This time on TWiBaW: Vengeance complexes may be bad for your health, it's not fashionable unless you suffer for it, and cliffhangers are in this season.
A/N: Uryuu has mastered the ancient Quincy art of Kitsuchi Jigen (木 槌 次元). This is now (un)officially canon.
The official basic storyline has been formalized up until about the end of the invasion arc.
Also, apparently I'm going to visit grandparents on the weekend of April 1st, so I (probably) won't get to prank you all with a gag chapter like I originally planned to. This may prove better for my health than the original option I had in mind, because giving readers the faux/actual spoilers might have resulted in a slow and painful death involving Love Psycho and a cheese grater. I may amuse myself by writing a parody/romance chapter, though.
Whilst I was considering a continued training sequence for this chapter, it was getting a bit dull, and people will be seeing the results of cool training shiz over the course of the Rescue Princess #1 Arc... although Keigo running for his life from a kid with a baseball bat might have been humorous to write.
In case anyone's wondering, the five mentioned are the captains best avoided at any cost - Kaname Tousen, Gin Ichimaru, Sosuke Aizen, Mayuri Kurotsuchi and Kenpachi Zaraki. The reason that Yamamoto isn't on that list is because he would probably avoid barbequing a kid, and Soi Fon would be focused on extracting information and wouldn't want them dead. (...Probably. Keigo might annoy Soi Fon enough for her to consider it.) Kisuke isn't sure what the first three of the stated captains would do, but it would be Nothing Good. Mayuri is an evil scientist to the extreme (yeah let's turn our minions into walking bombs crazy). Kenpachi... would probably crush someone accidentally with his reiatsu whilst looking for a good fight. Although that someone would not be Ichigo.
"Uryuuuuu…"
Green tea… Sensei? No, he's long gone. And… that's Ichigo.
Uryuu managed to unstick his eyelids, peeling his face off the book he'd fallen asleep reading. He groaned as he got up, wincing with pain. Stiff neck. I should really have known better… but then, given how much time that Urahara-san's training has been taken up recently…
The cup of tea was set down carefully on the desk. Uryuu sipped the hot liquid gingerly, blowing away some of the steam rising off it as the caffeine started reviving his brain. He looked up to thank Ichigo, only for the sentence to die on his lips.
Ichigo was wearing the gigai, staring intently at him.
"…what?"
"Oh… no. It's just… Urahara just left a message. He said the Senkaimon was ready," Ichigo explained with a careless shrug, looking away. "And yeah… a bunch of people phoned up overnight to say they were gonna be there at about – " He glanced at the clock hanging off the wall. "Ten minutes?"
Shit!
"Why didn't you wake me up earlier – " Uryuu leapt off the chair as though electrocuted. My stuff! Dammit, I didn't pack last night because I thought I'd have more time, but no… I didn't even master the Sanrei glove, although given the description in Sensei's handbook, that might not be such a bad thing. Even so, ten minutes –
Ichigo winced at the torrent of semi-coherent thoughts. "Uryuu? Would you mind calming down?"
"I… yes… but still, ten minutes…" the Quincy muttered under his breath. I'll be lucky to get everything in time.
Hastily, he snatched up some of the more vital items on his desk before sprinting for his bedroom. Bandages, silver capsules, emergency sewing kit, spare cape, asauchi, blood coagulators and the rest of the emergency first-aid kit, lock-picking set, notebook, ground sheet, emergency rations…
And there, hanging on the mannequin and taking pride of place, was his brand new Quincy uniform, complete with hidden pockets for every possible eventuality, including a waterproof pop-up dressing room that could also be turned into a tent. Uryuu wasn't entirely sure whether this last was necessary, but he had felt, at the time, that it was probably best to be safe rather than sorry. Besides, as a last resort, the slim, lightweight telescopic metal poles used to set the thing up could always be used as impromptu weapons…
It took five minutes to get everything on, then another three minutes to stash away all of the supplies in the secret hidden pockets without falling over, unbalancing himself or dislodging something in the process.
"You coming?" Kai's plush head stuck round the corner of the door.
"Yes." Uryuu took a couple of steps before wobbling slightly, the new leather boots throwing his balance off.
Okay, getting heels was a terrible idea. I suppose I could have just gone for plain white boots… but then they wouldn't have had Quincy crosses on…
He took another step, glaring at Kai and daring the mod-soul to say anything. Unfortunately, the effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that he fell over on the fourth step; the resulting clatter from the metal crockery/cutlery set falling out lasted for quite some time.
"Dammit! Where is he?" Keigo checked his watch for the thousandth time, sitting up against the fake rock. Did he not get that fake blood message? Or was that just the bucket-hat guy trying to freak me out…
Mizuiro didn't bother looking up from his mobile phone. "Still in his apartment, Asano-san." This was followed by a series of splorp splorp noises as his fingers rapidly slid across the touchscreen.
Tatsuki twitched at the sound of zombies being destroyed.
"Can't you mute that thing?"
"No," replied Mizuiro absentmindedly. "If I try to mute it, it just unmutes itself again."
"Mizuiro… how terribly rude. 'It'? Really?"
Everyone stared, before Keigo finally broke the silence.
"Am I the only one who finds it creepy that Miz's phone has a personality and actually talks back to him?"
"Inoue-san has her Shun Shun Rikka," Chad pointed out.
Keigo waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, but they're fairies, it's completely different. This is pretty much a computer – "
"A computer capable of wrecking your entire life within the space of about ten seconds."
" – which is actually completely awesome," he hastily corrected. I really don't want all of Miz's movies posted on Facebook. Especially the one from last week where that midget kid in a polka-dot dress beat up my ass… although it was worth it after Orihime healed me…
He sneaked a furtive glance at the girl in question. She was leaning against a dead tree, dozing off and thinking about who knew what. Probably best if I don't ask, actually. I'm pretty sure her head is filled with weird stuff, given what she muttered about when she was unconscious.
And then there was the… the thing in the middle of the cavern, just beyond the tree. The entire thing looked as if it was constructed from papier-mâché, but it gave Keigo a slightly queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach when he looked at it. The bucket-hat guy was next to it, too, apparently adding the finishing touches alongside the man Keigo had mentally dubbed Corn Row Dude.
"Where's Uryuu?"
Keigo yelped, startled, before realising that it was the cat Yoruichi behind him. It had managed to get down the ladder silently, somehow managing to bypass the ladder.
Man, that cat is creepy. Is it like a ninja or something?
The splorp noises came to an abrupt halt as Mizuiro fiddled with his phone. "He's upstairs right now."
There was a thump.
"…fine, he isn't upstairs right now."
Keigo stared at Uryuu's appearance. His friend was clearly wearing some kind of weirdass cosplay costume, white with blue accents, a cape and a sort-of-dress over trousers and a pair of leather boots which added to the total effect, making him look even girlier than he normally did. Unfortunately, he appeared to have lost his foothold on the ladder due to the fact that the boots also had heels to them, resulting in Uryuu being half-buried in the sand.
Why couldn't my friends be normal…
Uryuu did not swear as he attempted to extricate himself. His mouth was too full of sand to allow such a thing.
"Ishida-kun? Are you alright?" came Orihime's concerned voice, muffled through the sand in his ears, just before arms wrapped around his waist and yanked him out.
He coughed, spitting sand out as he dusted himself off.
At least it was a soft landing, came Ichigo's inappropriately cheery voice, causing a stream of mental expletives to be aimed in his general direction.
"He's fine," said Kai dismissively as he leapt off Ichigo's shoulder, causing Orihime to squeak in surprise.
"A talking lion? Ah… you must be – "
"That's right!" Kai struck a heroic pose. "I am the great and glorious KAIZO KOMURA, saviour of ladies everywhere! I'll be coming with you to help rescue my precious Nee-chan from her dire predicament of – "
The speech was cut short as Ichigo swept the plushie off the ground, effectively muting the cries.
"Yo," he said, by way of greeting, as everyone (excepting Uryuu) continued to stare.
"Ah, good, you're all here!" Kisuke, apparently finished with his gate, turned to greet them. "Just in time, too. The senkaimon was just finished – normally humans wouldn't be able to pass through without dying, but I've added a standard modifier to the thing so that it should convert your living bodies into reishi without killing you first – you can retain your original forms, that is."
"Uh… great?" Keigo said apprehensively.
"After the gate is open, you'll have four minutes to get through. Otherwise you'll be lost inside for a very long time until someone opens the dangai up once more… there's also a current that can trap you in place, making it difficult to get free. Oh, and there's a sweeper that comes through once every seven days. Well, I say sweeper, it's more like a steam train that runs through, but don't worry, there's hardly any chance of it turning up."
Great. With the luck I've been having recently…
"Wait a minute," interrupted Tatsuki, folding her arms. "What's this Seireitei place actually like?"
"I'm glad you asked that question… It actually consists of two sections – the outer part is Rukongai, where the normal souls live, and the inner part is Seireitei proper, where the shinigami are." Urahara produced his infamous fan from a pocket, tapping it thoughtfully against his chin. "After that, there are thirteen taichous and their fukutaichous who lead the divisions, and are the majority of the Gotei 13's military strength. They're all very powerful, but you'll be able to identify them because of their white haori or armbands."
Uryuu's mind briefly flashed back to the painted-face shinigami that had taken away his grandfather.
So that was a taichou, then… I suppose there's another purpose to go to Seireitei, then, he thought grimly. If I can avenge Sensei, then I'll do it. I just hope I've become strong enough since that day… but no matter what, I'm not going to stand back and let something like that happen again. Not when I could do something about it –
" – so you should especially stay away from those five," Urahara finished, just as Uryuu came out of his reverie.
Shit! What did I miss? Was it something important?
Relax, it's fine. Ichigo sounded mildly amused. I'll tell you later.
With a dramatic sweep of the fan, Urahara gestured towards the waiting senkaimon.
"Now… shall we begin?"
If anyone's watching, this must look really strange… Seven teenagers following a black cat through what looks like the intestinal tract of a whale.
Uryuu glanced warily from side to side, fingering the silver charm on his wrist.
"Keep going," snapped Yoruichi. "We don't have time to waste in here." The cat broke into a fast trot, causing everyone to jog to keep up.
"U-uh, Yoruichi?" Keigo stammered, glancing behind him. "The walls are kinda starting to move."
"Then why are you turning around to look at it for? Run!"
Uryuu chanced a look behind him. The gooey-looking walls were definitely starting to close in, and there was an ominous-sounding rumble from the far end, where they'd entered.
"The cleaner – " he started, just before the noise rose to a scream and a bright light appeared, growing rapidly in size.
He broke into an all-out sprint, his friends doing likewise, up until the point where he was yanked back sharply as a tendril extended from the wall to grab his cape. Sado moved to help, but without breaking stride, Ichigo grabbed hold of Uryuu, pulling him free before slinging the Quincy unceremoniously over his shoulder.
Ten seconds later, they were ejected from the senkaimon with the cleaner roaring behind them.
…I hate my life, thought Uryuu as he extricated himself from the dogpile. Thankfully, Orihime had managed to conjure up some kind of shield, preventing everyone from ramming into the unforgiving ground at painful velocity; unfortunately, it hadn't prevented Keigo from being buried under Mizuiro, Sado and Orihime.
"Oww… my precious stuffing…" Kai moaned, stretching out one fabric paw in an attempt to escape from his position under Sado's elbow. "Onee-chan… I'll persist despite all adversity for your sake."
Tatsuki was dusting her karate outfit off, having managed to land properly.
"So that's Seireitei, huh?" She stared at the seemingly endless mass of buildings that lay before her.
"No," corrected Yoruichi, appearing at her feet. "That is Seireitei."
Lifting one paw, the cat pointed in the opposite direction. The buildings were taller, and, in the distance, a great cliff could just be made out, with a tower upon it that seemed to reach up to the sky.
"Wow… is that a visitor's tower or something? It's really tall – " Keigo began, sitting back up, before being smacked around the ankle by Yoruichi.
"That's the Shrine of Penitence. Rukia Kuchiki will probably be transferred there at some point, if she isn't there already. They put the prisoners they're about to execute in there. Now…" The cat began pacing up and down on the pavement. "There's someone I need to find so we can get in there."
"…we can't just walk in? There's no walls or anything – "
"No."
Renji practically leapt up off his chair as the clanging alarm bells sounded.
"Abarai-fukutaichou!" Rikichi sprinted into the office. "The intruder alarms just went off… apparently there was some kind of entry violation near the South Gate."
Uryuu came? Already?! Renji's mind raced with the possibilities; maybe, just maybe, nobody would notice if Rukia vanished in all the chaos… but an entry into Rukongai wouldn't be enough. They're not too fussed, it'd probably just result in an investigation once everyone's calmed down. There wouldn't be enough time to smuggle Rukia out… unless someone actually broke into Seireitei.
"Where's Zabimaru?" he asked, scowling.
Rikichi winced at the question. "Well… you see, the thing is, there were lots of vegetables to cut up and I thought I would make a special dinner for Kuchiki-sama – "
"What?!"
"It's okay, it's still mostly clean, I'll go get it now!"
Kai stared disconsolately at the ground, swinging his plush feet from his position on Ichigo's shoulder. The hollow was currently snoozing against a wall, still encased in his gigai. Most of the others had gone inside the building as Yoruichi conversed with the elder within, but Ichigo had volunteered to keep lookout just in case any shinigami decided to start searching about what had happened.
Maybe, if I can just sneak in there… who'd notice me, anyway? he thought. I'm just a plush lion with a heart of gold… I could find a shinigami who thinks I'm cute and then steal the key to get Onee-chan out of the prison… but if Ichigo finds out that I've left him to break out on my own and he needs me, Uryuu will get mad. Kai gave a mental shudder at this. It'd be dresses for life! I couldn't live with that.
"Boooonniiiiiiiieeeeee!"
A man flew down the street before collapsing in a heap at the feet of Ichigo, waking him up effectively.
Who's this guy? He looks weird…
Five seconds later, a giant boar galloped up, making loud snorting noises as it stopped to rub against Ichigo. It was a hefty-looking thing the size of a small horse, with large tusks jutting out of its mouth and a sign draped across its body, declaring that it was a 'Four-Wheel Drive'.
Ichigo petted the boar tentatively as its would-be rider struggled to get up.
"Bonnie-chan… not so fast next ti-" The man's gaze fixed on Ichigo, or, more accurately, the sword at Ichigo's hip. "You… shinigami… that zanpakuto…"
Ichigo blinked.
"Ganju?"
QHQA! Now with 50% extra HOLLOW GOODNESS!
ICHIGO: [beaming] Good morning, and welcome to your bi-weekly dose of extra added omake. Or something like that.
URYUU: ...what are you doing here? This is my explanation time! Besides, I'm obviously the main character, so -
ICHIGO: [reading off notebook, completely ignoring URYUU] Apparently some people have been wondering about Uryuu's Quincy uniform, so I'll explain.
[ICHIGO pulls down a projector screen in the classroom as URYUU facepalms. Cut to image of current Quincy uniform.]
ICHIGO: This is his current version, which has lots of hidden pockets and places to put stuff, like under the cape and inside the lining of the boots and the trousers. Unfortunately, it looks a bit girly if you ask me -
URYUU: Excuse me? This coming from the person with the waist-length hair?
ICHIGO: [wounded] Hey, don't diss the hair. Chicks love the hair. Besides it's just a sign of how awesomely powerful I am. Anyway... this uniform is the fourth version. The first had - what was it again? Oh yeah, it was too plain. [projector image switch to demure-looking white suit] This was version two [projector image switch to Quincy colour-themed MECHA SUIT] but... basically he couldn't actually move the thing.
URYUU: [indignant] The logic was flawless!
ICHIGO: You couldn't walk while you were wearing it... and that was pretty much the same problem with the third one. [projector image switch to Quincy uniform, this time with considerable number of bulges sticking out of it] Of course, this was before he mastered the Boy Scout art of conservative packing. I've got some cool movies of him trying to move without falling over, actually, not to mention some concepts of a Sailor Fuku-type thing I came up with -
URYUU: NEXT!
ICHIGO: Anyway, moving on: 'Has Uryuu ever failed a test?' Actually, yes, it was one of those things about sex education, so after that happened Ryuuken gave him the 'talk' with all the graphic images -
[A dark aura surrounds URYUU ISHIDA as he exerts killing intent.]
ICHIGO: Yeeeeah... somehow I think if I continue any further this fic will probably get M-rated.
Kitsuchi Jigen (木 槌 次元): Wooden Mallet Dimension
