Chapter 29

Something's Wrong?


"Brenda?" I say as I open up the door and I get no response. "Brenda?" I say running up the stairs and into our room, she's not there and not in our bathroom, I know she's home though, the guard said she came home two hours ago.

Panic rushes through me, if the doctor had said something was happening, I don't think of the means she might take to prevent it.

My heart almost drops to my feet in relief as I see her sitting in the window seat of the bedroom Michael had refused. "Bren, didn't you hear me calling?"

She turns and nods, "I saw you come up too, you were running, what's wrong?" her voice is devoid of emotions

"I came to ask you that," I say squatting down next to her, "I saw Robin, she said you weren't looking well."

She smiled "Don't worry, not insane, just having a weird day." She looked back out the window.

I raise my hand up to her hair "You could tell me about it, maybe I can help."

She shook her head "Definitely not the kind of thing you can swoop in and fix."

"Maybe telling someone about it will help."

She shook her head and suddenly I saw tears in her eyes

"Bren come on, it's hurting you, whatever this is, it's hurting you."

"It's tearing out my heart" she chokes back a sob

"Oh god Bren" I move her over and get into the small window seat with her. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it together." I say hugging her close to me.

She just shakes her head more and can't control her tears.

"Shhh, whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"I'm pregnant"

My breath stops.

"I've been sitting here for hours thinking about how our child is going to sit up here and wait for you, waiting to run into your arms because they're going to love you so much and they won't even remember me. I'll be someone in pictures, I'll be someone they're told stories of, but they won't have ever known me. All they'll know is they had a crazy mommy who had to be locked away."

My eyes have welled up with tears, I can't breathe. Part of me is so ecstatic that we're going to have a baby, but all I can think about is holding our child's hand standing over her grave. Stop it I tell myself, Stop before she sees you, I can't listen to myself though, I can't say any comforting words, I just grip her tighter and listen to her tears, willing mine to at least stay in my eyes.

She turns to face me breaking free of my arms, I try to wipe away the tears before she realizes their extent. "Oh god and I've destroyed your life."

"My life isn't destroyed" My voice comes out sounding like gravel.

"You're crying" she tears herself away from me and stands up.

I follow her and turn her back to me "I cry Brenda, I'm sorry there's a shocker, I'm human, I get emotional."

"You're emotional because I destroyed your life, not only do you have to deal with me until I get sick and you have to put me away, you have to raise a child on your own. You don't get rid of me in a few years like you planned, I'm with you forever in our child and if she gets sick too…" Tears starting falling heavier again.

"Stop it." I say trapping her in my arms, "I'm upset because I hate having to think about you dying. I'm human Brenda, the thought of you dying kills me. If I could switch places with you I would. In a heartbeat Bren."

She places a hand over her stomach, "She could be sick Jason. She could hate me like I hate Veronica, Veronica's dead and I still hate her. I hate her for giving me this. For giving me just a taste of life."

I raise her chin with my finger and force her to look in my eyes. "All of that's in the future Brenda and look at you, you have almost 30 years of life behind you. You're not guaranteed anything in this life, look at the world around you. How many people have you known who have died young? Do you think Stone regretted a single moment of living? When you were going off that bridge were you hating the world for letting you live all those years? Were hating loving Sonny? Were you hating coming to this town and being accepted finally for who you were? Or were you remembering it all?"

"I was being selfish and wanting more. All of those memories flashed before my eyes and all I wanted was more. I had so many happy memories and all I wanted was more."

"I've never wanted to die, I've been shot at so many times, I've been so close that I've accepted that I'm going to die, but I never wanted to, I wasn't scared of it, I'd just rather live for longer. I think that's part of life. I can't imagine how many years it must take before you're ready for that."

"So what now?"

"We gotta make a promise to each other, to live in the present."

"Jase, when I get sick."

"No" I say shaking my head, "You've got to trust me enough to know that I will take care of you when you're sick."

"You have to send me away."

"Brenda, we agreed that I would take care of you."

"New rules Jason, our first priority is this baby. You can't put her in danger by keeping me around. If I'm not strong enough to leave her, you've got to force me. Promise me"

I nod, hating her for being right, I'll figure out a way to make this alright, to be with both of them when that time comes. "No more talk of sickness or death. We're in living in the present from this moment on."

"How do we do that?"

"Move past 3 weeks ago?"

She blushes

"It happened and we can't really pretend it didn't anymore. You and me go back to being partners in this, friends. We aren't going to get through it unless we lean on each other."

"Okay" she says with a nod of her head, "That it?"

"One more thing" I squat down once more and raise her shirt up and kiss her stomach and then introduce myself to our child, "Hi there little guy, ignore everything your mom said in the past few minutes. It's really not as scary out here as she made it out to be." I stood up again and Brenda hugged me and once more started to cry.