A/N: Hey, so here's a chapter after almost a year of no updates… To be honest I've moved on to other fandoms since I last posted to this story, but I've got a few chapters of this fic that I never got around to editing so like, I guess I'll just edit and post them. If anybody's still following this, I hope you enjoy :) This one's not really all that romantic, whoops...
Butters felt his heart begin to race as he approached the open gates of the cemetery, biting his lip nervously. It felt like it had been a long time since he'd last been here, and every step he took made him feel like his legs were turning into stone. But… he had to do this. He'd made a promise to himself that he would come here at least once a year since she'd passed, and he wasn't about to back out on his promise on the first try.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and blinked up with wide eyes to see Kenny's concerned blue eyes staring down at him. He had almost forgotten that he hadn't come here alone.
"You doing okay?" He asked, his eyebrows coming together in concern.
Those three words were enough to slow down his heart considerably, and Butters attempted to smile at him in reassurance. His muscles didn't seem to want to cooperate though. "Y-Yeah, I'm alright."
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Kenny said, looking away from him for a moment to glare at the graveyard that stood in front of them. "You don't owe her anything, after all."
Butters turned his gaze towards the cemetery as well, his mouth curving downwards. "I know. She was a horrible person and I'm not sorry she's gone… But I'm not doing this for her, Ken. I'm doing this for me, I promised myself that I'd come here and let her know how I'm doing."
Kenny nodded, shifting his eyes away from the gate, his disgust for her only thinly hidden. "Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you?"
"Yes, I'm sure." Butters said, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders. He peeked up from under his bangs and took Kenny's hand in his, squeezing gently. "I'm really glad you drove me here, though. It means a lot to me."
"You know I'd do anything for you." Kenny said, a hint of a smile on his mouth as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple, earning a small giggle from his shorter boyfriend. "Good luck in there, Buttercup."
"Thank you." Butters said, his mood quickly dropping as he swallowed hard and let go of Kenny's hand. He walked past the gate and shuddered slightly at the breeze that blew through him. The sun, which had made a brief appearance on the drive over, was suddenly eclipsed by a group of dark clouds, making him shiver again. He was already feeling cold and alone without Kenny's warm body by his side, and this atmosphere wasn't really helping, but he shook his head slightly and pushed the feeling in the back of his mind. He couldn't be worrying about things like that right now, not when he still had this very important task at hand. He pulled his coat a little tighter around himself and kept walking, knowing that Kenny would be at the gate waiting for him until this was finished.
He didn't bother to look around as he passed gravestone after gravestone, the gray slabs of stone that marked the dead strangers beneath his feet holding no meaning for him. A small part of him wondered who these people could have been, how they might have died, but he kept his curiosity down. He wasn't here to mourn people he had never met, after all. There was only one grave that he needed to see, and it was a little further into the cemetery.
The gray sky overhead didn't do much to lift his spirits, and a quick glance upwards let him know that the snow the weather forecast had predicted was only a couple of hours, if not minutes, away. He sped up his footsteps and kept his eyes forward, knowing that his destination wasn't too far away now.
A few minutes later, he found the gravestone he had been looking for. The grave was completely bare of any flowers, unlike a few of the others he'd passed on his way over. The ground in front of it was covered in dark grass, indicating that a groundskeeper must have come around to make it look at least a little nicer. The last time he had been here was at her funeral, and it had been nothing but dark dirt over her coffin. He kept his eyes on the dark green blades, feeling just a little frustrated that even in death someone was still being forced to care for her, and tried to work up the strength to look up at the engraving on the stone.
He swallowed hard as he brought his eyes up to look at the name of the person buried there.
Marie-Anne Stotch
Beloved Mother, Grandmother, and Friend
1942-2015
Butters felt something hard and angry clench inside of him at the epitaph. Beloved Grandmother? Those words were the last thing that described her! He clenched his hands into fists at his side and inhaled deeply, fighting off the urge to mash them together. He'd come here for a reason, and it would be better for him to get it over with as fast as possible.
"H-Hey grandma." Butters said, his voice coming out softer than he had intended, almost a whisper. He cleared his throat and tried again, louder. "Hey grandma, I guess you're wondering why I'm here, huh?"
The silence that answered him was strangely satisfying. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he didn't have to hear an angry or sarcastic retort. He pursed his lips together before he continued.
"Well, I don't blame you, I'm kinda still wondering what I'm doing here myself." He unclenched and reclenched his fists a few times, putting them in the pockets of his jacket when the urge to rub them together became too strong for him to bare. He'd given up that habit a while ago, and he wasn't about to let HER of all people ruin it for him. "Well, that's kind of a lie, actually. See, I came here to let you know something. I've decided to come every year, so don't be surprised to see me next year okay? N-Not that I care about what you have to say anymore. I'd come back even if you didn't want me to."
He felt himself smiling at his words, because he knew how true they were. He had stopped caring about what this woman thought about him a long time ago, even before she'd gotten sick and less intimidating.
"So, about what I wanted to tell you." Butters said, turning his eyes from the gravestone to the gray sky above him. It was darker than it had been a few moments ago, and he could tell that the snow was ready to come down any minute. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy now. Really and truly happy, like I never was back when you were still around. There's so much about my life that I'm grateful for, and I wanted to let you know about it all."
He swallowed hard and looked back down at the stone. "I hate to admit it, but you were right when you called me a faggot. I'm gay, grandma, and I finally came out to mom and dad. Dad took it harder than I thought he would, but he and mom agreed not to kick me out of the house. I wonder if you're disappointed in him because of that? I hope you aren't, because even though they still give me disappointed looks, they aren't yelling or threatening me anymore. A-At least, not about my sexuality."
A lump had grown in his throat, and he quickly swallowed it down. He swore that he wasn't going to shed tears over her grave, he didn't want to show her any weakness.
"I've got myself a boyfriend too." Butters said, a soft smile forming on his face despite the burning sensation in his eyes. "His name is Kenny and he's wonderful. He treats me real nice, and respects what I have to say. I had to go through a few really crummy boyfriends before I realized that Kenny wanted to be with me, but you know what? I'm glad I had those relationships too. Because even though Eric and Craig weren't right for me, they helped me see how a real relationship should be. Kenny's everything they weren't and I thank God every day that he loves me."
Butters took a deep breath, willing himself to stay strong. He still had so much more he wanted to say to her, but he wasn't sure he would be able to hold his tears back if he stayed here much longer.
"He supports my dreams too, grandma. He never once laughed when I told him that I wanted to be an artist." Butters took his hands out of his jacket and reached for the book bag at his hip. He took out a sketchbook and opened it, revealing the drawings he'd made. Some were of buildings or foliage, and a lot were of people, his friends, his family, and sketch after sketch of Kenny.
"You see this? This is just one sketchbook out of dozens that I filled." Butters flipped the pages and held them out, even though he knew she couldn't really see them. "I used to think that I wouldn't ever be able to do this for a living, because of YOU. I used to think that my gift was a waste, that I didn't have any talent. But you know what? Kenny showed me differently. He posed for me, for hours at a time sometimes, and he showed me that I could do anything I wanted. I'm going to art school when I graduate, grandma. I-I'm going to be successful, just w-wait and see."
Butters felt his voice quiver and stopped himself, swallowing hard and blinking away the tears that were gathered on his eyelids. He needed to get out of here before they fell.
"Th-That's all I wanted to say for now. I'm really happy now, and everything y-you said? It never mattered."
"You tell her." A soft voice said behind him, causing Butters to jump slightly as he turned to see.
"Kenny." He breathed, gripping his sketchbook to his chest as his eyes widened. "You were supposed to wait by the gate. You promised…"
"Yeah, I did." Kenny said, walking up to his boyfriend and wrapping his arms around him. "But then I realized that you needed me here. Is it okay that I broke this one little promise?"
Butters felt the tears that he had been holding back building up in his eyelids and buried his face in Kenny's coat, a small laugh bubbling out of his chest. "Y-Yeah, it's okay. Just don't go making a habit of it, okay?"
"I wouldn't dream of it." Kenny answered, stroking a hand through his shoulder-length hair gently.
Butters let himself cry into Kenny's chest, deciding that just one more broken promise wouldn't hurt so long as he didn't face her grave. He might've been crying in front of her, but her definitely wasn't going to let her see his tears.
"You ready to go?" Kenny asked after a while, long enough for the tears to have stopped, though his breathing was still slightly hitched.
Butters nodded, reaching up between them to wipe away at his eyes. "Y-Yeah, I'm done here."
"Good." Kenny pressed a quick kiss to his boyfriend's cheek and raised his middle finger to the gravestone. "That's for making my baby cry, you rancid cunt."
"Kenny!" Butters exclaimed, his eyes widening at his language.
"What?" Kenny asked, blinking innocently. "You gonna say that I should I show some respect for the dead or something?"
"Normally I would, but she doesn't deserve it." Butters said, a soft smile forming on his face. "I just think that it's a little rude to use THAT word, you know? No matter who it's being said too."
"Alright, I'll make a note not to use that word around you ever again." Kenny said, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and began walking them towards the gate. "Now come on, let's get out of here. I spend enough time in cemeteries as it is."
"Hmm? What was that?" Butters asked, cocking his head in confusion.
"Nothing, nothing." Kenny said, grinning down at him warmly. It was such a kind and gentle smile, and just looking at it was enough to set Butters at ease.
Neither of them looked back as they walked through the gate and towards the car.
