AN: I had a bit of writer's block. I hate writer's block, I say it shall die. Anyway, Monday's were originally my writing day, but it seems I am now busy on Monday's so the best possible day for writing seems to be Thursday. We will see. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, but honestly I have no idea what I was rambling on about. So, erm, two more chapters! Yay?
Please answer my question: WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE CHAPTER OF 'THE TRICK IS TO KEEP BREATHING'?
Thanks for the wonderful and inspiring reviews D
Chapter 29: No One Else Knows the Lines
I hated being jealous. I hated feeling bad about myself. I hated feeling envious of Bella Swan - no, sorry, Bella Cullen now. But here I was, at the reception of Edward and Bella' wedding and I was all those things and more. Everyone was paying attention to Bella. They told her how beautiful she looked; and I'll admit she did look nice - but, I couldn't help but wonder 'what about me?' Not even Emmett really commented on how I looked today. I made my hair all nice, and I was wearing an exquisite dress and yet I hadn't gotten the attention I wanted or deserved.
I with-held a growl while watching Emmett dance with Bella. She looked ridiculous with Emmett, she was so short even in the heels that she was wearing. With disappointment, I realized I couldn't criticize her clothing at all; it was Alice's style, so therefore her clothes were impeccable. Although...I looked in the distance and noted that Alice looked even more absurd in size next to Emmett...
Regardless!
He was laughing with her! Twirling her in circles, and whispering in her ear things that made him and her giggle like school children. Stupid oaf.
Suddenly, Edward stood beside me.
"Time to stop now, Rosalie," he sighed, almost as if my thoughts were tiring. Idiot! "Will you dance with me?" he murmured. I looked up and saw the strangest thing when I looked at Edward's face. He was glowing. He was so incredibly happy, that I couldn't deny it any longer. This girl made him extreme in all the right ways. I glanced over at Emmett and Bella and noticed how she fit into our family and how they all loved her. I admit, I found her more tolerable now, but there was still something that bothered me, and I'm sure I knew what it was. But for now, Edward was sparkling (without the sun), Emmett was beaming, Esme was ecstatic...Everyone was happy, but me. I begrudgingly took Edward's offered hand and he led me to the dance floor.
It pleased me that I was able to dance, unlike Bella, who had much help from Emmett. I tried not to be too smug about my dancing abilities as Edward led me around the dance floor. His grip on my waist tightened as I compared myself more to Bella.
"Stop," he said. I obviously wasn't bothering him that much because he still looked happy beyond belief. I rolled my eyes and the song stopped, he nodded to me and swiftly pulled Bella away from Emmett with a laugh as Emmett let out a noise of protest. Emmett chuckled as he watched them move away and then he looked around, searching for me. When he finally spotted me, his expression froze for only a second before he walked toward me.
"Don't be like that," he muttered, reaching for my hand, which I casually pulled away from him reach. "Rose," Emmett sighed. It seemed that everyone was exasperated with me. "I thought you were on better terms with Bella."
"I am," I defended.
"Then, what is it?" he wondered.
I diverted my eyes from his as I glanced around at the humans at attendance. Humans: blood, soft, heart...everything I didn't have. Everything that I wanted. I never got my wedding. The wedding that I wanted. The wedding when I was human. Even though Royce was a horrible person to waste a perfectly good human marriage with, I still wanted it that badly. I wanted to feel sweaty as I made my way down the aisle toward my husband...in my human wedding fantasy it was always Emmett. I wanted to experience the quickening pace of my heart as I anticipated the moment the two of us would meet at the alter. I wanted to be short of breath and desperately needing the air in my body to continue...
I didn't want to bring this subject up now, since Emmett was so content today. He was constantly grinning, even now as he stared at me seriously, there was a shadow of grin; it was evident in his eyes. But I wanted it so badly that I couldn't just pretend that I was mostly miserable and only a little part of me was pleased that my family was so joyful. I wanted Emmett right now, but that wasn't possible in the middle of a wedding. Today's focus was to be on Bella and Edward, I could give them that, right?
No.
Yes.
No.
Unfortunately, this day had to be about me even in the smallest way. At least, for Emmett it had to be.
"Marry me," I whispered, only now did I return my gaze to Emmett.
He jumped slightly at my words and it was clear that he was surprised by my statement. He quickly composed himself and a small smile that was soft and loving made it's way onto his lips.
"Of course, but not today," he said, his eyes twinkling.
"Why not today?" My voice was edgy already. I meant to be calm about this and keep my emotions in tact, but I wasn't really expecting him to deny my request. Sure, I knew that it couldn'tbe today, but it still bugged me that he so quickly said 'not today'. My teeth grounded together in irritation. I wasn't so sure that I knew exactly what I was irritated with. I'm sure it wasn't just one specific thing, it was many that I couldn't put my finger on at the moment.
"Rose," Emmett laughed. "It's not your day today."
I wasn't expecting an eruption of anger to explode so quickly. I huffed, trying to keep my temper in control, turned sharply on my heel and darted out of human sight so quickly and deep into the wood. I kept walking further and deeper among the trees, trying to get lost, but knowing that was impossible. I knew these woods too well. I could smell my way back home. I could listen my way back home. No matter what, I couldn't get lost, and that was annoying; especially when that's all you needed to get away from your own selfish thoughts. I knew I was selfish and conceited and vain, but another emotion that came along with those self-absorbed ones was not caring. I didn't care that I was all those things and more.
I also couldn't help the fact that I was pleased and smug that Emmett had followed me.
"Rose, come on, let's just go back and enjoy the rest of the day - and as soon as that clock strikes twelve you and I can get married or something."
I scoffed.
"Fine, we'll wait until Edward and Bella return from their honey-moon and then you can outshine her in any way you wish. Okay?"
I snorted.
"Alright we'll wait until after her transformation and after her whole blood-lust filled early days just so you can rub it in to her that you had a better wedding when she's more conscious of herself."
I didn't respond, just continued my angry strides.
"Um," Emmett thought about a better idea. "I'll buy you a pony?" he joked. That didn't help me when I was trying to keep my cool.
I stopped and turned to face him. He gave me a weak smile. "I just proposed to you and you rejected me."
"I didn't reject you!" he protested, his mouth open in outrage.
"The amount of times I have agreed to marry you - and then I propose for the first time and I get denied! By my own husband!" I cannot fathom his response.
"All I said was not today! The only reason your acting like this is because your mad that everyone is paying attention to Bella and how beautiful she is -"
"Beautiful!?" I repeat his words and without even really thinking about it, I slap him hard across the face. I quickly pull my hand to my side and rest it on my hip. Beautiful. She is not. I am beautiful. I'm more than beautiful! I'm...
Emmett hadn't commented on my dress or shoes or hair all day. I felt an emotion of dismissal, like I wasn't important. Like I wasn't beautiful.
Emmett's head had snapped to the side with the force of my hit, and he didn't dare try and pull it back to face me. He licked his lips and slowly craned his neck toward me, but he didn't look at my face, he stared at whatever was beyond me.
"I can't believe you are acting this way right now," he whispered.
"Well then obviously you don't know me very well," I hiss. Why am I being this way? I hate that he doesn't know how I feel. I hate that he won't just say the words that I want to hear. The words that will make all of this go away. Dammit, Emmett.
Emmett purses his lips and his brows furrow together. I look away because I can't stand to see him try and puzzle out what I want. He shouldn't have to think about it he should just know. I wanted him to make me feel better - I hated feeling this way...insecure. Unwanted. Rejected. Ugly.
I crossed my arms suddenly feeling very small. God, I felt like Bella. I sat down against a tree and leaned my back into it, trying to find some comfort from this tree's rough brown exterior. It wasn't working. The only thing that would work is Emmett, and he was clueless at the moment.
Finally, out of the corner of my eye, Emmett raises his arms upward showing me that he has no idea what he wants me to do. "What do you want from me Rose? I don't get you!"
Those are not the words I want to hear. My husband of sixty-five years should know me better than anyone. Except, now, today, it seemed that person was Edward; and only because he could read my most inner thoughts.
"I want you to..." I trail off. I'm unable to say what I want from him. So, instead I look into his eyes and try to convey to him silently what I want. Maybe he'll realize what it is and then I can go back to feeling better and he can go back to feeling better and then everything will be...perfect.
Emmett's mouth hangs open and he finally looks away with a smirk on his lips. I think I actually conveyed what I wanted with just one stare.
To my horror, Emmett starts to undo his Cumberland he discards it on the forest floor and zips down his fly, then swiftly pulls off his pants.
"No!" I screech, jumping to my feet.
"What?" he asks, confusion clearly on his features.
"I don't want that!" I snap.
"I could have sworn -" he mumbles thoughtfully.
"No!" I cry. A small sob escapes my lips and I fall back down to the ground, feeling worser as the seconds tick by.
Emmett looks completely frustrated with himself. "Damn," he curses. He pulls his pants back up and begins to pace back and forth in front of my hunched over, limp body. His pace picks up and he kicks the forest floor and debris flies up all over the place. Luckily for him, he kicked it away from me.
I let out a sad noise and he stops and turns to me. He falls to his knees and pulls my face up to his.
"I'm sort of confused right now, and you making all those sad faces and noises doesn't help me with thinking up a solution faster. It makes me more...distressed. I - I don't know, Rose. You're not the easiest wife to keep happy. You're high maintenance, and that's one reason why I love you. A lot of guys would probably have given up on you a long time ago, but I didn't. I couldn't," he says. But that's not the romantic words that I wanted to hear. They're offensive. I shove his hand away and he drops it to his side, frowning.
"Thanks so much," I say sarcastically.
He groans and throws his head back. "I love you, Rosalie. I don't know how else to say it, but it seems that you want me to say it differently. I guess you want me to show it, by marrying you. I have. I've married you countless times before and each time has been magical - ugh, I can't believe I just said that word. But it was. It's perfect with you and I fall in love with you more deeply each time we re-affirm our vows. In fact, I'll do it again right now. We don't need our world to be there - to know how I feel about you. All I need is for you to know. So, stand up Rosalie," he gets to his feet.
I stare up at him, my heart swelling. This is exactly what I want.
Too impatient to wait for me, he yanks me to my feet and I stare up at him, smiling slightly. He realizes that what he's doing is right and he grins a grin bigger than any one he had been keeping throughout the day. This is a grin just for me.
"Rosalie - I will compare you to a flower."
I'm sure my face has just fallen. But he ignores that and continues.
"You - are - like - a flower, the most beautiful flower ever, because..."
"I want to hit you, real badly right now," I comment. He's making a joke out of this.
"Let me finish," he insists. "Because, when people pass by this beautiful, exquisite, best-smelling-ever flower, they stop and stare and perhaps, sniff..."
"Sniff?" I squeak.
"Sniff, yes. They see this flower and say, 'I want to be this flower, because it is perfect and must have no worries and it must just sit there all day and feel good that people love it. Nobody will harm this flower because it is so perfect. I want to be like this flower. I want to feel all the good things it must feel.' But, those people are wrong."
"What?" My voice is flat. What the hell is he rambling on about? I don't care about a stupid flower.
He shakes his head. "Those people are wrong because even though the beautiful, perfect, exquisite flower seems to have it all...it doesn't. It may be the epitome of what everyone wants: looks, health, immortality, hair, eyes, lips, legs...but what those people don't know is what's inside the flower."
"Nobody wants to look inside the flower," I say.
"I did."
I'm silent because I'm trying to figure out if what he's saying is sweet or stupid.
"I saw the inside of that flower and I saw that it wasn't as beautiful as it made itself out to be -"
"Hey!"
"It was more."
I'm silent. I think I've decided that I'll just ask Emmett to stop, because he's making this up as he goes along and really has no idea what point he's making.
"Rosalie, I know that sometimes I may not tell you enough how much you mean to me and that's my fault. I guess, I just assume that you know. I love you. And not just 'flower' you, but allof you. Insides too. Personality - everything. So, I will marry you. Again, and again, and again, and again. I'll marry you forever, as long as you know that I won't ever love you less because of your behaviour or if it's someone else's wedding. I'll love you through all that and beyond."
He's waiting for me to respond, but I can't. My brain is still trying to figure out exactly what he meant. So I just nod, to appease him. I'm sure he meant well. I did feel better.
"Okay?" he asks hopefully. He really thinks his whole speech was fantastic. He looks incredibly proud of himself.
I smile. "Yes. I love you too, Emmett," I kiss him.
Because really, what else is there to say? It's the truth and that's all that matters.
Also what matters is apparently, the inside of a flower.
R/R!!
