Chapter 3: The Substitute
[The Second Half of October 2011]
--- --- ---
Charlie wasn't so sure that he was ready to face his first demon. It had been two weeks since he learned he was going to be a father and asked to be trained in earnest. He still hadn't figured out how to use his Reiki, although Janice assured him that he should be able to handle the low-level demon she'd been called in to deal with.
"So you're sure this Kyarl bloke's not that powerful?" Charlie asked Ryou as they walked through the streets of London towards where the feris demon supposedly lived. He still wasn't sure how to act around Ryou, who he suspected of having feelings for Janice. He hadn't been sure how to act around him before, but that just added an extra layer of uncertainty.
"I've played poker with him," Ryou said, glaring at a passerby who bumped into him. "Kyarl's a cowardly ponce who's about as powerful as a twelve year old."
"A twelve year old what?" Charlie asked.
Ryou smirked. "You catch on quick. What has Janice told you about fighting demons?"
"It's dangerous," Charlie said. "She also said that it's better for fighters to be trained from a young age. Something about it being easier to teach a person how to use Reiki when they're young."
Ryou stopped in front of a dilapidated looking apartment complex. "The spirit energy of children is more active than that of adults. Children can often see things adults cannot, like demons in their true form. As they grow older, their spirit energy diminishes along with their belief in monsters hiding in closets or under the bed." He scanned a dust-covered list of names on the wall by the door.
"So Hob was real?" Charlie asked as the demon tried to read the names through the dust. "He was a monster that lived under my bed until I was about seven or so. He used to get me in trouble by nicking cookies and other goodies from the kitchen in the middle of the night. He'd always share, but mum would still blame me for it. He was cool." Seeing that Ryou has having difficulty reading the names through the dust, Charlie went up to the list and blew some of the dust off it.
Ryou sneezed, and then turned to glare at Charlie. "I was trying to avoid doing that," the ice demon said flatly after taking on his female form.
Charlie rubbed the back of his neck apologetically. "Sorry. I was trying to help."
"If I need help, I'll ask for it," Ryou said coldly. "Apartment 31-C."
Charlie followed her inside the decrepit building. He had heard about the curse on Ryou, but had never seen it in action before. It was a bit disconcerting to see somebody spontaneously change gender right before his eyes. He was half tempted to ask how weird the sensation of male bits turning into female bits was, but didn't think it was worth losing any of his own bits. Janice warned him that Ryou could be rather… cranky.
They climbed the staircase. As they walked along the hallway, something in the pocket of Ryou's leather duster began to play something that sounded suspiciously like Aerosmith's 'Dude Looks Like a Lady'.
"I am going to kill her for changing my ringtone again," she muttered as she pulled a mobile phone out of her pocket. "What?" she asked gruffly into it.
Charlie decided to continue on down the hallway as Ryou spoke to whoever was on the other end. He hadn't gotten very far before Ryou grabbed the back of his shirt, keeping him from going too far on his own.
Ryou shook her head at Charlie as she spoke into the phone. "What do you mean, 'where are we'? Where the hell are you?"
Charlie tilted his head in curiosity, wondering just who she was talking to. He also was vaguely curious as to where the scent of marijuana was coming from, but not curious enough to find out.
Ryou scowled. "Why the hell did you tell me he lived here, then?"
Charlie raised an eyebrow. It sounded like the demon they were after wasn't in the apartment complex after all.
"Just stay where you are," the ice demon said wearily. "I doubt your glorified fuck buddy here would appreciate you fighting-- I'll call him whatever I want!"
Charlie turned to Ryou sharply. "Is that Janice on the other line?"
Ryou waved him off as she continued to argue over the phone. After a short argument laced with plenty of swearing, the demon closed the phone and shoved it back into her pocket. "We're in the wrong place," she said, turning to head back down the staircase.
Charlie followed her downstairs. "Is Janice fighting the demon?"
"No, but she knows where he is," Ryou said. "She had the fool notion that she'd take off on her own and track him."
Charlie frowned. He really didn't like the idea of Janice fighting. True, she knew what she was doing, but he remembered how she'd been in the hospital a year ago after being skewered by a sword. He'd seen the scars on her body. The danger of what she did never really sank in until discovering she was pregnant with his child. He might not have ever wanted children of his own, but he was going to at least make sure that his child had the chance to be born.
Fifteen minutes later, they met up with Janice in front of an even more ramshackle apartment complex. There was graffiti all over the side of the building, and a few of the windows were boarded up.
"This place looks like it should be condemned," Charlie commented. He moved over to Janice. "You should head back. It probably isn't a good idea for you to be fighting."
She rolled her eyes. "This guy is just a nuisance."
"So why were you sent after him?" Charlie asked.
She smiled. "Because the Underworld doesn't like demons selling mind altering substances from the demon plane to humans."
"He's been selling to demons for the past five years," Ryou said. "You remember facing that cibilis demon about three years ago, right? How doped up he was?"
Janice nodded. "I remember you had to lock me up for a couple weeks after he injected some strange substance into me. I was still seeing things in my peripheral vision for about a month after you let me go." She turned to Charlie. "Don't let this guy inject you with anything, and don't take anything from him. Hallucinogens from the demon plane are powerful, and last for a long time in the human bloodstream."
Charlie nodded. "I'll take your word for it." He wasn't all too surprised that demons had their own kinds of drugs, as he knew that wizards and Muggles both had their own as well. He knew that Fred and George had pulled Fainting Fancies off the market after it became a fad to mix them with a basic revitalizing potion to create a high. He also knew that there were kids who grew marijuana plants in the greenhouses at Hogwarts, as he himself had been guilty of doing such a thing when he was a student there. Although if anybody had noticed how the prefects' bathroom smelled suspiciously like someone had been smoking pot in there, nobody ever said anything.
Charlie followed them inside, not sure what to expect. He couldn't help but notice there was more graffiti on the walls inside. Walking down the hall, they passed a couple of people sitting in the hallway, passing a needle between them, as well as a man who was passed out and reeked of alcohol. The hallway stank of a mixture of alcohol, cigarette smoke, and urine. He couldn't imagine why anyone would want to live there.
Charlie stayed close to Janice as Ryou knocked on the door to Kyarl's flat. As much as he didn't like the idea of her engaging in dangerous behavior like fighting while she was pregnant with his child, he was a bit glad she was there, if only so he had a bit of backup. The plan was to let Charlie do most of the work, with Ryou supervising. It was a lot like how trainee dragon keepers would first work in the field with dragons. Their trainer would let them do most of the work, but would remain there to supervise and provide backup if needed.
That was something Charlie could relate to. He might be a senior dragon keeper now, training the new recruits, but knowing that it wasn't that different put his mind at ease.
The door opened slightly. Through the crack in the door, a man looked out into the hallway. As he saw Charlie and Janice, he quickly closed the door again. "I'm not home," he said.
"Kick the door down," Ryou snarled.
Charlie presumed that Ryou was telling him to do it. He was supposed to do most of the work, after all. Instead of kicking it down, he waved his wand to unlock the door and force it open. It had the same result, so he saw little difference.
They forced their way inside the apartment, where the man was trying to open a window to crawl out of. With another wave of his wand, the window slammed shut again, sealing itself closed. The man turned to them. He was a man of slight build, looking to be a decade or two older than Charlie. He looked like he hadn't shaven or changed his clothes in days. He ran a hand through his graying hair.
"Look, Ryou. I know why you're here, and let me just say it was an honest mistake," the man said, skittishly looking around as if looking for a way to escape.
"Save it, Kyarl," Ryou said, glaring. "You obviously don't know why I'm here. You've been peddling Arillis to humans."
"No, I haven't," the man protested.
The man didn't look the least bit demonic to Charlie. He turned to Janice. "This is the guy? He looks human," he said.
Janice glanced to him, and then took a vial of some sort of potion out of her pocket. "Drink this," she said, handing him the vial.
Charlie glanced at the vial briefly. He normally knew better than to drink unknown potions randomly handed to him, as that was how many manufactured wizard drugs were often packaged, but trusted her. He removed the stopper, and downed the potion.
He felt a strange sense of vertigo as his surroundings seemed to change. The flat no longer looked as run down as it had. He could see jars of unknown substances on the tables, as well as strange looking plants he was sure were not earthly in origin. The man no longer appeared to be a man, but had cat ears as well as a tail. Brown stripes lined the man's skin, and it appeared as though he had whiskers that stuck out of his cheeks like a cat's. The dirty nails of his fingers resembled claws more than nails. Was he seeing things the way they really were, or was this some sort of hallucinogen at work?
Kyarl -- as he presumed that's who the beast-man was -- hissed at Ryou and tried to make a break for the door.
"Don't let him get away," Janice said, folding her arms across her chest.
Charlie was closest to the door. He blocked Kyarl's path, tackling him to the floor. The demon didn't seem to be all that strong, and there had been times when Charlie had to tackle young dragons. It wasn't much different, except for the demon lacked the ability to breathe fire.
Kyarl snarled and hissed, trying to slash his claws at Charlie. Janice had previously given Charlie the Spirit Cuffs that would send the demon straight to Underworld prison. Pinning the demon to the ground, Charlie tried to reach into his back pocket where he had put them.
With another snarl, Kyarl lashed out against the arm Charlie was pinning him with. Charlie grimaced in pain as his arm was slashed. It wasn't as bad as being slashed by a dragon's claws, but it still hurt. He refused to let his arm buckle, though, and reached behind him to grab the spectral handcuffs.
He grabbed Kyarl's wrist with his bloodied arm, ignoring the pain. He slapped one of the cuffs onto the demon's wrist. As he did so, the demon kicked out from under him with a sudden burst of strength, forcing Charlie off him.
Still holding the other end of the cuffs, Charlie pulled back, effectively dislocating the demon's shoulder. He ignored the demon's yowl of pain as he grabbed the demon's other arm and slapped the other end of the Spirit Cuffs on that wrist.
The Spirit Cuffs seemed to glow, and Kyarl was surrounded by a soft white light before disappearing. The cuffs fell back to the floor.
Janice quirked an eyebrow. "That was the first demon you ever faced?"
Charlie nodded, casting a quick disinfecting charm on his injured arm. The claws hadn't dug too deep, although they were more than mere scratches. There was the potential of scarring if the wound wasn't disinfected before healing. If the claw marks had gone any deeper, they would leave behind a scar. Having faced as many injuries as he had in his twenty-some years working as a dragon keeper, Charlie knew what sorts of injuries left scars and which did not. "Not much different than wrangling a youngling. I'm guessing that the rest won't be that easy, though."
Janice smiled and walked over to him. He noticed that she seemed to radiate a soft yellow light, just as Charlie was radiating a soft reddish light. The light she emitted seemed to be calmer than his, which was flickering chaotically. She held a hand over his injury. Some of the soft light surrounding her flowed into his injury from the palm of her hand, and Charlie's arm began to feel pleasantly warm. The bleeding stopped as the wound partially knitted itself closed. "Reiki can be used as more than a means of attack," she said. "I'm not all that good at healing anyone except myself, though. It shouldn't scar, though."
"I was thinking the same thing," Charlie said, smiling back at her. He supposed that he could probably leave his injury alone, as it was no longer bleeding, and should air out on its own for more effective healing. "What was that potion you gave me?"
"It's something my sister concocted a while ago," Janice said. "It basically lets an ordinary human see things they normally wouldn't be able to see, like a demon's true form or a person's aura. It only lasts for about an hour or so, but it's useful if you need to see something that you normally wouldn't be able to. Prolonged use will actually help your own natural awareness develop. I don't need it any more."
Ryou scoffed and froze the contents of one of the jars. "You should let him develop his skills naturally."
Charlie glanced to the ice demon. He hadn't noticed it before, but the skin around Ryou's eyes and on her forehead appeared to be almost blue, contrasting with unnaturally white looking skin. Her eyes were a bright blue, which Charlie found to be rather strange. He had thought that Ryou's eyes were a silvery shade of gray. He wondered if he was seeing Ryou as the ice demon truly was.
"You look different," Charlie said.
Ryou frowned, turning to Janice. "How strong a dose did you give him?"
"He's not replacing me," Janice said. "He needs to be brought up to speed as quickly as possible."
Ryou just looked at her for a few moments before scoffing and turning away. "Do whatever you want." She walked past them to the door, not saying anything as she left.
Charlie glanced to Janice. "What was that all about?"
She shrugged. "Who knows? I'm not as proficient in translating Ryou-speak to English as my sister is." She glanced around the room. "Now we get to play a fun game of smashing stuff."
Charlie looked around at the various jars and plants. "I suppose an ordinary human can't see these?"
"They're from the demon plane," she replied, turning to him. "Don't think things will be this easy. They're not."
Charlie smiled. He had no doubts about that. "Let's smash stuff up."
--- --- ---
A week later, they found themselves at the triplets' sixth birthday party. Janice insisted that they arrive separately, as she wasn't ready to let anybody know that they were together just yet. Charlie partially agreed with her about that, as he knew that once his family found out about his involvement with her that the fallout wouldn't be pretty. Especially as far as his mother was concerned.
They wouldn't be able to hide Janice's pregnancy for long, though. As he arrived to his nephews' party, he overheard George tactlessly asking her if she'd gained weight before they'd gone outside. Charlie hadn't really noticed it before, but that was probably due to seeing her every day and not really noticing how her body had changed gradually. Pointed out like that, though, Charlie could see that she had the beginnings of a small baby bump, and hoped that nobody else noticed or asked her about it. He just wanted to get through the day without incident.
"Uncle Charlie!" one of the triplets greeted, running up to him. "Join us in destroying Tokyo!"
Charlie smiled at his nephew. "And why are we destroying Tokyo?"
"Because we're monsters, and that's what we do!" Another one of the triplets said.
"Rawr!" the third boy said.
Charlie chuckled. "And just where is this 'Tokyo' that we'll be destroying?"
"It's in Paige's room!" the first triplet exclaimed.
"Really? I don't think your sister would appreciate you destroying anything in her room," Charlie said.
"Boys," Tracy said to them as she approached. "Why don't you go out and play in the backyard? I think that your uncles Bill and Ron made a replica of Tokyo for you to destroy."
"Take no prisoners!" one of the triplets shouted, raising a fist into the air.
"Stomp on everything that moves!" another one of the rambunctious boys said.
"The villagers will weep at the conflagration that destroys their puny town!" the third chimed in.
"What's a conflagration?" the second one asked before they went outside.
Tracy sighed and shook her head before turning to Charlie. "I suppose you should count yourself lucky to merely play the role of 'uncle' as opposed to 'father'," she said.
Charlie chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, I suppose so. Do they need any help in the backyard?" he asked, trying to think of a way to escape politely. There was something in the tone of her voice that indicated that she knew something she wasn't letting on.
"They'll be fine," Tracy said politely. "I actually wanted to ask you a few things." She gestured to the couch. "Sit down." The way she said it made it sound more like she wasn't giving him a choice in the matter.
Charlie sat down on the couch. He wished that he hadn't been one of the last people to arrive, or that everybody else hadn't disappeared into the backyard. "What did you want to ask me?"
"Whose child is my sister pregnant with?" Tracy asked, her voice low to avoid being overheard.
Charlie's eyes widened, and his throat went dry. "Er, what makes you think I would know something like that?"
"You arrived minutes within one another, yet your scents are all over one another," Tracy said, sitting down on the couch next to him. "I noticed that you looked a bit panicked when George asked her if she'd gained weight. I'm currently on my seventh pregnancy. I can see that she hasn't merely gained weight, but is with child. For a while now, I've suspected that the two of you had some sort of involvement with one another. So perhaps I should rephrase my question. Is my sister pregnant with your child?"
Charlie never thought of himself as someone who could easily be rendered speechless. But as he was directly confronted with such a blunt question, he found that words completely eluded him at the moment. All he found himself able to do was nod once before lowering his head.
Tracy sighed heavily. "I hope you realize just what you're getting into. I won't ask what possessed you to involve yourself with her, and I'm certain that Ryou will make plenty of threats regarding your treatment of her. There's not much I can really add." She stood up. "I take it that neither of you wish for anyone else to know at the moment."
Charlie looked up at her. "You won't tell anyone, will you? We're still trying to figure out how to break the news to everyone."
Tracy gave him a scrutinizing look. "I'll let the two of you decide how to break the news. How far along is she?"
Charlie did a quick mental calculation. "About twelve weeks."
"I'd recommend breaking the news as soon as possible," Tracy said. "Baggy clothes can only go so far, and look suspicious on someone who rarely wears such things. I won't say anything, but I won't lie for you if anyone asks."
Charlie nodded and stood. He supposed that was the best he could ask for at the moment. "How did you know she was pregnant?"
"A few weeks ago, she asked me a few things about what made me suspect I was pregnant, and what sort of symptoms I might have gone through," Tracy said. "At the time I thought little of it, but in retrospect I believe she suspected she might be pregnant. And she does have a slight bump to her stomach."
"So you just suspected?" Charlie asked.
"I can also sense the spirit energy of the growing life within her if I concentrate," Tracy said. "After George asked her about her weight, I did just that."
"This wasn't supposed to happen," Charlie said.
"Obviously," Tracy said as she walked off toward the kitchen.
Charlie watched his sister-in-law retreat into the kitchen before turning to the back door. He needed to let Janice know that her sister was aware that they were involved and expecting a child. On the bright side, at least Tracy hadn't threatened him like Ryou did.
--- --- ---
"I suppose there's no use pretending this isn't happening," Janice said as she stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. She had lifted her shirt and was looking sideways at her reflection. "Why couldn't it be something as simple as gaining weight?"
Charlie shrugged, not knowing what to say. He stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, watching her as she tried to determine for herself just how noticeable she was. They had survived the triplets' birthday party, for which he was extremely grateful for. Sure, Tracy knew of Janice's pregnancy, and he received a questioning look from Fred, but nobody aside from them seemed to suspect anything. Well, as far as he knew nobody else suspected. Hermione had pulled Janice aside at some point, but that could have had something to do with Janice's actual job working in the Ministry. That's what Charlie tried to tell himself, at least.
"Nothing in life is ever simple," Charlie said. He leaned against the door frame. "This is really happening, isn't it?" Even though he had told Janice there was no use pretending that nothing was happening, he couldn't help but feel that other people knowing just made things seem more real.
It didn't help that Janice's baby bump was pointed out. If there was no physical indication, it could be viewed as some sort of weird dream. Yet there she stood, her shirt lifted up partially, a slight bump to her stomach showing where his child was growing inside her.
"I really am showing," Janice said, glaring at her reflection. She let her shirt fall back down. "So much for pretending this isn't happening." She turned to him. "Did you know Hermione asked me if I was pregnant?"
Somehow, that didn't surprise Charlie too much. Hermione always had been rather observant. "What did you tell her?"
Janice kneeled down on the floor in front of the mirror. "There wasn't any point in denying it. She's my boss." She looked up at him. "I didn't tell her you were the father."
Charlie nodded and walked over to her, kneeling down in front of her. "She'll figure it out sometime. We really do need to break the news to everyone soon." He looked at the front of her shirt, where he could see the bump on her stomach. "Telling my parents will be the worst. I know my mum will have kittens when she finds out we're not going to get married." He smiled slightly. "Maybe I shouldn't bother hiding my tattoos when I tell her. Try to deflect some of the attention."
"Yes, deflect some of the attention from yourself onto yourself," Janice said, smiling.
Charlie chuckled. "Well, instead of yelling at me for even thinking of having a child out of wedlock, she can yell at me about the tattoos."
"I think she's far more likely to yell at you about having a child out of wedlock than she is about a few tattoos," Janice said.
"What if I also colored my hair some strange color and wore my piercings?" Charlie mused out loud. "I could even conveniently leave my shirt open."
He normally would cast a concealing charm on his tattoos and take out the piercings he had when visiting his family. Both of his ears were pierced, and he had an eyebrow piercing as well. He also had his nipples pierced, bringing the grand total of piercings he had to five. Back in his sixth year of Hogwarts, he had a friend who knew all about body piercing. She agreed to pierce his nipples when they should have been in Transfiguration. He felt that it was worth the detentions they received for skiving off class, as she had accepted a quick shag as payment for piercing him. Sometimes he wondered if there was any girl that had been in his year at Hogwarts that he hadn't shagged by the time he finished school. He had certainly deflowered his fair share of girls during his tenure there.
"I really don't think trying to shock your mother will deter her from yelling at you about having a child out of wedlock," Janice said, smiling. "Although I would love to see her reaction if you were to just show up one day showing off your tattoos and piercings."
Charlie chuckled, and leaned forward to wrap his arms around her. He let himself lean back against the wall, bringing her partially on top of him. "So what do you think would be sufficiently distracting?"
Janice paused in thought. "Tell her while covered in demon guts. She never did like the idea of her children out there fighting demons. I'm not even her child, and she doesn't like the idea of me fighting demons."
Charlie was silent for a few moments as he was once again reminded of the link they had through their families. Like Harry and Hermione, Janice had been unofficially 'adopted' by the Weasley family when she was younger. He knew that she would go to the Burrow sometimes over the winter or summer holidays when she was still attending Hogwarts. Even after she bluntly told him not to think of her as family, it was hard to ignore that she was viewed as a member of the family by most of his family.
"She views you as another daughter," Charlie said after a long silence. "I know you don't think of us as family, but the rest of my family does."
Janice was silent for a few moments. "We're going to have to tell them, aren't we?"
He nodded. "Tracy knows you're pregnant with my child, Hermione knows you're pregnant but not whose child you're having, and I think Fred suspects something… I don't know about you, but I'd rather not have everyone figure it out on their own."
Janice closed her eyes as he held her in his arms. "This is really happening, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it is," he said.
Janice was silent for a while. "Damn."
--- --- ---
Charlie glared up from where he was sprawled on the ground at the demon he was fighting. Not having figured out how to use Reiki yet, he knew he was at a massive disadvantage. Then again, the demon he was facing wasn't a real demon, so maybe he didn't have that much of a disadvantage. He hadn't even taken the potion that would let him see demons' true forms.
"I hate Halloween," Ryou griped as he slammed his fist across the demon's face.
Their true target was a demon who had been selling Halloween costumes in a small shop. Unfortunately, the costumes sold there had some sort of strange spell on them that would turn the wearer into whatever it was they were wearing the costume of. Charlie had encountered far too many vampires, pirates, and witches with green skin to count, but it was those affected by demon costumes that were the worst. The pseudo-demons were all looking to pick fights, and ignoring them wasn't a very good option. Luckily, they'd discovered that knocking them unconscious caused them to revert back to their original costumed selves. Mercifully, none of them seemed to remember just what had happened when they woke up.
"This reminds me of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer," Charlie said as he got up. Janice had made him watch the entire series as part of his training. He remember afterwards getting into an amusing debate with her over what the best season was. He still contended that while the fourth season had the weakest storyline overall, episode for episode, it was superior to the rest.
He hit the demon in the back of the head with a police baton he'd commandeered from a costumed police officer earlier in the evening. The demon hit the ground, unconscious. "I'm so glad I didn't wear a costume."
Ryou raised an eyebrow. "You don't need one. You look ridiculous enough as it is."
Charlie chose to ignore that. He supposed that what he was wearing could be considered a 'costume', as he was wearing what he normally wore while working at the dragon reservation. He hadn't had time to change out of his work clothes before Janice told him that she'd received an assignment to deal with a demon named Vallum, who Fred and George had arrested years ago. He had been one of the few demons to escape execution when King Enma reigned over the Underworld, having escaped back to the human realm not long after he had been transported to the Underworld. Vallum was apparently back to his old ways of devising strange tricks and using humans as guinea pigs.
"Any idea where this Vallum guy might be?" Charlie asked.
Ryou frowned. "He better hope that we don't find him, otherwise he'll find himself missing his other eye," he grumbled.
Charlie didn't think he wanted to know. "Well, aside from what he might or might not want, do you think he's still at his shop?"
"I doubt it," Ryou said as they resumed their trek through London. "If he's smart, he's jumped town already. He has to know that something like this will attract the attention of the Underworld." He muttered something under his breath.
Thankfully, not every costumed trick or treater they encountered had purchased a costume from Vallum's shop. Charlie was more than a bit grateful for that, as he'd rather not deal with a swarm of fairies, princesses, superheroes, or anything else of the sort. As it was, he had dealt with far too much already.
Up ahead, he heard a few screams of plain trick or treaters. Charlie groaned, as that meant another fight. Sure enough, he heard a roar down the street. The darkening night was interrupted by what appeared to be the glow of fire that mercifully faded away before long.
"Let's check it out," Charlie said, already breaking into a run.
He didn't have to go very far before he saw a trio of small child-sized lizard monsters, roaring and shooting streams of fire around randomly. Further down the street, he could see his brother George running towards them, followed by a small ninja and a girl who looked like she came out of a role playing video game. Charlie supposed that George's children -- or the triplets at least -- had purchased costumes from Vallum's costume shop.
"I really hate Halloween," Ryou said as he held out a hand to impede the monstrous triplets' movements. Ice encased their legs up to their knees, holding them in place.
"What are you doing here?" George asked breathlessly as he approached them.
"Trying to deal with all the chaos," Charlie said, not wanting to knock his nephews unconscious, but knowing something had to be done. He quickly cast a shield charm before he could be hit with a stream of flames. "Some demon named Valium--"
"Vallum," Ryou corrected.
"What he said. This demon's been selling costumes that turn the wearer into what they're wearing," Charlie explained. "We've been doing damage control while trying to find him."
George blinked. "Er, that would explain why Ryou's here, but why are you here? Where's Janice?"
Charlie dodged a stream of fire let loose by one of his angry nephews, who seemed set on going on a rampage. "I'm substituting for her." He glanced to his niece Paige, who was dressed as some video game character and making strange gestures while chanting something. "Er…"
George turned to her. "Silencio," he cast, muting her. He looked around. "Where did Jack go?" The ninja boy was nowhere to be seen. George frowned. "Dammit. Tracy's going to kill me…"
"If you knock them unconscious, the midgets will return to normal," Ryou said. He raised an eyebrow as Paige reached behind her and pulled out a flail from thin air. "You might want to start with her."
George made a frustrated sound. "Supefy!" he cast on his daughter before turning to his sons, casting the spell three more times. "Why are you substituting for Janice?" He asked Charlie, who wished that he had thought of Stunning the monsters they'd encountered. "I didn't know the two of you really knew one another all that well."
Charlie shrugged. He didn't know what to say. He knew that he should probably tell George the truth that he got Janice pregnant, and was substituting for her because somebody had to, but he didn't think that was the best time to do it. Especially since what appeared to be ninja throwing stars appeared in a nearby tree.
George frowned. "Dammit," he muttered as he ran in the direction that the throwing stars came from.
Charlie sighed and turned to his unconscious niece and nephews. No longer did they resemble the characters they were costumed as, but they looked like themselves wearing Halloween costumes.
"He doesn't know," Ryou stated, folding his arms across his chest.
Charlie froze. "I haven't had the time to tell my family yet." He turned to the ice demon. "You won't tell him, will you?"
"It's none of my business," Ryou said. "I won't tell him you're the father, but if he asks, I will inform him that Janice is pregnant."
"You did gross things with Aunt Janice?" Charlie's nephew Jack asked, giving him a curious look.
Charlie looked down at him, startled that the boy had snuck back to the group. Seeing him more clearly, though, he could see that his costume wasn't one of Vallum's. "Er, gross things?"
Jack nodded. "Uncle Fred and Aunt Hermione told me that when two people do gross things like in dad's videos, sometimes one of them will get pregnant. I asked my dad about it later, because he and mum do gross things all the time, but he said that it wasn't gross at all." He made a face. "He said sometimes when a man and woman get naked together and do gross things, the woman can get pregnant. So does that mean that you've done gross things with Aunt Janice?"
Charlie shifted from one foot to the other nervously. How was he to explain the situation to a child? He knew that Jack wasn't stupid; he was rather astute for an eight-year-old. "Er… Where were you?" he asked, hoping to change the subject.
Jack gestured to the tree that had ninja throwing stars embedded in its trunk. "I was taking a leak behind the tree. Apparently one of the real ninja out there found me." He shrugged. "So if Aunt Janice is pregnant, and you're the father, does that mean you've done gross things with her? Or is there some other way that a woman can get pregnant?"
Charlie looked to Ryou for help, but the look of amusement on the ice demon's face made it clear he would get no help from him. He sighed and turned back to Jack. "Look, I'd appreciate it if you don't mention any of this to your father--"
"Mention what to me?" George asked as he returned. "And where were you, Jack? You know that you're not supposed to leave my sight!"
"I had to take a leak!" the eight-year-old protested. "And I was asking Uncle Charlie if there was some other way Aunt Janice could get pregnant, or if she and Uncle Charlie had to do gross things for her to get pregnant."
Charlie took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. "That's why I'm her substitute," he said in a low tone.
George blinked, turning to look from his son to his brother. "Janice is pregnant?"
Charlie nodded. There was no point in lying. "We've been sleeping together for a little over a year now."
George just looked at him for a few seconds before speaking. "Let me get this straight. You've been sleeping with the kid sister of my wife, and now she's pregnant? What the hell is wrong with you?! Isn't it enough that you had to sleep with my wife, but you had to sleep with her sister as well?"
Charlie took in a deep breath, opening his eyes. "What happened with Tracy was a one night stand that happened years ago. And I know it sounds strange--"
"Damn right it sounds strange!" George exclaimed. "I used to babysit her! You used to babysit her!"
Charlie could have pointed out that Janice never needed a babysitter, and that he had never actually done any babysitting in regards to her, but figured it wasn't worth pointing out at the moment.
"Dad!" Jack tugged on George's shirt. "Don't just ignore me!"
George looked down at his son and sighed. "I'm sorry, Jack. And yes, for her to be pregnant, that means Aunt Janice had to do gross things with Uncle Charlie. There isn't any way that she could be pregnant with his child otherwise." He glared at his brother. "There are certain lines you don't cross with certain people, and this is one of them! Janice is not like the slags you're used to sleeping around with! She's family, Charlie! She's your sister-in-law!"
Charlie nodded, trying to placate his brother, but at the same time trying to defend his situation. "I know all that! Do you honestly think it hasn't crossed my mind from time to time? Or hers?"
George narrowed his eyes at him. "I know that you can't help yourself from screwing anyone who'll hold still for more than two seconds, but how could you just take advantage of her like that?"
"I never took advantage of her!" Charlie bristled. "She's a grown woman capable of making her own decisions!"
Before George could counter, Ryou cleared his throat. "Perhaps you ought to concern yourself more with waking your bratlings up and getting them to safety rather than arguing over things that can't be changed."
George turned to the demon briefly before aiming his wand at the triplets and his daughter Paige. "Ennervate," he cast before turning back to Charlie, giving him a look that plainly stated their discussion wasn't over.
"Babies are smelly," Jack said sagely to Charlie. "All my brother Riley does is cry and poop."
George rolled his eyes. "Your brother does more than that."
Jack folded his arms across his chest. "He also gets to sleep whenever he wants, and doesn't even get yelled at if he throws his food around. If I did that, I'd get yelled at."
"He doesn't know any better," George said as he tended to his children that were regaining consciousness. "He's just a baby. You, on the other hand, are eight years old."
Paige groaned. "I should have leveled up more," she muttered as she rubbed her head. "Did anybody see where the last save point was?"
Charlie shot his niece an odd look. "Er, will she be alright?"
George nodded. "She always talks like that. It's just a phase. I hope."
"What happened?" one of the triplets asked.
"Where's our candy?" another one chimed in.
"Why's Uncle Charlie and Auntie Ryou here?" the third asked.
"I am not your aunt!" Ryou shouted. Charlie held him back as he started swearing profusely about midgets.
George tried to bite back a laugh. "Luke, Ryou is male. Most of the time. And he's not related to any of you, so would not be referred to as an 'aunt' or 'uncle'."
Luke tilted his head. "But mum said that we should refer to him as 'Auntie Ryou'," he said with all the seriousness a six-year-old could muster.
Charlie continued to block Ryou from going on a rampage. "Your mother always has been a bit odd."
"Guess what!" Jack turned to his siblings. "Uncle Charlie did gross things with Aunt Janice, and now she's pregnant!"
Charlie put a palm to his forehead. This was not turning out how he imagined at all. He would really need to tell the rest of his family soon. First, he would have to explain to Janice that George and his kids knew.
Paige raised an eyebrow. "So what? Chloe wrote to me and told me about how she and some boy named Logan did some experimenting with gross things--"
George turned sharply to her. "What did you just say?!"
Paige shrugged. "They were doing things like seeing just what would happen if one were to swallow live frog spawn, and seeing who could projectile vomit the furthest, and--"
"So she's not having sex with this Logan boy?" George asked.
Paige shook her head. "I don't think so," she said, making a face. "She's only twelve, dad."
George let out an audible sigh of relief. "Thank Merlin," he muttered.
Adam looked over to his father. "Dad, what's 'sex'?"
"It's the number that comes after five," Dylan said, rolling his eyes.
"Nuh-uh," Luke said. "That's 'six', you retard. Sex is the instrument jazz players play."
"Don't call your brother a retard," George chided. "And I think you mean a 'sax' is what jazz players play."
Charlie shook his head and turned to Ryou. "Shall we get out of here?"
Ryou paused in his mutterings about rude midgets and something about someone named Kuroi who apparently could go to hell. "Once more, I hate Halloween," he said as he began to walk off.
Charlie nodded sympathetically as he snuck away from where George was explaining to his children about the facts of life. He felt a bit sorry for his brother, but not sorry enough to bother helping. He chuckled to himself as George was shocked into silence by Paige asking what a 'blow job' was, because apparently a classmate of Chloe's had given a boy one behind the greenhouses one day.
"There's some more up ahead," Ryou said, gesturing further down the street where a couple of small child-sized demons seemed to be fighting each other.
Charlie sighed. It was going to be a long night.
