She kept busy when she returned to Sunagakure, taking up as many jobs as possible and helping with the funeral preparations. Anything to combat the curiously numb feeling inside her. It was like this for a while now.
It felt almost as if she was observing herself from afar during the public funerals. She spoke quietly, said all the right words about the grief of losing loved ones and offering condolences, but she felt strangely empty about it all.
Everyone was very kind. She had visited every family related to the shinobi who had died under her command and had expected some abuse, but no one blamed her. Some may have felt bitter, especially those who had lost more than one family member, but the anger that they felt was never directed at her.
That made everything worse in a way.
A part of her wished that they had been angry, attacked her even. That would have made it a fight and she was good at those. Instead everyone kept talking to her as if it wasn't her fault, like there was nothing that she could have done. She knew mentally that it wasn't, but that thought felt like an excuse. And all the while she felt her body becoming colder and her emotions freezing as the emptiness spread slowly like a disease.
Temari held it together for as long as she needed to during the day, running through the motions of normality and completing tasks with her typical level of competence. She was extra careful around her siblings to make sure that they wouldn't notice anything out of the ordinary, it was easy enough with their packed schedules.
But whenever she returned home safely behind closed doors she wouldn't be able to sleep for the nightmares.
It was always the same dream. Blinding light, deafening noise, chaos and then death. Replaying the heightened memories of the war like an old broken film.
Temari was ashamed of these sleepless episodes where she would wake up in a cold sweat and the occasional silent scream. She was meant to be stronger than this.
She had lost team members before under her leadership; skilled and gifted individuals who had placed their fates in her command and had died regardless. Temari had several bad nights dreaming of them in the past, but with enough training and experience those dreams always reduced in frequency and potency with time. They became background noise; there but not all encompassing.
These new dreams weren't going away.
Too many people that she had known in some form or another had died. They had died stupidly, ridiculously like animals running towards the slaughter. People whose skills she had either nurtured, admired or had struggled against in the past disappeared like smoke and sand. Temari tried her best to distract herself from these thoughts as much as possible, but there was no escaping in the silence of the night with only her mind to accompany her.
The worst part was knowing that she would never be able to make up for those deaths. This wasn't a small team mission that could be learnt from for next time, there wouldn't be another war for at least her lifetime and she sure as hell wasn't going to complain about that. She wasn't a healer either and all the skills Temari had unrelated to killing or teaching others to kill suddenly felt inappropriate. How could she go about essentially representing peace as an ambassador when she had caused so many deaths? The irony alone was far too shameful and so Temari requested to take a leave of absence from all ambassadorial duties.
Nobody commented on it, they had assumed that she was simply prioritising tasks. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either.
Months passed and the nightmares became less frequent, but this was more a result of a lack of sleep than anything else. Temari hid her dark circles under make up and napped lightly whenever she could. It couldn't quite make up for a proper rest, but the few snatched moments of light consciousness helped with the tiredness.
Before she knew it the official mourning period was over and she was packing for her first trip to Konoha after the war.
Ostensibly it was to celebrate Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji's new positions as clan heads officially, but symbolically it was a celebration of the newfound peace between the villages.
All the kages were attending this celebration of the war heroes and Gaara himself was a special guest of Shikamaru's due to their relationship during the war.
It felt far too early to celebrate anything, but Temari dutifully prepared everything for the three day journey. It would be good to see her Konohan friends and she knew how meaningful the day would be for the three clan heads.
When they had arrived to the event held in Konoha's largest park a little late they were quickly ushered into the main marquee to greet the hosts. Temari immediately caught sight of Shikamaru in ceremonial robes and with his hair let loose. It made him look significantly different, but the sharp eyes were unmistakable.
She found it amusing seeing him hide a yawn after greeting his last guest, and indicated to her brothers to hide their footsteps.
They managed to sneak up to him, hidden by the noise from the mingling guests and Shikamaru's own distraction as he looked to the side. Temari cleared her throat when they finally stood in front of the shadow shinobi.
"Are you trying to cause an international incident?"
She smiled as he immediately whipped his head around at her voice.
It was good to see him again.
The last chapter felt too short so I'm releasing this one early.
I feel I've written Temari as too much of a superwoman, no one can be all powerful and never struggle, therefore this chapter came about. Plus it's like she's always right when compared to Shikamaru or is a 100 steps ahead of him emotionally, so showing her in a moment of weakness evens things out a bit imo.
Maybe people won't find her mental struggles to be true to her character, but I think if anything is going to get her down, wouldn't it make sense for it to be a bloody war where she loses her comrades under her command? I also don't think she would tell anyone about it because:
a) no one had experienced something quite like what she did in the war and she didn't think anyone offering counselling would know what they are chatting about
b) People expect her to cope
c) she expects herself to cope
I've tried not to make it too angsty because I personally don't like angst for the sake of it. Let me know what you think!
