Song: Wait by M83
Try not to sniffle when you read this chapter with the song.
"Ray you scared me," she said clutching her chest as her heartbeat went back to normal.
Ray ignored her question and drank from his mug of coffee, hoping that she'd get the signal he wanted her to leave.
Felicity scrunched her nose, and coughed lightly, "Why is it so stuffy in here?"
She walked around and opened the windows, to let in air. After she had lightened up the room, she turned around to Ray who was still staring at nothing. She shivered, knowing whatever going in his mind wasn't good.
"How long have you been shutting yourself in the dark?"
She frowned and put her hands on her hip disapprovingly, she had a feeling Ray had been like this for days.
"Earth to Ray?"
Ray didn't even blink; it was as if he was in a trance, Felicity's frown deepened. Now she saw why Valarie was so worried, Ray would never admit it, but he was getting depressed again. She was determined not to leave until he was better.
"Have you eaten? Why are you drinking so much coffee? When's the last time you ate?"
Ray ignored her questions and sipped his coffee mug. He winced at the bitter taste and slid the mug away from him. He stayed quiet hoping she'd leave him, but he knew she was stubborn.
She sighed sadly looking at the heavy bags under his eyes; he obviously hadn't been getting proper rest.
"Talk to me Ray."
"Missed me?" Ray said dryly with no emotion.
Felicity crossed her arms, "Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday last Friday."
"There's nothing to celebrate." Ray said with a dark frown still staring ahead into nothing.
"Of course there is. Ray you can't keep blaming yourself about Jean."
He frowned when he heard her say Jean.
"Go away." he snapped.
She blinked at his harsh tone, "Ray you didn't come to work for weeks, you thought I wouldn't be worried about you?"
Ray shrugged with a grim look. Felicity paused, "At first I thought you were avoiding me."
"Of course not." Ray gruffed glancing at her as she fiddled with her thumbs.
"Then Valarie explained everything to me."
Ray drank from the bitter coffee and scowled "And I care because…?"
Felicity smiled lightly glad that at least his sarcasm was still intact.
"I just came to check if you were ok."
Ray drank from the bitter coffee and scowled, "Well you don't need to, you aren't my real girlfriend."
"I know. I'm here as your friend." Felicity said cautiously stepping closer to where he was sitting.
Ray's frown deepened, he couldn't look into her eyes. Even with the few friends he had not many were close enough to him to care when it was his birthday.
Felicity was almost surprised at how similar Ray was to Oliver. Ray also liked to blame himself for something out of his control. He kept blaming himself for Jean because he couldn't make the Atom suit on time.
She sighed, "Ray, it's not your fault that she died, you tired your best."
He glanced away like a stubborn child, "I don't need your pity."
She sat down next to him and patted his back. "Tell me what's bothering you?"
Ray stayed silent and stared ahead refusing to talk. But Felicity was patient. She sat there with him for almost two hours in silence until he finally laughed bitterly,
"You know, I moved from Ivy Town to Starling City to get a change of scenery. When the job was offered to me I jumped at it. I hoped that being a CEO would get my mind off of things. Boy was I wrong."
Ray set down his mug and raked his hand through his hair "You'd think after seven years the pain would go away, but it just gets worse. I can't pass an anniversary, a birthday or a holiday without loss eating me up from the inside."
Felicity stared at him, she wasn't sure if he was talking to her or himself.
Ray looked away from her, not wanting her to see his face. "Smoak, leave me alone." He said weakly.
"You can't keep bolting all this anger and hurt up. It's not healthy."
"Easy for you to say."
"Ray…" She whispered putting her hand on his cheek. He grimance as he sipped his coffee before setting it down.
"When will anyone understand I don't need pity. People keep tell me they are sorry she died. And as if that's going to bring her back. I'm tired of people pitying me because I don't need it."
He turned to her in anger, "And I sure do not need yours."
Felicity bit her cheeks resisting the urge to yell back at him, but she knew he was being cranky because he didn't like being seen as vulnerable.
Felicity closed her eyes and took a deep breath before thinking of the next thing to say, "Valarie mentioned you never cried for Jean."
"Of course not," He spat.
She knit her brows, "Why?"
He didn't answer her, she looked into his eyes and in that moment she saw the shy boy Valarie was talking about who hid his feelings from everyone. The boy who was scared of being seen as inferior from those around him. The shy boy who had been treated badly for so long acting tough was his only way to escape the taunting. Now she could see why he was so ill-mannered to people, he didn't want to be seen as "weak."
"You'll never truly heal until you confront whatever pain your feeling. Because sedating yourself with distractions will only work for so long - no matter how fast you run from it, eventually, your grief will overtake you."
"Rubbish."
"You need to let that hurt out somehow Ray."
Ray stared into her eyes, "Crying is for the weak."
"You keep setting these walls to seem tough. But there's nothing wrong with being broken once in a while."
Ray frowned, "So you think I'm weak now?"
She stroked his dark brown hair, "Of course not."
"Then leave."
"No."
"Get out of my house!" He shouted almost knocking over the table.
She sighed and wrapped her arms around him as tears streamed down her cheek. She wasn't sure why, but she cried, she cried for Jean who passed away, she cried for Ray who lost the love of his life, she cried for Roy who was heartbroken, she cried for Sara who couldn't live a normal life, she cried for Diggle who lost his brother, she cried for Oliver who lost his mother, father and best friend. And she cried for herself. For her father that never came back to her.
Ray stiffened and looked down at Felicity who was sobbing in his chest. "Smoak, I didn't mean to shout at you like that. Stop crying" He murmured.
"We all grieve differently. If you won't cry I will."
After a long moment of silence slowly but surely Felicity felt his arms wrap around her in comfort as she cried.
She later looked up from his chest when she heard silent sobs come from Ray. It was now her turn to comfort him. He cried on her shoulder like he'd never cried before in his life. She stroked his hair as he finally accepted his loss.
"She's gone." Ray whispered to himself after he cried.
"Shhh…" She lulled as she stroked his hair.
"Jean's gone." He whispered again.
"I know Ray." She kissed his forehead and continued to stroke his hair, "I know."
"Thank you" he said weakly. Felicity nodded as he closed his eyes while she soothingly stroked his hair.
'''''''''''''''''
"We probably look really stupid now." Felicity said with a sniffle.
Ray wiped the tear from his eye and laughed softly, "Probably."
Felicity smiled, "I'll be right back, I got you something."
Ray furrowed his brows as he watched Felicity walk into his kitchen. After a few minutes Felicity brought out a plate with a big brownie and a candle on it. One half of the brownie was peanut butter and the other half chocolate.
"Happy Birthday! Well…your birthday was last week… but you get what I mean." Felicity rambled. From the way Ray stared her in disbelief she could tell he hadn't celebrated his birthday in a long time.
"Valarie mentioned you and Jean used to eat peanut butter brownies lot." Felicity said as she set the plate in front of him.
She nervously looked to see Ray with his face though as stoic as ever with a tear fall from his eye.
He sighed and smiled sadly, "She always used to make those for my birthdays."
After placing it in his lap she sat next to him and patted his arm, "Well don't just stare at it, make a wish silly."
He turned to her with a frown, "If I hear a peep of any this in the office you're fired."
Ray paused before blowing the single candle and wiping the tear from his eyes. Felicity laughed and handed him a fork, "Your secret's safe with me boss."
"I see you made a few adjustments to the brownie." Ray said with a small smile as he looking at the half chocolate and half peanut butter brownie in amazement.
"Well, you didn't think I was going to take the peanut butter part did you?" Felicity said as she chuckled before eating her chocolate brownie half from his plate.
She glanced at Ray as he finished his part of the brownie, "Well was it good?"
Felicity bit her lip as she watched Ray swallow and nodded silently.
Ray chuckled when he saw Felicity staring intently at him, "Stop worrying, it's perfect."
As they stood up Felicity exhaled a sigh of relief, "Good. Because I was worried that I put way too much flour in the mix—"
He hugged her tightly to stop her from babbling. Felicity she hugged him back surprised knowing Ray wasn't a hugging person.
"It was nothing Ray. That's what friends are for." She murmured.
"No I'm serious, thank you." Ray held her cheek, and stared into her eyes, "You're the first friend I've celebrated my birthday with in a long time."
Felicity chuckled, "No problem boss."
Ray smiled, "That reminds me, you only have one hour of work left"
"Oliver's more lenient than you, trust me he won't mind."
Ray let go of her and opened the door, "Well, don't let me keep you waiting from your guy."
She nodded, "You better go to sleep when I leave." Ray rolled his eyes.
She narrowed her eyes at him with a hand on her hip, "Ray…"
Ray sighed, "I'll try."
"Good."
Ray crossed his arms as he leaned on his door, "Have I ever told me it scares me how much you act like my girlfriend now."
"Oh shut up Ray." She said with a smile while walking away, Ray grabbed her hand. She looked into his eyes that were no longer filled with hate, but simple gratitude. She smiled softly and squeezed his hand back before leaving.
Ray shook his head from he watched Felicity enter her car and wave at him.
Felicity smiled when she saw him wave back at her before she drove to work. She drove to work happy and satisfied she had successfully helped her friend.
This chapter is based a lot on the actual Ray Palmer from the comics, although his wife didn't end up the same way I put it. Ray Palmer is known for being one of the most "brilliantly tortured minds" in the comics.
The next chapter is mainly a lot of Team Arrow, so please be patient... I'm still writing that chapter and will try to post as soon as I can.
