Now that I know what I want
Chapter 29
I went home that day.
I felt heavy and lonely. Tired and sad. The only thing maintaining my company were street lamps, I passed by, and occasionally traffic lights speaking in Morse code.
I do regret things. Things, I'm unable to change.
The hot wind blew into my face. The warmth suddenly felt suffocating. I just needed some clean, clear, air to fill my lunges.
The sun was still in the sky with few clouds dancing past it.
A body connected with my shoulder, groaning ant then grunting loudly, and then the person just walked away.
I swallowed an insult, frowning, and puffing, I glared at the boy's back.
Rude.
My feet carried me away. Each step slower than other. Till I reached my house, I completely froze.
My body almost exploded from the energy, but I still felt so tired, so fucking tired. Getting air into my lunges was the hardest task, also the beat of my heart ringing in my ears didn't helped at all.
But I swallowed the saliva, mixing my fear with it. Before I knew it, I took steps forward. First time ever I felt like a guest, thinking, should I ring a bell or should I just turn around and go away.
I didn't wanted to see him. See his chocolate eyes fill with regret; hear his words being just empty promises.
Slowly, as gentle as I could, I walked inside my house, my home, and felt like I was doing something bad while sneaking in.
My house didn't have that warmth air, only icy cold, that clung to my skin, making me shiver from the temperature change. The silence like darkness was occupying the rooms.
He wasn't here.
I shook my head, disappointment walking into my heart, like an old friend greeting it with a hug.
Probably drinking away his pain, his life.
"Whatever," I muttered under my nose.
How can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved?
It's impossible.
I walked to my room, the only place that it's mine, with my things decorating walls and shelves, with my scent.
Almost tearing my pants, I moved them down, jacket immediately followed the path, appearing on the ground.
Diving into black sheets, I sighed, nuzzling my nose into the cold, cold, pillow.
My muscles ached uncomfortably, as I started to relax. I closed my eyes, slowly breathing in and out.
Guilt found the doors of my heart and knocked excited.
I should help him. I have to help him. He's my father.
I want my kid to know their roots. I want my kid to have a crazy grandparent who gives more then he's able to. I want my kid to know my father, his good sides. Only good sides.
I want my kid to have what I couldn't and more.
To have stupid cousins, annoying brats you couldn't imagine a world. Uncles and aunts, who tells embarrassing stories of your past. Grandparents who spoil you. To have a group of crazy people- loving you, protecting you, telling you how stupid you are.
A family that to helps.
Maybe I should try first, meet my own crazy relatives. Maybe they could help. Maybe I wouldn't be the only one against my father's problem. Maybe I'm not supposed to be the only one helping him.
I could ring Uncle Leo, but would he listen? He was the only one I talked with, the only one I trust the most.
I should try.
I picked my phone, and stopped at the contacts. My thumb hovered over his name.
Maybe he changed his number? But who change their number over two years?
"Screw it." I hissed out.
My finger tapped near the camera, my ear tingled as I waited, hearing only beeping.
"Hello," A deep voice greeted, confusion written in his tone.
"Umm…" I took a deep breath. "This is Santana…" I trailed off not knowing what to say more.
"Santana." He repeated my name slowly. "Santana." He excited said. "Finally calling you favorite uncle?" I could hear a smile inside his voice.
"Nah, man, the others didn't picked the phone," I joked, but then squeezed my eyes.
Pouring a salt to the wound, are we?
But surprisingly I heard his deep laugh.
"Nice to hear that you pulled your head out from your ass."
"Nice to hear that you still are a bully," I said. "Can we meet?"
"Meet? Whoa, where's the secret admirer's letters? And flowers?"
I rolled my eyes. "I'm serious."
I heard him humming. "I'm always free for my favorite niece."
I shuffled a little. "Good."
"Are you okay? You sound little bit…off."
"I'm fine, Leo, I'm fine."
XXX
Leo sighed. "I drove her for two hours, only for you to be silent." He quickly shook his head. "Not that I'm saying it's not good to see you, but what's up?"
"How's abuela?" I asked toying with a spoon.
"Beating around a bush, are we? Fine, be that way, Detective Sherlock Leo still's going to dig into your secret garden." He smiled, putting on his serious face.
I rolled my eyes, when he watched me like a hawk, but a little, tiny I would say, smile jumped on my lips. "How's she?" I repeated.
"She's fine. Most of the time. That woman is made of steel, nothing can bring her down." He sighed deeply. "But she's going crazy, whining how much she misses her favorite granddaughter and then bugs me: -Leonardo, you're getting old, we're going to find you wife. I want more grandchildren. - blah, blah, blah." He wrinkled his nose. "I'm not even old."
I looked at his face, and then slowly muttered "Sure."
"What was that?" He glared."I'm serious, what was that?"
"Aren't you like forty five?" I grimaced.
He puffed the air loudly, snorted then ran a hand through his neatly combed hair. "I'm only thirty and some."
"Still near forty, still old." I said.
"I'm offended, I'm thinking about ignoring you, my not so favorite niece." He pointed his finger at me. "Bad niece."
"Do you think I should go, visit her, I mean." I tapped my feet few times into the ground.
His playful smile flattered, his eyes dropping the amusement. "She would like that, Santana. She's still confused why you and Mauricio decided to ignore everybody. She still wants to see you. She needs to see you, Santana. You both turned into assholes, ignoring her. I mean what the hell?" He grunted. "You didn't wanted to speak with us, Mauricio was going crazy. She's hurt, but she wants to see you. So stop thinking about going and just do," he said.
"I know, Leo, I know, but you don't know some shit." I shrugged, running my tongue over my teeth. "Right now I just can't."
"Then tell me," He said. "I'm all ears." He smiled quickly before becoming serious again.
"It's a long story."
"I drove here for two hours, Santana, two hours for that."
"It's about father, well he has a little problem. " Not little. A big, huge problem.
"Like what?" Leo's eyebrows were creased and he wrinkled his nose.
"He drinks a lot…" I told him everything I didn't tell him before. "He needs help, but he doesn't listen. Just slowly destroys himself. He tried, well at least I believe he did. But I saw everything, Leo, and he said it was nothing. I don't trust him anymore and I don't know how to help him."
"What an asshole." Uncle Leo frowned. " I knew it we should have done more, damn." His nostril flared."Where's he now?"
It was simple question, but my heart ached from that.
"I-I don't know, I know I'm going to win 'the worst daughter' title, but I don't know where's he. But if he's drunk, I don't care. I can't care about this shit anymore," I said. My vision had blurred, and an aching knob appeared inside my throat.
"Santana, do you have some more problems?" He asked suspiciously.
"My life's like a soup opera." I laughed, almost choking with tears.
"I'm not here to judge you," he said.
Yeah, like that would make things easily.
I shook my head. "But when you're going to find out, you're going to kill me."
"Try me." He motion with his hands like some action hero saying 'bring it on'.
My phone buzzed and I frowned, quickly getting it from my pocket. Charlie's name appeared and I rolled my eyes, thinking about declining.
"Just pick up your phone, my seat's warm here, I'm not going anywhere." He winked, squirming down his seat.
"Charlie, can we talk tomm-"
"Quinn's dying!" Charlie screamed.
"What?" I said, my heart started to hammer in my chest.
"Well, not dying, that was just for dramatic effects, yo-"
I wanted to slap Charlie. If only I could do that over the phone…
"Charlie!"
"Her water broke, man, this is crazy."
"I'm coming." I quickly stood up. The hammering of my heart turned into a buzz.
"No don't."
"What do you mean don't?" I was getting frustrated.
"Go to the hospital, loser, I'm not going to receive? Is this word good? Receiv-"
"Jesus, Charlie, fuck." I growled, when she didn't answered anymore and saw that she dropped the call.
"Whoa, Santana, what's going on?" Leo asked. Putting his large heavy hands on my shoulders and gently shaking me.
"We have to go."
"Go? Where?" He frowned, but I didn't heard him, quickly walking outside. "Hey, wait up," he shouted. "Nice conversation you had, by the way, all that screaming…"
"Yeah…" I searched my pockets for the car's key. "Want to hear something else nice?" But I didn't even waited for his reply, I just dropped the bomb." I'm having a child."
"What?" He screamed.
"Yeah…" I sighed, quickly walking to my car and opening the doors.
"But how?" He followed, voice still high, making me cringe.
"What do you mean how? Do I need to tell you a bit about sex? You want me to educate you?" I asked, glaring at him.
"NO!" He screamed again.
"You know it's happens-"
"Shut up, I'm still processing the information. Hey, stop that, you don't get to drive, you're shaking."
XXX
I don't remember much.
Just how fucking scared I was and how blurry those long hours were.
How Quinn watched as Doctor came back in with a couple of orderlies. How she was biting her lip, lifting her hazel eyes that looked bigger than ever and looked at me. I gulped. She squeezed my hand. "Alright, Quinn. We're going to get you prepped for the delivery room."
How they told me I need to get changed and washed up.
The woman gave us both a smile and then looked at me. "It's going to be fine." She motioned to roll the bed down the hall.
It was just blurry.
"You're doing so good, Quinn. Just one more push." I remember Doctor saying, head peeking over the sheet that draped Quinn's lower body.
Quinn shook her head, her eyes quickly flicked to mine. "I hate you." Quinn sobbed out , but when the next contraction hit she pushed.
Quinn's face turned red with exhaustion as she pushed.
I remember how my hand felt numb, I thought that it was probably broken. I was curious and restless. I felt like throwing out and passing on the floor.
Oh, man, what didn't I felt.
Quinn continued to squeeze my hand, curse my name and in return I wiped away the sweat from her forehead.
And the shrill cry of an infant rang through the room.
It was like a horror movie: bloody screams, disgusting things. But somehow it was magical. Not that stupid fairytale magical. It made me happy so fucking happy. I wanted to shout, to meet Quinn's screams still echoing in my ears.
But I simply laughed.
I remember how the attending nurse carefully held the crying, wiggling child as the doctor carefully clamped off a section of the umbilical cord and held out a pair of scissors to me."Miss Lopez, would you care to do the honors?"
"What?" I said, quickly scanning the room. I nodded, filling tears running down my cheek. My shaking hand grasped the scissors. Nodding to the muffled words of the doctor's, I focused on severing the tie, nervously clamping down and watching the tether fall.
I didn't saw much from the tears and every sound was overwhelming.
But I'm never going to forget how I got to finally hold my baby girl in my arms. How beautiful she looked. How happy I was.
In that moment I could have moved the mountains.
THE END
XXXX
(MAYBE?)
XXXX
And then an epilogue.
And maybe a sequel.
Who knows.
So how was it? Did you enjoyed?
Oh, by the way, maybe there's someone who would be willing to discuss my ideas, tell me if I should add something. I'm talking mostly about Million Dollar Girl. Someone who could tell me if I'm going to the right direction. Let's talk about sex, eh?
