Chapter Twenty-eight: Changes
Emily rushed through the corridors with tunnel vision, her dark eyes searching the maze for any signs that she was even remotely in the right ward- or the right hospital. The whole place was eerily silent, possibly something to do with the fact that it was 2am, but it still sent a chill down her spine- a chill that was both amplified and erased as she turned one final corner and laid eyes on something that simultaneously broke her heart and soothed her.
On the far right side of the hall was a sleeping blonde, her head resting against the shoulder of some unknown redhead and her small hand clutching at the woman's shirt like it was the only thing keeping her steady. For a moment, something shifted and her typical instinct pushed her desire towards fleeing; resign herself to the fact that she wasn't JJ's person anymore- what right did she even have to be here? Why the hell had she flown all this way to... what? Fuck up JJ's world again when it was the last thing that she needed? But when soft, hazel eyes looked up and recognised her presence, making a silent escape ceased to be an option.
"I-I'm sorry." She stammered nervously. "I didn't realise- I mean- I should go-"
"No..." Leah interjected, her free hand going out like she was trying to calm a startled deer. "You're fine... Are you a friend of JJ's?"
"I'm..." She had to force herself not to laugh at the question and the complex answer that immediately tagged along with it- what the hell was she to JJ? "I'm just someone she-"
"Oh..." The redhead put two and two together instantly, her eyes somewhat knowing as she carefully stood to move, cautious not to wake the sleeping blonde currently resting on her. "You're Emily?"
"Um... yeah." The brunette confirmed tentatively, her dark eyes scanning around like she'd missed something. "How did you-"
"I'm Leah. Leah Kennedy. I'm the one who called." The only-slightly younger woman held out her hand for Emily to take. "Your reputation precedes you, Emily Prentiss, and you left some pretty big shoes to fill."
Finally, it clicked. "You're my... replacement."
Leah opened her mouth to speak; catching the nuances in the other woman's words before she did. "Oh, I-" Her hazel eyes shot quickly to JJ and then back to Emily. "No. I mean yes, I am. Temporarily, but not in... Not in that way. Those shoes could never be filled by another. No one could even come close- trust me, I've seen them try."
And she had seen them try. Perhaps not the people that the blonde had allowed into her "bed" physically– she seemed to purposely choose the ones who specifically wanted no strings. But the others; the ones who knew nothing of her recent upheaval, the detectives she met on a case, or the ones who tripped over themselves to buy her a drink on their team nights out. And JJ had barely even recognised any of them. It was actually that that had told her there was only one person the blonde would really want here with her at a time like this and had prompted her to make the call that she had to Emily.
Emily couldn't work out if she was relieved or nervous, conflicted or curious. There were too many emotions wrapped up in that one implied admission that she couldn't even begin to entertain right now. Shaking her head, she composed herself and shook the other woman's hand. "I'm sorry, I'm just... jetlag, ya know."
"You're fine." Leah laughed softly, once again feeling like she was trying to sooth a nervous animal. But, just like seeing a deer in its natural habitat, she couldn't help but feel that this was a rare moment too. "I should be going, anyway."
"Oh don't go on my account." Emily's waving hand went out instantly. "I probably shouldn't even be here-"
"Emily..." Leah caught Emily's arm as she moved to leave. "This is exactly where you should be. She needs you."
Emily swallowed apprehensively, her frowning eyes studying the sleeping blonde before she looked back to Leah. "Does she?"
"More than you even know."
And with that, the strangely comforting woman who she had no idea existed until five minutes ago disappeared and left her feeling oddly alone. Looking in the direction that she had just gone, Emily then returned her gaze to JJ; observed her for a moment - studied the subtle flicker of her eyelids, that gentle frown between her eyes, the way her fist clenched against her stomach - before clasping her hands together with a sigh and taking a seat next to her.
She could smell her perfume the very moment that she sat down- it was instantly intoxicating and brought with it a flood of uninvited memories. Her heart pounded with every passing second that she looked upon her with longing- but such a feeling was nothing compared to the one that plummeted throughout her whole body the second that the younger woman's hand reached out and rested against her abdomen; when a warm, seemingly needy blonde snuggled up against her with a desperate sigh.
She held out her hands, stunned, nervous and quite frankly terrified of what this moment truly meant- of what would happen in the instant that she laid her hands on JJ. Of course, when she looked down and saw the subtle comfort gracing the blonde's features, that feeling only magnified- JJ had no clue that it was her that she was snuggling into. JJ, in her sleepy state, thought that she was Leah, and that knowledge cut through her almost enough for her to stand and leave. But the moment she moved even an inch to do just that, small fists clutched suddenly at her shirt, gripped fiercely and distracted her just enough that when words left soft lips, they almost made her jump...
"Don't go."
…made her jump and then plunge to the ground with further disappointment. Yes, she really did think that she was Leah. And she was trapped- trapped until JJ awoke and she would be forced to witness the disappointment in her eyes when she realised that she wasn't her. But when the blonde spoke again–
"You came home..."
-the feeling her those words left was absolutely indescribable. Her whole body relaxed in a way that it hadn't in months. Her arms pulled JJ closer to her without even a moment's hesitation; her hand brushed away loose tendrils of blonde hair as she pressed her lips to the blonde's forehead and breathed in a heavy breath of her scent like she'd been waiting a whole lifetime to do such a thing. "I never really left."
And when she thought about it, she realised how true that was. Such a thing had proved itself that night two months ago when she hadn't really thought twice about calling JJ in her darkest moment. Then again in the subtle instances between her departure and now that had been missed when they occurred but now flashed before her eyes like a movie- the moments in which she'd mindlessly run her fingers along the coloured string around her wrist like most do with a wedding band. It was in the sudden knowledge that even through everything, she had been walking around with this notion that it was all temporary- an escape until she was free and able to have fairytales with the blonde. It was the fact that she actually wanted those damn fairytales- the ones she convinced herself were for fools.
It didn't take long for JJ to drift back to sleep, and for the clutches of slumber to pull Emily in too. For hours she tried to refrain from fidgeting against the discomfort of the plastic hospital chairs; even in her sleep attempting to keep from waking the blonde. She didn't know just how bad Henry's condition was, but if it was bad enough for JJ to be camped out in the hospital all night, then she would certainly need the rest. It was ease wrapped in passive discomfort- the kind of natural and somewhat one-sided battle that you'd expect from a married couple fighting over the comforter.
It was normality, but there was absolutely nothing ordinary about it.
When morning finally arrived - something only indicated by the faint and increasing bustle of doctors and nurses filtering the halls to take patients' vitals - JJ was laid out across several chairs; her head resting in Emily's lap where, with her legs brought up against a chair that she had pulled to the front of her during the night, the brunette's hand mindlessly brushed through unwashed blonde hair. Just like JJ had done all those years ago for her.
It was Emily who opened her eyes first- those eyes widening subtly as she entered full consciousness and remembered just where she was. For a moment she studied JJ, hesitant to break the serenity- not solely now because the blonde needed rest, but because she was still afraid of seeing disappointment in those blue eyes that she had silently and unknowingly longed for for the past several months.
She need not have worried though, because as they suddenly flickered open, there was not one ounce of displeasure there as they peered up at her. There was gratitude that she hadn't expected, relief and a faint dash of hope that caused her to frown; there was, for just one brief moment before reality returned to JJ, a flash of utter contentment. It lasted probably seven seconds; reinforced itself and caused her heart to race in the form of JJ's soft hand mindlessly ghosting over her own, their fingers entwining in a way that made them seem like pieces of the same puzzle. However, when those gentle, relieved, soft fingers suddenly tensed, she realised that the spell was broken...
..something made very evident when the blonde shot up abruptly. "Has the nurse been round? Has anything changed?"
"No, sweetie. Not yet..." Emily turned to face a now fully alert JJ; looked on with sadness at the fear etched into bright blue. Trying to grab the attention of the frantic blonde, she posed a warranted question. "Jayje… what happened?"
"I..." JJ sighed as she perched on the edge of one of the plastic chairs; ran her fingers through her hair and clasped her palms between her thighs when she looked briefly to Emily. "There was… There was a guy swerving in and out of traffic like a madman. Speeding up, slowing down, and then suddenly stopped. I pulled off to the side of the road to calm down and then…" Her eyes welled up as she remembered the moment of impact, and the fact that she had been so busy speaking to Leah that she hadn't paid enough attention. "Anyway, I spoke to the officer in charge. Turns out the guy's car was out of control, something malfunctioned and it was basically driving itself and he was powerless to stop it. It really wasn't his fault..." A laugh of pure disbelief passed her lips. "Is it bad that that makes me angrier?"
"Not at all." Emily replied honestly, knowing that somewhere along the process of pain was the need to blame someone, and in the guy's instant redemption, JJ had lost that. "It's logical. I get it." Somehow the words that were intended to sooth had actually made the expression on the blonde's face worse, and it took Emily a moment to figure out why that was. Scooting closer to her, she instinctively reached out to rest her hand against hers; her arm protectively around the back of her chair. "It was an accident, JJ. It could have happened to anyone, and he has your blood in him. He's a little fighter, I know it."
"It should be me in there, not him." JJ disentangled herself from Emily and walked over to the room in which Henry was; her fingernails cutting into the lip of the window as she studied him. "I got... what? A few scratches? And he's in there probably braindea-" Her words ceased as a doctor she recognised wandered down the corridor.
"Good morning, Miss Jareau." The middle-aged man greeted. "Ready to see how he's doing today?"
She wasn't asked, not directly, but Emily's hand reached out instinctively as JJ followed the doctor through to Henry's room; ghosted over the blonde's fingers and settled protectively at the small of her back as they stood beside the small boy's bed.
A part of her felt like she had no right to be there, but the rest of her just could not move. Perhaps she had distanced herself from the small boy as much as feasibly possible, but the faint band of colourful cotton around her wrist that had been there for almost four years told of a difference story. She wasn't here solely for JJ- she was here for him too. She wasn't nervous because of what the worse would do to JJ- she was petrified for herself too. She wasn't-
"How is he?"
Her hand immediately shot back to her sides as the familiar voice startled her from her thoughts, and it was only when that voice directly addressed her that she turned. God, she really shouldn't be here. What the hell was she thinking?
"Emily..." Will's voice was complex, indecipherable- to him too. He couldn't work out if he was relieved to see her or not. Honestly, he kind of was, but he couldn't ignore the fact that he probably shouldn't be after everything that had unfolded.
"I'll um, I'll wait outside." Emily kept her guilty eyes from Will as she walked by him; sighed as she clicked the door closed behind her.
No, she shouldn't be there. It wasn't her place, her family, her life; not anymore... and yet where she thoroughly expected to leave that hospital and board the next flight back to London, she instead took up the seat that she had occupied the whole night. Took up a seat and waited for something that she truly could not predict, no matter how much she tried to control it.
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It was three hours later when a miracle occurred. She didn't believe in miracles, not really- but she was almost certain that she was witnessing one. It presented itself in the almost painfully grinning faces of Will and JJ as she watched the unexpected, silent scene unfold through the glass window like she was viewing it on TV. Henry was groggy at first, clearly taken aback by the multitude of relieved kisses that were plastered all over his face and she had to laugh. But as reality clearly set in for him, he giggled. She couldn't hear it, but she was certain that if she could, it would have warmed the small piece of heart that she had left- the part that was untainted with fear and engrained certainties, and open to pure, genuine love.
The part that was so protected that it startled her to realise that anyone or anything had gotten through to it. But there was something about this kid, something so unthreatening that told her he held the key- even in ways that his mother didn't. She was sure it was something to do with the fact that he was indeed JJ's son, but the flood of memories that suddenly bathed her mind told her otherwise. The moment when he'd given her the painting that he'd done at daycare; when he'd recognised she needed comforting. The times when he'd excitedly, clearly so overwhelmingly happy to see her, ran and jumped up into her arms as she stood there like a fumbling idiot- entirely baffled by the moment and what she assumed must be confused and misplaced happiness on his face. Those times when she'd gone over to JJ and Will's house for wine night, only to spend the first twenty minutes of her visit until he went to bed playing with building blocks; building the tower higher than the coffee table with the sole purpose of him knocking it down and giggling.
He was her humanity. And that humanity, was now safe, and healthy, and smiling. But more than that, he was something else… something she couldn't place. She'd had no choice but to wait out the anxious twist in her gut when she had no clue how this would pan out- and her waiting had been rewarded, not by the entire world crumbling down around her, but by something so positive that it seemed to have shifted everything inside her.
It was relief in the form of a gentle breath that escaped her lips- it was odd clarity that painted in her mind as one, two, three of the walls imprisoning her slipping from their self-righteous throne. She'd let fate run its course without intervening… and she'd won. There was no apocalypse. How was that even possible?
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"When did you take up smoking?"
The voice was familiar again, only this time, it was a special kind of familiar; the kind that floods you with utter relief, and it truly did. Her eyes widened instantly and without even really thinking about it, she turned and abruptly flung her arms around the source's neck. She gripped as tight as she physically could, her eyes closed as she settled against Morgan's chest and breathed in his scent.
"Welcome home, Emily."
Home... She pulled back and looked at him with a gentle furrow in her brow, her eyes soft and thankful as she studied his handsome features like she had been certain she would never see them again. Honestly, she hadn't thought about it, hadn't allowed herself to. It was only in his towering but overwhelmingly comforting presence that she truly realised how much she had missed him.
"How is he doing?" Morgan nodded his head towards the hospital doors.
"He, um..." Emily's features broke into a genuine smile. "He woke up."
"Really?" The dark agent's eyes widened. "Oh my god, that's fantastic. I knew he had it in him, he's got his mommy's genes."
"He certainly does." Emily nodded with a smile before looking to the ground.
"So if he's awake, what are you doing out here?"
"I guess I figured I'd let them have some time alone." She nodded slowly; her eyes still fixed to the snowy pavement beneath her feet. "They're a family, and I'm... Well, we both know what I am."
"You think you're the one who broke it up and therefore doesn't deserve to be in there?"
Emily laughed uncomfortably, twisted her neck and looked away in a gesture meant to deny his educated assumption but only confirmed it.
"You didn't break up anything, Emily." Morgan shook his head sympathetically. "Look, now isn't the time, but you should be in there. JJ wants you in there, trust me. And I don't think I'd be far wrong in thinking that Will might too."
"Are you serious?" Emily laughed in disbelief before tossing her cigarette into the allotted smoker's post. "You're not wrong very often Morgan, but I think you're wrong about that. I think I'm gonna head to the hotel. I still didn't check in yet. Let me know if anything changes?"
"I think you'd be surprised, Emily." Morgan called as the brunette walked away. "A lot has changed since you left."
"Morgan..." Emily turned and shook her head slowly, silently begging him not to make her go back in there. "Just… call me if anything changes, and give him a hug from me."
"Okay." The dark agent nodded reluctantly. "Okay, I can do that. Just... just don't disappear again. Please?"
She just stared at him, afraid to make any promises. So she didn't, and after several seconds, he figured as much and turned to head inside. However, when she reached her car, it was like the faint chug of the vehicle unlocking unlocked something within her mind too, and whilst she couldn't tell you exactly what it was that caused her to turn and head back, she did just that- hung out in the waiting room and watched through the blind-obscured window at the relieved smiles and obvious love dancing around the small boy sat upon the bed. Studied the fairytales presented to her in there with an odd feeling in her chest that she wouldn't decipher for several more days- but it was enough to keep her rooted to the spot and would, unbeknownst to her, ensure that leaving was the thing that she wound up running from, rather than the other way around.
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"Morgan said you'd gone back to the hotel?"
The soft southern drawl snapped her from her daydream several hours later, and she instantly prepared herself for the worst before she looked up.
"Emily..." Will laughed, his hands going out to calm her like Leah had in the earlier hours of that morning. "I'm not gona hit you, or yell at you, or... whatever else it is that you're mentally preparing yourself for."
"You'd..." She swallowed, unsettled by the moment and baffled by it too. "You'd be entirely justified."
"Probably." Will nodded without apology. "But then probably not." He watched the confusion paint itself across Emily's face and allowed it to linger there for a moment before he spoke again. "Walk with me."
Tentatively, she did; looked quickly back to an oblivious JJ beyond the thin layer of glass and then stood to step in line with Will.
She knew this story. She hated that she did, but she knew it very well. It had been decades since she had been in this position- finding herself in the presence of someone whose heart she had knowingly stomped all over; someone that had been supposed to be her friend no less. Only, she didn't really know this story at all. Something seemed different.
She stopped abruptly when she found herself drowning in the silence; trying to reign in the situation before it sent her overthinking mind spiraling too much. "Will, look, I didn't get the chance to apologise-"
"I'm glad you didn't." He responded honestly. "I wouldn't have accepted it. I needed to be as far away from you as possible." Grabbing a coffee from a nearby machine, he leant against the counter; his demeanour cool but he knew Emily could see beyond it. Part of him wanted her to. Things had changed so much – he was happier than he had ever been – but that wasn't the reason that there was still residual ill-will there. "I was angry for a very long time, Emily. I hated you for what you did to me, for the deceit and I blamed you. I blamed you for me losing her." He paused, allowing his words to settle. "And then I realised that I hadn't lost her at all- that for the first time, I truly had her. Perhaps not in the sense that I thought I wanted originally, but for the first time I didn't feel like there were parts of her missing, that I was being shut out."
"I'm… not sure that I understand."
Will's brow furrowed. "You… don't know, do you?"
"Know... what?" She felt entirely like she had missed a huge chunk of her own history- though actually, in disappearing, she probably had and the feeling wasn't entirely foreign to her these days.
"Emily..." Will lowered his voice; more in surprise than anything else, but he'd be lying if he said a part of him wasn't glad that she was on the receiving end of being kept in the dark for once. Not necessarily just because that someone had been him months ago, but because he knew that in disappearing, that is what she had done to everyone else. And that was where any bouts of anger still lay- in the fact that he was certain that even after everything, she was going to disappear again. "What exactly has JJ told you?"
"She hasn't told me a great deal."
"Did you give her a chance to?" The question was cutting and it was intended to be- but the good guy in him still glossed over it quickly. "Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems, Emily."
Emily couldn't help it; a small, breathy laugh left her lips at those entirely familiar words. The words that she had spouted often enough and believed entirely too, but she never had been able to apply them to herself and her own situations.
"Emily, you..." He shook his head, uncertain whether he should really be divulging this information. "You do know that you were the catalyst strong enough to stop her living a lie, don't you?"
"What lie?" Her brow furrowed intensely as she tried to decipher the giant pieces of information that she was clearly missing here. "I don't think she was living a lie with you, Will. She loved you, genuinely. What happened between her and I was... Well, I don't know-"
"She's gay, Emily. Like, totally gay. Like, I never had a real chance with her gay. Like... if it hadn't been you, it would most certainly have been someone else or she would have spent the rest of her life miserable kind of gay..." His voice lowered. "Like... she's always known and kept it to herself and probably from herself kind of gay..."
Wow... Emily took a visible step back, trying to process what this all meant; a brief conversation with Kate flashing in her mind and she felt somewhat foolish for not contemplating that further at the time despite it having been put so bluntly to her. "But..." She was at a loss for words; desperate to process everything that had been a definite certainty to her for the past five months but entirely unsure which part to pick apart first. Until her heart plummeted to her gut- nothing-is-ever-black-and-white Emily had been too trapped in the grey areas that she had only seen black and white. "Then that makes sense…"
Her words were mindless as her thoughts pulled her in. She somewhat remembered telling Garcia that she knew that there was more to JJ's story months ago – months ago when she had cut off the analyst's words that she now realised probably would have been similar to Will's – but even then she hadn't registered it. Jesus, Kate had probably been right- maybe she really had been looking for a reason, any reason. Maybe leaving never really had been anything to do with JJ, and everything to do with her own need to live a life of solitude; one painted with false reasoning of the idiocy of love and fairytales, but actually, beneath the surface, filled with fear of being seen as the villain of the piece. Fear of losing her fairytale to herself; fear of being the reason that she ever lost the one true thing she had ever felt and in a backwards way of avoiding that, just running from such a thing altogether. "Then she never..." Suddenly her justifications didn't work anymore- they were nothing more than excuses and without every escape route that those justifications had provided her, she felt entirely claustrophobic. "She really didn't intend to..."
"I'll leave you with that for a moment." Will nodded in understanding as he pushed himself off of the counter behind him and began to leave. "It's a lot to process. Trust me, I know." Taking a few steps away, he turned back; paused for a moment before speaking. "She fucked up, Emily. But not because she is a fuck up... because she was afraid of losing the person she loves. Because she was afraid of losing you."
Emily's glazed eyes shot up just as Will disappeared down the corridor with his very familiar words lingering in his wake; and as he vanished from sight, so did she- her feet blindly leading her to the hotel. She couldn't remember the journey, not really. She had far too many questions and queries running around in her mind; certainties that had somehow exploded before her very eyes and left her in this utterly lost, limbo state.
In the few short minutes that Will had spoken, everything had changed.
