"Jo…" I put my hand against her wrist and try to comfort her. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her. I honestly don't know what I expected her reaction to be but please believe me when I say that if I knew she would be this upset over me not telling her, I would've told her. I damn sure wasn't expecting Harvard to call her up. But they did. They called her, they told her that she's in, she knows I paid her deposit and now I've messed everything up. She's so upset that her entire body is shaking. Her hands are cupped over her face, her elbows are resting on her knees and she's crying so hard that she can't breathe for any longer than a minute. "Look Jo, I'm sorry…I thought…" Cutting me off from beginning to explain, she shakes her head at me for the third time. Why won't she let me explain? What have I done to her? To us? I thought I was making things better. I jumped the gun. Damn, I wish I had never paid that goddamned deposit. "Jo." I call her name again but still, she's shaking her head. She's crying loudly with her hands over her face and her body is trembling. "Jo, will you just let me freaking explain?!"
"There's nothing you need to explain…" She finally takes her hands away from her face and her eyes are so red and puffy that I hardly recognize her. The skin on her face is blotchy and beet red and she really looks like someone gave her a death sentence. "I didn't think I was gonna be able to go…" She sniffs and seemingly pulls herself together. "I thought I had to give up, that I had to…" She loses control and starts sobbing again. "Thank you so much, Alex…thank you." She hiccups and shakes her head at me some more. "I thought…I thought…" She's trying to talk but she's too hysterical to talk. She's thanking me? So she's not mad? "You have no idea what this means to me…" She sniffs and pulls herself together again. With the pads of her fingers, she wipes her eyes and starts fanning herself with her hands. "How'd you…do it?"
She thinks I did it to surprise her. She doesn't know that I did it and I regret it. She doesn't know that I did it because I wanted her to go away for good. I paid that deposit to ensure that she'd leave me alone for good because I didn't want to keep falling for her. She thinks I did this to surprise her. Little does she know I regret every second of it. Little does she know I wish that I had never done it in the first place. "I just called and said I needed to make a payment." Instead of looking at her, I look down at the quilt on the bed and try to wrap my mind around what just happened. Now I have to find another way to get her to stay and not leave me. I had every intention on pretending like I never even paid it. I was gonna act like it just didn't happen. Now she knows and since she knows, she's going to want to go and what if I can't stop her? I run my hands through my hair and sigh. I look back up at her and see that she's still trying to pull herself together. Look how happy you made her though…she's so happy. "…So now you have no excuse for not chasing the dream." I put on my best fake smile. She's so happy and really, that makes me happy. Seeing Jo happy makes me happy and if she's happy…maybe I can try to be happy for her.
"You can't forget our deal." She wipes her face off some more and her smile is so honest and so wide. I guess she doesn't have to know the real reason I paid her deposit. I mean, she's happy so I shouldn't spoil it. "You have to continue writing. You're not letting me give up…I'm not letting you." Her voice reminds me of how it used to sound, back when she was working for me. Her voice is sweet with a hint of playfulness. Still fake smiling, I nod my head and sigh. I can't look at Jo right now. I can't look at her knowing how happy she is and how screwed up the circumstances under I paid her deposit for are. This is all just a screwed up situation and I can't think. "Alex…this is great, isn't it?" She creeps up behind me on the bed and puts her arms around my chest. "I mean it's not great for me because now I'm stuck thinking of ways to make it up to you, which will probably take it the rest of my life to do it, but…" She puts her chin on my shoulder blade and squeezes me. "Now I can go be a doctor…and you can write more books…and this is all because of you." Her hands start rubbing my chest. "Why don't you look like this is great?"
I just feel like everything between us is a big lie. She still thinks I'm the best thing and she doesn't know that I'm the reason she's stuck with me. She's thanking me and she doesn't know the reason I initially paid her schooling off is because I wanted to get rid of her. Everything between me and Jo is just a lie. I don't want to keep lying. I want to start new. I don't want to keep building and building this relationship up when the entire foundation of it is just one big, fat lie. "Hey, Jo…" I swallow a lump in my throat that formed because I know that what I'm about to say to her is probably going to ruin all of this. I know what I'm about to say can really ruin all of this but it's Jo I'm talking to. It's not some random girl off the street and it's not Lucy I'm talking to. It's Jo. Jo deserves the world and more. And I made a promise to myself that I was going to treat her better and treating her better isn't lying to her. I put my hands around hers and turn my head to the side so I can kiss her on her lips. "There's some stuff we need to talk about."
"…Oh god." Her entire expression just changes. "You didn't really pay them, did you?" She takes her arms from around me and sits down on the bed with her legs crossed. "They made a mistake…" I turn around so I'm not facing away from her anymore and when I face her head on, I can tell that she's pretty much crushed. She's looking down at the bed, her hair's fallen in front of her face and she's holding her elbow like she just lost her best friend. She looks absolutely distraught. Part of me is telling myself to forget about even saying anything. Part of me is telling myself to just make the most of these next days we have together and take all the lies to the grave. The bigger part of me knows that I need to tell her though.
"No, I paid it…it's all paid for, you don't have to worry about any of that." I run my hands through my hair again and look at her. "It's not that. I paid Harvard…" I mumble. Her expression is clearly lighter after I told her that I paid Harvard for her but she still looks a bit worried. I have a feeling that this is going to be ruined between the two of us but I really don't think I'd like myself if I kept lying to Jo. "If we're gonna make this work…" I put my tongue in my cheek and clear my throat. Just do it already. Just do it Alex. "If we're gonna make this work, we can't lie. There can't be any lies between us if we're gonna make this work and I think you know that." She tucks her hair behind her ear and nods her head. "So um…" I look away from her because I don't think I'm going to be able to look at her while I tell her that this is all my fault. "You know I'm…Michael Evans." I start. I don't think I ever really told her that I'm Michael Evans but it's clear to me that she knows. I know she knows. She nods her head and puts her hand on my kneecap. "And you know about that book…I tried to write, right?" She nods again. "The whole…store burning down, your house burning down, you being trapped with me…it's all my fault." She raises her eyebrows when I admit that. "The people in Sioux City got mad because I tried to write it. And they…rioted…burned down the store…your house. I'm the reason you're here right now, Jo. I'm the reason we had to leave. I went into your house to get you because it was my fault. I couldn't let you die in there when it was my fault in the first place. It's all my fault, Jo. I'm the bad guy here. Me."
"…I wish you'd stop doing that." She's looking at me with the straightest face I've ever seen anybody have. She'd be a hell of a poker player with a face like that. I narrow my eyes, asking her "doing what?" with my expression. Me and Jo have some kind of special connection with each other I think. I can read her looks like a book and I know exactly what she's asking me and she reads my looks just the same. We just connect that way. She's my best friend on this entire planet. Now I know people don't usually have sex with their best friends or find their best friends to be beautiful or whatever, but I mean it. Jo's the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's amazing that my best friend just so happens to be my girlfriend and it'd be even more amazing if my best friend turned out to be my wife someday. "That whole…'I'm a horrible person' thing. Alex, no you're not. Stop thinking that way." She props herself up on her knees and slides over towards me. Since I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, she comes up from behind my back and puts her legs around my waist. "I figured." She rests her head in the middle of my back and rubs my stomach. "You treat me like I'm stupid Alex… stores don't just randomly burn down at one in the morning…and guys don't randomly up and leave the state at one in the morning either. I figured something was up." Her hands trace my abs with loving tenderness. "I just knew that you'd tell me when you were ready to tell me so I wasn't going to force it." She's too smart for me. She's friggin' brilliant. "I didn't know you had lynch mobs after you, but… I kinda figured you had something to do with everything burning down."
"You're way too smart for me." Again, I put my hands against hers and stroke her arms. "Every time I think I'm a step ahead of you, you make me feel like an idiot when you reveal that you're actually five steps ahead of me. You're so smart." Her chest vibrates against my back as she laughs and the pleasant sound of her laughter fills the room. I won't lie; I feel much better after telling her this. The fact that she already knew didn't exactly defeat the purpose or anything because I still feel better that I was the one that admitted it to her in the first place. I just feel better after telling her and I feel even greater with the fat that she's not mad at me for it. Every day, this girl gives me more and more of a reason to believe that she's the one. I'm just gonna stop worrying about Massachusetts. I don't know what we're going to do once we get to California and I don't know what's going to happen between us but I'm just not going to think about it. Also, I'm gonna tackle one lie at a time. I told her about me being the reason the house burned down and I'll tell her tomorrow about the real reason I paid her deposit…maybe. I just want to be happy here with her. That's all. So I'm just done thinking about the things that won't make us happy. Matter of a fact, I have something to ask her… "Jo?" I call her name. She tightens her grip around my body to let me know she hears me. "…You wanna be my girl?" Her grip loosens again. I haven't asked a girl to be my girlfriend in FOREVER. "My girlfriend, I mean. Will you be my girl?" I ask her again.
Very low, she starts laughing. Why is she laughing? Her laughter gets louder and louder by the moment until it's finally boisterous and so hard that she stops breathing. What's funny? I just asked her to be my girlfriend… Her arms fall from around me and she flops back, flat on the bed. When I turn my head to look at her, she's lying flat on the bed with her hands clutched over her stomach and she's laughing HARD. See, I knew it. I knew she'd turn out like Lucy. I freaking knew it. I get up off the bed and grab my shirt and my pants. I gotta get out of this room before I break something or better yet, break her face. I KNEW it. That's what I get for being WEAK. I told you, love is weakness. Love is for people that want to lose. I start putting my pants on. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she LAUGHS at me. I freaking knew it. She swore she wasn't like Lucy. She swore… I put my shirt on too. "Alex…" She calls my name through her hysterics. "Alex…" I ignore her and go towards the door and all of a sudden, her laughing just stops. "ALEX!" She screams my name with seriousness. "STOP!"
"I'm leaving…I'm not staying here. Screw this." I grab the door handle. "Better yet, screw you." She springs up off the bed and runs over to me. "Get away, Jo."
"Why?" She puts her hand on top of mine. "Alex, stop it…" She still has a giddy little look on her face and I could easily slap it off. "What's the matter, baby?" Now she's calling me baby?
"If you don't want to be my girlfriend, just say so. Don't laugh in my face."
She cracks a smile and starts to laugh again. WHAT IS SO FUNNY?! What's funny about me wanting her to be my girlfriend? "I never said I didn't want to be your girlfriend." She smirks. "I just thought it was funny…" She explains. I narrow my eyes and she gets what I'm saying. "I thought it was funny that you thought to ask me. I just…I kinda thought… I kinda thought I already was. We kiss all the time, we have sex, we flirt, we sleep together, you loan me money…I thought I already was your girlfriend. If I wasn't, then what the hell was I? Just a girl? I thought it was funny that you asked when I already assumed that we were…boyfriend and girlfriend. That's why I laughed. It wasn't because I don't want to be your girlfriend."
"…Oh." I take my hand off the door handle and sigh. Well needless to say, I feel stupid. "Well I asked you…you gotta answer me now." I take a step away from the door and she follows me.
"Of course. I don't even know why you asked. You should've already knew the answer." She stands in front of me with the prettiest smile on her face. Her eyes are squinted while she smiles and her teeth are so white and perfectly aligned. "Can we kiss now?" I noticed that her eyes were fixated on my lips but I just brushed it off. I raise my eyebrow up at her and my lips curve up into a smile. She's my girlfriend. Jo's my girlfriend! The greatest girl in the friggin world…is my girlfriend. Like she always does when she kisses me, she puts her arms around my neck and holds my head still as if she doesn't ever want to stop kissing me. She's my girlfriend now, so I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze her. I never want to let her go. She puts her lips against mine and holds my head still and even though I want to be forceful and kiss her so hard that there's no other choice but to take her to the bed, I don't. I kiss her softly, the sole purpose to seal the deal that she is my girlfriend.
"…So." I pull away from the kiss but I don't let her go. I keep her tight and close to my body. "When do you want to go on our date?"
"Some other time when my head isn't hurting." She takes her arms from around my neck and stands flat on her feet. "I was thinking that we could try out the hot tub though… what do you think?"
"I think you might be on to something." I kiss her cheek and finally let her go. I didn't want to but I felt like it was time to. I honestly wouldn't mind holding Jo in my arms for hours on end. I know she's safe when she's in my arms and I don't have to worry about her. I love holding her. She walks back over towards the bed and I just watch her. Everything she does, I'm amazed by. She's only officially been my girlfriend for like five minutes and I already know how lucky I am. I'm so lucky that of all people in this world, she chose me to be her boyfriend. Jo's amazing. She starts taking off her bra and still, I just watch her. I've already decided where I'm taking her on a date. I'm gonna take her somewhere around Denver to eat an early dinner or late lunch, and after that, I saw this amusement park on our way into Denver. She walks nakedly over to the hot tub and starts it.
I'm not real good with romance and emotions and stuff so admittedly, I'm a little apprehensive about whether or not I'm going to make Jo happy with me. I do, however, write good romance books if I do say so myself. Maybe if I treat Jo like one of the girls in my love stories, I'll be alright. I don't know what I'm gonna do or what's gonna happen when it's time for us to go our separate ways. Maybe I'll go to Boston with her, maybe she'll stay in California with me. Or maybe she'll go to Boston and I'll stay in California. I don't know what's going to happen yet. All I know is that I've got another week left with her and I'm going to make it count. And hopefully by the end of this trip, my mind will be made up as to whether I'm staying, going with her or if she's staying. But right now I don't know and I'm done worrying about it. I'm just gonna play it by ear.
Jo's Point of View.
"You do, though. You have the worst attitude about yourself." Underneath the water, I start playing with his leg hair. I'm sitting between his legs and lying back against his chest and his arms are around my waist. "You keep trying to convince me that you're some horrible person but you're not. Just because a bunch of buttholes get together one night and decide to go burn down somebody else's property doesn't mean you're a bad person. That's not your fault." If you were talking to me about a week ago, I'd probably be one of the people that thinks Alex is a crappy human being. But I don't anymore. All the people that dislike Alex…they don't know him like I know him. They don't know what a beautiful person he is. He's a little rough around the edges but once you break through his shell, he's worth knowing. He's gone through a lot of tough stuff in his lifetime, that's why he's so hardened. If anybody knew Alex the way I know him, they wouldn't think he's awful. They'd know very well how amazing he truly is. "You think everything is your fault. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're the victim? You don't have to be the cause of everything…"
"I don't want to talk about me anymore, Jo." He starts rubbing my arms. "Let's talk about our date tomorrow…" He kisses my cheek and keeps rubbing my arms. "What are you gonna wear?"
"I don't know." I close my eyes and take the moment to relax. For the last hour, I've been trying to think of ways to make it up to him. He paid for me to go to Harvard. HARVARD. He paid my deposit so I can go. How do I make it up to him? How do I give back to him when he's given me everything? I gave up on going. I had it set in my brain that Harvard wasn't an option for me anymore and I resigned myself to the fact that once we get to California, I'm going to look into getting into UCLA. But an hour ago, my life changed. An hour ago, the admissions lady called me and told me that they received my payment and they look forward to seeing me this fall. He paid for me to chase my dream. How do I give back to him when he's given me EVERYTHING? He knows what Harvard means to me. I'm honestly still not over it. I'm going to Harvard! "…Alex." I love the way his name rolls off my tongue. "Thanks again. I don't…know how I'll ever repay you, but I will… I swear I will."
"No talking about Harvard either." He mumbles as he nuzzles his face in the crook of my neck and plants a kiss below my earlobe. I reach back and move my hair away from him so he doesn't get any of it in his mouth while he kisses my neck. "No talking about houses burning, medical school, books being written or being a bad person. None of that…okay?" Against my neck, I feel his lips open up and his tongue pokes me. I close my eyes just as he starts to suck on my neck. "Let's just talk about you and me…"
I bite my lip as he moves his lips to the sweet spot on my neck. "Okay…" I know he said he doesn't want to keep talking about Harvard but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to Harvard! Freaking Harvard! He paid for me to go to Harvard. When we get to California, I'm on the next freaking plane to Massachusetts and I'm going to Harvard Medical School. Wait…. Something just hit me. I'M going to Harvard. I'm going to Boston, Massachusetts. But Alex…he has a life waiting for him in California. Does that mean? That doesn't mean… "Alex… I know you said…" He keeps sucking on my neck but his hands move from around my waist to between my legs. One of his hands parts my legs and the other slides deep between my legs. "That you don't want to…" I can't keep talking while he's playing with me like this.
"I don't want to what?" He stops kissing my neck for the moment so he can talk but he goes right back to it. His thumb brushes over my clit and I tilt my head back to deal with it. I know he doesn't want to talk about it and I know we're kind of in the middle of something sexual right now but I really need to know. If I don't get this off of my mind, it's going to mess with me and it's going to prevent me from having a good time if this escalates into full-blown sex. I just need to get this off my mind. So I reach down with my hand and stop him before he can even stick his fingers inside of me. "…What? Did I hurt you or something?" He stops himself and he sounds worried. I love how Alex is always so worried about me. I find it so incredibly sweet because he doesn't seem like he's the kind of guy that really gives a crap about how girls feel too often. I must be special for him to constantly check up on me like that.
"No…." I bite my lip. "I was just thinking…. I'm going to Harvard and you're going to California. Does that mean…that I'll never see you again after this?" I turn and look him in his eye but he looks away. I wrinkle my brow because there must be a reason as to why he can't look me in the eye. "Because that'd be real messed up… I don't want to never see you again." He's my boyfriend for crying out loud. We made it official today. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. If..if me going to Harvard means that I can't be with him then I don't want it. He's my boyfriend, my BEST friend. I don't want it. I….Harvard is my DREAM but if me going across country to pursue my dream means that I can't have him…the person I THINK I might actually love…I don't want it. "Alex, look at me." I demand. He still won't look at me. "Alex…"
"…I haven't figured that out yet." He mumbles and my heart feels like it's breaking. I'm going to cry. What if this is what we're meant to be? What if Alex is my soulmate? What if he's meant to be my husband, the father of my children? I can't just go across the country without him. I can't do it. I won't do it. "We'll figure it out, Jo." I blink my eyes and tears stream down. "Don't cry, Jo…don't. We'll figure this all out, I promise. Okay? We'll figure this out. We got this."
"…We do?" I sniff and wipe my eyes free of the little bit of tears that fell. "We got this?"
"Yeah, we do."
