A/N: Are you guys still there, or have I lost you? I didn't receive much feedback last chapter. :(


"Meredith!"

Callie Torres had arrived to rescue her. Meredith was reluctant to discuss Derek's situation in more detail with her two closest friends. Just when Callie appeared, though, Cristina's and Alex's phones both buzzed. They both let out loud sighs.

"Interns," they both muttered. From the look on both of her friends' faces, Meredith sensed she wasn't the only one dealing with moronic interns today. This entire class was full of duds. It was Meredith's first year as an attending, so she'd never had to oversee an entire intern class before. She wondered if every intern class had this many duds. She imagined they must, because there were a reasons for why only a select few survived residency. They had to weed out the duds first, before they found the gems in every class. Meredith had yet to find a prodigy in this year's intern class, but she had also been out of commission for several weeks.

Cristina and Alex both wandered away as Meredith directed her attention to Callie. Callie said, "I tried texting you, but…"

"Brooks has my phone," Meredith finished, regretting in that moment handing her phone off to an intern. "I should find her. See if any of the sisters have purchased their plane tickets yet. That way I know what time they're coming in and can send for a cab. That's a sisterly thing to do, right?" It was something they would do for her, she was sure. She didn't really consider Derek's sisters her sisters, but she figured she should be nice to them, especially if they were willing to slice open their limbs and donate nerves to her husband. Then again, it was for his gain, not hers. He should be the one sending cabs for them, but that would require him to stop being such a baby about asking for help from them.

Though, deep down, she knew that Derek getting his hand fixed was also for her benefit. If he didn't get his hand fixed, she feared what would happen when Derek realized that being a stay-at-home dad wasn't his cup of tea. Then what? He would become agitated and ornery, and he would take it out on her and the kids.

Kids. Meredith's heart sped when her brain automatically pluralized the word.

Derek would resent them all and become depressed. She could picture him in a pair of sweats, slouched over a bottle of booze, and his face was covered in sweaty, stinky hair.

She preferred him clean shaven. He definitely needed to get his hand fixed.

"Right. First I could use your help," Callie said.


"Maybe I am crazy," Meredith said later. Callie needed help irrigating Big Foot's wound. Callie feared the infection was spreading again and wanted Meredith to take a look at it. They needed to act fast.

"You're not crazy, Meredith. You just care," Callie said. "Which is understandable. Believe me, I'm the same way with Arizona. I've been looking into prosthetics, and there are studies on 3D printed prosthetics and rewiring the brain to have sensory abilities. Arizona could feel and control her leg again. I brought it up to her once and she freaked out."

"She's scared," Meredith said hoarsely. "Just like Derek."

"They're afraid to get their hopes up," Callie acknowledged.

"Hoping is scary," Meredith admitted. She'd learned a long time ago not to hope for much in life. She'd learned not to expect anything from anyone. It was easier to have low expectations out of life, because then it didn't hurt as much when outcomes sucked. Derek wanted to protect himself from getting hurt. Meredith understood completely.

But, at the same time, it made her angry. He was so adamant about her recovery, but when it came to his own, he flaked. More often than not, physical injuries were easier to fix than mental ones. Broken bones could be mended, but there was no overnight treatment for PTSD. Why couldn't Derek realize how lucky he was? He should be counting his blessings, not throwing them all away.

He was so focused on her. And it dawned on her. They were one in the same. Both were focusing on each other in lieu of their individual problems, because it was easier. It was the reason people became so wrapped up in other people's drama. It was the reason people read tabloids. Focusing on someone else's problems was easier than focusing on one's own issues. Who really wanted to mind his or her own business? It was too painful, so it was much easier to focus on another person's problems.

It was the reason she'd lost herself in SVU, a reality outside of her own. That's all television was. Television was an escape. It was the reason she'd become so in tune with the fandom. The fandom had provided her another outlet: a second life.

She wanted an escape right now. No, she needed one.

Meredith was fighting tears when Brooks breathlessly barged into the patient room.

"I'm here, got your page. How can I help?" Brooks said breathlessly.

"Sorry, that was me. I needed Grey. I forgot she had your phone," responded Callie.

"Um, well, maybe I can help since I'm here. I could - I could irrigate that wound or…" Meredith's ringtone played.

"Are you going to get that?" Meredith said, assuming it was one of the Shepherd sisters.

Heather swiped the phone and put it up to her ear. "Hello, Dr. Grey's phone, Heather speaking. . .Oh, hey Lizzie. . .Yeah, I know, she just keeps getting cuter every day. . .Okay, I'll ask." Heather hung up.

"What'd she say?" Meredith ambushed Heather for answers.

"That Zola is the cutest niece ever, and she's wondering if you're visiting for Christmas because there should be snow."

Meredith rolled her eyes. What the hell did if whether or not she and Derek were visiting for Christmas have to do with Lizzie donating a nerve? Unless, Lizzie was considering it an exchange of some sorts. She would donate a nerve if they came out for Christmas. Derek's family always pestered them to visit for the holidays, but she and Derek were always working during the holidays. His sisters were all doctors, surely they understood. The holidays were always the busiest at the hospital, and they were always understaffed since everyone wanted off to be with their families. Meredith always volunteered to take extra shifts. Honestly, she hated Christmas. Though, this would be Zola's first Christmas with them, and Meredith knew she owed Zola a good Christmas.

This was the first year that she had a reason to take time off at the holidays. A legit reason. She and Derek usually celebrated Christmas and New Years by gifting each other the biggest surgery they could find. This year, they had more than just each other to get gifts for.

Truth be told, she had not even considered the fact that this Christmas was Zola's first Christmas.

It was Zola's first Christmas as their daughter.

They had to make it special. Meredith had no memories of Ellis ever being around at Christmastime. She remembered spending Christmas with her nannies. They never even had a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree! Christmas wasn't far away, and she had not thought about what kind of Christmas tree they would have. She had not had a Christmas tree since Izzie left. Derek always suggested they get a real one, like he had as a kid, but they never had time to actually go buy one. She'd considered buying a fake Christmas tree, like the ones she'd seen in the stores, but she'd never bothered.

The impending holidays were the last thing on her mind. She'd been so buried in all of the darkness surrounding them right now. Maybe the holidays were what they needed as a family. Maybe they could help her and Derek and Zola reconnect as a family.

Still, she hated the holidays. But, for Zola, she could put on a smile and suck it up. She had to, because Ellis never had before. Ellis had allowed herself to become consumed by the darkness. She'd used her work as her escape, which Meredith understood completely, but she could replicate what Ellis had done to her to her own child. She would not let Zola feel the neglect she'd felt as a child. She never wanted Zola to feel like she was not good enough.

"What about the nerve?" Callie asked the only question Meredith wanted to know, before her thoughts had gone off on a tangent caused by the mention of the holidays.

"Uh, she's getting back to me," replied Heather. Meredith's phone rang again. "Hi, again," Heather answered. "M-hm, I understand. It is a lot to ask." Another phone rang. It must be Heather's personal. "Hey, hang on…Heather Brooks…Hi, Kathleen. How did you get my cell phone number? … Yes, Liz, I have Kathleen on another line Please don't make me repeat all that to you." There was a beep. "Dr. Grey, it's Dr. Simpson's office. They want to confirm your ultrasound."

Meredith's heart dipped into the pit of her stomach. "Hang up, right now," Meredith ordered, met by Callie's inquisitive gaze. Crap, crap, crap, she thought. She didn't want to tell Callie. She didn't want to tell anyone. She could tell by Callie's expression that she wanted to know why an obstetrician was calling her. Though, Grey Sloan was big enough. Maybe she didn't know that Dr. Simpson was, in fact, an OB? Even so, Meredith's response certainly set up reg flags. Callie wasn't stupid.

Heather didn't say anything else.

"You should go," Meredith said. "Now."

Heather sighed loudly and did as instructed.


She had forgotten she was pregnant.

Who did that? What kind of mother forgot she was carrying life in her uterus?

But, somehow, she had. The busyness of the day's events had kept her mind removed from that terrifying detail. Her mind had drifted from herself, and instead had focused on everyone else around her. It felt good to be back at work. She enjoyed being back at the hospital and out of her house. The house was starting to get stuffy, and she'd been restless, whether she'd realized it or not.

And she didn't even miss the fandom, though she was still worried about Elena. Checking her direct messages was Meredith's first priority when she got her phone back. Her phone was still in Heather Brooks's possession. Damn it.

She was looking for Heather when she came across Derek. Derek was no longer wearing his scrubs and had changed into his street clothes.

"You heading home?" she asked.

He nodded. "I have a meeting at six tomorrow with Callie. She wants me to pick out an intern to scrub in on my surgery, so I was going to pick up Zola and head home to get some rest. You staying here tonight?"

His eyes glistened, causing her heart to throb. She knew they needed to talk. She wanted to talk to him.

She shook her head. "Actually, I was just about to head home too."

His facial expression was neutral. "I'll grab Zola and meet you at the entrance?"

She nodded. Her heart rate had spiked when she looked into eyes and noted the somberness nestling in his irides. "Okay, I'll change now."

Where the hell was Heather Brooks? Meredith couldn't text her, since the intern had her phone. She'd checked the OR board and saw she had not bribed her way into a surgery. She wasn't in the intern locker room or outside by the dumpster, where Meredith had seen this year's class hanging out. Apparently the dumpster was their version of the tunnels.

Meredith was about to page Heather when she saw her standing at the front desk. Meredith saw two cell phones sitting side by side on the desk, one was hers.

"Oh, my God. Congratulations!" Heather squealed.

"No!" Meredith scowled. The intern was dumber than she'd thought, apparently. If she had any brains at all, she would not be saying 'congratulations.' Meredith sighed. "Did the doctor call back?"

"Yes, to conform your appointment for the eight-week ultrasound."

"So you know that?" Meredith asked. Apparently Heather couldn't do math.

"I do?" Heather said.

"Okay, let's be clear. You never heard anything. You know nothing, and you don't ever mention any of this to anyone, ever. Is there anything else you would like to say before we drop this subject for the rest of eternity?"

"Congratulations?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. Her throat burned as she battled bursting into tears. Fucking hormones. She could easily smack Heather right now. Instead, Meredith looked straight head. Derek was standing at the entrance with Zola in his arms. Zola was smiling. A weight lifted off Meredith's shoulder. Meredith snatched her phone off the counter and headed toward her family.


Derek did not speak to her on the ride home. They both talked to Zola, who was giggling like mad in the backseat, but they did not address each other. Meredith sensed the tension in the air.

At home, Derek said that he was tired and wasn't in the mood to cook, so he warmed up a frozen pizza, which the three of them shared. Meredith only ate one piece, since she had eaten a late lunch and was still full from the pasta.

Derek put Zola to bed, giving Meredith a moment alone for the first time all day. Meredith took the opportunity to log back into Twitter to see if Elena had messaged her.

It hook her phone a few minutes to sync back into the Twitter system, but sure enough, a blue number one appeared over the direct message icon within the Twitter app. She tapped it right away.

Elena had messaged her almost an hour ago.

Hi…sorry I disappeared. So…I told my dad.

He accused me of lying, that I just wanted attention.

I told him I wasn't, and I was stupid enough to tell him about SVU and the fandom.

I told him all about you, and how you had encouraged me to come forward. I hope you don't mind that…

But he told me that you weren't really who you say you are, that you're probably a pedophile taking advantage of me and I'm stupid to trust a stranger online.

He doesn't understand at all. He's never talked to people online because he thinks everyone is creepy.

He took away my phone and my computer. I'm sending these messages from the library…I told my dad I had homework to do. He'd kill me if he knew the truth.

I wanted to contact you to let you know what happened because I don't want you to worry about me.

It's not your fault that my dad's an idiot.

But basically I don't know when I'll be able to talk to you again. :(

Meredith's heart ruptured when she read the messages. How could a parent do that to their child? Then again, it sounded like something Ellis would do if Meredith were a teenager in today's generation.

She couldn't believe Elena's father. She wanted to call him right now and give him a piece of her mind.

A vicious rage boiled inside her, and she typed a response, even though she didn't know when Elena would read her message.

Elena, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I would love to speak to your father for you. Give him my number. It's 206-555-1352. You can call me any time.

She slammed her phone on the table next to the couch. Her stomach tied into knots. Meredith felt sick to her stomach. She slouched her back against the soft cushions.

One thing was for certain, she knew that she would never accuse her own daughter of lying. If her daughter told her she'd been raped, the first thing she would do is call the police.

She hoped that Zola would come to her before Elena had gone to her father, though. She hoped that Zola would know that she can come to her for anything, and she would be there.

Derek's footsteps brought her out of her thoughts. Meredith sat up straight and cocked her head in Derek's direction. Dark circles and wrinkles surrounded his eyelids. He looked exhausted.

"I think I'm going to turn in. I have to be up early tomorrow…"

"Derek, wait," she said. "Can't we talk?"

"Meredith, I don't know what there is to talk about," he said gruffly.

"I think we have plenty to talk about," she said. "We have a lifetime's worth of conversations to talk about."

"If you can say, 'not now,' then so can I," Derek said. "It goes both ways, you know. You're not the sun. The world doesn't revolve around you."

She rolled her eyes. "Derek, where the hell is this coming from? I never said the world revolves around me!"

"Well, you seem to think it does. You seem to think that you get to decide when we talk. You seem to think that you can decide to call my sisters without my permission. Wait, no, you didn't even have the guts to call them yourself. That's why you had Brooks do it…"

"Derek, you're being ridiculous," she said, though she knew he had a point.

"No, Meredith. You are being ridiculous. You act like Hell has frozen over whenever someone asks you how you're doing, but when it comes to someone else's wellbeing, you don't ask how they're doing or what they want. You just make assumptions and go with it."

"Derek, you know that's not true! You can't even compare what I'm going through to what you're going through. I can't be fixed! You can! Damn it, Derek, why don't you use your freaking brain?! Don't tell me you lost your brain with your hand. Do I need to be calling up neurosurgeons, too? Isn't one of your sisters also a neurosurgeon?"

Derek scowled. "Meredith, I need you to mind your own business for once in your life! You didn't like it when I meddled between you and Lexie, so I would think you would have a little sympathy here." he spat.

She froze. "Sympathy?" she whispered, realizing her voice was barely audible. How dare he bring Lexie into this. Her fingers throbbed as blood pulsated through her veins. Her voice amplified as she said, "Lexie is dead, Derek. My sister is dead. Yours are not, and they can help you. Don't think for a second that I wouldn't have done anything to save Lexie if I could have had the chance. I would have given her my heart, for God's sake. Your sisters are alive, and they can help you."

"My sisters, my decision. Not yours," he uttered slowly. He stormed toward the bedroom, and she chased after him, prepared to fire back at him when she saw him grabbing his pillow off the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked, but she already knew the answer to that question.

He exited the bedroom without a response.


When Zola's cries woke Meredith at five a.m., Derek was gone. He had left his pillow and blanket on the couch, though. Before going to Zola's room, she snatched Derek's pillow and returned it to their bedroom. She dug her nose into the pillow, breathing in her husband's scent, before laying the pillow next to hers. Zola's cries continued roaring through the baby monitor.

Worry overwhelmed Meredith. She hated the feeling in the pit of her gut that something was about to go terribly wrong. Derek was upset at her when he left the house. She hated when either of them left the house angry at the other. It was the most gut-wrenching feeling. She'd had her share of nightmares involving Derek getting into a car crash and dying on the table before she got to the hospital. The thought of him dying was awful. It was the worst thing that could ever happen, but the thought of him dying angry at her was even more mortifying.

Zola stopped crying as soon as Meredith entered the toddler's bedroom. Meredith held Zola in one hand, and her phone in the other. When she first unlocked her iPhone, her thumb automatically went to her Twitter DMs to see if Elena had responded. Meredith was not surprised when she saw had not. Given what her last messages had entailed, Meredith did not expect to hear from her for a long time. She partially wondered if she would ever hear from her again.

She hoped she would one day.

Meredith called Derek, but she only received his voicemail. Her heart sank deep within her chest. She studied her daughter. Zola's cumbersome brown eyes indicated that she knew something wasn't right. It was amazing how quickly children picked up on their surroundings.

"Dada?" Zola asked. She was close enough to the phone to hear Derek's voicemail message. "You've reached Derek Shepherd..." Meredith listened to the message in full until the beep, but she hung up without leaving a message.

"Daddy's at work, Zozo," Meredith told the toddler, remembering that Derek had mentioned having an early meeting with Callie and the interns to select one of the interns to scrub in on his surgery.

From what she had seen, all of the idiots were morons. She didn't want any of them scrubbing in on her husband's surgery.

Maybe Derek was right. She was presumptuous and often jumped to conclusions too quickly. Maybe the interns weren't idiots. They were students, just like she had once been. Meredith had made her fair share of mistakes her intern year. She'd allowed Izzie to cut Denny's LVAD wire. Meredith was far from the perfect intern.

Maybe she should give Heather another chance. She had done Meredith's dirty work for her. Now they just had to wait and see. Meredith was confident one of the sisters would show up in Seattle within the next couple days, and Derek would be forced to accept her nerve. Meredith hoped it wasn't Lizzie, though. She was obsessed with Zola. When they had adopted Zola, she had been the first sister to demand she and Derek send photos, and she'd made a big deal about the fact she was the only black person in their family. Meredith thought she was overbearing and wasn't sure if she could even pretend to be nice to her.

She didn't think she had to worry about Nancy showing up, since Heather said she'd hung up. Amy was the druggie, so Meredith wasn't sure if she was even eligible to donate. Probably not.

That left Kathleen.

Please let it be Kathleen, Meredith thought.

But what if Kathleen couldn't make it for whatever reason? Then Derek was out of luck.

At least she'd tried, but sometimes trying wasn't good enough.

Meredith decided she needed to go back to the hospital. She wanted to make things right with Derek, may re-explain her position to her of why she did what she did and apologize for going behind his back, but time was of the essence. Surely he knew that.

The daycare fed the kids breakfast if they were there before seven a.m., so she didn't have to worry about making breakfast. Meredith wasn't hungry, either. She felt nauseous, though it didn't feel like pregnancy-related nausea. The fact that she was pregnant was so removed from her mind, she didn't associate this feeling of sickness with it. It was an apprehensive kind of sickness. She was concerned about Derek.

She dropped Zola off at daycare and changed into her scrubs. She found Derek standing by the front desk looking over a chart.

Derek turned away from her almost immediately when he saw her coming his direction.

"Stop that," she said.

"Meredith, I don't want to fight with you," he said abruptly.

"Good, because I don't want to fight, either," she said.

"I don't think we can talk without fighting right now," he said under his breath.

She moved closer to him and whispered, "Derek, you know why I did what I did. We don't have a lot of time here, and — "

"This happened before. This is just like when you messed with my trial. You're incapable of thinking about how your actions affect other people," he said.

"I can't believe you!" she hissed. "I'm thinking of you, that's why I had the intern call your sisters. It has nothing to do with me. This isn't about me at all."

"We're not talking about this anymore. We've had this happen before," he muttered.

Had what happen before? Last time she checked, she'd never contacted his sisters without his permission, through a third party or not. If she could have it her way, she would live on another planet and never have to associate with his family. Derek wasn't making any sense. She couldn't believe he was comparing her meddling with his sisters to get him help to her altering the trial. Moreover, she was livid that he'd even thought to bring up the trial. They'd moved past that.

Or so she'd thought. Apparently she was wrong.

She sighed. "It has nothing to do with…"

Derek's head jerked up, and Meredith followed his eyes. "Hey, you," he snapped, waving Heather Brooks over. "Did you or did you not shut things down with my sisters?"

"Don't bring Brooks into this," Meredith said. This was about their issues now, which did not concern Brooks. Meredith knew that their conflict went far deeper than her having Brooks contact his sisters to donate a nerve to him.

"You brought Brooks into this!" Derek sniped, which Meredith would admit was true.

"They are your family, and they want to help you," Meredith said, hoping she spoke the truth. She turned to Brooks and smiled, "Right?"

"Oh, you're asking me," Heather said, widening her eyes. "Um, they seemed willing to help."

"Of course they want to help me! I practically raised them, but if my sisters find out that I need help … Look, who did you call so I can call and shut this thing own?"

But if my sisters find out that I need help…? Was this about Derek's ego? Was it his pride? The puzzle was finally coming together. Meredith realized why Derek didn't want to ask his family for help. He was afraid it would make him look weak. It was the same reason he had not called them when he was shot or when the plane crashed. He didn't want them to think he was anything less than God.

"Don't tell him that," she told Brooks in a stern voice.

"Don't tell her not to tell me," Derek said.

Brooks scowled, visibly pissed off. "All right, enough!" she snapped. She pointed at Derek. "You know that live nerves are better than dead ones. Even I know that, and I'm an intern." Go Brooks, Meredith thought, then her heart jolted when Heather pointed to her. "And you! You put me in a really awkward position today. You just threw me to the wolves." She widened her eyes, looking back at Derek. "Not that I'm comparing your sisters to wolves. But oh, my God. They're out for blood. They are furious with you that you didn't call them yourself. And they told me some things. Okay? Unkind things. And now I know stories about you." She glared at Meredith. "And you, too." What stories? Years had passed since she had worked alongside Derek's ex-wife, but she believed that Addison was friends with Nancy and Amy, so Meredith was sure that Addison had relayed her share of gossip to the Shepherds. It was probably because of Addison that they all hated her. Brooks continued, "I don't want to be in on your secrets or your fights. It makes me really, really, really uncomfortable."

A lengthy, brown-haired woman appeared steps behind Brooks. Meredith recognized her face from the Christmas cards Derek had refused to let her throw away. "Let me guess, your parents had a messy divorce and always put you in the middle. Am I right?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Lucky guess," Lizzie said, extending her hand to shake Heather's. "Lizzie. One of the wolves." Lizzie's eyes directed toward Derek and Meredith. "Good to see you, Mer. I hope you got some baby pictures handy because I did not take the red-eye just so my brother could hack nerves into hamburger meat."

Let the fun begin, thought Meredith.

"There don't have to be harps playing or birds singing or rose petals falling from the sky. And there are definitely days when the romance is dead. But if you look around… things are pretty amazing. So stop for a second. Enjoy the beauty. Feel the magic. Drink it in. 'Cause it won't last forever. Things will happen. People will change. Love will die. But maybe not today."


A/N: Lizzie will be sticking around for a little while, because I'd like to believe Meredith and Derek wouldn't just chop her nerves into hamburger meat and then ship her back to Ohio or wherever she comes from. I think it'll be fun to explore the Lizzie/Meredith dynamic that we saw a quick glimpse of on the show. I'll continue to follow the show's timeline with 9x9, which is the episode Meredith had her first ultrasound, but it won't be a play-by-play like I did with 9x7 and 9x8. Unlike Shonda, I only include scenes relevant to plot development in my stories. Meredith's first ultrasound will actually be different than how it was on the show. Next chapter, I would like to show what happens between 9x8 and 9x9, and then the following chapter will be the ultrasound.