"Haters are my motivators." – Ellen DeGeneres
As the weeks blur by Jesse is no closer to identifying who it was that attacked her than she was on the day it happened. Perhaps it was wrong on Peeta's part to let her go to sleep so soon but we both agree that it is probably better for her to not know who her attacker was so she isn't always fretting about it. From what we can tell, she hasn't had any nightmares about it which is unusual. I mean, she's our daughter for Pete's sake.
Since the attack though, she has been slightly more removed. More distant. Less vibrant and more held back. We were scared at first that she was more traumatized than she was letting on but we soon figured out that she was just being more careful and that she was scared. It would pass soon.
But it's still going on. Marcus – who is still around thanks to Peeta finally caving and agreeing that it's best for him to be with her – sticks by her side in school and secretly meets with Peeta and me. It's the same thing every time though: she is applying herself completely to school but she's pushing away her friends. What once was a girl with Peeta's strong charisma is now a girl with my repellence. As the cold of winter settles in, I decide that it is time for me to say something to her.
I take her out hunting with me in the woods and even though I have my bow and arrows with me I know I won't be doing any actual hunting. As we trudge through the thick underbrush I say, "So your brother told me about him being recognized in school yesterday for his exceptional grades and that he was offered a scholarship to a math school in Spain."
"Yeah. It's cool I guess." She comments vaguely.
I look over at her. "Really? Because I remember a time when you made fun of people like that."
"People change." She mumbles, not saying anything else.
Something flares up in me and I can't take it anymore. "Jesse, what's bothering you?"
"Well, I mean, when it was announced people were laughing at him." She says but I quickly cut her off.
"Jesse, you're obviously smart enough to know that I'm not asking about that. I mean, what has been bothering you since your attack?" I ask.
She's quiet for a while. She eventually confesses, "I feel so vulnerable. Not just when I'm alone but all the time. If it weren't for Marcus, I wouldn't be alive right now. So not only do I feel like I'm a wimp but I also owe Marcus for saving me and I feel like I'll never be able to repay him."
I sigh, absorbing her words. "I understand you feeling like you owe Marcus but you really don't. You being alive is good enough for him."
"Really?" she asks, genuinely surprised.
"Have you noticed the way Peeta looks at me?" I ask. She nods. "Well he looks at you the same way. I practically begged your father to let you keep him around."
"Wow." She breathes. "But…that doesn't make me feel any safer."
I swallow hard, understanding exactly how she feels but not knowing how to address it. "Well what do you think we should do about it?"
She suddenly turns and faces me, jaw set with determination, eyes hard. She says something I never could have expected. "I'm going to join the army."
I'm taken aback by her words and even more confused. "Excuse me?"
"Don't be mad, but before the attack I was sneaking out of the house every night to go to this secret fight club that Marcus's brother runs in the woods. That's how I was able to at least get away from whoever it was that attacked me. Mom, I like fighting." She says strongly.
I gaze into my daughter's eyes, thinking back to all those times she came crying to me because Tyler messed up one of her dolls, or when she begged for a pink tutu for Christmas one year. "Jesse…" I say, but I still have no idea how to finish that sentence.
"Are you upset?" she asks nervously.
I shake my head. "I don't know. I mean, I am so proud of you for making this decision…but this is a big deal." She gives me a questioning stare. "Honey, your father and I still have scars from the wars we fought. You know what happened to him. Alright, if you think he's a nice guy now you should've known him before he was even a tribute. And wars are dangerous." I state firmly.
"So you're scared?" she asks, giving me a half-smile.
"No, I…okay yeah I'm scared." I admit.
She's quiet for a while before asking, "So are you gonna let me do it?"
I look her up and down and see not the little girl that wore pink everyday and the teenager that snuck out of the house to go to parties but a young woman who has been preparing herself for war. The changes she's been making since the attack aren't because she's hurt; she now knows what she wants to do in her life and she knows that if she really wants to do it she'll have to make some changes. And so she has.
"Yes." I agree.
I don't say anything to Peeta about Jesse until later that night when I meet him in the bakery. He sits on a stool, working meticulously over a cake. His hand is steady as he makes the frosted flowers to sit on the edges. "What's this one for?" I ask him, not saying hi when I walk in.
He doesn't look up, already knowing it's me. "Luna's birthday party. Has Jesse gotten a present for her yet?" he asks.
"Luna is Tyler's friend Peeta." I remind him, walking around the large wooden table and settling on a stool next to him.
He nods. "Right. I knew that." He says, winking at me but keeping his attention glued to the cake. "Has he gotten a present for her yet?"
"Peeta, you were supposed to give him money today when he was here with you." I groan.
He looks at me with wide eyes and sets down the flower he is working on, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry. We got to talking and I guess I forgot."
"It's fine." I shrug. Then I notice the expression on his face. "What's wrong? Is it something you two talked about?"
He nods hesitantly. "Yeah. I know he told you about his scholarship, right?" I nod affirmatively. "Well…he really wants to go."
I sit and deliberate over that for a while. "Well, when we decided to have kids we both promised that we'd do everything to help them lead successful lives."
"So we let him go?" he asks, looking at me with fearful eyes.
I put my arm around his shoulders. "We both knew this day would come." I tell him.
"Now we just need to figure out what to do with Jesse. With her grades she'll never make it into a university and she hates working here. Maybe we can ship her off to the Capitol and she can be a designer." He suggests sarcastically.
I roll my eyes and snort. "Ha-ha. As tempting as that is," I reply with just as much sarcasm, "she told me what she wants to do."
He senses my hesitation and smiles. "Are you going to tell me?"
"She wants to join the army."
He sits and studies my face for a while before saying the same thing I had said before, "Excuse me?" I don't react. "Absolutely not!" he exclaims.
"Peeta, she's already decided. The way she's been acting lately has been her preparing herself for it." I tell him. I see anger clouding over his face and I quickly move the cake to avoid him pounding his fist into it. He takes a knife and throws it at the far wall. It sinks into it to the hilt.
"She can't be in the army!" he exclaims. "She wouldn't even make it through boot camp." He sputters out.
I sigh. "She would actually. She told me when we were hunting and I tested her. She has the same talent with a bow and arrows that I did back when I was her age."
"That's great and all but you can't win a war with a bow and some arrows." He says, pacing around the table.
I clear my throat. "You can actually." I remind him. "And let me put it this way, if she were reaped, she would stand a very good chance of winning. The Careers would probably beg her to be with them."
He relaxes and looks at me. "She'd say no."
I nod in agreement. "She would. But them offering would be quite something." He sits back down on his stool and buries his face in his hands. I place my hand in the crook of his elbow. "Peeta." I whisper. "She'll be okay. She can handle herself."
He exhales slowly before saying, "Both of them gone."
"I know." I say, not taking my eyes off of his face.
"I have my reasons for not letting either of them go, you know." He pauses. "But at the same time, I know it's for the best and I know that I'll always have you." He says before looking over at me and cupping my face in his hands.
"Always." I whisper as he gives me a long, passionate kiss.
That's it for now. The good news is that I have the next couple chapters typed up so the next couple updates should be snappy as well. Please review!
~PennStateGRL4eva~
