Chapter 29
Keith stepped out of the bathroom with his mask firmly back in place. Instead of Skizzy and Tiny waiting for him, he found only Reuben; and Reuben didn't exactly look happy. Keith tried to side step what he knew was coming.
"We're going to be late for the sound check. Let's shake a leg here. Where are Skiz and Tiny?" Keith figured if he didn't give Reuben a chance to talk, he'd avoid the subject altogether.
"I asked them to give us a second." Reuben glanced around the hallway and grabbed Keith's arm to drag him into an empty conference room. What he had to say he'd rather not be overheard. As soon as the door closed behind him, he started to talk. "Keith, that was highly unprofessional. And, very unlike you. What's going on?"
"Reuben, I don't know what you're talking…" Keith glanced at Reuben and stopped trying to deny it. He sighed heavily and turned away, walking toward the windows. He glanced down at the crowd of fans waiting for him to leave. Great, he was about as down as he could get and he still had to run a gauntlet on the way out. It didn't look like the local police had had much of an effect on crowd control.
"Care to try that one again?" Reuben hoped Keith gave in to the urge to share his burdens.
"Look, the question was totally intrusive. I have every right to be angry." Keith shot back without turning around.
"I didn't say you didn't have a right to your anger. But I would prefer that you keep it under control so that is doesn't hurt your fans. They were the ones you walked out on, not the insensitive interviewer." Reuben reminded him.
"You think I don't know that?" Keith leaned his forehead against the window and felt the heat of the sun warm his skin.
Reuben stood there silently waiting for Keith to continue. He knew that Keith normally was very careful about what he said and how he said it. He'd been burned before and, under normal circumstances, he always put his fans first. How would they react to his interview? It was something he thought about often. That didn't mean that he was always able to stop himself from making a mistake; from saying something that someone would misinterpret. However, this had been the first time he'd walked out on an interview.
Reuben watched Keith's left hand tighten into a fist as if Keith was struggling to hold onto his temper even now. Though by looking at his face when he'd exited the restroom, you'd have thought he was no longer angry. It made Reuben realize that Keith had grown much better at hiding his feelings than he'd been five years ago when he'd first met him. Then, everything had been written on his face for anyone to read. He guessed it had to do with how much time he spent in the public eye. It would harden anyone; especially someone who had entered the entertainment world at such a young age. He was often surprised that Keith wasn't even more cynical than he presently was.
Reuben had fully expected to wait out Keith's reticence to talk. He'd offered a sympathetic ear in the past and Keith had always taken him up on it; eventually. Reuben found himself shifting his weight and checking his watch. They really were running quite late now.
Keith, noticing Reuben's glance at his watch, decided to change the subject. "So, how far behind are we?"
"Behind. Come on Keith, talk to me." Reuben urged softly.
"There's nothing to talk about. You told me how disappointed you were in my actions and I heard you. Lecture time is over." Keith pushed his emotions down one more time before turning back to Reuben with a calm look on his face.
"It wasn't a lecture." Reuben tried to make Keith understand where he was coming from. It was a place of love, a place of family, not censure. He wasn't angry with Keith, he was worried.
"You call it what you want and I'll call it what it was. Can we go now?" Keith wasn't giving an inch.
It was Reuben's turn to sigh in frustration. "Yeah, sure, let's go."
He followed Keith out of the room, shaking his head in resignation at the feeling that he'd missed a golden opportunity to make Keith open up. He just hoped he hadn't pushed him further away.
xoxo
The shows in Italy were going well; better than anyone could have hoped for considering that it was becoming apparent to everyone that Keith was not sleeping well. Dina, Laurie, Gordy, Angie and Skizzy had been discussing it as concerned friends and loved ones, but it was now obvious to the band and the rest of the entourage as well. He was becoming very run down. He smiled seldom; unless he was on stage.
It was on stage that he came alive again. It was like night and day. On stage, he had boundless energy and seemed to feed off the adoration thrown at him in waves. It was afterwards, when Skizzy threw the blanket around him to ward off the chills as his sweat dried on his exhausted body that the puppet strings seemed to just be cut. He'd drop down onto the floor of the car or wherever he was hiding to be smuggled out of the venue.
Skizzy would frown at the obvious struggle Keith would fight just to raise himself back to the seat once they were out of danger. He could only guess that if Keith weren't worried about what he and Tiny would think, that he'd just stay down there until he was forced to leave the vehicle. His energy was totally spent by the end of each show.
"You alright, Keith?" Skizzy asked as he watched Keith push himself off the floor of the car and snuggle into the blanket as a cool breeze ruffled his sweat dampened hair.
"Yeah, sure." Keith said quietly.
"That was a really great crowd, wasn't it?" Skizzy asked just to keep him talking.
Keith just grunted; his face turned away from everyone as he stared out the window.
"Thought that one girl was going to topple you off the stage." Tiny shared a frown with Skizzy when Keith didn't respond.
"Yeah, Partridge, you really need to stop turning your back on the crowd. She practically blindsided you." Skizzy gently chided hoping to get a denial of culpability from Keith. Nothing.
"You're just lucky she was a little bitty thing. Otherwise, you'd have taken a facer into the stage. I was already wrestling her friend off the stage or I'd have caught her before she got to you." Tiny remembered his own consternation when he realized that no one could protect Keith from the latest girl that made it on stage. Skizzy, too, had been busy keeping another girl away from Keith. The stage had been too low. They'd been handing girls off to the venue security as fast as they could. The girls had been persistent in their desire to touch Keith. Thankfully, they hadn't started rushing the stage until the encore.
"Stage was too low." Keith proved he'd been listening to their chatter by pointing out the obvious, but didn't respond to their teasing.
"Good thing we don't do another show at that particular venue." Skizzy agreed. He was heartened to know Keith had been listening, but disappointed that he wasn't sharing in their joking. He seemed so withdrawn lately. He rarely joked with the guys anymore. In fact, he rarely joined the group unless they were traveling, rehearsing or on stage. He'd become a loner in a crowd.
xoxo
"Just a second, Mrs. Partridge." Gordy said into the phone as he watched Laurie approach.
He was surprised to see her shake her head vehemently and whisper, "Tell her I'm not here."
Gordy frowned, but brought the phone back up to talk. "Oops, sorry, wrong brunette. It was Brandy. I'm not sure just exactly where Laurie is. I can tell her you called."
Laurie mouthed a grateful 'thank you' and waited for Gordy to hang up.
"No problem, Mrs. P. No, they're both doing great. Just real busy." Gordy glared at Laurie for making him lie to someone he respected greatly.
"Alright, take care. I'm sure she'll call you soon." He paused and then added. "I'll see what I can do about that one. He just never stops moving long enough to do anything but eat and sleep."
Laurie let out a breath when Gordy finally hung up the phone. "I'm really sorry about that. I just couldn't talk to her. Not…..well, not right now."
"Laurie, she's his mother, she has a right to know." Gordy pointed out.
"Then why didn't you tell her." Laurie threw back.
"Because….." Gordy paused to think of a good answer. Nothing came to him. "I just couldn't."
"See? That's my problem too." Laurie sighed. "If I tell her, I feel like I'm betraying Keith. If I don't tell her, I feel like I'm betrayer my own mother. I hate this."
"Laurie, has he talked to you at all?" Gordy figured that if Keith talked to anyone it would be either Laurie or Reuben. They were family. "Anything at all?"
"No. The few times I've even seen him alone, I would let him know I was there for him, but he just walked away. I feel so helpless." Laurie blinked back the tears that had started to form. She would not cry.
"We all do." Gordy agreed. "I guess the only thing we CAN do is to make sure he knows we're here for him. When he's ready, he'll talk."
"I hope you're right. It's just that, well, I know my brother. If he thinks someone else will worry about him, he'll keep everything to himself. He doesn't realize that shutting us out hurts us more than being let in." Laurie paused and then could feel the tension building inside her. She let a little of it out when she practically shouted. "He is so frustrating!"
"Must be talking about Keith." Dina said as she and Angie walked up.
"Right on the first guess." Gordy hugged Angie to his side.
"What's he done now?" Angie asked after giving Gordy a kiss.
"Nothing. And that's the problem." Laurie said with chagrin. "Whatever happened between him and Millie is tearing him up. He thinks he's hiding it so well, but we all see. Those of us who know him, know that he's repressing something."
"Thought you said you were pre-law, not a psychology major." Dina decided to defend Keith. "Whatever is bothering him – and I'm not denying that something is – he's been doing a pretty good job of dealing with it on his own. Give him some time and some space."
"Dina, you're the one who says he's not sleeping well. That when he does, he has nightmares." Laurie reminded her.
"I'm regretting telling you that." Dina knew Laurie's concern was based in love, but if she didn't back off, she risked pushing him away. "Just let him come to us – when he's ready."
"What if he's never ready?" Gordy asked quietly.
"Then he's never ready. You can't force someone to share every thought, every feeling with you just because you want them to. If he needs help, he'll ask for it. Until then, I suggest we all back off." Dina wasn't sure if she was right, but she knew that Keith was a very strong person and she trusted him to do the right thing. Whatever that might be.
"Alright. We'll back off." Gordy nodded to Dina and threw a look at Laurie waiting for her agreement.
"Fine." Laurie said quietly and then in a stronger voice, "But, I still have a right to worry. I'm his sister."
"Thank you." Dina smiled and walked away, her smile falling off her face as soon as she turned away.
xoxo
They were moving quickly from the building to the car. The mass of fans were being held back by a flimsy barrier and an overtaxed line of police. Reuben and Skizzy were leading the way with Keith close behind, waving, but not pausing. Tiny brought up the rear.
As he brought his hand to his mouth to blow one particularly vocal fan a kiss, his hand froze and he stopped moving suddenly. His eyes caught sight of a familiar face behind the boisterous fan. Their eyes locked. It was her. He was sure of it.
"Goddammit, Partridge." Tiny said as he almost barreled over Keith. He narrowly avoided hurting Keith by grabbing him by the shoulders and spinning them both in almost a complete circle.
"No!" Keith said as he lost sight of her. When he and Tiny came to a stop, he glanced back at the crowd and tried to locate her. Where was she?
"What's wrong?" Skizzy had stopped as soon as he heard Tiny's expletive.
Tiny just shrugged and watched Keith.
"Where'd she go?" Keith asked quietly, almost to himself as his eyes searched the crowd.
"What?" Tiny asked, the only one who had heard Keith. "Where's who?"
Tiny's mouth fell open in shock as Keith began to move toward the mass of fans. The screams grew louder as they noticed he was moving toward them. The frenzy level was reaching dangerous levels.
"Get him in the car! Now!" Reuben, who was already at the car, noticed Keith's change of direction and could smell disaster.
Tiny grabbed Keith's arm, but was surprised when Keith pulled away and kept moving toward the crowd. His surprise momentarily froze him allowing Keith's forward progress to go on unimpeded.
"Keith!" Skizzy yelled and ran to catch up to his friend before he reached the barriers that Skizzy could almost see bowing like a bad cartoon. He finally put himself between Keith and the crowd and physically turned him. "Are you nuts?"
"She was here." Keith said distractedly while still fighting to turn back to the crowd.
"Who was here?" Skizzy felt better when Tiny finally caught up to them and helped him keep Keith moving toward the car.
He never did get an answer.
When they finally got in the car, Keith all but collapsed on the seat and they all could see and feel his total withdrawal. His face was bleached of all color.
"Is he alright?" Reuben asked from his spot in the front seat.
Tiny and Skizzy just looked at Keith and then shrugged. They really weren't sure.
xoxo
No one had a chance to discuss what had happened at the last fan event. They went directly to the venue and Keith had quietly asked to be left alone for a while; 'to prepare for the show' had been his excuse.
Tiny and Skizzy simply agreed and positioned themselves outside of his dressing room door. If he didn't want to be disturbed, they'd make sure he got his wish.
They weren't sure what was wrong, but they'd seen how it had affected Keith and they had no desire to cause him to withdraw like he had in the car. When he'd asked them to leave him alone, they were the first words he'd spoken in about an hour. They were so glad to hear him talk that they hadn't pushed anything.
They were surprised when the door opened about 15 minutes before he was supposed to go on. "Can you get Gloria for me?"
"Yeah, sure. Be right back." Skizzy readily agreed. Keith was in his stage costume and appeared calm if not a bit quiet. His skin tone was back to normal, which gave Skizzy more comfort than he cared to admit. Keith's chalky appearance in the car had scared him more than he could have ever thought possible.
Gloria knocked lightly and went in when Keith called for her to enter. They didn't reappear until it was time to go on. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, unless you consider the fact that he wouldn't normally have talked to Gloria right before going on. Tiny and Skizzy shared another frown; they'd been doing that a lot lately.
The show progressed normally. Keith was in top form and the crowd was very into it. The band had recently left the stage and Keith had begun his set of acoustic songs. He finished 'Can't Go Home Again' and surprised everyone by standing up and moving to the piano.
Gloria was the only one who didn't seem surprised. She moved past his stunned band and grabbed her microphone from the stand moving toward Keith and the piano.
He sat down and turned to smile at Gloria as the audience began to realize that something unusual was about to take place. The buzz of excitement grew as Keith turned back to the audience.
"This next song is new. Please give a warm welcome to the lovely Mrs. Gloria Williams. She's going to give me a hand with this next one." Keith laid his fingers on the keys, took a deep breath and laid his soul bare to the audience who had no idea how personal this song truly was at this moment in time.
Looks like I'm breakin' down again
And it seems like I've lost my one and only friend,
Yes it does now
Oh friends are hard to find
Especially in this cold and lonely time
I guess, I'm breakin' down again.
I'm spending too much time at home
And this big old empty house makes me feel so all alone
Yes it does now
Oh, friends are hard to find
Especially on these cold and lonely nights
Looks like I'm breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down again
Breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down again
I'm breakin' down
Breakin' down again
(Breakin' Down again – by David Cassidy and Bill House)
Keith looked up at Gloria as the crowd cheered the song that was sung with so much feeling. He gave her a sad, almost bittersweet smile and then seemed to pull himself back to the present. He once again became the consummate performer.
He stood up, put his hand out to Gloria and pulled her toward the front of the stage.
"Wasn't she great?" Keith pushed all of the acclaim onto his singing partner.
Gloria took her bow and turned to leave so that Keith could continue with the acoustic set. From there, things proceeded like they normally would have. Well, that is if you could forgive the stunned silence of his band who had to literally pick their jaws up off the floor before joining him for the end of the set.
Laurie had the hardest time. She knew that they'd just been given a glimpse of Keith's inner psyche. She also knew that it was a new enough song that it was a clue to his current frame of mind. She was shaken, to say the least.
Reuben watched her and, having realized the same things she had, walked over while Keith finished up his solo portion. He put his arm around her and pulled in close to say what he didn't want anyone else hearing. "Pull yourself together. You can't go out there in your current state of mind."
"Oh, Reuben, how can I?" Laurie blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay.
"Because he needs you to." Reuben stated simply.
"You're right, of course." Laurie met Reuben's eyes before turning back to her brother who was acting as if nothing unusual had just taken place.
"Maybe this means he's ready to talk about things." Reuben stated hopefully.
"Maybe. Or, maybe it's just his way of telling us to back off." Laurie preferred Reuben's take, but knew hers was the more likely one.
"Either way, he needs a pianist who is totally in the here and now." Reuben squeezed her close for a few seconds. "You can do that, right?"
"I can. And, I will." Laurie threw back her shoulders. "I'd never let him down. He knows that."
Reuben let out a breath as Laurie headed back onto the stage in support of her brother. It had been touch and go for a few minutes there. Oh, he knew Keith was probably finishing the show on pure instinct alone, but at least he hadn't been blindsided by the lyrics that only he and Gloria had ever heard before.
No, he'd been prepared for the kick to the gut that his new song had delivered to those who knew him best. Laurie, well, Laurie had been totally blindsided.
To hear how close your brother was to breaking down in a song rather than from a personal conversation had been devastating. Had he not felt like he could come to them? Why had he shut them out?
Maybe the song wasn't a glimpse into Keith's mind in the here and now. Maybe he was simply singing about a time in his life from a few years back. Although, based on events of earlier in the day, Reuben wasn't banking on that one.
Could Keith hold it together? Or, like three years ago, would Reuben be canceling the rest of a concert tour?
xoxo
Dina was surprised to arrive back at the manor house to find that Keith had already gone to bed. He usually beat them back, but was either sequestered in the music room or waiting to party with his band. She found him sleeping soundly for once.
Knowing how much he needed his sleep, she quietly slipped in next to him and settled down close but didn't touch him so as not to wake him. She drifted off as she listened to him breathe, only to be woken from a sound sleep when Keith sat up in bed and almost groaned the word 'NO'. It had been the sudden movement that woke her, not the word, though she was quite certain she'd heard it correctly.
"Keith?" Dina sat up next to him and reached for him.
"Don't touch me." Keith jerked away from her touch.
"Keith, what's wrong?" Dina refrained from putting her hand on his shoulder, but just barely. He was breathing fast and she could sense his panic. She wanted, no needed, to offer him comfort.
"Dina?" He said quietly and with what appeared to be almost doubt.
"I'm here. I'm right here." Dina instinctively reached out to him even though he'd just told her not to.
"Oh, god." Keith said just before turning fully into her embrace.
"It's alright. Everything will be alright." Dina hugged him even tighter if that were possible. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
He didn't say anything; just held her tightly.
"I love you." Dina whispered in his ear and turned to press soft comforting kisses on his temple and then moved down to his cheek.
As she absorbed the fear rolling off of him in waves, he turned his head and kissed her passionately.
He lost himself in her love.
