October 2005

Luna stood at the entrance of the marquee tent that swallowed the length of her garden and smiled and nodded, greeting the surprising amount of visitors and accepting each one of their condolences herself. She was thankful for the ebb in what was a constant flow of people and Luna turned her focus to what was happening on the inside of the tent. The general crowd milled about, speaking to one another in hushed tones or eating and though Luna was unable to pick out any individual strand of conversation, she imagined they were inquiring after one another's children or careers, or repeating the oft said sentiment that it was terribly tragic what became of Xenophilius in the last years of his life.

Tragic, yes, Luna thought to herself, but she was so relieved at the same time. Luna felt unbelievable guilt at the very notion that she was glad for her father's death but could not deny the weight that had been lifted from her shoulders. Recognizing Xenophilius' condition came with the diagnosis that he would become progressively worse as the years went on and each time Luna visited her father, she found less and less of the man he used to be. So yes, Luna was relieved that he had died before he became a complete shell of his old self and that Luna could still remember the vibrant person he had once been. Luna was relieved that she had no children to shuffle back and forth between that grim hospice for the old and dying and that she did not have to draw lines between the grandfather they knew and the man who he actually was.

Luna was drawn out of her own thoughts at the sound of Rolf's voice from within the tent and watched as he struck up conversation with Dean and Ginny Thomas, introducing himself to the couple. Luna felt a new wave of guilt crash over her and for the first time in the past week, she stopped obsessing over her father and focused on Rolf. Her father's death had brought their extensive travels to an end and Luna felt the magic bubble that surrounded her and Rolf burst now that they were back to reality. Luna found it easy to become swept up in the whirlwind of her romance with Rolf as the two were camping in the depths of magical forests or sleeping under the vast expanse of stars in a desert… but now that she was home? Luna was faced with the very real possibility that she had no true attachment to Rolf other than he was an amazing man who cared for her deeply and was simply there for her when she needed to be distracted from the rest of her life. Luna cringed at how callous she had become.

For the past several months, Rolf told Luna daily that he was in love with her and in the last few weeks, he had begun speaking of marriage. Each declaration of his love made Luna either search for the easiest escape route away from him or had her throwing herself at him, hoping that sex would make him forget that she never once returned his sentiments, not even a little bit. And though the sex was great, Luna had long come to the realization that she would never love Rolf other than a friend who she slept with and she had mourned what could have been a lovely, lifelong friendship. But Luna ruined the possibility of that the first night she became physical with Rolf. Instead of sorting out her problems with Harry on her own time, Luna had chosen the path of least resistance and allowed distraction and denial to numb her pain. And now, here she was.

Each new mention of marriage, or moving in together, or living their lives together made Luna feel sick to her stomach and rather than initiate sex to stop the conversation, she simply began running away. Rolf never once held her accountable for her actions or accused her of avoiding him – that was simply his way and he was so good to her. Rolf allowed her the space that she needed and only when she was back and speaking to him again, would he tell her how much loved her and how he wanted to marry her once their book was published. Luna refused to analyze the reasoning behind why she was unable to reciprocate Rolf's feelings because she knew that would be a painful road to go down. She simply knew that she could not stomach the idea of serious attachment between the two of them.

The sound of voices coming up the trail to the marquee drew Luna out of her own mind and she glanced down the path to the new wave of visitors. Luna smiled warmly as Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley made their way to her and murmured a soft, "Thank you," as the pair offered their condolences. Luna's eyes dropped to Hermione's prominent belly and smiled happily at the two, offering her own congratulations sincerely, despite the grimness of the day. Ron pressed a kiss to Luna's cheek and Hermione rested her hand on Luna's arm briefly, before turning and walking into the tent. Luna watched the couple make their way through the assembly and wondered how much had actually changed since she had been away. Hermione and Ron were expecting their first child, Ginny married Dean Thomas, Neville was being considered for Headmaster of Hogwarts… Luna felt a bone deep sadness settle over her as she realized the weight of her decision to not maintain correspondence with anyone since she had been away.

Luna pulled her gaze away from Ron and Hermione and turned back towards the entrance of the tent and nearly jumped out of her skin. Harry was standing in front of her and she had no idea when he had come up the path or how long he had been standing there, watching her. At the sight of her jumping, Harry instantly reacted by reaching his hand out as if to steady her but before he made contact with her skin, he pulled back. Luna was at the same time both grateful for his maintained distance and dismayed that the two were now merely strangers to one another. As soon as the initial shock wore away, Luna was able to take in the man standing before her and Luna drew in a shuddering breath as she realized how good he looked. Harry looked healthy, the gauntness of his cheeks and the purpled circles under his eyes looked as though they had long disappeared. His face had color and a healthy fullness that Luna had not seen on him since their time at Hogwarts.

"You're not wearing glasses," Luna blurted out before she could stop herself. Harry smiled and Luna noticed that his shoulders relaxed, as though he were holding tension in his muscles and her inane observation gave him permission to be easy around her.

"I, er, yeah. No glasses… contacts. They're these Muggle things. Little bits of plastic that you put on your eyes and…" Harry trailed off, realizing how utterly stupid he sounded, rambling on about Muggles at Luna's father's memorial service. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and Luna was forced to take in his appearance again, noticing how well kept he now looked. Though she had always found him attractive, Harry now seemed to take more care in his appearance. His hair was newly cut and styled, and his suit seemed very finely made. Luna bit her bottom lip in an attempt to save herself from bursting forth with any more observations on his appearance.

For his part, Harry could barely stop his hands from shaking now that he was finally in front of her and all he wanted to do was wrap his arm around her waist and hold her close. He would bury his head down into the crook of her neck and breathe deeply, taking in the perfume of wildflowers and Luna that he had been dreaming of all these past months.

Despite the occasion, Luna looked beautiful. Her hair had taken on a golden hue rather than its normal blonde-white and her arms and chest were tanned. Luna was wearing a simple yellow dress, the exact shade of the petals of a sunflower, which hugged her form in a way that reminded Harry of how intimately he used to know her. She was absolutely beautiful and perfect, and Harry felt simultaneously devastated and elated. She watched him steadily with her big eyes and he had no idea what to say to her other than, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Luna let out a soft sigh, disappointed, and yet she had no idea what she expected or wanted to hear from Harry. She kept catching hints of his cologne each time the breeze traipsed by and being so close to him was making her dizzy. Motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention and Luna watched as Rolf began making his way towards the pair. Luna motioned to him that she was fine, that he didn't need to come over, and yet that seemed to spur his march towards her.

"Luna," he said, as he reached the two. Rolf spared one disgusted look towards Harry before turning his full attention towards her. "Are you okay? May I get you something to drink?"

Harry watched the way Rolf regarded Luna and began to realize that something more was going on between the two of them. Rolf no longer moved around her as a professional business associate or even the way a pair of friends of the opposite sex would interact. There was an intimacy in the way that Rolf watched her and though Harry had prepared himself for the very real possibility that the next time he saw Luna she would be involved with another person, Harry felt as though his heart had been wrenched from his chest. But Harry also felt a small tinge of pride when he realized that blinding anger hadn't taken over. He'd long come to terms with the fact that Luna deserved every happiness in life, even if he was not the person who made it possible.

Clearing his throat, Harry muttered a soft, "Excuse me," and moved away from the pair, searching the marquee for Ron. As soon as Harry was out of ear shot, Luna turned angrily to Rolf and glared at him. To his credit, Rolf had the good sense to take a step away from her.

"I was fine," Luna said through gritted teeth. "I know that you saw me motioning that you should stay back. What was that, Rolf?"

Rolf blinked down at Luna in obvious confusion and his cheek began to turn a light shade of pink. "I thought you wouldn't want to see him after what-"

"My God, Rolf. Let it go. That was over a year ago. He and I were bound to see one another at some point and what, did you think that he'd start pushing me around? We're at my father's funeral for Merlin's sake. You've done nothing but hover over me and I cannot take it anymore. I need space. I can barely breathe with you around," Luna hissed. Rolf stared at her stunned and before she could begin to feel guilty for her outburst, she turned on her heel and made her way back to her house.

Luna burst through the door of her home and slammed the entrance shut behind her, and began a mad dash through the various rooms of her house. She began panicking under the weight of the death of her father, seeing Harry, and having Rolf constantly around her. Everything was suddenly too much. Luna stopped her pacing and found that she was in her father's old study, a room that she barely visited since her father had begun his steady decline.

The room was tiny and attached haphazardly to the side of the house, as if it was a sudden afterthought from Xenophilius when the house was nearly constructed. Three of the walls were lined completely with bookshelves, save for the break of the door. The fourth wall was a massive window that looked out over the expanse of the forest that surrounded her home on one side. Luna took in a deep, shuddering breath and relished the scent of the old books that her father loved the smell of damp soil that sustained the many potted plants that hung from the ceiling and window pane. Luna crossed the length of the small room and gazed out of the window, crossing her arms over her abdomen and willing the adrenaline pumping through her veins to slow. She had no idea where the sudden rage had come from – whether it was the built up anxiety over the months of Rolf's unwanted emotional advances or the stress over her father or… or the fact that she had seen Harry again and could not force herself to hate him.

The door opened behind her, and Luna heard steps crossing over the threshold. "Rolf, I told you that I needed space," Luna snapped, refusing to look at the unwanted intruder. The footsteps paused and Luna froze as Harry's voice filled the silent air.

"I'm not Rolf but I'll leave. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," he said softly. Luna heard something soft land on her father's desk. "I have… I have letters here for you. Read them or don't. It's up to you. But they were for you, they belong to you, and now that you're back… Well, I just felt as though you should have them." Luna heard Harry turn and leave the room, the door clicking softly into place. At once she spun around and looked to the desk. There had to be a bundle of at least two hundred letters bound in a neat, tight stack, each addressed to her by Harry's untidy scrawl. Luna sucked in a quick breath before ripping at the string that held the letters together and grabbed the first one on the pile, breaking the wax seal and sinking into the worn armchair that sat behind the desk.

The letter was dated only a few days ago and as Luna read Harry's words, her heart began to beat wildly.

Luna,

I found out today that you'll be back sometime this week. I am so sorry that your Dad died but I can't lie and say that I'm not ecstatic about the possibility of seeing you again. It has been so long since I've seen you that I sometimes think that what our time together was a dream and I've woken up and been living a nightmare. I don't blame you for not contacting me or wanting to speak to me. I deserve it all. But I miss you so damn much that it hurts to breathe sometimes. But now I may have the chance to run into you at a shop or at a restaurant and I'll be reminded that you are real.

Do you even want to see me? I have no idea. Hermione said that it probably is best if I stay away… no one had any idea of what you've been up to or how you've been feeling. I've already made up my mind that I will be coming to the memorial service. Of course if you ask me to stay away, I will. But your father was a good man despite what happened. He was always on the right side from the start and he was smart and… well, he was your father. If that doesn't speak for itself, I don't know what will.

I miss you, Luna. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated. I'm sorry that I was too much of a coward to not pursue you the way that you should be pursued. I'm sorry that I was an alcoholic and I let myself get out of control. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and I hate myself daily because of it. You were the best part of my life and I let you go. I know that nothing I say can make it right but I wish you could see what I've become. I've finally got my act together. I stopped drinking and I got a job. I'm an Auror now – finally! Can you believe it? I think that, if we were in another life or another time, you'd be proud of the man I've become.

Ron said I shouldn't bother giving you the letters. He said it isn't fair to you – especially if you've moved on. I'm still on the fence about it. I'll see how I feel the morning of the memorial service. Despite the circumstances, I can't wait to see you.

- Harry

Luna read the letter once more and sank back against her father's old leather chair. Harry had clearly not written the letter with the initial intention of it being read by anyone but Harry, let alone the intended recipient. Harry's writing was hurried, as if he had to get the words out of his brain and onto paper as quickly as possible. Ink blots stained the page at various points and there was smeared ink everywhere, as though he continued to write without waiting for the previous paragraph to dry. Luna dug to the bottom of the pile, to what she hoped was the first letter, and popped through the seal. Sure enough it was dated merely days after she had left for her trip with Rolf.

Luna stared at the pile of letters in disbelief. Harry had to have written her at least two times each week since she had been gone – the evidence of it was before her. Luna looked back to the crumpled, open letter in her hand and quickly reread the third paragraph again. A mixture of confusion and excitement and anger swirled around in her head and tummy with the butterflies that had taken flight in the pit of her gut, and Luna suddenly felt breathless. For so long, she refused to think about how she would feel if and when she came face to face with Harry. A large part of her assumed that she would easily slip into a hateful disregard for him and now she had no idea what to do with herself because she felt the exact opposite. Luna was obviously still in love with him – that much was abundantly clear – and for better or worse, she wanted to become acquainted with the man he had grown into over their separation.

Luna jumped to her feet and quickly crossed the room. As soon as her hands wrapped around the door knob, she was yanking it open and calling his name out, hoping that he hadn't returned to the garden. And Luna was once again stunned into silence because there he was, across from her and leaning against the hallway wall, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. He looked up at her curiously and pushed himself up and away from the wall. Luna dropped her hand from the door and swallowed.

"I… I read one of your letters," she said stupidly, suddenly completely aware of herself and nervous in a way that she had not been since the very first time at Hogwarts that she spent an amount of time alone with Harry. She stepped back into her father's study, indicating that he could come in and he did, shutting the door slowly behind him. Luna backed up so that her legs touched her father's desk and she sat against it, watching Harry as he looked around the room.

"I wasn't sure if I should give them to you… especially given you and Rolf," Harry said quietly. He stopped glancing around the room and brought his eyes to Luna, watching her for any sort of emotion or response. But if she felt any nervousness or unease at his close proximity, she did not betray it. As far as Harry could tell, Luna was the same calm and collected woman that he had known for years. "Anyway, I started writing to you a long time ago. The first ones are more like letters and the later ones are like… diary pages, I suppose," Harry admitted laughing. "Writing to you was like therapy," Harry said, shrugging. His laughter died as he began to study Luna's face and he swallowed. Harry took a hesitant step towards her and Luna stiffened slightly.

"Luna, I… Can I just be honest with you? I know that you and Rolf are probably together and I'm not saying this with any intention of changing your mind or trying to convince you away from him… I just… I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I am certain of that," Harry said, taking another step towards Luna. He was so close now that if she lifted her hand, she could touch the lapel of his suit jacket.

"I didn't deserve you back then and I certainly don't deserve you now. But I am becoming a better man because I am trying to be the sort of person who could deserve you. And I'm not even close but I am trying. You made me a better man because you loved me however briefly, and I will never get over that. I will never get over you. Nothing that I can say or do will ever change how I acted and every single day, I try to make up for hurting you… because you were the best part of me and I single handedly ruined everything. I am so sorry," Harry said, pausing to take in a breath.

"I'm not here to ask for your forgiveness because you don't owe me anything on that end. And I'm not here to ask for you back. In a way, I hope that you've moved on because it means that you're happy and that's all I want for you. But I also want you to know that you are it for me. I will never love another person the way that I love you. And if someday, even if it is a hundred years down the road, if you decide that you want me… I will be there, waiting for you." Harry stopped speaking and watched Luna for a moment. He offered her a small smile. "Thanks for listening to me… I just needed to get that out. You look beautiful. I don't know if I mentioned that to you," he said.

Luna stared at Harry, her heart hammering wildly in her chest. For a fleeting moment, Luna wished that there were some way that Harry's little speech could have been recorded because Luna was certain she would spend the next few months trying to remember every single word that he had just uttered to her. And as she was thinking that, she realized that Harry was turning to leave again. Luna reached out and grabbed at him, both of her hands clenching firmly around the lapels of his suit jacket and before she could fully consider her options, she was pulling him towards her.

Harry reached Luna's body and his hands automatically landed on her thighs, pushing her further back onto the desk she was sitting on. Harry felt her hands travel up his chest, across his shoulders, and wrap around the back of his neck as she brought her mouth to his and began to kiss him. And Harry felt a frenzy come over him. His hands greedily travelled the length of her legs and he gripped at her waist, while Luna's hands unlocked themselves from around him and began to tear at his clothing. Harry broke their kiss and stared at Luna, assessing her reaction.

"Luna," he whispered, hating himself for stopping but also desperate to know where she was at with all of this.

Luna stared up at Harry, momentarily stunned by how green his eyes were and wondered how she'd never realized how many different shades there were. But the sound of her name on his voice brought her back to the present. Luna had no idea what would come of this and dreaded the aftermath with Rolf… but at that very moment all she knew was that she needed to be with Harry. So, as her response, she moved her body closer to him, the skirt of her dress catching against the wooden desk and revealing more of her legs. Luna placed both of her hands on either side of Harry's face and pulled him back to her.