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*Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.
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Chapter 28: Coming Together
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Edward
Hot water rushes down my back. My eyes are fixed on the white shower wall, but my gaze is not set. I came in here to think, but my mind is clear of thought. When I got home, I walked straight past my parents, who were snuggled up in front of the TV. If they saw me, they didn't acknowledge it, and I didn't look back. When I got to my room, I locked the door behind me. I plugged in my phone, but I didn't turn it on, and then I stripped off my clothes as I walked to the bathroom, leaving them in a trail behind me.
Behind two locked doors and a shower curtain, I'm mindless but heavy. I brace my arm on the wall and lean my head on it as the water spray tries to relax the tension I carry. I do not soften my stance. I'm wound up too tight. My jaw is set and there's no relaxing it. Loosening up would mean unraveling.
Nothing feels right.
A melody takes over my mind. Pushing off the wall, I turn the shower off at the same time. The rings on the shower curtain screech as I slide it open. I put a towel around my waist, twisting it so it stays in place.
My hand is already forming notes before I get a pen to paper. Standing in front of my dresser, I write line after line as if this is a song that I've already memorized. I have a page of music written by the time I stop. After unhooking my towel, I let it drop to the floor and only put a pair of boxers on. I don't plan on leaving this room tonight. This focus is all I need. I pull my Casio out from under my bed and set it up.
Putting my headphones on, I tune out the rest of the world and mute the house from hearing every stroke I make on the keys, every dejected note I play. I tweak a couple of bars, but otherwise, it sounds exactly as it did in my mind. I turn the paper over to write more, create an ending. And when I have it, I play it over and over, looking for a flaw, determined that there has to be one, but I repeatedly come up with nothing.
A touch on my shoulder startles me from my trance. I twist in my seat to see Bella standing beside me wearing pajama pants and her hoodie zipped up to her neck.
I pull my headphones off and stand up. She's right in front of me, but I'm looking straight through her as if she's not even there, like I don't know her at all.
She's trembling as if she's afraid of me. "I'm sorry." Her voice breaks and her eyes fill with tears.
"For what?" I walk past her and sit on my bed, feeling my weight cause the mattress to dip.
Bella stays were she is, but turns toward me. "For giving the wrong impressions. For not considering how the things I do and say look to other people. For how it might have looked before with Jasper or how I didn't realize it looked with James." She wraps her hand around the end of the braid in her hair. "None of it's true, but if you're doubting me, then I've given you a reason to."
"I know it's not true." I bite my tongue, catching a taste bud and tasting blood. "Not yet, anyway. But the closer we get, the further you are, and then I have to listen to other people, who are closer to you, talking about you like that."
"That's not true. We're close." She moves toward me until her legs are touching mine, as if physical closeness changes distance.
"No, we're not. You're closed off. You don't trust me." My leg starts bouncing, brushing up against hers with every pass.
"Why do you think that?" She takes my face in her hands, making me look at her, her voice softening.
"You don't talk to me about anything that matters." I cover her hands with mine and pull them down to my lap.
"It's not my intention to be closed off. I just don't like to talk about things. It's a habit, and I want to break it. I think I need to." She sniffles as tears run down her cheeks. "You shouldn't have to think that I'm closer with Jasper. We're just friends. I don't really tell him anything."
"It's not so much the talking as it is the looks, the quiet understanding. I hate not knowing what's going on with you. Sometimes, I don't know where I fit in your life."
"Every part," she says. "You fit in every part."
"But not tonight, right?"
"Yes, tonight." She squeezes my hands. "You know my dad needed to talk to me. I wasn't trying to ditch you."
"But after?" I ask. "I can't be around Charlie now?"
She gasps. "I just didn't know how it was going to go. I texted you, asked you to come over. You didn't respond."
I glance at my phone, knowing it's been off for a while. "I only saw your "come over" text to Jasper. I didn't know you sent me one."
"I didn't text Jasper." She scrunches her nose, her eyes roaming the room as she thinks about it. "That was from when you were out of town."
My eyebrows rise, and her eyes widen.
"Alice wanted him to come over. And when he was there, the girls were telling me I should get a purity ring. I was already freaking out, thinking that you didn't want me. I asked Jasper if it was the impression I was giving. He wouldn't answer, so I threatened to call James because James said something about me being innocent at the party. I wasn't very nice about it."
"Like demanding," I offer, repeating what Jasper said about her.
"Yeah, I was kind of a brat. He told the girls that we do stuff, and then before he left he told me that if I wanted more with you, I should make a move." She traces the skin above my bare collarbone. "So I did," she says, averting her gaze and blushing. "Maybe that's why he thought I was into James, though. He was mad that I wanted to call him. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but Jasper did."
"Yeah." I close my eyes as her hands continue moving across my skin.
"But, why would James say that stuff about me and Jasper?"
I open my eyes, fighting the urge to just not talk about this anymore. "Because of the way he talks about you. Anyone would think there was something going on."
When her face twists in confusion, I say, "He thinks he can say whatever he wants. I'm over it. I'm not dealing with him anymore."
She lifts my hand, rubs her finger across my reddened knuckles. "Okay. I don't want to deal with him right now, either. I was really mad at him when I left. I didn't understand what was going on. I'm still not sure what he was thinking, but I can deal with that later." She brings my hand to her lips, and kisses my fingertips. "Are we okay?"
I hesitate, and she takes a step back, panic taking over her eyes.
I grab her hips and pull her back. "We'll be okay," I say because even if I never get her guard down, I won't stop trying.
She exhales heavily, nodding with her forehead leaning against mine. Another tear falls down her cheek, and I wipe the wet tracks off her face.
I pull the zipper down on her hoodie, and she shrugs it off, revealing the small tank top she's wearing underneath. "How did you get in here anyway?" I know I locked the door.
"Your mom told me how to pick the lock. There's a little tool above the guestroom door." She laughs as I fall backward, pulling her on top of me as I do.
"I'm getting a new lock."
"Hey," she says, pouting.
"I'll give you a key." I have no intention of ever keeping her out.
"Yeah?" Her teeth sink into her lower lip. She's holding back a smile, but her eyes are still sad. Mine probably look the same.
"Yeah," I whisper.
We lie in silence for a while. I feel her eyes as she studies my face and her fingers as she moves them behind my ears. It's bittersweet having her here in my arms, still not knowing if she'll always be just slightly out of reach.
"How did it go with your dad?" I ask.
"Good," she says, shifting so that she is beside me. "He's taking me to get on birth control." She laughs, disbelieving.
My jaw drops. I don't know what I was expecting them to talk about, but that never crossed my mind. "Great."
"I told him it's for the future and not right now, so it shouldn't be too weird with him." She draws a line down the center of my chest. "But it's for, you know, whenever."
"Is that right?"
"Uh huh," she says, not looking me in the eye.
We've done this before. She's antsy to do things that she's not ready for. "That probably won't be for a while."
Her hand pauses on my chest. "Why?"
"The last time…you couldn't get out of here fast enough. I don't want you to push yourself."
"Don't say that. I wasn't pushing myself." She lets out a heavy exhale. "I was frustrated because you didn't let me finish. You ran off."
My heart starts racing. I didn't mean to be selfish. I was feeling more than thinking, but I know I wouldn't have left her hanging. I rushed back to her as quick as I could. "I just had to clean up. I didn't think we were done. I would have touched you or whatever you let me do, but you were already dressed."
She hides her face in my neck and talks through giggles. "Thanks, but that's not what I meant."
"Then tell me."
She mumbles something into my shoulder.
I turn on my side, so she can't use my body as a muffler. "What?"
"You didn't let me finish. You stopped me and ran. I was frustrated, but I overreacted. It doesn't matter."
I still don't understand, and when I tell her, she groans.
She falls back on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. "I was going to try to…swallow, but you didn't let me try."
Now I'm the one swallowing, heavy and thick and digesting her words. "You were mad that I didn't let you swallow, not freaking out because we went too far?"
She nods, but doesn't look at me.
"You could have told me that."
"No, I couldn't. Never ever would I have told you that," she says, accentuating her words by shaking her head.
"Why? Don't you think that's something I should know? I thought I was being nice. How would I know that stopping you would make you mad?"
She nudges my shoulder. "Edward, stop."
"Stop what?" I haven't even moved.
"Smiling like that."
"I'm not."
"You're grinning." She chuckles. "This is so embarrassing."
"I'm sorry," I say, trying to keep both my voice and my face serious. It doesn't work. I look at her and laugh.
"Then stop," she says louder, poking me in the side.
"You're smiling too."
She reaches up and touches her lips. "Oh."
I kiss her then because it's been too long. "You're staying the night, right?"
"No, but you can come to my house now. Emmett should be home. He dropped me off, so you could take me home and stay."
As much as it feels like it would be a good idea, logically, I know it's not. "Maybe I should let that birth control talk settle before I come around."
"Yeah, probably." She runs her hands over my face as if she's memorizing it.
I close my eyes as her fingers move over my eyelids, brushing against my lashes. Her touch is more calming than scalding showers, than music even. But also because this is what it's like when she's not so damn confusing, this is what it's like when everything works. It's easy, like the end of a roller coaster, and all I can hope is that this is the end of the twists and not the beginning.
"Can I tell you something?" she asks, her fingers outlining my ear.
"Anything."
"There was more with my dad." She takes a deep breath. "He gave me a letter from my mom."
"Is that good or bad?"
"I don't know. I didn't read it."
"Are you going to?" I think I would burn it, but I'm not her. I don't know how she deals with all this. This is the first time she's really said anything about her mom.
"I should just get it over with, but I don't want to know what it says."
"If you need me when you read it, I'll be there," I offer.
"Thank you," she whispers.
And when she looks at me, I see the door opening—the pieces of her she never lets me see shining through. I wish it was a happier place hidden behind her indifferent façade, but life's unfair like that.
Her phone rings, breaking our gaze.
I get dressed while she talks to her dad.
"I have to go," she says.
"Yeah, I figured." I grab my keys. "Are you ready?"
"No," she says, walking toward me.
Her hands interlock behind my neck and pull my head down until our lips connect. She wiggles her body until she's fully against me, like she can't get close enough, but I doubt that she knows what she's doing to me. Her movements always seem so innocent, but maybe they're not.
I grip her hips. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"
"I wish I could," she says. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"
"I want to…next time, okay?"
She nods before bringing her lips back to mine.
We pass my parents, who are still in the living room, watching an infomercial—or pretending to. It's not the best choice of show if they want to act like they aren't waiting around for us.
"I'm taking Bella home," I call out when we get to the door.
My mom yells back, "Be careful."
"I will," I say, but I'm already shutting the door.
The drive is quiet save for a hum in the air from the radio turned down to just barely on. Bella's hands are squeezed together in her lap, and for the first time, I think I know what's bothering her. I may not understand it, but knowing means I'm included in that part of her life. Even if it means pushing my way in, I don't think I'll be able to stand around and be excluded again.
Her lips are tucked in her mouth, and it doesn't look like it's because she's holding in a smile.
I rub my thumb across the thin-set line of her lips. "No matter what, it's going to be okay."
She nods and speaks in a rush. "Can I have your email address?"
"My email address?"
She pushes her hands underneath her thighs. "Yeah, I don't have it."
"We're skipping the notes and going straight to emails, huh?"
"I already wrote the emails, but I'll write a note. Do you know how to fold them into shapes?"
"No." I smile at her blabbering. Why would I know that?
"Okay, I think Emmett knows. I'll ask him. But text me your email address."
"Okay," I say before I get out of the car and walk her to her door.
Charlie peeks out the window, and this feels like a first date. She pulls me out of view. She has a nervous smile, but it doesn't seem bad. It has me curious as to what she's up to with this email thing.
I lean down to kiss her, but she's faster, crashing her mouth against mine. She molds herself to me, always with the wiggling. She's forceful and pushing, maybe it's demanding, but I throw that word out of my mind when her tongue touches mine.
Her nose is cold, and even as she pulls away, the cold and the heat of her breath both linger on my face.
"Don't forget to text me," she says before one more kiss.
"Okay." I hold her hand as she backs away, holding it until she's far enough that I can't reach her anymore.
When she opens the door, she waves before she goes inside. When I get in my car, I catch her peeking at me through the window. Before I back out, I text her my email address and watch her receive it.
I'm exhausted by the time I get home—mentally drained and physically exerted.
My parents are in the kitchen, so I try to be quiet and sneak by.
My dad clears his throat. "Everything all right?"
"I think so. At least it is now."
I can tell my mom wants to ask questions, but I don't know what to tell her.
She steps forward. "Are you hungry?"
"I could eat." I pull out a stool and sit down.
For once, they don't pry. Nobody talks about the future, or questions me about anything. We just eat sandwiches and chips, as if we're having lunch at night.
Before I go to bed, I check my email, and there's not just one email from Bella, there's five.
Edward,
I started writing these about two years ago. Some I saved. Some I didn't. But I want you to have them now, so you know that you're the only person I've ever wanted to open up to.
Bella
I don't really know what to think. I lean back in bed and open up the next email.
Edward,
You're infuriating. Do you know that? I dug my nails into my palms so hard today that I still have imprints. Is teasing me your favorite thing to do? Do you sit around all day thinking of things to say to me? I hope you do because I spend all my time thinking of comebacks for the things you've said. I'm always a few days too late. Maybe if you repeated a flirty comment just once, I'd have a comeback. But now, all I can seem to do is glare at you, which I don't mind. I'd take any excuse to look at you.
Bella
I laugh out loud, wishing I knew back then the thoughts that were behind the glare.
I read the rest, the frustrated unfiltered workings of Bella's mind. Her emails are like a journal, but all of the entries are addressed to me. I'm amazed that she chose to share them with me, and even more so, that they even exist at all. Then I wonder if she would have ever been compelled to send me one of these if I had thought to give her my email address.
.
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The rest of the week is a bubble of me and Bella. Every time we're together, there is still desperation there. Bella's been clinging to me as if she's grasping onto something I plan to take away. She's at my side whenever possible and the emails come in several times a day. As they go on, they get harder to read. I didn't know how sad she was, the hurt that I was causing. Sometimes she worries about my reaction, but she sends them anyway. She says she deleted the worst ones right after she wrote them, so I'll never really know the depths of her pain, but I've learned a lot about where her mind has been these last few years.
All those times Jasper had to be there for her because I didn't know what she was going through were off the mark. He didn't see it, either. Maybe he doesn't understand her at all. His need to be able to help her through her mom issues overshadowed the help she really needed.
I see Jasper in the halls, and I don't ignore him. We nod, say how's it goin', but not as a question—at least not as one we answer. He keeps his distance throughout the day—from all of us really, all of us but Alice.
He's texted twice—once to talk and once to just hang out. I said no both times, but every day, I notice the space he goes in. He's a part of nearly every aspect of my life.
I grab a hacky sack off Emmett's dresser, drop it down to my shoe and kick it at him.
He misses like always, but he picks it up with his shoe and kicks it back. "Show off," he says when I catch it on my shoulder.
Bella and Rosalie are on the other side of the wall. They're getting Alice ready for her date with Jasper, which isn't really a date, but a study group thing. The way Alice is acting gives me a flare of excitement for Jasper. It's snuffed out though when I wonder if she realizes what she's getting herself into. I think Emmett texted him earlier, after he made Alice admit who she was going with and the blushing and stumbling through words that commenced.
If anyone is neutral in this situation, it's Emmett. He's not one to take sides. He's just supportive.
I kick the sack to Emmett, but when it comes toward his face, he catches it with his hands. "You suck," I say and then dodge it when Emmett chucks it at me.
He has a smile on his face that falls as soon as he realizes that he didn't hit me.
I know payback is eminent, so I back away slowly before taking off out the door and down the stairs. I jump off the last five and hear Emmett's heavier weight collide with the floor. I loop around the living room and run back up the stairs.
I'm about to run back to Emmett's room and lock the door behind me when Bella's door opens and Rosalie steps out. I move behind her and wrap my arm around her, resting my hand on her shoulder. Emmett won't touch me now.
She laughs. "Am I a hostage?"
"You might end up one, but right now you're a shield."
Emmett gets back up the stairs and comes to a quick stop.
"Are you done?" she asks him.
He nods quickly, but I hope he's not actually afraid. He's just humoring her.
I let her go and she spins around. "Hide behind me again, and my elbow will meet your ribs."
That's when I see the menacing glare in her eyes, and I'm nodding just as quickly as Emmett. She laughs, pats my cheek, and pulls Emmett down the stairs.
Alice steps out of the room, shaking her head at me.
Bella follows behind and asks, "Did you break anything?"
"No, I don't break things." I put my arm around her waist as we walk downstairs.
When Alice takes off, we order a pizza and put in a movie. Bella checks in with her dad and then she's settled in my side. Things around here are almost back to normal. Now that normal means that Bella sits next to me instead of across the room.
I'm not really into the movie. Emmett and Rosalie are so wrapped in each other that they wouldn't notice if I turned it off. Bella is staring at the screen, but her legs keep moving.
"What are you thinking?" I ask her.
She looks at me and her face is shy, not worried. "Should we sleep upstairs or downstairs?"
Her question is direct, but I think it's a different question—one that asks if we should sleep together or not.
I rub my lips across her cheek bone. "Wherever you want."
Rosalie squeals at something Emmett's done. I don't look. I don't want to see what's going on.
Bella chuckles. "Downstairs. I want to be far away from them."
She leans her head on my shoulder, and she feels relaxed. Now, I'm the one who's nervous. I know her dad took her to get that shot in her hip. There's an implication there when she talks about it, but I don't think sex is something she's ready for. It feels like we've just got started, and we don't need to rush, but Bella is always surprising me.
At some point, Rosalie and Emmett go upstairs. We have to turn the volume up to drown out the noises they make.
When the credits roll up the screen, Bella says, "I'm going to run up and change."
"Yeah, okay. Me too."
I put on basketball shorts and a new t-shirt. Walking into the den, things feel different. Worry creeps up my spine. I look around the room like I'm looking at it for the first time. The space is still the same; it just feels off somehow. Bella was onto something about me not staying over here when Charlie's home. Even though he knows I'm here, this feels like sneaking around.
I pull out the sofa bed and grab bedding from the closet in the hall.
Bella comes in the room wearing pajama pants and another one of her barely-there tank tops. The first thing I think is how easy it would be to pull the drawstring and take her pants off.
"Maybe your dad shouldn't let me stay over here anymore."
"Why? You're Emmett's friend, and he lets Rosalie stay. He can't say you can't be here. That's not fair." She closes the door, leaning her back against it as she does. "I think he trusts you more than the rest of us. If you weren't here, he'd probably hire a babysitter."
"Right." I scoff, but I know Charlie trusts me to watch out for her and Emmett. He's said so on several occasions.
"Don't you think if there was something to worry about, I'd already be worried about it?"
"Yeah, okay." I take her hand and guide her to the bed.
She leans over my body to turn off the lamp. When her arm drops and she starts moving back, I hold her where she's at. One of her legs moves in between mine and her body is half on top of me.
I tip her chin up and kiss her twice. Her heart beats against my side.
Her foot is against my leg as she inches her knee up. She moves it higher until she's brushing between my legs and gasping at what she finds there. Her leg moves back down, but then it slowly moves back up again.
I rub the back of her neck and keep kissing her. Her leg keeps moving in its subtle, but not enough, motion. I don't stop her though because I want this to be at her pace always.
I get dizzy when she gets bolder with her movements, or maybe that's because I'm holding my breath.
She grazes her teeth along my jaw. "Let's not sleep tonight."
"Never."
We trade positions so that she's lying on her back, and I'm leaning over her. I tug my shirt off and push hers up.
"Why are you wearing this?" I ask when my hands brush her bra. It's just an obstacle, and she has to hate it. "You shouldn't sleep in this. It's too tight."
"Sorry," she says through a giggle. "I forgot." She reaches behind her and undoes the clasp. She shifts a bit, but she manages to get it off without taking her top off.
I hear her bra fall to the floor. I run my hands up her stomach, gliding across her smooth skin. Her lips are on mine as my fingers come in contact with the underside of her breasts.
Her hand sneaks down and nudges the front of my shorts in a quick motion, as if it were an accident, but then she does it again just as fast. I have to fight not to laugh and tell her that it's still there and how turned on I am by her.
My hands make their own descent down to the drawstring around her waist. I take the string and twirl it around my finger, pulling it as I do. I'm about to ask if it's okay, but when I open my mouth, she's already lifting her hips and pushing her pants off.
I skim across the top of her underwear and feel the thin straps on the sides. She tangles her fingers through my hair. If she's nervous, there's not a single sign.
I slide my hand under the waistband and work it down. My fingers meet her warmth for the first time. I'm really careful because I'm worried maybe the slightest pressure could hurt her. I move lower and it's easy to find where she opens, but I have to apply the pressure I don't want to use to press inside her, so I kiss her as I do.
"Tell me what to do," I say.
"Oh." Her breath is hot against my mouth. "I don't really know. I mean I do, but I'm not very good at it."
"Okay." I slide my finger all the way in and almost out. My hips shift, seeking friction. I can almost imagine what it would feel like to really be inside of her.
She keeps kissing me, but after a while, I'm not so sure that she is into what we're doing. I hate feeling like I'm doing it wrong, but I don't know what else to do. I pull my hand out, but keep kissing her.
She doesn't say anything. Her kisses get more demanding until she's pulling me over top of her. I'm settled between her legs, trying to keep my weight off of her. She hooks her legs around mine and wraps her arms around my neck. My arms give just enough for our hips to connect.
I try to lift off of her, but she doesn't let me go.
"Do that again," she says.
I grind against her and her breath wavers, so I do it again and again. Every time, her breath catches. I'm probably going to make her hyperventilate, but I never want to stop hearing that sound.
Her hips start moving with mine, and somehow, I manage to get her shirt pushed all the way up, and I lean down in a way that I can get her nipple in my mouth.
Her hands are in my hair, grasping and pulling. We start moving in an incoherent motion. I feel her body arching and muffled moans come out of her mouth as she holds me tighter. Her movements stop and as I'm coming, through the euphoric sensation of pressure releasing, I hear her giggle.
"Is this what sex feels like?" she asks.
"I don't know. It's probably better."
She pulls me back down on her, kissing me, but it's beginning to feel uncomfortable.
"I have to change and clean up in the bathroom, okay?"
"Okay. Hurry." She kisses my cheek, and then shoves at my shoulder.
"I will. Don't fall asleep."
"I won't. We're not sleeping tonight." She sounds delirious, and I'm proud of that. I made her sound like that.
I'm quick to clean up and change, but when I get back to her, I know she won't be able to stay awake for long. I pull her body against me, holding her close until her breathing evens. She feels good like this. I would never want her to not be next to me. I know what it means. Maybe I would have said it sooner if I knew where her head was at. She wrote about love in her emails several times, so my apprehension is misguided. I know I'll say something just as soon as the moment arises.
I close my eyes and drift with her in my arms and I love you on the tip of my tongue.
Edward,
Now that I have a cell phone and you have the number, I keep it by me at all times. It's like if I don't, I might miss your call, and it would be an important one. Maybe I love you would fall from your lips, and I would repeat the words with mine.
Yeah, right!
Having this phone is hard. Sometimes it rings, but I'm disappointed every time.
Forever waiting,
Bella
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A/N:
Sorry for the wait. This chapter ended up being a long one. I hope it left off in a better place. The next chapter is coming together, but it will likely post after the holidays. Watch out for the teaser on Fictease. Happy Holidays, everyone!
I owe so much thanks to Teresa and dazzled eyes22 for pre-reading, and EdwardsMate4ever and GetDrunkOnVictory for betaing.
Boundaries Undefined was recently on The Lemonade Stand poll. Thanks to Sixdlb5 for the rec!
I've also posted two contest entries on my profile. One was for Mark Me and one for Age of Edward. Check them out if you're interested.
Thanks for reading! Reviews are insipiring. Leave me one?
