.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

.

She started with Wilson.

"That charity dinner in NY…?"

"No," Wilson said, firmly, before she could finish.

"No?" She queried, not quite sure she knew what he was saying 'no' to. And, hoping he wasn't saying no to what she was going to ask.

"I take it you haven't asked House yet?" Unfortunately, he was. She shook her head.

"He'll refuse. He doesn't let me even get close to the topic."

"Then he's not going to do it because I ask, Cuddy. Use your usual techniques." He waved his hands in her direction trying to emphasize his point, but chickening out from giving the full visual.

"What usual techniques?" She asked sweetly. It didn't look like she was going to have a good day, so she might as well share the discomfort.

"Bribe, bet, bust," he blurted out.

"He wouldn't do it if I offered bed," she said, sarcastically.

"Then you better fix what you broke," he said, unsympathetically.

"I don't think I can." A hint of defeat in her voice. She paced across his office.

"Can't or don't want to?" asked Wilson, refusing to be caring, not quite as much of a struggle as it might have been had he not thought her stubborn streak was partly to blame for the predicament she was in. He hated being in the middle.

"I want it back as it was," she conceded.

"If it's broken it's not going to fix itself or go back to how it was on its own."

"Fix it? Do you realise how big the cracks would be?" She paced back across the room.

"It was cracked before. Think positively, if you're careful perhaps you can put it back together better than it was before." She was miles from being convinced.

"What if I don't want to fix it?" She walked towards the door to the balcony and stood, staring sightlessly out of the window.

"Then fire him," he said, brutally, hoping to startle her out of her mental loop, paranoia, stubbornness or whatever it was that was stalling her. Probably a combination of all four, he thought, plus an added fifth dimension just to cause obfuscation.

"What if I don't want to fire him?" She spun round to look at him.

"Fix it," he repeated. He wondered how many times she'd had this argument in her head.

"I'll fire him." She strode back to his desk.

"Right, like you won't feel guilty about that at all," he said, exasperation creeping into his voice.

"He's trying to manipulate me." She put forward as a reason, when it would be lucky to pass as an excuse. Kettle, pot thought Wilson. However, he didn't think he'd ever seen her this agitated. Frustrated, irate, worried, annoyed, anxious, exasperated, angry -- yes. All together sometimes, but agitated? This was obviously some combination of House and personal he'd never seen in her before.

"Cuddy, you've sent him to a very dark place."

"I'm sure he'll lighten the place up with a hooker or two." She waved her hand dismissively.

"He is not faking this," he persisted. She looked annoyed and sceptical at the same time. "Are you sure whatever he said he meant and he wasn't just being an idiot?" he tried. She went back to pacing his office.

"He was a jerk," she said. Wilson looked astounded.

"He's always a jerk. You ignore jerk. You like jerky. You deal with jerk."

"He brought it to a whole new level." Back she went pacing the other way. Wilson was practically dizzy.

"Really?" he said, with the merest hint of scepticism in his voice.

"Yes. No." She stopped pacing and turned to look at Wilson. "He apologised. He even sounded sincere."

"I think I must be missing something," said Wilson, confused.

"He wants a relationship and it's inappropriate," she finally admitted.

"You thought this since…?" She gave him an evil look. He carried on giving her the inquisitive look.

"I now have Rachel."

"And…?" Back to pacing he noticed.

"House and kids..?" she said, as if that explained everything.

"What about them?" asked Wilson, slightly puzzled.

"He's hardly an appropriate role model." She looked at him as if he were an idiot.

"House relates to kids, he practically is one. They accept him where adults don't." Wilson was not buying her argument.

"I know, but children need love – House doesn't do love and affection or support."

"Doesn't he?" Wilson played devil's advocate.

"Are you telling me he does?" Cuddy countered, stopping her pacing to stare at him.

"I just wondered how you knew he didn't."

"He's miserable. He never opens up. He interacts with people through manipulation. He always thinks the worst case scenario."

"Doesn't mean he can't be supportive… or that he can't love."

"And the affection?"

"Two outta three ain't bad," he shrugged. "Better that than all words and no action." She looked disbelieving. "He hasn't helped you adapt to Rachel? Just made your life more miserable and difficult? Or, maybe, it's just this last month that he hasn't been supportive?" He poked in all the soft places. Cuddy looked a little uncertain but continued doggedly.

"Well, it just goes to prove…"

"Prove what?" Wilson interrupted. "That he's a miserable bastard when he's hurting? Or do you forget that House has feelings that he keeps at the bottom of a very deep, dark hole which, by the way, he's currently digging so deep he's in danger of hitting magma?"

"He's… toxic. That's bad enough for an adult but for a child?"

"He doesn't manipulate children. I don't think he even lies to them."

"He's jealous of Rachel."

"I don't think he is jealous of her specifically. He may be jealous of the attention you give her. Maybe hates that she interrupts any time he speaks with you, but…"

"He could behave like an adult," she interrupted.

"Are you sure he wasn't trying to do that when you cut him out of your life?" Wilson saw the guilt flash across her face.

"I didn't… He doesn't want the responsibility. He wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I don't want Rachel getting to know him and… like him, then have him let her down. It wouldn't be fair," she said. Wilson nodded as if agreeing.

"Then fire him." Cuddy looked shocked.

"That's not the advice I'd expect from you, Wilson."

"According to your definition he's an unreliable, dishonest, selfish, childish, manipulative, jealous jerk. Not the sort of person you want on staff let alone in your private life, therefore understandable that you don't want to fix your… estrangement. So, fire him. You'll feel guilty, but you'll get over it when life is so much simpler," he said, relentlessly.

"That… wouldn't be very objective of me. Just because I don't want him in my private life doesn't mean I don't want him in the hospital. He's a brilliant doctor."

"Cuddy, he's not something you can keep in a box and bring out when he's needed."

"I know that!"

"Then you need to deal with him on a personal level." Wilson was uncompromising. Cuddy looked mulish, then her shoulders slumped and her face registered acceptance.

"I know, but he won't meet me half way."

"Yes, he will. It's just his definition of half way and yours are miles apart."

"How do I start to fix it? He won't even talk to me." Finally, thought Wilson, the reason she came here.

"You know when I said he was hanging on to your coattails?" he asked. She nodded.

"Well, you knocked him off." She frowned for a moment.

"I need to go back and get him?" she asked. Wilson nodded.