A/N: This is the infamous House/Cuddy kiss. So this chapter's gonna be about Cuddy. Don't worry, he still loves Wilson more.
Recap: Cuddy's all excited about getting a baby, she's going to meet with the mother. She notices a rash and brings her in, they check out the baby and there might be complications. Every time he sees Cuddy, House explains how unfit a mother she'll be. When the mom gets worse, Cuddy asks House if they should deliver or wait, House says deliver, Cuddy decides to agree, but he was just testing her. She tells the mother to wait, but she's scared and wants to have the baby now. The baby survives, and the biological mother decides at the last minute that she wants to keep it. Cuddy's at home feeling upset, House comes to see her, he actually tries to console her. He tells her she would have made a great mother. He kisses her, she kisses back, and he leaves.
Joy
Oops.
All right, that was pretty stupid.
How many times have I said nothing serious can happen between us?
I mean, it was hot, but I really shouldn't have done that. She would have gone all the way, for sure. She was vulnerable, she was miserable, and she really does love me. I love her too, in my own way. And I guess I feel bad. And I guess I kind of feel guilty. It's not my fault she lost the kid, that's not what I feel guilty about. I really shouldn't have antagonized her like that. I don't know why I do that. Even if she had gotten the kid, she just would have doubted herself. And then when she's not getting it anymore I tell her she'd be great. Not only is she not getting this kid anymore, she's giving up. It's her own decision, but it's possible that a part of it was that I drove her to it. I had to go and point out all the mistakes she's making by having impaired judgement, looking at things through a mother's eyes instead of a doctor's. Wilson was right. I really do spread misery. Why can't I just let the woman be happy?
I tried to make up for it. I felt bad, I told her there were other kids she could adopt. I guess I was too late. I made the right decision by leaving. I shouldn't even have kissed her. Sex would have just made things worse. I'd just complicate things. She doesn't need that. She doesn't need a stupid mistake. She doesn't need me to take advantage of her.
I can see it, six months later, we're fighting and she points out that the only reason we're in a relationship is because I manipulated her and then took advantage of her. No. I'm not gonna let that happen. Contrary to popular belief, I do actually care about her.
I probably should have shown that. When Wilson was on leave and she was with me, I should have appreciated it. I should have told her I appreciated it. She should have mattered to me and I should have shown her that she matters to me.
But I couldn't have. I was too focused on Wilson. Idiot. It shouldn't be him I love, it should be her. I know we'd never work, but...couldn't we try? If I loved her more than him, there could be a chance. I mean, he's not the only reason. It'd be really hard. But if I loved her most, if I could put her first, maybe we would have a chance. I know she loves me.
Stupid Wilson.
I wonder if she'd be better for me than him. He hurts me without meaning to sometimes, but she doesn't, really. They both put up with me, but I think she's a better judge of where to draw the line. He either draws it too close or doesn't draw it at all. He enables. She knows when to stop. She's wrong sometimes, she makes mistakes, but she admits it. And she could fall in love with me. She might already be in love with me. She values my opinion. She trusts my judgement. She does love me.
He...
God, this is confusing.
It doesn't really matter. I'm not starting a relationship with her. I'm not starting a relationship with him. He could never be in love with me anyway, and I...I'm not in love with him. I love him more than I love Cuddy, but I'm attracted to Cuddy and could easily fall in love with her if I let myself. I don't want to let myself because then I might go against my better judgement and try and have a relationship. Bad idea. Really bad idea.
So nothing changes. Nothing can happen. I shouldn't have kissed her, but I did. Then I came to my senses and left. It's over.
