Author's Note: All I have to say is, I'm a complete and utter sap. Hope everyone had a happy New Year and I'll get back to actual plot like things soon. Thank you again to everyone who has been reading this. :)
The soft click of the door behind him sounded so terribly final.
Without thinking, she grabbed one of the bloody sheets she'd been laying on to cover her naked form as she ran out of the room after Alistair. Marlana wasn't going to let him walk away like that. He was still walking down the hall when she erupted out the door, "Alistair, dammit. Wait."
He stopped, but didn't turn around.
Gasping for breath, she panted, "Look, can we talk, please?"
"There's nothing to talk about." He paused, "Wynne said you should rest. If you'll actually listen to what anyone has to say." Alistair started to walk away, his every moment reflecting his anger.
"Damn you, you are not doing this", she growled. Did he really believe she was going to let him go without a fight? "Get back here, Alistair Theirin. We're not done yet."
This time he stopped to turn around and glare at her. His gaze was met by furious blue eyes as she advanced on him. Despite the fact her long hair was a loose, frizzy, slightly bloodied cloud around her head that vaguely drifted down her back, and only wrapped up in a sheet, she looked terrifying. Even if she did look slightly amusing "dressed" the way she was.
"Do you really want to have this conversation here?" He demanded angrily.
Coldly, "It's as good of a place as any."
"So you want to have a shouting matching in public?"
"They're going to hear us no matter what, Alistair." Without really thinking about what was holding up her impromptu covering, she put her fists on her hips. Since she hadn't tied up the sheet and there wasn't anything else holding it up, it fell down to where her hands met her hips.
Alistair's sense of the absurd proved to be greater than his rage at Lana. However his sense of self-preservation was still in effect as his hurt and anger started to drain away, so he kept his grin to himself. Or tried to. His lips still twitched slightly, but the smirk came out anyway as she hastily yanked the sheet back up, then crossed her arms over her chest. Which didn't help anything.
The smirk turned into a grin which turned into laughter as first she glared at him, then her lips twitched slightly as her own sense of the absurd woke up. It wasn't long until she was laughing with him. When the laughter faded, she looked up at him silently, afraid to break the fragile peace between them. He studied her for a moment, his expression unreadable, before he crossed the distance between them in three quick, ground eating strides.
He lightly placed his hands on her shoulders and said softly, "Let's get you cleaned up and dressed, have something to eat, then we'll talk."
She nodded mutely. Now that the burst of anger was over, Lana found her strength and energy were rapidly fading. Hesitantly, she slid her arms around him and was more than gratified when he held her in return, he lightly buried his face in her hair the way he normally did.
Finally, and clearly reluctantly, Alistair stepped back a bit to guide Lana into the room she'd been healed in. Once inside with the door closed behind them, it galled her to quietly admit, "Alistair… I'm going to need your help."
He looked at her sharply, and frowned seeing that she was pale and shaking. Then he smiled softly at her "So, does this mean I get to fuss over you without you complaining about it?"
Sitting down with a slight thump on the cot stained with her blood, and incidentally avoiding the still damp spots, Lana slanted a glance at him curiously. Just a few moments before he seemed ready to walk away and now he was commenting about fussing over her? She wasn't quite sure how to ask him about the sudden change in mood.
Before he said anything, he grabbed the pitcher of now lukewarm water, its basin and some towels to let her start cleaning up. "I was extremely angry at you. At what happened at Howe's estate and Anora's sheer gall of showing up here after betraying you to Cauthrien."
Lana's head snapped up and some color came back into her cheeks with a feverish intensity, "She what?"
"Thought that'd get your attention." He smiled grimly as he spoke, took a comb, dipped it in the water and began to carefully comb her hair while she slowly began to wash what wasn't bandaged.
"But I don't want to talk about her. Not now anyway. We'll have to later though. But for now." He gave her a sly grin, "You have a way of distracting a man. If you could have seen the look on your face when the sheet fell down. Priceless. But it helped me get past the anger."
"I didn't do it deliberately, Alistair. I honestly forgot I was just holding it up with my hands."
"I know, but it helped me get over the anger." Alistair took in a deep breath and let it out quickly, "Well, it was more than just anger. I was absolutely furious. And hurt. And…I was all ready to make you hurt like I was. Except, you already were, weren't you? And not just from your injuries."
"From the moment I knocked you out."
"But why, Lana? I could've kept you safe."
To his horror, the damp cloth she'd been using to clean herself fell from numb fingers, her skin went cold and clammy before she started to shiver. He wrapped his arms around her for warmth and Marlana spoke in a hoarse whisper, "No, no you couldn't. No one could. I didn't want him to have a chance at you. If I could have done it alone, I would have. I didn't want him to have a chance at anyone else I cared for."
He thought over her words. Remembered a previous conversation they had months ago.
"Alistair, I don't have the strength, not anymore, if I ever had it."
"The strength for what?"
"To survive failing you like I failed everyone else."
Then he remembered a much more recent conversation with Leli.
"She loves you so much that she's terrified of losing you. When you were so badly hurt in the Deep Roads she was frantic. Lana tried not to show it, but we could all see it. And now going into Howe's den? Take you near the man who was responsible for the slaughter of her family? Did you think she was going to risk taking you near him?"
He realized that being who and what she was, Lana hadn't been able to voice her fears out of concern they'd come true.
Unaware of Alistair's introspection, Lana sucked in a deep breath, but hers came out as a sigh, all he could do was listen in silence, still trying to warm her up, "After… Alistair, there was at least a company of seasoned troops. All I could do was buy the others time. I-I didn't want to sacrifice myself, but I couldn't let them go down either. That they captured me…" She shook her head, still shivering in his arms, "I was grateful for that, grateful it was just me because they left me with just two guards who thought me a defenseless little girl."
In an effort to cheer them both up, he lightly said, "They obviously don't know your reputation."
Still somber, "No, they didn't. And that's what saved me in a way. If you'd been there, they would've taken you as a threat."
He thought over how she said what saved her and Wynne's comment about the blood in Lana's mouth. As delicately as he could, "Saved you in a way. What did they do to you?"
She shook her head and the shivers turned into shaking, "I can't tell you. If I do you'll never want me to touch you again."
He closed his eyes, swallowed nervously and realized he had no way of delicately asking what needed to be asked. Maybe he should leave it to Leli, or Wynne, or even Maker help him, Morrigan. But he didn't think by the time one of them could talk to her, all of her emotional defenses would be back in place and they wouldn't get anything out of her. He didn't want to do it but…
"Did they rape you?"
She was too quiet as she said, "No."
"Marlana…"
"They didn't. If they did, I probably wouldn't want a man touching me, even you." Her tone went flat. "But if I told you what I did, you really wouldn't want to be intimate ever again."
"Tell me they're at least dead."
Finally, something that made her smile, even if it was a vicious one, "Oh yes. Very much so and at the hands of a 'defenseless little girl'."
"Good."
She blinked up at him. A vicious smile of his own curved his lips and he gently ran a rough finger along her cheek, "I'm glad those bastards that hurt you paid for what they did, and at your hands."
A little grimly he let her go to resume combing the tangles out of her hair. She picked up the cloth to finish cleaning up. "I really do want to apologize, on how I handled all of this. I…know you won't be able to trust me for a long time if ever. I just…" She trailed off at a loss for words, bitterly thinking about how she could find the words to sway others to follow her against the Blight. Yet she couldn't find the means to heal the rift between them.
"Can you promise me that you won't do that again?"
Even knowing that it was likely to end everything between them except for being Wardens, she still owed him the truth. And she wouldn't make a promise to him that she couldn't keep. "I can't, I'm sorry. I can promise that I'll try to explain myself better."
He sighed, "I thought so." To her astonishment, he began to gently tie her hair up after setting the comb down. "I love you, Marlana Cousland. Never forget that."
She whispered back, wondering why he was dragging this out, "I love you too."
"Good. Then you should know that I'm not going to give you up. Not over this. But as I said before, you need to talk to me."
Blinking back tears and cursing herself for being maudlin, "I know…I've just never been good being all emotional and stuff."
He chuckled and dropped a kiss on her head. Somewhat dryly, "Yes, so I've learned. Anyway, let's get you dressed and go eat. I'm starving."
A watery chuckle burbled out of her, "You're always hungry." She started to slowly pull on the clothes with his help. "I guess we had our talk sooner than we expected."
"Yes, so we did. That makes it easier for deciding what to do about the snake upstairs."
"I suppose Eamon still considers her a potential ally?"
"Unfortunately, he does. He kept me from killing her actually."
She gave him a narrow eyed look as she started to pull her boots on, causing him to grin. "She showed up shortly after Wynne, Zev and Oghren got back and told the rest of us what happened. Eamon called me into his office and there she was. I almost strangled her, except Eamon stopped me." He paused musingly, "Hm, wonder how I should keep my promise?"
Lana got the second boot on and stood up somewhat wobbly with Alistair's assistance, "What promise?"
"I promised that I would destroy everything and everyone she loves if any harm came to you. I was just a little angry at the time."
They made their way out of the room, Lana leaning against Alistair a bit more than she probably needed to. But it felt too good to be at his side again. "And she's still here? I'm surprised she didn't take off as soon as she could."
"Oh well, as to that. I told Eamon to keep her, and her maid, under wraps."
She thought that over, not surprised that Alistair gave Eamon an order, she knew when her templar was angry enough, he wasn't afraid to start giving commands, but that Eamon followed it… "So… Eamon has no problems keeping her locked up here?"
"Well, she's not exactly locked up, but she hasn't been allowed to leave either. Or her maid. I think they're a little afraid of what the rest of us might do after what happened."
She nodded thoughtfully and another thought struck her, "Has anyone checked up on the prisoners we freed?"
He sighed in exasperation, "Lana…"
"I know I need to rest, but there's so much that needs to be done…"
"You're going to eat first. You may not think you're hungry, but we both know that you haven't eaten in too long. Not to mention all the fighting and what healing can do to your reserves. Once you get something solid in you, you won't be as shaky."
"So is this where the fussing starts?"
He gave her a sly smile, "Not even close."
"Well, in that case." She stopped abruptly. He looked down at her curiously, she placed her hands on his shoulders to pull herself up to lightly kiss him. But Alistair didn't let her go, instead he held her closer as their kiss deepened. The taste of him and feeling of him went a long way to banishing the shadows caused by her imprisonment. Both smiled at each other, then arm in arm went into the dining room to see what they could talk the kitchen into getting them.
Sten, Leliana, Zevran, and Oghren were waiting for them with enough food for a small army. Or four people of normal appetites and two Wardens. For a moment, those seated studied the Wardens in silence, then Oghren gestured impatiently for them to sit. As they began to serve themselves, Sten rumbled, "You are well, kadan?"
Hearing concern in his voice made her wince internally, "Yes, I am. Thank you, Sten."
Clearly pleased at her response, he nodded and started to eat. Oghren simply grunted, and took a quaff of ale while the other two studied her thoughtfully. She felt Alistair begin to bristle slightly next to her, so she lightly nudged him with her elbow.
He looked down at her, "Heyyy, what was that for?"
"Be good", she grinned at him.
"I am being good." He looked at her plate and mock frowned, "You aren't though."
She smiled a little at him and started to eat. At their chatter, both Zev and Leli relaxed and began to eat themselves, the relief was unmistakable in their eyes. As they ate in silence, Lana wondered when the lectures would start.
It was Oghren who broke the tension in the way only he could. "You should be proud of your pike-twirler, Lana."
She raised an eyebrow as Alistair started to redden slightly. The dwarf grinned, "He was very much RAWR about you being captured, though he didn't mope. He was the brains behind the whole rescue. Pity he didn't kill the Stone-Forsaken bitch though."
Alistair coughed, slightly embarrassed, "I didn't do it all alone."
"Well sure, it was me'n the elf that came up with the distraction. But you were the one who was all boss-like sayin' who was to do what. Still don't get why you took Leli instead of me or Sten when you went in."
"Like we told you, Oghren, the guards are all human, they'd notice a dwarf or Qunari pretty quickly", was Leliana's exasperated response.
"Hmph. Whatever. Shoulda seen the reactions of those sodding idiots at the Fort! They didn't know what to do with ol' Oghren."
"I heard enough to know that some of us would appreciate not hearing the details while eating", Lana said dryly.
He chortled while Sten looked pained as Zev and Leli exchanged revolted glances. Alistair kept his attention firmly on his food, his expression very determined at not hearing the dwarf's colorful commentary. "Don't worry, Warden. I know how sensitive stomachs you prissy types have. But I wish you could have seen those two guards' faces! Ha!"
Zevran smiled toothily, "As revolting as it was, the dwarf is right. It was amusing, if only because they underestimated his…range."
"Ha! Like I said, they underestimated ol' Oghren!" A yeasty belch accompanied his exclamation, an action that would normally have Lana wrinkling her nose at the smell. But she was too relieved to see everyone alive and well, including the obnoxious dwarf who still desperately needed a bath. Rheumy green eyes studied her, and another grunt, but he didn't say anything else.
Fortunately for Lana, Sten decided to get down to business, "Kadan, what are your plans now?"
She rubbed her forehead, she knew the answer they all wanted, which was for her to do the sensible thing and get more rest. However Alistair had been right and the food was going a long ways to getting her back to normal. She took another helping, trying not to think about the fact it was her third, when normally seconds was more than enough. "I need to check to make sure those prisoners we released from Howe's dungeons got to safety. Speaking of whom, did Riordan get here yet?"
Zevran shook his head, "Not yet. Please tell me you do not plan on searching the city for him."
"While I'm sure he's the only other Warden in the city besides Alistair and myself, it's too big of a place to go searching. Not when there's other things that need to be done. I like to think I learn from my mistakes. I freely admit that we should never have gone after Anora, but I let my hate blind me."
There were looks exchanged amongst the others, including Alistair. But it was Leliana who spoke, "You paid the price, what purpose would yelling at you serve except upset us all?" The bard gave the younger woman a knowing look, "And if I know you at all, you've been beating yourself up the entire time, no? Besides, I'm sure Alistair has taken care of the yelling by now."
Both Wardens flushed at the slight chuckles from the rest. She rubbed the back of her head, "Well, to paraphrase a certain someone, now that horribly awkward moment is over… I guess I best speak with the Arl and go from there."
Realizing she was missing someone, and that it wasn't Shale who tried to avoid the dining room whenever possible, she frowned slightly, "So what kind of trouble has Oogie been up to?"
"He's currently waiting up in our room. I, um, kind of bribed him to stay there." Alistair smirked at her expression. "Whaaat? All I did was give him a few beef bones. He's happy as a clam, especially since I know to keep my fingers to myself now."
Lana smiled, then pushed her empty plate to the side, feeling much better for the food, and especially for her friends. Despite her idiocy, they were still there for her. Though she was still a little puzzled at Alistair's abrupt change of attitude. She didn't think her accidentally flashing him would make that big of a change. Taking her signal for what it was, not to mention the thoughtful look Marlana's eyes, Alistair stood and offered her his hand in a courtly gesture. Smiling she accepted his hand up to get to her feet and bid the others a good day for the time being.
As they walked upstairs to Eamon's study, she finally asked what had been on her mind, "So why the sudden change in attitude earlier?"
Alistair paused and leaned against the wall to regard her thoughtfully before answering. He flashed a sardonic grin at her, "Oh, you mean besides you flashing me?"
She blushed at his comment. "You're not going to let me forget that, are you?"
"Never."
Then he became serious, "But the real answer to your question is. Because I remembered, almost too late, that we're both overprotective of each other, you're just quieter and sneakier about it." He reached out to skim the back of his hand along her cheek, "I love you so much, and I realized that when you wouldn't let me walk away, that you would have been chewing yourself up over how things happened. You just need to remember that love and trust really do go together. And I do still trust you, because you were acting on that protectiveness."
Lana couldn't say anything, all she could do was just hug him, grateful that despite it all he could still forgive her.
