Good good good grief, I know, I know! I'm not even gonna bother with excuses! I'll just be in the stocks guys, feel free to come and pelt me with fruit any time :(
Chapter 27: The Right Thing
Morgana was a strong woman; she always had been, ever since she was a little girl. And she had to be strong after her father had died, she had to learn how to hide any signs of weakness.
But not even she could prevent the lump in her stomach that had been growing over the past month from rising to her throat, making her take a sip of water that her maidservant had laid out for her by her bedside.
She had asked Gwen specifically to prepare her for the wedding, and Gwen had agreed to be mistress of the robes once Morgana was Queen; an honour she would not forget in a hurry. She had always known her former mistress would be a great Queen, but now she was excited for the goodness and justice she knew she would bring to Camelot.
"There are so many people," Gwen commented as she looked out of the window. The sun had come out for Arthur and Morgana especially it seemed, and it made hundreds of shiny dots appear in the road leading up to the gates, with the men's armour shimmering spectacularly. The women were also beautifully dressed, coming from far and wide to pay tribute to the new King and Queen of Camelot.
"Yes, I suppose there are," Morgana agreed, joining Gwen at the window "It's almost unnerving that all these strangers are going to see my wedding," she laughed a little and walked back from the window, putting her arms around herself.
Gwen suddenly felt rather guilty and walked up behind her friend.
"Don't be afraid," she said soothingly "You're going to look beautiful, and you'll be amazing." She knew that there was no point in consoling Morgana about the real issue that was scaring the life out of her, so she attempted to take her mind off it if only for a moment.
"Thank you," she whispered, not looking back.
Dressing Morgana didn't take as long as they thought it would, seeing as Gwen stayed silent throughout the entire process, completely different from when she used to dress her former mistress, courtly gossip bouncing between them. Now, though, Gwen just let Morgana delve into her thoughts like she knew she needed.
When she had fastened the last blue ribbon onto her dress, she put her arm on Morgana's shoulder and whispered, "It's time," making the lady shiver.
When Morgana finally made it to walking down the aisle in the amazingly beautiful chapel the castle owned, she had made the big mistake of looking over at Merlin who was standing by the side with the other servants. He didn't seem to be focusing on the wedding, of course he wasn't. And that made her wonder what the atmosphere had been like between him and Arthur that morning when they had woken up next to each other, knowing that Arthur was getting married hours later.
She figured they would have gone through the morning with as little words as possible, maybe not even any hugs or kisses, trying to make the day less painful than it already was.
And then she made the even bigger mistake of looking to her left where the knights were standing, proud and straight backed, Sir Leon sticking out more than any of them despite their matching uniforms. He caught Morgana's eye almost by mistake, looking away too quickly even for her own conscience. Ever since her and Merlin's magic had been revealed to the Kingdom, she had felt so guilty for lying to everyone, including Leon himself and the thought of him staying angry at her on her wedding day and the possibility of never making up with him made her clutch her bouquet in regret.
Arthur looked flushed; almost ill as she approached him. She wasn't sure if it was the heat of his nerves, or the desperate tries to keep the tears she knew were hiding in there from spilling out. There would be no explanation for that sort of display.
When she put her hand out for him to take, his hand did indeed feel warm, but nothing like the heat of his face and her eyes softened when she met his, trying to reassure him, and squeezed his hand for further comfort.
He gave her a weak smile and lead her round to the front the alter where the priest was waiting with a warm smile. And when he began to speak and invited people to sit down for the mass to begin, Morgana gulped and mentally told herself that "this is it".
It seemed the entire court was in an unhealthy state of happiness after the wedding, and the ball was buzzing with all the new guests that had arrived, and Morgana could not have felt more claustrophobic during the greetings if she tried. She had never made it a big secret how much she hated greeting royal guests, but today of all days she just wanted to be alone and spend time thinking things over.
Neither she nor Arthur had approached Merlin since the previous night for a discussion and Morgana wasn't even sure where to find him, but it didn't take long, as one glance around the room had Merlin sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the happy dancers in the ballroom. He was sitting on one the side benches, a beaker of something in his hand, and she was convinced that something was not water.
Morgana approached Merlin with caution, having never been around him when drunk; she didn't know what he would act like towards her. He sat with a gloomy, resigned face, looking down at the floor.
"Merlin?" she asked quietly, touching his shoulder "What you doing over here all by yourself?"
He shrugged, face still hung low, "Dr-drinking myself to an early grave," he said, a little slurred.
Morgana's eyes narrowed as her heart filled with pity for the young warlock. She had to get him to bed before anyone saw him.
"Merlin," she said "What do you say we get you to bed?" He looked at her and shook his head oddly.
"Not-no'tired," he said a little loudly.
"Merlin, you look terrible," she said and came a little closer. "We don't want Arthur seeing you like this, do we?"
And even in his totally intoxicated state, Merlin's eyes softened and he looked over to where his lover was sitting, obviously just as miserable as he was. He nodded slowly, and let Morgana help him up.
"What you doin'?" he asked.
"I'm taking you to bed, Merlin," she said, struggling to hold his body weight up as he was barely able to stand on his own two feet.
"But... but y' the queeeeen!" he reminded her. "Y'gotta dance n'stuff."
"Merlin, I'm sure I won't be missed. Now are you going to let me help you or not?" She asked, wanting to get him out before he drew too much attention to himself. He nodded and finally they got out of the hall and into the empty corridor outside.
Morgana would take Merlin to his own room tonight, though she wasn't sure how he would react to that.
"Y' look preeety t'nigh," he said with a silly smile. Morgana laughed and dragged Merlin's arm around her shoulders to keep him upright.
"Thank you Merlin," she smiled as he leaned his head on her shoulder.
"Y'know what, Gana?" he asked "Oh, y'don mind if I call y'Gana, do you? S'just once I heard Arthur call y'it, and- and... sounded nice..."
"You always call me 'Gana', Merlin," she reminded him, trying not to giggle.
"Do I!" he exclaimed, sounded really surprised "Well that's alrite then!" She giggled again.
"Morgana?" A voice echoed behind them, and despite the weight on her back, Morgana managed to crane her head to see Lancelot walking towards them, concerned.
"Oh, Lancelot, hello," she said with a bit of a smile.
"What happened?" he asked "I saw you leave."
"I think this one's had a little too much," she explained, half silly, half pitiful, and Lancelot's eyes softened and he put Merlin's other arms round himself to help balance Morgana's burden.
"Heeeey!" Merlin greeted his friend merrily.
"Hello Merlin," he smiled.
"Aaaanyway!" Merlin continued "Morgana," he said. "Y'know... I figured out... everything I do... all the- the time," and he hiccupped "It's always been like... like th'right thing, y'know? Like... not jus f'Arthur... like... I set Sparky free n'stuff... didn't have to- but promised, y'know..." Merlin explained what he thought was a coherent speech, even though his two companions were having a hard time understanding a word.
"N'Mordred- should've not done it. But it was right I think... but Arthur- I always seem to do stuff... like... Gwen- her kiss didn't work y'know Gana. I didn't. So I did it- coz it was right. I could've kissed him and lived happily... um... something... but no, coz I went n' cast the spell! And then I left!" He said rather loudly.
Morgana seemed to be finally understanding where this explanation was heading, and it broke her heart to hear Merlin talk like this- that it took God knows how much ale for him to express his hurt after all this time.
"But... that's me I s'pose! Like... the poison n'stuff. And now this... I pushed and pushed him... if he didn't do it Gana, things would've gone really bad y'know! And now it's done... and y'know... I thought of somefink..." And he paused, as though contemplating his own thoughts.
"I'm tired, Morgana..." he said, still very slurred, but she could tell he meant every word "It's um... tiring and... yeah... tiring n'stuff... all this... doing right... and... I think... y'know what, guys? I'm tired of doing th'right thing... reeeally..."
And by now, Morgana's eyes had welled up like they hadn't in a long time, and she looked at Lancelot for some kind of support- for help on what to say when you hear something like that. And even though she didn't know what was going to happen for them in the future, that was the moment when she vowed that no matter what it took on her part, she would make everything right for all of them- Merlin deserved that, if not more.
Thankfully, they made it to Merlin's chambers which he had not slept in once since they were given to him. Morgana and Lancelot flopped Merlin onto his bed in a sitting position, and with her free hand, Morgana subtly brushed off a tear that she had shed on her way there.
"Lancelot," she said "Will you go back to the party and tell Arthur that I just went for a quick walk to clear my head so he won't wonder. I don't want him to follow me and see him like this..."
"Of course," he smiled.
"And... could you bring some water for him, please?" Lancelot nodded again and left the room, leaving the two of them alone.
"How are you feeling Merlin?" Morgana asked softly.
"Tiiiired..." he said, and she knew he meant both senses of the word. She sat by him and helped him out of his jacket and shirt as best she could.
"Come on then," she said soothingly "Let's put you to bed then? You'll feel so much better in the morning."
"Promise?" Merlin asked, making involuntary puppy dog eyes at her. And she smiled a forced smile, telling him yes.
It took some work, but Morgana finally managed to wrestle Merlin out of his clothes and into a nightshirt that was laying on his bed for him. She also noticed a wash bowel that had been left for him that evening and got up to bring it over, pouring some of the water onto an empty mug.
Merlin got himself into bed and under the covers, and Morgana sat on the edge, coaxing him to sit up so she could give him water.
He groaned, but did as he was told and he propped himself up on his forearm and sipped bits at a time.
Once he had drunk everything, Morgana let him put his head on the pillow and he made what she thought was a content noise, but then she realised that he was actually about to cry.
"Morgana..." he said to her.
"What is it, sweetie?" She asked, concerned that maybe he was hurt somewhere.
"Please..." he whispered "Please... please... please... please look after my Arthur, please..." his voice wasn't so slurred now, his drunkenness wearing off even a little, but he was crying by now, "He says he's ok... he's not ok... please Morgana, he's all I've got... God, Gana, he's the world to me, please..."
Morgana could barely understand him by now, as the sobs were taking control of his body and he was shaking, trying to compose himself.
And Morgana let out a cry of her own, no longer being able to suppress it, and she grabbed Merlin almost violently towards her, tight against her chest so he would feel some comfort and reassurance, and she rocked him. Slowly and silently, she rocked him and cried, and let him cry into her dress, not caring what people would say when she would finally return to the celebrations.
"Shh... shh..." she soothed him as best she could, stroking his black hair and kissing it lightly "Sweetheart... I'm here, come on, shhh..."
She didn't know how long she had been doing this for, but eventually, Merlin stopped crying and soon after that, she felt him relax against her and felt his deep breathing against her skin and she knew he was asleep.
She gave a content sigh that he was finally peaceful, and lay him back onto the pillows almost like one would a small baby. Morgana had never seen Merlin sleep. Not like this, anyway. And for the first time in a long time, she felt content that he wasn't plagued by any of this business. His face looked dreamy, eyes lightly closed, lips forming only the slightest pout. The evidence of his cries were still on his face, but she tried to ignore that, and instead, arranged him into what she thought may be a more comfortable position, tucking the blankets all around him like a bundle.
But she just didn't have the heart to leave him like that- not after what had just happened. So she just sat and stared at him, trying to figure out a way of making everything better for the two men she loved more than anything in the world.
Her hand made its way to his soft hair and she brushed any hair that was in his face away, and continued to stroke it, as if lulling him into an even deeper sleep.
She should have probably been frightened when the door opened suddenly, but she was so wrapped up in her own thoughts, that she merely looked round, only a little surprised.
"Lancelot was dancing with Gwen," Sir Leon said a little loudly as he entered the room, and Morgana shushed him quietly, and then her eyes softened when she realised who it was.
Leon looked over at the sleeping Merlin and made a face like he'd been caught doing something wrong, and tiptoed slowly into the room.
"He asked me to bring you the water," he whispered this time.
Morgana nodded, even though she had already put Merlin to bed, but she didn't have the heart to send Leon away, so she motioned for him to come in. He nodded and closed the door silently behind him.
Having no other place to sit, Leon sat on the other side of Merlin's bed, opposite Morgana, avoiding his sleeping form.
It wasn't until he sat down that Morgana realised how awkward everything probably was between them. Neither of them had really spoken to each other since Arthur announced the wedding, and therefore since he lifted the ban on magic in Camelot, announcing that his future wife and minster were sorcerers and protectors of his Kingdom.
Of course, she had no idea how he felt about all this- he didn't seem frightened of her, but that didn't mean that he wasn't. She was a witch after all.
"How is he?" Leon asked.
"Exhausted- physically and emotionally poor mite," she said, stroking his hair again. "You should have seen him earlier," she said. "He was... oh God, I've never seen him like that..."
After a pause, Leon said, "What's going to happen?"
"Whatever I have to do to make this right for him... I will do- the two of them... they will be happy..." she trailed off and she didn't dare meet Leon's eyes when she said, "tonight... tonight I'll have to hurt him... but after that... I hope..."
"And what about you?" Leon asked quietly. She looked up at him, tears now in her eyes, which for some reason, she wasn't afraid for him to see.
"Me?" she asked, as if she hadn't even thought about it "Well... I'll be Queen."
She knew that's not what he meant, and he smiled at her tries to avoid the real question there.
After all Morgana's tries to try and deny whatever there was between them... it seemed that both their emotions were too highly strung to leave any room for pretences. And she knew very well what this meant for her- a life time of being Arthur's wife. Not that that was a sacrifice- she loved Arthur. But whatever sorts of feelings she and Leon had developed in the meantime could never be realised.
It seemed that in her sea of thoughts, Morgana hadn't even realised that there had been a very lengthy silence between the two of them, and it was Leon who finally broke it.
"Morgana..." he whispered. He had used her first name to her face once. Only once. And he had apologised for it almost straight away. It was nothing like this. She knew he wasn't going to apologise for this. And he whispered it. It... it felt so intimate. She didn't want to fight it; the warmth it brought her to hear her name being said like that.
Her hand was leaning on the blankets, and she noticed Leon's own hand edging its way closer and closer to hers. This was the moment when she could turn back and say that this would just make it harder- make it more difficult. But she needed this, and like Merlin, she was tired of pretending. As if her perception of all this changed in one second, Morgana moved her hand and met his half way, until his lay on top of hers. Comforting, reassuring, warm and everything that she had wanted up until now.
When he broke the silence, it seemed a little painful at first, but then only startling, "You're so brave," Leon told her softly and she shook her head with tears in her eyes.
"I'm not brave," she whispered hoarsely. "This one's brave," she said, stroking Merlin's fringe again.
"You both are," Leon agreed "And I'm sorry for what you have to go through tonight."
Morgana didn't seem too pained at this statement, but she shuddered the slightest amount. After all, it was Arthur- it wasn't like she didn't know him, she cared for him, and she knew that for all his endless teasing he'd never let any harm come to her, and she knew she would be all right.
She looked Leon in the eye for a split second and then realised what she was doing. It hit her like a tonne of bricks and even though she resisted the urge to fling his hand off hers and run out the room, she did move her hand slowly away.
Before she had a chance to say anything, she heard a soft voice whispering her name from the corridor outside, and Morgana shut her eyes, half saddened that she would have to leave, "That would be Gwen," she whispered, her eyes still closed, her hand now lying next to Leon's; not touching.
Leon looked at her adoringly and whispered back even lower, "She'll leave in a minute."
And Morgana opened her eyes, which were by now full of tears again, and she moved slowly inch by inch away from Leon, shaking her head slowly, trying to send him a clear, painful and bittersweet message. A tear rolled down her face and Leon looked away slightly, realising that she was right.
"Morgana, are you in here?" Gwen asked, standing outside the door.
"Yes, we'll..." she paused, trying to disguise the cry in her voice that she didn't even realise was there before "We'll be there in a minute..." she said quietly.
"Ok then," Gwen said, unaware of her friend's state. "It'll be the last dance soon."
And then they heard her leave and Morgana slowly got up, wiping her eyes as lightly as she could and fixing her hair as best she could. She didn't know how bad her face looked, but she folded her hands on top of each other and left the room silently leaving Leon sitting on the bed alone.
The last dance had gone by at lightning speed compared to the rest of the evening which seemed to pass in slow motion. But finally, Morgana
retired to her chambers with Gwen who undressed her without words, not really knowing what to say to her.
She unbraided her hair and let it fall in lovely locks across her back and shoulders. She took the bowl of water set out for Morgana by the other servants and washed Morgana's limited make up off with a cloth.
As she was finishing, Gwen had the courage to finally ask in a quiet, uncertain voice, "Are you afraid?"
Morgana looked up and her first instinct was to shake her head confidently, which she did, but then she relaxed as Gwen started stroking her hair, and admitted with more confidence than she felt, "Only a little..."
Gwen looked up at her again, pity in her eyes, even though she knew that Arthur was more than the best man Morgana could probably wish for.
"How was he with you?" Morgana asked quietly "Lancelot I mean..."
Gwen sat silent for a moment, unsure of how best to answer, but then she told her, "He was... tender... all men who love their wives are..."
Morgana smiled, seemingly a little reassured from Gwen and she put a hand on her friend's. She looked down at their hands, and was painfully reminded of the similar scene from just hours ago, and her hand shot back almost as if she'd burnt herself. She couldn't afford any emotional distractions tonight.
"Are you alright Morgana?" Gwen asked.
"I'm fine," she said, putting on her best fake smile. "Would you please check on Merlin for me before you retire for the night?"
Gwen smiled, "Of course I will," she said and hugged Morgana one last time before leaving her alone.
It seemed like Morgana paced her room for at least two miles before she heard the door squeak open slightly, at which point she sat down on her bed as fast as lightning, her heart beating like a drum.
Arthur poked his head inside, not wanting to scare her, and then he came inside fully, shutting the door behind him.
The room was too silent. They could both hear the fire crackling against the wall, the grasshoppers singing outside, the wind whistling through the trees.
"Morgana," Arthur said softly as he edged his way towards the bed. He was dressed in his nightclothes, a Pendragon red robe making him more decent for walking to Morgana's chambers.
"Please," she said calmly, placing her hand on the spot next to her on the bed, motioning for Arthur to come and sit. He did so, shifting a little so he could get comfortable.
"Alone at last," he finally said, a light hearted tone to his voice. Morgana smiled warmly, but didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry," he said finally. Morgana seemed slightly taken aback by this comment and asked,
"What for?"
"For what I'm putting you through, and for what you have to do tonight, and just for... everything..."
"Arthur... don't talk like that," she said.
"Morgana it's true... perhaps I should never have agreed to this- you'll have a wasted life because of me... I'm really sorry," he told her softly, looking straight at her.
"I'm not sorry," she said truthfully. Of course she wasn't sorry for marrying Arthur. She loved him more than anything in the world. It was he who had been looking after her when she was ten years old and came to live with him for the first time.
"You're just saying that."
"No I'm not," she told him. "I don't regret marrying you. How can I? You've never done me any harm Arthur."
"That's not the point," he said. "You should be free to marry someone you choose. This should never have happened."
And Morgana leant over and took his hand in hers, feeling surprised and confused as to which part of the conversation turned to her comforting Arthur.
"Arthur... I will be happy. I will find my happiness knowing that you are happy and that I have given Camelot an heir. If I can't be happy in love, then I will be happy knowing I did everything I could to be a good Queen."
"Morgana, stop this, you know you won't be happy!" Arthur said, genuinely concerned at this point.
"Arthur," Morgana said sternly. "And what do you think would have happened if I hadn't of married you? I would have been married off by Uther to someone I probably wouldn't know. Is that what you would wish for me? Instead of marrying you, whom I've known all my life?"
Arthur seemed to take some heed of these words, as he looked up, his expression a little more relaxed, and the crease in his brow a little lighter.
"Can I be honest with you?" He asked, and she nodded. "Father was pressing me to marry someone. We spoke of it just days before his death. Or should I say he did the talking and I did the sulking." Morgana gave a little laugh and Arthur smiled, saying, "If it's any conciliation... I wouldn't want it to be anybody else."
"Nor me," she agreed. "I think you're going to be the best husband I could be expected to wish for- and I wouldn't even want to wish for another. You know I love you, don't you?" she asked. "Because I know we fight a lot and I tease you Arthur, and sometimes I may behave like a spoiled Princess, but you mean the world to me."
"I know Gana," he smiled. "And I love you too- so much." He reached out and took her hands gently "You're the most important woman in my life... which is why it kills me to be doing this to you. I'm being dishonest to both of us... and utterly unfair to you."
"Arthur..." she began. "You know what the whole point of you marrying me was, don't you? So you can be with the one you love."
"Morgana, I could never do that to you- I know we agreed, but... it isn't right." She could tell by his face that he was just being brave. He wanted nothing better than to be with Merlin like he wanted, and Morgana's eyes softened at his lost little face.
"Arthur, I want you to," she said. "Why should you suffer? This is why I offered this, because I want to see you happy." She hoped to hell that she didn't have to tell Arthur what state Merlin was in for him to agree to this. But if she ever did decide to tell him, it wouldn't be tonight. They both had to comfort each other tonight, not make each other feel worse.
"I gave you my word Morgana," he said clearly. She shook her head with a bittersweet smile on her face, as if Arthur had missed something.
"Arthur... it wasn't your word to give, don't you see? Your body had given its word to someone else a long time ago. You have a duty to honour that promise rather than to someone you are with out of duty."
He looked up at her, a little startled, "It's not like that, I... it's not just duty, I..." he babbled, not wanting to say the wrong thing.
"It's ok," she reassured him "I know..."
Arthur relaxed again, but an extremely uneasy silence fell between them, until Morgana was brave enough to ask,"How's Merlin?" Even though she knew full well what state he had been in. Arthur sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"Surprisingly brave," he said, and Morgana couldn't have agreed more. Over the past month, Merlin had proved to be the bravest man she knew.
"I mean... I don't know if he's acting so indifferent to it all to avoid hurting himself or to avoid hurting me... I mean... I don't know if I wouldn't rather just see some emotion from him... I wouldn't mind holding him and cradling him every night while he cries. But he gives nothing, I don't understand. For all I know... he could be curled up in bed crying right now, and I..."
Morgana had to literally bite her tongue so hard she half expected to taste blood, in order to keep the tears form welling up. If Arthur had only seen what Merlin had been like that evening... it would have broken him beyond repair, no doubt.
"You... you should be with him tonight," she said "Later, after..." and she tried to prevent herself from blushing.
"Morgana, I am not going to leave you here after as if you were a-"
"I'm a big girl Arthur, I can look after myself," she told him, even though she knew that she had never felt more scared or insecure in her life. She knew that no matter what she said, Arthur would not leave her tonight. That was just the kind of man he was- noble and kind, and she was so glad of it.
"I really don't deserve you Morgana," he told her, even though she found this totally ironic. Nevertheless, she couldn't help but tease him by saying,
"No, you don't," and then added "But that's ok, because I don't deserve you either."
"How is that?" he asked with a little laugh.
"Don't think I've forgotten all those times when I was ten years old and cried myself to sleep every night. And you would come upstairs to me because you could hear me, and you told me stories of all your adventures that Uther took you on, your training, your lessons. It's what got me through it, Arthur." He smiled a little bashfully at this, but Morgana didn't stop there. She wanted him to know how much he meant to her. "You're always putting yourself out for me, and risking everything all the time. Like when you went after Gwen, like when I asked you to help me smuggle the druid boy out of Camelot and you did."
Arthur smiled to himself, but avoided Morgana's gaze when he said, "I still think you deserve better than me."
Morgana sighed and decided to lighten Arthur's mood with humour, "Well that's ok, because you can repay me by giving me a massage every morning."
It seemed to do the trick because Arthur suddenly exclaimed, "In your dreams!" Making Morgana giggle for the first time that day.
And then Arthur's worried face reappeared as he said, "I hope you won't mind, I mean... I hope it's okay if I... if I think about him tonight..." Morgana smiled and stroked the hand that was holding hers.
"Of course it's okay," she said sweetly ."If it's all the same..." she began, feeling the all too familiar nerve coiling in her gut when she mentioned Leon to anyone. Arthur probably knew by now about her affection for him, but he couldn't know the violence. After all, she had only herself discovered it that very night when she realised that she would lose him. "I'll be thinking of someone else too..."
"...Leon ..." Arthur said uncertainly and Morgana nodded, a faint blush staining her cheeks.
"There's no need to be embarrassed," he assured her with a chuckle. "I won't tell anyone."
"I know you won't... it's just..."
Arthur sat completely still, feeling as though a knife had stabbed him in the heart and guilt stained his nightshirt. He put his arms round Morgana and held her, saying, "I'm so sorry... I didn't know he meant so much to you... I would never... you've never liked anyone, I just thought..."
"It's ok," Morgana said a little solemnly, once again fighting back the tears. "He doesn't, it doesn't even matter."
"Don't say that," Arthur said. "It matters to me- God, I wish I'd never agreed to this!" He cursed.
"Arthur, I'm happy with you," she said, but a little dully, even if the words were true.
"It's not the same," he persisted.
"I say it is. As long as I'm happy, what does it matter who it's with?" She asked, and before Arthur could answer, she said "More to the point, this is about me making you happy. We'll get... we'll get through tonight... and as many nights as it may take... and then it'll be over," she smiled. "Everything will go back to the way it was before."
"No it won't Morgana," Arthur said, trying to make her understand. "The only way that I could ever live with myself is if you were as free as me."
And Morgana shook her head, understanding full well the real sentence there.
"Arthur, that is not going to happen," she told him. "If I were to get involved with another man and God forbid any one found out, they would come straight to you, and you would be expected to kill me. And what would it look like if you didn't?"
Arthur seemed a little surprised at that, but he said, "It wouldn't come to that," but the uncertainty was too obvious to be missed.
"Arthur, it's ok," she said yet again.
"Morgana, I want you to be fully happy," he said. "I want you to be fully happy with a man who you want to be with, and I want you to be able to lie with someone that you love. I don't think you realise how difficult a life of chastity would be for you."
"Oh, Arthur, I'm not bothered about that," she said. "I'm sure I could survive."
"Well let me tell you, Merlin made me do it for a whole month and that was enough to drive me insane."
"Yes, well when one is at it as often as you two are, then it is bound to hurt isn't it?"
"Hey, we're not that bad?" Arthur exclaimed, defending his 'honour' as usual.
"Hm, really?" Morgana asked sarcastically. "I wonder if I were a fly on the wall in here if I would find one single surface in this room which one of you hasn't bent over."
"Morgana!" Arthur almost groaned, hating it when she teased him over his and Merlin's libido. It was hardly his fault that Merlin could coax him better than one hundred skilled whores. But Morgana, being Morgana, wouldn't let up.
"In fact," she continued, having too much fun by now. "I wonder if I looked round hear carefully if I would find Merlin's handprints on your breakfast table..."
"Yes, yes, all right Morgana you've made your point!" He almost howled, cringing.
She smiled triumphantly and said, "So you see I will have nothing to miss."
"Well you will after tonight, won't you?"
Morgana laughed out loud and said, "Modest, aren't we Pendragon?" And Arthur rolled his eyes "Just because you have the power to make most girls swoon by looking at them, it doesn't mean I'm one of them. I'm not your average Princess," she reminded him with a grin.
He laughed and nodded in silent agreement.
Feeling happier that the mood had at least been lightened, Morgana finally felt the courage to ask what had been niggling and scaring her all evening. Well, probably for longer, but it was only tonight and especially now that she really thought about it. Her expression fell down as if under the influence of gravity alone and not the muscles in her face.
"Arthur..." she asked hesitantly and he looked up, searching her face.
"What is it?" He asked.
"It's um... well... I mean... oh God!" She said, feeling terribly embarrassed, but managed to compose herself to say, "I mean... not that I... well... does it hurt?"
Arthur actually swore he could feel tears welling up in his still open eyes. He had never seen Morgana so bare and open, and she really seemed so frightened. And the worst thing was that he could do nothing about it. He had no idea what to answer or advise. He wasn't a girl, and he had never been with a virgin. Well, there had been Merlin, but obviously that was a different experience completely.
He tried to consider Merlin's nerves during their first time, that being the only possible comparison he could give her, but all he could remember was loving him through it, and it had been enough.
"I... well... I mean, think... I think it's different for ever girl... I've never been with a... well..." he paused, and then told her "I promise you I'll be gentle, ok? I'll take care of you, Gana."
And she managed to meet his protective gaze, and felt herself surrender to him emotionally. She would have to if she were to be brave enough to get through tonight. But Arthur was a little weary of the surrender in her eyes. They now seemed to be laced with a thin layer of gold, her magic obviously surrendering with her. And then a thicker layer of absolute trust that frightened him right down to his very senses.
"I know," she said, the very beginnings of a bittersweet smile creeping onto her mouth.
Arthur gave almost an awkward sigh and looked behind him, trying to in a way break the new layer of ice forming.
"Would you like some ale?" He asked, pointing at the jug and tumblers that were laid out for the two of them on the table.
Morgana made a slightly sour face and answered, "You know I'm not too fond of ale, Arthur- I only drink it if I'm really thirsty."
Arthur got up and went for the ale anyway, pouring some into both tumblers and bringing it back to the bed.
"This is a different kind of ale," he explained. "It's called wedding ale... they tell me it's good," he coaxed, holding out the tumbler towards her, and she took it, trusting him that it would taste nice.
She took one swig and hating herself for subconsciously admitting Arthur was right. The ale was sweeter, perhaps a little stickier than usual ale, but that didn't take away from the pleasant texture and feeling on her tongue as it ran down the back of her throat.
"This is good," she answered after she had drunk some. "Not like regular ale at all, you were right."
Arthur smiled and took the tumbler from her hand, setting it down somewhere and he took both her hands.
"It's time, don't you think?" he asked, and it thrilled Morgana to hear that it was definitely a question. He would never have expected this of her, despite what everyone else wanted, and he had really asked her permission. Of course, she thought, because that was the kind of man he was. Selfless and caring. No wonder Merlin was more in love with him than himself.
She managed, with all the courage in her, to lean in slightly to kiss Arthur, and feeling totally foolish that it was Morgana who was making the first move, Arthur realised he had to meet her half way, and that was how the two of them ended up kissing for the first time.
It wasn't unpleasant... of course it wasn't, Arthur still found women extremely attractive, even if he was in love with Merlin and there would be no room in his heart for anyone else.
And Arthur was confused. He was confused as to whether it would be wise to think about Merlin to help arouse him for this, or better to keep him out of his thoughts to avoid the guilt and the mental image that threatened to haunt him of Merlin's painful tears.
He hoped that for the time being, Morgana herself would be enough to make him capable of completing his duty tonight. After all, it's not like he hadn't found her extremely beautiful and enchanting, even up until recent years, but it seemed that ever since Merlin had come to Camelot, his thoughts had been on one track, excluding the embarrassing confusion he had gone through with Gwen.
It seemed that in his thoughts, Arthur had completely by passed the few minutes which it took him to take his nightshirt off and for them to lay side by side on the bed, kissing softly.
He still wasn't hard. And of course, he needed to be hard. And it was at this point that he really pitied his own sex- or more specifically the royal male sex. As much as he felt for women who were put in a position to have sex with these men, what if the man didn't love them? What if he wasn't attracted to them? What if he was in love with someone else and had to marry and be able to lie with another woman to give her a child. It was only now that he understood it all.
He tried to push any selfish thoughts of himself to the back of his mind and focus on the task of relaxing Morgana and making sure she wasn't any more scared that she already was.
He paused for a minute to look at her andsmiled, stroking her face, trying to calm her.
"I just... I'm so sorry Morgana, but I have to..." he suddenly felt so foolish and embarrassed and resulted to making an awkward hand gesture.
She smiled and said, "It's ok..." and motioned for him to turn his back to her. He smiled at her gratefully and shuffled so he was turned away from her and sighed as he willed his body to relax against the soft bed sheets.
Before he touched himself, he tried to picture Merlin. His sweet, lovely face, pressed up behind his neck instead of Morgana. He wasn't sure if this was an unfair thought, but it was the only way.
He tried to imagine Merlin's breath on the shell of his ear like when they spooned this way sometimes. Pictured his soft, delicate hand drifting over his slightly more relaxed shoulders. He sighed at this mental image, forcing his mind to move Merlin's imaginary hands to move down his sides and for his lips to nip at his earlobe, teasing but affectionate.
Next, Merlin's lips moved to his neck, sighing first, then kissing, and Arthur actually reached behind blindly, caught up in his fantasy enough, that he had to fight the bitter sting of tears when he felt thin, cold air, rather than Merlin's warm, mop of ridiculous hair.
He immediately took his hand away reluctantly, trying not to embarrass himself in front of Morgana, and he pictured Merlin's hands travel further south, and that's when Arthur finally began to palm at his crotch, pretending it was Merlin's own hand, that he was stroking him.
And then the epiphany hit him more violently than any sword as he realised that he wasn't feeling aroused in any way. It was perhaps this thought that would be his undoing, and he knew he should have pushed his curiosity back as soon as it appeared, but once it was in his head, he asked himself... if he were Merlin... what would his reaction be to all this.
If it were he who's lover was to be married tonight and to lie with another woman. He would probably put on a brave face. Of course he would, for Merlin, to keep him strong. Merlin had kept him strong throughout this... what if hehad just been pretending for Arthur?
Then on the actual evening, Arthur knew that he would lock himself in his chambers, going mad with the visual images flooding his senses of Merlin with someone else; his eyes quietly soaking the pillow.
And now there was no going back, he had to ask himself this- what would he react like thinking of Merlin in the arms of another woman? He closed his eyes and tried to picture it, just as he had pictured him with Arthur himself. It was a painful experiment, but one he knew was necessary for his own sanity if nothing else.
He saw her. Whoever she was, a nameless noble woman that Merlin would have had to marry if he were in Arthur's shoes. And he saw Merlin's guilty face, the same way Arthur was subconsciously feeling, and he saw her... on top of his Merlin... riding him...
And Arthur was filled with such guilt and grief that this "fantasy" may have just been an experiment for Arthur, but Merlin couldn't just snap out of it when it hurt him. Because for him it was real. Real and painful, and everything Arthur had felt in that split second, and he knew that no matter how many lies Merlin told, he had felt that too...
"Oh God!" Arthur wanted to scream to himself but it came out as nothing more than a weighted sigh, taking his hands away and placing them on either side of his head as if he were a madman. "What... oh my God!" He repeated, turning back to Morgana, who seemed to be contemplating her own conscience if her concentration and the hint of tears in her eyes was anything to go by.
She turned to Arthur, eyes fully teary now, as if they had been struck by a similar thought.
"I can't... I should... oh my God, Morgana, I can't, I..."
She shook her head and said, "I can't either, I can't... I can't..."
"... do it to him..." Arthur finished, tears welling up in his own eyes "Oh my God, what have we done... what..." but he couldn't finish because the terrified sobs, and he held out his arms for Morgana, who was also crying.
They were almost relieved tears at the fact that they hadn't done a terrible thing, but they both knew what the other was thinking- how could they possibly secure the Kingdom now?
"We'll find another way..." Arthur said, uncertainly. "We will find a way... I promise." And he stroked Morgana's hair as she lay pliant in his arms.
After a few minutes of silence, Morgana spoke up, suddenly feeling very embarrassed.
"Um... Arthur?" she said hesitantly.
"Hmm?" He answered, too wrapped up in his own thoughts to reply properly.
"Um... they, uh... that is..." she stammered, feeling very inarticulate right now.
"What is it?" Arthur asked.
"Um... the guards all along the corridor... um... they'll be listening... and they won't have heard anything..."
Arthur rolled his eyes in frustration and realised she was right, but the last thing he wanted when he was this emotional was to create a parody of his wedding night, but he scooped Morgana into a cuddle and decided just to go along with it.
"Oh!" He moaned probably not realistically and he realised he would have to try harder, and he started panting instead.
Morgana soon followed his lead and began to pant, followed by short breathy moans, which encouraged Arthur to get louder as well. He was sure he heard his name moaned there somewhere, but he was too distracted by the reality that this could have been real and he could have actually betrayed Merlin tonight.
The fake moans went on for another five minutes to at least make it semi believable before Arthur moaned something about not being able to last and groaned loudly, almost making Morgana giggle immaturely.
When the two of them were relaxing in the 'afterglow', Arthur put his hands around Morgana and whispered, "We will make this right," not at all sure if they would.
END OF BOOK 2
Ok, I know I said I wouldn't bother with excuses, and I'm not, but I am sooooooo sorry guys! I know I left you in a really cruel place before the holidays and I swear I was writing this as often as I could, but as you can see, this chapter has over 8000 words and is full of angst, so it was really hard on me :(
So I wonder how many of you guessed that Arthur and Morgana wouldn't go through with it, hmmmm? Well I knew all along muahaha! As you can see, the three of them still care so much for each other, and that's something that doesn't change at all, so I hope that will make you guys happy- sorry for so much Leon/Morgana angst- I can't help it ^^
Ok, this is kinda important, so please read. In about... I'd say 3 chapters time, I will be introducing a new charatcer. He will be one of the knights of the round table, and he's been in the plans for a very long time. Unfortunatelly, BBC seemed to have the same ideas as me, and have decided to introduce the SAME knight in "Merlin" in next week's episode :( Just to let you know, I am NOT trying to base my character on the one created by the BBC, so please don't be all "ooo he's acting OOC" coz I didn't know he was gonna be in Merlin. This was actually meant to be a surprise, but I had to clear this up :( You can pretend that you didn't see it coming, yeah xD
So as you might have guessed from the end note, the next chappie will be a prologue- sorry! I know it's a tease to you guys, but trust me, it's not gonna be a picnic to write, seeing as I still have to decide on one of my many ideas. Don't worry, it won't take long to write, but I just need to decide.
So I'm "back" loyal readers and I hope I've redeemed myself enough for you to keep reading :)
