I automatically wake up the next morning ready to go to school before the entirety of yesterday hits me and I lay back down.
I can hear my mother moving downstairs in the kitchen but I'm just not ready to face her just yet.
I lay there, watching the morning sky shift from early morning darkness to a light gray. There really isn't any reason for me to immediately get up without school. Laying down and not having school should be comforting but instead it's giving me too much time inside my own head to think. I sit up and lean against my head board, debating if I should just wait for my mom to leave for work before daring to leave my room.
The cell phone in my bag chimes.
My heart pounds in my chest. What if it's the naked photos of me finally somehow reaching this phone? I don't want to see them again. I don't need to see them again. I was there.
It chimes a little longer to let me it isn't just a text but a phone call. I hesitate, wondering if maybe Camille or Adrian somehow got this number and now they're trying to harass me. I let it ring and climb out of bed. My ankle doesn't hurt anymore than the rest of me does. I'm one big throbbing open wound that just wont seem to heal.
I never have long of a break between the chaos in my life to even think about healing.
I make it to the bathroom to wash my face and then hobble down to the kitchen. My mother is leaning her hands on the counter, staring down at her coffee like she doesn't know what to do next.
She doesn't look up until I'm pulling out a chair that scrapes against the floor.
"Hey. How'd you sleep?"
It sounds like such a normal question. It should be a normal question. I almost tell her that I had trouble falling immediately asleep because I was trying to keep track of how many beers she had and listening to her sob after I heard the third beer open.
"Fine," I answer instead. "You?"
She just nods. Her hair is out of it's natural disarray, laying everywhere on her head and her waitressing uniform looks neatly pressed and freshly washed. She keeps running her hands down the front as if to make sure it's there.
She notices me staring at her and she tries to manage a nice smile. It doesn't work. Instead, she picks up her coffee with both hands and bores her eyes down onto the counter.
"Umm...Officer Alto left a message on my phone," she says gesturing with an inclination of her head to where her phone is laying on the opposite end of the counter like she's too afraid to even be near it or look at it. "I haven't called him back yet and he wants me too. He wants both of us to."
I wonder if that was him calling earlier on my phone.
"W-we should call him back...maybe he'll have some advice about finding a good but affordable lawyer. And then, you told me last night that you have to be examined at the hospital..."
She listing things, making plans in her head. This is her way of trying to get things in order, of starting to help me. This is the version of my mom I've been waiting for and that I'm use to. But I can see it's still a lot for her to handle.
So I make a decision.
"I'll take care of it."
She looks up from where she's clutching her coffee mug so tightly that her knuckles are white. Her green eyes are surprised.
"I'll take care of things. This is small stuff I can handle," I clarify. "I'll call Officer Alto too and tell him you have a few things to deal with at work. Just don't worry about it right now. Ok? I've got it right now. I can handle this while you go to work."
She looks sad.
We both know that she should be be the one taking care of these things or at least helping but neither of us points it out. Right now, it's enough for me that she even bothered to offer.
"Ok," she nods, letting out a slow breath that she'd apparently been holding.
We're standing in silence for a moment, me still waiting for my hug and forehead kiss and her waiting for...I don't know what. I decide to help her out a little more.
"You should probably get to work," I remind her.
She looks confused for a second, like she's completely forgotten about work, before nodding as her curls bob up and down.
"Yeah, work. I'll try and be home early, okay?"
I nod as she gathers up her cell phone with a trembling hand and her bag and sweater. As she walks by me on her way to the front door, she pauses as if considering whether or not to give me the hug and forehead kiss I'm waiting for. She barely wraps her arm around my shoulder and gives it a small squeeze along with a barely there smile before she's gone.
It happens so quick and awkwardly, I'm just about ready to cry.
I've cried enough for now though.
I decide that I'm not hungry and start to head up stairs when I notice the full pack of empty beer bottles in the trash. I tell myself that this is just her way of coping and continue upstairs. My cell phone is ringing when I reach my bedroom.
I lean against the closed door for a second, letting it ring. I climb back into the warmth and comfort of my bed and pull the covers up as I lean against the headboard.
I take a deep breath and consider letting it ring again until it stops. When it stops and starts up again, I lean over the side of bed and pull it out of my bag.
Dimitri's name flashes across the screen.
Relief floods through me and I rest against the headboard almost smiling at this little bit of relief.
"Hey," I answer, letting out a slow relieved breath.
"Is everything alright?"
I realize my greeting must've sounded weird, a little strained. I start nodding before realizing he can't see me from the other end of the phone.
"Yeah, I'm fine...I was just...I thought that maybe the texts with the photos of me were being sent to me or that Camille or Adrian had somehow gotten my number. I'm just relieved to hear it's you."
"It's a relief to hear from you too," he responds and I can practically hear a smile in his voice. I realize he's talking about the fact that I never let him know that things went okay after talking to my mother. It's because things didn't go okay.
"Yeah, I'm sorry."
I think about telling him how everything went, of telling him that by letting my mother in on everything going on with me that I broke her. I could tell him and he'd understand and give me some of that comforting Zen advice that he's so often offering up.
Before I can think about what to say, I suddenly hear footsteps up the stairs and making their way down the hall. My heart flies into my throat and fear fills my stomach as I worry that it's an intruder or an attacker...maybe Adrian and his friends coming back to give me a permanent warning.
Dimitri must sense my hesitance or that something's off because I haven't answered because he says my name again. "Is everything alright?"
Before I can respond, my bedroom door opens and I relax at the sight that it's just my mother standing with the coffee thermos she hasn't used in years in her hand.
She looks a little surprised to find me on the phone.
"I-I thought you left for work already."
She recovers form her surprise and nods. "I did but I forgot my...this...for my coffee. I came up because I realized I don't have your cell phone number in case of emergencies."
"I'll call and leave it on your cell," I tell her feeling like she should have been the first one to have the number.
I feel like even though she'll have my number and I have hers...she wouldn't be the first person I'd call if I'm in trouble.
She nods. "Ok." She's standing there for a second longer as if waiting for me to tell her who I'm talking to.
"It's just Dimitri."
She looks disappointed by this. "Ok," she says again.
Before I can say anything else, she leaves though.
I let out a sigh of relief, forgetting for a second Dimitri's still on the other line.
"Everything alright?"
It's a question I'm getting a little too accustomed to being asked. It should irritate me by now. Instead it's comforting because I realize that my mother never once asked me if I was alright. It's nice knowing there's someone that cares in this moment.
I start to tell him "I'm fine" and I'm sure he's expecting it. Instead, I remember all of the errands I have to do, seeing the doctor, bringing my old clothes...I need to get out of this house. I need to get away and not be so alone with all my thoughts.
"Are you busy today?"
"No, just planning on sticking around the gym for a while. I feel like I've been abandoning it. Why, what do you need?"
I hate asking him for more favors, of expecting him to be ready to help me at a moments' notice but I know he will and I need it. The thought of getting out of the house and not being so alone urges me on to ask for my favor.
"Actually, I could use a ride."
