Author's Note: This may be a tissue chapter, just sayin'
Twenty One: Everything
"Fuck!" I cradled one hand in the other, gritting my teeth against the burn from the stove.
"Isabella Swan!" My mother scolded from behind me. "Watch your language, young lady."
"But mom," I whined, turning on the faucet. "It really-,"
"But nothing, I won't have that kind of talk in my house." She crossed her arms as if to say, and that's final.
*~*~*~*
"How well did you know my mother?"
A crease formed between Edward's eyebrows as he read into what I was asking. "Bella…not like that." He made a face and I wanted to smile, but I still couldn't.
I sat crossed legged on the bed while Edward leaned against the headboard. "That's not really what I meant…," although it was comforting to know. "I mean," I wasn't sure what I meant, but I felt protective of my mother and her memory and I was angry. There was a part of her I didn't know that Edward did, something he hadn't told me. "What don't I know?" I realized, watching his expression change, that this was that last piece he'd been keeping from me.
He looked hurt, not by me, but by whatever it was he was thinking. I wondered what kinds of things he was remembering.
*~*~*~*
July 29th, 2009
I stood in the hallway because I couldn't go into my mother's bedroom again. To look at her, it was like seeing her already dead. She was so frail I could have picked her up myself and her pale skin that used to gleam was like clay now. I could almost count the bones in her hands. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed to a God I wasn't even sure I believed in. Please, she's my mom, you can't take her yet.
I turned the doorknob and entered quietly, it was so dark in the room without the blinds open that I could never tell if she was asleep or not, or worse. It terrified me to walk in there every day. I stopped just past the doorway, waiting for my eyes to adjust and listening desperately for the sound of her breathing. Please, I need her.
"Baby?"
Tears pricked my eyes at the overwhelming relief. I moved to sit at her bedside; I grabbed the lotion bottle from the nightstand because I need to do something. She always had the softest hands. I rubbed some of the cream between mine and then started with her right one. I rubbed my fingers into her palms, moving them in a slow circle up to her fingertips; I made a second pass and when I was finished, I switched to her other hand.
"I want to go for a walk on the beach," she said in her new, quiet voice after a while. It made everything she said sound like tears.
I set my hands in my lap. "Mom, I don't think that's such a good idea." I didn't want to wonder aloud if she could even get out of bed; the thought sent a new round of fear spiking through me.
She made a soft clucking noise at me.
"Mom, I just don't -,"
"Bella," she said, scolding. And then her expression changed to one of pity. "Always so afraid."
"I, I'm not afraid. I just think you should stay here."
She smiled part way and for a second I saw her the way she used to be. "Stay for what? The view?"
My lips curved up, "well, no…I could open the blinds," I offered.
"I won't see anything," she stopped and swallowed slowly, "they're behind me."
"It's going to be dark soon, you'll…catch a chill," it sounded pathetic even to me.
"Baby," she said, the rest of the statement was implied. I'm dying. She stretched her fingers out so I took her hand. "If I don't go now, when will I?"
I looked up, trying to blink back tears. "Mom…,"
Phil walked in then and I quickly wiped my free hand under my eyes. He was carrying a heavy looking flannel blanket; I stood up and backed away a couple of steps to give him room for whatever he was doing. "Hey baby," he cooed at her. "Here," he put his hands under her and helped her sit up while simultaneously wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. They shared a look that made me move my gaze to the floor. "Ok," he said after a moment. He picked her up like she weighed nothing, "Bella, will you fix this?"
I moved blankly, tucking the sides of the blanket over her. "What are you doing?" I asked after a beat.
"She wants to go on a walk; I'm taking her on a walk."
My mom smiled serenely and reached a hand out to grasp his shirt.
"But, I don't -," I sputtered. I moved aside as they passed and then followed behind. I stopped when Phil opened the front door.
"We'll be back in a little while." He gave me a small smile, it's ok.
I watched them from the bay window in the living room and saw what she never had with my father. They were so in love, it wasn't fair. Please, I prayed again. For him then.
He carried her down the beach to the shore, stopping when his bare feet hit the water. I kept watching, though I felt like an intruder. He smiled and said something and my mom tipped her head back and laughed. She looked like herself again and I understood that that was how Phil would always see her. Vibrant and light and smart and fun and so alive. He turned in a slow circle like they were dancing and she didn't look afraid, she looked happy.
I turned away from it and cried.
*~*~*~*
Once Edward started talking, he didn't stop for a long time. He told me about breaking up with his girlfriend, and how my mom was there, trying to make him feel better though they barely knew each other. She told him silly blonde jokes and said Tanya wasn't the one for him. He talked about his book and how he'd given up on it until Renee came into his life. He mentioned the promise he made to finish it and how he hated himself a little for not keeping it. He said she got him the typewriter.
He touched my bent knee idly with the backs of his fingers. "She…I don't know, she believed in – everything, you know?"
It was so obvious to me now that she would take him in, in a way. She loved people. It was just her. "She believed in you."
*~*~*~*
"That's how you knew it was my birthday?" I'd wondered about that.
He grinned, "yeah, she told me the gum story too," he played with the ends of my hair and I flushed deeply. "Personally, I prefer it the way it is now," he tugged a little on the strands he was holding and I leaned over to kiss him.
*~*~*~*
"I don't know how she did it," he said. "She's just the kind of person you want to talk to."
"Yeah," I agreed. Renee had a knack for attracting people to her, everyone wanted to be around her to see what kinds of things she would say or do. They always had a story after spending time with her.
"I guess…she didn't judge you, she just told you the truth…,"
I nodded, "she was usually right."
*~*~*~*
"She treated me like I was worth it…to be around. I – I don't remember feeling like that before." He looked at our joined hands.
"You are worth it."
*~*~*~*
"You mean you didn't know?" I asked, frowning. How could my mom not tell him she was sick?
"No, your stepdad told me," his jaw looked tight, but after a minute his face relaxed, if only slightly. "I get it though, I think. I didn't at first." He paused, "she just wanted to feel like herself."
I nodded. If Edward didn't know she was sick, he wouldn't treat her like a sick person. On the phone with him was probably the only time she felt normal. I thought of the way I'd treated her, like glass, once I found out, and it only got worse as time went on. I tried not to think things like, if I could only go back.
*~*~*~*
"I left the day I found out and just drove…I wound up in some town in California."
His voice had taken on the distant quality one uses when they're trying to be objective, or trying not to get emotional. I played with his hands and waited for him to keep going.
"I didn't really do anything…I drank a lot and stayed in this really crappy motel. I tried to forget about the house, I just – couldn't be here." His eyebrows came together and he swallowed hard. "I threw it into the ocean," he said it to himself. "I don't know why…,"
I frowned, not understanding. "You threw what into the ocean?" I watched his face start to crumple and it broke my heart a little.
"My book - I threw it away Bella. I promised your mom I'd finish it and I threw it away."
I pulled him as close as I could; he wrapped his arms around me and cried.
*~*~*~*
"I figured someone was going to get the house, I just thought it was going to be Phil. When I saw you here…you were in Renee's house, using her shower, I saw your stuff downstairs," he shook his head. "I kind of lost it."
My mouth curved up a little, "I remember." I squeezed his hand.
"It was…I thought you were a stranger. I had no idea you were her daughter until you came down to talk to me on the porch, when you got mad and said your mom had…," he paused and brought my hand up to his mouth; he kissed my palm. "I thought…I mean, it looked like someone had come in there and taken over, some person that had no idea…," he stopped talking, lost in whatever thoughts he was having.
"It's ok, Edward. Most of the time I feel like that's what I'm doing here – stomping around on her memory."
"You're not."
*~*~*~*
"Well…," he sighed and rubbed his eyes. It was very late and we were both tired, but something had finally opened up and I think we were both afraid it wouldn't be there in the morning. "It didn't really have anything to do with you, exactly…," he looked uncertain.
I lay down and he put an arm around me automatically; I slipped a leg over one of his and waited for him to start again.
"It was that you were her daughter. You were…a part of her and I just didn't want to be around her life anymore. You were just this…reminder."
I felt his eyes on me like he was gauging my reaction. I kept quiet.
"And I wanted you, I thought I could…just…get you out of my system, I'm sorry," he added quickly.
Surprisingly, I understood.
"I was just going to move out actually," he said after a second. "When I realized I really liked you, it was – I don't know, too much." He said quietly, "I was sick of always being left behind. I didn't want to get attached to you."
"I'm glad you didn't leave."
He kissed the top of my head, "me too." He murmured, "I'm sorry I took all of it out on you."
"You're already forgiven."
We were quiet for a while; I thought he'd fallen asleep before he spoke again. "You're a lot like her…in some ways."
"I'm not," I adjusted so I was on my back; I stared at the ceiling and tried not to think. "People keep telling me that."
"I think…that's why you try so hard to be normal…,"
"What?" I stiffened, feeling the tension in my shoulders.
"What are you afraid of?"
I huffed, thinking at the same time – nothing, and pretty much everything.
He turned onto his side to look at me. "You don't live in her shadow, you know," he traced my profile with the tip of his index finger, my eyes watered. I don't know if it sunk in right then, but I knew he'd started something with that sentence.
I fell asleep late that night thinking of how I'd tried so hard my whole life not to be like Renee. But I was her daughter and just maybe, she'd given me some of her goodness and just maybe, I didn't have to be afraid of it.
"Mom," I whined, trying not to show her how terrified I was, "I want to stay on this side." I stood up to my knees in Gran's pond, absolutely unwilling to go any further.
My mom was so far out her feet didn't touch the ground; I watched her bob lightly in the water. "Oh Bella, you're never going to learn to swim if you don't try." She smiled, bemused, and went under the water, resurfacing a few seconds later closer to shore. The water was about chest high. "Just come out this far," she stretched her hands out toward me.
It was really hot that day and I could feel the skin on my shoulders close to burning; the water looked very cool. "Will you catch me?" I asked, taking a half step out.
"Of course I will, baby."
I watched her carefully as I stepped forward into the deeper water, afraid that she'd start backing up or something. She didn't.
She smiled again. "Ok," she said, "just like I taught you."
When I was far enough, I felt weightless. I lifted my feet and kicked frantically, half panicked and half exhilarated. And then I started swallowing water.
"Oh!" Suddenly, I felt her cool hands under my arms, lifting me up higher. I wrapped my legs around her and she hitched me up on her hip like she hadn't done in a long time; I don't think she'd even be able to if we weren't in the water. She rubbed my back with one hand and I coughed. She chuckled, "are you alright?"
I wiped my mouth. "Why do I have to learn to swim?" I said petulantly.
"Well…I'm going to tell you something Gran used to say to me. Listen," she looked down at me, her eyes bright, "are you listening?"
I nodded.
"Girl, live your life like it's the only one you've got." She looked at me seriously, her gaze moving over my face.
I watched her watch me. Finally, I frowned. "I don't get it."
She laughed. "Bella, you will some day."
When I woke up, Edward was awake already, facing me; he moved some hair from in front of my eyes so I could see. The light from the window set off the bronze in his hair; it turned his eyes greener and I thought he'd never looked more handsome. He smiled at me sleepily. "I love you."
He closed his eyes and I touched his face, running my thumb over his brow bone. "I love you."
*~*~*~*
Hey mom, I still miss you every day.
But I think I get it now, sorry it took me so long.
Love you.
Author's Note: Hi to everyone and thanks for reading. All that's left is the epilogue!
