AiyanaMiyuki: Yep, L's alive, at least for the moment ;)

PianoCatRulez: Well...maybe he will

Cloudcuckulander: Heh, thanks :D

Dennis Nedry: Thanks XD And oh god yeah, I've heard of Sherlock – at least if you're talking about the BBC version as opposed to the American remake. I love it, am counting the days until Series 3 and even started a Sherlock fanfic (which I must get around to updating...right at the beginning, this storywas originally planned as a Sherlock/Death Note crossover; as you can see, the concept changed quite a lot =P)


JUNE 25

There was no change. Soichiro sat by L's bed for the rest of the night, sometimes speaking, most of the time in silence, always hoping. He kept his ears strained for the slightest change in L's breathing, or a flicker of an eyelid, or something that would indicate the young man was still in there.

What if he's not? What if it's only those machines keeping him alive? If I were to remove that oxygen mask, Ryuzaki, could you breathe without it?

Not that he planned to experiment, of course.

Is this how you thought it would end? When you first sent me that email from Aomori at the beginning of the month, did you think you'd end up taking a bullet for me?

Soichiro sat there, staring at L's pale face, his heart squeezing painfully inside his chest.

"You've come a long way in the last month, Ryuzaki. A very long way. I've never been prouder of anyone in my life and that's the truth. And I don't think you only contacted me because you wanted a ride to Osaka," Soichiro added with a sudden burst of insight. Living with L had taught him how obstinate the young man was when it came to his own health. "I think that having had someone around you twenty four seven, you couldn't handle being homeless and cut off from everyone. No one talks to homeless people, not really. I think you were desperate for some kind of human contact." He sighed. "Very desperate, considering you believed that asking me for help would get you forced back into the life you so badly wanted to leave behind. I suppose you didn't quite know what to do with yourself when you weren't working."

Of course, the work wouldn't have taken away the guilt L suffered, but it would have distracted him from it. Without that work, Soichiro thought that L had had no choice but to remember the guilt until it crushed him and forced him to finally send out a last, desperate plea for rescue to the only person out of all the thousands he'd helped who he thought might respond.

Because of the blanket. One simple act that Soichiro hadn't even thought about. Had forgotten about, until L mentioned it. The young man had finally fallen asleep through sheer exhaustion, and Soichiro had wrapped a blanket around him because, well, that was what you did. Apparently it had meant a lot more to the kid than that.

Yeah. The first time someone went out of their way to consider his needs and feelings without demanding something in return...you bet it meant a lot to him.

Are you saying he decided to take a bullet for me because I gave him a lousy blanket?

No, I think he did that because you took him into your home, you earned his trust and you're always there for him no matter what. I doubt he's met many people like you, so of course he's going to want to keep you around. Besides, to his way of thinking, you'd be missed a lot more than he would, therefore it's only logical that he be the one to die.

"He is not going to die!" Soichiro spoke aloud, savagely. Glancing up to the ceiling, he added in a lower voice, "You can't have him, Ryuk. Do you hear me? You can't have him." He wasn't sure what made him invoke Ryuk of all gods, but he supposed it was a whole lot easier to believe in and speak to a god you'd already seen and interacted with as opposed to one you hadn't.

Looking down again, his gaze fell on the envelope he'd placed on the nightstand. He stretched out a hand toward it, hesitated, then thought Screw it and picked it up. Already knowing what he was going to find, Soichiro opened the envelope, took out the letter inside and began to read.

Yagami-san,

If you are reading this, then I am dead and you are not. Writing this now, I don't know how I'll die, but I hope it was quick. And I hope it made a difference in some way.

There are a few things I would like done. You've helped me greatly already – more than you may realize – but I would be very grateful if you could ensure that the following things happen:

One: Aizawa, Sanami and Ukita, wherever he is, get a ten percent share of the money in my bank account. Another ten percent is to go to Maki Nikaido, who you've never met but who I believe to be still residing somewhere in Osaka. Of the remaining sixty percent, twenty is to go to Matsuda and forty to yourself.

Two: The old HQ is yours, on the condition that those already living there (ie, Matsuda and Aizawa) be allowed to remain, at least until their rental contract is up.

Three: Matsuda gets ownership of the apartment he's currently living in.

Four: Aizawa doesn't because he called me a freak and he doesn't like me anyway. He still gets his ten percent of the money though. And no, he can't have his key money back.

Five: Takahashi gets my bike.

Six: The rest of my stuff such as books and movies are up for whoever wants them.

Seven: I was going to tell you about this once the case had been solved, but it looks like that's no longer an option. I've bought a house in Yokosuka. Well, sort of bought a house. I'm waiting for the paperwork to be finalized. Please don't be angry at me for not telling you; I fully intended to, but I was never sure of the right time. I thought catching a murderer was more important than discussing real estate.

I wasn't sure whether to give the house to you, Maki or Matsuda, but then I thought that Matsuda will already have an apartment and you'll have an entire apartment block so it can go to Maki. You're a fair-minded man, Yagami-san, so I'm sure you'll understand.

Eight: In this envelope is the photograph of Hitomi, along with the necklace I told you about. It's okay for you to look if you want to but I don't want anybody else seeing them. If you're not comfortable letting me keep the necklace, seeing Hitomi didn't technically give it to me, then please be kind enough to return it to her family in Nara. Please let me keep the photograph though. It's all I've ever had.

Nine: I want to be scattered, not buried. Allow me to reiterate: I do NOT want to be buried. You know why. Also, please don't scatter all of me; I'd like a little bit to stay with you.

There's been so much I've wanted to say to you over the last few weeks, but have never been able to summon up the courage to do so. Maybe you know a lot of it already though.

Please consider this to be my last will and testament. I trust you to make sure it's all carried out; you're the best, most honest man I've ever met. I wish I could have known you for longer.

-Ryuzaki

Soichiro folded the letter and slid it back into the envelope, his eyes smarting.

It's not going to come to that, Ryuzaki. I won't let it. You hear me? You just keep fighting.

For want of anything better to do and certainly not because he was curious, not at all, Soichiro felt around in the envelope until his fingers located a smaller, slick object and took it out.

The picture had been shredded both horizontally and vertically. Soichiro could see that L had done his very best to put it back together as neatly as he could using copious amounts of sellotape, which accounted for the slippery feel of it. Even L hadn't been able to get it perfect, however, and the photo had a rather mosaic look about it. The deputy director couldn't make out the background – perhaps a futon? – but Hitomi's picture was clear enough: a girl in her twenties with a thick mane of hair, wearing a gauzy light blue and beige dress. She wasn't what you would call classically beautiful, but she was quite pretty and there was a keen intelligence and vivacity about her that was obvious even in the photo.

"She's lovely, Ryuzaki. I can see why you were so close to her. You can certainly keep the photo and the necklace; I'm sure she would have wanted you to have them. Besides, it's not really an issue since you aren't dead." The deputy director reached out and took hold of L's hand in the hopes that the physical contact might elicit some kind of response.

Nothing. L remained as lifeless as ever.

"You can't die now, Ryuzaki. You're just starting to get your life together. You've still got to choose and buy all those DVDs and books that you wanted, and there are too many people here who want you to come back. Not just me, but Sachiko, and Sayu, and Matsuda. Even Aizawa's rooting for you...sort of," Soichiro amended. "And you know, I've been thinking. If you're not going to use the headquarters for its original purpose again, then you could convert one of the apartments or investigation rooms into a library. Put in a good lamp, a few comfortable chairs, floor to ceiling bookshelves and there you go. Your own private sanctuary. Of course, that's just a suggestion; if you don't want to do it, that's fine too."

L gave no sign of wanting to do it or not; his eyes remained closed and his face – what little could be seen of it around the mask – expressionless.

"You said that there are a lot of things you wanted to tell me. There's something I've wanted to tell you too, Ryuzaki, for a long time. I just never quite knew how to put it into words. I know you told me back in that other hospital that I always know what to say, but that's really not true. I'm not sure why I'm saying it now, except perhaps it's a lot easier to talk to you when you can't explode or get upset." Soichiro paused, trying to get his thoughts in order. "The nurse said there would probably be some amnesia when you wake up, so I don't know if you'll remember any of these conversations, if you can even hear them. But if you can, then I hope you remember this one, because what I'm about to tell you is vital for your own happiness and peace of mind."

The deputy director paused again, partly to find the right words and partly – it has to be said – for dramatic effect.

"Ryuzaki, it's alright for you to be human. It's alright for you not to be perfect. Being perfect is impossible, since everyone in the world has different ideas of perfection and no one person could ever live up to all of them. To tell you the truth, I really wouldn't want you to be any different to the way you are now, even if you are terminally stubborn," Soichiro couldn't help adding. "Just please wake up now. Please."


"Yagami-bucho?"

The voice was soft, and strangely familiar even through the fog of sleep. Soichiro mumbled something under his breath, but didn't open his eyes.

"Yagami-bucho, please." A hand took hold of his shoulder and shook him. "You should get up."

Soichiro stirred. There was no ignoring that voice, hard as he tried. It was just too damn persistent, and the shaking didn't help.

Half turning his head, he forced his eyes open to stare at the person disturbing his rest, and hopes of it being L faded into smoke.

"Matsuda."

The young detective took his hand off Soichiro's shoulder and backed off a few steps, bowing apologetically. He was dressed in the same clothes he'd worn last night, although he now had a rather large black bag over one shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Yagami-bucho. I didn't want to wake you."

Soichiro straightened up a little, stretching and rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"If you didn't want to wake me, Matsuda, then why did you grab me by the shoulder and shake me?"

Matsuda bit his lip.

"I'm sorry," he said again, "but everyone in the department is waiting to hear how you feel it best to proceed with Ueda, and Takahashi's been on edge ever since last night." Pause. "Are you going to fire him, Yagami-bucho?"

"That depends. What he did last night wasn't just stupid, Matsuda, it was downright dangerous. How nobody else ended up having to go to the hospital alongside Ryuzaki, I'll never know."

Matsuda shifted his gaze to L's body and tightened his lips, shoulders tense.

"You know, he's always been so tired. I don't mean just sleepy, but more of a deep down weariness. Like he was going through the motions and only bothering to do that much because he couldn't see any way out." He shook his head, blinking. "I know...I know everyone in the NPA thinks I'm an idiot. I always wanted to be as smart as L, but now...I don't know. I think I'd rather be an idiot than be Ryuzaki." Matsuda swallowed, cleared his throat a little bit too loudly, then said in a husky voice, "Has there been any change at all?"

Soichiro shook his head. "None at all. What's in there, anyway?" as Matsuda unslung the bag from over his shoulder.

The younger man went red and opened it to reveal a laptop. Busying himself setting it up on the nightstand, he said in a low voice, "I thought he might like some music. People in comas can hear what's going on outside and if we can't be here all the time, it would give him something to listen to."

"How much can they hear?" the deputy director asked quietly.

"No one really knows. But a coma doesn't always equal unconsciousness. Sometimes people look like they're unconscious but they're just unable to respond. It's a bit like being completely paralyzed with your eyes shut. So I figured, if none of us are here, at least he can pass the time by listening to music. Yuki-chan also made me promise to bring her story CD for him to listen to. Have the nurses said anything?"

"They said..." Soichiro's voice was a lot quieter than usual. He coughed once or twice and then tried again. "They said they don't know when he's going to wake up, and that when he does he'll probably have some level of amnesia. And..." His voice faded into silence.

Several seconds ticked off the clock, then Matsuda said, "And...?"

The deputy director took a long, deep breath. "There's a possibility – no more than that, so don't panic just yet – but there's a possibility he may be brain-damaged."

"Brain-damaged?" Matsuda's voice quivered. "It—they can't. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair. He's been through so much already, surely he deserves a little luck?"

"Not everyone gets what they deserve, Matsuda." Soichiro paused. "You thought he was going to die, didn't you?"

Matsuda nodded once, lips drawn into a single tight line. "Yeah. I think...maybe that's why I pushed you out. Because I didn't know how you'd react if he did die right there, and there were a lot of civilians around. I mean, it's not like Light-kun, where we had a little warning." He sighed, rumpling his hair with one hand. "I'm sorry. I guess I screwed up again. The truth is that with an injury like that, I was expecting Ryuzaki to slip away at any moment."

"If he survives, he'll have you to thank for it. You're one of the most impulsive, hotheaded people I know, but you handle yourself very well in a crisis, Matsuda, and you did not screw up." Soichiro turned his head to stare at L again. He wanted nothing more than to remain by the young man's bedside until L woke up, but common sense reasserted itself and he got to his feet. L wouldn't be too impressed if he learned that the deputy director had sat around moping instead of closing the case, and Matsuda was right; they did have to do something about Ueda.

"Ryuzaki, I'm sorry but I have to go. Don't think I'm abandoning you, because I'm not; I will be back as often as I can, but it's now half past eleven in the morning and I have to be at work. We caught the leak. I'm not sure how many other suspects we got, but I really, really can't take today off. Matsuda will stay with you for a while, and I'll be back later. And when I do come back, I expect you to be conscious! I'll leave the strawberries, but if the doctors say you can't eat them, then don't. I'll check to make sure."

On an impulse he reached out and squeezed L's limp hand. "I don't know what time I'll be back, but I will be back. I promise. You just hold on."

The machines beeped at him. For the first time in his life, Soichiro really didn't want to go into work.

I should be here. He needs me.

"Yagami-bucho?" Matsuda's voice was soft, almost gentle. "It's alright. I'll stay with him, at least until I have to go and pick Yukiko up. Here." He held out the bag to Soichiro, who stared at it.

"What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Sayu-chan asked me to bring you some clean clothes. You can't go into the office dressed like that." Matsuda indicated Soichiro's casual attire. "There's some toiletries in there as well, in case you wanted a shower and a shave." There was a very faint note in Matsuda's voice which suggested the deputy director really should want both of those things before he stepped out of the hospital.

Soichiro took hold of the bag without any enthusiasm. "Thank you." His gaze sidled back to L and he felt one hand curl into a fist, not through anger so much as frustration. He should be able to do something for L!

"If there's any change, Matsuda, call me. I don't care what time it is, I don't care what I'm doing. If he so much as twitches an eyelash, I want to hear about it."

"Of course. Ah...I put you down as next of kin, Yagami-bucho. I wasn't sure what else to do. If I'm not here—"

"You'd better be here, Matsuda."

Matsuda met Soichiro's gaze and answered, "I have problems of my own to deal with."

The deputy director took a deep breath, then sighed. "Of course. I'm sorry. I was forgetting."

"Lucky you," Matsuda said tonelessly. "I'm sorry, Yagami-bucho. I can't afford to screw things up with Yukiko now. I'll stay as long as I possibly can, but I'll have to leave at some point. But if something does happen, like I said, you're down as next of kin. You'll be the first person the hospital contacts."

"Yes. Of course your own family should come first. There's nothing wrong with that." Nothing wrong, except I'll be out the loop from the moment that happens until I can get back here.

Soichiro headed toward the small bathroom, then glanced over his shoulder at L.

Ryuzaki, you better not die on me the moment my back's turned...

The atmosphere in the NPA when Soichiro arrived wasn't one he had ever encountered before; a kind of jubilation tempered with uncertainty. The fact that Aizawa had arrested Ueda had done wonders for morale, but word had also got round about L's sacrifice.

He strode into his office without a word to anyone and sat down behind his desk. There were three reports there and he pulled them toward him and stared at them without taking in a single word.

As he'd expected, they were the reports of last night's incident, filed by Sanami, Aizawa and Takahashi. The deputy director supposed rather sourly that Takahashi was trying to make up some of the ground he'd lost last night.

There was a tentative knock on his office door and Soichiro glanced up, irritated.

"Yes? What is it?"

The door opened and Takahashi himself stepped in, his manner very subdued but not cringing. There were faint rings under his eyes. Soichiro didn't suppose anyone who had been at the hotel had got any sleep last night.

"Yagami-bucho, about last night..." His voice tailed off. Sorry wasn't a big enough word for what had happened, and they both knew it.

At least he saved me the trouble of calling him in.

"Come over here." Soichiro indicated the front of his desk.

Takahashi obeyed, a rather desperate look in his eye.

Oh god, don't tell me he's going to perform dogeza. Soichiro had had one or two employees do that when they thought he was about to fire them, and it wasn't something he'd ever enjoyed.

It seemed Takahashi wasn't inclined to humble himself to that extent though; he bowed deeply but didn't go so far as to prostrate himself in front of his boss.

Soichiro stared at him in silence for a long moment before speaking.

"Takahashi, what you did last night was reckless beyond belief. Even Matsuda has more sense than to shoot at someone in a crowd." Of course, Soichiro admitted, if Matsuda did shoot at someone in a crowd then it was a pretty sure bet that he would hit them, but that wasn't the issue. "You realize I have every justification to fire you."

Takahashi went white but didn't say anything besides, "Yagami-bucho...I need this job."

"No you don't. You need a job, the same as everyone in Japan, but you don't need it to be here."

The silence between them stretched out, then the younger detective said in a very low voice, "Then please let me resign. I'll go quietly, but let me resign or I'll never be able to find another job except collecting the garbage or something."

Soichiro waited a few minutes longer, which was almost punishment enough in itself.

"No," he said flatly. "Takahashi, you are suspended pending a full and thorough inquiry into your actions. If there's even a whisper of trouble from you during that time, you will be summarily discharged."

"Am I under arrest?"

"Not yet, as I don't think you're guilty of anything besides getting carried away in the heat of the moment. I know nobody got hurt, but that was just luck. You must understand that I can't risk letting you back into any investigations until I'm satisfied in my own mind that I can trust you and that you won't make the same stupid mistake a second time. Now get the hell out of my department before I change my mind about firing you."

Takahashi hesitated. "Yagami-bucho, may I ask you something before I go?"

Soichiro stared at him coldly. "Be quick."

"How's Ryuzaki?"

The deputy director softened a very little at the genuine concern in Takahashi's voice.

"He still hasn't regained consciousness. Or he hadn't when I left him earlier on."

"Which hospital is he in?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Why?" Takahashi looked a little embarrassed. "Well...I like him, at least what little I know of him. And now I'm suspended, I have a lot of free time on my hands. If I can't be of any use here, at least I can go and keep Ryuzaki company."

"Are you sure you're not just going along to stake your claim on his bike?" Soichiro demanded. Takahashi was something of a mystery to the department, and the only thing everyone knew for certain about him was his passion for motorcycles.

The younger man straightened up slowly, looking the deputy director in the eye. "That's a very cruel accusation to make, Yagami-bucho. I know I screwed up big-time last night, but I had nothing to do with what happened to Ryuzaki, and being my boss doesn't give you the right to take it out on me."

They stared at each other for a long time, then Soichiro drew in a long, deep breath. He was suddenly very tired.

"No, it doesn't," he conceded. "That was out of line. I apologize." And L does seem to like you, since he made a point of leaving you his bike. "Ryuzaki's in Kofu National Hospital. Go and see him if you want to." As Takahashi bobbed back down again and turned toward the door, Soichiro added, "And leave your badge on my desk on the way out."

For a moment he thought Takahashi would be stupid enough to protest, then the younger man dragged his badge out of his pocket, stared at it for a few moments, and set it slowly down in front of Soichiro.

"Thank you. You're dismissed."

"When will I know about the—"

"I said you're dismissed, Takahashi."

Takahashi squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again, nodded once and strode out, closing the door very quietly behind him.

Soichiro pulled Aizawa's report toward him and stared at it without seeing it for several long minutes. All he could see was L. L, lying in that damn hospital bed with tubes sticking out of him and that mask over his face.

Ryuzaki, why? Of course, he and L had become a lot closer, especially since that time on the roof, and there was no denying that L had learned to trust and maybe even like him, but there had been nothing – nothing – in the young man's demeanor that Soichiro had noticed which would have indicated this level of devotion.

I never wanted that. Yes, of course I want loyalty from the people who work for me, but I don't want to be the sort of man that innocent people go around taking bullets for!

"Yagami-bucho?"

Soichiro glanced up and saw Aizawa standing in front of his desk.

"I'm sorry. I knocked, but you were probably too busy to hear me."

The deputy director brought one hand up and massaged the side of his head. "Don't made excuses for me, Aizawa. What do you want?"

The other man opened his mouth, then hesitated. "May I speak plainly?"

That couldn't be good. "Go on then."

"Yagami-bucho, you're in no fit state for any of this."

Oh well, I did say he could speak plainly.

"I'll be the judge of that, Aizawa." Soichiro turned the man's neatly written report around and slid it toward him. He didn't seem to have the energy to read it just then. "Summarize this for me."

"No one else in the hotel was hurt, a group of people made up of both wedding and hotel guests left shortly after Ryuzaki was shot but Sanami managed to detain one of them and, of course, we have Ueda in custody, although he's refusing to answer any questions without a lawyer."

"Tell that traitorous little worm that's just too bad. We have a confession, or as good as one, and that's all we need to convict him."

Aizawa nodded. "Yes, but he wants to trade names in exchange for immunity. To be honest, Yagami-bucho, I don't see how we're going to get the mastermind without those names, not now Ryuzaki's out of the picture. We have to act and act now, before they leave the country. Let me interview him; I know he admitted to it in the hotel, but a spoken confession's no good."

Soichiro shook his head. "No, I'll do it. You're too involved in this."

"Yagami-bucho—" Aizawa hesitated, then continued with an expression which suggested he was taking his life in his hands— "I'm not the one whose surrogate son has just been shot. Let me handle things here, at least for the next day or so. You need to get yourself together, focus on what's important."

The deputy director fell silent, considering this. Aizawa was a level-headed man. He wasn't what you'd call popular, but he was respected. He'd held down the fort for Soichiro before and the deputy director knew he could be trusted. More importantly, he knew he was right.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll sort this out. After all, it would do Ueda no harm to sit and stew for a while longer and L was bound to be awake by now.


This belief lasted as long as it took Soichiro to arrive at the hospital and enter L's room. Contrary to his hopes, nothing had changed from that morning. L was as lifeless as ever, the ugly machines still doing their work and Matsuda had left, probably to collect his daughter.

Soichiro sat down with a sigh. He might not have minded L's condition so much if only he didn't feel so damn helpless.

"Which part of when I get back, I expect you to be conscious did you have difficulty with, Ryuzaki?" he inquired.

Whichever part it was, L was keeping it to himself. His chest rose and fell in slow, rhythmic movements, and he gave no sign of having heard Soichiro.

"I really hope you're still in there and that I'm not talking to an empty shell," the deputy director went on. "I don't think I can cope with losing you too, and certainly not like this. You know, I never had anyone take a bullet for me before. While I'm not trying to belittle your act, I really hope I never have anyone take one for me again." He paused. "And about what I said earlier; I'm not going to kill you, Ryuzaki. I'm really not. I'm not even angry with you anymore. You can wake up and I'll be here, or if I'm not here, then I'm on my way here, and I'll bring you some strawberries and you can promise me that you will never do such a crazy thing again. And once the doctors tell me you're well enough to leave the hospital, the four of us can go to Shizuoka as a family, and visit a strawberry farm. Pay them a thousand yen or so and you can eat as many strawberries as you like for half an hour." He managed a smile. "Though I think with you along, they might make a loss on that deal."

Nothing.

"Just think of it. An entire greenhouse full of strawberries. Most of them are a lot bigger than the ones you buy in a supermarket. You'll be all strawberried out." Soichiro paused, waiting for some sign of comprehension, or even life. When L remained unresponsive, he continued. Even a one-sided conversation was better than listening to those damn machines. If it hadn't been for them, he could have convinced himself that L was just sleeping peacefully.

"Of course, you can also pick some to take away with you. I'm not sure when the strawberry season is – I've heard it varies depending on the plants – but even if we've missed it this year, there's always next year, or the year after that. Don't think I'm trying to push you into anything, but you're one of us now. Everything you went through, all the pain, all the nightmares, everything you suffered, that's all over now. So come on. All you have to do is just open your eyes, or give me some sign that you're still hanging in there, because at the moment I'm not sure what's you and what's this machine."

L didn't respond.

"Dammit, Ryuzaki! What do you think is going to happen to everyone else if you die here? How are Sachiko and Sayu going to feel if they come by tomorrow and see you like this? Either wake up or at least let me know you can hear me!"

He shut his mouth with a snap, breathing rapidly. Several minutes went by and L did neither, leaving Soichiro all by himself for another endless vigil.