Chapter 28: I Wish I Was Your Mom
"Oh, Rachel." Shelby was bawling, her arms wrapped tightly around herself and tears falling so quickly down her face she had to cast the letters to the side so she didn't completely ruin them. She wished so badly that she could explain to Rachel everything. That she could rewind time and accept some sort of mother-daughter relationship on the day that they met in that way. That she hadn't been so selfish, and scared, and conflicted. That she hadn't impacted and changed Rachel's life forever and then dropped out last minute.
She wished she wasn't a coward.
She wished that Rachel was alive and that they could just start all over. They had been in an okay place recently. They could've built upon that and now…now they didn't have the chance to.
"Stop blaming yourself, sweetheart. Rachel can sense how sorry you are. She knows now everything that's in your heart," Cassandra tried to explain to her. "Let go of that heavy burden on your chest. You were friends before her death. She's forgiven you. You were past all of these feelings of regret, you know that…"
But Shelby hardly heard her. It didn't feel true to her. It wouldn't unless she could talk to Rachel personally, which she knew she could never do again.
She also felt selfish for wanting all of this, when Rachel was the one who would never have the chance to want anything ever again. And there were only a few letters left.
In watching the news the night before, it was only a small comfort to find out that the drunk driver who hit Rachel was sentenced to jail. He would get the punishment he deserved, which, in Shelby's opinion, was death.
Rachel would never be truly avenged. Her feelings of pain about her mother would never be put at peace. She would never feel the complete love and adoration that Shelby wanted to give to her—had always wanted to give to her but had always been too nervous or closed off to do anything about it.
It was true that she'd always wanted to be Rachel's mom. She'd regrettably let her dreams of Broadway get in the way before, and then let her fears stop her afterwards. With Rachel's death brought on an even stronger emotion of needing to let Rachel knew just how loved she was. Of course now that Shelby could never do that, it hurt worse.
"She'll never know." Shelby sobbed. "She'll never feel love from me, she'll never know how much I loved her—"
"She knows now, in spirit—"
"It's not the same, you don't understand."
Shelby didn't want to push Cassandra away—it wasn't her fault she didn't understand—and she was thankful for the attempted comfort, although she wasn't sure what she truly wanted anymore. "I'm sorry, Cassie." Shelby whispered right away. She knew the last thing she needed to do right now was push the rest of her loved ones out of her life. She'd learned to never make that mistake again. "I didn't mean it."
"Don't apologize, Shelby…It's okay."
"Rachel," Shelby whispered, her throat feeling choked. "I wish I was your mom."
