Cause and Effect
Chapter 29
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"Hey Naruto," Tenten plopped down across from the blonde as he quietly ate his breakfast. "Can I ask you something?"
"Is it about Shino?" he guessed after staring at her momentarily, and she blinked in surprise.
"How did you know?" she asked. It had been nearly two weeks since he had moved out, and she wasn't sure whether she had just needed this time to think, or if it was the fact that spring was coming and she couldn't help but feel maybe she deserved a new start as well, but she was starting to think that perhaps…Shino hadn't done something so unforgivable after all. Maybe she just needed to be more reasonable. And she had caught a glimpse of him alone in the library that day, and it had been very hard to resist going over just to hug him, as he looked badly in need of a friend.
"Never mind." Naruto shook his head and swallowed another mouthful of toast. "What's going on?"
"Well, I've been thinking about everything between Shino and I…and I'm starting to think maybe I didn't really need to end everything over something he did years ago that he only didn't tell me about because it didn't mean anything to him, and he didn't want to upset me over nothing." She blurted out all at once and Naruto blinked at her. "But…but I was thinking, I mean, I put my foot down, and now…now if I go back to him, won't that seem weak? Won't he just take advantage of me over and over again?"
"Hm," Naruto had felt that way before, so he understood why she had come to him. "I know what you mean, but do you really think he will take advantage of you? And you also have to think of it like this: did he do it to take advantage of you in the first place? Or was it just a mistake?"
"Oh," Tenten nodded briefly. "So you don't think it would make me seem weak to everyone?"
"Tenten, what you're asking me about is between Shino and you." Naruto pointed at her with his spoon. "It's not everyone's business, even if Ino and Kankurou can't keep out of everyone's business. It shouldn't matter to you what I think, or what Temari thinks, or anyone in the house. It should only matter what you think, and what Shino thinks. You know him better than anyone, Tenten, and I'm sure you already know what you think. Figure out what you really think is best, and go with that, but remember that being in love doesn't always mean flowers and candies. It isn't always about both of you being great and feeling all warm and fuzzy. There's bad times for every relationship, and whether or not you can make it through those and still love each other…that's what really defines a relationship."
"Thanks," she surged out of her chair, went around the table and gave him a quick hug. "You know, you're smarter than most people give you credit for."
"I know," he sighed as he returned to his cereal, wondering why everyone thought he was some sort of relationship doctor.
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"What time is it?" Temari wriggled against the grip of the arms around her waist, and felt them tighten around her, Kiba burrowing his face into her neck. "Come on, Kiba, I can't just sleep all day. I plan on eventually being a contributing member of society."
"Yeah, but you don't have to do that right now." He yawned and pressed a kiss to the back of her neck that made her feel a flash of heat. She knew that he didn't mean anything by his casual kisses, but they were easier to ignore when they were on her cheek or forehead. "I'm gonna teach you about being a college student, 's very important."
"Oh?" she was glad he couldn't see how red her cheeks were, his breath blowing against the back of her neck was not really making her any more calm about anything.
"Yeah, lesson one, stay in bed as much as possible." He told her, and she giggled, wriggling again and then freezing. It wasn't the first time she had felt that, and she wasn't so naïve as to have no idea about how men's bodies worked, and to know that this morning occurrence really had nothing in particular to do with her, but it didn't make her feel much better. It was just one more reminder of the indefinable nature of this thing happening between Kiba and her. She knew at this point that even Gaara knew that Kiba was sleeping in her room, mostly because she had been forced to talk him down from killing the man dozing beside her. When he had asked if they were dating, then, Temari had shook her head, and he had given her a look so reproachful, she had felt like she must explain herself to him, for the first time in her life.
But I didn't know how to explain. What can I say? I care about him, and I realize at this point that no one thinks that we're just laying here, everyone already thinks we're dating in not-so-secret. I keep thinking…that would be a mistake, but it doesn't make me kick him out of my bed. It doesn't make me distance myself from him at all.
It wasn't as if she didn't know what a breakup felt like. She'd never had a serious enough boyfriend to be able to draw a parallel between that feeling and how Kiba must feel about Hinata, but she certainly had never spent months sleeping with her friends in an attempt to forget about the guy in question. She really hadn't slept with anyone at all, no matter how badly she had felt.
"Kiba," she sighed and rolled over, "do you think this is a good idea?"
"Yeah, you shouldn't get up till at least noon on the weekends." He smiled at her sleepily, pulling her closer and kissing her on the nose. "It'll be cold if you get up. Isn't this nice?"
"No…I mean this," she gestured to indicate both of them. "Do you think Tenten is sleeping with Chouji?"
"I dunno, I could ask her," he shrugged and smiled mischievously.
"No…you know what I mean." She made her face as serious as possible. "Kiba, you realize that everyone in the house knows you sleep in my room, right?"
"Yeah," she hadn't really expected that. It took a moment to recover herself enough to say something else.
"Well, I mean, do you really think they think it's normal friends behavior for us to spend all our time together, to sleep together like this?" she asked, feeling like she was standing on the edge of a precipice, and feeling like she was leaping off and asking him to catch her when she knew he wouldn't. "Do you think they think we aren't…you know…"
"Temari, I don't care what they think," his voice was surprisingly frank. "I didn't think you cared either. I thought you cared about the way we feel."
"That's fine, but honestly, I have no idea how you feel!" she rolled away, leaping out of the bed. "You want to spend all this time with me, but you want to touch me and hold me and kiss me, like I'm…like I'm more to you than I am. I'm not your rebound, and I keep just expecting you to cross the line, but you don't, you just push it and push it so far I forget where it was, forget what I want. But just because we've gotten to this point doesn't mean I'm blind! I can see where this is leading." She heaved a sigh as if her anger had left her with all the air she exhaled, and continued in a weary tone. "I know it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, but what about what I think? How am I supposed to respect myself if I keep letting everyone dump their baggage on me and just leave me to deal with it while they move on and live their lives. I want to have my life, and if I just…if I just let this happen, if I just give you what you want to take, I'll never be able to."
"Temari," Kiba was sitting up in bed now, the warmth of the blankets forgotten. "I didn't mean—"
"No! Just let me say this, okay?" she felt like she couldn't stop until everything was said now that she'd gone this far, and she pushed on while she had her momentum moving her forward. "Just…I care about you, Kiba. I really do. I think you're sweet and funny, and I love the fragile part of you that you try so hard to hide just as much as the boisterous guy who loves to have fun with his friends. But I can't let you do this anymore, no matter how much I care about you. I just…I don't want to be left behind again. I want you to be happy again, but not at my expense. Please…I just can't do this." She felt suddenly afraid of his reaction, not that she thought he would attack her or anything, but she wasn't sure if he would make her forget everything she'd just said. She blinked at him, sitting there in the soft old faded shirt with the little hole in the collar, his eyes so wide and full of emotion. She could imagine him reaching out to her, could see how quickly she might capitulate. Now that she'd brought everything out into the open, there'd be no going back. She had to escape this temptation.
So she ran.
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Later that day, she crept up to her room, unsure of whether or not she wanted Kiba to be there, but her room was empty, which at least saved her the trouble of figuring out what to do about it if he was there. She had homework to do, but she found she couldn't concentrate on it no matter how she tried, she kept glancing at the bed, made in that haphazard style that screamed of Kiba. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and she got up, remaking the bed and then scowling at the pervading scent of Kiba on all of her bedding. She couldn't just go back to her studying in this state of mind, so she cleaned everything while laundering her bedding downstairs so she wouldn't have to deal with his presence in her room, in her bed. By the time that was done, it was time to start dinner, and she busied herself in the kitchen, getting help from Sai and Sakura so that no one would be able to catch her alone. Especially not Kiba.
However, Sakura asked where he was, since he usually helped Temari with all of her chores just as she helped him, and while she shrugged it off, it was hard not to miss his constant presence now that he was leaving her alone like she'd asked.
He didn't come down for dinner, and she began to worry. Had she blown everything out of proportion? She didn't want him to lock himself away from everyone, or run off or anything like that. All she'd meant was to draw a clear line between them, to make it clear they were friends, and that was all.
She was trying to study after dinner, since tomorrow would be Sunday and she would seriously need to work all day now that she hadn't really accomplished anything today, but it was very hard to concentrate. When there was a knock on her door, she leapt up so quickly, her pen flipped off the desk in the direction of her dresser.
"Hey," she felt oddly sheepish when she saw Kiba standing outside her door, even though she had expected it and hoped for it to some degree.
"Can I come in?" he shuffled his feet in that way he had, and she felt it was distinctly unfair that he could make her forget everything bad between them so quickly and easily. She stood back and he entered her room, pursing his lips and furrowing his brow as he tried to decide how best to proceed. "Look," he finally turned to her, his expression earnest. "I never meant to force myself on you. I thought that we were both…I thought we understood each other, but I guess it wasn't really fair of me to just…so I'm sorry. But I was afraid if I said anything…it would get all fucked up, and I was really starting to feel like maybe it could be okay again, and you aren't a rebound, okay? I really…I mean, maybe I'm supposed to just wait forever to see if Hinata will come back, but…I mean…is it wrong to feel like I'm just…like, I still love her and all, but I mean, I'm over it. I am, and I just…I thought you and I were going somewhere, you know, and I really…I really like being with you, and I don't think it's wrong. If I…if you don't want that, it's okay, I mean, I'd rather have it out there now than have to go to your wedding in a year or whatever. But I'm not fucking around with you, and I know I should have just said, but I was scared, okay?" Kiba stopped rambling at this point, opening his mouth as if to go on and then closing it again.
"What…what are you saying?" Temari's voice was shaking. She felt better somehow knowing that he was also afraid, but it didn't come close to calming her nerves completely.
"I want to…I mean, if you do," Kiba stepped forward cautiously as though he thought she'd hit him. "I just…I want to be with you. Like, date and stuff."
She couldn't help it. She was so nervous and high-strung, and he was so awkward and adorable. It wasn't really that funny, but she couldn't stop the laughter bubbling from her lips when she clapped her hands to her mouth, even when she saw the hurt look on his face, she just kept giggling helplessly.
"I'm not kidding!" he scowled at her as she struggled to catch her breath. "Like I'd joke about this. Gaara'd fucking kill me."
"I'm sorry…just…" she wheezed, clutching her sides, "I just really—" but before she could explain anything, he grabbed her shoulders, looking annoyed and determined as he pulled her in, quelling her laughter quite effectively by kissing her so thoroughly she felt her knees buckle, and if it weren't for his hold on her, she would have fallen over completely. When he pulled away, she struggled to regain the strength in her legs, and then tried to remember how to breathe.
"Oh," she finally managed, her hands clutching his sides as though still worried she might collapse. "Oh wow." She might have been embarrassed if she had been self-aware enough to realize how stupid she sounded, but Kiba didn't seem bothered by her lack of eloquence. Instead, he bent down again, and after the initial shock, she began to kiss him back. It was terrifying and consuming, but it was wonderful and sweet, and all of her defenses suddenly seemed very silly.
By the time they broke for air, she felt her strength returning, and she pushed him back until his legs hit the edge of the bed, capturing his mouth once more as she did, and the surprise caused him to tumble down onto the mattress with her on top of him, the air leaving his lungs in a rush. His hands scrabbled against her hips in sudden surprise, pushing her up a bit, and she pulled up, looking curious and pleased all at once.
"We…we shouldn't," he gasped, and she started laughing as she realized what he was worried about.
"I'm not Ino!" she told him as she flopped down beside him, "I'm not going to just jump you."
"You did a little bit," Kiba told her with a slight pout, feeling foolish that he had immediately assumed she had that in mind. "I don't know what to think, you pushed me down and you were kissing me like that. Hinata would never…I mean—"
"Hey," she tugged his arm and he rolled onto his side so he was facing her, "I'm not Hinata, okay?"
"I know," he flushed, still embarrassed and off-balance, tugging a lock of her hair playfully. "You're blonde."
"Very funny," she smiled softly, resting her palm on the side of his face. "I'm serious, though. This isn't going to work if you're stuck on her. I'm not saying it has to be like she never existed. I know that what you felt for her isn't something that ever goes away, and that's fine. I just want to know that when we're together, you're with me, not her."
"Of course," his eyes widened. "How do you think I knew that it was time to say goodbye?"
"Kiba," she nudged her head forward so that her lips brushed his softly. "I want this to work."
"I do, too." He answered, his eyes fluttering shut, clearly enjoying just being close to her in this way. "You've been hurt enough, you deserve something good."
"You too." She flushed and they kissed slowly, carefully, exploring the feeling, exploring the taste of each other.
"Now what?" he asked, curling his neck down so he could nuzzle her neck, his hair tickling her chin as he did, and she giggled, feeling surprisingly happy, and trying not to. She didn't want to hope for things when everything she hoped for usually slipped through her fingers.
"Now I have homework." She breathed softly, and he made an adorable whining noise so she gave a bit. "You can study in here, if you want. I know you must have homework, too."
"Don't you want to like…snuggle and stuff?" he asked, and she couldn't help giggling at the petulant tone.
"Stuff?" she asked for clarification, and he pulled her closer, kissing her throat. "I…don't think I'll get much studying done if you're doing that."
"Maybe we can study later," he smiled against her neck, and she tried with little success not to blush brilliantly red. "I mean, we just got together, this doesn't happen every day."
"Mm," she considered, and decided that really, she had all day tomorrow to get her homework done. Now she would just be a little selfish…just for once.
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"Hey," Tenten had stood behind him working up the courage to pull up a chair for nearly ten minutes before she did it, but she was relatively sure it didn't show. Shino looked surprised, and at least a little bit afraid. He didn't even speak back to her, he just blinked, eyes wide in surprise. "I think we need to talk."
"Could you be quiet?" a young man across the table looked up irritably. "Some people are trying to study."
"Oh, calm down, I'm using a perfectly reasonable voice," she rolled her eyes at him. "You make it sound like I crashed over here screaming."
"That is a bit like what it sounded like." He hissed at her in a whisper. "Now if you don't shut up or leave, I'll get them to throw you out," he gestured to the front desk, where Sai was scanning in books methodically.
"What's your name?" she tapped her chin as though trying to remember someone.
"Hiroshi." He told her in a sullen tone. "Hiroshi Tanaka."
"Well, Hiroshi, if I were you, I'd worry more about all those mysterious late fees I owe the library than I would about a very reasonably voiced library employee such as myself. And I don't think he'll throw me out for you. We're friends, we live in a house together. Although I bet he might throw out someone who's racked up over five hundred dollars worth of fines."
"I…are you threatening me?" he narrowed his eyes at her and Tenten gave her most wicked grin.
"Sir, I'm not sure what you're saying. I am quite sure the records show massive library fines." She told him, and he subsided, going back to his homework as Tenten turned back to Shino, who was still staring at her as though quite sure she was a hallucination. "Wanna go get some coffee?" He nodded with a dumbfounded expression on his pale face, and they left the library after he gathered his things, Hiroshi still shooting her suspicious looks.
"Can you really put late fees on a student's account like that?" he asked after they had left the library, the first words he'd even said, and she shrugged.
"Probably, but I won't." she told him. "I'm not that vindictive, I just wanted him out of my business." Shino nodded again, but didn't reply. When they reached the café, she ordered for both of them and carried their orders back to a booth. He watched this from about two feet away, and she realized this was the normal amount of space he gave the rest of their friends. They had been dating so long, she was used to the way he would stand close enough for their arms to brush as they walked, was used to him speaking and smiling much more often.
I'm back to just being a person he knows. This is the way he is with everyone.
Except he kept shooting her furtive glances, and his hands were shaking as he accepted his coffee. "How are classes?" she asked, wanting to ease the tension a bit. He often sat across from her on dates, but it never seemed this awkward before. "Ready for midterms?"
"I suppose." He answered briefly, looking like he might say more and then sipping his coffee as if to stop himself talking too much.
I almost forgot how reserved he was. He only really shared himself with me, I think. I doubt he's more vocal than this with his parents or Himeko even.
"How's Himeko?" she asked, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice, and he blinked at her and then shrugged to indicate he wasn't sure. "Have you been able to see your kid yet?" he shook his head and she plowed onward. "What's his name?"
"I don't know." Shino answered softly, sipping his coffee again.
"Where have you been living? Did you get your own apartment?" she asked, and he shook his head.
"Dorms." He answered swiftly.
"How are your parents?" she tried once more. "Did they throw a party when you moved out?"
"I don't know." He shrugged again, and she let out an exasperated sigh. He looked up at her warily, and she shook her head slightly.
"Shino," she began, not even really sure what she was going to say. "I'm still in love with you, you know."
"O…oh." A shudder traveled through his entire body in response, and Tenten couldn't help smiling. She could get a reaction from him, that was for sure.
"I don't think you did what you did maliciously." She pressed on, and now his eyes were locked on her. "And honestly, as much as it scared me, I know you don't feel about Himeko anything like you feel for me. I think…more than anything, it just shocked me. I was spoiled from the beginning with you. Neither of us had any big hang-ups, we were so…it was so easy, you know? I just decided I wanted to be with you, and you did too, and that was all there was to it. Our worst problem was Lee walking in on us. And even though your parents gave you hell, you never even considered leaving me. That couldn't have been easy for you, but everything's been so simple for me. It should still be simple. You love me. You did things in the past, before you knew me, that anyone might have done. But now you're with me, and only with me. I was treating you almost like you'd cheated on me, but it wasn't like you could see into the future when you were sixteen and say no to Himeko, say you were waiting for me. And I've dated other guys before I met you, and you never flip out about that. Granted, none of them have turned up claiming to be the father of my secret love child, but still. So I just think…maybe I overreacted a bit."
"But I lied." He pointed out, and she couldn't help laughing.
"Look, are you going to push your luck, or are you going to come home with me for lots of hot make-up sex?" she asked, and he nearly spilled his coffee in his hurry to stand up.
"Let's go." He surged forward as she stood as well, most of their coffee still there, but honestly, she hadn't really felt like coffee in the first place. She just needed a prop to hide behind. He moved toward her, and she could tell he wanted to kiss her, but she wasn't sure what would happen if he did, and this was a public place, so she leaned in and pecked his cheek, grabbing his hand and pulling his out of the door.
It was all very well to have principles and to stand behind them, but she felt she'd made her point, and now she just really wanted things to go back to how they had been. She couldn't stay angry at Shino. She loved him too much.
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To be Continued…
