Moments In The Chaos
The tent was dimly illuminated by the light of a nearly full moon. Alistair watched his two lovers sleeping again as he had done nearly every night for almost a week. Each night he lie with the two of them, loving them with his body and his heart and as they slept he watched them cursing the guilt he felt. But each night the guilt was a little less, replaced with surety.
Perhaps he did not take to this new arrangement as readily as he had hoped, but he knew there was no way he could turn back now. It made his heart ache to think of his life without Zevran in it, every part of it. This life was not the one he imagined; a little house with a small garden, a wife, children laughing in the yard, and passing away in old age surrounded by his children and grandchildren, but this life suited him better. This life of violence and travel and two lovers was what he was really meant for.
Tonight as he watched them sleep he felt no guilt, only acceptance. He settled down snuggling closer to Sareyna. He draped his arm over her and onto Zevran's hip. Holding them both felt good, it felt natural. He felt a smile curve his lips, another child on the way another lover in his bed and a cure to the dreams on the way. He closed his eyes and let a contented sleep steal over him.
Alistair snatched the crystal from around Zevran's neck and tossed it across the room. "Enough." He snarled as he picked Zevran up and carried him from the room. It was the second time in as many days that they had managed to render the assassin unconscious with their experiments.
"Alistair, stop. We're close."
"Close to what, killing him?" Alistair growled at Morrigan as he continued to carry Zevran up the stairs. "No more, Morrigan. You're hurting him, I won't have it."
"You need to give us time."
"We've been here for a week. 'Reyna won't even come down here with him anymore because of what you've been putting him through. I'm not letting you three torture him anymore."
"You need to let him make that choice, Alistair."
Alistair paused and turned to look at Anders, "I don't want to hear anything from you. You have him and Sareyna both convinced that he'll die if he doesn't subject himself to this bullshit. But he was fine before we came to the Wending Woods; he was a Warden for months with no ill effects before we came here."
"Before she found him you mean. So what are you going to do? Hunt her down and kill her, hopefully before she can kill him? And you know damn well we're not torturing him." Anders glared back at Alistair. "Let me wake him so he can make his own decision."
Alistair held his gaze for a few moments before turning and heading back down the stairs. "I swear Anders, if you hurt him, you'll wish we had never met."
Anders gave him a curt nod as Alistair lay Zevran back down on the cot. He stepped away clenching his fists and feeling a muscle twitch rhythmically in his jaw. He felt the anger seeping from every pore. They needed to get out of this damn place, everyone was on edge and Zevran was looking a little more pale every day. It had to stop.
Sapphire magic flowed from Anders' fingers and twined around Zevran and he slowly began to wake up. Zevran blinked slowly a few times before sitting upright.
"So, not a success then."
"Yes and no. The Darkspawn in the other room weren't reacting to you, but you were also rendered unconscious." Anders spoke quietly. "Alistair wants us to stop."
Zevran looked to Alistair who was leaning against the wall his fists still clenched. Zev stood and crossed to Alistair, smoothing his fingers over his furrowed brow, he turned to Anders, "Can you two leave us?"
Morrigan turned to leave and after a moment's hesitation Anders followed her. Zevran turned back to Alistair who was still seething.
"Tesoro, maybe you should stay with 'Reyna."
Alistair shook his head, "Someone needs to watch out for you."
Zevran scowled, "You think that Anders would hurt me?"
Alistair sighed, "I don't know. Sometimes I think he wouldn't but then I remember how we hurt him."
Zevran's voice was suddenly very sharp, "Alistair. Anders would never hurt me on purpose. Stop this now, you are being ridiculous, he is a healer. How could you think that of him?"
Alistair rubbed his forehead and sighed, "I know, I just, the things they have been putting you through Zevran." He felt lost as he looked back to Zevran who was still scowling at him.
"Just stop it. He deserves better than that."
Alistair nodded, "You're right."
"I know I am, now go spend some time with 'Reyna."
"I'm staying."
"Didn't we just have this conversation?"
"I want to stay with you." Alistair couldn't voice why exactly, he just didn't want Zevran left alone to go through this.
Zevran looked suddenly weary, "Fine, then go bring them back and we will try something else."
Alistair slipped in the door quietly and crossed to where Anders was sitting at the desk scribbling away with charcoal on a piece of parchment. Alistair paused as he saw what was on it, "You make art too?"
Anders head jerked up in surprise, "Art? No, just sketches, doodles."
"That's Zevran."
Anders nodded, "Yeah, been working on it on and off the last couple of days. It helps with the boredom."
Morrigan crossed to them and looked over Anders' shoulder, "I had to threaten him so he wouldn't draw me."
"Where did you learn that?"
Anders shrugged, "The Circle I guess. I liked to sketch the plants we used in our herbalism class. Did you need something Alistair?"
Alistair cleared his throat, "Uh, yes. I wanted to apologize."
"Its fine, I understand, it's hard watching him go through this, but I am trying to help him Alistair. I think we've found the right combination now, we just need to adjust the size or possibly the proportions." Anders set the quill down and stood up. "I should get the crystal so we can work from it."
Alistair rested his hand on Anders' shoulder. "It's not alright. I was an ass, and I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't hurt Zevran." He turned to Morrigan, "Either of you."
Anders nodded and moved away from Alistair, leaving the room quietly. Alistair sighed and turned to Morrigan.
"I used to think I would get along better with him than any other Wardens. We have a lot in common, so why is it I can never seem to see eye to eye with him?"
Morrigan shrugged, "Because you're an ass."
"Right, why am I asking you? You can barely stand me either." Alistair sighed and turned towards the door, his own brother and sister couldn't stand him, wasn't family grand?
"Alistair, wait."
Alistair paused but didn't turn around, he felt a frission of tension shoot through his body and he stiffened a little, "What now, Morrigan?" He stiffened a little more when he felt her hand on his back.
"You made it sound like we were deliberately hurting Zevran. Being a healer is the most important thing to Anders. It's how he identifies himself, can't you see how much of an insult that would be?"
Alistair closed his eyes. "I can."
"Have a little faith in him. How many times has he saved all of us, including Zevran?"
"More times than I can count."
"Yet the first time he does something that has unpleasant effects you accuse him of trying to kill the man whose life he is trying to save. Not just accuse him Alistair, you snatched Zevran away."
"I don't like seeing him like that."
Morrigan's gentle tone was gone, the agitation growing in her voice, "None of us do. We may not show the drooling affection you do, but we're all Wardens and we've come to care for each other in our own ways. Yet you treat us all like you're the only one with a heart, with feelings."
Alistair was silent; her words tore at him as he realized that she was right. He had acted without thought of how Anders or Morrigan felt about what happened or would feel about what he had been doing.
Morrigan's voice was soft again, "Trust us like we trust you Alistair." She chuckled softly, "Who would have thought I would be telling you to trust people."
Alistair turned and gave her a small smile. "Thank you, Morrigan."
"And I don't hate you Alistair. We're different and I don't always agree with you, but I'm learning to understand you at least." She waived him off, "Now get going before I start mocking you again."
Alistair left, heading back towards Zevran. Zevran was sitting on the cot and looked up when he saw Alistair, "Tesoro, have you kissed and made up?"
Alistair chuckled, "Not exactly, it's a work in progress, but I did learn something today."
"Something good?"
Alistair shrugged, "I think there is no such thing as a normal and well functioning adult. I think we're all as lost as the children we try to teach."
Zevran gave a little laugh, "I believe you may just be right, Tesoro."
Morrigan moved to the cart in the semi darkness and rummaged through it until she found what she was looking for in the corner, she lifted it, still fabric covered, and carried it across the camp to Nathaniel. He looked up at her and gave her a smile, it melted her insides. The first time he had smiled at her like that she thought she had finally learned what it meant for someone to have a heart stopping smile.
She gave him a small smile in return, not willing to make concessions just yet.
"Have you come to apologize, Morrigan?"
"Have you come to your senses, Nathaniel?"
His smile faltered, replaced with his equally sexy brooding. She handed him the fabric wrapped instrument, he looked at it suspiciously for a moment before he took it from her hands. He untied the ribbon at the top and slid the fabric bag down.
His gaze flicked up to hers when it was uncovered, "How did you," he was smiling again as he ran his fingers lovingly across the strings, he shook his head, "How did you know?"
"The calluses on your fingers, Leliana had ones just like them and you don't pull your bow string with your left hand."
Nathaniel's smile slowly melted as Morrigan watched him. She could see him remembering why things were so strained between them; he shifted his gaze away from her and she wanted to scream at him. She was tired of being angry with him, but she couldn't make him understand why the Templars were such a threat. All they did was argue and end up stalking away angrily. She tried again quietly, "They would kill me, Nathaniel."
"You're a blood mage." He stated just as quietly.
She knelt before him and touched the knife in his belt. "Then kill me yourself, if I am so horrible I deserve to be put to death, kill me."
Nathaniel moved her hand away from his knife, "I'm not a Templar."
She settled back on her feet, "But you feel I deserve it?"
He still wouldn't look at her, "It's not for me to decide."
"But haven't you decided already? You agree with the Templars, I deserve to die because of the magic I know."
"I never said that."
"What if I wasn't a blood mage?"
"Then the Templars would have no reason to kill you, they only kill maleficar, but it is beside the point, you are a blood mage."
"Even before I was a blood mage I was maleficar, Nathaniel. I am a shapeshifter, a magic not taught by the Circle. That itself is enough to be branded maleficar and to be hunted down, murdered. Even Anders is a maleficar."
Nathaniel finally looked at her, narrowing his eyes, "Anders is a healer, trained in the Circle."
Morrigan nodded, "I have been teaching him an ancient elven magic so now he too is maleficar."
"I don't understand, why would you do that to him? Make him a maleficar?"
Morrigan stood, "He was already branded one, even when he wasn't it. It doesn't even matter and you are again missing the point." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I didn't come over here to argue. Play for us, something lively, we could all use it."
"You want to watch a night of revelry with this lot?"
Morrigan gave him a wan smile and nodded a little. "I haven't even seen Anders smile in almost a week."
Nathaniel glanced around the camp; he nodded, "Alright." He started tuning the lute she had given him quietly and Morrigan left to head for her tent. She climbed inside and rifled through her pack for a few moments before pulling out a box with a triumphant smile. A moment later she pulled free another box and left her tent.
"Sigrun, put some water on to boil will you?"
There was a mumbled response but Sigrun was getting up. Morrigan walked to Oghren, "Find your cards?"
"Aye,"
"Fancy a couple hands?"
Oghren grinned, "Always ready for a little betting."
Morrigan nodded, "Be back in a few minutes." Morrigan set her finds on the ground just out of the ring of light provided by the fire. She went back to the cart and pulled out a bottle of moonshine Shannon had tucked into it at the last moment before they left.
She sat the moonshine down with the two boxes and walked close to the fire. She felt a bit odd, but she had to do something, everyone was so somber lately. Morrigan had never realized that she had relied on their levity to lighten her days. Biting her lip a little, she rubbed her hands together and a faint blue glow began to grow between them.
"What are you doing?" Anders' voice was soft, curious.
"Trying to remember a trick from when I was a child." The light grew bigger and a little brighter between her hands. "I used to do this when I was alone, Flemeth would have been furious if she had seen me being so frivolous with magic."
The light between her hands was almost hard to look at, it was so bright and it was the size of a melon. She looked to Anders and flashed him a mischievous smile. She spread her hands and the ball of light stretched between them, little sparkling lights dancing in the web.
Morrigan made a small tossing motion with her hands and a glittering web of light stretched over the camp, hovering about ten feet above the ground. Morrigan watched it, hoping it wouldn't blink out, but it seemed to be holding its own. It looked like twinkling stars caught in a spider's web.
Anders chuckled and stood up, "I've never seen anything like it. How did you learn it?"
"I taught it to myself; I found a spider's web one morning with dew clinging to it and thought of this. It took me almost a month to figure out how to do it."
Sareyna was at her side, "It's so beautiful." Her smile was wide as she laughed.
Morrigan nodded and turned to pick up the little things she had left on the ground. "So, I feel like playing some cards. I have a box of chocolates here to use as currency, except for Oghren, I have some moonshine for him." She crossed to Zevran and placed a black and gold box into his hands.
Zevran laughed, "Morrigan, you know the way to a man's heart."
"There's honey in the cart…somewhere."
"Then I best go find it." He disappeared into the dark.
Nathaniel moved closer to the fire and Morrigan saw he was looking at the web of lights with a smile on his face. A bitter remark about it being unsanctioned magic was on the tip of her tongue but she quashed it. He looked peaceful as he settled onto a chunk of log that had been dragged into the camp to act as a seat.
Morrigan settled down and watched, feeling a bit triumphant as chocolates were doled out along with cards. Zevran returned with the honey and soon was handing out cups of the fruit tea sweetened with a touch of the honey.
She had never heard Nathaniel play but she wasn't surprised by how beautifully he played. Nathaniel was a man who did nothing by half measures. Anything he did, he was good at. She was surprised, however, by his clear baritone ringing out into the night. She had never thought of him singing.
She closed her eyes, curse that man. He was her undoing. When Flemeth had spoken of men she had never mentioned a man like Nathaniel. She spoke of men as weak and contemptuous creatures. But there was steel in Nathaniel, steel and heart.
Morrigan opened her eyes and resolved herself to giving in, to finding a way to bridge the gap between them. He intrigued and fascinated her. And though she was loathe to admit it, she cared for the archer. Why else the not inconsiderable expense of buying him a gift she wasn't even completely sure he could use?
She played her cards, losing quickly as her gaze was drawn again and again to Nathaniel sitting in the firelight, eyes closed as he played and sang. He made something inside of her ache; she hoped it was more than the call of their blood. She felt Sareyna nudge her shoulder.
"Will you two kiss and make up already."
Morrigan gave her a little smile, "I'm not ready yet. But soon, I promise."
Sareyna gave her a serious look, "Don't wait too long Morrigan. Life is short, especially ours."
"I know, I just have to resign myself." Morrigan looked around at her companions as she played cards. Men could be fools, she knew that, she had seen it often enough. But now that she took the time to look deeper she realized that the men she knew, the ones sitting here with her were far more complex than she had given them credit for.
Alistair was soft but when it came to those he cared about being in danger he became a bear, a mountain of a man you did not want to tangle with. Anders' jokes might make you miss the brilliant mind behind them, she nearly had. Oghren was gross, there was no two ways about it, but he loved his child and struggled to make things alright with his wife Felsi even if he kept it all to himself, it was still impressive.
She wasn't sure Justice counted as a man, but he had moments of unexpected tenderness nonetheless. Morrigan looked at Zevran, he was perhaps the most complex of all of them and she had barely scratched the surface. She knew only a few things about him with any certainty.
He had claimed the Wardens as his family and if anyone were to threaten them he would massacre them, he would hunt them down to the last man and kill whoever it was that had dared to threaten his family. He was still afraid of loving them, any of them, including Sareyna and Alistair. He was waiting for it to all be ripped away from him.
And Zevran understood people better than the rest of them together. He understood their motivations, their emotions and exactly what a person needed at any given time. That man was hard to reconcile with the ruthless killer she knew him to be.
"My beautiful witch, I believe it is your turn." Zevran's smile bathed her in warmth.
She looked around at them all again seeing their smiles, and smiled a little herself. It was good to see them smiling again. It seemed to take ten years off Anders' face and she was grateful she had been able to help bring it back. "This is what Sareyna was talking about, these moments in the chaos." She thought briefly before shrugging, and laying down another card, for now she would cherish this moment.
