Mommy Dearest
Chapter 29
Exploring Boundaries and Mending Fences
Jen sighed in sheer ecstasy as she slid further down the bath so that only her head was above water, her chin just touching the surface. "I knew there was a good reason for wanting to live here. And this bath is it!"
"Oh, so nothing to do with the fact that there's more than one bedroom," Harm, stripped down to just his jeans paused in the act of getting ready to join her in the bath, and gently mocking continued, "a safe back yard, a family room with an open fire - something which I might add you insisted upon - and that you've got a loving husband to share it with you, and that the price was right?"
"Oh, those were all factors, I grant you," but Jen airily waved a suds-coated arm, casually dismissing, Harm's list of advantages as hardly worthy of consideration, "But, no. The clincher for me was this old-fashioned, deep and very big bath-tub. Almost big enough for two, when you think about it…" She left her sentence unfinished and half-closed her eyes, lazily looking up at Harm from under her eyelids.
"Yeah," he smiled, slipping out of his boxers, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking."
"Aah," she breathed as she scooted forwards to let him slide in behind her, "Think not, Skywalker; do."
"Skywalker!" he protested in mock horror, "Jennifer Rabb, if you ever, ever call me that in public, I'll… I'll… I'll…" he looked around the bathroom for inspiration, as he could feel Jen, leaning back his chest, fighting against her urge to giggle, "I'll…I'll use your razor to shave a towel!" he threatened her.
Jen let the giggles free, "That is a gruesome thought! And if I thought for one second that you meant it, I'd file for divorce on the spot! Do you know any good attorneys?" she asked innocently.
"Nope, a bunch of shysters, all of 'em," he grunted. "Looks like you're stuck with me!"
"Oh, I don't know," she replied naughtily, wriggling her butt back into his groin, "it seems more like that I'm getting stuck by you!"
"Jennifer Coates - behave yourself!" he exploded, torn half-way between laughter and shock at her lack of decorum.
Jen laughed delightedly, "Harmon Rabb, you are such a prude!"
"Am not."
Later, lying together in bed, Jen rolled on her side and said, "We need to do something nice for Jack and Beth."
"H'mm, why?" and then as he took in the possible sub-text of what she had said, he engaged her eyes with his own, "What are you up to Jen? Be careful about interfering there… Jack and Skates are two of my oldest and closest friends, and yes, I'd like to see them both happily settled, and if that turns out to be with each other, then so much the better. But we, neither of us, mustn't push."
"Oh, no… I wasn't thinking about that… well, not at the moment anyway… No, I was just thinking how much help they've been to us over the last month. They came to support you, us really, at our wedding. Last week they gave up their Saturday to help Loren, whom they hardly know, just because you asked them, and now they gave up the whole of this weekend to help us - and," she giggled briefly, "Jack even brought a case of beer!"
"Probably because he was afraid that with you pregnant and Loren nursing, that I'd get all puritanical and not allow beer in the house!"
"Really?"
"Well probably not, but with Keeter, you never can tell!"
"Uh-huh, and how about Beth?"
"What do you mean, how about Beth?" he asked
"Well… sometimes, you seem so close, that I feel... not jealous… well… not exactly, more… envious perhaps…"
Hearing the serious note creeping into her voice, Harm looked at her more closely. "I could just laugh off jealousy because that would be ridiculous, but… why the envy, sweetheart?"
Jen smiled deprecatingly, "Oh, I know it's silly, but at times you two seem so close, you seem to be able to communicate without speaking, on an entirely different level, like when… when you sent me on ahead on Saturday with the 'vette. I saw you speaking with Beth, and I know you told her to make sure I behaved myself, but the thing is, that both of you seemed to be saying so much without words…"
Harm thought for a moment or two, he knew exactly how he felt about Beth, and he knew exactly why he felt as he did, and he knew just how they understood each other so well, but these were difficult concepts for him to put into words. At length he decided to give it his best shot, and hope that Jen would be able to understand his doubtless incomplete explanation. "Beth and I have an understanding that is based on our flying together. We had to come to trust each other completely just to stay alive. All pilots and RIOs have to have that. They don't necessarily have to like each other, at least not to start with, but they have to be able to trust each other. In our case, we were lucky, Beth and I found it easy to get on with each other even when we weren't in the air, so we spent a lot of time just hanging around the ready room drinking coffee and talking, or lazing around the wardroom, drinking coffee and talking; there's not much else to do on a carrier when you aren't flying or briefing or de-briefing or sleeping, and after a while you start to learn how the other guy thinks, so you can start talking about something, and the other knows what you're going to say before you finish saying it. So, yes, you get really close to your back-seater, maybe too close sometimes, but that relationship comes out of fear, and the instinct, the drive, the need to survive. What we have going for us Jen, is different and it is still growing for us, is a relationship that comes out of love, and I wouldn't have it any other way."
Jen looked at him with troubled eyes; this fear-driven need was something that she had never really considered. "Do people, pilots with female RIOs ever get too close, in that way, you know, sexually? I mean, I know you and Beth never did, but other people, maybe?"
"No… I don't think so… it would be too obvious on a carrier, and the CAG would have one or both transferred out so fast it would make their heads spin, and besides when I said that pilots and RIOs can get too close, I meant that they can get too close for a romantic relationship… I dunno, it seems like it would almost be incestuous. Look at Beth and me, we're like brother and sister."
Yeah, Jen thought, remembering her talk last week with Beth, but only because you could never see past the flight suit to the woman underneath. But she allowed the subject to drop as she returned to her original contention, "We still need to do something nice for them for them helping us out so much."
Harm leaned over and dropped a gentle kiss on her lips, "Yeah, you're right. Why don't we have a think about it tomorrow, and see if we can come up with a suitable idea. In the meantime, have I told you what a fantastic job I think you did setting our home to rights?"
"No… but… I think," Jen answered slowly, "that you could… uh… show me how pleased you are?"
At breakfast the following morning Jen had again brought up the subject of doing something nice for Beth and Skates, "After all, I'm taking Loren and Sasha up to Belleville for the weekend, and it wouldn't do to play favourites would it?" she said innocently.
Harm put down his mug of coffee and pushed his plate with the slice of egg-toast to one side, and fighting to keep his voice even he asked, "You're going to do what?"
"Loren and I are taking Alexandra and we're going to spend the weekend with Grams Sarah at Belleville."
"Uh… since when did this happen?"
"How about, since we talked about it when we were on the way up there, the Monday after our wedding?" Jen was beginning to sound defensive.
"Well… yeah, we talked about it in general terms, but we hadn't settled on a specific weekend."
"No, then we hadn't, but now we have." Jen stated baldly.
"But why so soon, Jen. Why don't you wait a few weeks until we've all gotten over the stress of moving?"
"Because we don't have a few weeks. In a few weeks, I'm not going to be able to sit in a car for three hours, because little Miss Rabb here, is going to be jumping up and down on my bladder, and my belly will probably grow so big that I won't be able to wear a seat belt. And don't forget, Loren has only one week of her maternity leave left, so she's going to be rushing around getting her uniforms sorted, and confirming the baby-sitter, and all sorts of things, so this weekend is the last convenient time for us to make the trip!" The level of her voice had risen as she spoke, and although she couldn't truthfully be said to be yelling, she was only a few decibels off reaching that stage. Jen drew a deep breath, visibly making an attempt to calm herself, "And anyway, the arrangements are already made; Grams Sarah is expecting us, and she says she can't wait to meet her first great-grandchild. Now, you're not going to ask me to disappoint Grams Sarah, are you?"
Harm glowered at her, "No, I'm not going to ask you to disappoint Grams Sarah. What time do you want us to leave on Friday?"
"Excuse me? What's this 'us' thing?" Jen raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Well, if we're going to Belleville on Friday, what time do we want to leave?"
"Harm 'we', that is you and me, are not going to Belleville," she told him with great patience. "The 'we' going to Belleville are Loren, Sasha and I. You," she added pointedly, "are not invited!"
"Jen!" he protested.
"No, Harm. Like I said, we have discussed this. Loren needs to feel fully accepted into the family, not just because you've sponsored her, but because she is who she is. Grams Sarah, with the exception of you, is the only living blood-relative Sasha has." Jen's voice turned from argument to plea as she added, "Can't you see how important this is going to be for Loren, that she is accepted as something other than a homeless kitten that you and Trish took under your wing?"
Harm recognised the truth in what Jen said, and sighed, holding up his hands in gesture of surrender, "I hate it when you are so damned logical," he grumbled, "and when you're so damned right!"
"But you love me for it too, though, don't you?" Jen smiled at him across the kitchen table, all signs of displeasure now gone from her face and voice.
"Yeah, I guess… Yeah, I do… But, there is one condition; you take the SUV! I don't trust your Escort to make that trip there and back, and you are so not taking the 'vette, and Sasha's car seat won't fit in the Miata and…"
"Yes, dear."
"Excuse me, this time?"
"I was going to ask to borrow the SUV for the weekend. Apart from any considerations of reliability, roadworthiness or safety, it's the only car out of the four that will have enough room for Loren, me, Sasha and all Sasha's necessaries!" Jen said reasonably.
"Oh."
"So, now that I've put you straight on life, the universe and everything. How about you (a) doing the dishes and (b) start thinking about how we're going to do something nice for Beth and Jack, while I get my pretty little six into my unreliable little Ford and head for the fun factory, before I'm late for work?"
"Umm… how come I get stuck with the breakfast dishes?"
"Because I have further to drive than you, so I need to leave those few minutes earlier!" Jen told him triumphantly just before she dropped onto his lap and kissed him so thoroughly that she took his breath away. "There." she told him in a voice redolent with satisfaction, as she stood and gently patted his cheek, "that should hold you until I get home!"
"Yes, dear."
Harm dutifully policed up the breakfast dishes and having rinsed them under running water, had just stacked them in the dishwasher when Loren knocked on the kitchen door, "Can I come in?"
Harm straightened from the dishwasher and was in the process of shrugging into his blues jacket when Loren, Alexandra, in a sling at her breasts, entered the kitchen.
Harm smiled at the picture they made, "Good morning Loren, how are you, and how's my favourite niece?"
Loren's eyes scanned the kitchen, and her face fell as she answered, "Good morning Harm, Alexandra's being very good this morning, aren't you, precious? Umm… has Jen left already?"
"Yeah, about ten minutes ago. Was there something special you wanted, Loren?"
"Oh, no… not particularly… it's just… Oh, look, I don't want to make you late, but can you spare five minutes?
"Of course I can. I can spare as many minutes as you want. Do you want a coffee, it won't…"
"No, no thank you, Harm. This is a bit embarrassing; it seems that ever since we got back from La Jolla, I've relied on you, or Frank, to drive Sasha and myself everywhere. Well, I needed to go to the store this morning, but I can't fit the car-seat into the Miata, and as we don't have a baby-sitter yet, I was hoping to ask Jen…"
"Have you got a list?" Harm smiled, holding out his hand.
Loren went slightly pink, "Uh, yes, but I don't have any cash… I was going to either find an ATM or pay by card and…"
"Don't worry, I'll pick up what you need at the store, and bring you a receipt, then when Jen comes home, we can look after Alexandra, while you go out and do what you have to do. You can find an ATM then, and pay me back when you get home."
"Are you sure…"
"Sure I'm sure…" he hesitated, "But Loren, if you can't fit the car seat into the Miata, then…"
"Oh, I know," she sighed, I'll have to trade it in, but…"
"You love it, right?" he asked sympathetically.
"Yeah, I've had that car ever since I got my mill rindes, it was a sort of graduation present from myself…"
Harm raised his brows in surprise, "You've had it that long? From new? Have you got a full service history?"
"Umm… yes, yes, and yes, why?"
"It'll help get you a good deal on the trade-in, that's why!"
Unfortunately, judging by the look on Loren's face that hadn't been much comfort.
Although sympathizing with Loren, and despite his earlier assurance that he had all the time in the world, Harm had to keep at least half an eye on the clock, and it was with a mixture of relief, amusement and exasperation that when Loren realised just how late he was likely to be she herded him out of the house and into the Lexus, and then stood, still with Alexandra in her sling, waving him goodbye from the yard-gate.
"Sheesh, give a guy a break!" he said out loud, as he took a last look in the rear-view mirror to see her watching him out of sight, "It's as bad as having two wives!"
xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx
Well aware of his tardiness, Harm slid into the bull-pen like an otter easing itself into the water, with as little splash as possible, and sank into his office chair with a sigh of relief, and promptly buried his head in the files and documents that sat in an uninviting pile in his in box, where he was left in peace, until a knock on his door frame distracted him. Looking down at him Mac gave him an uncertain smile, as he gazed warily at her. "Uh… were you thinking of going to staff call?" she asked him in an attempt at humour.
This was the first sentence she had exchanged with him since last week, when he and Jen had walked into the bull-pen together, and not quite sure how he should respond, he simply nodded. Mac tried to make her smile a little friendlier, as she also nodded and said, "Well, you'd better get your six in gear then." She stood by the door as he picked up his brief-case, and at his cocked eyebrow, querying why she was still there, she gave a little half-shrug and said "Walk with me, flyboy?" in a muffled voice.
Harm looked at her critically. Outwardly she was still the squared-away, kick-ass, arm-wrestling and tattooed jarhead to whom he had once lost his heart, but underneath that exterior, she seemed saddened and… lost, maybe. He was still not entirely sure of her real reaction to his marriage, and was still more or less anticipating an eruption of Vesuvian proportions, especially after the distance she had maintained for the last week, but if she felt like offering an olive branch, and the use of her nickname for him seemed to suggest she did… and truth to tell, he had missed their camaraderie, despite their fights, they had worked well as a partnership, and they'd had their good times, and watched each other's backs and saved each other's six more time than they cared to remember.
Harm came to a decision, "OK, sure, why not?" He gathered up his belongings and with Mac at his elbow they crossed the bull-pen, he trying to ignore the surprised looks they received from some quarters, while she did appear oblivious to them. Their entry into the conference room raised no eyebrows, but Harm was surprised, as it seemed were the rest of the senior staff, when Mac instead of taking her usual seat opposite Harm, chose to sit next to him.
After the bustle of the admiral's arrival and resettling in chairs, Harm was sure that their CO had taken note of Mac's revised seating choice, but his face was, as usual, hard to read and he made no comment. The day's business concluded he rose to dismiss his officers, and as Harm collected the files for the two new cases he was to prosecute, Mac laid a hand on his forearm, delaying his exit.
"Harm, we… no… I really need to talk to you…" she seemed strangely embarrassed, and even shy, "Can… can we grab a coffee and a sandwich, and find somewhere quiet for lunch.." She saw the doubt in his eyes, and added, somewhat desperately, he thought, "Please?"
He looked her straight in the eyes, seeking a clue as to why she seemed so set on their meeting, but seeing nothing but hope, he nodded and replied with a curt, "OK. My office twelve-thirty."
Her "Thank you, Harm," shook him slightly, by the amount of relief those three little words expressed.
Twelve-thirty-five saw them walking the three blocks to Cherry Hill Park, where Mac swooped on the hot-dog cart, and returned a few minutes later with her sandwich, which Harm eyed with a shudder, and without giving his actions a second though, he placed a hand at the small of Mac's back and guided her towards a bench a few yards away. Mac would normally have glared at him for daring to guide her, but this time, she felt a small glow of pleasure at his touch. She'd had no physical contact with anyone since she'd fought with Harm over her suspicion that he was the father of Loren Singer's child, and it came as a shock to her, that the occasional light touches she'd tolerated from him, had been the only physical contact she'd had with anyone since Mic had stormed out of her life and back to Australia. That realisation only deepened her sadness.
Waiting until she had seated herself, Harm opened the brown paper sack he'd been carrying and produced two large Styrofoam mugs of hot coffee before taking his own seat, not too close to her, nor at the furthest extent of the bench but with a friendly twelve inches or so between them. For a few minutes neither of them spoke as Mac finished her sandwich and fastidiously wiped her fingers clean on the wad of paper napkins she had snagged off the hot-dog stand.
Finished at last, she leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, cradling her coffee in both hands. Harm gave her a few more seconds to speak; after all she was the one who'd wanted this meeting, but when she kept silent he prompted her, "And?" he inquired coolly.
"Umm… I need to talk with you Harm, I want… to try to… I want to get us… I want…" whatever she wanted, she was taking her own sweet time about it, he thought irritatedly.
"What do you want, Mac?"
She mumbled something indistinct. "Mac, stop wasting my time. Either tell me, clearly and distinctly what you want, or I'm going back to work!"
"I want my best friend back!" she snapped at him, turning her face towards him so that he saw to his embarrassed surprise that her face was a picture of misery and her eyes were filled with tears. That face, those tears and the longing in her voice dispelled his momentary irritation with her.
"I am still here," he told her gently.
She shook her head, "No, no you're not. Not really. Harmon Rabb is still here, but Sarah MacKenzie's best friend isn't. And it's all her fault."
"Mac…"
"No, Harm please, don't interrupt. I need to say this, and I've been rehearsing it all week, although I'll probably fluff my lines. I've not been fair to you. And it's been like that for a while; since you changed designators. I felt betrayed and left behind when you moved on and I've been unreasonable about that ever since you came back to JAG. I didn't understand, I don't think I wanted to understand, what you said in Sydney, and I let myself drift along in Mic's plans until you crashed that Tomcat into the ocean. But even after that, I couldn't let myself treat you properly, and in the end you got tired of me…"
"No, Mac, I've never been tired of you…"
"Well, then, you got tired of my stupid behaviour…"
Harm was content to let that one pas.
"And you started looking around for someone else, someone to treat you properly, and although I shouldn't have blamed you for that, I did. But it was my fault, I'd played fast and loose just once too often. Then I thought you'd gotten yourself involved with Singer! Singer of all people! That felt like a real slap in the face, that you thought you were better off with Loren Singer than you had been with me! And I blamed you and her for that. Then while I was still mad at you over that, you told me that our deal was off, because you were going to marry Jennifer Coates! And she wasn't even an officer; yes, stupid of me I know, but blamed you for that too. I blamed you for leaving me behind again; I blamed you for breaking your promise; I blamed Jennifer for stealing you from me, but the truth was I never really had you, or if I had at one time, then I really screwed the pooch, big time, and I lost you, and that was my fault, not yours or Jennifer's. I blamed the admiral for not preferring charges against you both. In fact, I blamed everyone and everything else around me, and I didn't blame the one person who was really responsible. I didn't blame me. And I should have done. It was all my fault. And even when you came back after your leave, I still couldn't see what was obvious, and although I thought I'd said all the right things to you last week, I can't have done. Because although we've worked together this last week, and even faced each other across the aisle, there was something missing, and that something is my best friend. Harm, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for the stupid way I've been acting for so long. Please accept that, and please come back and be my rock, be my anchor and be my best friend again. Please?"
Mac turned away from him so that he shouldn't see that her tears were threatening to overflow her eyes, and that she was biting her lip, terrified that he would again reject her.
To say that he was taken aback, Harm thought, might just about qualify for the understatement of the century. Sarah MacKenzie had not just admitted that she'd been wrong, she'd even apologised to him. OK, she hadn't made specific apologies for specific events, but a blanket apology for two and a half years of capricious behaviour was far more than he'd ever expected to hear. And the difficulty she'd had in framing and then making that apology spoke more of her regret than perhaps the words did themselves. He reached out his hand and gently grasped her shoulder, giving her a little shake.
"Hey, jarhead, I never went away, I was just sad because I was missing my best friend too. She wasn't talking to me."
She turned back then to look at him. Her eyes searched his face, and she gave a little hiccup as she found whatever it was she was looking for there, and grabbed her purse, searching in its depths for a Kleenex. His voice stopped her, "Here, take this," he suggested, holding out to her a clean, white, cloth handkerchief.
Mac mopped her eyes and blew her nose before somewhat sheepishly offering to return the handkerchief to him. He eyed it with disfavour, and then with that twinkle back in his eye, for the first time in a week, as he turned his eyes to her and said, "Uh… no… that's OK, Mac. You… uh… keep hold of it..." he paused, "Mac, I know friendship is supposed to be unconditional, and I really do want my favourite jarhead back as my best friend too, but it's going to be difficult for both of us, if you carry on hating Jen."
"I don't hate her, Harm… truly I don't, but maybe subconsciously I always knew that if there was one woman in your life that could really steal your heart from you, who could accept you for everything that you are, then Jen was that woman. And if she's made you happy, then I am glad for you. I promise I won't hate her, but it might take me a bit of time to go back to liking her. Can you give me that time?"
Harm nodded. He'd made his point and Mac had made what for her was a major concession. He could now only place his trust in the future and hope that he and Mac could return to a place very near where they had been before. He checked his watch and said, "Mac…?"
"I know," she sighed, "the time…"
She got to her feet as he stood waiting for her, and the two officers, in companionable silence, all tension between them vanished, at least for the moment, walked slowly back to the JAG building.
