Chapter 29

Tim took Jethro with him on his walk...and he walked for a long time. Thinking...mostly about his sudden surge of anger and what Ducky had told him about letting the anger out. He suddenly realized that he'd been hiding from Gibbs because he was so angry at him as much as because he was worried. He decided that this was the time to talk to him, now when he could still escape from him if he felt the need...not when he was working with him again.

Decision made, Tim went back to Ducky's place, dropped Jethro off and took transit over to Gibbs' house. Ducky could have taken him, but Tim didn't want Ducky offering any advice this time. He wanted this to be what he felt.

...and he felt angry.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The ride over was just long enough that he started questioning his decision. When he got off the bus and started walking down the seemingly-long block, he began to wonder what he'd do, what he'd say. How in the world he'd be able to look Gibbs in the eye after what had happened.

He saw Gibbs' house and thought that maybe he wouldn't even be there. What would he do then? It would be kind of a letdown.

He walked up the sidewalk and paused for a moment before knocking on the door.

There was no answer for a few seconds, and Tim was about to leave.

Then, a light came on and he heard footsteps coming to the door. Illogically, Tim was suddenly afraid that Gibbs would open the door and hit him again. He knew that was incredibly unlikely. The impetus for that unjustified action had long since been removed.

...but it didn't stop him from tensing up as the door opened.

For a moment, Gibbs just stared at him. He seemed really surprised to see Tim standing there.

"McGee..."

"Hi...Gibbs."

Gibbs nodded at Tim's obvious avoidance of calling him "Boss".

Tim was still angry, but Gibbs' un-Gibbs-like behavior, i.e. no terse questions, no clipped responses...just a silence that was different from the usual Gibbs silence...it kept Tim from laying into him like he had wanted to.

Gibbs stood aside and gestured for Tim to come inside. Tim did...mostly because, now, he didn't know what else to do. He had expected something that would help him get going...because Gibbs often had made him frustrated in the past. Why now, when it would be useful, was he acting so strangely?

"What brings you here, McGee?" Gibbs asked. "Ducky said you weren't ready to talk to me yet."

"I...won't be coming back next week," Tim blurted out...even if he hadn't really decided it consciously until that very moment.

Gibbs blinked at him, looking surprised.

"Why not?"

"I'm not...ready to...to work with you."

"Okay."

There was a long silence and Tim couldn't figure out what to say or do. This wasn't what he'd expected. It wasn't what he wanted truth be told. Gibbs was being way too amenable...and Tim was angered by that. A part of him knew that was ridiculous, but he wasn't in the mood to be reasonable. He wanted to yell at Gibbs and it was hard to do that when Gibbs was being so...so feeble.

"That's it?" Tim asked. "You do your best to ruin my life? You nearly kill me? I tell you that I'm not ready to work for you again...and all you can say is 'okay'?"

"What do you want me to say, McGee?"

"'Sorry' might be nice...even if apologizing for your complete betrayal seems a bit light. You could try apologizing for the fact that you attacked me for no reason other than that you always assume that Abby is right and I'm wrong. You've punished me for what Abby did more than once...because Abby is your little darling who can do no wrong. ...only this time, you didn't even give her a chance to say anything. You flew off the handle without any rational reason. You hit me, Gibbs! You attacked me! ...and you did it even though I've never given you any reason to think that I'd do what you thought I did. What Abby and I are dealing with is hard enough without this thrown in."

"I'm sorry."

Gibbs was still being so strangely amenable...so...meek.

"...or were you hoping that we'd fall apart?" Tim suddenly asked. It wasn't even something he'd considered before, but now, with everything so off-balance, anything seemed possible. "I never got the sense that you were happy with me for marrying Abby. After all, we were breaking your rule. Her parents were happy enough...but you never were. Did you want to kill me, Gibbs? Were you hoping I'd die? You'd get Abby back. The strange interloper in NCIS would be gone."

"No, McGee," Gibbs said softly. "I never wanted any of that."

"But I didn't belong, did I. I never belonged. You want everyone to need you and I didn't. I was happy with my own family. I didn't need another one...and that meant I wasn't really a part of your team." Tim laughed. "I used to want that. I used to look at how you treated the others and I wondered what it was I was doing wrong, why, after all the years I'd been on your team, why was it that I was still stuck on the outside, looking in at everyone else." He took a breath and shook his head. "But now...now, it doesn't matter. Now, I don't care. I can finally see reality. If I was ever a part of this exclusive club, you would never have treated me like you did. I'm just an employee, not someone you know, not someone you see as a human being. I'm your employee."

"McGee..."

"I am," Tim interrupted. "And that's all I'm going to be. I don't care about trying to figure you out anymore. You're not worth it. When I feel that I can work under you again, I'll come back and you won't have to worry about me trying to be anything more than your employee. I'm not going to bother. I will give you the respect you deserve as my boss, and you can take me to task if I don't, but you won't have to suffer through any lame attempts on my part to be something I can never be. You can go back to enjoying your time with Tony and Ziva and Abby. You don't have to feel guilty, not that I think you ever did. I'll have plenty to deal with trying to fix my marriage...if it's even possible. I don't need to deal with you, too."

Gibbs said nothing and Tim turned away to leave...but then, he stopped. He spoke, but facing the door rather than facing Gibbs.

"Director Vance invited me into his home. It was a bit awkward, but he did it and treated Abby and me really well. His wife came over to my house and talked to me one day. It took so little effort on their part and I felt like there was someone at NCIS, besides Ducky and Jimmy, who liked me for myself, who cared about me, not just about what I could do there. One dinner and I was more a part of their circle than I have been in the years I've been working for you. The difference... It's almost painful to see it."

There was another silence and Tim started toward the door.

"I'm sorry it got this far, McGee."

Tim stopped again.

"You're the one who pushed it here. We wouldn't be here if you hadn't hit me."

"I know." Gibbs sighed. "I wish I could change it."

Tim turned around and faced him one last time.

"I wish you could, too. ...but you can't."

Then, he walked out of the house, feeling more depressed than vindicated...but more sure than ever that he wasn't ready to go back to NCIS. ...because he did want to be able to treat Gibbs with the respect due a superior, and he couldn't do that with how he felt now.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky was wondering where Tim had gone to. He was actually ready to go and look for him when the front door opened. The heavy tread told him that Tim wasn't in a better mood than he had been before.

"Timothy?"

Tim came in and sat down heavily in a chair.

"Where have you been?"

"Talking to Gibbs."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I wish I hadn't."

"Why? What did he do?"

"Nothing. He didn't really say very much at all."

Ducky sat down and gestured for Tim to elaborate. Tim shrugged.

"I told him how I felt...and that I wouldn't be bothering trying to be anything other than his employee...and I said that I wasn't ready to come back and work for him yet. He said he was sorry."

"And?"

"And...it's not really enough...but I wish it was. He seemed to mean it...but it's so little...so late...and it doesn't change reality."

Ducky smiled. "It doesn't have to change reality. But it can be a start to creating a new reality."

Tim smiled sadly. "You make it sound so much better than it feels to me."

"Well, I think you're in a pessimistic mood, Timothy."

Tim laughed.

"I told him I wasn't going back next week. I'm going to...talk to Vance and then...go away for a few days."

"Where to?"

"I don't know. Just...away. I was going to go to see my family...but they'd want to ask questions...and even if they didn't say anything, I'd feel like I had to explain. So...I'm just going to go and try and relax a little bit."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Tim chuckled. "Are you going to agree with everything I say, Ducky?"

Ducky smiled in reply. "Only if I actually agree."

"I feel like I'm running away from my problems."

"You are...but that's not necessarily a bad thing."

"Feels like it is."

"It's not. You're trying to deal with everything too quickly. You need the chance to address the issues at your leisure...without even me to advise you. You're more than capable of at least thinking of these things on your own...and you might benefit from escaping the problems for a time. It may give you the chance to regain your resolve...or even to change it should you decide that would be best."

Tim leaned forward and ran his hands over his head. His hair was shorter than it had been. After his surgery, he hadn't liked the patch; so he had decided to cut the rest of his hair really short. That way, it could all grow back together.

"I really...really just want this to be over, but I don't know how to make it over. I don't know even what the best ending would be. I just know that...that I hate this. I hate that I want to forgive them all, but I don't feel like I can."

Ducky stood up and walked over to Tim, squeezing his shoulder.

"Then, take a few days, Timothy. Don't force it. I keep telling you that there isn't a specific timeline. You can take the time you need. Take it, Timothy."

Tim nodded. "Okay. I'll talk to Director Vance tomorrow."

"Good."

Tim took a deep breath and stood up.

"Timothy?"

"Yeah?"

"It's alright to be upset even now."

"Good..." Tim said and his voice got thick. "...because I am."

"After you speak to Director Vance, I would recommend that you choose where you'll go and then go there. Don't start questioning your decision."

Tim smiled. "Okay...because I want to do this...but I don't think I should...want to."

"You should. Go."

"Okay."