On some level, Olivia was aware of her body and her surroundings. She could hear the voices and feel the hands touching her but responding to the sensations seemed like it would take more energy than she had to give. She had exactly enough strength to deal dimly with her own body's basic needs; anything else wasn't important enough. When she was tired, she slept. When she was sick, she heaved. When she was cold, she hugged herself. Otherwise, she just stayed still and let her thoughts run away with her.
It was a dramatic relief to be so free and independent. In a way, she didn't even feel as if her body belonged to her. Sure, she felt its needs and responded, but it no longer felt as though she really possessed it or had any meaningful connection to it. It was just there. Sometimes, she could look down, as if she hung from the ceiling, and see the limp body in the bed. Consciously, she knew that the body was hers but, in her newly free state, she didn't care about it or about what had happened to it. It didn't matter.
Without her injured body to stop her, Olivia could do as she wished. She put on beautiful clothes and rubbed the softness of silks, cashmeres and cottons between her palms. She walked through the streets and looked down the narrow alleyways between tall buildings. Snow fell from light gray clouds and alit on her shoulders and hair but, instead of making her cold, they felt gently warm to the touch. They didn't melt and soon she had to brush them away or be buried. She stretched out her hand and laughed when Alex took it. It was perfect.
Hand in hand, Olivia allowed her dream-Alex to lead the way into a movie theater. Though the sidewalks had been teeming with pedestrians, the theater's lobby was completely empty but for the flashing lights and enormous garish posters. Though she would normally have found the setting a little eerie, Olivia felt no fear. Warmed with anticipation, Olivia followed the blonde into a theater and took a seat. As in the lobby, she and Alex were completely alone. Olivia grinned widely. With no one around, maybe she could ignore the movie and pay attention to Alex instead. She turned to wrap an arm around Alex's shoulder but her outstretched hand was met instead with an enormous bucket of popcorn. She was stunned into silence for a moment before her stomach growled loudly. Suddenly, she was ravenous. Rolling her eyes at Alex's customary delicateness as she reached for the popcorn, Olivia dug in.
From the first light and fluffy kernel, Olivia firmly decided that this was the best popcorn she had ever tasted. Every piece was warm and crunchy with just the right amount of butter and salt to make it perfect. No tough skins irritated her gums and no old maids threatened to crack her teeth. She was just about to compliment Alex on the treat's tastiness when the lights rapidly dimmed and the theater buzzed with the faint sound of the movie projector's spinning. Briefly, Olivia wondered what movie they would see. But, before she could ask, her question was answered for her.
In brightly true colors and extreme proportions, the scenes of torture were projected on the enormous screen. Though there was no sound, Olivia could clearly see the woman screaming in agony as faceless men bent over her with flashing, steel blades. With muffled shock, Olivia realized that the screaming woman was herself. She could remember this torture, though not from this angle. Instead of being recorded from the woman's prone position, the movie had been shot as if from the point of view of one of the torturers. Olivia was watching her own suffering as if she were the one inflicting it. Dimly, Olivia searched her emotions for pity or pain or horror but she found none. Though she clearly understood that this was no mere movie, that someone had actually done these things to her, she felt nothing. She could feel nothing. That body was a stranger to her. The way she sat now - in the movie theater, wearing warm clothes and holding Alex's hand - was reality. This was her.
Feeling eyes upon her, Olivia turned her head and met Alex's gaze. There was laughter evident there and a wide smile on Alex's lips. For a moment, Olivia simply stared before she too began to smile. With a gentle touch, Alex used her fingers to turn Olivia's chin so that she looked back at the movie screen. Made complacent by the faint, but ever present, knowledge that this was all a dream, Olivia complied and was rewarded by Alex's lips nuzzling at her neck. Stretching back to allow Alex more complete access to her throat, Olivia continued to watch the horrific scenes unfold on the screen before her. They were bloodcurdling and yet she felt only the warmth of Alex's breath over her skin. She blinked, shutting her eyes lingeringly as she enjoyed the touch. She knew that there was something else she should be feeling, something darker, but Alex was too distracting and Olivia was all too willing to be distracted.
In the few hours after Olivia's second round of chemo, Alex was well prepared. She had microwaved the comforting heating pads and double checked the supply of mouth rinse she kept by the bedside. These were the things that soothed Olivia most when her body revolted against the drugs. As before, Alex cradled her girlfriend in her lap, supporting her when she retched and holding her tightly when she rested. The entire process was becoming uncomfortably familiar, but there was little else Alex could do.
This time, however, instead of regaining her normal level of alertness and small activities, Olivia stopped responding once the nausea lessened. It was if she had simply quit. Alex tried speaking to her, tried coaxing her to tell a story or at least ask for one. She stroked her fingertips over Olivia's bald head and tickled her, pleading silently for a chuckle or an irritated swat. Nothing she did produced a response to indicate that Olivia was indeed still with her. And, yet, she was clearly not completely gone.
There were small signs. When nurses came to bathe Olivia or to replace her IV bag, Olivia would shy away from their touch and even from their presence. Her movements weren't violent, but subtle; turning her head away; wrapping an arm around her body. Alex, watching like a hawk, noticed. When the blankets slipped down from her shoulders, Olivia reached out. Her hand would crawl blindly over the sheets until, finding the hem, she could pull the blanket back up to cover herself. Alex repeated the experiment several times, tugging the blankets down a little further each time. Each time, sooner or later, Olivia reached down and replaced them. It was like she was dozing.
Sometimes, Alex caught Olivia smiling, her eyes closed. She looked like she was dreaming of something delightful. Alex wondered what it could be. She supposed that it must be nicer than reality. That said, however, her lack of real responsiveness worried the blonde and, unable to stand it any longer, she spoke to the doctor.
He appeared with unfailing regularity at uncomfortably early hours, always with a few students or residents in tow. Despite these staring extras, however, Alex genuinely liked the man. His name was Dr. Black, Olivia's oncologist, and he was clearly an excellent teacher as well as a great comfort to his patients and their families. He certainly was to Alex.
On the second day of Olivia's seeming coma, Alex pointed it out to the doctor. He lowered his eyebrows for a moment, seemingly lost in thought, before he approached her bedside. He pressed two fingers to her wrist, feeling her pulse as if there was something he could detect that the machines couldn't. He released her hand and replaced it on the bedcovers. Glancing over his shoulder, he fixed his three pupils in his steady gaze. "What can you tell me about Ms. Benson that might explain her symptoms?"
Instantly, all three began to speak, each trying to make his or her own case before the others. With a gentle wave of his hand, Dr. Black quieted them and, with raised eyebrows, reminded them silently to take their turns. Alex watched, quietly amused, as they each gave an opinion. The first two gave very serious, thoughtful analyses, citing a reaction to the chemotherapy drugs or a comatose state brought about by stress and trauma. The third remained silent for a moment, pressing his lips together as if working up the courage to speak. Sensing his senior's eyes upon him, however, he quietly murmured his opinion.
"She doesn't want to wake up."
Dr. Black chuckled at the answer, pointedly ignoring the superior glances the other students flashed at the third. "Well, Dr. Banerjee, since yours is the easiest to test, let's see if you're right." He beckoned the unsettled resident over to the bedside and leaned to murmur instructions into his ear while the other residents strained subtly to hear. With wide eyes, Dr. Banerjee took Olivia's hand and lifted her arm. Biting his lip, he reached out to touch her bicep and, with a split-second's hesitation, pinched her. Alex, who up until now had watched passively but with interest, leapt forward, snarling, to pull him away. The young resident started but kept his place as Dr. Black stopped Alex short with a hand on her arm. Placated for the moment that the doctor she had liked so well had some sort of plan in mind, Alex restrained herself though she remained stiff and protective at Olivia's side. With a reassuring nod from Dr. Black, Dr. Banerjee tore his eyes away from the fuming blonde. More hesitantly than before, he pinched his patient again.
This time, Olivia beat even Alex to the punch. Her free hand shot out and grasped Dr. Banerjee's wrist tightly. She opened her eyes just a crack and fixed the unnerved doctor with a flat gaze. "Fuck off."
Alex, so tense only a moment before, felt all of her anxiety flood from her body in a raw nerved rush. She laughed out loud, the unexpected sound making everyone in the cramped room jump in surprise. This was her old Liv, back in the flesh, and she was certain that no single sentiment had ever made her heart so warm. Especially such a crude one, she mused happily. Dr. Black quickly joined in her laughter, taking in the shocked looks on his residents' faces and clapping Dr. Banerjee soundly on the back.
"Why you should be proud of yourself?" he crowed. "I don't ever think I've seen a patient make such a quick recovery!" Awkwardly, Dr. Banerjee extracted himself from Olivia's grasp and backed away, clearly unsure of whether to feel satisfied or thoroughly embarrassed. Dr. Black ignored his deep blush and turned to his other residents. "You two would have put Ms. Benson through hell and back when your fellow here was smart enough to see the real problem. I think we should all make a note of this: don't throw an MRI at a problem a little pinch would fix. Now, unless these two nice ladies need anything else, I think we should get back to rounds." He turned to leave but stopped when Alex gripped his shoulder firmly.
Looking him directly in the eye, she spoke in a sharply edged voice. "If you ever, ever try anything like that again without telling me…" She paused for a moment, trying unsuccessfully to keep the overjoyed grin from her lips. "I'll kick your ass from here to Newark and back." As she finished, she simply could not resist any longer and her stern expression dissolved into laughter. Dr. Black grinned and shot his residents a quick look.
"Let that be the second lesson," he said humorously. "Never, ever surprise a lawyer."
