I do not own Blue Exorcist.

Rin.

The word is like heaven and hell to my ears.

It's the name of the person I care about more than anything.

But he is dead, and I now have no reason to live either.

I love you, Shiemi.

I love you too, Rin.

Last thing I remember from that day was passing out next to Rin, hoping that I could join him in death. That was three days ago. 72 hours ago. Even though I'm alive, it feels like a part of me died that day alongside Rin. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. I haven't moved from my bed. I haven't even cried. I've just… existed.

Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here's what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it's still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it's been too long since you missed them last.

I thought of Grandma, and her smiley face. In this situation, she would be telling me those exact words. I sighed, and hugged my pillows. I miss her. She always knew how to make me better. I if she was here, she might now how to help me smile. I wish I could talk to her. No, I wish I could talk to Rin more than anything.

But its not going to happen. It's never going to happen. Why do I have to lose everyone important to me? My father, my grandma, Rin. Now I have no one.

Death. It's around more than people realize. Because no one wants to talk about it or hear about it. It's too sad. Too painful. Too hard. The list of reasons is endless.

I heard a knock on my door. Usually, I would answer it, but I can't. Not today. Someone knocked again. I thought that they would get the message that I don't want to see anyone.

Again. Why can't they just leave me alone? I got out of bed, walked down the hall, and up to the door.

"Go away," I said, not opening the door.

"Shiemi, its Yukio and Izumo, please let us in," asked Yuki.

Izumo Kamiki. She's the reason this whole thing happened. The reason I had to say goodbye to Rin and watch him die in my arms. If she thinks that she can barge in here and act like nothings wrong then she is mistaken.

"I told you to leave me alone!" I shouted.

"Shiemi, I came here because I wanted to apologize," said Izumo, sounding sincere.

I suddenly opened the door, to see their faces. Yuki looked serious, and Izumo looked truly upset. I'm not buying it. She looked upset when she was possessed as well.

"This is all your fault, you know that? If you hadn't let that demon into you, Rin wouldn't have had to die!" I shouted, feeling tears prick my eyes.

"I know that, and I feel awful about it," she said, looking down.

"You feel awful? What about me? I had to watch the man I love die! I don't think you have a clue how awful this is!" I yelled, shutting my eyes tight.

"To be fair, Izumo couldn't help being possessed, it wasn't her fault, it was the demons," said Yuko, seriously.

"Why are you taking her side? She did this to me! She killed your brother!" I shouted, trying to convince Yuki.

"Shiemi, I came here to take you somewhere, she came here to apologise," said Yuki, still unaffected.

"Don't you care that your brother died? He was so happy that you and him had finally connected, it meant to world to him-"

"Stop it Shiemi! Stop blaming other people for what happened!" shouted Yuki, putting his arms on my shoulders.

My tears ran down my face. I stood there, crying like a baby. Izumo looked sad, Yuki's eyebrows had lowered, showing that her was concerned.

"I wanted to kill someone and I wanted to die and I wanted to run as far and as fast as I could because he is gone. He has fallen off the face of the earth and he is never coming back," I cried, hugging Yuki. "...I'm tired of everyone looking at me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every damned day. I'm tired of waking up in the morning, and then remembering..."

Yuki hugged me back. I heard his heart beat against my chest. His heart, it's the same as Rins. I closed my eyes, and sighed. It felt like a part of me was hugging Rin at that moment. Yuki pulled away, and looked me in the eyes.

"I have to take you somewhere Shiemi. Go and get changed," he said, letting go of me.

I sighed, and nodded. I ran back inside, and into my room. I grabbed my school uniform, because my kimonos are being washed. I looked into the mirror. My hair was all tangled, and my eyes were red from crying. Who cares? I ran back out to Yuki and Izumo, and closed the door.

"Is this okay?" I asked him.

"It's perfect," he said, smiling.

He led me out of my dorm, and out of the building. Where is he taking me? He's acting very suspicious.

Promise me, Shiemi, that you will be happy.

I… I'll try.

I'm sorry Rin, I didn't keep my promise. I will be happy for you. I won't die, because if I do, my memories of us will die with me. All those good times, will fade away. I'm not going to let that happen. I will remember you forever.