"You Should Be Dancing"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by the Bee Gees.
I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-22.
Once again, listening to the music in this episode is highly recommended. Come on, it's fun! You know you love disco!
Thanks for the reviews! You guys are fabulous! Have fun at the disco!
ACT 1
SCENE 1
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT, MORNING. ERIC AND FEZ ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH AND KELSO IS IN THE LAWN CHAIR. THEY'RE WATCHING TV WHEN THE DOOR OPENS AND A VERY TIRED LOOKING HYDE STUMBLES IN. HE TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND HIS CLOTHES LOOK EVEN MORE RUMPLED THAN USUSAL.
ERIC:
(grinning at Hyde) Um, Hyde. I know you're really fond of Aerosmith and all, but you wore that tee shirt yesterday.
HYDE CROSSES TO HIS CHAIR AND SLUMPS DOWN INTO IT.
HYDE:
(very grouchy) I slept in my clothes last night. I was too freakin' tired to take my pants off. Prisoners of war get more sleep than I do. Every insomniac in Wisconsin gets more sleep than I do. People without eyelids get more sleep than I do.
ERIC:
(with a laugh) Dude, you're a mess. You really need to -
HYDE:
(interrupts Eric with a threatening glare) If you say, "get some sleep" I'm gonna shave both your eyebrows off.
ERIC:
(nervously) Never mind.
KELSO:
(with a dopey smile) Remember in "The Wall" when that dude shaved his eyebrows off. I didn't sleep for weeks. It freaked the hell out of me.
FEZ:
You know what freaks me out? Hyde and his stinky day-old tee shirt. (he laughs at his own joke) Ah, good burn, Fez.
THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND JACKIE, CARRYING LAYLA RUNS IN, EXCITEDLY, FOLLOWED BY LAURIE AND DONNA, WHO IS CARRYING JAGGER.
JACKIE:
Oh my God, I have amazing news!
HYDE RISES FROM HIS CHAIR AND TAKES JAGGER FROM DONNA, THEN HE HEADS BACK OVER TO HIS CHAIR AND SITS BACK DOWN. JACKIE, WITH LAYLA, FOLLOWS HIM AND SHE SITS ON HIS LAP.
DONNA:
(shaking her head) It's not that amazing.
DONNA CROSSES TO ERIC'S SIDE OF THE COUCH AND SITS ON THE ARM. LAURIE DOES THE SAME ON FEZ'S SIDE.
LAURIE:
(giving Donna a bitchy look) It's totally amazing.
DONNA:
Laurie, you think Fez is amazing.
LAURIE:
(smugly) Fez is a love machine. (giving Donna a bitchy glare) And Eric is a botard.
DONNA:
Nice, Laurie. Really nice.
LAURIE:
I'm sorry to have to offend all the botards out there, but it's true.
DONNA STANDS UP AND WALKS IN FRONT OF THE COUCH TOWARDS LAURIE.
DONNA:
(points, threateningly, at Laurie) You better take that back, or else.
LAURIE STANDS UP AND SHE CROSSES CLOSER TO DONNA.
LAURIE:
(poking Donna on the shoulder) Or else, what?
DONNA:
(with a frown) Or else I'm gonna grab you by you giant Farrah hair-do and shove you into the deep freeze.
KELSO JUMPS UP, EXCITEDLY, AND PICKS UP THE COFFEE TABLE. THEN HE STEPS BACK GIVING DONNA AND LAURIE ROOM TO GO AT IT.
KELSO:
GIRL FIGHT! Everybody clear a little space.
HYDE:
Hey! No cat fights around my kids. (he frowns when he realizes what he has said) Oh my God, who said that?
JACKIE:
(irritated) Hello! Doesn't anybody wanna hear my news?
ERIC:
(ignoring Jackie) Not really. Unless it's that you've got a kiddie pool filled with jell-o for the girl fight to take place in.
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes) Grow up, there's not gonna be a girl fight.
KELSO:
(with a pout) But I moved the coffee table and everything.
FEZ GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND STEPS IN FRONT OF LAURIE TO FACE OFF WITH DONNA.
FEZ:
(to Donna) Are you afraid my Laurie would kick your ass?
ERIC GETS UP AND STEPS IN FRONT OF DONNA TO FACE OFF WITH FEZ.
ERIC:
(to Fez) No. She's afraid that Laurie might never recover from the ass whooping Donna would give her.
FEZ:
(points at Eric) Oh you better take that back, buddy.
ERIC:
(squaring off against Fez) Make me.
KELSO STEPS IN AND LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN FEZ AND ERIC.
KELSO:
Um, guys, a dude fight's not as good as a chick fight so can you move so I can put the coffee table back.
EVERYBODY SITS BACK DOWN AND KELSO PUTS THE COFFEE TABLE BACK. LAURIE SNUGGLES INTO FEZ'S LAP AND THEY BEGIN RUBBING NOSES.
JACKIE:
(to everyone) Ok, now are you ready to hear my news?
ERIC:
(very sarcastically) Well, there's no chick fight, Hyde's turned into a goody two shoes, and Fez and Laurie are groping each other. So, your news should just about make this the new worst day ever. (he smiles at Jackie) Go ahead.
JACKIE:
(dramatically) The disco in Kenosha is closing.
ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO ALL START CLAPPING.
HYDE:
(with a big grin) That's great news, baby. Thanks for sharing.
ERIC:
Way to turn this crappy day around, Jackie.
JACKIE:
(stares at the guys in disbelief) No. That's not good news. It's terrible.
HYDE:
According to who?
FEZ:
(with a pout) To those of us who love to boogie, that's who.
DONNA:
Tell them the rest of your, (doing air quotes) "amazing news", Jackie.
JACKIE REACHES INTO HER COAT POCKET AND HOLDS UP A HANDFUL OF TICKETS.
JACKIE:
(excitedly) I got us all tickets for the final night party this week-end.
ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO THINK ABOUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN THEY ALL FROWN.
ERIC, HYDE AND KELSO:
Boo!
JACKIE'S SMILE FALLS WHILE THE GUYS CONTINUE TO BOO.
END SCENE
CUT TO THEME SONG
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT AFTERNOON. HYDE IS ASLEEP IN RED'S CHAIR. HE HAS JAGGER ON HIS CHEST AND HE IS ALSO SLEEPING. JACKIE AND KITTY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH PLAYING WITH LAYLA. KITTY SMILES AT HYDE WHEN SHE NOTICES HE IS ASLEEP.
KITTY:
(quietly) He looks so sweet when he's sleeping.
JACKIE:
I know. Don't you just wanna put some clean clothes on him and shave off his sideburns.
HYDE:
(with a scowl and without opening his eyes) I can hear you.
JACKIE:
(she frowns) Then he opens his mouth, and the moment is ruined.
HYDE OPENS HIS EYES AND SMIRKS AT JACKIE.
HYDE:
That's funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.
RED, ERIC AND DONNA ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN.
KITTY:
Well there they are. How's the house coming along?
ERIC:
(putting his arm around Donna, proudly) We now, officially, have a basement. The foundation was poured this afternoon.
RED:
(with a smile) Kitty, it was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. With every pound of cement poured, I could see Eric packing up his little toys and moving out of my house.
DONNA:
(chuckling) Red took the construction workers out for beers to celebrate.
RED FROWNS WHEN HE NOTICES THAT HYDE AND JAGGER ARE SLEEPING IN HIS CHAIR.
RED:
Why is Steven sleeping in my chair? I left specific instructions that this room is to be empty tonight. I wanna watch the hockey game in peace.
HYDE OPENS HIS EYES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
HYDE:
I'll sleep on your roof if it means people will just leave me alone.
ERIC:
(giving Hyde a teasing smile) Man, don't you have your own house?
RED:
(scowls at Eric) Don't you?
ERIC:
(he smile falls and he looks a little nervous) Well, a partial house. Really it's just a big, empty basement.
HYDE GETS UP AND HANDS JAGGER TO JACKIE, THEN HE HEADS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR.
JACKIE:
(calling after Hyde) Steven, where are you going?
HYDE:
(over his shoulder) To go sleep in Forman's empty basement.
HYDE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 3
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. EVERYBODY HAS SOME SORT OF DRINK AND THERE ARE SOME SNACKS ON THE TABLE. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE ARE ON THE COUCH. DONNA, JACKIE, HOLDING LAYLA, AND LAURIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF RED'S CHAIR. FEZ AND KELSO ARE SITTING ON THE PIANO BENCH. HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER, AND ERIC ARE STANDING BEHIND THE COUCH. ERIC IS PACING NERVOUSLY. EVERYONE IS GLUED TO THE TV AS THEY WATCH THE FINAL MINUTES OF THE U.S. PLAYING RUSSIA IN THE OLYMPICS. THE VOICE OF AL MIICHAELS AND THE CHEERS OF THE CROWD CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV.
RED:
(stunned) I can't believe we're winning. I can't believe we're beating those dirty commies. First Eric buys a house and now this. (he turns to Kitty and smiles) I'm a happy man, Kitty. I don't even care that there are a hundred damn kids in my living room.
ERIC:
(extremely nervous) Oh my freakin' God, this has been, like, the longest ten minutes of my life.
DONNA HAS A HAND OVER HER EYES LIKE SHE CAN'T WATCH. SHE PULLS ON JACKIE'S SHIRT TO GET HER ATTENTION.
DONNA:
I can't watch. Jackie, tell me what's happening.
JACKIE WATCHES THE TV AND TRIES TO DESCRIBE TO DONNA WHAT'S GOING ON.
JACKIE:
Ok, um, the big goons in the red jerseys are trying to get the puck from the big goons in the white jerseys.
DONNA, WITHOUT TAKING HER HAND OFF HER EYES, FROWNS.
DONNA:
Ok, wrong person to ask. (she turns towards Bob) Dad, what's happening?
BOB:
(ignoring Donna) Don't talk to Daddy right now, sweetheart. He's saying a prayer.
EVERYBODY BEGINS TO HOLLER, REACTING TO SOMETHING IN THE GAME.
KELSO:
(excitedly) Holy crap, he just totally slammed that commie into the boards.
HYDE:
(with a grin and a nod) That's good stuff. (holding up Jagger to talk to him) Jagger, you wanna play hockey, big man?
FEZ:
(with a huge smile) We are going to win!
EVERYONE TURNS AND GLARES AT FEZ. FEZ LOOKS VERY CONFUSED.
DONNA:
(angrily) What the hell, Fez?
LAURIE:
(frowning at Fez) You just jinxed us.
KITTY:
(quickly) You have to turn around three times, spit and then wait outside until the game is over.
FEZ:
(with a pout) But it is snowing.
KITTY:
(yells in a crazed voice) DO IT!
FEZ:
(frantically) Oh my God, ok!
FEZ PROCEEDS TO QUICKLY STAND UP, TURN AROUND THREE TIMES, THEN HE STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND, NERVOUSLY, FOR A PLACE TO SPIT.
HYDE:
(yells at Fez) Just pretend to spit, moron!
FEZ:
(spastically) Stop yelling at me!
FEZ PRETENDS TO SPIT AND THEN RUNS OUT THE FRONT DOOR IN A HUFF.
ERIC:
(eyes glued to the TV) Ten seconds to go.
RED:
(quickly, to Hyde and Jagger) Jagger, you come sit with Grandpa Red because you are about to witness a miracle.
HYDE HANDS JAGGER TO RED. THE COUNTDOWN AND AL MICHAELS ARE HEARD COMING FROM THE TV.
ANNOUNCER:
Do you believe in miracles?
RED:
(yelling at the TV) Dammit, I just said that!
ANNOUNCER:
Yes!
ERIC:
(in disbelief) Holy Mary, mother of God! We won!
EVERYBODY JUMPS UP, ECSTATICALLY AND BEGINS CELEBRATING.
RED:
(with a huge smile) Take that commie bastards!
KELSO:
Man, I'm so proud to be an American! Hyde, toss me a good old American beer.
HYDE HEADS TO THE BAR AND BEGINS TOSSING OUT BEERS TO EVERYBODY. BOB STARTS TO GET A LITTLE TEARY.
JOANNE:
Bob, are you crying?
BOB:
That was so beautiful. I'm sorry, Red. I know I'm breaking your, "no crying in the house" rule.
RED:
(patting Bob on the back) Bob, I'm gonna let this one pass. Because that was beautiful.
FEZ:
(yelling through the door) Can I come back inside now? My nose hairs are starting to freeze.
EVERYONE IGNORES FEZ AND GOES BACK TO CELEBRATING.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, LATER THAT NIGHT. THERE IS SNOW EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE IS BUNDLED UP. FEZ, KELSO AND DONNA ARE PLAYING BOOT HOCKEY IN THE DRIVEWAY. ERIC AND HYDE, WITH HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE, ARE LEANING AGAINST THE CRUISER. LAURIE IS LEANING AGAINST THE BASKETBALL HOOP WATCHING FEZ PLAY HOCKEY.
KELSO:
Man, I am so pumped we beat the Russians!
ERIC:
(pensively) It almost inspires me to get up and do something competitive.
HYDE:
(to Eric) You could play a little boot hockey.
ERIC:
(with a shrug) Eh. It's so much work.
HYDE:
(grins at Eric) Beer drinking contest?
ERIC:
(to Hyde) It's like you can read my mind.
HYDE GRABS A SIX PACK OF BEER OFF THE CAR AND OFFERS IT TO ERIC, WHO GRABS ONE. THE HOCKEY GAME BREAKS UP AND EVERYBODY WANDERS TOWARDS THE CRUISER. HYDE BEGINS TOSSING OUT BEERS.
FEZ:
(taking Laurie's hand) I wish there was a contest Laurie and I could win.
JACKIE:
(giving Laurie and Fez a snarky look) Why don't you read the back of a Playboy, I'm sure you'll find something.
HYDE:
(smiling proudly at Jackie) Nice.
KELSO:
If there was a contest for hottest guy in Point Place, I'd win.
HYDE:
(to Kelso) If there was a contest for most trips to the free clinic you'd win that too.
FEZ:
(smiling) If there were a contest for best dancer, I would win.
DONNA:
(with a laugh) Only because nobody else would enter it.
JACKIE:
I would. (she gasps and then gets a huge smile on her face) Oh my God, let's make the trip to the disco a dancing contest! The couple that wins can be, like, the gold medalists of disco dancing.
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes) Pfft. Lame.
ERIC:
(nodding in agreement) The lamest.
HYDE:
(with a wicked smirk) Maybe you don't wanna make it a competition 'cause you know Jackie and I are gonna win. 'Cause evil always wins.
ERIC:
Evil?
HYDE:
Yeah, it's - (indicating he and Jackie) evil, (indicating Eric and Donna) good, (indicating Fez and Laurie) and perverted.
ERIC:
Oh yeah? The U.S. just won, and they're not evil. So ... take that!
HYDE:
Forman, did you see how badass our hockey team was? (nodding) Face it, man, they're evil.
KELSO:
(with a dopey smile he nudges Eric) Hey guys, what about me? What kind of couple do I make?
HYDE:
Kelso, a couple means two people. You're 50 percent shy of a couple, man.
KELSO:
Ok, say I bring Brooke. Then what kind of couple do I make?
HYDE:
The kind where everybody goes, "why is she going out with him"?
KELSO:
(thinks about it, then nods in agreement) Yeah, that sounds right.
JACKIE:
(taunting Donna) So, what's it gonna be? In or chicken?
DONNA:
(points at Jackie) Oh we're in and we are so gonna kick you guys' asses.
LAURIE:
(with a bitchy sneer) Please, people with no legs are better dancers than Eric. Fez and I are gonna beat all of you losers.
FEZ:
Thank you, my lovely. (he spins Laurie around and then dips her) There's just a little taste for you poor, sorry, cannot dance, losers.
HYDE:
So. Everybody in?
ERIC:
(getting a little worked up) Oh, it's ON, pal. (pointing at Hyde) And just so ya know - evil doesn't win. Good always wins, my friend.
HYDE:
That's just in the movies, Forman. In real life - evil wins.
HYDE AND JACKIE GRIN, WICKEDLY AT THE REST OF THE GANG.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 5
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM, A FEW MINUTES LATER. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR. KITTY, HOLDING JAGGER, JOANNE, HOLDING LAYLA, AND BOB ARE ON THE COUCH. THEY ALL STILL LOOK A LITTLE STUNNED AND RED HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE.
RED:
That was amazing.
BOB:
(with a nod) That was super.
RED:
That was unbelievable.
KITTY:
I haven't seen Red this happy since ... (thinks for a few seconds then frowns) I've never seen Red this happy.
JOANNE:
(grinning at Red and Bob) You guys act like it was you out there on the ice.
RED:
If we would've been out there those commies would still be laying on the ice a bloody mess.
BOB:
That's true. (he smiles) Red likes his commies bloody.
JOANNE:
(teasing Bob and Red) Big talk from a couple of couch potatoes.
RED:
(gives Joanne an annoyed look) What?
JOANNE:
You guys care to test your competitive skills with a friendly game?
KITTY:
(excitedly) Ooh, we could play that new Trivial Pursuit.
BOB:
(with a pout) A thinking game? Couldn't we just go bowling or something?
RED:
(points at Joanne) You're on! Kitty and I against you two. (indicating Bob and Joanne)
BOB:
(smiles at Kitty) Will you make cheese puffs?
KITTY:
Sure, Bob.
BOB:
(shrugs) Ok, that will make losing not so bad.
THEY GO BACK TO WATCHING TV.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 6
INT. ERIC AND DONNA'S NEW HOUSE, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING ON A COUPLE OF BUCKETS IN THEIR EMPTY BASEMENT. THERE IS LOTS OF CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT LAYING AROUND. THEY BOTH LOOK SO HAPPY AS THEY STARE AT THEIR NEW ROOM.
DONNA:
(with a huge smile) I can't believe we have a basement. Look at how beautiful the cement is.
ERIC:
(nodding) It really is. I don't think I've ever seen cement more perfect than this cement. (he looks at Donna) So why are we here? (suddenly excited) Oh my God, are we gonna do it on our new, freshly poured cement floor?
DONNA:
(with a laugh) Eric, it's like fifteen degrees in here.
ERIC:
Yeah, but it's 100 degrees in my loins, Donna.
DONNA STANDS UP AND TAKES ERIC'S HAND, PULLING HIM UP OFF OF HIS BUCKET AS WELL.
DONNA:
We are here ... to practice.
ERIC:
(confused) To practice ... (hopefully) doing it?
DONNA BENDS DOWN AND TURNS ON A SMALL TAPE PLAYER SITTING ON THE FLOOR. "LET'S GROOVE" BY EARTH, WIND AND FIRE PLAYS.
"Move the boogie down, down the floor"
ERIC:
(very annoyed) Oh what in the hell ...
DONNA:
I know, it sucks. But you know what sucks more?
ERIC:
(sarcastically) Um ... nothing?
DONNA:
(irritated) Losing another contest to Jackie and Hyde. (squishing up her face in disgust) Or worse Laurie and Fez.
ERIC:
What about Kelso?
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes) Oh please, the only contest we're losing to Kelso is that free clinic visits thing.
ERIC:
(whining) But Donna, it's disco.
DONNA:
(poking Eric in the chest) Yeah, and guess what - you're doing it. 'Cause I am not listening to, (doing her Jackie imitation) "Donna, Steven and I rule. Donna, Steven and I win everything. Donna, Steven and I had sex for three hours last night", again.
ERIC:
Three hours? No wonder the guy's so tired. It's not his screaming kids, it's his nympho of a wife.
DONNA:
So. (she smiles) Are you in?
ERIC:
(giving Donna his best cheesy smile) Let's do this thing, baby. (yelling into the air) Kiss this contest goodbye, Jackie and Hyde!
ERIC GRABS DONNA'S HAND AND PULLS HER TO HIM. THEY BEGIN TO DANCE. THEY'RE DANCING A LITTLE AWKWARDLY AT FIRST BUT GRADUALLY ERIC GETS BETTER AND BETTER UNTIL ERIC BECOMES A LITTLE TOO CONFIDENT IN HIS DANCING AND BREAKS AWAY FROM DONNA, DOING A SOLO. DONNA WATCHES HIM WITH AMUSEMENT AT FIRST BUT AS ERIC GETS MORE AND MORE INTO IT SHE LOOKS A LITTLE IRRITATED. HE IS DANCING LIKE A COMPLETE SPAZ AND HE FINALLY REALIZES DONNA HAS STOPPED DANCING AND IS WATCHING HIM, WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND A SCOWL ON HER FACE. ERIC SMILES SHEEPISHLY, STOPS DANCING AND OFFERS A HAND TO DONNA. SHE TAKES HIS HAND AND THEY RESUME THEIR DANCING.
"Gonna tell ya what you can do with my love, alright
Let you know, girl you're lookin' good
You're outta sight, alright
Just move yourself and glide like a 747
And lose yourself in the sky among the clouds in the heavens"
CUT TO INT. BROOKE'S APARTMENT.
KELSO IS HOLDING BETSY AND TRYING TO DANCE WITH BROKE AT THE SAME TIME. BROOKE IS TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT KELSO'S LACK OF RHYTHM. KELSO HANDS BETSY TO BROOKE AND THEN HE TRIES TO GET FANCY, SPINNING AND JUMPING, SPASTICALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE ENDS UP TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET AND FALLING FACE FIRST ONTO THE FLOOR. BROOKE BENDS DOWN AND HELPS HIM UP. KELSO TRIES TO PUT ON A TOUGH GUY ACT, LIKE HE MEANT TO FALL ON HIS FACE. BROOKE GIVES HIM A SMILE AND KISSES HIM SWEETLY ON HIS CHEEK. KELSO'S FACE LIGHTS UP AND HE DOES A FIST PUMP.
"Let this groove, light up your fuse, it's alright, alright, alright
Let this groove, set in your shoes
So stand up, alright, alright
Let me tell ya what you can do with my love, alright
Gotta let you know, girl, you're lookin' good
You're outta sight, alright
CUT TO INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S LIVING ROOM.
HYDE AND JACKIE ARE STANDING BY THE RECORD PLAYER THEY'RE EACH HOLDING UP RECORDS. THEY ARE ARGUING OVER WHICH ONE TO PLAY. FINALLY, JACKIE GIVES HYDE A BIG POUT AND PUPPY DOG EYES AND HE RELENTS, GRABBING JACKIE'S RECORD FROM HER. HE PUTS IT ON AND SHE BEGINS DANCING SEDUCTIVELY TO THE MUSIC. HYDE GETS A WICKED SMIRK ON HIS FACE AS HE WATCHES JACKIE DANCE. HE PULLS HER TO HIM AND THEY DANCE FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE JACKIE JUMPS UP AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND HYDE'S WAIST. THEY START MAKING OUT.
"Just tell the DJ to play your favorite tune
Then you know it's okay
What you found is happening now
Let this groove, light up your fuse, it's alright, alright, alright
Let this groove set in your shoes
So stand up, stand up, alright
CUT TO INT. LAURIE, FEZ AND KELSO'S APARTMENT.
FEZ AND LAURIE ARE WEARING SPANDEX WORKOUT CLOTHES AND THEY ARE BOTH SWEATING LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN DANCING HARD FOR HOURS. THEY ARE PERFORMING A CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE AND THEY ARE VERY GOOD. THEY BOTH LOOK INCREDIBLY SERIOUS. AS THE SONG TURNS INTO A ROBOTIC TYPE BEAT FEZ BEGINS HIS ROBOT DANCING AND LAURIE CONTINUES ON BY HERSELF PERFORMING HER OWN ROUTINE.
"Let this groove get you to move, it's alright, alright, alright
Let this groove set in your shoes, so stand up, alright, alright
You will find peace of mind on the floor
Take a little time come and see you and me
Give a little sign
I'll be there after a while if you want my love
We can boogie on down"
CUT TO INT. ERIC AND DONNA'S NEW HOUSE.
ERIC AND DONNA ARE STILL DANCING TOGETHER. ERIC TWIRLS DONNA AND YANKS HER TO HIM WITH A GRIN.
ERIC:
If the U.S. can beat Russia, we can beat Jackie and Hyde.
DONNA:
(with a smile) Damn right.
"Let's groove tonight
Share the spice of life
Baby, slice it right
We're gonna groove tonight
ERIC AND DONNA CONTINUE DANCING.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. THE DISCO, A FEW DAYS LATER, NIGHTTIME. THE DISCO LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME. THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND THE MUSIC IS LOUD. THE GANG MAKES THEIR WAY TO ONE OF THE TABLES. "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC" BY WILD CHERRY IS PLAYING. HYDE AND ERIC LOOK IRRITATED TO BE THERE. BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS LOOKING AROUND, EXCITEDLY.
HYDE:
(annoyed) I can't believe we're back here.
ERIC:
(gives Hyde a shrug) Yeah, but this time we're old enough to by alcohol so we may actually have fun.
FEZ:
(with a taunting smile) Ready to go down in flames, my friends? Laurie and I have a routine that cannot be beat.
ERIC:
(to everyone) Ok, how are we doing this contest thing? Is there like, a point system? 'Cause if there is I think Fez and Hyde should start with like, minus five. (stammering) Since they're ... you know, since they were born with rhythm.
FEZ:
(with a smile) Thank you, Eric.
HYDE:
(scowling) Fez, he's trying to punish us cause we're not white, man.
FEZ:
(turns to Eric and glares at him) Well then, I do not accept your white man's compliment, Eric.
KELSO:
I'm white and I've got rhythm.
KELSO STARTS DANCING SPASTICALLY, EVERYONE STARES AT HIM.
BROOKE:
(nervously) Oh my God, Michael, are you ok?
KELSO:
(confused) I'm fine.
JACKIE:
(watching Kelso) That's how he dances. (giving Brooke a grin) Have fun tonight, Brooke. Alright, there's the bar. Let's go, ladies.
JACKIE GRABS DONNA'S HAND AND STARTS TO PULL HER AWAY. DONNA STAYS PUT.
DONNA:
Can I at least take my coat off?
JACKIE:
(insistently) I haven't had a drink in eleven months, your coat can wait.
DONNA TAKES HER COAT OFF TO REVEAL SHE IS WEARING A VERY SEXY DRESS. THE GUYS ALL BEGIN APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING. DONNA JUST LAUGHS AND ROLLS HER EYES AT THE GUYS
ERIC:
(nodding his approval) Excellent choice, Donna.
HYDE:
(with a teasing smirk) I agree, Big Red.
LAURIE AND BROOKE TAKE THEIR COATS OFF TO REVEAL THEY ARE ALSO WEARING VERY SEXY DRESSES. AGAIN THE GUYS BEGIN WHISTLING AND HOOTING. LAURIE SMILES PROUDLY AND BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS.
KELSO:
(with a huge, dopey smile) The disco is my new happy place.
FEZ:
(sighs, dreamily) What a glorious display of breasts.
DONNA:
You guys are all pervs, you know that right?
KELSO:
(proudly) We know, and we don't care.
FINALLY JACKIE TAKES HER COAT OF TO REVEAL A VERY LOW CUT DRESS, AND ALSO CLEAVAGE THAT WAS NEVER THERE BEFORE. THIS TIME THE GUYS JUST STARE AT JACKIE AND THEN GLANCE AT HYDE. THE GUYS ARE ALL TOO NERVOUS TO SAY A WORD. EXCEPT, OF COURSE, KELSO.
KELSO:
(excitedly) Holy crap! Jackie's all skinny again, but she got to keep the super big boobs. Hyde, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch.
HYDE:
(to Kelso) Yeah. But you're not.
KELSO:
Why?
HYDE FROGGS KELSO REPEATEDLY.
HYDE:
(menacingly) That's why!
KELSO:
(rubbing his arm) OW! (with a pout) That's my boogieing arm, man. Now I can't do my Tony Manero moves.
ERIC:
Thank God for small favors.
A WAITRESS COMES UP TO THE TABLE.
WAITRESS:
(to the gang) Can I get you guys some drinks?
JACKIE PUSHES HER WAY THROUGH THE OTHERS TO THE WAITRESS.
JACKIE:
(with an exaggerated sigh) Thank God! (quickly) Eight beers, four tequilas and four raspberry kamikazes.
THE WAITRESS NODS AND HEADS OFF.
DONNA:
(smiling in shock at Jackie) Go, Jackie!
HYDE:
(with a shrug) I guess we're drinkin' tonight.
JACKIE:
(yelling after the waitress) And hurry it up!
"BAD GIRLS" BY DONNA SUMMER STARTS TO PLAY.
JACKIE:(cont'd)
(clapping, excitedly) Oh my God, I love this song! Let's dance.
JACKIE GRABS LAURIE BY THE HAND WHO GRABS DONNA BY THE HAND WHO GRABS BROOKE. ALL FOUR LADIES HEAD OUT TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND START TO DANCE. IMMEDIATELY THE LADIES HAVE THE ATTENTION OF ALL THE GUYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
HYDE:
(shaking his head with a scowl) Crap. I am gonna have to kick so much ass tonight.
ERIC:
(watching the girls dance with a goofy smile) I feel a little dirty watching them. They're so ...
KELSO:
(cutting Eric off) Jiggly.
ALL THE GUYS SMILE AND NOD AS THEY WATCH THE GIRLS DANCE.
FEZ:
(with a dreamy sigh) I love the disco.
THE GIRLS DANCE AWAY WHILE THE GUYS JUST SIT AND STARE.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 2
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THAT NIGHT. RED, BOB AND JOANNE ARE GATHERED AROUND THE TABLE. THEY ALL HAVE A DRINK AND THERE IS FOOD AND A TRIVIAL PURSUIT BOARD LAYING OUT. KITTY COMES IN FROM THE LIVING ROOM.
KITTY:
Alright, Jagger, Layla and Betsy are all asleep. (with a smile) You should see the three of them, lined up in their cribs. It looks like a little orphanage up there.
RED:
(frowning at Kitty) We're never going to not have kids in this house, are we?
KITTY:
(smiles and shakes her head) Probably not.
RED:
(with a shrug) Well, as long as I know.
KITTY SITS DOWN NEXT TO RED.
BOB:
Alright, let's cut the chit-chat and get down to business. Let's play some Trivial Pursuit.
JOANNE:
(grinning at Red) May the best team win.
RED:
(to Joanne) Try not to be too disappointed when we do.
RED ROLLS THE DICE AND MOVE HIS GAME PIECE.
RED:(cont'd)
History. (with a cocky smile) Ask away.
JOANNE PULLS OUT A CARD AND FROWNS WHEN SHE SEES WHAT THE QUESTION IS. SHE READS IT, OUT LOUD, TO RED.
JOANNE:
"What country did Hitler invade on June 22nd, 1941?"
RED:
(with a chuckle) That's it? That's my question? (he turns to Kitty and smiles) Kitty, we're gonna win this game faster than Bob can eat those cheese puffs.
JOANNE:
(to Red) You got an answer, smart guy?
RED:
The answer is Russia.
KITTY:
(excitedly) Is he right?
RED:
Of course I'm right.
JOANNE:
(with a frown) That was an easy one.
BOB:
(nervously) That was easy?
RED:
(taunting Bob and Joanne) Why don't we just save you two the embarrassment and you can fold right now.
JOANNE:
Oh I don't think so. (urgently) Bob, roll.
BOB:
(hopefully shaking the dice) Come on ... sports.
BOB THROWS HIS DICE AND THEN MOVES HIS GAME PIECE. HE FROWNS WHEN HE SEES WHERE HE LANDS.
BOB:(cont'd)
Geography. Uh-oh.
KITTY:
(trying to help) Maybe it'll be a question about the geography of Wisconsin.
RED PULLS A CARD OUT OF THE BOX AND READS BOB HIS QUESTION.
RED:
(reading the question) "What countries border Morroco?"
KITTY:
(smiling weakly) Or not.
BOB LOOKS EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND RED GRINS AT HIM, TRIUMPHANTLY.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 3
INT. DISCO, A SHORT WHILE LATER."IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU" BY YVONNE ELLIMAN IS PLAYING. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE DANCING AND SO ARE DONNA AND ERIC. KELSO IS DANCING VERY BADLY, WHILE BROOKE IS TRYING TO KEEP UP. HYDE IS DANCING BUT DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE HAVING A GOOD TIME. JACKIE POUTS AND RUNS HER HAND UP AND DOWN HYDE'S CHEST.
JACKIE:
Steven, you've gotta loosen up. You can't dance when you're all tense.
HYDE SCOWLS AS HE LOOKS AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR AT ALL THE GUYS LEERING AT JACKIE.
HYDE:
I can't loosen up when all these guys are staring at you. I have to be ready in case I need to knock somebody out.
JACKIE:
(giving Hyde a sexy smile) Well, if they're staring at me they're gonna be awfully sad when I do this.
JACKIE GRABS HYDE'S FACE AND PULLS IT TO HERS, KISSING HIM. JACKIE PULLS HER FACES A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM HYDE AND SMILES.
JACKIE:
(whispers to the music) "If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby"
HYDE:
(with a smirk and a raised eyebrow) Do it again.
JACKIE SMILES AND MOVES BACK IN TO HYDE, KISSING HIM AGAIN.
ERIC:
(watching Jackie and Hyde with annoyance) Look at them. (to Donna) Ok, they should lose points for constantly making out. We've got this in the bag, Donna.
ERIC PURPOSELY TWIRLS DONNA INTO JACKIE AND HYDE INTERRUPTING THEIR KISS.
ERIC:(cont'd)
(grinning) And that's how you do that.
HYDE:
Wow, Forman. (sarcastically) You're doing some fancy disco moves while I'm making out with my incredibly hot wife. Guess you really showed me.
ERIC:
Huh. (he frowns) It doesn't sound so great when you put it like that.
THE SONG CHANGES TO "LADY MARMALADE" BY LABELLE. THE CROWD PARTS AS LAURIE AND FEZ MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR TO PERFORM THEIR ROUTINE. PEOPLE STOP DANCING TO WATCH FEZ AND LAURIE, WHO ARE VERY GOOD. KELSO LOOKS VERY CONFUSED BY THE WORDS OF THE SONG.
KELSO:
Boo-lay boo what? What the hell is that supposed to mean? (shaking his head, in irritation) It figures Fez would pick a song that isn't in English.
BROOKE:
(to Kelso, loudly, trying to be heard over the music) It means, "will you sleep with me tonight?"
KELSO:
(smiles excitedly at Brooke) ABSOLUTELY!
BROOKE LAUGHS AND KELSO THROWS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND SMILES.
ERIC:
(watching Laurie and Fez) Look at 'em go. Laurie's all twirly.
DONNA:
The four kamikazes probably helped.
KELSO:
(to Brooke) We can be twirly, can't we, Brooke?
BROOKE:
(smiles sweetly and pats Kelso on the arm) That's ok, Michael. Let's just keep doing what we're doing.
KELSO:
(with a pout) What's that mean?
HYDE:
(laughs at Kelso) It means she doesn't want you to twirl her into the speakers again, moron.
KELSO FROWNS AND WAGS HIS FINGER, SPASTICALLY AT HYDE.
KELSO:
Just go back to your making out and keep your opinions to yourself.
EVERYONE TURNS BACK TO WATCH LAURIE AND FEZ AGAIN.
FEZ:
(yelling to the gang) Kiss this, losers!
FEZ TURNS AROUND SO THAT HIS BACK IS FACING THE GANG AND HE BEGINS SHAKING HIS BUTT.
ERIC:
(horrified) Oh good God, make it stop.
THE REST OF THE GANG TURNS AWAY FROM FEZ'S GYRATING REAR END AND GOES BACK TO THEIR OWN DANCING.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 4
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, A COUPLE HOURS LATER. RED AND KITTY LOOK VERY PLEASED WITH THEMSELVES AND JOANNE AND BOB LOOK VERY ANNOYED. BOB GIVES JOANNE AN APOLOGETIC SMILE.
BOB:
I'm sorry I missed that last one, Jojo. But how am I supposed to know the name of Agatha Christie's first novel? (matter-of-factly) If they don't turn the book into a movie I figure it's not worth reading.
KITTY:
(clapping) My turn, my turn!
KITTY ROLLS THE DICE AND THEN MOVES HER GAME PIECE.
KITTY:(cont'd)
(with a smile) Ooh pink, well isn't that a pretty shade.
BOB GRABS A CARD OUT OF THE BOX.
BOB:
Alright, here's your question, (reading the card) "What actor portrayed C.K. Dexter Haven in the 1940 film, "The Philadelphia Story"?"
KITTY:
(looks stunned and then ecstatic) Oh my gosh, I know that. Red, I know the answer!
RED:
(quickly) Then tell him for God's sake.
KITTY:
(bouncing up and down in her chair) Cary Grant! It was Cary Grant!
BOB SIGHS SADLY AND RED AND KITTY CLINK GLASSES IN CELEBRATION.
RED:
Add another piece to our pie, Bob.
BOB:
(staring sadly at Red and Kitty's game piece) Aw jeez, look at their pie. It's all full of colors. And ours looks so sad.
KITTY:
(clapping excitedly) I got one right! (she points at Bob and Joanne) Take that, dumbasses!
EVERYONE LOOKS A LITTLE STUNNED AT KITTY'S OUTBURST. SHE LAUGHS, NERVOUSLY.
KITTY:(cont'd)
(smiling apologetically) I'm sorry, power makes me a little crazy.
JOANNE PICKS UP THE DICE FOR HER TURN.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 5
INT. DISCO, A SHORT WHILE LATER. ALL THE COUPLES ARE DANCING AND"MISS YOU" BY THE ROLLING STONES BEGINS TO PLAY. HYDE GRINS AT THE CHANGE IN MUSIC.
HYDE:
(with a nod) Some good music, alright.
JACKIE:
(giving Hyde a sexy smile) Surprise, baby.
D.J.:
(talking into his microphone over the music) Now I know this isn't disco, but this hot little number begged me to play it for her husband and if you had seen this chick, fellas, you'd understand. So anyway, here's your song, Jackie. And if you ever get tired of that husband of yours, you can disco on over to me, hot stuff.
HYDE STOPS DANCING AND CLENCHES HIS JAW. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO LOSE IT.
HYDE:
I'll kill him.
JACKIE:
(reaching up to stroke Hyde's beard) No, you won't. Your gonna use all that pent-up anger and we are gonna kick a little ass.
HYDE:
(pauses and then sighs) Fine. But then I'm gonna kill the guy.
JACKIE:
(with a nod) Deal.
JACKIE AND HYDE GO BACK TO DANCING. NOW THAT HYDE APPROVES OF THE MUSIC HE IS GETTING INTO IT AND THEY'RE QUITE GOOD. THEY CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE THEIR EYES OFF OF EACH OTHER AND ARE PRESSED VERY CLOSELY TOGETHER. ERIC AND DONNA ARE DANCING NEXT TO THEM AND ERIC FROWNS WHEN HE SEES THEM DANCING.
ERIC:
(whiny) What the hell? This isn't disco. They can't do that. (yells to Jackie and Hyde) You can't do that.
HYDE:
(ignoring Eric as he stares at Jackie) Told you, man. Evil always wins.
JACKIE AND HYDE SEPARATE AS HYDE LETS GO OF JACKIE AND SHE SPINS A FEW STEPS AWAY FROM HIM. AS THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC TURNS VERY SEXY, JACKIE STROLLS TOWARDS HYDE GIVING HIM HER BEST, COME-HITHER LOOK. SHE MOUTHS THE WORDS, "COME ON! COME ON!" AND BECKONS HYDE TO HER WITH ONE FINGER IN-TIME WITH THE MUSIC.
"Oh, everybody waits so long
Oh, baby why you wait so long
Won't you come on!
Come on!"
THE GANG WATCHES AS HYDE TAKES ONE HUGE STRIDE AND REACHES JACKIE THEN PULLS HER IN, EXTREMELY CLOSE, AND BEGINS DANCING WITH HER. EVERYBODY LOOKS A LITTLE ANXIOUS.
KELSO:
(laughing like a little kid) Wow. That was hot.
FEZ GIVES THE GROUP A GUILTY SMILE AS HE GRABS LAURIE'S HAND AND STARTS PULLING HER AWAY.
FEZ:
(quickly) Excuse us. We'll be right back.
LAURIE:
(with a perverted smile) Well, not right back.
ERIC WATCHES LAURIE AND FEZ AS THEY RUN OFF. HE FROWNS IN DISGUST.
ERIC:
Ok, may I say - eww and, oh yeah, gross.
DONNA GRABS ERIC AND YANKS HIM FORCEFULLY TOWARDS HER AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. WHEN SHE FINALLY LETS GO OF HIM ERIC LOOKS A LITTLE STUNNED AND OUT OF IT.
DONNA:
(with a sexy smirk) Eric. Stop talking.
ERIC:
(his voice cracking) Long live disco.
ERIC AND DONNA BEGIN THEIR OWN CLOSE AND SEXY DANCE AND THEY'RE ALSO GOOD. DONNA LAUGHS AS ERIC SPINS HER AND THEN DIPS HER, WITH MOCK-MELODRAMA. WHEN SHE COMES BACK UP, ERIC LETS GO OF HER AND STRIKES HIS BEST "SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER" DISCO POSE. KELSO, WHO IS NOW ENGAGED IN HIS OWN VERY CLOSE DANCE, WITH BROOKE, LEANS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO WHISPER TO ERIC WHO IS STANDING BEHIND HIM.
KELSO:
(with a big, dopey smile) Told you, man - my new happy place.
ERIC NODS IN AGREEMENT AND ALL THE COUPLES CONTINUE THEIR VERY HEATED DANCES.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 6
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATE THAT NIGHT. AT THIS POINT JOANNE AND BOB LOOK FED-UP. RED HAS A COCKY SMILE AND KITTY LOOKS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
RED:
You're up, Bob.
BOB:
(defeated) What's the point? There's no way we can win. All you guys need is one more piece and you win. We need ... (looking sadly at he and Joanne's game piece) a lot more than one piece.
JOANNE LINKS HER ARM THROUGH BOB'S AND SMILES AT HIM.
JOANNE:
Don't give up, Bob. It's not over til the strong woman sings.
KITTY:
(confused) I thought it was, "the fat woman".
JOANNE:
(shaking her head) That phrase is derogatory.
RED:
(grinning) So is, "we're kicking your ass" but it doesn't mean I'm not gonna use it.
KITTY:
(trying to be encouraging) Alright, Bob, roll the dice.
BOB ROLLS THE DICE AND THEN MOVES HIS GAME PIECE. HE LOOKS STUNNED AT WHERE HE HAS LANDED.
BOB:
(excitedly) Sports, I got sports! (with a big smile) I'm gonna get a little slice of pie!
KITTY TAKES A QUESTION OUT OF THE BOX AND READS IT TO BOB.
KITTY:
Ok, here's your question, "What woman won the gold medal in figure skating at the 1976 Winter Olympics?"
BOB:
(his smile falls) Ladies' sports? My question is about ladies' sports? That should be a separate category. (with a shrug) I don't know about ladies' sports. I only know about the good sports.
KITTY AND JOANNE GLARE AT BOB AND HE SLOWLY GIVES THEM AN APPREHENSIVE SMILE. RED LAUGHS AND BOB'S PREDICAMENT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
RED:
Bob, that comment just made this whole miserable night worth it.
BOB SIGHS AND TAKES A BIG DRINK OF HIS BEER AS RED CHUCKLES.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
CREDITS
INT. THE DISCO. "HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE" BY THE BEE GEES IS PLAYING AND ALL THE COUPLES ARE SLOW DANCING.
CUT TO JACKIE AND HYDE, JACKIE HAS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S CHEST. SHE LIFTS IT OFF TO LOOK AT HYDE AND GIVE HIM A BIG SMILE.
JACKIE:
(sweetly) Steven, thank you for coming to the disco with me.
HYDE:
(with a wicked grin) Thank you for wearing that dress.
JACKIE AND HYDE BEGIN TO KISS.
CUT BACK TO ALL FOUR COUPLES DANCING. DONNA AND ERIC ARE RIGHT NEXT TO JACKIE AND HYDE, DONNA ROLLS HER EYES WHEN SHE SEES JACKIE AND HYDE GOING AT IT. SHE TAPS JACKIE ON THE SHOULDER AND JACKIE AND HYDE BREAK THEIR KISS.
DONNA:
(frowning at Jackie) Alright, break it up. This isn't the frenching festival. (to everyone) Who won the contest?
DONNA LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES THAT ALL FOUR GUYS ARE STARING AT THEIR GIRLS.
FEZ:
(staring at Laurie's chest) Who cares? Look at all the glorious cleavage on our beautiful ladies.
ERIC:
(staring at Donna) Let's just call it a tie. (with a perverted smile) I think we're all gonna be winners tonight.
DONNA JUST SHAKES HER HEAD AND PLAYFULLY SWATS ERIC. ALL FOUR COUPLES RESUME THEIR SLOW DANCE.
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Beautiful Child"
The twins are getting baptized and Hyde has one minor problem with the situation.
