New update :)
I've decided to answer some questions/comments, so here goes:
Updates: whenever I can. If it takes a little longer, I'm sorry. But I'm not quitting the story. I'm just struggling a little with fitting in the time to write. Also, with the story a lot further in my head. Yeah… it's difficult to go back sometimes for the actual chapter that I'm writing :) I can't write too much ahead because a lot of the story just goes while I'm writing. Mostly small changes and details, but still. I have the main story line figured out but with every chapter I write there's a starting point, where I want it to end and what I want to happen in general in between. The details come when I'm actually put it down. I just need enough time for it. And time varies.
The drama in this story; there will be drama just not an awful lot. It will be more about them figuring everything out together and dealing with their pasts. So, the biggest drama will be about confronting people and some smaller issues. Just a few bigger ones, but I like to write a little positive, so my focus is on happy times. So, a lot of fooling around with a touch of drama would be a nice description. At least, that's how I want it. Frustration, insecurities and emotions are a part of life, so keep that in mind, because that will be part of the story.
About Celine: she's not a danger or anything like that. She's just a lovely woman doing her job; taking care of the house and Ana.
Christian's salary; it will come up again. He hasn't had a change in salary yet. His father is still taking a huge portion of it, but…. there is a change coming his way. Something about Mark, Ana, contracts and some more. That's all I'm going to say about that now. :-O
Now; it would be better if Ana was a virgin (?!) I'm not sure about it, because that was all there was mentioned in the review. But it is a fact; this Ana isn't a virgin. I was actually wondering about it; is it because she's a woman? Because it was written like that in the original story? I could only come up with questions for that remark. Why the hell would it be better? Is she less woman because she isn't a virgin? How idiotic is that? Well, she isn't. I'm not changing or rewriting the story so take it this way or leave it.
I will update pinterest when I can, but I'm more focused on writing this if I have some time. I have pictures ready for it and I hope to do it this week or next week.
If you have a question, let me know. I will answer if it doesn't give away the story itself or when it will be mentioned in the update itself.
29. Basic's first
Christian pov
I walk in the kitchen and look around to see where I can get some coffee. I look at her coffee machine in the corner and see that it has more buttons on it than my remote. The front is a touch screen while everything else is build in the cabinet. Seriously? How huge is this thing. This one is nothing like the one I have in my office. I think that every type of coffee can be made with this.
I look over all the buttons and press the top one. I hear the beans being grinded and watch my cup getting filled with what looks like normal coffee. Thank fuck! sit at the bar while I wait for Ana. When we were done with showering and dressing she told me to find the kitchen for coffee. She was going to blow dry her hair and would come down quickly. How fast is that?
I look at my coffee and my mind drifts back to that shower. Damn that was a good one! It definitely gave a different meaning to showering in general. I would love a shower like that every morning. Or night.
I was laughing when she walked off to the bathroom. It was pretty funny to watch her walk off and pretending to be angry. Well, I laughed until I walked in the bathroom and saw her standing underneath the shower. Holy fuck! That sure wiped my smile away.
She was washing herself with her back turned to me. I saw her hands moving over her body and all I could think about was that I wanted to do that. I stopped the urge to step in and decided to wait and watch. It was hot and sexy and I didn't wanted to disturb her. It felt like I was getting some sort of private show, but at the same time it felt like I would intrude by stepping in that shower. Either way, I can't say I mind.
I love it that she isn't shy about her body. Hell, she's anything but that. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she has done modeling work. She's probably used to it. I kind of hope that it's because she's comfortable around me. Maybe it's both. As long as she doesn't change it, I don't really care what it is. I'm just glad that she isn't doing any modeling work anymore. The thoughts of her showing her body to strangers and having people watching her naked body on a set is enough to drive me crazy. God, I hope that all those men were gay.
I was leaning against the bathroom door while she was washing herself. I was following the movements of her hands with my eyes and all the while I kept thinking about all the things we could do together. I like playing with her. I never thought I would think about these things, but I would really like to try things with her. It's confusing, but for some reason it feels good when she takes control. It's freaking me out that I don't know what she's going to do, but at the same time I can't get enough of it.
Just when I was trying to come up with ideas Ana started moaning in the shower. Fuck, that's where I lost it. She was moving her body as if she was dancing and my feet just walked to the shower on their own. I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing anymore. All I know is that I didn't wanted to disturb her shower.
I'm sure that she already knew I was behind her and I know that this was Ana trying to get back at me. Well, if this is her way of punishment I'm inclined to make her frustrated or angry at me every day. There's either blood in my head or my dick and the one with the most in it is the one that makes the decisions when it comes to her. It's safe to say that it wasn't my head in the winning team. It's a good thing that Ana is on my side and not against me, I would lose any war against her without her even trying.
Although, if this is her idea of war? I stretch my hand when I think of her on her knees in front of me. I was gripping that shower wall so hard that I still have red marks on the inside of my hand. I don't know which part was better; the feeling of what she was doing or the sight at what she was doing. Fuck! The way she was looking at me was almost enough to have me coming. I tried to keep my eyes open and focus on her, but I lost that fight. She looked as if she was doing it more for her own enjoyment than that she was doing it for mine.
Afterwards, we stood together in that shower pretty long and she washed me with those gloves. She even washed my back and chest when I told her that it would be fine. It was really fine. It felt weird, but also nice. I still don't understand why it's okay for me when she does it, because thinking of others doing it is already enough for setting me off. Thank god that Ana hasn't pressured me on that subject. Hell, she hasn't pressured me on anything. Well, almost. I did found out that if she feels strongly about something she won't drop it that easily.
She has asked me a lot of questions, but they are more general. I guess that's about that part of getting to know each other. I have a lot of questions too. While she asks me a lot, she hasn't started about my Haphebhobia. If I want her to touch me on my chest or back I'll have to ask. She hasn't tried it ones without me saying it. On one part I feel disappointed that she hasn't, but on the other part it's comforting to know that she won't just do it. She makes me feel that comfortable and she doesn't question me when I ask her to do it. The first time I asked her I felt embarrassed for it, but not anymore.
But I did freaked out when she asked me this morning if my past was going to hurt her. I wasn't sure about the meaning of that question at first, but then I saw it in her facial expression. She thought that I was pining over somebody. That I was using her or something like that. I got angry at first, because I can't believe she would think that. How could she even question that? I told her how I feel about her so why is she doubting it?
But then I realized that my explanation of my past was a vague one. For me it's pretty clear, but she doesn't know anything. I want to tell her everything, but I'm more scared about her reaction than anything else. What if she doesn't believe me? No one else did so why should she? What if she thinks that I'm really like that? What if she gets scared of me?
I felt ashamed for not telling her, but I just couldn't. And thinking back to my behavior the night before made it worse. I pretended to be interested in Stacey because I was angry at Ana. I used Stacey as a distraction because she was easy. I was hurt and somehow I hoped that it would hurt Ana. God, I was so wrong. I was so consumed with hatred for all the wrong reasons.
I wish that I didn't do it. I wish that I didn't do something so childish and wrong. If the roles were turned I would have been furious at the least. I realize that it might gave Ana some ideas about me that I never wanted her to get from me. I would never cheat, but I did gave her the impression that she was worthless to me. Like I could've moved on from her just like that. God, it's everything but that.
I tried to explain it to her. Ana didn't say much while I was stammering my way through it. I even told her about dragging Stacey to the dance floor because I was jealous of her and Mark there. Looking back I now know why Ana reacted the way she did, but I didn't saw it that morning or last night. I was so consumed in my own hurt and anger that I refused to see her side. Yeah, jumping to conclusions. Again.
When I was done she stayed silence for a little longer and I was sure that she was going to kick me out of the bathroom. She wasn't looking at me and she wasn't touching me either. I just stood there feeling horrible and waiting for it. And when she did respond, she surprised me. Well, its Ana. She always surprises me.
She said that she understood it. That we both reacted wrong and should have been honest from the beginning, although she couldn't figure out herself when that beginning started. She told me that she thought that it might have been better for me to be with someone as Stacey instead of her. When I responded that she was insane she referred to her own issues and that she doesn't want to drown me in it. How could she feel like that? I want to know everything about her. I want to be there for her.
After we talked about it a little more and I realized that she wasn't going to throw me out over it I started to relax again. She did made it pretty clear that if we ever had a fight or fallout that she wouldn't take it lightly if I did it again.
Hell, she made it more than clear with her references to my balls and teaching me how to make soup with it. Holy fuck! She sure left nothing out of that description. Although I don't see us like that, fighting. I told her this but she refused to see it. She was pretty clear that we could end up in small or bigger battles along the way. I reassured her as much as possible that I would never do something as stupid as that. Never again. I don't want her to lose trust in me. God, I don't ever want that to happen.
While she was washing me she asked me if I had a therapist. Well, that was an easy one; no. She asked me to think about it. I don't see how it would help me, but she did had some good arguments why I should consider it. She talked a little about her therapist and how someone not involved in my life could help me deal with some of the issues I have. She didn't spoke about my issues or pointed them out, but how it could help me figure myself and everything else out. What was it? Oh yeah, how to move forward.
I never thought about therapy or pity talk to a stranger as an adult. I don't see how it will do me good, but Ana asking me to do it has made me think about it. I know it isn't a good reason, but if she wants me to try it I guess I will. I promised her to think about it. She did tell me about the past week of her sessions and how it was her therapists Jake's doing that she told me about her past relationship.
I tried to explain to her that I had been seeing a shrink for years when I was younger. My parents dragged me from one shrink to another while I was growing up and how none of them was able to help me. I have to say that she did managed to have me thinking about it for real when she said that things could be different now. That me letting her touch my chest could mean that I was ready to find some sort of closure and that a therapist could help me with it if I was open for it. This was something that she wasn't going to drop easily. She even apologized for coming close to force me, but she really wanted to be sure that I considered it.
I had to laugh when I tried to distract her from the subject by starting to wash her and massage her breasts. It seemed to work at first, but fuck I was wrong. Again.
At first she let me. I really thought that she forgot about it when she leaned back against me. It's not that I was bothered with her talking about it, I just thought that we were done talking about it. Well, I was also a little distracted with her standing naked against me. But without any warning she just stepped away from me and turned around with her finger pointing at me.
"Oh no, Grey! Distraction when we're talking about something you don't want to talk about is a big no! If that's the case then you will have to say it and I will drop it."
"What?"
"You've heard me. Sex, intimacy or anything like that is not going to get misused like that. If we start doing that, it will only leave a bad taste." She states while taking another step back and folding her arms.
"I…" Holy fuck!
"I get that there are things that you rather not talk about or that you want to stop talking about it along the way, but then you will just have to tell me like I will have to say it too. Because if you don't and you'll just try to sidetrack me it won't do any good for both of us. It will just make me wonder more about it. So please, just say it, but don't do something like this."
"Okay." I tell her with both my hands up in defeat. "But you have to admit….those breast our pretty damn fine." I say apologetic and I see a small smile on her lips.
"It's not an excuse, but I'll take it anyway." She winks at me."All I'm asking of you is that you'll think about it."
"Okay, I will." I promise her and Ana smiles. "That's all I wanted to hear."
I laugh and step forward to grab her waist. I pull her back against me and lean in her neck. "Can we drop this subject for now, Miss Steele."
"Yep." She answers softly and turns around in my arms.
I took a moment to think about it. I guess she's right. I didn't thought about it like that. Hell, I wasn't thinking about it at all, I just started doing what I wanted to do, because in my mind it was a done subject. Yeah, I need to work on that. Ana can't read my mind which she made perfectly clear. After I asked her to drop it, she did. She hadn't mentioned it again, although I'm pretty sure that it won't always be like that.
This is the first time that I'm in a relationship and I'm trying to figure it all out, but damn it's difficult. It's safe to say that I'm fucking clueless. Isn't there a manual somewhere that I can use? Maybe I should ask Ana to write one starting with a 'how to' list.
I finish my coffee and decide to get another one. I know that Ana has thick long hair, but she's sure taking her time. Well, it's still early and I won't complain because I really like her long hair. Besides, it's weekend and I hope that this means that she isn't having any plans for today.
When I'm done I sit back at the bar and start to wonder about that asshole ex of Ana. I really wish that I punched him last night. Maybe I can ask David where he lives these days and still have a go at it. I can't believe that he did all that to her. What the hell is wrong with him? And why the hell could he get that close to her last night? Isn't there a restraining order against that fucker?
I want to ask David about it, but I know I can't. He works for Ana and not me. If I go to him and start throwing questions he wouldn't answer them any way. And it doesn't matter if he does or not, it will piss of Ana. I can't blame her, but I still have a lot of questions about it. Maybe I can ask Ana. I don't trust that asshole and I'm sure that he will try to get to Ana again. It's clear he wants something from her, so I don't see him walking away from it now.
He said he wants more, but what is more? Does he want her back? Is that it? God, I hope not. I hate it when I hear Ana talk about him. I know it's part of her past that she was with him, but still… I don't like it when she says his name. I can't help but feeling partly jealous. She was with him for a long time. He's part of her past and that will never change. He had her no matter how it ended. If you're with someone for that long, it means that there was a time that Ana thought about their future together. Spending her time with him. God, I don't want to think about that.
We're in the here and now, I need to focus on that. Oh god, has he been sitting here too? Has he slept in her bed like me? Used that shower? Oh fuck!
"Planning your escape already?" I hear Ana say when she walks in. I snap away from my thoughts and look up. She's wearing a blue tank top and jeans. Her hair is loose, covering her back and her smile falters when she sees my face. "What's wrong? I mean, I was joking, but…"
"Uh, no. No it's just that…" I trail of thinking about my next words. What do I say?
"Has he ever been…. here?" I ask and I can see her expression change from worried and confused to one of realization.
"Oh, no he hasn't." she answers and walks over to me. She pushes my leg aside to stand between them and looks at me. I shift my body so I'm facing her and she smiles softly.
"I was still living in that penthouse when we were together. I moved to the house after I left the hospital." She says and sighs. "The house was done months before that, but I just never really thought about moving. After I was released from the hospital I didn't wanted to go back to the penthouse. I guess to much bad memories. Nothing in this house is from the penthouse."
"I'm sorry, but… I was just wondering." I say and feeling stupid for starting this subject in the first place.
"Christian, it's okay to ask. Really. I rather have you asking me then making your own assumptions." She tells me softly and strokes my cheek.
"I know, I'm trying." I say and close my eyes. "It's just that I know he's part of your past and you can't change it. And I know it shouldn't, but it does sting a little. The two of you were together for a long time so you must loved him at some point or at least thought about a future with him." I tell her honestly. I know I have no right to judge her in any way, but it's the truth. I never had that with anyone in my past and to think that she did is upsetting me.
She steps back from me and when I open my eyes I see that she's taking a seat on the stool next to me. Oh boy. This can't be good.
"I know I shouldn't do this…" I say while gesturing my hands pointless in front of me. "But I can't help it. I never had a relationship before or felt something like this. It's just… It's just that this isn't a first for you and I can't help feeling bothered with it somewhere in my mind. " I watch how Ana is staring at her hands and fuck! I shouldn't have said any of this. Great, I'm ruining it all over.
"Ana, I don't want to drag it out, I swear, but…. God, I'm fucking things up, aren't I?" I say and look down. Great, Grey. Just fucking great.
"Christian, you're not. You're just being honest." She says and I hear her taking a deep breath. "I don't know what to say to you to make that feeling go away. I did have a crush on him ones, I'm not denying that. There was also a time that I wondered about the future and if it was with him. The only thing I can't answer for sure is if I loved him. I don't know. A part of me thinks that it would be easier if I could say I did. That it's something to explain why I stayed with him for so long when I shouldn't have. But there's also a part of me that says I didn't. That it was just a lie, a crush that turned into a comfortable familiarity so I didn't had to look further." She stops for a moment and I see her tapping her foot.
"I don't know how things would have ended if it didn't turned that bad. Just like I don't know how it would have been if you and I hadn't met like we did. Or even if we had met sooner. It's… It's like saying that everything happens for a reason. I know it's a cliché, but I like to think that it's true. I guess it makes things easier to deal with. Blame it on the universe, blame it on faith or blame it on bad luck. As long as it's not yourself." She says and ends it with a snort.
"What I can say is that it's the past and that is where it will stay. Last night when he showed up, all I could think about was that I didn't wanted him there. That I couldn't understand why I was with him back then.
What I know for sure right now is that I really like you. I like spending time with you and I also like to get to know you. I don't know what it is, but it does feel different. I'm glad that you're speaking your mind, but… all I can ask of you is to have a little trust in me. I don't know where we are going, but I want to find out. This is a first for me too." I look up and she smiles softly at me. A first?
"If we are going to figure out our future together, then yes, it's a first for me too. I guess that is if you still want this. I know I have baggage that I'm carrying along with me and I understand it if you have doubts because of that." She nearly whispers now. What?
I don't know how… " she starts and takes a deep sigh. "I can't change it. I can only try to make it as small as possible, but it's part of me no matter what. If you want to give it a try we will have to see for ourselves what we want and where we want to go. I don't want to compare you with him. I don't want to compare you with anyone, Christian. I want this to be about us and doing things that we both can get happy from. I believe that is something that we will have to do together so it's new for both of us." She ends and we both stay silent.
I take a moment to think about what she just said. I guess she does have a point that it's somewhat a first for her, but still… What if she's going to regret it? I have no idea how this all works and I don't want to disappoint her either. I feel like a fool for bringing it up, but it's the truth. She doesn't know if it was love with him and she also said that she isn't having feelings for him now. What if she feels the same about me in time? What if I screw up?
Wait! She said this feels different, right? That's a good thing, I guess. She wants to see where we are going together.
I look up at Ana and I see her staring at her hands. She fidgeting with her fingers and I realize that she's waiting on a response from me. She looks…. Nervous? Is that it? Unsure? Oh god, I haven't reacted in any way. Shit!
"Ana." I say and she looks up immediately. "I like to see where this is going too." I tell her honestly. I see her relax and she smiles.
I stand up and take her face in my hands. "So, figuring it out together?" I ask her and she nods in my hands. I lean forward and give her a kiss. "I hate to say this, but you'll probably need to tell me this a few more times." I tell her just as honestly and she nods again and giggles.
"I will." She smiles and I give her a quick kiss. "I won't mind."
"Okay beautiful, you want coffee? I've figured out how that machine works." I say proudly and she laughs. "Why the hell do you have a machine with so many options?"
"Don't ask." She snorts. "I have no idea, but a coffee sounds great, Mister Grey. Shall I get our breakfast then?"
"Yeah." And I give her another kiss before letting go to make our coffee. I don't think I will ever get enough of that. I smile when I think about it. I look at my side and see Ana putting something in the oven. What is she making? I try to look over her shoulder, but I can't see it.
Well, who cares. It's food made by Ana so I'll eat it. I'm standing in Ana's kitchen after a really fine morning and an amazing night. I slept pretty heavy and nightmare free and woke up fresh and energized with an naked beauty next to me. I want that every night and morning. Guess I might be getting what I want by the looks of it. I still can't believe it, but I sure as hell are going to enjoy it.
I think about her words while I stare at her. She wants to figure out our future together.
Future.
Together.
Our future.
I can't help wondering about that future. How will it look like? I know that there are going to be bumps in the road, but I really want this to work. I can't imagine going back to not have her around me. Even though it has only been this short. God, that would surely kill me. I'm not naïve, I know that there are things to figure out, like work. I have thought about it this morning when I watched her sleeping. If it's up to me than the whole world would have already known about us by now, but my guess is that Ana wants to keep it quiet for now.
I won't lie to myself that it wouldn't hurt me when we talk about it and she tells me this, but I know that this will be the reality. I have no idea how Mark would react. Well, I have no idea how anyone would react about me and Ana. A part of me is scared that there's going to be a shitstorm about it. Ana and I are just getting to know each other and I'm worried that she isn't trusting me enough to see through it all. That it would destroy everything and if I'm rational and honest it would be better to keep this for ourselves for now.
I'm also terrified that part of that shitstorm will come from my family. Hell, I'm sure that they will react one way or another. I don't want Ana to go through any of that. I've decided to follow her lead on this and to not make a big fuss if she tells me that she wants to keep it secret for now. I'll have to remind myself to see the bigger picture of it and that it's not Ana thinking of me as a dirty little secret. She's not like that. She has a business to run and is a public figure in town. I just hope that it won't be too long.
I want everyone to know that she's with me. I want those fuckers to know that she's not available and for them to stay away. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with that when it comes to public events. Hell, I don't even know how to deal with that on a everyday basis! Fuck! I don't think I can deal with that.
"Earth to Christian?" Ana takes me from my thoughts and I look up. "What were you thinking about?"
"You need to ask?" I respond and raise my eyebrow. "You were standing in front of me… bended… forward…" I say and trail off. She narrows her eyes at me before she turns around again and bends forward to reach for the oven. Oh, now you're asking for it.
I smack her ass hard and she nearly jumps forward. "Auwww. Bastard!" she growls and I laugh. What else was she expecting? She rubs her ass with one hand while she takes a tray from the oven with her other hand. God, that smells good.
"What is it?" I ask her and lean forward to look. It looks like some pie, but I can smell the eggs and herbs. It looks pretty damn good. I can see a meat in it that looks like ham and also the crust that looks like bread. What bread is that? Cornbread?
"I'm not sure how to call this. It's something me and Celine ones tried." She answers and after she has put it on the stove, she turns to look for plates.
"Can I help?"
"No, it's fine. I'm almost done."
I grab our coffees and put them on the bar. Ana has put down the plating and the tray is in front of it. After she has scooped it on the plates, we both sit down and start to eat.
"You've made this? When?" I ask her surprised. It looks like a lot of work. I start to eat and damn this is good. I'm halfway in finishing my plate when I hear Ana laugh and look up. "What?"
"You're eating like you haven't ate in a week. I'm almost feeling offended here." She says and I frown.
"Why?"
"I didn't made this. Celine did this morning."
"Really Miss Steele, I thought you said that you were going to make me breakfast. Using your staff is cheating. I think I should be the one to feel offended here." I say and fake being hurt.
She looks shocked for a moment before she starts to laugh.
"That's true. I would have done it myself if you hadn't kept me occupied in the shower." She winks and I laugh.
"Touché. Thank fuck you have staff around then. If that's the choice I prefer your housekeepers cooking, although…" I start and pull her off her stool to stand between my legs. I lean forward and kiss her neck. "Maybe we should figure out a way to mix both in the future." I say in her ear and give her another kiss. "hmmm?"
"How lovely that sounds…" Ana starts and turns around in my arm to face me. She leans her arms around my neck and looks at me with a pout. "I'm scared that it will burn down the kitchen. Or… It will burn me."
"I see your point. I'm sure you can think of some apron for it." I wink at her and she laughs.
She leans forward to give me a kiss. I grab the back of her head before she can pull back and deepen the kiss. Fuck, I want more. I feel her body leaning into mine and I use my other hand to grab her ass. And I want that too.
I push her against me and Ana moves her arms to grab my hair. When I squeeze her ass I get a moan in response. God, that's fucking hot. Just when I'm ready to pull her up on my lap, Ana breaks the kiss.
"I'm going to regret this, but we should eat before it gets cold." She pouts and I give her another kiss and let go. She's right. Damn it! Food wasn't on my mind anymore.
She sits back on her stool and we both eat in silence. Damn, too far away.
I pull her stool closer to me and rub her thigh. After I'm done with my second plate I lean back. Boy, I'm stuffed. I don't think I will have to eat for the entire day and I could really use a workout today. I look at my watch and see that it's almost eleven 'o clock. It's still early. I can go to the gym later today.
I see that Ana is done too and I follow her movements with my eyes while she's putting everything in the dishwasher. I'm happy to see that she has eaten quite a lot. I'm still wondering where she keeps the food though, but at least she's eating healthy.
When she's done she walks back to me and I put my arm around her to pull her between my legs again. She leans in on my chest and we both stay silent.
I rub her back and think about the rest of the weekend. I realize that there is most likely a very angry cat at home that needs food. Fuck! That means that I will have to go home soon. I can't just leave her to fend for herself, but what about Ana? Will she come with me? Or was this it for the weekend? I don't know what her plans are, but I would like to spend more time together. Maybe I should ask if I can come back later? Or if she wants to drop by or something like that.
While I wonder about the rest of the weekend I hear Ana giggle.
"What's so funny?" I ask her with a smile. Fuck, that is contagious.
"You." She laughs and I shake my head.
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No." she answers and looks up with a smile. "I would never do that. But I could feel from your body that you were thinking about something and I don't think you realized that you were pinching my ass. You really want me to be unable to sit for a week, don't you." She winks and my mouth drops open. Oh fuck!
I let go her ass quickly. Damn it!
"I'm sorry. I honestly wasn't aware of it." I tell her apologetic. Damn it Grey!
"I figured. So, what was on your mind that gives me bruises." She says and I take a moment to think about my words. There's a lot on my mind right now. If I throw it all out at ones I'm sure I will freak her out.
"Christian, just say it. I'm a big girl so I'm sure that I can handle it."
"Honestly, there are a lot of questions on my mind right now."
"Okay. Let's just start with one and try to check them all off." She tells me softly and I nod. "But I want to keep the right to refrain from answering." She ends and I can see her putting on a serious face and points her finger at me.
"Really?" I raise my eyebrow at her and she nods back. "Secrets?"
"Yep, I don't think it will be a good thing to tell you about all my bad habits and awful characteristics I have. We can't have you running for the hills that quickly. I rather pretend to be perfect and ease you into it." She states and I laugh. Oh god, Ana. Like I could ever walk away, let alone run.
"Good. You had me scared for a moment, I'm on my socks so waiting until I have my shoes on would be better." I laugh, but Ana isn't laughing. Why is she frowning?
"What?"
"Where are your shoes?" she asks and I get confused. "Uhm, they're still in your bedroom."
"Okay. So, your first question?" Huh?
"What's with my shoes?" I ask her slowly and feeling completely unsure about it.
"Oh, I just wanted to make sure that they're not in arms reach." She shrug and my mouth drops open.
"What?"
" Just ask." She says and nudges me. Okay…
"Well, uhm…. What is going to happen next?" I ask her and I feel myself getting embarrassed. What the fuck Grey! Get some balls…
"Next?"
"Yeah, I mean, this weekend."
"Oh. I don't know. I have to meet with Dana this afternoon and I have to work since I'm behind on a couple of things, but other than that I'm free. I don't know what your plans are." She tells me and I smile. Sounds a lot better than I expected. Too bad that she has plans today, but no plans tomorrow?
"I have to go home to feed my cat and I wanted to go to the gym."
She raises her eyebrow and looks down to my chest. I'm only wearing a white shirt that I had on last night under my tuxedo. "I won't stop you." She says and puckers her lips. I start to laugh and shake my head.
"So that's the only reason I'm here? You're using me for my body?" I say and try my best to sound affronted.
"No, but it's a nice bonus." She smiles and looks back up to me. "If you want you can use my gym."
"Your gym?"
"Yes, I have one in the basement. Well, you should see for yourself if you can use it and you will need to adjust all the equipment to your own weight, height and workout." She shrugs. "I'm pretty sure your routine looks a lot different from mine."
"You use it a lot?"
"A few times a week. I'm more focused on my condition by running the treadmill and things like that. And I do yoga twice a week. You know, keeping me flexible." And I look down to her legs automatically.
I hear Ana laugh and I look up. "What?"
"I don't need to guess why you did that." She giggles and I smile.
"No, you don't. Can you blame me? I'm just a simple man, Miss Steele."
"No, not simple. But you are a man, so that was half the truth."
"Maybe I could be a smart man too and state that I don't have a clue what you're talking about when you say yoga. You know, having you showing it to me as example."
"hmm, I might fall for that. Although you could always just ask me."
"That's good to know." I smile and my mind is overflowing with thoughts of the things she might do. I can come up with some fun things.
"If you want to use it, there's a changing room with shower too. There's a closet full workout clothes from my brothers, I'm sure something will fit."
"Okay."
"So, next question?" she asks and I close my eyes a moment to get my thoughts back in line. Damn it!
"Yeah, what are we going to do this weekend?" I ask her, saying the words fast. God, why is this difficult?
"Hmm, if you like, I could come to your place after I'm done with work."
"My place?" Why would she want to go to my place if she lives like this?
"Well, you wouldn't have to worry about feeding your cat." She shrugs. "And…" she starts and leans up to kiss my neck. "I could bring food and…" she kisses my neck. "there won't be any staff around." She gives me another kiss. "Besides…" she bites my earlobe and I grab her ass again to pull her closer. I feel her body pressing against mine and lean my head down. "Your house…" I feel her tongue tracing my ear. She lowers her hand and rubs my dick over my pants. I close my eyes and start to moan at her touch. "your rules." And bites my earlobe again. I feel the sting and she sucks softly to ease it.
Just when she started it, she's leaning back again to look at me. "So?" and raises her eyebrow. My mouth is open from the shock of her pulling away that fast. I have a starting erection that is clearly a lot colder with her hand gone. Fuck!
"Ye…" Holy fuck! I clear my throat and take a deep breath. "Yeah, that sounds good."
She giggles at my response and I narrow my eyes at her. That was not funny! I swear, she will give me blue balls and make them fall off.
"More questions?" she asks me casually like she didn't just do that. What the fuck? I take a deep breath and try to cool down. Well fuck! I missed half her words. What did she say? Oh! She said that my place means my rules. Ohhh, I'm going to make a few for her. Let's see if she will giggle about that.
"Fine, minx. Okay, I need a little blood back in my head to get those questions in order." I tell her and she giggles again. I shake my head when I start to think of my next questions.
"How about work?" I say and I watch her face fall. Yeah, I don't like this either.
She sigh and looks away while I'm sure that she's trying to think of the words to answer that question.
"Uhm, I'm not sure. Officially I'm your boss and…" she starts and she frowns. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea about it. Or about me."
"Ana, I won't. Just tell me what your thoughts are." I encourage her to tell me the painful truth for now. I brace myself for hearing words as secret and quiet.
"I think it might be better if we keep this for ourselves right now." She answers quickly in one breath. I watch her face and see that she's half scared for my reaction on this. I already know that she isn't saying this to hurt me or that it's about me at all, but I do want to hear the words from her. I want her to tell me, so I can keep repeating it to myself every time I need it. I need to have it as a memory.
"Because…" I ask her and she looks up to me.
"If this…" she starts and gestures her hand between us. "Gets public, then there will be a lot of people trying to have a say in it. About it. Not just people directly next to us, but it will probably get analyzed in details by the media too. Have you seen the articles from that event we went to together?"
I nod my head. "Yes." She looked them over? Did she googled them too?
"They talked about us and asked questions in it. They questioned if we were dating or not and some weren't really positive about it either. That would only be the beginning."
"I know."
"I'm pretty much used to it. I'm used of reading or hearing those negative remarks about me, but you aren't." I want to protest, but she stops me. "Not like that, Christian. They will be brutal about it. Gossip, rumors, lies. They will do it all. Fake stories with fake details. They will put you under a loop and make life horrible. At the beginning, I had some control over it. There wasn't a lot written about my life because I controlled them either with ownership or through business otherwise. Today with the internet I don't have any say in it anymore. I can't protect you from any of it."
"Ana, you don't need to protect me from that. I can handle it."
"But what if you can't? What if you start to doubt it? What if you start to doubt me or us? What if you have enough of it? If it's too much? That's only the media, but what about colleges. I know that they wouldn't approach me about it. Well, Mark maybe. But that's it. You… I don't think that they will have a problem with assaulting you. I'm maybe the boss, but I know how it works on the work floor. I don't…"
"Ana." I stop her and hold her face in my hands. "I don't care what they say. I understand what you're talking about but… But the way you make it sound… you make it sound as if we can never go public. As if I'm always going to be some sort of secret."
"No, I don't mean that. Really." She respond quickly and shakes her head. "What I mean is… I don't want this to be a secret either, but we're still getting to know each other. I just want us to be stronger together before we will face any of that. We both have a habit to jump to conclusions and I'm scared that we won't survive it if we do this now. I don't want that to happen." She's nearly pleading and I smile at her.
"Thank you." I tell her softly and she looks confused. "I figured out most of those answers for myself, but I needed you to tell me. I'm sorry." I end apologetic. I hate to put her through this, but I really needed to hear this from her. Now I have her own words to hold on to when I need it. I know it was cruel, but she has said everything I wanted to hear.
"There is one problem about it and I'm not sure how that will work." I tell her and she frowns again.
"What is it?"
"I don't know if I can stay professional if some fucker tries something with you. I might… react."
"you mean at events? Or at work?"
"Everywhere."
" Oh… you have stayed professional before, right?"
"I did, but that was different."
"Why was that different?" she questions me and I smile. I grab her ass and pull her against me.
"I didn't had you then. Now you're mine baby." I answer and kiss her neck. "And mine alone. Remember, I'm a caveman."
She giggles and I lean back to look at her face. I push a string of hair back behind her ear and Ana is smiling. "I guess we will need to figure something out than, Mister caveman."
"Hmm mmm. Second problem…" I start and lean my face in her neck. " I'm not sure if I can keep my hands to myself if I'm around you." I say serious. Well, it's the truth.
Ana giggles and I feel her taking a hold on my arms. "I'm not complaining."
I look up at her. "No, but we're in privacy now. I was referring to meetings, events…"
"I know. I think we both will have a problem with that." She laughs and clears her throat. "Guess there's no other way, but to refrain from it. You know, staying professional and all that crap." She winks and I pout. Yeah, that's going to be a big difficulty for me, keeping my hands off of her. I will just need to remind myself that I can have her for myself when we are alone. "Maybe it won't be that bad."
I raise my eyebrow at her. Not that bad? Does she have any idea? It's going to be awful. I know I can't hold her like this at the office when we're working or when everyone would know about us, but still… I could at least do something to be close to her.
"Are there more questions?"
"Yes, there are." I start while I wonder if I should really do this. Well she did say honesty about everything. I guess I will just have to ask and see where it goes.
"Okay, I told you I don't want to drag this out and I mean this, but… This Justin guy…" I start and I can feel her body freeze. "He looked you up last night and wants something. I… I don't think he will stay away."
"I don't see why he wouldn't."
"Ana, think about it. I have a feeling that he will bring trouble. I don't know, but I just don't trust that asshole. Is there anything that you can think off with him asking for more?" I ask her and watch her face closely. I see her eyes changing. They're showing a lot of different emotions with hurt being the biggest one.
She looks away to the counter next to us and I can see her trying to figure it out. She looks puzzled, but isn't responding either.
"Ana?"
"I… I don't know."
"Does he wants you back?" I ask her and without looking up to me she's shaking her head. "No. No, he wouldn't."
"How can you be so sure? The two of you were together at some point, he could have regret." I say, but I feel the anger rising. He better not try. Hell, he better not be thinking about it at all.
"Because I just do." She snaps and looks back up to me. "When I needed to go to the hospital he had left the house before the ambulance arrived. He wasn't even the one to make the call. I didn't knew back then, but they told me later. He had… He didn't bother to contact me ones, so no. No, he wouldn't want…" she stops and I can hear her broken voice and the tears are falling now.
"Ana." I pull her against me and rub her back. How the hell could he have done that? What bastard would treat her like that and what kind of monster would just leave her like that. "It's okay now." I try to sooth her and wait for her to calm down. God, this is getting worse and worse.
After a few minutes she's finally calming down. "Christian?"
"Yes."
"I wasn't really there when it all ended. I know it sounds stupid, but…" she's nearly whispering while her head is still buried against my chest. "I just wanted it to end. For everything to… To be over. Armando helped me, he took control. Well, he and Mark did. Mark managed the company for a while on his own and Armando…" she sighs. "Armando did most of the personal stuff. I saw some things happening, but not everything. I don't know for sure what happened."
She stops for a moment and I want to ask questions, but I don't. I try to stay silent and wait it out. I need to give her that. She will tell me a lot more if I give her time for it.
"He arranged everything with the staff, the move, the hospital... He flew David over and together they did the rest. I don't know half of it. Back then, I just couldn't hear it. I know that all the staff working personally for me were fired and replaced. I know that there was money used from my personal account, but that's all. Armando always said that if I was ready, he would tell me everything. I guess I'm a coward." She spits the last word harsh and I tighten my grip.
"You're not a coward Ana, don't say that."
"No, it's true. We never talked about it. I'm like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. God, I don't even know what's worse, doing it or doing it on purpose." She says frustrated and I lean my head against her.
"Ana, please…" I start but she cuts me off.
"I know that there is more to it, but I never asked. I just don't want to know more. I… I want to forget. I want to live. I want to… I…" she starts to cry again and were both standing silent for a moment while I try to comfort her. God, that fucker shouldn't be walking this earth anymore. I'm sure that there's a hellhole that he can be pushed in. I will gladly do it.
"Look…" she starts while standing up straight again and whipping her tears away. "I don't know what he wants. I just… don't. And honestly, I don't think I want to know it either. If I had to guess, the only thing I can come up with is money. If that's true it doesn't make any sense. Why? Why would I even pay him anything?
The persons that know everything are Armando and David. I know, I will have to face it and talk to them. That I need to get the full story if I want to find out why he came back, but please… not now. " she's nearly pleading with me right now and I can hear the desperation in her voice. God she's really scared of what she will hear. Why? Is there so much more?
I look at her and smile weakly while I try to wipe her last tears away. "I won't pressure you into it, Ana. I'm just scared that it will only get worse if you wait." I tell her honestly.
"I know." She says and looks down at her hands. God, I don't want to do this, but I don't see any other way.
"He waited last night. He had to be watching you and saw his chance when you walked out of the venue on your own. Who knows how many times before last night he was watching you like that? If he's ready to do that for whatever he wants from you then he won't stop with it either. David works for you, he's your security and he needs to solve this. What if something happens Ana?
I understand that you don't want this, but someone needs to do this. There's a reason why he's doing this. I know everything from painful pasts and wanting to avoid it. I do. But the fact that he got that close to you means that someone wasn't doing his job and that something needs to be fixed. I mean, damn it! Isn't there a restraining order against that asshole."
Ana isn't answering, but instead she's still staring at her hands. Fuck! She looks like a scolded child. That was not what I wanted to reach here. Crap!
"Ana, please. I'm not saying this to scold you, but… but what if something happens to you? You could have been hurt." I'm nearly pleading now and I can see that she's close to crying again.
I put my hand under her chin and I pull her face up softly so she has to look at me.
"Look, Miss Ostrich. It's easy to tell someone to deal with it, I know. If you really can't right now, I understand. But… you can't just let David handle this, not after last night. All I want is that you're safe."
She sighs and nods her head slowly. "I know. I will go to David to talk about it. I'm sure that he's already on it." She answers slowly and I wonder if I will ever have the full story of it. What the happened afterwards? Clearly there was a lot more to it than Ana knows. God, this is frustrating. I can't just ask them, but I do want to know. Fuck!
I see Ana pulling into herself again. Her mind seems to be a thousand miles away. Should I ask her? Can I even ask something like this?
"Ana, I know I have no right, but…" I start and trail off. I really have no right to this, do I? "If you talk with David, can I…."
Before I finish my question she's already nodding her head slowly. "It's fine."
"Only if you're sure." I tell her. Fuck, I'm pushing myself into this, I shouldn't do that. Well, don't I have a right to know?
"It's either that or I will have to tell you afterwards." She shrugs and that's when I hear it; she ashamed. Why the hell is she ashamed?
"Don't do that."
"What?" and for the first time she looks up again. "Be ashamed."
She doesn't respond, but her eyes are already saying it all.
"Ana, it won't change anything for me." I tell her and hope that she believes it. Maybe if I'm there to, she will see it. Maybe that will change her thinking about me running for the hills. I know I won't, but for some reason she isn't believing me.
"Is it okay if we talk to David Monday morning? I have to leave to meet Dana if I don't want to be late and I just want to have a nice weekend." She says and I pout.
"Can't you cancel? Well, not to talk to David right now. Monday morning is fine Ana, but you said something about a nice weekend, I could think of a thing or two…."
"I wish. Unfortunately, I've screwed myself over and now I have to deal with it." She sighs and steps away to the sink to grab a glass of water.
"What are you talking about? I know you're not a fan of Dana, but it can't be that bad." I say and frown.
"No, it's worse. She and my brother are getting a do over of their wedding, renewing their vows. Guess who's their maid of honor." She says sarcastically and I laugh.
"You? Why? Isn't the maid of honor supposed to be someone that supports it?"
"I blame my brother. I'm sure that he's behind it. I'm going to meet her at a spa. She wants to talk about everything and she wants to show me some ideas for her dress and mine also. I predict flowers, stripes and all the colors of the rainbow for my dress. Yee!" she cheers and finishes her drink.
"Well, I don't know about a dress, but a spa doesn't sound that bad."
"I hate spa's. And if you met some of Dana's friends you would understand it if I said that I would rather spend my afternoon canoodling naked in a raft full of glass then like this." She says frustrated and I chuckle. Yeah, that doesn't sound so good.
"I think you need to explain that."
She sighs and leans back against the counter. "Her friends… well, they aren't really my type to hang out with. The only things they talk about is gossip and appearances. It's like they get their happiness from other peoples misery and mistakes. They were also the same friends that helped Dana with the cheating and lying, covering for her and encouraging her to do it."
"Ana, that Dana…" I start, but Ana cuts me off.
"I know. I know that it was Dana who did it and I can't blame them for it, but still… They sure as hell made it easy and they had no problem in humiliating my brother either. Seriously, one of those bubbleheads told my brother to just accept it, because he wasn't man enough to satisfy her. How she deserved everything he owns because she married him in the first place. Besides, I don't even speak freely with any of them, because it will only be a matter of minutes before it gets taken out of context and turned into a headline. Why the hell would you call people like that friends?"
"Yeah, I don't know about that either. Look, maybe it won't be so bad." I try to sooth her, although I wouldn't mind if she canceled. There's a lot I want to talk to her about and even more that I want to know. Hell, there are a lot of images floating through my mind of what I want to do with her.
"Is Lucy coming too?" I figured out that she and Lucy are pretty close. If she is there it might be fun for Ana. Also, I don't really want her to hang it with women like that…
"No, she isn't part of the brides entourage. I wish." She pouts and I step from the stool to walk over to her.
"Well, you could still call it off." I say and pull her against me. "I know some other things why could be doing instead." I whisper in her ear and I can feel her shiver.
"How tempting that sounds…" She starts and I press myself against her and she groan. "Or feels… I don't think I could get away with it." I give her a kiss and pout.
"Keep that thought." She giggles and traces my lip with her finger.
She looks at my watch and groans again. "Yeah, I need to go. If you need anything, Celine is outside at the shed, David is next door probably in his office and Ricardo is with me. I'm sorry, but I'm not sharing him today."
"Why aren't you taking David with you?" I ask shocked. What the hell!
"Relax. Ricardo is my driver mostly, but he's also trained security. I'm going straight to the spa from here and reversed when I can leave. Besides, Ricardo carries a gun. David thought that it would be best to have him as security also. I don't like new people around me and in this way, David has also time for other things." She explains and I relax a little. That sounds a lot better than her on route with only a driver. "Besides, I own that spa and security has already done a check. If I'm right, it means that we are going to be the only ones there."
"Okay, just be careful."
"I will. I've picked out everything that makes it harder to interact with these girls, my hair, a massage and facial." What?
"Your hair?" I ask and look at it. Is she going to cut it?
She laughs before answering. "Yeah, I'm going to cut it all off and dye it pink."
"Not funny! And massages? Are you serious? Can't you stick to a manicure or something like that? I don't want you to get a massage from some asshole!" I state more angry than I should. But fuck it! She's going to get a massage? Hell no!
"Relax, will you."
"But… No, I don't want you to do that."
"Look, I'll see what I do when I'm there, but you can't tell me not to do this. It's my body and I decide if I'm taking a massage or not. We're talking about a professional for god's sake." She warns me and I can see that she's dead serious. Fuck!
"Ana, I just don't…"
"No grey." She starts and I can hear she's pissed. "You can 'ask' me not to do it, but you can't 'tell ' me not to do it." She says and stressing the words ask and tell. Damn it! She leans back and is clearly waiting for a response of me while I'm just standing there looking at her with my mouth open. Holy fuck! Now what?
"Fine." I snap back at her. Seriously? Don't I have a say in it?
"Christian, if you don't like something you can say it, but you can't forbid me things like that. If it's really such a bother than I will think about it, but don't think for one moment that you can dictate me about something like a massage at a spa from a professional."
"I know you're right, but I still don't like it." I say and Ana takes my arm.
"Don't pull your hair, you might get bold."
"What, I wasn't…" Oh damn, I was.
"I'll think about it. I could always ask for a woman." She says and gives me kiss before walking away.
"Ana?"
"Yeah." She turns back to me.
"Can I ask David something about your security?" I ask her and Ana frowns. "I just want to ask if he's sure that… that you don't have to see that asshole again. If he has a picture I can see."
"Oh."
"And I want to ask him about my apartment. It's not really secure there and…." I trail off. Fuck, I'm not sure if Ana should spend time at my apartment at all. All I have is a baseball bat, that's not safe enough is it? Maybe I can make changes? Maybe David can help with that?
"It's fine. I will ask David to look for you." She answers and I smile back at her. "Thank you."
"Oh, and you're allowed everywhere in the house, except the last six drawers in my closet upstairs." She winks and walks off, closing the door behind her.
What? What closet? Her walk in closet? I stare at the door, but Ana isn't coming back. What did she mean with that?
I shake my head and grab a glass of water myself. God, I really need a workout right now. Well, she said that I could use her gym here. It sounds a lot better than the one I usually go to. At least I won't have to deal with anyone and wait for my turn on the machines or the weights.
I finish my drink and put it back on the sink. Yeah, a workout first, than the cat and groceries. Ana is bringing diner with her, but I can think of a nice desert to go with place, my rules. I smile when I think about it. This is better than I thought it would be.
Oh fuck, I better clean my place too. I look at my watch. I better hurry up then. I have no idea what time she will be there. I guess it will be around six.
"Mister Grey." I look up and see that it's David. "Miss Steele asked me to find you. She explained that you'll have some questions for me." He states and I frown. That's quick.
"Yeah, I do. I don't know what Ana has told you, but I have a few questions about last night and also about the security of my apartment." I explain myself and if David is having any issues with it, he's not showing it. He nods back and steps aside.
"Miss Steele has been at your apartment before. I have a blueprint of the building and mapped out the environment. There will be some necessary changes inevitable to make it as secure as possible, but it's not a huge job. Most of it is already in place when it comes to her security detail. I assume that there will also be looked at your personal security?"
"Uhm…" my security? That's new. Why would I need security?
David smiles at my confused look. "Everything in time. Let's start with the beginning. The security of your apartment, right?"
"Yeah. I just want to make sure that if Ana spends time at my place that's she's safe. It's not really the… The best neighborhood in town." I tell him embarrassed. God, I life in a horrible place compared to this.
"We will get it secure." He states and I nod. "Miss Steele has told me to answer all your questions. She has also informed me that she wants the three of us to sit down on Monday to go through some events of her past. More particularly about what happened last night with Mister Spade." He tells me and for the first time he loses his professional pose. His voice changed, loosing it's neutral sound and I recognized the bitterness in it. His shoulders dropped a little. It was barely visible, but I have no doubt about it. Mister Spade? That must be Justin's last name.
Just as quickly as he showed it, it is gone again. I watch him square his shoulders and he clears his throat. "Shall we go to my office?"
"Yes." I respond and follow him. I'm happy to know that the security of my apartment for Ana won't be that much trouble. Although I'm curious to find out how, because I can't see how a simple alarm system would do it. I can protect myself if I have too and I'm not really worried about someone attacking me or anything, but I'm worried about Ana. I just want to be sure that she's safe there. Well, let's see what David has in store for it.
But David's earlier reaction about us talking of Ana's past isn't making me feel good in any way. If anything, it's making me nervous. Why did he reacted like that? Is there so much that Ana isn't aware about? She said something about a staff change and money that was used, but she hasn't mentioned any details. Was that money for Justin? Why the hell would anyone pay him anything? Somehow I don't think it's going to be good and I'm getting freaked out when I think of what the answers could be. God, I hope that asshole stays away.
