Chapter Twenty-Nine - Understanding
Edward POV
I had no choice. I had to do it. I could hear her losing herself to the voice, and it was the only thing we could think of to do to snap her into reality. It is almost impossible to cause a vampire pain; the only thing that could damage us is teeth. To be bitten was a primal thing, usually only used in battle. I used it to ground her. It went against every instinct to hurt her like that, but when Jasper prepared to do it himself, all I could think about was his mark on her. Claiming her.
I leaned down as if to kiss her and sank my teeth into her neck. As soon as I could hear her snap back to herself, I released her, sealing the wound.
"Edward, what happened to me?"
Her question tore at my heart.
"What do you remember?" Jasper asked in a cool clinical tone.
"Not now, Jasper," Alice said softly. "We should give them some time alone."
"This is important." Jasper looked frustrated.
Alice grimaced. "So is Bella."
With soft words and pats on my shoulder, they all left us in peace. Bella watched them go with a look of utmost confusion.
When I heard the door to the house click shut behind them, I pulled Bella into my arms and rearranged us on the sandy ground so she was seated in my lap.
She rubbed at the mark on her neck. Another wave of shame swept through me at the sight.
"I'm so sorry, my love." I brushed my fingers along the curve of her cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you. It was the only thing I could think of doing. I could feel you slipping away from me."
She nodded slowly. "I know. I'm confused, though. Could you all hear the voice, too?"
I shifted uncomfortably. "Not exactly. I haven't told you because it never felt like the right time, but I have a confession to make." She looked at me curiously. "I can read your thoughts now."
Her expression shifted to one of blank shock. "You can hear my thoughts? How? When?"
"How, I don't know. When, ever since you came to the island. It's as if whatever was protecting you before is gone, unless…" I didn't know whether to mention the fact we had all seen Isabella in person, so to speak.
"What are you hiding from me?" She was a perceptive as ever. She was also different. Either because of the bite, or because of the voice, she was changed. She was more like the human Bella I had known now. She was alert and aware in a way she had not been up to this point. I allowed myself the hope that she was healing in her mind.
I heard Jasper's thoughts from inside the house. He and the others were listening carefully to our conversation, and he wanted us to join them so we could finally speak openly. I wasn't ready to share my Bella yet, nor to let her be faced with Jasper's questions. I wanted to keep her cosseted and protected.
"The voice that spoke to you," I said. "We have heard it too."
"You heard her voice?"
"To a fashion."
Jasper barked at me to tell her the truth. It's the only way she will ever trust us.
"When we were talking to you earlier, when Jasper was asking you questions, she came to talk to us."
Well, that was suitably cryptic. Peter scoffed. You aren't making a lick of sense, buddy.
Bella sighed heavily. "She took my body."
"How long has she been doing this?" Jasper asked aloud.
Bella started and looked up at the house. "Are they all listening?"
"They are. I'm sorry, love, but you understand how our hearing works. We can't always help but hear."
"Why don't they come here then?"
Good question, Jasper thought.
"Do you want them here?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I don't mind. I guess it's only fair that they are here too. They all saw what happened."
Jasper led the others out of the house at a steady pace so as not to startle Bella. They came within a few feet of us and then sat down too.
Alice looked as though she wanted to embrace Bella, but she satisfied herself with squeezing her hand. Jasper was restraining himself from asking questions with much difficulty. Bella saw his close scrutiny, and she tilted her head to the side. "What do you want to know?"
"Things are different now," he stated. "I can feel it."
His thoughts were focused on Bella's emotional tenor. There was a serenity underlying the tension she had felt so far. It gave him pause.
Bella nodded. "I feel it, too."
"Do you remember when we were talking before? Do you remember what you said?"
"What she said," Bella corrected. "She said it, not me. And I remember parts. I'm sorry she was so cruel."
"We understand," Alice said. "It's not your fault."
She looked confused. "It is really. We are the same person."
"Just because you share the body, it doesn't mean that is you," Peter said. "We all have that inside of us. Yours is just a little more vocal that ours."
"You have voices, too?"
"No, that would be Edward." Peter grinned for a moment before turning serious. "What I mean is that we all have something inside of us that takes control sometimes. It's the nature of the vampire"
She looked at him curiously. "How do you stop them from taking over?"
"Mine has only ever taken over when I let it," he said apologetically.
"Is that what I did? Let it?"
"I don't think so." Jasper spoke in his trademark calm tone. "I think that because of the…damage done to you, it takes over when you are weakened. It's what she said, anyway."
Bella seemed to shrink into herself. "I don't know how to stop that. I'm always weak."
"You aren't." I gripped her shoulders and turned her to face me. "You aren't weak. Even she knows that. Isabella is the weak one. She is at your mercy at all times. She can only come out when you let her."
"How can I be letting her out? I didn't even know she existed until today."
"It's when you are feeling threatened," Jasper said. "When we were talking to you earlier, making you remember things, it upset you. Isabella came out to control the situation and to protect you."
Bella shuddered and rubbed the mark at her neck again. "Is there a way to get rid of her?"
Peter looked sad. "I don't think so, little one. She is a part of you."
"I'm stuck with her? Well, that sucks."
Alice giggled, and Bella looked at her curiously.
"I'm sorry," Alice said. "It's just that you sound like the real you again. It makes me happy."
They are laughing at you, I heard the voice whisper in Bella's mind. Bella shook her head rapidly as if that could quell the voice. She looked to me. "Did you hear that?"
I nodded regretfully. "She's lying."
"I know that." Her tone implied that I was being a little slow.
"Things really are different." Jasper was marveling at the change in her. "You are more in control now."
Bella shrugged. "I think I understand things better now. I can remember things I didn't remember before. And I feel more…present. Until now, everything has been like a dream. Now it feels real." She turned to look me in the eye, and I saw desperation in her eyes.
"What's wrong, love?" I cupped her chin in my hand. "What can I do?"
"She told me something…something about you. I want to know if it's true."
"What did she tell you?" Alice asked hopefully.
Bella did not take her eyes from me. "She said you didn't die. She said you are alive."
Hope burgeoned inside me. "She told you the truth."
Bella looked hesitant. "You're really here?"
I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to hers. "I'm really here. I didn't die."
She seemed to collapse in on herself and began to make a kind of keening sound. It was equal parts joy and pain.
"Bella, my love, what's wrong?" I asked desperately.
"You're here," she choked. "You didn't die."
I looked to Jasper for guidance. I didn't understand her reaction. Surely she was happy I was here.
He clasped a hand to his chest. She's in some serious pain. I haven't felt anything like it before. But there is joy too. I don't understand it.
"Bella, please talk to me," I implored. "I don't know what to do."
He's here. He's really here. It was not Isabella's clipped tones I could hear now, but Bella's own mental tone.
She pulled from my arms and got to her feet. She began to pace back and forth.
Alice stood and reached out to catch her as she passed, but Peter shook his head abruptly. I could hear the concern in his thoughts. He was worried that Isabella would make another appearance if we pushed her.
"Bella, can you tell me what you are feeling?" Jasper asked softly.
She laughed tersely. "Don't you already know?"
"I can only feel the emotions, not the reasoning behind them. I know you are hurting and confused, but I don't know why."
"I'm hurting because she was right!" she said bitterly."I'm confused because none of it makes sense."
Of course, I am right. I always am, the wicked voice whispered.
"What is it that is confusing you, beautiful?" Garrett asked.
She pointed an accusatory finger at me. "He said he loved me."
"I do love you," I said fervently.
"You can't have loved me. If you did, you wouldn't have left me."
Oh! I understood now, and it hurt my heart. She believed what Isabella had been saying to us before. She thought we had left her by choice.
"You need to tell her," Jasper said. "Tell her what happened that day."
Stories. The voice was whispering to her again. Lies.
"Bella, I need you to listen to me and not her." I forced calm that I did not feel into my tone. "You need to hear the truth."
She thumped down onto the sand beside Garrett and pulled her knees up to her chest. Her stance hurt me almost as much as the fact she had chosen Garrett to protect her from my words.
"You remember the day we lost you, when we were fighting the newborns?" I began, and she nodded. "Do you remember why I wasn't there?"
"Alice saw something. It wasn't safe for you."
"That's right. Well, I was fighting with our family, and I saw what was happening to you through the wolves' pack mind." I didn't want to mention Jacob by name. If she really had forgotten him, it was better to keep it that way. "I saw what was happening, and I ran to the cliff to save you."
"You came for me?" she asked hopefully.
"I swear I came for you. I was too late, though. Victoria took you before I got there."
She looked at me with fathomless pain. "What happened to you then?"
I heard the thoughts she didn't vocalize. I was so fast. Why hadn't I come after her?
"I tried to follow you…" I faltered, and she took something from my silence. Her eyes were glued to the ground, and her shoulders hunched over. "I tried to come, but something happened to me. Do you remember me telling you about Alec? Jane's brother."
"He's the one that steals my feelings." She didn't look up at me. "I have heard Aro talking to him."
"Well, he stole my feelings that day. I found Esme, she was trying to follow you, but she was already frozen. I stepped into his line of sight, and I was frozen too." I didn't know what to say then. I expected a reaction from her, for her to throw accusations at me, but she remained silent.
Alice took up the explanation for me. "When we reached them only a few minutes had passed, and Alec was scared away. As soon as his influence lifted, Edward started looking for you. We all followed him."
"I followed the trail to the cliff. Your blood led us right to the edge and…"
"And into the water." She finished the sentence I could not. She shrugged and looked away into the ocean.
"We searched the water for hours," Jasper said. "Edward was like a man possessed. He didn't want to stop looking for you."
"But you did." She still wasn't looking at me but staring out into the ocean.
Jasper looked at her apologetically. "After hours of searching, we had to stop. We knew you couldn't have survived that long in the water with the blood loss. Carlisle said it was impossible."
She turned her head and looked at him with clear frustration. "I wasn't in the water, though."
"We didn't know that, Bella," he said defensively. "We thought you had drowned."
"Why didn't you know? Victoria was vicious. Why would she have left me in the water when she could have killed me so many other ways?"
There was echoing silence as she finished. None of us had considered the possibility that she was somewhere with Victoria. Not even me, the one who was the most desperate to find her alive. How could we have been so blind?
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I…I didn't even think." I choked on my words.
"Did you think?" Bella locked her cool stare on Alice. "Did you look for me?"
Alice looked at her desperately. "I didn't. I am so sorry, Bella. I know how you must be feeling, but I swear we—"
"You have no idea," she said in a whisper. "You have no idea how I feel!" Her voice rose to a shout. "I was left all alone because none of you thought!"
I had no words to comfort her. She was right. It was all our fault. All my fault.
I expected her rage to manifest itself in some other way, but all she did was hide her face in her hands and sigh heavily.
"It wasn't that we didn't want to believe." Alice looked positively desperate. "We would have given anything to have you with us again."
Bella laughed a short laugh devoid of all humor.
Jasper frowned. "Don't misunderstand us, Bella; we know you have been through hell, but so have we."
"You all had each other," she said bitterly. "I was all alone."
Jasper scowled at me. You have to tell her what happened to you.
I shook my head. She didn't need that. She had suffered far more than I had. To compare was unfair.
If you don't tell her, I will, he threatened.
"What are you saying?" Bella was looking up at me now.
"Nothing, love, nothing important."
"It is important," Jasper said in frustration.
"Then by all means you tell me," Bella said. Her tone was not her usual soft voice; it had a hint of Isabella's politeness and cruelty. I wondered for a moment whether she had switched and we hadn't realized it.
She looked stunned at herself. I don't know why I said that.
"It wasn't you, love, it was Isabella."
She snorted. "Is that what you call me, Isabella?" No sooner than the words left her lips did she cry out as if in pain. "I'm sorry! I can't help it!"
"It's okay, beautiful. Just take a deep breath and calm down." Garrett reached out and stroked her back. I would have been angry at the liberties he was taking had it not been for her reaction. She leaned into his touch and did as he asked. She drew a deep breath and released it.
"That's better, that helps," she said.
Peter nodded approvingly. "Good. Now, I know you are stressed, but you need to stay calm or you are going to lose yourself to Isabella again."
"She's fighting me," Bella said.
"I know, but you are the strong one here. Isabella is weak. As long as you stay calm and controlled, she can't come out."
Bella nodded. "Calm and controlled. I can do that." She didn't sound very confident, though. She looked to Jasper. "What's important?"
Jasper looked at her uncertainly. He wanted her to hear the story of what had happened to me, but he didn't want Isabella to emerge.
She raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm in control. You said I needed to know, so tell me."
"Edward wanted to die. He begged us to kill him, but none of us could bear it. So he went to the Volturi."
She hid her face in her hands again, and her words came out muffled. "You were there, too. When I was burning you were there."
"I don't think so. By the time we reached Volterra, days had passed. You would have awoken by then."
She laughed shortly. "What difference does it make? You were there when they were hurting me."
"We didn't know, Bella," Alice said desperately. "Aro told us you drowned."
She hissed at the sound of his name. I thought I saw a shadow of Isabella lurking in the depths of her eyes. I was sure she coveted Aro's demise as much, if not more than, any of us. "He lied."
"Well…we know that now," Jasper said stupidly. "And I know you have suffered, but so have we."
She locked eyes with him. "How?"
He took a deep breath and released it in a rush. "You tore our family apart," he said bluntly. "Ever since the day we lost you, we have been broken. Alice and I have left the family so I could get a break from their pain. Rosalie and Emmett have done the same. Carlisle and Esme were left alone, and Edward…Edward suffered more than anyone."
"What happened to you?" She looked me in the eye, searching for something. "Where did you go?"
"I never left the cliff," I admitted. "Well, almost never. I had to hunt to protect the humans that came too close, and the day I found out you were alive, I was visiting your grave, but other than that, I have spent every moment waiting for you to return to me."
"You knew I was alive?" Her words were colored with shock.
"No, never. I was waiting for your…your body to surface."
"For how long? How long have I been gone?"
There was an echoing silence following her words. None of us wanted to be the one to tell her just how long she had suffered for.
"Tell me!" she demanded.
I had to be the one to tell her. It was my responsibility. "It's been more than two years."
She gasped. "Two years! I was in the jungle living like an animal for more than two years!"
"I'm so sorry, Bella." There was pain echoing in my words. "I know you must hate me, but please understand, we had no idea."
She was silent for a long time. Garrett rubbed her back comfortingly, and she leaned into his touch.
When she spoke, I thought the words I'd heard were wishful thinking on my part.
"I forgive you."
"Oh, Bella, thank you," I said in a heartfelt tone, reaching out to touch her.
She held up a hand to stop me. "I forgive you, but I need you to do something for me."
"Anything," I vowed.
"I need you to take me back to the jungle."
