AN: Thankyou for the reviews!!! Just started writing this without a plan of where I was heading but here you go…
Sam is 19-20, Dean is 24.
I Was There…The First Time…
I guess this letter isn't really about a particular moment in your life.
Not a big milestone or anything.
Just lots of little things I noticed when I came to check on you at Standford.
Anytime I was in the area I came to see how you were doing.
Stood watching you.
Dad did too.
Wanted to make sure you were safe.
And that you were happy.
Sometimes I'd watch you walking around campus.
Talking to friends.
Just being.
Being 'normal'.
And you know sometimes I was a little jealous.
You got to experience that.
College life.
Girls.
Parties.
Look, I forgot who I was talking too.
You spent your whole time at Stanford buried in a book or at a computer.
Didn't you?
Well almost.
A lot of the time I'd find you sitting under a tree reading.
Or in the library glued to a computer.
Study, study, study.
I'd stand where you couldn't see me.
I sound like a stalker.
But I had to make sure you were ok.
And I had to be able to see you every now and then.
Otherwise I never would have made it Sam.
I just wouldn't of.
I noticed that you started drinking coffee when you went to Standford.
You never drank it before.
But now you drank cups of it.
Not just plain coffee, but all that girly stuff.
Half caf vanilla blah…
I noticed that you got a new cell phone, that of all things had a Metallica ring tone.
You hated Metallica.
It made me wonder.
Did you choose that song because of me.
Did you miss me?
Or was it just the in thing at Stanford…
One time in the library you nearly saw me.
I got distracted by the hot librarian.
And you tuned from the computer to get something out of your bag and saw me out of the corner of your eye.
You had this shocked look on your face and I heard you say "Dean."
I moved like lighting and managed to hide amongst the shelves.
You searched.
But I'm too good.
I watched you through the books.
"I'm losing my mind." I heard you whisper to your self.
I wasn't sure but you almost looked disappointed that I wasn't there.
I wanted to step out and say "Yep its me."
But I promised I'd give you space.
And I was sure you'd just be mad…
I noticed that you started talking to girls more.
You were paying a lot more attention to them then you used to.
And they were playing a lot more attention to you.
(In my opinion only because the older handsomer brother wasn't around).
On your 20th birthday I was in the area so a swung by.
You were laughing and mucking around with your friends.
I sat in the Impala watching, I was overcome with loneliness.
This gut wrenching ach.
You had them.
And I had… no one.
I had dad, but it's not the same as having buddies.
You were the only real one I had.
We were never in one place long enough to make any friends.
But I didn't care cos I had you.
You were enough.
Obviously I wasn't enough for you.
I'd broken up with Cassie a few days before.
Remember you met her, the reporter.
And it was eating me up inside.
I let her in and she threw it back in my face.
I know I don't like to talk, but you always forced everything out of me
And that eventually made me feel better.
But I didn't have you to do that any more.
And as I watched you it just twisted inside even more.
That I was alone.
And that I'd have to deal alone.
No annoying little brother to pester my problems out of me.
I know all I do is complain when you want to 'talk' but it helps.
Just knowing your there if I need to talk makes me feel better sometimes.
I want you to know how grateful I am Sam for that.
I'll never say it out loud, cos chick flick girly moments make me uncomfortable.
But I need them.
I know if I had gotten out of the car that day and told you about it you would have listened.
You might have been annoyed that I wasn't giving you 'space'.
But you would have listened.
I know that now.
Because your you.
I'm just glad I don't have to worry about that any more.
After everything over all the years, the last included.
Your by my side...
...and I don't feel lonely anymore.
I hope it's ok, please review…
