A/N: So my lovelies here it is, the final chapter of NYN. I can't tell you all enough how much it has meant to my heart the support and love this story has received. You are all such wonderful, wonderful caring people. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart!
To Jessica1971, who without her my words would not be as pretty and for so much more that I cannot even begin to express. Mostly thank you for being my friend. ILY bb!
To CellaCullen for giving me the courage to put so much of my personal story out for such a public display. Thank you my dear for your support and encouragement to write this story.
* Please check out the A/N at the bottom. =)
Disclaimer: SM owns (we all know this already) all things Twilight, even Edward.
Chapter 29
Forever in your eyes….
EPOV
I stepped out of the restaurant and was immediately engulfed by a giggling, squealing blur of arms and legs.
"Edward!" Olivia squealed, latching onto my neck with her tiny arms. For someone so small, the child was exceptionally strong.
"Hey, princess," I laughed, wrapping my arms around her tiny frame and hugging her to me. "You had a pretty big night, huh?"
"Oh my gosh," she laughed. "I never thought mom would agree to let me take the lessons! Thank you, Emmett," Olivia said, pulling back to smile at Emmett who had joined us just outside the restaurant.
I could see Bella and Rosalie looking at us from several feet away. I wasn't sure, but from the expression on Bella's face, I knew whatever they had been discussing was heavy. A trickle of apprehension ran down my spine, pooling in the pit of my stomach as I thought about the myriad of emotions that ran across Bella's face when Emmett threw me under the bus with the gift approval thing. I knew Bella was upset with me about giving the okay without discussing it with her first and I could see why she would be, but, honestly, I didn't really give permission in so many words. I just told Emmett I thought it was a great gift simply because I knew how happy it would make Olivia. She had been talking about wanting to take lessons for a while and I knew several of her friends had recently begun going to that particular farm.
I placed Olivia back on her feet and the three of us walked across the lot to where Bella and Rosalie stood.
I bent to press a kiss to Bella's cheek once we reached them, wrapping my arm over her shoulders. The tightness in my body relaxed ever so slightly as her arm slipped around my waist and she leaned into me.
We said our goodbyes to Emmett and Rosalie and made our way to our car. I chuckled as Olivia skipped ahead as I kept Bella tucked into my side. The lights of my car flashed as I hit the keyless entry and Olivia slipped inside quickly, leaving Bella and me alone outside for a moment.
"Bella," I murmured, turning to wrap both my arms around Bella's waist, pulling her to me. I pressed my lips to the top of her head, taking a deep breath of her delectable scent. "I-"
"Not right now, Edward, please," she whispered, shaking her head. Her voice was muffled as she buried her face into my chest, her hands curled in the fabric of my shirt. "I love you, so much… and I don't want you to ever think I don't know how much you love me or Olivia, okay?" she lifted her head to look up at me, her bottom lip trembled as she took another breath and I could see her struggling to rein in her emotions. "I… I just need to process. I don't want to hurt you by saying something I don't mean before I can do that. I'm sorry; just give me a little bit to do that, okay?"
I nodded, willing to put off the inevitable discussion for a little longer and pressed a kiss to her forehead before pulling back and opening her door.
The car ride home was pretty much silent as Olivia dozed off before we were even out of the parking lot and Bella was lost in her thoughts. I can't say that it was uncomfortable - the silence between us - but it wasn't exactly the most enjoyable experience, either. I realized Bella needed time to think, but I hated not knowing what she was thinking. There were many times since meeting Bella that I longed to get inside that head of hers and crawl around, to root out all her secrets and figure out what she was thinking, but none more than at that moment. I really wanted to know where her head was on this, to know that she wasn't going to push me away again.
There were a few things I knew without doubt in regards to Bella: one, she was extremely protective of Olivia - with good reason; and two, she had a hard time giving up control. The problem with the present situation I found myself in was that when it came to Olivia and the role I wanted to play in her life, I wasn't budging. I was sure Bella felt I had overstepped the bounds a little, but I had every intention of being that little girl's father; for all intents and purposes, I felt as though she was already mine. Olivia might not be my daughter biologically, but I loved her with all my heart and I couldn't imagine loving her any more if she truly was mine in every way.
And the simple fact boiled down to if Bella and I were going to continue down the road I had laid out - the one I wanted more than anything in this world - then we needed to set this straight from the start. Maybe it was a good thing this had occurred now; it opened the door for a discussion which had been brewing since I proposed to Bella, one that we needed to have, regardless of the outcome.
The more those thoughts ran through my mind, the more resolved I became in how to handle the discussion. I would be lying if I didn't admit that there was a small part of me that was afraid of how Bella would react to what I was going to tell her, but that was a chance I had to take. If we couldn't share the responsibility of caring for Olivia, then we really didn't have a future. That thought alone was enough to cause bile to rise in my throat, but there was no way around what needed to be done. I couldn't follow through with what I desired most for our future if Bella wasn't willing to allow me to be a part of Olivia's life fully.
~O~
"I'm sorry… I love you," Bella whispered as we stepped out of Olivia's room after putting the angel to bed. She wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me to her tightly as she rested her forehead on my chest. I felt my heart stutter as my arms automatically found their way around her back and I buried my face in her hair.
"I love you, too," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper as I tightened my hold. We stood like that, just holding one another for an indeterminable amount of time, neither one of us willing to be the first to speak what needed to be said, but both knowing it needed to be done. Finally, I broke the silence and felt my stomach tighten with anxiety.
"Come on, sweetheart. Let's go to bed."
Bella nodded and I pulled back, placing a hand at the small of her back, leading her toward our room. Bella made her way into the bathroom to change as I stepped into the closet to undress. Grabbing a pair of sleep pants, I slid them on before padding back into the bedroom to slip between the sheets and wait on Bella to come to bed.
I fell back on the pillows, throwing an arm over my eyes as thoughts of what I wanted - what I needed - to say and how to even start talking about those things flashed through my mind. It made my head spin and the nausea became almost unbearable at the thought of all the ways the conversation could go wrong.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear Bella come out of the bathroom, jumping slightly as I felt the bed shift and her snuggle into my side.
Bella pressed her lips to my bare chest and I couldn't help but groan at the contact as my body reacted to her touch. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders, tucking her tightly into me as my fingers curled into her hair, holding her head in place directly over my heart.
She released a heavy sigh, placing a hand on my chest and lifting her head to look me in the eye. As I stared into that dark chocolate gaze, I knew there was nowhere I wanted to be more than in her arms, but we couldn't go any further if she wasn't willing to let me in; my heart broke in that moment knowing that I wasn't sure where we would be at the end of the conversation. For a brief moment, the panic was almost more than I could bear. I knew she loved me, but I wasn't as sanguine on whether she was ready, especially after her reaction earlier, for us to take the next step.
"Bella… I love you so much," I began, taking a strand of her chestnut hair, reveling in the feeling of the silky texture as I watched it slip between my fingers. "And I love Olivia more than I can even explain. I didn't mean to upset you by telling Em what they were doing was okay… and I realize I should have mentioned it to you before tonight. I'm sorry about that, but, honey, if we're… if I'm going to… well, if we're going to make all of this as permanent as I hope to one day, then… I want to be more than just Olivia's friend, Bella. Honestly, I feel that I am more, but if that's not how you feel about what my place is, or you don't see that as where this is going, with where we are, then you need to tell me that now. Because… baby, I can't be in her life and be nothing more than just her friend. I want so much more than that… from both of you. You know that already and I think I've made it pretty clear what my intentions are. I know I didn't go about proposing the best way before, but you know that a future with you, and with Olivia, is what I want…
"Bella, I want you to be my wife, but I also want to be Olivia's father, but… baby, if that's not what you want… well, I'm not going to force you, but I can't…" My voice caught as I laid my heart out for her in a way I had never done before, the fear of what I was telling her and the realization that if she didn't feel the same way I would have to let her go – let them both go –constricted my throat, stealing my voice. I cleared my throat and continued, my voice coming out in a rough whisper. "I can't do this if you're not on the same page with me, if that isn't what you want… I can't… As much as I love you, Bella, I just can't."
My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I watched the emotions play across Bella's features, anxiety coiled in the pit of my stomach.
Bella's eyes bounced back and forth between my own. I watched them fill with tears and began to feel the stinging behind my own as realization of what she was about to say began to wash over me. She wasn't ready. She was going to push me away again and there would be no turning back; I just couldn't do it, not this time, not on something so important to me, to us.
Bella reached up, cupping my cheek in her small palm. My eyes closed of their own accord and I felt myself unconsciously leaning into her touch. I relished the sensation, knowing it might be the last time I would be able to feel her soft skin against my own.
"Edward," she breathed, and I felt my heart squeeze at the broken sound of her voice. "Edward, open your eyes. Look at me, baby."
I felt the grimace crease my face but couldn't stop myself from complying with her demand and opened my eyes to stare into those of the only woman I had ever truly loved, waiting for her to end my world. I sucked in a breath at the raw emotion I saw shining in Bella's eyes. Those warm depths had pulled me in from the moment I first saw them, but seeing the love that she felt for me so clearly in them, especially at that moment, was my undoing.
"Edward, I love you so very much," she said, her voice breaking even at a whisper as she looked at me, caressing my cheek with her thumb. The tightness in my chest began to ease as she smiled and brought her lips to mine briefly.
"You are such a good man, Edward, and you've been nothing but kind and loving and patient with me since the moment we met. I'm so, so sorry that I've been horribly unfair to you-"
"Bella, baby…" I said, interrupting the words falling from her lips. "Don't, that's not what I was trying to say. Not in the slightest-"
"Edward," she said, smiling through the tears that had begun to slip from the corner of her eyes. "I know that's not what you were saying, but it's true all the same. You have been so completely understanding with everything that I brought into this relationship and I've kept you at arm's length on so many things, especially those things regarding Olivia, even when I knew you only wanted to be something to her that she needs so very much. I'm so sorry."
Bella's voice broke on a sob and she dropped her head to my chest as I pulled her on top of me, holding her as she let the wall finally break.
"Baby, don't cry… please," I murmured, fighting with all I had to hold back the emotional torrent washing over me as I held her in my arms while she cried. "Shh… it's okay."
"No," she said vehemently, snapping her head off my chest and pulling away from me to sit up, straddling my thighs. I struggled to sit up, following her. "It's not okay! It's not okay that I have done that to you. And I want you to know that there is no one, not one single person on the face of this Earth, Edward, that I want more than you to be a father to my little girl. You are the only person outside of Mike that I would trust to be exactly what that child needs in a father. You've proved time and again since you came into our lives how you want nothing but what is best, not only for Olivia, but for me. And I was a fool, Edward, a damn fool not to tell you yes when you asked me to marry you that night. I should have been screaming it from the rooftops that I wanted nothing more than to marry you. But I didn't do that, did I?"
I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly as I watched the tears slide down her beautiful face. I stared at her as she looked at me in a near hysterical state and was completely at a loss on how to respond; though what she was saying was in a way true, I had never felt she was being unfair to me during our relationship. I understood her hesitancy in many aspects of our relationship. The fact that everything happened so quickly between us was a perfect example of one area I understood her resistance, but I couldn't let that continue where Olivia was concerned. Before I could put all my thoughts into words, Bella continued, answering her own question.
"No, I didn't," she said quietly, her voice thick with emotion. "I didn't because I'm an idiot who was too afraid to admit, even to myself, that there is nothing I want more than for you to be in my life - in my daughter's life - for the rest of eternity. And if you'll still have me, that's exactly what I plan on doing as soon as humanly possible."
"What are you saying, Bella?" I asked, unsure if what I was hearing and what she was actually saying were truly one in the same.
"I'm saying that I want to marry you, Edward," she said, looking me directly in the eye and reaching for my hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing my palm. "I'm saying that more than anything I want to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. I'm saying that I want you to be Olivia's father, officially. I want you to adopt her… I want you to adopt Olivia."
"What?" I flinched as the broken sound of my own voice hit my ears and my brow furrowed in confusion. My head was telling me that Bella had just agreed to marry me, that she wanted me to be Olivia's father, really be her father, but my heart was too afraid to believe it as I gaped at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying.
"I want to get married, as quickly as we can, then as soon as you can after we're married I want you to become Olivia's father in every way possible. Mike will always be a part of her, you adopting her and becoming her father legally won't change that, Edward. I want this… for her. For you… for us, Edward, I want this for us."
Bella reached out, framing my face between her palms as her eyes burned into mine with an intensity I had never seen before. I felt the stinging behind my lids as I stared back at her in disbelief. Never in all the scenarios that had played out in my mind over the course of the evening was that one of the paths I thought the conversation would travel.
"You're sure… Oh God, Bella," I said on a breath, pleading as I buried my hands in her hair and placing my forehead against hers. "Please tell me you're sure."
"I'm sure, Edward," she said as she wrapped her small hands around my wrists and smiled. "I've never been surer of anything in my life."
The End
A/N: There are so many mixed emotions for me as this story has reached the end of it's road. It has been such a cathartic journey for me, as you know much of my personal story is in this fic. Thank you all once again for loving these characters almost as much as I do.
For Ladysharkey, Jadsmama and Cullen312, (and the rest of you wonderful people out there as well) though I can't continue to write these characters forever I do have a couple more outtakes for after the epilogues have posted. One will be from a scene many of you have been interested in knowing what happened. ^_~ (bet ya can't guess what it is. LOL) The other will be a future-take and I think you will be very pleased with that one as well...there may be some others that I come up with but that is what I have planned at this point.
I have been asked if I will be writing a sequel to Need You Now, and at this point the answer is no. I have also been asked if I will be writing after NYN and to that the answer is yes. I have been working with Master Yoda on the outline for the next story since before I began writing NYN. Actually since before I completed Make Me Believe. So yes, that story will be coming, I will continue to write stories in the future but I do plan on taking a short hiatus before beginning to post anything other than the outtakes for NYN.
The title for the next fic is Someone Like You. I hope you all will come back and join me and Master Yoda for that journey.
Thank you all again...
Until next time...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
bellasunderstudy1
please visit www(.)cff(.)org to learn more about Cystic Fibrosis treatment and stories of living with the disease.
