Chapter 29: Suspicions

Sitting in the doctor's private room, Milcah thought back over the past couple of weeks. Capturing a titan was proving much more difficult than either Hange or Milcah had previously believed. Erwin was vehemently refused permission to bring a titan into the city despite what had been learned about them. The monarchy was fearful of the reactions it would cause among the people and did not want to provoke the titans into attacking. This meant that for the time being, doing experiments on them would be difficult or impossible, but they could at least test their equipment and refine their titan catching techniques in the field.

Lately, Hange had been covering the spears that they shot into the titans in different poisonous or toxic substances in order to see what the effects would be. Thus far they had been unable to kill a titan in any way besides hitting its nape, but they had found a substance that would make the wounds tighten around the spears and cause a temporary paralysis effect. Hange and Milcah were currently experimenting with different levels of the substance with different classes of titans and the minimum number of spears that would be necessary to control titans of each class.

Milcah and Hange had also just finished completing the specifications for a deadly net which would help hold a titan down. The inside was covered with foot-long metallic spikes that would dig into its prey and could be treated with toxins to help paralyze the titan. There were some in the Survey Corps who were outraged at the idea of sparing the life of a single titan, even for study. Others were eager to learn about the enigma the titans presented to humanity. It was only the deep respect everyone carried for Commander Erwin that kept internal fighting from breaking out in the Regiment.

Lane Donovan had recovered from her illness and had mostly healed. She had said goodbye to her team after being honorably discharged from the Corps by Erwin. Lane had privately and profusely thanked Milcah for saving her life before departing with Victor, and Milcah wished them both the very best. Oluo had also recently returned from the hospital and he and Petra had been spending even more time together, frequently disappearing together for long periods of time. Levi had been agitated by this new development and Milcah tried not to be jealous, knowing that he and Petra shared a close friendship and special bond.

"Lance Corporal Milcah," the doctor's voice pulled her from her reverie. Milcah had gotten to know Doctor Gracie Romero from her frequent visits to the hospital to visit Donovan and Oluo, and the tall redheaded woman had gained her trust and respect. So when Milcah had become suspicious of her condition and her period had continued to be late she had gone to Dr. Romero. They had performed the test the day before and the results were now ready. Milcah looked at the Doctor now with anxiety, her heart pounding against her ribcage, feeling a cold sweat begin to break out across her head.

"The results are positive, congratulations."

Milcah felt as though Gracie's voice was echoing from some distant hallway or as if she was hearing it from underwater. In her heart Milcah had known. Her period had been over a month late and she'd been having frequent morning sickness, but to hear it confirmed by the Doctor was something unbelievable. This changed everything. She and Levi were not married, and as far as she knew they were far from becoming so. Would he be happy when she told him? Would he stay with her?

"Are you alright Milcah?" Dr. Romero's voice broke in, her hand laid gently on her shoulder in concern. Milcah nodded with a small smile locking eyes with the Doctor reassuringly.

"Yes, thank you." She answered after taking a moment to regain her wits, her hand moving to her abdomen, looking down at herself. She was pregnant, she carried a child inside of her even at this moment.

"I'm going to give you instructions for proper diet during your term and I want you to come talk to me if you need anything." Doctor Romero informed her, jotting down instructions on a piece of paper. "And of course you'll need to inform your commander, you can't go out in the field during your pregnancy. Would you like me to write something for you?"

"No, thank you Doctor. I can handle that," Milcah answered quickly, not knowing whether she could in fact handle it or not. She would have to tell Levi before she informed Erwin, but Milcah wasn't sure she'd ever have the courage to do that. She accepted the instructions from her gratefully and walked from the room as if in a daze. This was not something she had expected nor something she was ready for. At the same instant that it filled her with joy to be carrying Levi's child within her, it also filled her with indescribable dread. Levi had never mentioned wanting children to her and Milcah hadn't thought much of it before either. Bringing a child into a world where humanity was caged like cattle seemed full of folly.

Milcah blinked against the bright sunlight as she walked out of the hospital, looking up at the clear sky and she took a deep shaky breath. Pikale looked at her with knowing eyes as she walked up to him and he nudged her with his head affectionately. She scratched his nose absentmindedly as she stared into space, one of her hands rubbing her lower abdomen thoughtfully. Would it be a boy or a girl? What would it look like? Would it be healthy? Would it be safe…?

Milcah remained understandably distracted throughout the rest of her duties for the day. She and Levi were helping to train the Squad Leaders in the use of the double belt 3Dmg and Levi kept looking at her in frustration and concern. Her turns were awkward and slow and she seemed constantly distracted.

"Are you alright?" He asked her when they had a moment to themselves, his eyes examining her critically as she nodded, her eyes still looking far away. "Are you ill?"

"I suppose I'm not feeling well," she said at last, looking at him for the first time that day. Her eyes were swirling with emotion and she seemed both confused and afraid, an expression he'd never seen in her before. Milcah was resolutely avoiding looking at him.

"Is something wrong?"

"No," she smiled at him, squeezing his hand reassuringly, her eyes sparkling. "No, nothing's wrong. I'm sorry."

"Tch. Then get your shit together brat."

"Yes sir."

And she did pull her shit together. Milcah instantly became more focused and she began performing better, daring to give advice even to Erwin. If Levi were anyone else he would have been fooled into believing everything was okay, but he had Milcah's habits ingrained in his soul and there was something desperately wrong. When she continued to avoid his gaze and ran off at the end of their practice without speaking to him, a cold sweat and suspicion began to creep over him. Was she considering ending their relationship? At first Levi pushed the thought aside with derision, it seemed such an alien concept. Levi had imagined what would happen if one of them died in battle, but he'd never considered her leaving him.

Milcah couldn't bear to remain underneath Levi's scrutiny. He could read her too easily and she still didn't know what to say to him or how he'd react. So she hurried away after the practice, making it into the corridors of the hallway before being stopped by a man calling out to her. She almost didn't slow down but the more alert part of her registered that the voice belonged to Commander Erwin and she skidded to a stop, turning hesitantly and saluting him. He smiled easily at her.

"Am I keeping you from an appointment?"

"No, sir."

"Then walk with me." Milcah trailed alongside her commander, his imposing figure towering over her, strong and sure, and she could feel her heart beating against her ribcage. He seemed to be thinking over what he was going to say to her.

"Milcah, I wanted you to know that you have earned my respect over this year," he began, and Milcah looked up at him surprised, his warm eyes looking into hers. "You have become an indispensable part of the Survey Corps. We wouldn't be where we are today without you. I look forward to seeing your future contributions."

He clapped her on the shoulder affectionately and turned away, heading down the hallway. Milcah felt as if she would through up and quickly made her way to the women's barracks, falling into her bed, her heart beating. How could she own up to Erwin that she was pregnant and could no longer remain in the Corps after he had told her that? Pulling the rough blankets up over her head, Milcah felt her tears begin to wet her pillow.

Levi carried a bowl of soup back from the mess hall to the women's quarters. He wasn't worried about it being crowded as almost everyone was still at dinner. He could make out Milcah's form in her bunk, a candle still lit by her bed, her blankets pulled up to her chin. Levi sat on the edge of her bed, letting the bowl of soup rest on his knee as he felt her forehead for fever. She didn't feel warm. Milcah's eyes flickered open at him and she smiled softly, but Levi saw how red her eyes were from crying and his breath caught in his throat.

"I brought you dinner." He told her, and she nodded, sitting up in bed and accepting it gratefully. She ate in silence as Levi observed her. Something was definitely wrong. "What happened?"

Milcah looked up at him in surprise and she teased her lower lip with her teeth, her nose crinkling in agitation. She looked at him, and her gaze was more serious than he'd ever seen it before and it made his breath catch in his throat. Had he done something wrong?

"Levi… I…I'm…." Milcah trailed off, looking away from him and Levi swallowed uncomfortably. He waited for her to tell him that she didn't love him, that everything had been a mistake and that she wanted him to leave her alone. Her seriousness and awkwardness around him all day could only be pointing in that direction. Milcah hesitated and appeared to lose her nerve.

"Thank you for the soup."

"Of course." Levi answered softly, taking the soup bowl back and standing as she snuggled back under her covers. "Do you want to spend the night with me?"

"I'd better stay here tonight," she answered after a long pause, unable to meet his eye. Levi nodded stiffly and walked away his chest tight at her rejection and he tried to remember what he could have done to so quickly lose her affections. Stopping in the hallway he leaned against the wall, his head falling back and he clutched at his chest at the almost physical pain that clenched his heart, finding it hard to breathe. He felt hollow to the core of his being.