Chapter 29

Sam pressed the heels of his hands into his closed eyes, tired after hours of research with very little to show for it. It had been over a week since Dean and Castiel had left and Sam, thankfully, was now over the worst of the demon blood detox. He still wasn't feeling the greatest, but at least he was past the point of wanting to run out and track down demons just to get a taste of blood.

He began closing up the books he had been looking through when his cell phone sitting next to him began to ring. He picked it up, expecting to see Dean's number on the screen. He was surprised, however, to see an unfamiliar number from Caller Unknown.

"Hello?" Sam answered.

"Hello," an unfamiliar older male's voice answered sounding slightly uncertain. "Is this where I can reach Sam Winchester?"

"This is Sam," Sam replied hesitantly. "Who's this?"

"Oh! Sam, it's good to hear your voice again. I'm not sure if you remember me. It's been several months since we last spoke. This is Jacob. Jacob McCauley. You and your brother, Dean, saved me a few months ago from demons that attacked me at my church. The church in La Sal, Utah. Do you remember?"

It was as if a light had suddenly switched on. Memories came tumbling back into Sam's mind. Memories of the small town… the church with the Indian burial grounds… Jacob… Castiel… the demons… Dean nearly lifeless on a cross…

Sam gripped the edge of the table he was sitting at almost unable to breathe.

"Sam? Sam, are you still there?" He heard Jacob ask nervously.

"I-I'm here," Sam managed to stammer out. "Yes… yes, I remember. It's… good to hear from you, Jacob. How are you?"

"I'm well, thank you, Sam. I'm calling because I have been following the news… from what I have seen it appears… well… it seems as though the Apocalypse has begun."

Sam closed his eyes and sighed, feeling a stab of guilt.

"Yeah… yeah, it has…"

"Well, I was looking through my books that I have here at the church. I think I may have found something that might be of some help. Can you and Dean come out here? I would like to have you boys take a look at it."

"Dean's out doing some research… and I'm not quite up for traveling yet… but I can call Dean and send him and Castiel your way. Shouldn't take them too long to get there."

"That's fine, Sam. I'll be waiting for their arrival. Thank you."

"Thank you, Jacob. Talk to you soon."

Sam hung up the phone, his head pounding in his chest. He was bewildered as to why he had forgotten about Utah, but slowly the realization of what had happened dawned on him.

Castiel.

Sam picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number.

* * *

Dean whistled cheerfully to himself as he began packing up their bags so they could head back out on the road. They were a day's drive from Bobby's and he was anxious to get back to figure out their next course of action. Castiel was taking a shower and Dean had decided it was better to let him take this one alone as the last few times he had joined him they wound up taking a little longer than originally planned.

A guitar rift cut through the air. Dean picked up his phone and saw Sam's number on the screen. He answered with a smile.

"Hey, Sammy. How're you feeling?" Dean answered.

"Hey, Dean. Good… I'm good. I feel a lot better."

"Good. Glad to hear it. So, Cas and I should be home late tonight or early tomorrow morning. We have a lot of stuff to go over and try to figure out a plan. Lucifer has managed to start collecting an army of humans and we need to come up with something to stop him-"

"Dean! Look, we really need to talk about something."

Dean frowned as he heard the seriousness in Sam's voice.

"What's wrong? Something happen? Bobby and Ellen OK?"

"They're fine. It's just… where's Castiel? Is he with you?"

Dean glanced over at the closed bathroom door. He went and slipped out the motel room door into the fresh morning air.

"He's in taking a shower. I just stepped outside. Why? What's going on?"

"Dean… I don't know how to tell you this…"

Dean's stomach began to knot with worry. "Sam, just tell me."

He heard Sam sigh.

"I got a phone call today. From a Jacob McCauley."

Jacob McCauley? Why did that name sound familiar…?

"We met him in Utah. La Sal, Utah. He was one of the seals and we saved him. You almost got killed, though, by the demons that were after him."

It felt like someone had punched Dean in the gut. The memories flooded back to him as if they had been waiting for this moment. All of them. Including the torture… and Anna… and Castiel…

"You remember, don't you?" Sam said quietly after Dean had been silent for a minute. "You remember it all too."

"What the hell…?" Dean shook his head in shock. "Why couldn't we remember any of that?"

"I think I know." Sam paused for a moment. "I… I think Castiel wanted you to forget."

Dean's heart began to jackhammer in his chest. He shook his head slowly.

"No… no, Cas wouldn't do that."

"Why not? If he thought it would protect you-"

"He would have at least told me before he did it. He would have given me a choice." Dean felt the desperation rise within him. "Maybe he forgot too. He would have said something by now…"

"Not if he was responsible and felt guilty about hiding it."

Dean felt his previous joy dissolve inside of him. He couldn't say anything in response.

"Look, Dean, you and Castiel need to work this out yourselves. But you needed to know because Jacob thinks he found something to help us and he wants one of us to check it out. I can't so maybe you and Castiel can."

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. He closed his eyes and nodded, even though he knew Sam couldn't see him.

"I'll take care of it," He managed to choke out.

"Dean… I'm sure he had a reason…"

"I'll call you back," Dean said quickly and hung up.

He clenched his cell phone in one hand and covered his face with the other. Feelings of anger and betrayal filled him, threatening to explode.

No… how could he? How could he do this to me?

He straightened himself up and went back inside the motel room. Castiel was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on his shoes. He glanced up at Dean and smiled.

"I wondered where you went…"

His voice trailed off and his smile faded as he saw the look on Dean's face.

"Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean stared at him, arms folded across his chest.

"Do you have something you wanna tell me about, Castiel?" Dean's voice was calm, but the anger could be heard boiling under the surface.

Castiel stared at him, frightened and confused. "What? I… I don't know what you mean…"

He could see Dean's jaw clench and his face darken.

"You don't think you have something important to tell me? Something you may have forgotten to mention?"

Castiel felt his stomach drop with dread, but all he could manage was shaking his head slowly.

Dean shot him a bitter smile.

"Well, then let me refresh your memory," He growled. "Like Sam was kind enough just now to do with me. Does Utah ring any bells? How about a church with ancient Indian burial grounds? How about a seal with twice hallowed grounds and all that crap? How about me getting my ass kicked by a group of demons who decided to use me as their own Easter Sunday reenactment!? HOW ABOUT ANNA TURNING INTO ME SO SHE COULD FUCK YOU!? ANY OF THAT RING ANY BELLS, CASTIEL!? AND WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I REMEMBER ANY OF IT UNTIL SAM JUST TOLD ME!?"

Dean glared at Castiel, his face twisted with rage. Castiel's eyes were wide with horror and grief. He cowered on the bed, trembling with fear.

"How… how did you…?"

"So you knew? You knew. This whole fucking time you knew!" Dean threw his phone across the room in a rage. "You lied to me! You fucking lied to me! You god damn son of a bitch! After everything! After everything we've been through! You fucking lied to me!"

Castiel shook his head desperately as the tears streamed down his face.

"Please… I had to… I couldn't tell you…"

"Why the fuck not? After everything we've done? And you fucked with my mind, Castiel! My fucking mind! You had no right to do that to me! No right to take away memories like that without even asking me or even telling me! Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

"I was protecting you!" Castiel yelled back desperately. "If the other angels had known-"

"Fuck the other angels! You could have told me a million times after you fell! When you showed up at the motel that night. At Bobby's. Hell, even the night we first had sex would have worked! But you didn't. And I had to learn about from fucking Sam. From Sam!"

"I didn't know how to tell you…"

Dean shook his head and let out a derisive laugh. "That's because you're not fucking human, Castiel. You may have fallen, but you're still just a heartless dick. You never really loved me," Dean spat out. "You only cared about yourself."

Something changed in Castiel's eyes at Dean's words. A look of fury came over his face and he rose to his feet.

"I was raped by Anna who looked like you in order to torment me," Castiel said quietly, but his words seeped in anger. "I was tortured by Zachariah because he found out what we had done together. I risked everything for you and to save your brother. I let my grace be ripped from me for you. I fell for you. I gave up my existence… my home… my brethren… my eternity for you!"

He shook his head slowly, tears of hurt and anger filling his eyes.

"Do not tell me that I never loved you. I have loved you from the moment I pulled you from Hell."

A deathly silence permeated the room as the two men stood there, staring at each other. Finally Dean slowly shook his head and backed away, angry tears in his eyes.

"I can't do this," He said quietly. "I need to leave."

He turned around and stormed out of the room, slamming the door closed as he left. Castiel stood there frozen as he listened to the car door slam and then the tires squeal as Dean pulled out of the parking lot. His legs gave out from under him and he collapsed into a heap onto the floor.

Come back… please come back, Dean… don't go… don't leave me like this…

He buried his face into his hands and sobbed, desperately praying that he would hear the car return. That Dean would come back to him so he could say how sorry he was. He trembled and gasped for air as he cried. He had never wanted to die so much in all his existence. He didn't know what to do without Dean. He didn't know how to be without Dean Winchester.

He's not coming back. He doesn't want to come back. He doesn't want me anymore.

Castiel forced himself to stand on trembling legs. His breath hiccupped as he tried to slow his sobs. He carefully gathered up his things and zipped close his bag. He wiped his face on his sleeve as he looked over and saw Dean's cell phone on the floor. He got out his own and carefully dialed the number like Dean had showed him. He stared at the phone on the floor as it rang until Dean's voicemail picked up.

"Hey, this is Dean. Leave a message."

Fresh tears started to trickle down Castiel's face when he heard Dean's voice.

"D-Dean… I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for what I did to you. For everything I've done to you. I-I don't deserve your forgiveness… or your love. I never have. I'm leaving so you never have to be hurt by me again. I… I don't know where I'm going to go. But you can fulfill your destiny now. Like you were meant to. Good-bye, Dean. I… I love you…"

Castiel hung up and squeezed his eyes closed in anguish. He finally took a deep breath and wiped his face again with his sleeve. He slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out the motel room door.

Once outside he saw the shiny black Lincoln parked nearby. Leaning up against it was a very calm-looking Jasper who was watching Castiel intently.

"Good. You're here. My Master wants to see you, Castiel," Jasper said crisply. He opened the rear passenger door and motioned for Castiel to get inside.

Castiel stared at the car for moment, his insides knotted with grief and fear.

Where else do I have to go?

He slowly walked over and got into the car. Jasper quickly shut the door and walked around to the front and getting in the driver's side. They soon were pulling out of the parking lot and headed out to the open road.

******************************************************************************

I think I just heard screams of "No, Castiel!" from around the world! ; )

That has been in my head for weeks now and I'm so glad I was finally able to write it! And I know all of you are desperate to find out what is going to happen next. You're lucky I'm on vacation and will be able to update soon!

Can't wait for the feedback on this one! : )