Gillian washed her hands and in her excitement had to make sure she was actually doing a thorough job. She dried quickly and headed down the centre of the room to where the charge nurse was by Owen's plastic crib. The NICU had emptied out yesterday. Owen was the only one there now, which according to the staff was a weird slump. There were still babies in the step-down unit and Gillian knew there were at least three other high risk mothers in the hospital, their babies had the potential to arrive any day and then the neonatal unit would be busy again; one woman was having triplets. For now, it almost seemed quiet, aside from the noise of the machines monitoring her baby boy. This was probably the perfect day to start nursing; there was no one else around to witness or distract or frustrate. Or judge.
Gillian's breasts were full and heavy. She had pumped that morning on schedule and then got the phone call from the nurse asking her to come in for the ten o'clock feeding. So she volunteered to take Lewis to day care and picked up a few supplies they were getting desperate for and tried so hard to kill time. She arrived early. So what. Her breasts felt full and heavy most of the time anyway. And there was no rule that said she couldn't come up and just be with Owen before she attempted his first feed.
"Good morning," Beth greeted her.
"Morning," Gillian responded with a smile.
"I'm just moving Owen's feeding tube."
Gillian looked down to see what the nurse was doing. The tube now ran down Owen's nose. He didn't look very happy with her. "He's back on air?" Gillian noted the nasal cannula.
"He had quite a few spells in the night."
"And it's still ok to try and nurse?"
Beth nodded. "He's thirty-four weeks. He's been going at his pacifier just fine. It's time to try." Stress on the 'try'. She finished up taping the feeding line in place and stripped off her latex gloves. Gillian wanted to touch her little man but held off. There was such a thing as too much touching. She thought back to Cal that morning and almost blushed. With the nurse gone Owen's face relaxed again. "Just remember it won't be easy the first time," Beth went on, packing away her tray of supplies. "It will be harder than with a newborn."
"I understand," Gillian confirmed. She had already been spoken to about this. Beth would help her though. She wasn't going to just go at it alone. Although she could. She had certainly mastered it with Lewis. Even if it had taken an eternity. Gillian just wanted to nurse her baby. She just wanted to feel like she was an actual mother instead of a babysitter. Bath time was great, kangaroo care even better, but nothing would compare to feeding her baby the way nature intended.
"I'm just going to clear this away," Beth told her. "And I'll be back when it's time."
Gillian nodded. She leaned in to the isolette and pressed her hand around the back of Owen's head. He looked up towards her but his gaze seemed relatively unfocused; his eyes were a kind of grey, like his father's. "Hi little guy," Gillian murmured. Owen waved his arms. Gillian smiled; the warm feeling of love in her heart.
They were going to attempt to feed Owen twice a day, either by breast or by bottle. The rest of his feeds would still be by the feeding tube. That was because he was still too young to manage more. He would get tired easily. And as Gillian found out, it was hard for him to suck, swallow, keep breathing and stay awake. Ten spells of apnea and bradycardia later and Gillian was starting to feel traumatised. Beth stood by to keep an eye on him but Gillian was able to watch as the colour drained out of his face before the monitors even picked up that he was in distress. Then he got sleepy and constantly drifted off and Beth finally called it. She suggested they try again tomorrow. She put Owen back in the crib while Gillian dressed herself again, her hands shaking slightly, wondering what that was from exactly.
"That was a great first try!" Beth enthused kindly, settling Owen, checking the leads stuck all over him to make sure they weren't tangled or missing. "We'll try the afternoon feed tomorrow though. He tends to be a little more alert then."
Gillian agreed. She would have to get Cal to pick Lewis up. Speaking of which, she had a sudden urge to call him. She excused herself for the phone available for parents and dialled out his number. "Lightman," he answered.
"Hey it's me."
"Hi me. How'd it go?"
"Eh," she responded.
"That didn't sound entirely... what happened?"
Gillian told him about how Owen stopped breathing when he was latched on and she had to pry him loose to nudge him into rhythm again. Then how he simply got sleepy.
"You sound disappointed."
"Maybe a little."
"It wasn't gonna go perfectly the first time."
"I know that," she responded sharper than she intended.
"You sound stressed out luv. Come and have lunch with me."
Gillian listened to his voice. He went quiet, waiting for her response but she wanted to just listen to him for a while. "What are you doing?"
"Workin'. I promise. Loke-a and I are hot on the trail of what looks like one of them hedge-fund embezzla's." He sounded excited but after he paused for a second his tone was serious and forceful again. "Lunch Gill. You and me. Alone time. I got a taste for it this mornin' and now I want more."
Gillian smiled. She checked her watch. Whoa was that really the time! "I have to pump."
"Sounds like an excuse," Cal teased.
"You know it's ridiculous, my nipple is bigger than his face."
Cal laughed. "All I heard was nipple."
Gillian hoped he was alone wherever he was.
"Lunch," Cal pressed.
"I really do have to pump Cal. You know I'm on a schedule." Owen's schedule, so it would be the same as it was at the hospital and less disruptive when he got home. "But after that?"
"Now you're on. So, in say an hour?"
"Ok. But Cal?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to come in. Can you meet me downstairs?"
"Of course, my darlin'. I'll see you there. Wear somethin' sexy." And he hung up.
PJ
"Poor Lewis," Cal murmured against his wife's hair. "You know what he said to me today?" He paused slightly and went on anyway, not exactly expecting an answer. "He said 'everyone else gets to see Wen but me.'"
"Aw did he?" Gillian sounded distressed. She felt everything so much more acutely.
"Grandma, Emy, Mum. Lots of big people."
"Oh," Gillian felt worse.
"So I talked to Beth while I was up there this aftanoon and practically got down on my knees and begged her to let Lewis come up for a visit."
"And?" Gillian prompted.
"She was reluctant as hell until I suggested puttin' Lewis in a biohazard suit."
Gillian gave a slight chuckle at the image despite herself. "And?"
"And she reluctantly agreed. But she had me promise her that he wasn't sick and that he would stay home from day care on a twenty-four hour quarantine. And he was goin' in that biohazard suit."
"So that was a 'yes'?"
"It was a yes," Cal confirmed.
Gillian shifted where she lay to kiss his cheek and then she gave him a fierce hug. "I love you, you know?"
"Yes I know," Cal responded lightly.
"Did you think Owen looked pale this afternoon?"
"Hmm," Cal thought back. "No he seemed all right. Dozy though. Practically snubbed me out to sleep."
"He reminds me of you."
"You say that about Lewis. They can't both be like me surely?"
"He is. Owen is. When I'm trying to feed him, he looks up at me like 'what the hell is this? Too much effort when they'll just put it directly in my stomach.'"
Cal gave a slight laugh. He could actually imagine Owen making that kind of face.
"He looks exactly like you when he does it."
Which can't have been true. Cal hadn't decided who the baby looked like. It was too difficult to tell with cannula's and feeding tubes in the way. He suspected the little guy had gotten Gillian's nose though. And it looked like his eye colour. But that didn't mean anything. They wouldn't know for sure until his permanent colour settled when he was six months old.
"Well at least I know he's mine."
Gillian slapped a hand against his chest lightly.
"Violence," Cal warned. "That's five minutes in time out if you're not careful."
Gillian gave a slight laugh. "Sorry," she pouted. "Kiss to make it better?"
"Don't start. I'm sleepin'."
Gillian smiled against his neck, placing a soft kiss there anyway. "Owen refuses to latch on," she went on because who else did she have to talk about this kind of thing?
"Just like Lewis then."
"No Lewis didn't know how. Owen knows how, he's done it before, but he's all of a sudden decided he doesn't want to. As soon as I give up and put him down he goes at his pacifier for half an hour."
"That does sound like me," Cal mused. "Stubborn and defiant."
"Yes!"
"Want me to talk to him? Threaten time out?"
"Would you?"
"But you have to get the next one, othawise he'll get it into his head that I'm the bad guy."
"I could live with that," Gillian teased lightly.
"Oi," Cal complained in the dark but he tightened his arms around her slightly and Gillian settled a little more contently. "So Lewis. I'll stay at home with him tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" She sounded suddenly sleepy.
"Yep tomorrow," Cal affirmed. "Really, poor kid. He's havin' a hard time at the moment."
"I know," Gillian mused softly. "He just wants to be included."
"Workin' on it."
"You're such a good dad," she gave him one last squeeze and then fell asleep.
