Doctor:

So much for draw every sunset, my daughter had well and truly hit her teens because she was being a bit of a miserable cow and only talking to this girl Kim in Penang and Matty in Plymouth. Whom she had never actually met, and when offered to take her there, she told me that would ruin it.

Teenagers.

"TURN THE MUSIC DOWN, GALAXY!" I yelled, trying to hear myself think as I thought I heard the door knock. "NOBODY CARES IF HAYLEY WILLIAMS WANTS TO TURN IT OFF!"

It did turn down, a little, so I could open the door and look out at the funny little short man. Only caught something out of the corner of my eye. She hadn't... "Is there anything on my head?"

"Er, well, yes."

"Describe it."

He gestured on his head as the music turned off altogether and I heard heavy footsteps stomping into the console room. Well, at least she was leaving her room today. "Well, you've sort of got antlers."

You had to be kidding me. "Antlers?"

"Yes, antlers."

"Antlers! Hmm." And went back inside a moment, to yell at my spaceship, my daughter just staring at me with no clue what was going on. "You are a time-space machine. You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!" Gee flicked switch, the TARDIS making a sulky noise. "Thank you. GeeK, don't ask, but please, please, get dressed. You've been in your pjs for two weeks."'

"I wash them every 8 hours!"

"Yes, you're very clean in your depression, trying to stop me worrying, not working, so go get dressed. Jack brought you some new wigs." Which she was happy enough with and she headed off, so I went off to talk to the funny little man again. "Can I help you?"

He was looking very confused also. "Yes. Are you the surgeon?"

What was it with people getting my name wrong? "Close enough. Why?"

"Well, you know."

Clearly I didn't, or I wouldn't have asked. "I don't know."

"There's a medical emergency."

Which was when he just started to walk away from me, making me narrow my eyes at the retreated man. Right... This was a very Christmassy town, I wasn't anti Christmas per say, but I was very much anti Merry. "Will there be singing?"

"No."

Good enough for me. "Fine, then."

Then came out of the TARDIS, closing the doors behind me to follow him. Gee took about half an hour to get ready at any point, so I'd be safe to leave her for a while. "We weren't sure where you'd come down."

Eh? "Sorry?"

"In your capsule."

No one knew, she was a bit temperamental at the moment, because I was trying to update her, but Galaxy Kaster was trying to make a custom update. Apparently my daughter was winning, because she now booted up the scanner playing the Legend of Zelda chest tune. "I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you."

The little man blinked at me. "A piano?"

This was why Galaxy was supposed to be the distraction while I pushed the piano onto the lizard machine. "It's been a long day. So what's the medical emergency?"

"Didn't you read the agreement?" Never. Far too boring. But then we were just outside the village, so he pointed to the space outside the white picket fence. "There it is."

"What?"

"There. That's it."

What were you talking about? "That's what? Oh, the flying saucer. Is that new? I just assumed that my daughter had been making models again."

A door in the saucer opened, back-lighting a figure in a white fur trimmed hooded red floor-length cloak, who walked forward down the ramp to meet them. "Come on."

"Well, you took your time."

The man bowed to her, while I just stared. Had we met before? I swore that I knew that voice. "Sorry, ma'am. This is him. This is the surgeon."

Was I? I thought that I was the Doctor. "Hello."

"You don't look much like your pictures."

"Well, that's an ongoing problem for me."

The lady really wasn't happy with me, to be honest. "Doesn't look very impressive, does he? Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?"

Uh, that was a bit rude, but again, that whole thing sounded very familiar. "I've had a haircut. This is my best suit."

"It's not even a suit."

Fair point. "No, but my daughter has burned half my ties, and used the others for either cosplay for San Diego or her own shirt dress things. Do I know you?"

"You most certainly do not." But then threw back the hood, making me smile brightly at my wife. Oh, of course! Who else was it going to be? "And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me."

Uh, you killed me, wasn't likely to forget that, was I? Almost destroyed all of time trying to make you do it. "River!"

Nardole glared at me. "Oi! Doctor Song to you. Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor."

My wife was now glaring at me. "Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?"

"Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart. I had to use one to explain you to my daughter, she's back home getting dressed."

"It doesn't matter." She replied stiffly, clearly not getting it. Well, I had regenerated. "If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?"

Given that you were an archaeologist, yes. "Which alphabet?" Then I stopped smiling. "Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?"

River didn't even reply to that, turning to lead the way back into the saucer. "This way. We don't have a lot of time."

That usually seemed to be the way, yeah. "What seems to be the problem?"

"My husband."

Yeah, I was stood next to you, love. "Your husband?"

"Didn't you read my message?" No, I didn't get one from you. "'My husband, yes. My husband is dying."

I stood still then, staring at my retreating wife, so Nardole looked at me. "Something wrong?"

Just a little. I think my wife killed me again. "I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart."

We followed her into the main chamber of the saucer, where she made a big grand gesture of going inside. "Husband, I return to you."

Cloaked figures started to draw swords from scabbards slung across their backs, then returned them to their resting places. "Where is my queen?"

"Never far from you, my love."

"Ah." I was going to be sick.

Hydraulic servos moved, and letting me see a small male head where the neck should be on a huge red armoured figure lying on a table. Well, that was definitely compensating. "No, wait. That's your husband?"

I got another glared. "Listen, you are being watched by four billion people." Lots of screens in the walls around the chamber, showing people watching. "You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords, genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do. Best just stay still and keep your hands by your side."

Sorry, Doctor very, very confused. "No, wait. That's your husband?"

"My husband, your patient. King Hydroflax." When did I get the divorce papers? Fairly sure I only got them from Marilyn.

"Yes, that's who you're married to?" I asked again, really wanting to know that my wife, a woman I did honestly love and adore, hadn't decided that she didn't love me anymore. I may not have the guts to say it, but I loved River as much as I loved Libby, they were the same yet different. One worked on the Peace Committee, the other, well, she killed me. Sort of. "Not anybody else?"

"My love, attend me, woman!" Uh, you did not get to talk to her like that, she was worth far more than you were, mate.

She gave him a sarcastic glance, not that he could see and most people would think it love. "I fly to you. Is there a problem?"

Only a small one. Like the fact that I was your husband and I actually had the permission of your parents to marry you. "Right. So you don't recognise me, then?"

"Why would I recognise you?"

This was like pulling teeth. "Oh, no reason." River went to Hydroflax and caressed his armour, in a supposedly loving way as Nardole came and stood next to me, angry and crossed arms. "I don't like him. Do you like him?"

"Don't cross your arms."

Ugh, fine. "He's a lying down person. I don't like lying down people. It's so untidy. It's why I've made my daughter get up, she's been moping in bed for weeks."

"Keep your arms by your side, like she said."

I listened, reluctantly, and paid attention to what my apparent wife was telling her other husband. "My one true love. The only husband I will ever have." Oh, yeah, like that was true. Remember the Silence and how you killed me? Only Nardole nudged me and I had to uncross my arms again. "My time with you has been too short."

Her 'husband' was looking at her with adoration. "You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion."

Uh, excuse me! "Oh, oh."

"Why do you keep crossing them?"

"Because they cross, I've got cross arms. It happens when you've got a sassy daughter."

"The end is near. I feel it."

River was acting for all her worth. Well, she was very good at it, she spent a good 15 years acting like Amy and Rory's best friend, knowing full well that she was their daughter. "Forgive me, my lord. I have acted against your instructions."

This confused him. "My love?"

She kept going, raising her voice. "If you die this day, this galaxy will drown any tears. Oh, look at them, your people! They watch and hope and pray. With so much at stake, I followed my heart. I disobeyed your orders and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!"

The crowds on the screens cheered and applauded as I looked around, getting punched lightly on the arm by little Nardole. "This might be an alarming question in the circumstance, but you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?"

"Oh."

"Okay, calm down, keep it together. Don't make puddles. If you can, run back to my box and tell the girl inside to play Surgeon Sim and get here as fast as she can."

"Surgeon, attend your patient."

Nardole still just whimpered and looked worried. Oh, I could definitely do with Gee playing Surgeon Sim... "'Any tiny hint of species he might be?" He had no clue, brilliant. Looked human, but who knew what his brain was like. "Okay, never mind. You just stay there, before sneaking away to get my daughter, 'k?" Then looked at a monk next to us. "You're probably going to need a mop."

Heading over to the weird android bloke, who was apparently my wifes husband, I got stopped by my wife. "Bow."

"Sorry, what?"

"You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax. You will bow."

Not a chance. "Oh, no. I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that."

The funny little man looked like he may seriously have soiled himself by now, as River stared at me. "You what?"

"It's my back." She didn't look like she believed me. Which was good as it was really a massive lie. "Yeah, my back's playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people."

"Can you save me, Surgeon?"

Probs not, but lets give it a stab, eh? Oh, I'd been playing too many horror games with GeeK. "Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you."'

My wife, who was getting close to slapping me, was getting very peeved. "There's something in his brain."

Really? He had one? "You could have fooled me." The Robot Android thing was getting very angry, so River placated him by massaging his face vigorously. "Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry, just gallows humour." Ah, right. "Probably the wrong word."

Nardole nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I would say it is."

"My love, you must rest. The surgeon and I will discuss the procedure. Prepare, master of my life, to live anew." And planted a long sloppy kiss on his shiny, sweaty forehead. "Patience be with you all. Our King will rise again!"

Which everyone, including Nardole, chanted as she gestured for me to follow her out of the chamber. "All right, enough of this. The joke's over."

"What joke?"

"Look at me." This was really getting rather embarrassing.

"Why?"

Because you should have been able to tell by now. God, this was like pulling teeth. "I'm the Doctor."

She didn't understand. "You'd better be, you've got an operation to perform. And why do you keep talking about your daughter?" Because I had to be back to make sure she actually got dressed soon? But River just pulled up a massive hologram of the morons head. "Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline. And there's the projectile. It should have killed him straight off, but he's very strong."

That was a very strange shape. "It's not a bullet."

"It's a diamond."

Well, the rich die rich. "How did it get in there?"

"At speed." Well, obviously. Using the sonic, I looked at just how fast it must have gone, but then had to stop and stare. "Do you recognise it?"

"No!"'

"Yes."

Oh, definitely needed GeeK right now, she'd get that thing out no problem and then have to stop her mum trying to nick it. "The Halassi Androvar."

River nodded with a smile. "The very same. Hydroflax was leading a raid on the Halassi vaults. In the ensuing fire-fight, the whole thing blew up in his face, with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond in the universe lodged three inches inside his enormous head." I made the image of the diamond bigger, looking at the exact shape. "So, can you remove it?"

Maybe? The shape, it was slightly different to most diamonds, that was the problem. "It's very small. It might be difficult to manoeuvre it."

"Not the diamond. His head." I had to take the glasses off and stare at my wife. What? "Yes. I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?"

"Wouldn't that kill him?"

"You're the medical expert, but I'd say so, yes."

What happened to not killing the people you married? Or did Stormcage not release you fully rehabilitated? "Your husband?"

"Sort of." And what did that mean? "I basically married the diamond. The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I'm an archaeologist."

That was definitely not all you were, I'd known you since you were born, Melody Pond. "Slash murderer slash thief."

"An archaeologist is just a thief. With patience." And emptied a zippered bag, throwing out a red fez and a bronze plate. Well, sure, burn the fez, but that was a perfectly good plate. "Never had much of that. It'll fit in here, don't you think? I've checked it for leaks."

My wife was potentially more bonkers than I was. "Is this what you're like when I'm not-" She still had no idea who the hell I was. Glad to be memorable. "You're talking about murdering someone."

"No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone." Yeah, she was definitely crazier than me, but she was a woman. Look at Gee. "Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient. I employed you. You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive. The murder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one." Oh, what to do? I couldn't just come out and tell her, she probably wouldn't believe me, and we'd probably get ourselves killed in the escape and then we'd leave my daughter alone with the TARDIS and not much else to do but attend every single comic con in history and spend her savings account. "What's that face? Are you thinking? Stop it. You're a man, it looks weird." Oh, thanks.

"I need more information." River still didn't understand. "'For my diagnosis."'

The crazy woman just shrugged. "'He's dying. We're about to steal his head and scoop out his brains. Aren't we over-thinking?"

Uhm, no, no we weren't. "'I'll be the judge of that. I'm the Doctor."

"You know who you remind me of?"

Funnily enough... "Yes, probably a chap with a big-'

"My second wife." Only before I could complain about that, the hologram was replaced by the real head, and the monks with him drew their swords. Brilliant. "Darling! You're up and about!"

"False wife!" Basically. She'd been married to me since she was 30, you were the other man here.

She was trying to dig herself out of the hole. "How much better you're looking!"

Unfortunately, he didn't buy it. "You plan to take my head."

"Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?"

I was thrown it as Hydroflax glared at the both of us. "Perhaps you should have just asked."

Hydroflax's three-fingered right hand turned his head to the side then pulled it off its attachment and lowered it onto the table, then the body stomped two paces back. "'Well! I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom."

Ha! "You married a cyborg and you didn't even know it."

"I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt. I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.

"How dare you! I'm your wife."

"You planned to murder me!" If it was any consolation, she did murder me.

"Don't change the subject."

The man was still glaring at her. "Why are you doing this? Who are you?"'

My wife was prepared with a mini speech. I did teach her well at least. "I'm Professor River Song. You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people, and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them. You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax, and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back."

"What are you?!"

"I'm an archaeologist. Look! I've got a trowel." And pulled one form her tool belt, which whirred as it zapped the monks swords and attacked the body part of Hydroflax. "Ha, ha, ha!"

I took this time to help, by picking up the head. "Do not harm her! If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman."

He wasn't particularly bothered by me. "Ignore him. Attack!"

River kept on using her sonic trowel on the cyborg while I opened the chute on the wall. "Garbage disposal, right? Get ready to say whee!" He didn't like that. "Back off from River Song. Give the order now. Get yourself under control."

There wasn't much alternative. "Do not attack the female."

She ran to my side, grabbing the bag, and pointed her trowel at Hydroflax's head. "Nobody move, or the head gets it."

This was honestly getting very embarrassing. "Do you really have a shooty trowel?"

"It's sonic."

And it was even worse. "Sonic trowel. You realise how ridiculous that sounds?"

"Their threats are empty. Destroy them!" The Cyborg part then spoke by itself, able to tell that there was a good chance of tissue damage. "Do as you're told!"

"Decision overruled. Recommendation, chill."

I needed to get my daughter to do that. "Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own."

"More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component."

"Plus in-built flash drive and vernacular friendly interface."

"Cyber co-pilot."

"Mobile life support."

"Sexy."

Uh, excuse you, you were in enough trouble. "It's not sexy."

She wasn't bothered. "Absolutely sexy."

"Why is everything sexy now?"

Apparently that reminded her of something. "Speaking of which." And used a wrist comms on her Vortex Manipulator. "Ramone, prep for emergency extraction. Two to go."

"Standing by for teleport."

"Put it in the bag." I blinked at her. "The head. Put it in the bag." Of course the head started to argue. "Quickly, do it. Ramone, twenty seconds to jump."

Hydroflax was getting very shirty. It was his own fault, he detached the head. "I will not be placed into a bag!"

Yeah, you were going in there either way. "Stop shouting a minute if you want to go face-up."

Then dropped him in, still complaining. "Oh, zip it!" I did up the bag. "Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender. Ramone, now."

Only then we were teleported about 2 feet above the ground, so fell to the snowy ground with a bump. "Ramone! Just once, can you get the height right?"'

"Sorry, Professor."

"When I escape, I will bring terror to you and your family. There is no escape from the-"

That was hilarious. All I could see was the bag moving and an angry voice. Ha! "Home in on my signal. Get a shift on. Can you locate the Damsel?"

"I'm on it. The capsule is really close, with a life sign inside, two hearts."

River now saw that I was in hysterics. "Is something funny?"

This only made the head worse. "'Who dares laugh at Hydroflax? You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear! Let me out of this bag!"

"This is a serious mission in a critical phase. There is nothing to laugh about here."

Oh, if only Galaxy were here to see this. "We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!"

"I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!"

"I can't approve of any of this, you know, but I haven't laughed in a long time. My daughter, she was sick, her heart was failing. Even now, when she's better, her heads not right so I'm trying to look after er, but it's hard. This is the first time I've been out in a year."'

That threw her a little, looking a little sorry for me, but slightly amused by the bag as well now. "Well, good for you."

Hydro was still going. "Prepare to die in agony and submit to my supremacy! Unzip this bag!"

Now she was laughing with me, the first time I'd really, truly laughed since Clara left. Her note... Gee tried to save her, knowing full well that the Time Lords were going to lobotomise her the moment she stepped back of Gallifreyan soil, but tried anyway. She thought that she'd failed me, but she tried to do right by me in the end. Now if only I could get my so called wife to do the same. "You know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

Oh, come on, River. "Stop pretending. You know who I am."

"Who are you?"

"You know who I am. It's, it's, it's me."

Her beautiful face was still just laughing. "Great. Who are you?"

Now a dark haired beardy man came running up. Nope, no beards, I was against beards. Where was Nardole, he didn't have any hair! "Professor Song! Sorry, Professor. Sorry about the height thing."

"Prove it."

Then kissed him long and hard. Uh, excuse you! "Urgh! Doesn't it get dull after a while? As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?"

"I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone."

"Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?" That would make it three for three so far.

Ramone shook his head. "We're not actually married."

River gave a knowing smile. "Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory."

"Why?"

"Well, you were being annoying." So were you right now. "So, the Damsel. Do we have a fix?"

He shook his head. "Found the capsule just over in the village, but I can't locate Damsel. The life sign is female, and not of his genetic code that you gave me. I've looked everywhere."

Right... Who were we looking for now? "Who's Damsel?"

"Have you been thorough? It's not easy, you know. He does have twelve faces."

So he took out a wallet and a sheaf of photograph dropped down to let me look through. Yup, she was looking for me. "None of these men are here. Are you sure it's one of these?"

"'Yes! He only has these twelve faces. He'll be around here somewhere. This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline." Dammit, it ended with Dickie Bow, the last one. "That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here."

Wait a moment, what was that name again? "Damsel."

"Codename, Damsel in Distress." You had to be kidding me. "Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing."

"What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?"

River rolled her eyes. "He has limits. Well, then, let's go find him."

So they set off in front as I brought up the rear, left carrying the rather heavy head of a Cyborg monarch. "What if we can't find him? We need to get you off-world now."

"Off-world. People never say that." I laughed, looking at the moron. "Are you new?"

"We can't hang around waiting. He could be ages."

This was very true, I mean, it was taking you ages to work out who I was. "'Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation or defeating giant robot fish-"

Which was when we got to the TARDIS, music blaring again. "We'll just have to steal it."

"-From the ninth dimension." Hold the phone. "Sorry, what?"

"The hopper is really close. We would be out of here in less than ten minutes."

River was adamant though. "I need time travel. I need this TARDIS."

This was not happening. "I'm sorry. The word steal. Somebody said steal."

"Yes. We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand."

Yes I bloody well would! My daughter was in there! "You can't. There's someone inside! You can't just steal a TA. A box."

"Why not?"

"Look, it says Police. There's someone inside listening to Ed Sheeran." There was a strange musician, why did he have ketchup tattooed on himself and cat called Dorito? And why did I know all this?

Only she just produced a Yale key to open the door. Of course Amy left the key to her, I knew that one anywhere. "I have a key."

This was really not going end well. "Okay. This er Damsel person. He sounds, he sounds pretty dangerous. Ish. And the girl inside could be too." She definitely would be, if she was in the shower still, the hot water would go cold went you went into flight.

My wife shrugged again. "It's a time machine. I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like and pop it back a second later. He'll never know it was gone. Plus, most companions never notice, Sarah Jane never did, nor Martha."

I would be having a word with both of them. "Yes, he will, and how do you know that this one is a companion?"

"Well, he's never noticed before. And all the girls in the TARDIS have been companions."

Romana, your mother and Gee were going to slap you. "Maybe he'll notice now."

That only made her laugh, before kissing her other so called husband. "I'll see you on Temple Beach. I've already picked out your swimwear."

"Okay, but be careful."

Which offended her. Good girl. "Absolutely not. You, with me. Bring the head." What else was I going to do with it?

"Please, look after her for me."

Ramone started to walk away as Drunk stopped blaring from my box, before stopping as River stuck her head back out. "Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as snug as it looks."

Oh, my God.

Yes!

"Finally." The other man frowned at me. "It's my go." Then went inside, pretending to marvel at the interior of my home. "Oh. My, God! Oh, it's bigger!"

"Well, yes."

"On the inside,-"

"We need to concentrate."'

"-Than it is-"'

"I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down."

"On the outside!"

"You've certainly grasped the essentials."

Well, no duh, River, it was my TARDIS, you were just taking a small millennia to catch up. "My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever."

At which point my daughter appeared, holding a gun and moved so fast to hold it to River's head that neither of us could stop her. Apparently, she'd been playing Infamous: Second Son again, because it was with bright blue neon. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in the TARDIS?"

"She's my mother, my second mother. My name is River Song, the Doctor may have mentioned me." She replied quickly, knowing that she had no idea on how to get out of the hold she was in. My daughter was nothing if not good at self defence. "I'm borrowing the TARDIS, I'm allowed to do so."

She looked at me, went to open her mouth but I gave her a quick cut throat no motion so she didn't blow my cover. Luckily, she understood. "You're is wife?"

"Yes. Yes, that's me. Care to take the gun away?"

Gee looked like she had forgotten she was holding it. "Oh, this? Yeah, it's a prop. Some random gave it to me for a kiss at a convention the other week. Not real. Sorry, but you never know who people are when they randomly turn up and you're in your underwear. Nice to meet you, River, I'm Galaxy Kasterborous." Now my wife was staring at her. "What?"

"You're his daughter."

"Well noticed." Then went down the stairs, her red wig very dark compared to her usual blonde. "Want a drink? He's not here, so I get to do what I want."

River laughed now, following her as I watched carefully. What the hell was my daughter up to? "You found where I keep Aldebaran brandy. Help yourself, but don't tell your Dad. He doesn't exactly like booze. How did you get off Gallifrey?"

Gee winked. "Story for another time, because I'm more curious about the other random who is holding a beeping bag that has brainwaves coming from it."

Oh, good point. Hydroflax was now unconscious, so it was a half simpler life without him yelling at us. "It seems to have powered down, conserving batteries. It's an in-built life-support system. I'm not sure what powers it, but-"

"I really don't care. What's that noise? My head already hurts, and that is not helping me."

"I don't know. A signal? Distress call?"

My wife and daughter spoke together. "Homing beacon."

Most likely. "Possibly."

"So the rest of him is coming?"

"Rest of who? GeeK very confused right now, because GeeK hasn't left the TARDIS in a while."

We weren't looking at her, which was making her annoyed. She was either sad, angry or flirty recently, there was no inbetween. "He must be very cross. He's lost his head."

"Time we were off, then."

River activated the time engines, which briefly juddered then make sick noises. Really? "You're doing it wrong."

She gave me an affronted look. "I am certainly not."

Yes, you certainly were. "Not those levers." She tried to hush me. "You probably want to press that button."

"Moron, that is literally just going to empty deck 7s waste tanks, next to my art studio." Galaxy! "My dad does it all the time, he's a moron. My mum taught me how to fly her TARDIS, and there is something interfering with this. It shouldn't be possible."

Oh... I had it. "Maybe." They were both looking at me. My daughter was grounded, she was teaming up against me with her stepmum. "Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves. Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards. For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time?"

River understood. "Head and body."

Yes. "Which would mean, and again, I'm just, I'm just wildly theorising here, that's the door would not engage properly."

"It can't seal the real-time envelope." Galaxy had clearly gone into my head to learn what was happening, reminding me that I needed to put my walls back up. It was almost Christmas, I didn't want her to know I got her a Switch with Breath of the Wild. "Hence it can't take off. Not when someone is in and out at the same time. I did that with Jack once, he blew up and I accidentally left one of his hands outside because I didn't see it."

"You're a very strange young lady."

"Well noticed. I'm the Terror/Artist, depending on what mood I'm in, and if I ever feel like painting." She shrugged, fixing her hat and wig. I knew they would get on far too well for Stepmother and Daughter. But then she grabbed the head from the bag, holding it by the hair like a shrunken head or something. "It's signalling. We have to assume the body is homing in on this."

"So, how do we stop it?"

Oh, I could not resist. "Well, we could chop its head off. Oh, look."

River glared at me, while GeeK just looked embarrassed. "'Does sarcasm help?"

I wished, my life would be far simpler. "Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?"

"So, summing up. It's coming, we can't take off, we can't seal the doors." I agreed with my daughter. "So we just kill the head, right?"

Then aimed the scanner at the head in her hand, the heat ray clearly turned back on. "You can't shoot the head in the face!"'

"Why not? This is Hydroflax, right? He's tried to hit on me before, very embarrassing." Then yelped and dropped him as he woke up and made a noise. "Fucking bustard. Watch it mate or I'll use you as a football."

Wouldn't be the first time to be honest. "Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up."'

"Do not fire if you value your lives."

Gee was still going to fire, so I had to take it off her. Clara really held her together... "Why, what are you going to do?"

"Kill me, and my body will burn."

"Burn baby burn, disco inferno? I think he means the planet." Gee sighed, rubbing her eyes wearily. "And I also know that he at least believes it."

Which made River lift up the head and put it on the console so he could grin at us. "Suppose we believe you. How?"

This was something he was revelling in. "My body contains a split quantum actualiser."

I did not like this at all. "A perpetually stabilised black hole. That's your power source."

My wife blinked at me. "What sort of medical school did you go to? I understand my stepdaughter being smart, her dad is Damsel." Galaxy Kaster snorted at that. "Like it?"

"Oh yeah. And its probably a really good one for Doctors."

Thank you, love. "Exactly."

"It's more than a power source. If necessary, a bomb."

My daughter folded her arms. "So you could wipe out this solar system."

"It wouldn't be the first."

"It would be your last."

"A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax. And the daughter of the great Mistress."

Gee put her finger up at him. "Piss of, knob breath. Why haven't you threatened this before?"

He would have shrugged if he had shoulders. "A king does not endanger his people for no reason."

You were no king to us. "You're endangering them now."

"'I'm cross."

"Can I-"

River and I both knew what she was going to say. "No!"

Then banging came to the TARDIS door, Ramones voice coming through. "Doctor Song, are you there? I have a message for you."

"Ramone! Get in here!" Only it was the Cyborg that kicked the doors open. "Ah!"

"You're going to die!"

It stomped inside and grabbed River, lifting her off the floor. "Hey! Oh, I wish I played fucking Biohazard!" Galaxy grumbled, using her new Neon power to try and beat up the Cyborg. "Balls to it."

Hydroflax was rooting for his Cyborg part. "Kill the females."

Not a chance. "Put her down. Gee, come on!"

"Close the fucking doors, moron!" She yelled, before climbing on top of the Cyborg to try hacking it instead. "Let go of Mummy No'5! Stupid sentient tech!"

I dodged past the Cyborg and closed the TARDIS doors, letting the time engines start shake us around before my daughter got the arm to drop River. "Stop them! Stop them!"

"Where are we going?"

"Anywhere but here!" She snapped, grabbing her bag before my arm. "Get the hell out!"

Not just yet dear, mummy and daddy were talking. "You set the coordinates, River. Where for?"

Neither of them were listening to me. "'Just get the damn head!" Then threw me the bag, letting me scoop up the head, then throw it back to her. "With me. Come on, Galaxy, your dad will kill me if I let you get hurt."

Then pulled us both out by the hand, my daughter listening to her. Why did she always listen to her mothers and never to her father? "Where are we?"

"This way, come on."

"What about the box?" I asked, pointing back at the TARDIS. "Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me."

She gave me a withering look. "Hush now."

I was not going to hush! "Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person."

Then lead us out into a marble floored place with aliens in dinner jackets and posh frocks. Two long staircases ran up the outer hull to the upper decks, River turning and closes the doors behind them. "Oh, I remember this place."

"You've been here before?"

Galaxy nodded at River. "Yeah, with my mum, Missy. Another long story, I'll explain later."'

At which point an upright biped with blue scales and a pair of catfish-like barbels walks up to them. "Ah, Doctor Song. Your table is ready. And Miss Masters, how pleasant to see you once again." Her last name was Pratchett.

"Flemming!" My wife smiled brightly. "How are the twins?"

"Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking."

River gave him a forced smile, though I only knew that because Gee muttered it in my head. "I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony."'

He nodded. "Oh, there were tears. And just a hint of screaming." I'll bet.

Galaxy gave him a smile now, her eyes darkening like her mothers. "Er, Flemming, I wonder, could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?"

"It's a little irregular. The other passengers might want access."

"Do you remember that time my mother and I were transporting dragon eggs?"'

Apparently that was enough. "Consider it done." The light by the door lock turned from green to red with a clunk. "Is the gentleman here for dinner?"

What else was I here for? "Yes, he is."

"Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately."

Wrong context of here for dinner. "No, you won't."

Both of the girls were trying to defuse that. "Er, he will in fact be joining us to eat. Charge it to my mothers account, it's a Christmas present for me."'

Flemming was still looking me up and down. "I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required. This way. Oh, may I take your bags?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no. That's fine, thanks."

"You know my bag always stays with me." That was true. A coat attendant tried to take it once and she decked them.

Only Hydroflax had now decided that he was going to speak up. "Sorry. It was my stomach. I have an irritable bowel." It was the usual stuff, merciless revenge, devouring us, the works. "It's having a day."

He didn't look like he bought it, but went with it anyway. "This way."

River then thrust the bag at me again with a smile. "I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up." Then squirted something on herself, golden energy doing a thing with her hair and her dress changed into a silver sequinned bodice. "Not bad for two hundred, eh?" Wait, what? How old was she now? "I have an augmented lifespan. Long story."

"Mind if I borrow that?" My daughter asked, taking off the wig and hat quickly, shoving it in the bag.

"Go for it. It dresses you to the place, it would be nice to see what you end up in."

So she then squirted herself as well, her jeans and jumper becoming a beautiful galaxy print halterneck dress that went to her knees and a pair of silver stilettos. "I'm literally wearing my name. Fuck sake, I was hoping for something Amy Lee style."

We were both thinking that she looked lovely though, long blonde hair straight around her face. "This suits you." I told her, getting a shy smile from her before we were shown through into the dining room. "So, what's the occasion?"

"I've got the diamond. Now it's time to sell it."

Uh, that didn't belong to anyone but the planet it was taken from. "I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?"

That just made her roll her eyes. "Tell me, were you born boring, or did you have to work at it?"

Gee, who had somehow found a glass of champagne, raised a pale blonde eyebrow. "Where did you find a buyer?"

"Look around you. The starship Harmony And Redemption, minimum ticket price one billion credits, plus the provable murder of multiple innocent life forms. Suites are reserved for planet-burners. I think your mother owns the majority of the penthouse, including the Galaxy Suite, named after yourself, I believe." Then took a glass of wine from a waiter herself. "Thank you. Even the staff are required to have a verifiable history of indiscriminate slaughter. This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax. Do try the fish."

Galaxy smiled at that, drinking the alcoholic beverage, something I couldn't complain at now, not since her two hearts were perfectly compatible with her system. But she started to play her PS Vita while River read. Which I frowned at, because surely she knew that we were on a time limit here. "Why are you frowning?"

Neither of you were paying attention! How were you already speaking in unison?! "How did you know?"

"It's audible." Thanks.

"Deadlock seals can be broken."

River rolled her eyes. "By geniuses. Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea and it's currently under the table." Then kicked the bag for good measure. "He's gone back to sleep, I think."

Yeah, still with you. "You married him, though."

My daughter snorted on her drink, coughing to the side in shock. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I told you, I married the diamond. Don't worry, Galaxy Kaster."

"I've never done as I'm told. How?"

She shrugged at her stepdaughter. "I posed as his nurse. Took me a week."

Was that all? "To fall in love?"

That book... The diary was in her hand... "It's the easiest lie you can tell a man. They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of. From what I've heard, the great Terror has done it many a time to get what she wanted. Something tells me that this time the mother learned from the daughter."

Galaxy now looked between us, uncomfortable in her lovely frock. "River, there's er, there's something I should probably tell you, about my dad-"

Only a humanoid waitress came over. "Doctor Song, your guest has docked. He should be with you in a very few minutes."

"Thank you. Whenever he's ready."

"Of course."

Gee put her scanner and PS Vita on the table then, looking at the deep blue book. I hadn't told her about that, about everything we'd done or the diaries we had. River knew everything about me, I'd told her it all, even about her, and chances were, it was written down in there. "What's the book?"

She smiled like it was some big secret. We all knew what it was, but none of us knew what was inside it. "Oh, it's my diary." Then channelled Oscar Wilde. "One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship."

But my daughter was incredible at knowing people, when she wanted to. Hypnosis and mind control, in the hands of the right person, could do more help than harm. "Is it sad?"

"Why would a diary be sad?"

"Because you're looking at it and you're sad, Mother No'5."

"It's nearly full." Galaxy didn't understand, I hadn't told her anything. I never expected them to actually get the chance to meet. "When your dad gave me this, he was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need." Her hand went to her mouth in shock, working it out. "Don't tell him anything, please. You know, I used to listen to stories of his when I stayed with him, on those rare, wonderful nights. Stories of how much he loved his two beautiful children, Tyler and Galaxy Kaster. It made me jealous. He had children and I never got the chance to."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Now that I know I have a stepdaughter, I'm going to have to make sure I spend as much time with you as possible." She smiled brightly, eyes twinkling with both happy and sad tears as she put the diary back into her clutch purse. "Your dad is pretty special, and terribly useful every now and then."

River, there was no one more special in the universe to me than you and my daughter. I was nothing without the two of you. But you were still in a lot of trouble after this, because of your apparent many husbands. "So, who is this buyer?"

She shrugged. Everyone did that a lot, didn't they? "No idea, he just responded to the advert."

A shadow fell across the table table then, a bald man with a diagonal scar running around his face from the back of his skull, round across the right temple to below his left cheek bone standing over us. His voice was a pony. Wait, no, it was a little hoarse, always got those confused. "Which of you is Song?"

My daughter raised her eyebrows, blue Neon glowing in her palms. "Who wants to know? Isn't Mufasa in need of throwing off a cliff?" Oh, I got that one! Because, because he had a scar!

"I am Scratch."

"Don't need your name." River informed him sternly. "Are you empowered to purchase?"

Scratch bowed his head slightly. "I represent the Shoal of the Winter Harmony."

Again, it was too much information for my Bounty Hunter wife. "Don't care. Don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?"

There was something else that he could definitely do. "And could you either sit down or fetch us the wine list or something?"

So he chose sitting, my daughter keeping her dark blue eyes trained on him. "You have the diamond?"

"Of course I have the diamond. Show us the money."

Scratch ran his finger along his scar and something unlocked. Then he pulled his head open with a squelch. Charming. "Just a thought, you probably shouldn't do that in a restaurant. Gee looks a bit sick." Then she kicked me. "Ow!"

He removed a metal globe from the grey contents of his skull, and placed it in the napkin River held out, thin strands of gunk still attached to it, then close up his head again. "Once instructed, this will transfer the necessary funds to whatever account you choose." They thanked him. Apparently, this had become a new team of River and Galaxy, and I was only here to carry things. "The diamond."'

River put the bag on the table. "You're going to have to dig for it a bit, but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you."

"Is this a deception?"

Galaxy got to her feet with him, the air in the room turning to jelly as she exercised her power on him. "No. The diamond is in there. This is a public place, there won't be any tricks. Now sit back down or I will close this deal early. I don't care about my name being known, I'm Galaxy Kasterborous Masters. I believe you know my mother?"

"This is not a public place, Hell Spawn."

All the other diners were his kind as well. "Block booking. That's clever. Sit down, Miss Masters."

She didn't listen as River tried to defuse the situation. "You needn't have bothered. I've brought what you want. I have also taken precautions, and please don't do anything that might make us cross and kill you."

"Statement accepted." And he sat back down. "The diamond is here?"

The other diners all hissed, my daughter reluctantly sitting and keeping her hand near to her scanner. "The payment, then."

My wife handed the globe to Scratch again, who opened it and tapped various illuminated buttons. "One hundred billion credits, as we agreed." Then passed it back to River, who checked it. "This accesses all the banks in the galaxy."

River pulled down Galaxy's hand as she went to ask why she was mentioned, and kept going. My daughter was getting restless, she could tell she was outnumbered and wanted to get out and plan revenge. "Thank you. Here you go, then. You may need to use a spoon or knitting needle or something."

"Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves." Neither of them cared. "We do it in honour of our distant and loving King, who once visited our world in blood and joy."

GeeK gave a crude smile. "Well, isn't that lovely?"

Only the fan was really blowing horrible stuff as they started to unzip the bag. "We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name, Hydroflax." They all chorused it as we paused. "For love of thee, we do this thing today. Hydroflax." They all stood and chanted it, River zipping up the bag again. "Give it. Give us the treasure." We didn't move, but GeeK had moved her hand ever so slightly closer to the thing. "What is wrong?"

"Er, well, er. Awkward."

"Why do you delay? We have paid, we will receive."

I stood up quickly and took the bag. "Yes, you will. Of, by jingo, you will, yes, of course. But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some-"

"Things."

Yes, I knew the word I wanted to say, River, no need to speak for me. "Things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you. If we don't check the thing, then the, the-"

They were getting impatient as I tried to think of a way out. "We will receive!"

Think think think... "Yes, you will receive, and here it is. Now, on its way, over this small distance."

"We will receive!"

Giving him the bag, I just hoped for a quick escape. "Here you go. And you can have the bag as well."

River got my plan. "You know, it's been lovely, but er, we don't want to intrude on this special moment, so why don't we just leave you with the new baby?"

"You will remain." Bugger.

"Is that strictly necessary?"

"I do not like surprises."

Neither did I, but look how well today was going. "Well, it's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy."

Scratch started to unzip the bag, when two blue Neon hands darted out quickly to grab it back. "You know what? I just can't stand idly by and let this continue." Then stood on the chair. "Death has been done this day! Noble blood has been spilled, and our tears will surely follow. The sky shall crack, the ground shall heave, and even the rocks and the stones shall weep their rage. Behold! The head of Hydroflax!" Then held up the head by the hair again, a witch performing a spell.

"Rest now, sweet prince. Walk amongst us nevermore. Shall we start the bidding at two hundred billion? I'm sorry, Mummy No'5, whatever your name is, but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout." What the hell was she doing? "And shall we find out who is the most truly devout?"

"This is heresy!"

Had you not met my daughter? The Hybrid and Heretic? The one that could also control even the most powerful hive mind when she was angry enough? "Two hundred over there." River cried, pointing at a man who had raised his hand, my daughter controlling him.

"Two hundred fifty million by the sweet trolley."

She had moved on to another woman, before Scratch got very angry. "Silence! This is not our way."

"Well, it doesn't say much for your king if you can't put a price on his head." I informed him, lifting my daughter down from the chair. "Let us see what the king himself has to say."

Then jabbed a knife into his left ear before the man woke up and screamed, all of the diners freaking out. "Quick!"

River grabbed both of our hands and pulled us for the exit, my daughter clutching at her things as she struggled to keep up in the heels. But Flemming was blocking the exit. "Professor Song, Miss Masters! Has the food disappointed you?"

The Cyborg stomped in, and the diners screamed and fled. River pulled GeeK out of the way, making me happy that she was putting her first, but we were grabbed by security men wearing black berets. "At last, I am whole again. Come to me, my body." Only the Cyborg scanned Hydroflax first. "Well? Put me back."

"Scan in progress."

"You don't need to scan me, just put me back."

The scan didn't come back positive. "Tissue deterioration now irreversible."

Hydroflax was now a little lost. "Well, what are you going to do about that?"'

"Additional, the projectile inside your brain continues to move. Prognosis, death in seven minutes."

He did know what that meant. "Well, I refuse. King Hydroflax does not accept death."

"Orders requested."

"Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now."

"Orders accepted. You need a new head."

That was clearly not the answer he was hoping for. "No! No. Not a new head!"

"Orders implementing." Then shot the head into dry dark grey dust, showing the diamond.

River looked to a security man. "I don't suppose you could fetch that over for me, could you?"

"As I was saying, your Majesty. Well, your remaining Majesty." Flemming smiled, snatching both GeeK's scanner and River's diary. They both held the biggest secrets in the universe, about the Mistress and myself. "If it's a new head you're after, this is the guide to the very best."

Both of them were now fighting, my daughter furious but they had wrapped something around her eyes. "Don't touch that. Give that back to me. She won't come if you call her through that, she'll talk to me directly instead!"

"The diary of River Song, and the Hard Drive of Galaxy Kasterborous Masters. The ultimate guide to the Time Lord's known as the Doctor, and Missy."

"Don't you dare touch those! My mother will rip you apart if you damage those, all of me is backed up on there, my personality, my memories, everything!"

Flemming just offered them both to the Cyborg. "'Long live the King." Only then started to read the diary. Our time together laid bare. "The Pandorica Opens. Ooh, that sounds exciting. And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard. Some people really know how to snack, don't they?"

River was glaring at him, Galaxy utterly lost without her device. It literally did hold her on it, in case her hearts relapsed, or her partly human brain started forgetting. "You should know we have a significant history of escaping."

He wasn't listening. "The Crash of the Byzantium. Didn't they make a movie of that?"

"'And when I do, I'm going to rip your bones out through your skin in the order in which they are formed during the gestation of your species,-"'

"Oh, Jim the Fish!" Flemming laughed. "Well, we all know Jim the Fish."

The room was getting icy as my daughter got even angrier. "Then perform acupuncture with them in all of your worst pressure points until you are begging me for death. But I'll just leave you in so much pain and the longer you spend reading my stepmothers diary, the longer I'm going to take."

"And you've just been to Manhattan. What planet is that?"

"So do, please, keep going."

The Cyborg was getting impatient. "This is irrelevant."

Scratch was still here. "If I may intrude, your Majesty. The Doctor and Missy are legendary being of remarkable power and an infinite number of faces. But the Doctor, his head, I assure you, would be your crowning achievement."

"Mum is going to love hearing that." I'd bet she would.

Flemming tapped on the Cyborg's armour to get its attention back. "'Besides which, many of us on this ship would be happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck. The Mistress is a rather good patron of this fine ship."

"Proceed faster, or your head will be taken!"

"This woman is the known consort of the Doctor. She is the daughter of the Mistress, the Doctor's nemesis."

"Confirmation required. Uploading."

Nardole's head then rose out of the Cyborg's body, shaking and blinking in the light. "Ooo. Oh!"

It didn't give him any time to adjust. "'Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor? Is Galaxy Kasterborous Masters the daughter of the Mistress?"

"Huh? I think so, yeah. GeeK definitely is, she's helped me before." Oh, really? I did need to talk to her about a lot of this. "Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there." His head was lowered again though. "Oh! Oh, it's awful!"

"So, where is the Doctor now?"

"I haven't the faintest idea. Not even GeeK does and she was adopted by him as a baby."

My daughter was biting at her lip, wanting to speak but I was silently begging her not to right now. "Is that credible?"

My wife shrugged. "It's true."

"You're the woman he loves."

"No, I'm not."

"'She's lying."'

River was getting gaped at by Galaxy, and somehow I knew she thought she was telling the truth. "The Doctor does not and has never loved me. He never even told me his daughter was alive. I'm not lying."

The Cyborg scanned her. "Confirmed. The life form is not lying."

Flemming was now in shock. "Impossible. This is a trick."'

"No, it isn't." Galaxy Kaster was now... Did she have tears running down her face?

"My information is correct. You are the woman who loves the Doctor."

Now she nodded, closer to my daughter so she got to wrap an arm around her. "Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor. He doesn't go around falling in love with people. He left his daughter all alone in the TARDIS when she just wants him to sit with her and play video games until she can actually fall asleep, how is that really loving someone? And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, to love, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with." She never asked... I thought she just wanted me to leave her alone.

Flemming could see that he was losing his leverage on the monarch. "Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait. When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come. Failing that, Missy."

River was getting angry now. "Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't. He doesn't even know where Galaxy is."

"He's probably already here." Score one for Flemming, talking over my complaining wife as Gee was looking in my general direction. I would wait for my queue, thank you very much.

"Possibly on this ship."

"Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you?" Well, that would ruin my surprise so best try and get her attention. Not that she wanted to give it to me. "Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him."

"River."

"Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here." She insisted as Galaxy Kaster started to laugh hysterically. "God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that, so long as I keep his daughter safe, because I already love her like she's my own."

Oh, I knew you would... "River."

"When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves." My wife continued. "You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me! If he came right now, he would kill me himself for putting his daughter at risk."

Only then she finally caught my eye and I smiled. So the penny, at long last, hit the floor.

"Hello, sweetie."

"You are so doing those roots."

I'm sorry, but it was my turn to do the puns here, Sweetie. "What, the roots of the sunset?"

Those sassy silver eyes narrowed at me. "Don't you dare."

Oh, I dared alright. "I'll have to check with the stars themselves."

"Oh, shut up. I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off, your daughter was scared."

"Who said anything about scared?" Gee muttered, still blindfolded, but just angry now. Wow, she even had me fooled. "Crying girls in dresses always get the benefit of the doubt."

We had lost our so called captors. "What is this conversation? Explain." Was it me or did that sound a little bit like a Dalek?

A shot of blue Neon was thrown at him. "You keep out of this."

"We need to get to work." I told the girls. Oh, my Girls... Clara and Galaxy...

"Okay, what have you got?"

My daughter held out the PS Vita. I was wondering how she still had the Neon if she was playing a different game, given that you couldn't play Infamous on there. "Four exits. Two concealed, one in the ceiling."

"There's also one in the floor."

River, there was a floor/ceiling in the way, they'd notice if we tried to blow it up. "No, I don't like it."

"Too close to the engine ducts?"

That too. "A bit too tight."

I got a shove for that. "Oh, I hope you're not being personal. She is only my stepdaughter afterall."

"Excuse me, what are you talking about?"

"Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy talking to the baby."

"Oi!"

A clock chimed the hour though, stopping her protests further. "There we are. Two o'clock. Here we go."

The Cyborg had enough. "Cease this conversation."

"Darling Galaxy Kasterborous, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?"

She paused for a moment, clearly getting her bearings by using other people around the ship, before looking in her general direction. "Exactly here, I should think. Guessing that isn't a coincidence, Mummy No'5?"

Oh, what was going on? The ship was starting to rumble in, you guessed it, the lower starboard decks. "Your escape plan."

She shrugged with a smile. "It's cheaper than a taxi."

"What meteor strike?"

Just as the computer told us it was imminent. Brilliant. "That meteor strike."

"How could you know?"

Because she was my amazing wife. "I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up." The entire ship shuddered. "See you in four hundred years."

The floor then gave way below us, and we dropped into a reception area. "Well, that certainly is one way to travel. Oh, I hate crocodile tears, it always makes my make up run."

"I had this book." River was laughing, leaning on me to stay upright in her tall heels. "History's Finest Exploding Restaurants. The best food for free. Skip the coffee."

"I want coffee now, thanks."

We both just ignored the teenager in favour of me grinning at my wife. "What do you think, by the way?" She just looked at me. "My new body."

"Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face." Oh, that was definitely sexy, but I didn't mind. "How have you got a new one, by the way? Aren't there rules? And how did you find Galaxy Kasterborous?"

Far too long a story when the ship was going all explodey wodey. "A thing happened."

She was still laughing. "I bet it probably did."

We were told to abandom ship before another boom shook something small and sparkly down towards us, so River caught it in. Well. I'm not sure what to call it, there was a child present. "The diamond?"

She winked, my daughter doing something on her Vita. "Good, aren't I?"

"I'm not sure good's the word. Aren't stepmothers supposed to be wicked?"

Gee rolled her eyes. "Better not be. According to this, being River Songs stepdaughter boosts me up 4 places in the universal desirable list. I'm now only 3 below Felicia Day."

As entertaining as that conversation would be, there were more pressing matters. "We need to get this ship stabilised. Where's the bridge?"

"This way."' River informed us, starting to head in that direction.

Only the Cyborg dropped down as well. "We also need to stop that."

My daughter was ready for that, blue Neon blazing. "Toss for it."

Not a chance, you were far too reckless right now. "I'll take the robot, you drive." They agreed and headed off. "Oh, don't stop for strangers."

They both rolled their eyes. "Look who's talking. Come on, Sweetie."

Then left, leaving me alone with the screaming people and the stupid Cyborg. "What's the point? It's over."

"I will take your head." Why, you wouldn't get further a'head' in life. "What for? We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know if I can save it. You just shot your own king in your own face. You'd get beheaded if you had one."

"I will take yours. King Hydroflax will live again."

The ship started shaking, people freaking the flip out, before I jumped to catch the money globe. Perfect. "Do you know what you need? Do you know what any decent headless king needs? Money. This connects every bank to every other bank in this galaxy. Right here in my hand, all the money you can eat."

"Demonstrate."

Taking sweets from a baby. "With pleasure." The Cyborg leaned forward and let me place the globe on its neck connector. Sparks started flying from it on impacy, making me laugh. "Welcome to all the best firewalls in the galaxy. Nothing is protected like money. Every stock market within a light year is arguing in your head."

"I do not understand."

"Ha ha! That's the way it is for most people." I replied, before grabbing the scanner and the diary, on the floor near me and the Concierge. "He had a bad day on the market." Only had to go back and apologise. This was not going well. "Sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't help saying it."

Then ran up the stairs towards the girls, finding them in the bridge. Galaxy was doing what I do, cables around her neck, her tools in her mouth and doing a bit of everything and River was using the trowel. That was far more embarrassing, I had to put a stop to it. "Where's everyone else?"

Galaxy Kaster was inside a control panel. Well, half of her was, her legs were all that wasn't. "They ran for it. So should we."

"We need to get the navcom back online." I told her, starting to help with the screwdriver. "And re-route the thrusters."

"We're trying."

Again we were told to abandon ship, so I got started to giving my wife the third degree. "So, King Hydroflax?"

That made her glare at me. "Oh, how many times? I married the diamond."

"So you say."

"Elizabeth the First."

Married her by accident. "Ramone."

"Marilyn Monroe."

Very much an accident. "Stephen Fry."

"Cleopatra!"

You could not complain about that, it was a three way marriage! "Same thing."

"Is now a good time to say that I married Tom Hiddleston in Vegas once?"

"WHAT?!"

Galaxy blinked at us. "You've all been married like 5 times each! Don't have a go at me!"

I blinked at them both before sitting on the command seat to try and stop it. River, River was getting distracted by the scenery. "Hang on a minute. I recognise that planet."

"Well, that's nice, StepMummy." My daughter called from her control panel. "Maybe they'll name the crater after us."

"That's Darillium!"

No. Please, please, no, they'd only just met, they were such good friends... "Always good to know where we're going. Could you concentrate on your work, please?"

"You know, the Singing Towers."

You mean the things we saw on our last ever night together? Yes, yes I did. Oh, my best suit and my haircut... So long ago in the library, the last time she'd seen me. My River. "Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past."

She wasn't dropping it though. "You always say you're going to take me there for dinner and then you always cancel at the last minute."

Funny story there, love. "I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible."

Then the whole ship shook again, throwing my daughter out of the panel with a snap of a heel. It was far too dangerous here for the both of them, so I started my own evacuation, sonicing a console. "What are you doing? That's the internal teleport."

"Yes. I can use the power cell to boost the thrusters." That was news to them as I held out two ends of the blue cables. "Hold this, quickly."

"Well, I don't see what good this will do."

Keep you both safe. "Sorry, River, GeeK. Crashing spaceships, that's my job."

They both realised at the same time. "You-" Fill in the blanks, because that's what I had to do.

Once they were safely away, I started to really rush around, trying to do both my job and what my daughter had been doing. Seriously, it was hard to tell, she was doing a lot. "More power. You can do it, you can do it." Only then the TARDIS materialised around me. "No, girls, no, no, no, no!" And followed them both out of the doors right away. "Get back in the TARDIS! This is my job!"

"This is my job!"

"This is what you raised me to do!"

Stop arguing! "I've been doing it longer."

"I do it better."

"My body is designed to do it better than both of you."

This was the problem with women. "River, my Galaxy Kaser, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you two." Hang on, did I just say that to her face?

River looked shocked a moment. "Or you." Wait, did she say that back?

"Surface impact in ten, nine, eight-"

The forward window glass was breaking as the ground rushed to meet us. "Teensy bit close."

Maybe a bit too close... "Yeah, sort of."

"Darling and Lovely, shall we pop back indoors?"

Galaxy nodded quickly. "Yeah, good idea."

Only the impact sent us flying across the room, knocking us all out. I came too first, seeing River around my daughter, having tried to protect her from hurting herself so I checked her pulse, before GeeK's too. Both of them strong and incredible, like I'd expected. "Indestructible as ever." And picked up the small gem, smiling at it softly. "Married the diamond. How the hell did you marry Tom Hiddleston, Dumpling?"

I looked out of the TARDIS door at the burning wreckage, then closed it again to jump us forward in time a little, letting me go outside again. The wreckage was still smoking gently, a man in a hard hat running over from where he had been wandering through it. "Hello? Sir. The ship, it came down. Did you see it?"

Funnily enough, it was hard to miss from the inside. "Yes, I did."

"I've been searching for survivors."

"I doubt if you'd find any."' I told him softly. "And I don't think any of them would be worth it, if that's a comfort. Brave of you to try, though. Well done."

He bowed his head a little. "Thank you, sir."

Two tall pillars of stone stood proud of the flat landscape, something I thought that my daughter would love, but I hoped I would never take my wife to see. "Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir, but it's just the wind."

Nothing was ever the wind. "The Singing Towers of Darillium. Here we are at last." He didn't understand, so I changed the subject. "You know what? They should build a restaurant right here, with a view of those towers. You could make a lot of money that way. You should do that."

"You'd need a lot of money to begin with, sir."

Easily remedied, the diamond needed someone to take it home. "The Halassi Androvar. I think you'll find that the reward is pretty substantial." Then dropped it into his hand. "Restaurant!" Then went back into the TARDIS and moved forward to when the establishment was open, the girls still asleep, meaning I could make a booking. "'Excuse me, um, I'd like a table on the balcony with a view of the towers."

"I'm sorry, sir. The first available slot I have is Christmas Day in four years' time."

You say that like it's a problem? Every Christmas was last Christmas, after all. "Not a problem."

I moved forward again, setting things up for them, before coming out to see my wife flirting with another of her husbands, my daughter now in a pair of black skinny jeans and a hooded dress thing in purple and blue. "So, Ramone, you have a metal body now."

Please stop, I was right here. "Down, girl."

"Dad, how the hell did you manage to put that thing on without strangling yourself lke last time?"

River was very surprised by new suit and tie though. "'Now that, my dear, is a suit."

Thought you'd like it, and I knew your gift would be appreciated. "Happy Christmas."

"Really? I don't think you've ever given me a present before." And opened the box to reveal the sonic. I made it just the same as the one from the library, only with a Galaxy Kaster twist. It made the Legend of Zelda chest noise when it unlocked things. "Oh, it's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!"

"When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing, but, look." And demonstrated it, scanning her and linking her life to the data drive. I Saved her. "Gee, yours is on the table, stop looking pouty."

"Oh, thank you." River beamed at me, kissing both my cheeks. She smelt lovely, like vanilla and spice. She was a spicy lady.

"You look, er, amazing."

GeeK rolled her eyes, eyes rimmed in silver and blue. "Daddy, you have no idea whether she looks amazing or not."

Um... "Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?"'

"Well done. It's very sweet of you to try."

Then looked at the view ahead of us, my daughter no longer interested in the half open present she had and was leaning over the rail to stare at the pillars with the sun setting behind them. "So what do you think? The Singing Towers."

Both of them were just entranced. "Oh. The music. Listen to it." Why did this have to be the end? I wanted it to be the beginning, but every storybook closed. "Are you crying?"

"No. Just the wind."

My daughter had to stare at me, dark blue eyes seeing right into me. "Nothing's ever just the wind. Daddy?"

Dumpling... "No? It blows through the cave system and harmonises with the crystal layer."

"Why are you sad? You've got your walls up, you won't let her in your head. Why?"

"Why are you sad?"

River shook her head. "I told you, my diary's nearly full. I worry. Especially now I've met my stepdaughter." I tried to stop her. "There are stories about us, you know."

Idle gossip. "Oh, I dread to think."'

"I look them up sometimes."

"You really shouldn't do that."

She wasn't taking her eyes off of me, while Galaxy Kasterborous was unable to look away from the towers. "Some of them suggest that the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium. That wouldn't be true, would it?"

How would I know? I avoided the stories. "Spoilers."

To her, I'd given her enough evidence though. "Oh. Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here. Do you remember that time-" I tried to stop her again. "'When there were two of you. Because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it. With, with Gee, I'm happy, I never got a chance to have a family, Doctor."

"Not everything can be avoided." I replied softly. "Not forever."

"But you're you. There's always a loophole." She insisted. "You wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me."

Galaxy lifted her head slightly, eyes pale and watery, unfocused. The music was resonating with her. "Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is the last Christmas until the next one. It's never fair, it's never kind, but you find a way to make it worth it and memorable."

She tried to argue it. "But you will. You'll wait until I've given up hope. All will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day. You always do."

"No, I don't. Not always. Times end, River, because they have to." I sighed sadly. "Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard."

River always knew best though. "No, Doctor, Gee, you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it? Either of you."

How could we? We both lost people as soon as we turned our backs. But we never forgot, not unless... Oh, Clara, Gee needed you so bad. "Mmm. What do you think of the towers?"

"I love them."

But your eyes were on me. "Then why are you ignoring them?"

"They're ignoring me. But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back."

"No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time." I agreed, Gee moving away slightly. "Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song."

Her mind hadn't moved on though. Women, always worrying. "So, assuming tonight is all we have left."

Not even I knew if that was true, love. "I didn't say that."

"How long is a night on Darillium?"

Well, there was the fun part. Sitting still with you in our tiny moment of Happily Ever After. "Twenty four years."

Now she was almost laughing and crying at the same time. "I hate you."

Wasn't that a part of loving someone? "No, you don't."

Then just looked at each other for a long moment,before looking over to where we heard a soft sob, muffled by a hand. "Gee? Sweetie, what is it, what's wrong?"

"I don't think I'm alright, am I?" She asked as she looked over at us, tears flowing freely down her face. "I haven't been for a while, and I've been trying to pretend, but who am I actually kidding? Whoever she was, whatever Clara was to me, it was her who stopped this, she was the one who knew how to stop me and how to help me. She stopped me giving in to it, the madness that is there, it is always there."

"Oh, Dumpling..." I sighed, wrapping my arms around her and River, my wife beating me to hugging her myself. "It's OK, it's all going to be OK. I promise. I love you, my little universe, it's OK..."

Something told me that with River here, teaching her to overcome madness and a predisposition towards homicidal urges was going to be possible. My family... All I needed for my Happily Ever After.