Chapter 29 – Loving You

Xena and Gabrielle are apart as Xena leaves with Beowulf for the Norselands… sometime within "The Ring"

Gabrielle:

Gabrielle is writing a letter to Xena about this moment.

After all of this time…. You still are trying to protect me. I love you for that. I love you. But, when are you going to realize that the worst thing for me has always been being apart from you? I know I am still not a warrior, not really. I can't protect you the way that you protect me; I know. What are you protecting me from, death? Death is not my greatest fear. We've both died and if I died again, if it was beside you, then we would still be together. You know that. I don't fear death. The only thing in this life I fear is losing you, not seeing you, not holding you…even in these moments; times when we are apart for days, for moments, I feel lost. How many times have I told you that? Have I? Xena….

Why would you leave? To protect me from what? In this foreign world, this foreign time. This is not our time…you know that as well as I do. This is their time; Eve, Virgil, Sarah…Our time was so long ago … I am not sure where you are heading, what you are doing. I just have to find you. When I do… somehow I have to make you understand, finally… that there can be no more missions, no more journeys that you protect me from. I didn't choose this path – not any more than you did. You are right about that – it was chosen for us and I willingly accepted it. I would never change that… not any of it, not one moment with you.

How long did we fight this path? Both of us, each in our own way? How many have tried to tear us from it? Please, don't take yourself from me. You always worry about me and forget that I am worrying about you. We are not meant to be apart. Not in anything. I've told you. You are my home. You are my path. I knew that in that Roman prison. I knew that the moment I saw you; somehow. I will find you. …Your love for me is endless… my love for you is my light. Someday, my love… you will understand that… someday.

Xena:

Xena has been talking with Beowulf who is going on and on about Gabrielle. She is sitting by the fire talking to Gabrielle in her mind… telling her all of the things that are often so hard for her to say aloud.

He's in love you. Of course he is. How could he not be? Just being in your presence for a minute… and he has fallen. I can see it in his eyes. He saw your light. That light that keeps me steady, that holds me up. I know you are angry right now. I can hear you in my head. I can't bear to think of losing you. Seeing you hurt again - because of me. So much I have taken you away from in my selfishness. My need to be with you. I feel like my heart is breaking, Gabrielle. I miss you so much. I see the look in his eyes. It reminds me of Joxer… all I want to do is look into your eyes and tell you…I love you. Love you more than I knew anyone could love. I don't think eternity is long enough. It's not.

I couldn't let you follow me here. How could I? I think…I think I am more afraid of you seeing this – this part of who I was; before you loved me – before I loved you. I don't know that person anymore…every time I feel that person rising in me…I see your face… your gentleness. I feel you beside me and I want to be who you see. Maybe I am, but I could not be that person without you. He is still talking about you… his eyes are far away. And, I understand… if only he realized…he asked if I missed you. I miss you so much that I find it hard to breathe when he says your name. He says you are beautiful…He has no idea... no idea how beautiful you are. Why can't I ever tell you this? You would say I don't have to… but I should. Maybe I didn't leave you behind to protect you… maybe I did it to protect me. I suppose I did. I miss you, Gabrielle. I miss you. Of course he has fallen in love with you. I fall in love with you every day. I hope you know that. I'm sorry if I let you down… but I love you… Always.