A/N: So this one is different a little from my typical chapters. Don't wish to spoil it, so more notes at the end. And once again…the reviews keep me writing, thanks for taking the time. No, seriously. I couldn't even get started on this chapter until I started seeing some encouragement from my last one…it was weird. :D So thank-you my Muses… (and thanks to those that read my latest Missing Reel ;) )
Chapter 39
Hatter stared down at the sleeping form of Alice. He hadn't been able to fall asleep, not with the thought that Alice was leaving in the morning. He looked at the window, saw dawn breaking, and then glanced at the clock for confirmation. He leaned over and shut off Alice's alarm. She hated being woken by it. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, and then her mouth. She mumbled and her eyelids fluttered. He smiled and stroked her hair.
"Wake up, love," he said softly.
Alice blearily opened her eyes to meet Hatter's dark gaze, his face half shaded in the early morning twilight, "Did the alarm go off already?" She mumbled.
"I shut it off, but it's time to get up. I know you hate to wake up to noise," he said as he smiled down at her.
"How long have you been awake?" she asked, blinking off the fog of sleep. Alice's brow creased as she blinked up at the very awake Hatter.
"I'll make you a cup of tea," he said, as he slid out of the bed and offered her a hand up, neatly avoiding the question.
"No. Hatter, you don't need to do that. Go back to bed," she argued.
Hatter turned to look at her, "Please, I'd like to."
She paused, searching his expression, hard to read in the semi-dark, "Okay. That would be nice," she agreed, acknowledging the desperate need for him to do something for her.
He had a cup of his Wake Up tea ready for her, along with a leftover scone by the time she had brushed her teeth, washed off her face, and then used the bathroom. She started to push away the food, but thought better of it. Hatter sat across from her, pushing his food around on the plate as he sipped his tea. He was oddly silent, seeming to be at a loss for words for once. He wouldn't ask her to stay, and that was the only thing on his mind, so he remained silent.
Alice reached across the table and grabbed his hand. Startled, he looked up at her.
"I won't be gone long," she said, trying to break down the wall of silence.
He breathed out in a humorless half laugh, "I know that in here…" he said, pointing to his forehead.
"But?" urged Alice.
But I'm having a hard time convincing my heart, he thought, "I'm just going to miss you," he said instead.
"Me too," she said, pushing away the remnants of her meal so she could fold herself into Hatter's arms.
He tried for a smile and found one for her.
The morning flew by too quickly for either of them. Her mother called to say she was waiting to pick up Alice downstairs. Hatter took her luggage down for her and loaded it into the trunk and then turned to face Alice. He kissed her softly before holding her to him in a tight embrace, ignoring the pain it caused. He didn't care… he just wanted to hold her to him.
"Be safe," he whispered in her ear.
Alice laughed softly, "I should be saying that to you. Take your medicine."
"I love you, Alice. Ring me when you get there and any time you want to talk, no matter what time, okay?" he said.
"I love you too, I'll call," she answered.
One last kiss and she was in the car and away. She will come back. She will be back, he told himself. He tried to believe it. He trudged back up to his empty flat and lay down on the bed. Her scent still clung there; breathing it in, he let exhaustion take him as he finally slept.
Hatter woke to his mobile ringing. He fumbled to answer it, he had no idea how long it had been going off. It was Alice, telling him she had arrived safe. He breathed a sigh of relief and spoke with her for a few short moments before she said she had to go, saying they were headed into the hospital. He passed a hand through his hair and decided he might as well get dressed for work.
Hatter was glad that he had been cleared to go back to work today, he needed the distraction. He had missed so many days; there would be a lot to catch up on. He hoped to talk James into letting him modify the shop so it fit in with his vision of what it could be. He would start slowly, a few changes here and there, and when James saw how successful the business could be, he hoped he would let him do more.
He reported to work early. He had about worn down the floors in his flat, pacing back and forth. He worked continuously through the night, catering to his customers. He laughed and joked, flirted outrageously with little old ladies, and even did a hat trick or two. Pulling the confident persona back over him felt odd after so long with just him and Alice... but it was still him, and it felt good. It took some of the sting of her absence away to keep busy, and Hatter hardly stopped moving.
He worked on creating a tea blend for tomorrow's special, trying for something less morose than his previous two blends had been, and failed horribly. It was no use, as soon as he tuned into that part of him that created he found the empty ache that came from knowing that there was no Alice to come home to tonight. Shrugging, he gave into it. His father would have told him that he needed to get it out of his system before he could create anything else.
Finally it was ready. He prepared a cup, inhaling the scent before taking a sip. It was perfect. The top note of chrysanthemum, undercurrents of anise and mace, black pepper, heavy tannin, very bitter…this one would need milk and sugar to mellow it. The lingering aftertaste of cinnamon like hope on his tongue. It echoed the aching emptiness inside, tempered by anticipation of its end. He named it Alone.
His tip jar was full at the end of the evening, and the shop had done well. It seemed as if James had told several of his customers when to expect Hatter back, and it struck him as odd that customers would come in purely to ask after his welfare. It seemed as if he and Alice had become neighborhood heroes of a sort for standing up to the crime wave that had overtaken the area. Hatter didn't mind, especially if it brought in business.
After hours, he wrote a proposal to James outlining what he foresaw as the future of the tea shop. It would take some time, and some money, but he knew people and what they wanted. Hatter had a sixth sense for business; he hoped James would trust him. He planned to keep saving until he could buy a larger portion of the business, and James had welcomed the idea. He had told Hatter that he would like to be able to pass over the business to someone who would take care of it when he finally decided to retire. Hatter had been stunned at the thought that James had planned on selling the business to him someday…he said he had seen it in him. With this in mind, he thought James would be willing to give his ideas a go.
Alice sat at the side of the hospital bed by her aunt. She held her hand, careful of the IV line and monitors hooked to her. Her mother had gone to check on Aunt Helen's house, promising to return shortly. Alice didn't mind, she didn't particularly want company…even her mother. She was glad they had made it to Milwaukee in time, could be here to see her. She was heavily sedated, but Alice thought she may be able to tell that there was someone there. She hoped it was so. Her mother was going to discuss "the options" with the doctor tomorrow. The doctor said she wasn't suffering, and Alice was grateful for that.
Alice lay in the guest bed in Aunt Helen's house later that night, thinking in circles. Helen's condition weighed on her heavily, and she felt alone in her misery. Her mother had opted to spend the night in the hospital. She was sad and lonely and she missed Hatter, wanted to hear his voice…but it was one a.m. She didn't want to wake him, and she had already talked to him earlier in the evening. It occurred to her that she didn't have a photograph of him. She didn't think a photo would do him justice, he was too much action and movement and spirit to be captured on film… but still… she wished she had a picture.
Hatter stared at his book, re-reading the same sentence for the fifteenth time before giving up on it. He sighed and pulled out his mobile, wished it wasn't so late. He didn't want to wake her. It rang in his hand… it was Alice.
"Alice! Is everything okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I just... You weren't asleep were you?" she replied.
"No. Couldn't sleep," not without you, he thought.
"Good. I mean, not good that you can't sleep but…" Alice stumbled.
Hatter's soft laugh stopped her hesitant words, "I know what you mean, love. I miss you," he said.
"Yeah. I miss you too. It's been a rough day," she continued.
"Tell me," he said simply.
And she did. They spoke for a couple of hours, until they were both so tired that they were exchanging noises instead of words. Alice smiled and closed her eyes as they spoke; imagining the expressions that would be chasing over his animated face and lighting up his warm brown eyes. She let him ease the burden of sorrow on her heart, allowed him to let her forget for a short time how much she was grieving. Although they were miles apart, the connection between them was still there. Alice awoke the next morning still holding her phone.
Hatter got a call from James that morning, asking him if he could come to work early. James hadn't been feeling well, and would like to get some rest. Hatter readily agreed; he could use the extra hours. James sat with Hatter, reading over his proposal curiously before he left for the day. He seemed to approve, but he thought it would take more money that he was able to invest in it. Hatter assured him that they could take it in stages, first expanding the café into more of a comfortable lounge, and then turning the back storeroom into an upper scale tea market. He wanted to offer wireless internet, and offer cream tea once a week. He was relieved that James knew when he said 'cream tea' he meant tea served with scones, cream and jam… not tea with cream. He had to educate several customers on this fallacy already.
James smiled at his enthusiasm, but was dubious. He agreed to implement each change a little at a time to test the waters. He clapped Hatter on the back and told him he was to take care of himself, he didn't want him doing too much too soon and end up back in the E.R. Hatter laughed at that and said he didn't want that either, but Alice was away and he would be glad to work any extra hours.
"Ah, so that's where the idea for the daily special came from then?" James asked.
A little embarrassed, Hatter just nodded.
"You've got a gift, David. Don't be embarrassed of it… although we could do with something a little more upbeat next. We don't want to send all the customers into a depression," James joked.
Hatter smirked, "Of course."
Hatter worked with a lighter heart today after falling asleep talking to Alice the night before. He still stayed busy, clearing the storeroom out as he could between working the counter and the register. His head still turned every time a petite dark-haired girl walked by, although he knew none of them could possibly be his Alice. The strain he felt with her absence was ameliorated by the knowledge that she loved him and missed him and would be home soon.
When he set about crafting his special blend for the next day, he honored James' wishes. He crafted a blend that called to mind all the laughter and happy bantering that he and Alice shared together. He named it Happy Thoughts. He smirked at the label; it would amuse James to no end. He took some if it home with him that evening, he could use it.
The evening repeated as the last one had. Alice made a tentative call, Hatter's enthusiastic response… speaking for hours about their respective days until they could speak no more.
Alice related that Aunt Helen was hanging on, somehow, despite her mother deciding to remove life support. Hatter gave what comfort he could with his voice; although skilled at talking his way into and out of most anything, talking couldn't comfort her like she needed. He missed her…
The following day Hatter woke to his mobile ringing again. James was in the hospital, although he told Hatter not to worry. They were just evaluating him; he had some chest pains, but so far it looked like he hadn't had a heart attack. He was getting older, and so they didn't take chances. He wanted Hatter to keep the shop open for him while he was out for a couple of days. It meant working some very long days, and he knew Hatter was still getting over his injuries and a bout of pneumonia. James said he would understand if Hatter couldn't do it. Hatter, of course, insisted it was no problem. He dressed and went to open the shop; it would be a long day.
Hatter tried to remain focused, calling into play all of his considerable willpower. It was hard, to smile and fake his way through the evening…but he hadn't survived as long as he had without the ability to conceal his true thoughts and feelings. He just wanted his Alice.
He answered her call with a relieved sigh as he breathed out her name. He had desperately needed to hear her voice. He was worried for James, worried for what it would mean to the shop… and worried for what would happen to him and Alice if he lost his job and his home. James had said it was nothing, but it brought to light what a precarious position he was in. He really owned very little…it could all disappear out from under him in a heartbeat. He had been in this position in his life too many times already, and each time he swore he never would be again.
Unease clawed at his belly at the thought that he could lose all that he had built up here. Alice was asking him if he was okay, something of it must be slipping through into his voice. He tried for levity, but he didn't reach it. He didn't want to lie this down at her feet, not with what she was dealing with already. He changed the subject, hearing the sadness echoing through in Alice. Something was bothering her, too. His could wait.
She said her aunt Helen had woken briefly today, and Alice had started to move to hug her, but didn't do it because of all the tubes and wires. She didn't want to hurt her. She thought that Helen had seen her move to hug her and stop… she probably thought that Alice didn't want to hug her… and then she had closed her eyes again, only to fall into a coma. The doctors didn't think she would wake up again. Alice's voice finally broke as she related the story, and she began sobbing.
Hatter's heart fractured into a million tiny pieces listening to her; he wanted to be there. Where was her mother? Why wasn't she with Alice? He asked her, finally. Alice cried harder, saying she couldn't get her mother to leave Helen's side; she hadn't been there when she opened her eyes. Hatter tried to hold it together for Alice's sake, but he didn't know if he could. He needed to be with her now, she needed him. Frustration and sadness and worry fought within him for which was strongest; he sat with his head in his hands and spoke softly to Alice until she calmed.
He talked until he lost his voice, telling her stories of the white knights he had heard as a child, of the old Wonderland before the corruption of the Queen of Hearts. He told her tales of his own childhood, buried within him… but for her he would speak of them again. He told her about how his mother had made him eat peas, and he would hide them under the claw-footed table… and then she found them in a disgusting moldy wad while cleaning one day. He had been afraid he would be punished, but she had just told him that if he felt that strongly about it, he no longer had to eat them. It had made him feel so grown up.
Alice was laughing, and it made him feel better. He would talk until he turned blue if it would ease her suffering, and her guilt for a misinterpreted action. He would tell her about James tomorrow; today had held enough grief. He hoped that tomorrow would be brighter. As he listened to Alice's voice, he knew one thing for sure… he could lose everything all over again and it wouldn't matter, as long as he had her.
A/N: Um, okay, I'll admit it's heavy on the sad this time…but I have my reasons!
And with the hug...I had to write it in. Like I said, I know about life support. Writing is cathartic... let the catharsis begin.
More to come, and we won't be in angst stew forever, I Promise. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Musical inspiration: Love Boat Captain-Pearl Jam. Great song.
By the way…I am SO loving the extended scenes in my Alice DVD. Andrew-Lee pulling the cheese out of his pants is truly priceless…Oooo and I LOVE the horseback one where he tells Alice she can put her arms around his waist…..*giggle snort*…but I digress.
