Ok, i have to say, things are heading to AO now. (bite me, EOers!) But calm down everyone, twists are on the way.

Don't get me wrong. i'm not just enjoy teasing EO & AO fans and toying story lines here, but i really want things to be more real. You know, in real life, gay relationships are never easy, especially when Liv's in this condition.

Anyway, let's get start. This chapter, you'll see some AO sweetness and their first kiss! :) Enjoy!

EO fans, don't like don't read, for this chap. Sorry~~~~


CHAPTER 29

Coffee?

The smell brought her to the morning. Sleepily, Olivia opened her eyes.

She turned to the night clock, and took a while to see things clearly.

11:30… p.m.?

…Of course it's daytime.

The antidepressant knocked her into such a dreamless dead sleep last night, and still made her tired and thirsty now.

"Morning, dear."

Rubbed her fuzzy eyes, she met the smiling counselor. "Hey." That was when she saw the cut wounds on Alex's hand.

"Lady Cappuccino's here." She said, quickly setting the cup down and hiding her hands down.

The brunette shifted her weight to her right elbow, carefully rolling to sit up. "Doctor said no caffeine."

"Since when you listen to the doctor?" Alex sat down on the bedside. "It's decaf, and I only poured half of the normal cup. Besides," she took a peep on the brunette's injured palm caused by last night's episode, "you look dying for this."

Eyes sticking on that cup, Olivia felt her tongue even tasted it already. "…God, yes."

Alex smiled to see the brunette took a small sip, then her lips never left the cup edge. "Slow down, honey."

Olivia finished in gasps. "God…I miss this…" She met those blue eyes. "Thank you... Alex."

Alex smiled. "I'm glad, that you like it." If the tasteless coffee could bring so much life back in her eyes...

The two women stared at each other for a sensitive moment.

Until the brown eyes slid across the bandage on Alex's hand. "I'm sorry, Alex... for everything." She whispered, bowing her head.

"It's nothing." Her hand suddenly needed somewhere to hide. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm…" She played with the empty cup in her hands slowly.

She didn't even say "fine".

"Honey, I really hope you can talk to me." About what happened in that café and… Alex hesitated, "I mean, if you're ready…"

"Alex..." The brunette reached to her wheelchair by the bed, "After everything you've done for me, I know that I owe you an explanation…"

"You don't owe me anything." Her tone hardened as she holding the wheelchair handles steady. "Honey, just because I help you in some ways, doesn't mean that I'm gonna make you to pay for that."

"No, it's not what I mean. I just… I feel…" guilty.

Alex sighed. She hated to add more pressure and frustration here. "Okay, I know … C'mon, let's go to bathroom first."

"I got it. Thanks."

Feeling the gentle pushing, Alex withdrew her hands fast. She held her breath, watching Olivia slowly managed into the wheelchair and rolled away without a word.

Just before the bathroom door closed, "Liv," she cleared her throat, "breakfast- or lunch, is almost ready, so…"

Turned. Olivia's chest tightened to meet those anxious eyes. "I know. Don't worry."

Alex nodded silently behind her, with arms akimbo. But still, she couldn't help but feel her brain running crazily reviewing last night.

"Olivia, I need you to promise me that you'll NEVER, EVER, do it again."

"I…" She cried and shook her head.

"Dammit, Olivia, look at me! Promise me!"

That was how she got her words. And it couldn't be more pointless.


Bacon chewed almost like sawdust in her mouth, as Alex Cabot was still soaked in the relief of seeing the brunette getting out of the God damn bathroom and coming to her side.

Though, that was 5 minutes ago.

Now, sitting here face to face with Olivia, she found her eyes couldn't help but look up to see the quiet woman from time to time. She never imagined Olivia Benson could some day be so thin, vulnerable and pale… As if her skin got more paler, then the sunlight would even just run through her body.

She just couldn't get use to it.

It was way too unbelievable, because the woman in front of her had always been a protector, a lioness and a symbol of independence, although she was still the same beautiful…

…as long as she sits here, breathing… with me.

I could've lost her last night.

"When will you be back to work?"

It took Alex two seconds to comprehend. "Um, next week. But I'm gonna call Liz,"

"Alex, you can go." Immediately she knew her words hurt. "I mean, I'm getting much better now, and you can be with me for how long? You got your own life."

The blond sighed, set down her fork. "You're right. There's no way I'll be doing this 24/7. But Liv, do you really believe that you're ok now?"

Her eyes met hers, but just for a second. "What happened last night won't happen, again. I promised. So, please stop worrying about me."

"Honey, how come I could stop worrying?" With the soft whisper, the blond leaned forward and held Olivia's hand with her own, on the table. "You're suffering. I know. I saw it. And it tore my heart to see you like that. Can you imagine how painful it is for me?" She squeezed back as feeling the brunette's squeeze on her hand.

"I'm sorry for what I did yesterday…" She dropped her gazing.

Alex frowned. "Honey, I'm not asking for your apology here."

"I know, but please, I have to apologize to you. Despite the last thing on earth I wanna do is to hurt you… I still did, over and over again."

"Olivia, look at me." She paused, until meeting those guilty eyes. "I want you to stop blaming yourself. None of these is your fault. What I really need now, is your opening up to me. Please, honey, talk to me."

"I don't know where to start."

"How about... What exactly happened in that café yesterday?" She felt on thin ice as sensing the hope rising.

The brunette thought for a second. "I don't really... I mean, I thought I knew it at that time, but then…" her voice was barely audible. "I'm losing it, Alex. I, I might be going crazy."

"What? no, no."

She shook her head, too. "You don't know. Yesterday, the kids… I think, I thought they recognized me."

What?

"The video. They watched it… And the way they talked about me… they talked like I was some porn star."

That's why she got so angry and why she didn't say a word in the police station. "God, Liv, I'm sorry… But it wasn't your fault. No one could stay in calm in that circumstance. If I were you…"

She cut her off. "I, I almost killed that kid, Alex. So close... this close."

"But you didn't."

"I could have!" she drew her hand back suddenly, looked away. "I felt, the urge… the pleasure of kill."

It stunned Alex.

"In that moment, the only thing in my head, was to kill. I, I-"

"Liv, it's part of the PTSD. It happens. You overreacted."

"No. Alex, you just don't know…" the brunette swallowed, forcing her tears back. "I saw illusions. That kid… the first look I took on him, I saw Jason's face."

Alex's heart sank. "You were having flashbacks, Liv."

"Doesn't matter... I just got angry, so angry. I've never been like that before, you know me, right?" Her eyes danced back and forth between the blue ones.

Alex opened her mouth to say something, but it was too late.

"Yeah..." The brunette let out a sad smile. "Me neither... A cop turned out a killer. Quite a change, huh?"

"You're angry."

"Yes, I am." She answered hastily. "About everything. Such like realizing that I never really know my true color at all, and you guys might have been lying to me 'bout the criminal genes, 'cause obviously I got pretty much of those shit in my blood. That's why even being a cop for all my life still couldn't wash the harm urge out of my fucking veins!" Her body trembled as much as her voice. "Such like knowing that the two motherfuckers who ruined my body, my life, my everything, are still alive, living with me, inside me, even after I blew their damn heads off! Fuck... What else can I do? I prayed, I cursed, I even tried once to hear God's guidance when, but nothing came back. Everything's always the same." She ignored tears rushing down her face, angrily pushed herself off the table. "What else God still wants from me?! Why I feel there's no closure at all?"

Alex was already by her side and crouched down. Quietly, she wrapped both arms around the brunette for supporting.

It was the unbosoming she'd been longing for. Though, it still felt way more painful than her expectation.

"Here," she passed the tissue box over, as the brunette finally pushed away.

"Sorry for ruining your shirt." Olivia sounded tired.

"Thanks for opening up to me." Alex brushed the brunette's chin with the back of her hand, before getting to her feet. "Wanna some air? We can go to the backyard if you like."

"Ok." Olivia took another deep breath, feeling herself might need some wind to dry her sore eyes.

As they getting out of the door and the cold air suddenly hitting, Alex shivered slightly, which immediately making her bend and tightened the shawl around Olivia's shoulders. "It's getting colder today. Let me get a blanket."

"No," she turned, grabbed Alex's hand. "I'm ok, really."

"Okay." She clasped their hands, and squeezed.

After that, silence sank between them as they kept holding hands but lost in their own thoughts.

"I thought I might understand half of your feelings," finally, the counselor talked, "but now I feel like I barely know any of that. Actually, no one does, which stunned me that how strong you really are and how hard life could possibly be. You know what? Last night, I was so hurt, even pissed, about what you attempted to do. But now I just felt...selfish for feeling that way. You were right. I just don't get it. Guess that's why we really need to talk more. Because I will always be in the dark, always be such a fool if you keep carrying everything on your own shoulder. It's too much weight, honey. I know you've been independent and strong for all your life, but you're still a human. Things like these could crash you."

"I'm sorry. It's just felt...pointless. I mean, talk or not, I still have to walk on the road."

"But you don't have to be alone. That's what...friends do." Somehow, the word "friends" stung. So she continued quickly. "I really wanna be with you every step of the road, Liv, 'cause you're...important to me."

"Alex..."

She came to her front and crouched down. "Liv, listen. Life changes. So, when it is time, it's the time." She waited until meeting her eyes. "Maybe, being a cop is not the only way to gain the meaning of your life. You can find another way." She paused, letting her words to sink in, but continued before Olivia breaking eye contact. "And to do that, you have to get recovered first, both physically and mentally, which means, you may need some professional help as the first step."

But tears reappeared in those brown eyes. "I did think about these, but..." she shook head, looking away. "I don't have that much money, Alex. The therapy, medicine, food and rent... And please, I don't want anybody's money. I mean, I appreciate, but-"

"I know, I know." She didn't need her to explain. She knew her too well to even start the humiliation. Though, her heart ached to see the awkwardness and frustration choking the proud woman. "So, how about...you move to my place? It's more close to the hospital and the elevator never breaks down. More than that, I have an uncle working in a publish company. He always has some French, Spanish books need to be translated. So, maybe you can do some part-time jobs for him. Yeah, I know the paycheck's not so good..."

"Alex, wait," she held her hand and cut her off, "you have your own life to live. I can't do this to you."

"Honey, you are part of my life." Her eyes looked deeply into hers. "And it's just temporary. I assure you. After some days, you'll find your new life and get restart. For now, just let me be your crutch, your shelter or whatever I could be to help you through this hardest time."

Olivia bowed her head. She couldn't take it anymore. The sincereness, concern, and even selfless sacrifice, were chewing the softest part of her heart. "God, Alex..." Her vision blurred. "What did I do to deserve someone like you?"

"Nothing. You just showed me how strong and beautiful a woman could be."

"Oh, no," she closed eyes as a hot tear ran down. "What you're talking ab-" but her words died as she surprisingly felt Alex's tender lips on hers.

Their eyes locked as they leaned back.

Things happened so fast that the warmth, softness and tear taste was still on Olivia's lips. In shock, she searched the blond's eyes while the whole world froze. What...? Is that what it...feels like? She waited for her laughing it off or maybe joking...

Though, nothing like that came.

"I-" the blond swallowed down a cough, for her throat was too dry...so dry... "I'm sorry if I scared you, but I'm not sorry for kissing you. Olivia, I may fall in love with you." You really said that out loud? God, what the hell you want her to say... "Y-You don't need to say anything. Don't say... I just...cuz I'm not asking anything back from you. I just-" Her heart felt like it'd stop beating at any second. And suddenly she felt stupid, so hopelessly stupid and naive. Even 13 years old wouldn't have picked time like this. You think her stress's not high enough, huh? "...Gosh. Let's just pretend nothing happened." She stood up to escape, but her wrist got caught before she walked.

"Alex..."

The blond didn't dare to turn or move, feeling Olivia's fingers to burn through her skin.

"It's..."

She could tell that how carefully the brunette was choosing her words to avoid harm. Though, the seconds' waiting felt like years.

"It's kinda sudden. I, I just need...time..."

"Are you, um, s-still gonna move in with me?" She heard her voice hoarse like a frightened kid.

"Yes, I will."

That was it.

The rest of her words, Alex didn't comprehend any of them. She just felt her heart restarted to beat again, as a sweetness crossing her chest.

(TBC)


Please review!

Every word from you guys had always been inspiriting me!

Please...