Chapter 29
Helena was beginning to notice subtle differences in her friend. The first was in the way that she moved. Rinn was more confident in her stride, smoother for lack of a better way of putting it. And, where in the past Helena had always taken the lead with her quick stride, Rinn now stayed in pace with her, walking closely by her right side. At first she had thought it a coincidence, but soon realised that it was very deliberate because her right side was obviously her weaker side. She wanted to address it, to tell Rinn that it wasn't necessary to act like her guard all the time, but she also realised that it might insult her friend. So, she kept quiet and kept noticing the transformation the woman was going through. They had always been of similar height and build, but in the past few weeks, Rinn had firmed up and set out. She appeared taller now, certainly heavier, but definitively not fat. If anything, Helena knew from experience that her friend was perfectly capable of picking her up or holding her down if need called for it.
Need had called for it two nights ago, when one of Helena's nightmares – procured when she fell asleep on the couch in front of the television, nearly had her leaping out of the window in terror. Her friend had managed grab her as she fled over the coffee table and struggle her to the ground, earning a lovely bruise for her effort that was still visible on her cheek.
They didn't talk about it, just as they hadn't talked about Helena's urge to take up self-defence training in the beginning. At first it hadn't seemed necessary because Liara had stewed on the request for a few days. She had only agreed to it after she had a personal meeting with the ginger's physiotherapist. Helena knew that she had Annie to thank for Liara's change of heart as the physio had actually encouraged her to become active again, to challenge herself and regain the confidence that she had lost in her body.
She had been considering becoming more active regardless, to ask her friend whether she could accompany her on her morning jogs. In the life that they had had before, Helena had been the exercise goon, jogging, riding, cycling and swimming whenever she got the chance. But now she had stagnated and it was beginning to bother her. Rinn on the other hand, had leaned towards being a bit of a couch potato, yet Helena knew now that there would be no way she could keep up with her friend if she was to run the courses that Rinn had to do every day at work.
The most embarrassing thing was that Rinn knew it too and Helena had picked up when they set out from the apartment that morning that her friend was worried about her.
Helena was sitting in the locker room at the Orca security company, making minor adjustments to her brace as she waited for Rinn to return, a discarded pair of pants next to her. Her friend had arranged her clothing the night before, having gone on the assumption that Helena was the size that she had been before their arrival. She wasn't, however, and Rinn had to leave to try and find her a set of clothes that was a size or two smaller. It dawned on Helena that if she was going to make adjustments to her exercise schedule, she was going to have to work on her appetite as well.
Studying her hands and the freckles that littered the skin on top, Helena tried to find calm and looked up when Rinn came back into the room, carrying three sets of pants.
"Try these," she said, an undertone of tension in her voice. "You have to hurry; Yulia's waiting."
Helena nodded, a little bit surprised that the centre's second-in-command was going to take charge of her personally. Rinn saw her surprise and grimaced. "She's going to assess you," she said. "As far as I understand. I don't really know what they have planned for you." She hesitated. "Lena, you don't have to do this. I can protect you."
From yourself? Helena thought as she awkwardly hopped into the one set that she had judged to be approximately the right size.
"I want to do this," she pointed out. "It can be fun. I need to do more than just… I just need to do more."
Rinn gave her a curious look, briefly amused. "You do a lot," she pointed out. "You went dancing with Da'an the other night and he is teaching you all sorts of evil tricks with that omnitool of yours. You have plenty of things to be good at, Helena. Plenty of things to practice. This doesn't have to be one of those things." She frowned. "Not here."
Studying her friend, wondering if it was the people or the activity she objected to, Helena shrugged. "I'm here now," she said and smiled. "And again, I want to do this. This isn't the same as taking my quarian friend dancing." She hopped to her feet the clothes, definitively a better fit than before. She considered making a joke about the zombie apocalypse, but the cold realisation that the zombies were coming, that the apocalypse was on its way, sobered her up a little.
And, set her resolve to give her absolute best at this even more firmly in her mind.
So she smiled at her friend, motioned to her to lead the way out of the locker room and to whatever hell Yulia had planned for her.
"Besides," Helena said – wishing to lighten the mood. "You just don't want me to carry a gun."
Rinn snorted and, as usual, fell in on her right side.
"No," she disagreed, her tone mildly amused. "It's because I don't think there are enough shields between the unsuspecting idiots of the galaxy and your thermal clips to keep you out of jail…"
"Tell me something T'Soni," Jachett said from beside her as they both scrutinised the monitor. "What is your plan with this human?" Liara didn't comment immediately but watched closely as Yulia continued to guide her assistant through the room and its equipment. Even if she hadn't known Helena well, she'd have been able to see the ginger's frustration. However Helena would've performed in her previous life, that result was not mirrored here. She was unfit and had been unable to complete quite a few of the tasks that the asari set before her, either because she didn't know how or her shoulder's limited strength forbade her to do so. She was careful of it, perhaps overly so. Even now as she sat on a bench to catch her breath, Liara saw her cradling her arm, her fingers digging into the flesh beside her neck. Her pale cheeks were flushed with colour and she was glaring at the ladder as if she meant to tear it from the floor and throw it out of the window herself.
"To be honest," Liara said eventually. "I'm not sure. Originally I had thought that she would simply act as an administrator. Take appointments, file some of my less crucial data, book appointments… That sort of thing. But, I believe she has some inclination towards information brokering. I don't want to waste that talent and I do need extra help in the field." She frowned and motioned to the screen. "I wasn't aware that you were going to give her a complete physical before starting her training."
Jachett shrugged, but she sensed a smile behind his gruff features. "It was Yulia's idea," he said. "This isn't for her benefit but for Rinn." As far as Liara understood, he rarely used the woman's name in human's presence. "Yulia wants to program the droid with Helena's parameters. If that piece of vorcha shit is to act as support in the field, she's going to have to understand how her friend moves. Her speed, her limitations, her level of fitness." He studied the expression on Helena's features. "Her willingness to take orders in a tense situation."
Liara was suddenly reminded of some footage that she had seen of the two's time in the mine, of a badly injured Rinn telling Helena to run for the door before it closed and sealed them in. The ginger had had a chance to escape the horror that had befallen them later, but she had not taken it, choosing to remain in danger with her friend.
"It should prove to be an interesting exercise," she pointed out. "Just remember why she's here and why I'm paying you, I want you to test her weapon's proficiency and start teaching her some basic levels of self-defence."
The turian's grin was feral. "Don't imagine for one moment that I will lose sight of where the credits come from," he said and turned his scrutinizing gaze on Liara. "I thought that you would be your way to the Citadel. "
Hesitating with her reply, Liara watched as Yulia brought a baton to Helena. "There isn't anything I can do there," she pointed out. "Although I have an interest in the Alliance's declaration, I have more important business to attend to." It had been a hard decision to make. She had even sensed that Rinn wanted to ask her whether she could travel to the Citadel, though the woman had never worked up the courage to do so.
Jachett snorted. "So does everybody else," he pointed out. "I don't know why the galaxy is so obsessed with one human. Especially one working with terrorists."
It was a goad, one she chose to ignore.
"I guess that's what the whole galaxy is wondering," she said simply. "But, we'll have to wait and see what the results will be."
It wasn't often that Miranda felt the need to address the crew, but she thought it prudent today – as the Normandy neared the Citadel. Several days have passed since Katelyn walked away from the Alliance's testing and, for all the bad publicity it must've caused her to do so, Miranda felt as if they have accomplished something. Katelyn was in a considerably better frame of mind now than when she had left. And, in those precious minutes that they had spent on Mindoir, she had actually confessed to knowing that the Alliance won't vote in her favour.
And that she wouldn't take it from them. That she would continue working on the Normandy with the Illusive Man if her former operation chose not to support her.
That was what Miranda had wanted to hear, but she also knew that it would come with a price.
"I want to stress that there is to be no shore leave in the time that we are docked in the Citadel," she announced to the crew, studying their features, searching for signs of disapproval, trying to gauge the emotions that lingered below the surface. It was perhaps through Katelyn that she had come to understand that the crew was a singular entity, a hive mind that could either function in your favour or against you. Previously, she would simply have fired anybody she considered to be a problem, but the Normandy's situation was considerably more intricate.
"You are all aware of the proceedings on the Citadel, also why we are returning. Depending on the outcome of the Alliance's verdict, we might have to leave the Citadel very quickly. Also, I intend to do so regardless, we're not sticking around for the fallout." She frowned at them. "And, on that note – I know you all signed up for this mission – knowing who Shepard is and what Cerberus had needed to do to revive her. However, public opinion can be a strong influence. If you have any doubts or any reservations on continuing to serve with her, I suggest you contact me in private so that we can make alternative arrangements. I have stressed this before, I don't want anybody on this ship who does not believe in what we are doing."
There was an awkward shuffle among the crew, because her words had had a harsh tone in them regardless of Miranda trying to be reasonable. Looking at them, Miranda tried to gauge the emotions that she was feeling until she saw Garrus Vakarian shift. He hadn't needed to be present for the meeting, but had come out to see what it was about regardless. His shift had drawn most of the crew's attention to him and that seemed to be his cue to speak.
"Signed up for?" He queried. "With all due respect Officer Lawson, I just came here for the beer."
His words proved to be the catalyst the crew needed to relax. Some laughed, smiling at him with appreciation that she would not have thought to see among Cerberus loyalists. Those who didn't laugh still smiled to themselves, shaking their heads as they turned their attention back to her. The atmosphere broke and even she allowed herself to smile. Catching a brief motion of Chakwas, she nodded at the crew.
"Then you are all dismissed," she said. "Man your stations. Be alert. Regardless of fighting the reapers, it is also our mission to support Shepard. I… thank you for being willing to do so." The last she had added as an afterthought. She wouldn't have thanked her team in the past, but she knew that this crew, regardless of their competency, needed a little bit more.
We left you to fend off the Collectors by yourselves. If we had not left…
She cut off her train of thought when Chakwas slipped in beside her, her gaze shifting over the crew once before she frowned at Miranda. It wasn't in disapproval, rather concern.
"What am I to tell Dr Murdoch?" She queried. "He will only be able to join us in a week or two from now. I had thought that we would pick him up on the Citadel."
Miranda had almost forgotten about the psychiatrist. "I will make arrangements for a crate to be delivered to his home," she said. "He is aware that he will only be able to take a limited amount of possessions with him? Good. He can pack the crate and send it to Nos Astra. Then he can travel there when he is ready. We'll refund his travel expenses."
Chakws nodded, seemingly satisfied with the arrangements. "Are we going to Illium then?" She pointed out. "Do you think it's wise?"
Miranda nodded immediately. "Oh yes," she said. "It's safer ground than the Citadel and we can follow up on Rinn and Helena's progress. It will also be easy for Dr Murdoch to meet up with us there." She didn't like the amused look in Karin's eyes, but decided not to comment on it. "Is there anything else?"
The doctor shook her head but continued smiling.
"No," the doctor said. "Is there anything else that you need?"
The question surprised her and she shook her head immediately, more out of instinct than having actually considered the question. When she declined her help, Dr Chakwas smiled at Miranda as if they had shared a secret and left for her infirmary.
Not sure what to make of it, Miranda went back to her office, knowing that she was going to have to put a lot of work into planning their escape from the Citadel if the Alliance deemed Katelyn worthy of detention.
Helena had very few things in the world she considered herself to be truly good at. She was a fair cook and proud of her writing. She was good with numbers and fair with computers and technology, two of the things that really assisted her in this transition to being Liara's assistant.
But, something that she was truly good at, something that she had always been good at was shooting. Having grown up around guns, her father had insisted on it, rewarded it. As children, she and her brother had always been rewarded for any accomplishment that they showed in that direction. It was one of the few areas where he too showed an immeasurable amount of patience, quietly teaching them how to handle the instruments that were specifically designed to take a life.
She was therefore relieved when Yulia finally took her to the firing range, after the asari had let her beat at a bag with a solid baton for what felt like hours. Although, Helena had to admit to herself that it hadn't been an unpleasant activity and she could understand why Yulia wanted her to do it. The asari had finished the session with issuing her her own extendable baton, an object she wanted Helena to start carrying on her person all the time. Yulia didn't want her to start practicing with it, simply to get used to having it.
She also told her that she was going to start teaching her how to use it in their next lesson.
That idea was exciting and had put Helena in a better mood when they moved to the firing range where Rinn was waiting for them.
Helena had thought that she would like the target practice, it had been the part of the day that she had been looking forward to the most, because shooting was the first skill Helena had mastered in this new world. It was the first changed yet familiar concept she had to bend her head around. Thermal clips instead of bullets. Different grips, lighter triggers. More accurate aiming. Stabilizers… She hadn't thought about any of these things when they were in the mine. She had simply… flowed. Memory, instinct, all of these and more mixed up with just a little bit of luck. She had killed husks and people alike in the mine.
The mine which she never thought of, or never tried to think of.
The mine in which she had succeeded in keeping her friend alive and failed to save her.
With the gun in her hand, with Rinn beside her and the inhuman targets before her, Helena saw not the gun before her, the one she gripped in her hands but the one Rinn had thrown to her in the mine. Though her body was stationary, she could feel her muscles tense at the memory, as she ran down the corridor towards the door that would save them. She felt now, as she had before, the weight of the gun against her palms, the pressure of hitting the target.
The focus, the silence in her mind amidst everything that transpired around her. Before her she could see, not the target, but the gas cylinder that she had rolled towards the door. She could even hear the slight metallic sound that it made as it moved across the floor and the breathing of the husks behind her. She had caught the gun that Rinn had thrown her, turned and fired.
And missed.
And fired again…
Helena took a shuddering breath as she opened her eyes, not realising that she had closed them. She had dropped the gun to her side, its weight suddenly very heavy in her hands. Anxiety pressed at Helena's skull until she realised that she had not taken another breath yet after her last shot.
Breathe out, her father had told her when he was teaching her to shoot. Shoot between breaths. Don't hold your breath…
Shuddering, aware of the sweat that was running down her neck and between her shoulders, Helena all but gasped to get her first breath back. Then she quickly got her breathing under control, hoping that the others hadn't seen. She glanced back at Yulia, but the asari wasn't looking at her, her gaze focused on her omnitool as she studied the results. Helena didn't need to join her to know how she had done. She had been given ten shots. She had missed with the first, unused to the gun and awkward with her shoulder. She hadn't been able to keep her arm steady on its own so she had locked the brace at a specific angle after her second shot, the one that she had tried to fire with one hand, missed as well. It took another shot to get used that arrangement. To get used to the sensation of her arm all but resting in the brace. To ignore the dull, most probably imaginary pain, that had started up in her shoulder.
She didn't miss again, her shots progressing to the middle with satisfying accuracy. Four of the shots had hit the target dead centre, her grouping tight. Her last two were a bit wider again, both a little bit more to the right than she had aimed. Helena knew the reason, she hadn't been focusing on what she was doing but rather what she had done in the mine. Realising that she was breathing heavily, Helena moved, putting her gun down on the table before her and easing her arm back into place. She realised that she was trembling and that even the back of her legs were sweating now.
What is this? She thought as she tried to shake away the memories of the terror that she had felt in the mine. PTSD?
She was nauseous, but there was no water for her to drink to try and get rid of the sensation. Yulia was looking at her, studying her intently before she turned to Rinn.
"Vorch!" She barked at Rinn, a nickname Helena now knew stood for Vorcha Shit. "Come here and stop embarrassing yourself." Helena glared at her tone and wandered over to see what Rinn's target looked like. She almost cringed, her friend was clearly not a natural. Rinn had seen her look and gave her a goofy smile.
"Told you I was bad," she said. "It's almost a relief." Her gaze touched Helena's and she frowned. "Are you okay?"
Swallowing, Helena smiled and nodded. "Hungry I suspect," she turned back to Yulia. "Can I carry a gun or not?"
The asari gave her a cold smile. "That wasn't entirely the focus of this evaluation," she said. "We're going to teach you some self-defence tricks. Given, I'd rather you come at me with a baton than a gun, but in a field situation, you won't be able to pull this off." She motioned to her tight grouping. "There's no time to adjust your rigging if someone's coming at you. Accept that you are compromised." Her eyes grew harder when she turned to Rinn. "Which is why you have to start focusing."
Her friend's face grew a little harder, but Helena suspected it was because she was defensive. "I've explained the situation to you," she said tightly, referring to her hands. "I can't stop it."
Yulia snorted and made a swiping motion in the air with her hands. She turned her back on Rinn and started walking towards where Helena had put down her gun. "That is not a physical affliction," the asari said harshly. "I've told you before. That is you not getting your head in the game. That is your excuse. And that will be your excuse when someone who depends on you dies."
What made Helena angry was that Rinn simply took it. She simply stood there in the middle of the room while the asari riled at her. Helena felt her temper shift and stormed over to Yulia, motioning to the gun.
"If you let me carry one then she won't have to," she snapped, motioning to her friend. "She has her own skills and I know they'll be able to protect me. This isn't about you turning her into a weapon, this is just…" She didn't know how to finish that sentence but glanced back at Rinn. A wave of hopelessness crashed over her and she wondered suddenly what the hell they were really doing. What was their plan, what was the ultimate goal?
Although she was not forbidden to do so, Helena never went out on her own, never really got the chance to. She was carefully managed, through Liara, through Rinn, through Liara's various contacts who were always conveniently around to assist her and take her around. Even when she went to her quarian friend Da'an. It was easy to forget why they were doing so. Helena didn't consider herself to be important, but she forgot sometimes that others did. They considered her an oracle, a psychic. Even the husk had threatened her with other reaper agents. Helena didn't think about it, because she could not go around looking over her shoulder all the time.
But, in this moment, for just a second, she felt as if she should've.
And, she really should've.
Because without warning, Yulia suddenly reached out and grabbed her…
