Chapter Twenty Nine:
It was his phone that woke them that morning.
He released her and smiled when she leaned forward in search of his body.
He placed the pillow beside her.
She grabbed it and then woke immediately.
"Sorry…I have to answer the phone."
She glanced at the clock and then got up immediately grabbing some things and then heading into the bathroom.
He waited until she was inside and heard the water turn on before he answered.
"Grissom."
"How is she?" asked Brass.
"She slept last night…The phone woke us."
Brass caught the "us" immediately but said nothing.
"How are you?"
"We're going into the lab this morning…the movers will be here to pack everything."
"Has she said anything about where she's going to stay when she gets back?"
"I uhm plan to talk with her later."
"Gil?"
"Yeah?'
"You okay?"
He wasn't.
He was scared.
He knew that she had doubts.
It frightened him to think that she might not want a relationship with him anymore.
He worried about the baby.
He thought of little else.
The baby would be here within three months and neither was prepared.
"Gil…give her time…be patient…just let her know you love her."
"I do," he said quietly.
"You don't sound good…"
"The movers will be here soon. Sara just finished her shower."
"Call me if you want to talk," he said quickly.
Sara stepped out in a robe.
"Anything wrong?" she asked.
"Brass…just checking on you."
"You should shower…I'll see what I can find for breakfast," she said.
She walked past him but stopped.
"Thank you…for coming," she said.
She hurried out and began searching the cabinets and decided they would have to go down to the small café. She dressed just as she heard a tapping on her door.
She let the movers inside.
Grissom stepped into the living room fully dressed.
It was then she noticed him.
He seemed out of sorts.
She knew he had slept little that night even though she had slept well.
"We should get going…I gave the movers the address of the storage facility in Vegas," she said.
They slipped into the back of the lab and managed to avoid a few camera crewmen who were stationed out front.
There were condolences given.
She made her way to personnel and handed Mr. Lewis the resignation.
"Grissom, this is Marty Lewis," said Sara. "Marty this is…"
"No need for introductions, Sara. I met Gil Grissom several years ago."
The two men shook hands.
He looked at the resignation.
"I was afraid of this," he said sitting down and motioning for them to do the same.
"Sara, I wish you would reconsider. The lab could really need you right now. We uhm don't know how to react to all of this. I knew Thomas for over twenty years…hell I worked his wife's death…it was declared an accident."
She swallowed hard. "We uhm never really knew him."
"They uhm excavated his daughter's body from his basement. It was located under a crawl space."
She nodded.
"Ben came to me a few weeks ago and told me he had on a lead on the serial cases. I think he was trying to warn me it was not going to be pleasant. He wouldn't tell me who his prime suspect was but I trusted Ben."
"He had a set of back up files in his apartment," she said.
She handed them to Marty.
"We got the package Mr. Grissom sent."
"Marty, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to work here again. I'm sorry I'm leaving so suddenly but I think it's best."
"If you ever want to return just let me know. You have a job here anytime."
"Thank you," she said as she stood.
She started to walk out when he stopped her.
"Sara, we'll need an address for personnel to process the claim."
"Claim?" she asked.
"You didn't know, did you?"
"Ben Foster listed you as his beneficiary in the event anything ever…we'll need to know where to send the claim once it is processed….there's also the matter of Thomas."
She stared at Marty.
"Thomas had a will…you were the…"
She held up her hand. "I don't want anything… She stopped and took a deep breath. "I have to go."
She stepped out into the hallway.
Grissom shook hands with Marty.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset her."
Grissom walked out and stood beside her.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
"Yes."
She cleaned out her locker.
Ben's was next.
There were photos of them when they had graduated from the academy. There was also a recent newspaper clipping. It had been their first case together since her return to San Francisco. She took the photos and placed them in her bag.
Soon, they were back in the vehicle.
She closed her eyes and she felt him holding her hand.
"I thought we would grab some lunch and then get on the road," said Grissom.
"That would be good…I'm hungry," she said.
She started to grin when he pulled up to a small café.
"You remembered," she said.
"How could I forget," he said. "We met here every day after the lecture. It was the best part of each day…spending time with you," he said.
"Yes, it was…remember when we took that walk on the beach?" she asked smiling.
"I still have that photo," he said. "You looked so happy…your hair was curly that day…you didn't put it up in a pony tail."
"I uhm got sand in my blouse," she said.
His heart was hopeful when the smile remained on her face.
"Kind of hard not to when you're rolling around in it," he said grinning.
They stepped into the café and ate a light lunch.
Once outside, he took her hand.
"Want to go for that walk again?" he asked.
She's still smiling…
She's kept that smile for almost an hour…
This is good…
Brass said to be patient…
I've wasted so much time already…
That smile…
He had not seen her smile in a long time.
They stopped by a bench and removed their shoes. They walked hand in hand saying nothing but enjoying each other's presence. They walked down to the pier and stopped to watch the boats out on the distant shore line.
"I didn't want to leave you back then," he said. "I wanted to stay…but I knew I couldn't. I wanted you to come with me but I didn't know how to ask…you seemed happy here."
"I would have come," she said.
"I did eventually ask you…to come to Vegas," he said.
"Yes…you did," she said. "For all the wrong reasons…but I came."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I missed you…I knew I wanted to be with you…to work with you…I'd fallen in love with you."
"Me too…I just didn't know how to tell you. I should have. I was afraid. You were young…you had your whole life ahead of you. I felt like mine was almost over…I told myself I would be content just to have you near me again but it wasn't enough. I saw how I was hurting you but I didn't know how to stop. I needed you…wanted you…but I felt I couldn't have you."
"But you did…have me eventually."
He smiled. "Yes, I did but then I couldn't get enough of you and I wanted more but didn't know how to get it. I didn't like hiding you like I was ashamed of our relationship. I wasn't. I wanted more…I felt like you did too. I wanted nothing more than to come back from that sabbatical and ask you to marry me. I was willing to give up anything to have you."
She stood there trying to take in what he was saying.
He held her tight.
"I used to plan how I would propose to you. I was scared each time I thought about it….I was afraid you wouldn't want to marry me."
He turned her so they were face to face.
"I often thought about this place….right here on the beach…where I kissed you for the first time…where you got sand in your blouse," he said with a grin.
She smiled.
He returned the smile for a moment but then it faded.
"I wanted nothing more than to get you back here so I could propose to you…to say, Sara will you marry me?"
She stared at him.
"If I had done that, would you have said yes?"
She felt her heart skip a beat and she suddenly felt very lightheaded.
"Sara?"
"I would have said yes," she whispered.
He felt his emotions taking over. All the wasted years flashed before him. He had no one to blame but himself. He stood there now telling himself to breathe as the pain in his chest doubled.
"What if I asked now?" he managed to get out.
The silence told him he was too late.
It hurt.
He had told himself all night not to ask but he had to know. He was tired of not acting.
He no longer chose to hide his emotions.
He no longer feared risks.
He only feared spending the rest of his life knowing that he could have had her but lost her.
"I can't," she managed to get out.
He nodded.
She saw the pain in his eyes and it matched her own.
"I'm sorry Gil…"
"My fault…I did this," he said. "I pulled away for years…hurt you over and over…not your fault."
He held her as he thought he felt her shoulders shake.
He wasn't sure.
He was sure that his did.
He no longer could control the pent up emotions.
"Gil?"
"We should get going," he said.
"Gil, I uhm…"
He released her body but held on to her hand as he guided her back to the bench. He slipped on his shoes and then while she sat, he knelt down and placed her shoes on her feet. He remained there in front of her. Neither bothered to conceal their tears. His hands caressed the bulge that sat in her lap.
"You uhm will let me be a part of his life…I won't interfere in yours…I promise. I just want to be a father…I lost my father when I was nine…I didn't have much experience having one around…I'll try to be a good father…to always be there for him…never let him down. I've let you down so many times," he said just as his voice faltered.
"I never meant to keep him from you…I always intended to tell you but every time I tried I couldn't find the words…by doing so I would have to admit it was over between us. I was waiting until I was strong enough to face that. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you. Every time he moved, I thought of you and how you might react to feel your son. God Grissom, there were times when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die because I missed you so much."
"Sorry…so sorry," he said softly.
"I never stopped loving you," she said.
"I know you don't believe me but I love you…I loved you the moment I saw you in that lecture room with your hair in a ponytail."
She smiled even though she cried.
He reached up and wiped her tear streaked face as he gently kissed her.
"We should be going…"
"Not yet," she said.
He looked around.
The beach was virtually empty.
He started to get up when she placed her hands on his shoulders. He remained there but looked out over the ocean. She gently took his face into her hands and wiped away his own tears.
"I didn't say no…I just can't right now. I can't when I'm still trying to comprehend all of this," she whispered.
He stared at her.
He took a deep breath.
"You're the only person I've ever loved….ever going to love," he said.
She had wanted him to say that to her so many months ago. She would have given anything to hear those words and now he was kneeling there exposing himself to her and she could not accept his proposal. It hurt her to know that the pain he felt was caused by her.
"You're going to be a good father, Grissom. Never doubt that."
He kissed her softly before pulling her up.
Note from author:
I know…the hate mail will commence but you have to realize they need to work out their relationship before she can say yes…
Take deep breath and then leave a review so we can move on.
Take care,
Penny
