"I'm the only one around here that's supposed to make corny, lame jokes!" - Beast Boy

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

THERE IS NO SPOON

Bard, his face red, continued to lead Starfire and a snickering Superboy down a hallway in Mad Mod's virtual reality and tried his best to act as if he hadn't heard his Tammaranian teammate's question.

"C'mon, Bard." Superboy cajoled him with an evil grin. "You gonna answer the girl, or what?"

Bard cast a death glare at the Boy of Steel, but it only succeeded in making the super powered teen laugh.

"Yes," Starfire agreed. "An answer to my question would be most accommodating."

"Ask Robin," Bard muttered as he led them around a corner.

"But Robin is not here." She paused, and Bard could almost feel her thought process. "Do you think he is okay?" She asked. "It can be quite dangerous here and-"

"He can take care of himself." Bard told her, thankful that the subject of their conversation had changed to something less….sexual. "I'm sure he's fine." He looked over at Superboy. "Why don't you explain to her where we are?" He suggested.

Superboy started his explanation to her, but Bard tuned them out as they continued along. He had found Superboy and Starfire. Now he needed to find Raven, Beast Boy, Cyborg and Robin, the latter two would probably be together. Beast Boy would probably in a cafeteria somewhere and Raven… Well, he had no idea where Raven might be. He just hoped she was okay, wherever she was.

Suddenly, Bard stopped and raised his hand, signaling for Superboy and Starfire to stop as well.

"What is it, man?" Superboy wanted to know, but Bard waved him silent.

"Someone's coming," he whispered. "It might be Mod."

The three of them pressed themselves against the wall and waited just beside a corner. Bard slowly gripped his electric guitar and held up three fingers.

Three…..Two…..One…..

"Hyaaaaa!"

"Kyaaaa!"

"Ragggggh!"

"Tyaaaaa!

"Hiyaaaaa!"

Everyone froze and it looked like God had pressed the 'pause' button. Bard had stopped the guitar in mid swing that would have leveled Robin, and the Boy Wonder had three birdarangs between his gloved fingers. Superboy's fist was reared back, Starfire had a flickering green star bolt in her hand and Cyborg had aimed his glowing blue supersonic cannon at the Boy of Steel. They stayed that way for a long moment before taking a sigh of relief and lowering their weapons.

"Are you guys all right?" Robin asked.

Bard nodded.

"More or less," he answered. "We think-" He paused as he noticed something. "Um, Robin…why are wearing an apron?"

"What?" Robin looked down at himself, blushed a crimson red and then savagely ripped the garment away from himself. "I don't know how that got on me…" He simpered.

"Rigggggghhht," Superboy said sarcastically.

"Have you seen Raven?" Bard asked.

Robin shook his head and once again went into 'leader mode'.

"You're the first people we've seen since we've escaped. Anyway, I think we have a big problem here." He told them. "I don't think this is the same place we were in last time. Cyborg and I have looked everywhere, but we can find a control room anywhere. I've got a sinking feeling that we're in a real place this time."

"Control room?" Bard asked.

"Last time Mod got us we were in a big funhouse kinda place and the real Mad Mod was controlling everything from behind the scenes." Cyborg explained.

"I don't think this place is the real deal." Bard said. "I think we're in some kind of virtual reality." He explained his theory to them.

"It's entirely possible." Robin conceded thoughtfully after Bard had finished. "But where would Mod get that kind of technology…and how do we get out?"

"The cane controls everything else in this place, right? Maybe that's it."

"I came up with that, by the way!" Superboy told them quickly.

"You might be right," Robin said.

"The problem me and Superboy had was that we didn't know whether we should go after the cane or find everyone else first." Bard said to Robin. "What do you think?"

Robin rubbed his chin.

"We'll do both," he decided. "If we run into Mod, we can go after the cane, but if we run into Raven or Beast Boy, we'll free'em."

"That's exactly what I came up with." Bard grinned.

"Told you you were a leader," Robin replied. "Now, let's move out!"

Bard felt a bit better as he fell in behind Robin and the others, deciding to bring up the rear. Everyone might call him a leader, but he had never liked being one. The pressure was too much for him. Sometimes he wondered how Robin shouldered that massive responsibility everyday.

"Uh, uh, uh duckies!" Mad Mod's voice came out of nowhere. "No skipping class!"

The Titans searched everywhere with their eyes.

"I don't see him!" Bard called out.

"My cyber optics aren't picking up anything either!" Cyborg announced.

"Cyborg, Robin, get back to your class immediately!" Mad Mod continued. "You didn't even finish baking your cake!"

"Make us!" Robin voiced his challenge, his metal staff at the ready.

"You asked for it, birdie!"

The monster materialized out of thin air. It was a…fudge monster. There was no other way to describe it. It was covered from head to toe with thick, brown fudge and it's eyes were two giant cherries.

"That's the cake?" Superboy asked incredulously. "What in the world did you guys put it in?"

"Titans, go!"

As always, Robin was the first to attack. He leapt up, spun in mid air and catapulted his foot into the monster's chest. But his metal toed shoe simply sank in to the monster's cake body. The Boy Wonder tried to free himself, but it was too late.

WHAM!

The monster smashed his fudge hand hard into Robin's face, freeing him and sending him spinning across the tiled floor.

Cyborg was the next one up to bat. He ran forward and locked hands with the chocolately monster. They vied against each other in a contest of strength, but suddenly the monster changed to fluid and Cyborg tumbled through it. The monster quickly went solid again and back kicked Cyborg to the ground.

Bard blinked.

"I didn't know cake monsters were such good fighters…"

"Hyaaaa!"

Superboy flew forward and flung a super power punch at their foe. His fist hit dead on with the monster's head and fudge splattered everywhere. But then the head rematerialized.

WHAP!

Superboy went flying backwards.

"Ryaaaagh!"

A gaping hold appeared in the fudge monster's stomach from Starfire's star bolt.

"That's it!" Robin called out. "Hit him with energy attacks!"

Bard shot a fireball from his guitar, Cyborg blasted away with his sonic cannon, Robin flung exploding birdarangs and Starfire continued to throw star bolts. In no time at all, the monster was gone, but there was fudge everywhere.

"Let's keep moving," Robin said, seemingly unfazed by the fight. "I wouldn't want this guy to pull himself together or anything."

"No kiddin'," Cyborg agreed.

They continued on quickly, wanting to put as much distance between them and the remains of the fudge monster as possible.

Superboy suddenly grinned.

"Hey, Starfire." He said. "Didn't you have a question you wanted to ask Robin?"

Bard buried his face into his hands with a groan.

"Oh yes, I had nearly forgotten!" Starfire said and looked over at Robin. "Could you answer a question for me, Robin?"

"Sure, Star. I'll try." Though his tone was friendly, he barely looked at her. His eyes were peeled for any kind of danger.

"Well, I wanted to know: What is mas-"

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" A high-pitched voice wailed out.

"Beast Boy!" Bard said.

"It was close, too." Cyborg added.

"This way!" Robin lead them through a door and into a huge cafeteria.

"Stop it!" Beast Boy's voice was strained. "I am so not gonna let you hypnotize me again! Fight it, BB... Don't' look at the screen…Don't look at the screen…!"

The green changeling was strapped to a wall and empty, upright lunch trays were going by on a conveyer belt, each with a black and white hypno screen on it.

"Superboy, Bard, don't look at the screens!" Robin barked, then he leapt forward and quickly freed Beast Boy.

"Thanks," Beast Boy said to him, but then he looked up at the ceiling triumphantly. "Ha! You couldn't hypnotize me this time! How do you like that, huh!" He stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry.

Bard grinned and clapped Beast Boy good naturedly on the back. Meanwhile, Robin was looking around, his hidden eyes analyzing everything in the room.

"This would be a good place to take the cane from Mod." He mused.

"Shouldn't we find Raven first?" Bard asked.

"Maybe," Robin admitted. "But this is the best place for a full scale fight. We want to overwhelm Mod with our superior numbers, but we can't do that if we're in a narrow hallway, right?"

Bard frowned as Robin turned and explained their situation to Beast Boy. The cowboy couldn't dispute the Boy Wonder's logic, but that didn't mean he had to like it…

"A computer program?" Beast Boy asked after Robin was finished.

"Like the matrix," Bard clarified.

"Dude, for real? Awesome!" The changeling exclaimed. "Hey! Maybe I'm the-" He spun around on his heel and fell into a 'cool' pose. "The One!"

"…"

"I'm serious!" Beast Boy burst out. Then he bowed his head and closed his eyes. "There is no spoon, there is no spoon…" He chanted over and over.

Starfire was puzzled.

"Why does Beast Boy wish for eating instruments to cease to exist?" She asked.

"I thought I told you to get back to class, duckies!" Mad Mod bellowed, twirling his cane lightly.

The Teen Titans, minus Raven, spun around to face his voice. Mod was in the flesh this time. He wore a kung-fu suit that was covered with the blue and red British flag pattern all over it.

"Dude, that is so tacky!" Beast Boy quipped.

"Titans, go!" Robin barked. "Get that cane!"

With Robin leading the way, the Titans sprang forward. Bard, on the other hand, whipped out his laser pistol and aimed it at the shagadelic bad guy.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Mad Mod waved his hand at the red blasts as if they were irritating mosquitoes and they reversed their course and came right back at the dumbfounded cowboy.

"Aw, sh-"

Somehow, Bard leapt over the first blast, ducked under the second and spun away from the third. He panted nervously as he looked at where the laser blasts had collided with the wall behind him. Man, he was a lucky dog… He looked up and saw that the rest of the Titans had circled around Mod.

He blinked stupidly.

Here were five of the greatest superheroes on earth and Mad Mod was fending them off like they were toddlers with his cane. Beast Boy had changed into a giant green gorilla, but Mod dodged each time he threw a powerful swipe at him, all the while avoiding Starfire's star bolts. Cyborg tried for his famous left hook, but Mod deflected it easily and kicked him away while deflecting Robin's flurry of staff strikes with his cane. Even Superboy with his superhuman strength and speed couldn't land a single attack. Something was definitely wrong here…

With a rebel yell, he ran forward into the fray, leapt, reared back his fist and-

WHAM!

Plowed it directly into Mad Mod's sharp nose. The villain hit the floor and slid back a couple of feet from the blow.

"You-you hit me!" Mod uttered incredulously, staring at Bard with disbelief.

"Now!" Robin ordered quickly. "Gang up on him!"

Everyone ran forward, but Mod stoop up on his hands and began to spin himself around faster and faster, his outstretched legs much akin to helicopter blades. When he had sufficient space, he flexed his skinny arms and vaulted himself back onto his feet.

"So, you know the secret of this place, huh ducky?" Mad Mod stared right at Bard, more or less totally ignoring everyone else.

Bard didn't reply. He felt two times stronger and faster than he had ever been in his entire life. He tossed his cowboy hat behind him and cracked his neck.

"Haughhh!"

"Raughhhh!"

Both Mod and Bard leapt forward to do battle upon each other, and their blows and counter blows moved so fast that it was hard to follow them. Mod blocked Bard's initial punch and tried to chop into his chest, but Bard ducked in the nick of time. The cowboy tried to land an back elbow, but Mod blocked it with both arms and attempted to sweep his feet from out under him. Bard back flipped over the attack just in the nick of time, hung in midair for a moment and smashed both of his cowboy boots into Mod's chest. As Mod went flying across the room, Bard landed gracefully in a crouch.

"Aw, man!" Beast Boy wailed. "This is so unfair! Why does he get to be 'the One'?"

Bard kept a serious and a suitable 'badass' expression on his face, but inside he felt like grinning from ear to ear. This was fun! Meanwhile, Mad Mod had gotten back up to his feet.

"If this is such a freaky party," he grinned and showed his bad, British teeth. "Then why don't I invite all my friends!"

"Yeah, like you have friends…" Beast Boy joked.

Mod closed his eyes and, all of a sudden, he was joined by three more…Mad Mods?

Maybe this wasn't as fun as Bard thought…

"Okaaaay," Beast Boy sweat dropped. "Why it is that all super villains have to prove me wrong?" He demanded.

"Shag-

"-O-"

"-Del-"

"-Ic!"

The four Mod's charged at Bard, twirling their respective canes. Bard whipped out the metal staff Robin had given him just in time.

CL-CL-CL-CL-CL-CL-CL-CLANK!

Bard had somehow fended off the first volley of cane attack from the four Mods, but-

POKE!

One of the canes flashed beneath his guard and jabbed him deeply in the stomach.

"Oof!"

The air was pushed out of his lungs and he bent over sharply. The middle Mod kicked him right in the face with his platform shoe. He flipped backward through the air at the impact and landed back first on a long lunch table.

Why was it that just about everyone that kicked him wore platform shoes?

"Titans, go!" Robin shouted again after gathering his bearings. "Get the cane!"

"Which one?" Cyborg asked over the roar of his supersonic cannon.

"I don't know! Whichever one you can get your hands on!" Robin answered as he launched himself in the air. "Go!"

For some reason, each of Mod's alter ego's were weaker than the original. The Boy Wonder flipped through the air and planted a metal toed shoe into one Mod, and then bounced off and flung an exploding birdarang at another. The second Mod ducked the projectile, but it stuck in the wall right behind him.

TI-TI-TI-TI-TICK…BOOM!

The concussion of the blast sent Mod flying forward. Robin lunged forward and grabbed his cane.

"Got one!" He announced.

A giant roar from a big, green T-Rex was the only reply the hero received. Robin pressed the button on the cane, but nothing happened. He let out a curse under his breath.

"This one's a dud!" He called out. He brought the cane sharply down on his knee and broke it.

Bard got back up and grabbed a Mod from behind, pinning his arms to his side.

"Now, Cyborg!"

The android didn't have to be told twice.

WHAM!

Mod slumped to the floor unconscious from Cyborg's big metal hook punch. Bard picked up the cane from his unfeeling hands and pushed the button.

"No good," he said, throwing the cane away.

"Aw, well." Cyborg replied. "Two down and two to go!"

Across the room, the T-Rex whipped around his tail and smacked one of the two remaining Mods across the room….right into a star bolt power right punch from Starfire.

KABLAM!

Mod hit the ground hard, smoking. Beast Boy picked up the cane.

"Not this one either!" He said. Everyone turned and looked at the last remaining Mod.

"That's right," he told them. "I'm the real deal! And this is the real cane! C'mon and get it if you can, duckies!"

All the Titans stepped forward. Bard hummed under his breath and held a blazing fireball in his hand, Robin was posed with three birdarangs between his fingers and Starfire's hands were glowing with two green star bolts. Beast Boy changed into a huge, slavering emerald grizzly bear, Superboy flexed his muscles with a boyish grin and Cyborg had his supersonic cannon aimed and powered up.

Mad Mod put a finger to his collar, sweat dropped and laughed nervously.

"…." He turned and bolted for the door.

"After him!" Robin barked out, but there was no need. Just as Mod entered the doorway out-

POP!

An exotically colored fist came out of nowhere and hit Mod right in the teeth Raven walked into the room, gracefully reached down and grabbed the cane. Then she looked at the other Titans.

"Can we go now?" She droned.

The Titans stared.

"Raven, where have you been?" Robin, Bard and Beast Boy asked at almost he same time.

Raven blinked, but then her face went stony.

"I don't want to talk about it,"

"C'mon, Raven." Cyborg said. "It couldn't have been any worse than Home Ec.!"

The dark sorceress looked at her teammate for a long time. Then, she dispassionately opened her cloak….to reveal a cheerleading outfit.

Cyborg and Beast immediately fell over laughing, Robin chuckled and Bard smiled.

"Whoa, you look hot in that thing, Raven." Superboy grinned lecherously. Bard elbowed him hard in the side. "Ow! It was a compliment!"

"Compliment yourself," Bard grated.

Superboy waved a hand through his wavy black hair and put on his red, mirrored shades.

"They're aren't enough hours in the day, my man."

Bard laughed in spite himself.

"I can't take anymore of this…" Raven muttered and pushed the button on the cane.

FLASH!

Bard awoke in some kind of white, metallic pod. He pushed the screen off the top of his coffin-like confinement and stepped out. Sure enough, he was clad in only a pair of dark blue gym shorts. Silently, Raven walked over to him, unfastened her cloak and put it around his shoulders.

Maybe she did sleep in that thing…

"Thanks," he said to his half sister.

Raven didn't reply.

"No time to celebrate yet." Robin told them. "We still have to find the real Mod!"

"I don't think that'll be a problem." Superboy grinned. He sat on a desk in the corner of the room, reached blindly behind him and nonchalantly picked the old man up by the scruff of his neck.

Everyone smiled.

"Book'em, Dan-o!" Bard joked.

"…"

"Hey!" Beast Boy protested. "I'm the only one around here that's supposed to make corny, lame jokes!"

Everyone burst out laughing.

"I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard you say." Cyborg told him. Then he went to study the pods and the main control panel where Mod had been hiding.

"Hmph," Beast Boy turned away offended and crossed his arms over his chest.

"All right, good job team." Robin complimented them. "Now, let's move out!"

One by one, the Titans left the lab until only Bard and Superboy were left in the room.

"That's a good look for you." Superboy said sarcastically to him.

"Ha, ha, very funny." Bard replied, but then he paused "Well, it looks like we got out of their with our skin in tact…"

Superboy nodded.

"Ya know…there's nothing between me and Raven, right?" The Boy of Steel said then. "When we went to the mall, she pretty much told me that she'd rather kill me than date me."

Bard tried his best not to grin at that, but only half succeeded.

"Well, if we're gonna be teammates, we might as well be friends, right?" Bard said to him. Hesitantly, the two boys shook hands.

"I don't, by the way." Superboy said as the two of them walked towards the door.

"Don't what?"

"Have X-ray vision,"

"Good," Bard grinned. "Now I don't have to kill you."

Both of them laughed at that.

"Robin, Robin!" Starfire was saying as the two of them entered the hallway. "Wake up!"

Bard and Superboy quickly went over to where Starfire was kneeling over an unconscious Robin.

"What happened? Bard demanded, looking around for any danger.

"I do not know!" Starfire answered, still shaking Robin to wake him up. "All I did was ask him a question!"