The tension between the twins, Kaito thinks, is getting so bad that even a blind man could see it. They've been that way ever since Zero disappeared into his room that other day and Ichiru went in after him. When they came out they were both… different. Not angry with each other exactly, but something was definitely off. Kaito's been watching them closely ever since, wondering whether it was an actual fight they had and if it was, whether he should do something about it or not. Normally he'd let them work it out themselves, but normally they'd be over it by now.
While it might seem like Kaito is blowing things out of proportion, his argument is that the twins not getting along, and for this length of time? That shit is unnatural. It's almost worse that they're not outright fighting, because at least if they were he could do something about it. This here, though — he can't do shit. Ichiru is the peacemaker of their family, not him. His job is sincerely and forever: to only ever fuck things up, not mediate them.
The main problem is that waiting for this to end is getting on his nerves, and since he's been banned from smoking (thanks to the baby and Seiren), his nerves are pretty damn shot.
Fight, you two, he wants to yell at them. It's the best, and therefore fastest way knows, of sorting out an argument. Punch it out, make up. No more of this passive-aggressive bullshit. But the last time he offered Ichiru this sound advice though all he got was a dirty glare, and when he tried broaching the subject with Zero he almost lost a tooth.
To be fair, the thing with Zero was following a previous Fuck Up, so he was already on dangerous ground when he'd tried getting him to talk. He'd foolishly opened with: "So Ichiru tells me you're feeling kinda blue. What gives — " to which Zero almost beheaded him with a look so cutting he nearly soiled himself. Admittedly, it wasn't the most tactful thing he could have said, but the truth is — when Ichiru had come to him saying that Zero was depressed and this was what their disagreement had been about, Kaito got so scared that he went straight into denial about it, laughing it off because no. He cannot accept his baby brother being depressed. It cannot happen. End of.
Kaito knows what depression is like. Intimately. They all do, each in their own way. For Kaito, it isn't a kind of darkness or hopelessness or lack of feeling as some people describe it. It's a screaming, raging monster clawing at his back, tearing at his flesh till there is only bone. It is crying till his eyes are swollen shut and he cannot breathe. It is the sound of two gunshots and the deafening silence that came after.
He knows that Zero's own version is probably quite different to his, but cannot imagine Hell being anything else because that is what it is to him. That's why he plays it down, even if it is a horribly insensitive and cruel thing to do. He knows denial doesn't stop bad things from happening, but agreeing that this is what Zero is going through feels fundamentally wrong. Kaito cannot lose Zero to this. Nor Ichiru. Nor any of the others.
(He has already lost far too much of himself.)
Kaito is so focused on his brothers that were he paying more attention to other things, he might have noticed that he was finding less and less of his belongings being misplaced in recent days, and the butt-grabbing and rib-tickling has pretty much dwindled down to nothing. As it is, he is far more interested in fixing the current family-drama than keeping tabs on his inventory and personal space. So he doesn't.
When he does realise something's up, he squints at his toothbrush suspiciously, surprised to find it where he last left it and not on the windowsill. Or in the fridge.
This oddity makes him slightly more aware that his personal poltergeist has sort of… gone on hiatus, but honestly? He doesn't think much of it, because like — why would he? As far as he's concerned: good riddance. Either the hooligan has learnt his lesson or gotten bored and he, for one, is fucking glad he outlasted the little bastard. It does not once cross Kaito's mind that there might be a reason for this, or that this might be a possible red flag to take notice of. No sir. Instead of thinking oh dear, he thinks thank the Lord, and chooses to leave things the fuck alone.
It's a decision he'll come to regret, but hey. What's new?
And so life goes on.
And it is a dull, repetitive cycle. They putter around like zombies, communicating via sullen looks and grunting. Occasionally someone says something but otherwise they have gotten sick of hearing each others' voices. They fell into a heavy silence which was peaceful for a while, but as often happens when one is left to ruminate one's thoughts, it soon became suffocating. The twins are still not speaking. Kaname is being oddly distant too, though he remains devotedly by Zero's side, and as far as Kaito can see (and as much as he cares to see), the lovebirds are doing alright. Their united front leaves Ichiru with Seiren — both of whom have decided to immerse themselves in playing an endless stream of boardgames. Kaito wanted to join but backed out when he saw… how they were playing. He doesn't remember Checkers being such an aggressive game, and since when did Snakes and Ladders involve betting, penalties and dares?
It might be strange, but since Kaito's largely been left to do his own thing, he kind of… misses being the victim of the baby's shenanigans. In a way, it was sort of flattering to be the one the baby chose to latch onto (even if it was bloody annoying) and now… now, he hates to admit it, but he's also kind of worried. How long has it been since the baby last flicked him on the nose? Or tickled his ankles as he passed Zero by?
Suddenly, being the only one who knows about the baby becomes a burden. Kaito is torn between hovering around Zero, hoping his presence will tempt the baby, and wondering why the heck he's considering risking life and limb for this kid who loves to bully him. The sour looks he gets from Zero keep him at a wary distance, but also push him to be more obnoxious, because hell — that's the way Kaito works. He doesn't mean to be an asshole. He just is. They all know this.
He starts displaying himself to the baby (which feels like a totally bizarre and inappropriate thing to do, but heck — if this doesn't get the baby going, nothing will). So he (bravely) swings his hips as he walks and twirls his keychain around his fingers so they jangle enticingly. He leaves his clothes out everywhere, and one night when he's feeling particularly bold enough to do so, he even splays himself over Zero and Kaname's laps like a delicious feast, but still. Nothing happens. This is when he considers giving up. His ass and reputation are on the line. He's basically flirting with his nephew here, and all he's getting is a lot of judging looks from the others and a fat load of nothing from the baby. What more can he do?
Kaito sinks to the floor, weighed down by guilt and regret. His mind is screaming at him that something is definitely wrong. Why didn't he mention this to someone sooner? Why did he brush this off as unimportant when everything to do with the baby has always been important from the moment he was fucking conceived? He doesn't know how he can tell the others he chose to ignore these warning signs instead of telling someone because he thought he knew better. He should have said something. He should have told someone.
… but why hasn't Zero noticed anything? Or Kaname? They are the ones closest to the baby. Shouldn't they have noticed something instead of, or before him, at least? He ponders this, studying them and wondering how they could have missed what Kaito has seen, but the more he watches the more he thinks he knows why.
They aren't just bored or frustrated with the situation they're in. They look completely exhausted. Even as they sit close together, holding hands and cuddling — the more Kaito looks, the more he sees that they are slumped against each other, practically holding each other up. Their hands are white from clutching each other so tightly, and when they look up at him when his antics bring him into their space, their eyes are dull and… and it's no wonder they haven't noticed. They are struggling just as it is to cope with everything.
Which means he's left with the responsibility of deciding what to do about what he knows. Responsibility is not something Kaito enjoys having. At all.
The baby's silence makes him nervous — but this? This is fucking terrifying.
He's been sitting on this far too long already, and eventually it's going to be brought to light because the baby can't stay inside Zero forever. Eventually it's gonna come out, and when it does… Kaito shudders, thinking about a small, lifeless body slipping out of Zero's body. Thinking that it'll be his fault if that happens. It will be another life on him. Another life he should have been able to save.
These days time passes too quickly for anything to be done, and so it slips away from him. When Ichiru shakes him out of his daze to tell him they're all going to bed now, he follows him to their room blindly and lies on his bed. It's no surprise he cannot sleep. His worries and fears are too loud to ignore. We've fallen into a false sense of security, he thinks, lulled by the belief that we are safe so long as we stay in this safe-house. But the things that are dangerous to us are not just found in the world outside. Each day is a repeat of the day previous, but thinking that it will always be like this is foolish. Things change. They always change. Life never stays still, no matter how much it might seem like it does. Kaito looks at Ichiru's sleeping face in the bed across from him and thinks to himself: he doesn't know. He went to bed thinking that nothing was wrong.
But it is. He knows it is.
And somehow Kaito knows that things are going to change tomorrow. The others didn't know — they put their heads to pillows believing that tomorrow will be the same as today, but it won't. It won't.
Tomorrow he will apologise for not saying anything, and then he will tell them.
Tonight, he prays tomorrow won't be too late.
Zero dreams. It's the snow-dream again. He fast-forwards through it with far more detachment than he used to. Repetition has dulled everything. Even the heartache and grief. The blinding snow, the crushing weight on his body. It's all so routine that he doesn't bat an eyelash.
When Zero wakes though, that's when things start getting interesting.
He swings his legs around and levers himself up from the bed, and something inside him drops. Half-asleep, he doesn't take much notice, more intent on getting to the kitchen. Where the food is. When he gets there, Seiren pours him a fresh mug of tea and Ichiru gives him a tight smile. The windows are fogged over with condensation. He grabs the stick they use to reach them which is resting against the counter, and stretches up to jab them open.
Kaname pushes Kaito's legs off one of the chairs so he can sit down. Instead of grumbling, Kaito skitters off to the side almost meekly which is strange enough to give Zero pause, but he dismisses it. He's been acting pretty weird recently anyway, so this odd behaviour is nothing new. Zero frowns when Kaito sits up, lifting his head in a way to signal he's about to speak, but just as he does — Zero coughs into his mug, spraying spit and tea all over him. Kaito recoils from him and then makes as if to yell at Zero, but then Seiren is there slamming her hand under his jaw to keep it closed, so quick and forceful he almost bites off his own tongue.
Kaname leaps to his feet, rushing to Zero's side and holding his hand out for Ichiru to pass him tissues. He mops up the mess, keeping a hand on Zero's back to soothe him through his hacking coughs. Seiren shoves Kaito aside, chair screeching against the floor. She starts barking orders, sending the men scurrying around, but for all that Seiren is being perfectly helpful, all Zero wants right now is for her to shut up and give him some fucking space, for fuck's sake.
She thinks she knows everything. She's read a lot of books, yes. She's watched videos and interviewed doctors and shadowed them in practice, yes. But she doesn't know. She doesn't know what it's like to have your insides rearranged without your permission and a little person doing crazy gymnastics inside you.
Right now, the baby has done something weird. He can't describe it. The baby shook inside him like an earthquake, and there was a sharp twisting pain near the base of his spine, and now… oh it's a dull ache. Zero clutches at the edge of the table, fingers squeaking against the wet polished wood.
Kaname sniffs at him, eyes dilating and then he stands suddenly. His chair clatters to the floor.
"Seiren," he says sharply, and it's like she's been waiting for this. She moves — wrapping her fingers around Zero's and gently prying them from the table.
He's coming, Zero thinks, scrabbling uselessly at the table. From silence to mayhem. Kaito swears loudly, staring at him like he's grown tentacles. Zero shakes his head, gasping when Seiren grabs him by the armpits and pulls him to his feet.
"Breathe," she says, her head bobbing around in front of him as she tries to catch his eye. "Zero, it's going to be okay. We need to get you to the bathroom now. Can you walk?"
Of course he can walk. The pain is not — it's not the problem here. The panic though, is. His legs feel like wood, and his head is spinning. He grabs Kaname's arm and nods.
"Good. I'll meet you there. I need to go get things ready." And then she's gone. Zero sucks in a deep breath and presses his face against Kaname's throat.
"I need one of you to go outside," Kaname says, startling him. What? Oh, he's talking to his brothers. "Check that all the windows are locked. Make sure everywhere is closed and airtight. We don't want anyone outside smelling or hearing any of this. After that, go outside and keep watch. Only one of you must go, though," he insists, squeezing Zero's arms when he starts listing to the side. "We'll be needing someone to help us with… with this. Decide who'll do what, and be quick about it." And then he's leading Zero away.
The bathroom. Why are they going to the bathroom? The women on TV always give birth in bed. Then again, they're usually at hospital, not home. Suddenly it occurs to Zero that they have not had the obvious cue to signal that he's gone into labour. He digs his heels in, stopping Kaname.
"Wait, I don't think…" he rasps, and then clears his throat, "I think it's a false alarm," he says more loudly. "My water's not broken. I don't think it's time yet."
Kaname shakes his head urgently, "No, Zero, it is. I can smell it. I don't know how you can't, but it's happening. Come on."
Zero nearly bites through his lip, wanting to argue — wanting to deny that this is happening, but Kaname can smell it and he thinks Seiren could too, which is why she reacted so quickly. He is probably too overwhelmed for his senses to register anything, but the more he adjusts to the adrenaline coursing through his body, the more he can smell it too. A faint wisp underneath the heavy smell of blood. Something that smells oddly sweet.
When they get to the bathroom, Kaname tosses some towels on the floor and starts pulling Zero's pants off. He shivers, and out of nowhere starts crying.
This makes Kaname pause.
"Hey," he says softly, kneeling and tapping his shoulder for Zero to hold onto. Once he's tugged his pants off each ankle, Kaname looks up at him and smiles. Zero is again filled with the same urge he had before with Seiren to smack that foolish expression off his pretty face, but then Kaname takes his hands and kisses them, and him kneeling before him, patiently looking up at him like they have all the time in the world… that makes Zero's heart stutter. It's like shelter from a storm. He sucks in a deep breath and nods.
Then the door bangs open and Seiren strides in, dragging Kaito along by the ear.
"My glamorous assistant," she says dryly. Kaito cringes seeing Zero semi-naked, but then his eyes fly between him and Kaname kneeling in front of him… and he starts back-pedalling wildly. "Oh no you don't." Seiren grabs him before he can escape. Then she starts ordering him to do this and that, and… and Zero's mind shuts down.
What happens next, he can't rightly say. They swirl around him in a blur. He sees snatches of their faces, their expressions ranging from calm and focused (Seiren) to awed (Kaname) to scared shitless (Kaito). He himself feels nothing, and is so removed from the situation that… that he wishes his twin was here to help him. Ichiru has always been better at connecting to his emotions than Zero. Right now he wants him so much it is less a want and more a need.
He goes from half-dressed to stark naked, from dry and cold to hot and sweaty. Somehow he goes from being on all fours to a squatting position. Seiren tells him into how to squat properly, nudging his ankles apart and telling him to hold onto Kaname for support. In this position his belly hangs low to the floor, and he can feel it pressing down on his pelvis. He stares blankly ahead, breathing when Kaname tells him to, distantly aware of the world moving around him.
Then it is a waiting game.
Pressure builds inside him, the pain swells and his organs shift and contract inside him. It grows and grows until it becomes unbearable and Zero thinks he might throw up. He clutches at Kaname, gritting his teeth as a wave rises up in him, curdling his insides and flying out of him in a burst of intense burning. At first he thinks he's hearing white noise, but then he realises it is him — hissing through his teeth like a snake.
"Okay I think it's time to do the thing," Kaito says from behind him. He doesn't know what he means, but when he tries to ask, a loud warbling groan comes out instead. Kaito shuffles closer and reaches around him to tap Kaname's wrist. "C'mon, Kuran. Boss-lady said to give him a hand."
Kaname nods and bows down to press his forehead to Zero's. He grimaces at the flush of heat his proximity brings, but then — his pain is blown away, and all of a sudden he can breathe. There is the barest hint of pressure left inside him. A gentle tide, instead of crushing waves. He opens his eyes to find Kaname staring at him.
"No magic," he pants out. Kaname darts in to kiss him and pulls back smiling.
"No magic," he agrees, "It's us — our Bond. It means I'll always be able to reach you, magic or not. I'm here, Zero. I'm right here."
Zero sobs and even hears Kaito sniffling behind him. He shifts backwards a little to nudge his brother in reassurance, but unfortunately that little movement is what causes his water to break. There is a popping sound and then it gushes out of him and once again Kaito is drenched by him.
"Fucking heck."
Zero gasps, the pressure dropping and then picking up again in a nauseating wave. He whines, pressing his chin into his chest, and then Kaname is cradling the back of his neck and his voice is a buzz in his head. The smell of blood gets stronger. Zero's breath hitches, and right at that moment Seiren bursts into a room and clicks a finger at Kaito. "You. Up."
He scrambles out of the way and she takes his place behind Zero which allows her to examine him, he realises, much to his horror. She hums thoughtfully. "Won't be long now," she decides, prodding at him. "Yup." Her voice has a smile to it. "It's all up to you now, Zero. Do what your body tells you to. When you need to push — push. If you don't feel anything happening, stop and let me guide you. Got it?"
Zero grunts.
"Okay. Let's do this. Kaito — go check on Ichiru. It won't do to have you fainting on us and I won't have you contaminating this area with vomit either."
"I can handle it," Kaito growls, staying rooted at Zero's side. He blinks through tears to find him glaring at Seiren. Despite him finding this very touching, Zero can't help but notice that Kaito does look rather peaky, and he knows he cannot keep him here — especially with half his mind stuck on his other, currently absent brother who is all alone outside.
"Go," he croaks, meeting Kaito's eyes. Strangely enough, there is guilt there. Zero brushes that aside in favour of making sure Kaito listens to him. "He needs you."
"Are you sure?" Kaito asks, sounding oddly young.
Zero huffs out a laugh. "You've helped enough," he says, smirking at Kaito's wet clothing. "Go get changed, and make sure he's alright."
Kaito nods, rising to his feet. He hesitates and then drops a quick kiss on Zero's temple before leaving in a flurry of motion that makes Zero's skin prick with goosebumps.
Seiren grabs his hips to steady him as another contraction hits, and then he is lost to feeling and time. Kaname keeps the pain from getting to him, but that leaves him mostly numb, so Seiren has to tell him when to push. It's all very disorientating.
The following hour is the strangest of his life. Not beautiful. Not ugly. Not as frightening or difficult as he'd expected either. He stops feeling embarrassed by the noises he makes, and no cares about his nakedness or how bad he smells. At some point he has to pee, and does so between them both. Neither Kaname nor Seiren so much as blink when this happens. Kaname just holds Zero steady, wipes him clean, pours water into his mouth and lets him gnaw at his shoulder.
"He's here," Seiren says suddenly.
Zero frowns. "Here? He's not — "
There is no way to numb this burning. It flares between his legs, and his insides lurch downwards, and then —
The pressure is gone. Kaname's pain-reducing shield weakens allowing Zero to feel the shudder of his last contraction, and then there is a cold empty space where the baby used to be. He's out. Zero looks down at the umbilical cord trailing between his ankles. It leads down to where the baby is. He turns to look, but loses his balance.
"Careful!" Seiren calls, crashing to her knees so she can follow him. Kaname makes a strange noise which has Zero glancing up — he's staring over his shoulder though, and his expression is like nothing Zero's ever seen before. Seiren sighs in relief, "Your umbilical cord is rather short. Stay still. We don't want to rupture anything."
"R-Rupture…?" Zero stammers, shivering. Kaname rubs his arms, though his attention is more on the baby than him — Zero doesn't blame him. He wants to see him too, and cranes his neck around trying to catch a glimpse. He can hear Seiren doing something behind him. A bloody, grimy towel is tossed to the side. Zero clings to Kaname, a headache forming as he wracks his brain, trying to figure out what's wrong. What's missing. Something is definitely wrong, but he cannot work out what.
Then it hits him — it's quiet.
Too quiet.
"Why isn't he crying?"
Babies are meant to cry, especially after being born… aren't they? Most of what Zero knows about childbirth comes from TV so he's not really sure if that's true, but they always cry there, so this… this can't be good. Zero's mind spins. He cannot understand... is he dead? Stillborn? They made it this far — all the way to the finish line, and now this. Yuuki's hollow voice rings in his head: you need to be careful. Even though the baby is Kaname's… you never know what might happen.
But… no. He was just starting to warm up to the idea of having him. Of raising and possibly loving this child he originally didn't want. He's been in his mind and seen wonders in there. That's when things changed for Zero — that's when he began to see that this was not just any child, but his child. His baby.It cannot end here, he thinks brokenly. It cannot end like this.
"Calm down, Zero."
Seiren's voice is loud, but he cannot hear her.
"It's alright. This happens sometimes. Not all of them cry," Seiren says, but before Zero can find comfort in this, Kaname asks:
"But is he breathing?"
Seiren doesn't answer.
"Is he breathing?" Zero repeats. His whole body is on fire when he moves, but he lifts one foot and carefully steps over the cord, swivelling round to see despite Seiren's loud protests. The baby is much smaller than he expected, his skin a strange grey, and the umbilical cord pulled taut over his chest so it hangs across one bent leg. It looks absurdly thick and grotesque against his small, unmoving chest.
Absently, Zero notes that the baby has a full head of hair, though he knows this probably isn't the time to mention it.
Seiren has him in her lap and is using a bulb syringe to suck mucus from his mouth and nose. Somehow she is managing to do this, mind the cord and keep an eye on Zero at the same time, but Zero can see that her hands are shaking.
"It can take a little longer sometimes," she insists, rubbing the boy's tiny chest briskly with the towel once his airways are clear. She watches him closely, looking for something. Then she mutters something under her breath and then turns to Kaname. "Get him lying down."
Kaname does so without question, moving Zero so he's on the towels with his back propped against him. He wipes Zero's skin dry and — and Zero feels lightyears away, his eyes glued to his son. The next thing he knows, Seiren is putting him on Zero's chest. His hands instinctively come up to cup the tiny thing, but after that he freezes, not knowing what to do.
"No," he blurts, and tries to shove the baby back at Seiren but Kaname stops him. "He needs her," Zero protests.
"He needs you." Kaname turns their son so he lies belly-to-belly with Zero and then rubs a hand firmly up and down his back. "Come on, baby," he begs, rubbing a little faster. "Breathe."
"Breathe," Zero echoes, staring down at the small slack face. Shaking all over, he realises he is terrified, not of the baby — but for him. After everything they've been through, after everything that's happened. "Please," Zero chokes out. Kaname rocks them side to side, a litany of pleas and nonsense spewing from him.
Then Kaname goes totally rigid under Zero. He takes his hand away from the baby, and this one action cements the dread that was growing inside Zero. A sob rips out of him. After all we've been through, and now this.
But then the sweet, rich smell of blood bursts into the air and Zero stops crying. He knows that scent.
Kaname's hand reappears in front of him, blood dripping from a deep gash in his wrist.
"Open his mouth," he says. Zero balks, but does as asked, using two fingers to gently pry open the baby's lips. Kaname drips blood into his mouth and then uses his fingers to keep his lips open. "And now you."
Without thinking, Zero bites into his own wrist. It doesn't even hurt. Nothing does anymore. He doesn't know where Kaname is going with this, but copies him — dripping his own blood onto the baby's tongue.
And that does it.
Suddenly, he comes to life.
A tiny pink tongue laps clumsily around and coughs out some, and then his lips smack and he squeaks. His skin — which was going blue before — flushes in splotches of red, and his chest heaves in one breath, and then another. And another. And another.
Zero's own breath punches out of him, and his chest aches — it's only then that he realises he'd stopped breathing too. His baby is alive. He's alive. They did it. As if to confirm this, the baby wriggles his arms and legs, curling them up close and tight to his body. His eyes blink open once, squinting up at the blinding bright surroundings of The World Outside The Womb and then, deciding it's too bright for him, he closes them again. Zero jumps when Kaname starts laughing hysterically, and for the third time that day he wants to punch somebody because instead of laughing along with him — he ends up crying. Damn hormones.
"Zero," Seiren says, beaming down at him. "Congratulations, you did it." She brushes the baby's cheek with the tips of her fingers. "Good job, mom. Now for Part Two."
He gawks. "Part — Part Two? Hold on." She clicks her tongue. "Come on, Seiren, please — "
The front door slams open and two sets of feet come thundering in.
Once again Kaname turns to stone beneath him, but this time he slips out from under him and crouches so his knees are bunched up. It reminds him of a cat preparing to pounce. He scoops Zero up — ready to carry him off to safety, Zero realises, should the need arise. Clearly Kaname is beyond rational thought and all-instinct now, otherwise he'd have recognised the footsteps of the people rushing to meet them.
Ichiru comes in first, all smiles and tear-filled eyes — then Kaito slams into his back and they both topple in together.
"Holy wow," Ichiru gasps, staring at them in wonder. "Wow. Oh my gosh, he's so small!"
"Hullo, ickle beastie," Kaito says gruffly, though his eyes are also wet. He stares at the baby for a long moment. "Yeah. You're... you're not much, you know. What do you weigh? Six pounds? That's like, a bag of flour." The baby snuffles. Kaito looks pained. "Yeah, you're tiny. Why don't you… why don't you try picking on someone your own size, huh?"
"Kaito," Ichiru chides, though he looks confused by his brother's rambling. They all do.
"What." Kaito sniffs, rubbing his reddening face. "He's so, he's just so… I want to fight him."
"What the…" Ichiru eyes him for a second, and then bursts out laughing, "Oh my god you think he's cute!"
Kaito sputters, but then —
"Ichiru, Kai," Zero calls, beckoning them over. Kaname halts them though, as they approach.
"How did you know to come in right now?" he demands warily. "Did you notice anything? Did something happen?"
"Well of course something happened," Kaito drawls, gesticulating wildly. "Were you not right here when the kid was born? I don't know how you could have missed it."
"Missed what?" Zero asks impatiently.
"Tell 'em," Kaito tries to nudge Ichiru, but finds his elbow connecting with thin air. Ichiru has gone to kneel beside Zero — entirely uncaring of the mess — and is now cooing over the baby. Kaito rolls his eyes. "Fine, I'll tell 'em. It was like a nuke going off. Something really big exploding from god-knows-where. I dunno how you could've missed it, but from the look on both your faces, neither of you did. What about you, Seiren?"
"I felt it," Seiren nods. "Like something in the world shifted. Like when we first knew of the baby's existence, but this time was more… intense." She turns to Zero. "You were probably too distracted to notice it."
Zero deadpans. "I was a little busy, yes."
"I sense a great disturbance in the Force," Ichiru whispers. And then. "A super cute disturbance." He winks at his nephew.
"And what does it feel like now?" Kaname presses, ignoring him. "Can you still feel it strongly, or has it faded away?"
"I dunno," Kaito shrugs. "Kind of? It's sorta… both easy and difficult to get used to. Imagine the Sun's suddenly started beating down hotter on us. You can't escape it and you can't not notice it, and it's everywhere, it's… it's changed everything. But at the same time, everything is technically the same and looks the same. It just doesn't feel the same, but… yeah. You get used to it." He scratches his head.
"Well," Kaname says, deflating. "I suppose that's what we were expecting."
"Um, Zero," Ichiru interrupts, hands flapping around, "I think you're. Uh. Leaking."
"What?" He looks down to where Ichiru's staring. "Oh no."
Before Zero can panic any further, Seiren scoots over to help adjust the baby so his mouth clamps around his right nipple. He half-expects to feel tiny fangs puncturing his flesh but it doesn't happen. The sensation is more alien than anything he could have imagined, but Seiren shushes him when he starts squirming.
"Don't. He needs it," she tells him, and Kaname's words come back to him: he needs you, he needs you. He leaves him to it after that, careless of the fact that Kaito is caught between gawking at him and half-hiding behind his hands. This close to the baby, he can feel and hear his heart beating fast like a frightened mouse, and every breath he takes pressing against his own chest. Despite the warmth radiating between them, every other part of him is cold.
"Okay, Zero. As I was saying before — now for Part… Part Three, I suppose," Seiren mumbles, bending over and taking hold of the umbilical cord. It's become paler and the faint pulsing has weakened further. "Time to cut this," she says, clamping it an inch from the baby's stomach, and then an inch further along. "Want to do the honours?" she asks, offering scissors to Kaname.
He carefully cuts between the two clamps, and the moment he does, Zero feels it.
It's not a physical pain, but as the last tendrils of the connection between him and the baby are severed the connection he has to the baby's mind is closed. He hasn't any time to process it before Seiren reappears in front of him and hauls his legs up and out, settling between them and grasping his knees.
"And now for the final act."
They wait for what seems like ages for the afterbirth, and when it comes — when it leaves him, Zero feels drained of everything. Even though the contractions were hardly noticeable, and after a quick examination Seiren announces it's perfectly intact, it took the last of him. Were he conscious enough, he might have worried about dropping the baby during this dizzy spell, but as it is — he's too tired to care. Getting him up and out of the bathroom is no small feat, but somehow they manage it. The next thing he knows — he's cleaned up, tucked in and half-asleep in bed. The others are there too — Kaname beside him, Ichiru on the other side, Kaito by his feet and Seiren by his knees. Groggily, it dawns on him that… they did it.
It's over. It's done.
The baby is sleeping on his chest, and now that most of the muck is cleaned off him, Zero can smell something other than blood. He hunches closer to sniff at the crown of his head and hums in surprise. Not a scent he'd have expected from a brand new child. It's rich and smoky, like… like…
"Smells like coffee, doesn't he?"
Amazingly enough, it's Kaito who says this. They share a look, and then he quickly looks away. Embarrassed, perhaps.
"Or dirt," he tacks on halfheartedly.
Zero snorts.
Thing is. Kaito isn't wrong.
The scent is deep and does remind him of soil that has been newly tilled, mixed with the light sweetness of petrichor. It's fresh and fruity and… and 'dirt' sounds bad. He doesn't want to say 'dirt', but the fact of the matter is that he does smell like earth, only in a good way.
Absently, he wonders why every child he's come across so far in life has been connected to dirt or mud in some way. Was this common among all children?
"Am I… wearing a nappy?" He wiggles around, definitely feeling something itchy scrunching in his pants.
Seiren nods. "You might bleed a few days more."
He sighs.
"And did I… did I feed him before? With myself?" Zero asks, plucking at the collar of his shirt. It's pointless. He can't see anything with the baby resting right above his heart.
"Yup." Ichiru grins. "You did great, nii-san!" He frowns. "Stop laughing, Kai. Tell him he did good, or shut the hell up."
"We should leave him," Seiren says. "He needs to sleep. Come on, you two." She tries to herd his brothers out of the door, but only Ichiru moves. Kaito sprawls over Zero's legs and flips over to stare up at her defiantly. When she raises a brow at him, he mirrors her.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he sneers. "I didn't think me lying here, all quiet and such, would stop him sleeping. Did you want me to leave, Zero?" he asks rather pointedly.
Zero blinks at the ceiling. "I can't feel my feet." Kaito quickly rolls over. "Better." He thinks, considering the likelihood of him getting any sleep with Kaito in the room. "If you don't talk, fart or try to fight the baby, you can stay. Provided you do that, I won't have Seiren expel you from the room. With force."
"Deal."
Immediately Ichiru flops back onto the bed, snuggling into Zero's other side and twisting around to beg Seiren with his eyes. She shakes her head. "Oh no. I'm done for today." On her way out, she looks at Zero seriously, "You did do very well, you know. You should be proud of that."
"I… thanks. For everything."
Her smile is small and tired, but warm. She glances at the baby. "Call if you need any help. But otherwise, try to get some sleep. You'll be needing it."
The door closes, leaving them in darkness. Zero closes his eyes and simply breathes long and deep. Dirt. Coffee. Blood. Antiseptic. Bleach. Roses. Dusty books. He turns, carefully curling into Kaname's side. Even that small movement pulls a groan out of him.
"Don't ask me if I'm okay." Kaname's mouth snaps shut. Kaito wriggles around his knees. "I just gave birth. Guess how I'm feeling."
"Alright," Kaname says. "Ignore me then. I'm only here to provide warmth and moral support."
"You don't need to talk to do that."
"Got it. Shutting up now."
"This'll be the only one we have," Zero tells him firmly, pointing at their son. "Just this one, you hear me? No more." This time Ichiru squirms, but since he gets no say on the matter, Zero pretends not to notice.
"Of course. I wasn't planning on… you've already given me far more than I deserve."
"I know that. Now shut up." Kaito quakes, clearly holding back laughter. Zero kicks at him. "And you — go the fuck to sleep." He titters, and then falls quiet.
This silence isn't like the ones they had before which were thick and tense, claustrophobic enough to make you feel sick. This one's intimate and warm. Zero thinks he may still be partially in shock after the whole experience, but he can feel Kaname's wonder and joy spilling through the Bond to him. It's so similar to the baby's interpretation of love that it has his nose prickling. Irrational. Totally uncalled for. Why the heck is he crying all of the time now? He sniffs as discreetly as he can. Thankfully Kaname doesn't say anything. One arm is wedged under Zero's neck, the other rests lightly over his hip so as to not cause him more pain. Since this is where both his arms are, it's completely understandable then that Zero jerks when something else brushes over his face.
"What the — "
The baby. It's gotta be the baby. Who he thought was sleeping.
He's the only one who could possibly be doing this — just like he did with Kaito. He almost opens his eyes to check but then realises he wouldn't be able to see anything. This ghost-like touch is invisible to the eye. He doesn't fancy having it brush against his naked eyeball either, so he keeps his eyes shut and lets the baby explore. His touch is feather-light, grazing over the bridge of his nose to his septum, poking at his nostrils curiously and then tickling his lips. Zero licks them and feels the baby's invisible hand jolt in surprise and disappear. Then it boldly returns to investigate his tongue.
At least this is familiar. Zero entertains the baby for a bit, waggling his tongue and wrinkling his nose, and then there is a zap of energy that blazes across his mind.
It dazzles him first, and… and Zero knows this light. Peach-honey clouds drift across his mindscape in a lazy arc, waving at him as if to say 'hello'. It's devastatingly lovely, and more importantly, it's that blindingly beautiful mind Zero thought he'd lost, come back to greet him.
"Can you feel that?" he asks Kaname quietly, feeling the baby's wonder as he marvels over Zero's lips forming words — the gust of breath through his lips, the vibration his voice makes. He'd thought his connection to the baby was lost forever the moment Kaname cut the umbilical cord, but no — it was merely a separation. One mind dividing into two. There is still a door connecting them — one that is open to Zero, it seems. "It's beautiful," he whispers.
Then Kaito snores loudly, ruining the moment. Ichiru mumbles unintelligibly — a definite sign that he is asleep too. How strange. Both of them falling asleep so suddenly. Zero smells a rat. A rat that smells like old books and roses. A Kaname-shaped rat. He smiles into the darkness.
"It is," Kaname agrees. "Sometimes he likes to play with my hair and… and my eyelashes."
"Hm."
Zero's hand travels blindly up his side, lingering at his sore stomach muscles which are covered by a swell of loose skin. It hovers over the baby hesitantly before resting on his back. Immediately the baby latches onto him, moist hands and feet dragging over his ribs. There is something wet collecting on his chest which he hopes is only drool. The baby is wearing a nappy (just like him), so it probably is just that. The rest of the baby is bare, and he is petal soft skin all over. Zero sighs loudly.
"Who put me in the bra?"
A long pause, and then. "I did."
"Am I still leaking?"
"You were."
"Good god."
The bra isn't as uncomfortable as Zero would've thought, but it's more the principle of it that irks him. He knew the pregnancy would change his body, but breasts? He wasn't expecting breasts. He doesn't really have breasts, though. Not visibly, at least. His chest isn't any larger than before, so where all this milk is coming from is a mystery*. Zero hopes his chest doesn't grow to fill the bra. Right now it's padded with wads of tissues to absorb any spillage, but he can just imagine what Kaito would say, and that's enough to put him off. Anyway, he likes having a flat chest. It's nothing against women, but he just doesn't want that part of him to change. A lot of his body has changed already. Irreversibly. He has a womb now, and flared hips to boot. Neither of those are as visible as breasts would be though, and he's not… he never wanted to change. That's the thing.
The baby's hand flies out and punches him right in the sternum as he fists his shirt. Zero bites his tongue. That hurt. He winces at the surprisingly strong grip the baby has, tiny fingers digging into his sensitive flesh.
Well, it's good to know he's strong, he supposes.
And just thinking that suddenly reminds Zero how close they got to losing him. Zero never thought he'd have such a strong reaction to potentially losing the baby — a guilty part of him used to think that if they lost him it would be beyond their control and later he'd be relieved to be free of the burden of being a parent, but when it came to it… all he remembers is his mind going blank when Kaname asked: "But is he breathing?" and then freaking out when Seiren put him on his chest. His small, wet body pressed against his, all grey and still and utterly lifeless.
He'd been paralysed by fear. So afraid, he doubts he'll ever forget the feeling.
"How is he?" Zero croaks, running trembling fingers over his son. His skin feels warm now, and his heart flutters against him. He hasn't the energy to count fingers and toes, and the thought of touching his face oddly daunting, so he skims his hand over the damp tangle of hair covering his head. Zero is amazed to find his hand spans the entirety of baby's head and part of his shoulders. He is so, so small.
"Seiren reckons he's a little underweight." There is a thoughtful pause. "We have to wait and see if the time he wasn't breathing causes any long-term problems, but he's got a strong heartbeat and good reflexes. Perfectly healthy otherwise."
Knowing that settles something inside him. He strokes soft skin, thinking over what happened with a more critical eye.
"How did you know what to do?"
This forces his eyes open. Zero twists his arm to examine at his bandaged wrist. It's healing slower than it usually would because he hasn't fed from Kaname yet. Kaname rests chin on Zero's shoulder and grabs his arm just above where the bandage ends.
"I didn't. I just followed my instincts."
"You saved his life," Zero argues, dropping his other arm over the baby. He burbles contentedly, nosing at Zero's skin. "You saved him, and you're telling me you didn't know how you knew to do it. You just did."
"I was panicking, same as you," Kaname insists. "I guess I thought — if he's part-Vampire, there might be a chance that blood would help."
Blood. Blood. Always blood.
Blood is the key — what it means to you, to me, to anyone — Zero blinks. Eyes drop to the baby. Love. Love is what it means, isn't it? Could that mean — ?
"No."
He turns back to Kaname and frowns. "No? What do you mean, 'no'? Who's to say that didn't break the curse? Our blood worked to bring him back — "
"Yes, but the moment he came back the others felt it too. And strongly." Kaname reminds him. "Which means he still has that power inside him. Untamed and… and so damn bright, it shines like a beacon for all to see." He sighs. "The curse is still there, Zero. Nothing's changed."
Nothing's changed, he says, and yet everything has. It's exactly like Seiren said — the world has shifted. If the baby's birth is like the Sun getting hotter, it won't only be felt — eventually its effects will also be seen. It's only a matter of time. And then people will want to look for the source of the danger and want to come and… 'deal' with it. People don't tend to like change, so they'll probably be bringing metaphorical pitchforks with them. Actual pitchforks will be useless against their nuclear-warhead-baby, but if whatever they decide to do threatens Zero and the others' safety, that will probably scare the baby enough to retaliate in their defence, and then they really will have a nuclear war on their hands.
A flare of rose-peach colour flashes before his eyes and the baby gurgles, drool collecting between his plump cheek and Zero's collarbone, and all of a sudden — he can see it. He can see a faceless army marching in to destroy them, weapons raised towards his child and he feels sick. It doesn't matter if none of those weapons could leave a mark on the baby, it's that image that shakes him to the core.
"Enough talking," Kaito groans, having somehow woken from his Kaname-induced sleep. He pats Zero on the knee. "Sleep."
Zero reluctantly closes his eyes, violent scenes of massacre painting the backs of his eyelids. Not only has today been thoroughly draining, it feels like his insides have been scraped raw. Bizarrely enough, the last thought occupying Zero's mind before sleep finally takes him is how his body must look now, stretched out of shape, scarred and… and ugly**. Compared to Kaname and their perfectly healthy son, it nags at him that he doesn't seem to fit with the beautiful picture they make.
A loud, wet smack sounds as something is launched through the air and lands on Kaito's face.
For a moment, he's blinded. He claws at his face to see what the damp, reddish thing obscuring his vision is, and then he shrieks.
"It's your own damn fault."
Zero stands in front of him, arms crossed. Completely unapologetic. These days he hobbles around, still weak from the birth. Kaito teased him mercilessly the first time he saw it, but since then found himself more concerned by how long it was taking for him to heal. Of course — he hid his concern behind more good-natured ribbing, but otherwise paid more attention to which things genuinely upset Zero and stuck to which ones were safer to poke fun at. After all, he might be an asshole but genuinely hurting a person's feelings, let alone his much beloved baby brother? Dick move.
Despite the fact that Zero seems constantly tired no matter the time of day, he channels what little energy he has on retaliating against his tormentor (a.k.a. Kaito) in any way he can. Even the basest form of revenge works, which is the reason for this current prank war.
"Please tell me this is not what I think it is," Kaito begs, wiping his face. A milky substance glistens on his fingers. Zero smiles viciously.
He jabs Kaito in the chest.
"You give me this." He brandishes the soaked lacy bra in one hand. "As some kind of sick joke, and think I won't use it to get back at you? Of course that's what you think it is."
"Milk. Your milk. You used it." Inside Kaito's mind he is screaming. He has never wanted brain-bleach to exist so badly in his whole life. Staring at the mess on his hands, it doesn't seem like an overreaction to want to chop them both off. Heck, he's lost three fingers already. What's two more hands? "Holy fucking shit, Zero. You've scarred me for life."
"That thing," he points at the wet lingerie, "Is basically a torture-device, and would fail at providing any proper support, had I needed any," Zero sneers, kicking the bra aside. "Thing is, I don't need any support because I don't have breasts. Does it even look like I need a bra, Kaito? Does it?" He points to his chest. "Look. Come on, look at me. Be honest now — "
"Oh my god, please stop. You're killing me. You've made your point. Fucking hell, Zero — "
Zero thrusts his chest out and pulls his shirt tight, glaring at Kaito all the while.
" — I get it. Not a boob in sight. I get it. I get it okay. I won't do it again."
"Where did you even get this?" Zero says, squinting at him. His eye twitches, and his voice goes dangerously quiet. "You didn't bring it with you. Did you." Deadly, like a viper.
Kaito is sweating. His eyes dart around for an exit.
"No, he stole it from me," a voice calls from the side. Seiren wrinkles her nose, plucking her stolen bra from the sofa, one finger looped through the strap. "Nice. You've not only ruined one of my favourite bras, you've also wasted quite a lot of milk by the looks of it."
"It's not all milk," Zero says, scowling. "I'm not that petty. I just soaked it in water."
"Oh sure," she says dryly, "That's not petty at all." She shoots Kaito a lethal glare, and then strides off in a huff, growling, "Men," under her breath.
Zero lowers himself onto the sofa slowly, his breath whistling out of him in a barely audible wheeze. He shudders a little, blushing at the sound it makes when he sits. The pads packed into his pants rustle noisily. Kaito ignores it. That is one thing Zero does not like to be teased about. He slides his arm along the top of the sofa, offering it for Zero to lean against — to which he accepts, tilting sideways so his head is pillowed on Kaito's shoulder. Kaito nuzzles his head against Zero's, butting his head against him all cat-like until his efforts get him a smile. It's the least he can do to apologise for the prank.
With them sitting this close together it's a bit difficult for Kaito to see Zero's face, but he can just about manage, and so he does. He studies Zero's smile. Judging it. Analysing it. Alternating looking between mouth and eyes. They seem to match up and it all looks sincere, but whether it is or not remains to be seen.
Part of the reason Kaito has made it his mission to bug the hell out of Zero at every given opportunity is to get a genuine reaction from him. Too often these days he looks at Zero and thinks he's somewhere else completely. Soon after the birth Zero picked up a bad cold, which is partly the reason why the others are leaving him be, but Kaito has seen Zero sicker than this before and knows that illness is not the reason why he is like this.
It's that thing he will not accept, that is doing this to him. The thing he will not lose Zero to.
Zero does everything that is required of him involving the baby — feeding him, cleaning him, changing him — that's not the problem here. It's the strange look in his eyes when he does that bothers Kaito. Ichiru praises him for being so good with the baby and Seiren seems pleased that he is doing well too, but... is he? When Kaname pulls Kaito aside and whispers, "Watch him for me," in his ear, eyes flicking to Zero meaningfully, Kaito knows he's not just seeing things.
For Kaname to tell him to watch Zero means something is definitely wrong. He wants to ask Kaname why he can't do so himself but realises Zero will probably catch on if he does. It's no secret that Zero reacts badly to Kaname being overprotective. With Kaito — however — he can disguise his motives behind well-meaning pranks, owing this behaviour to him being his natural irritating self. He can poke and prod Zero to test his reactions, observing him closely all the while. So far, Zero has reacted to him in exactly the same way he normally does: with his usual irritated fondness. It's when he's not with Kaito or any of the others that it shows that... there is nothing. Emptiness. There is something absent from behind his eyes. They lack warmth and have not a trace, nor hint of a smile. He sits there, empty, his eyes lamp-like and mouth soft. Once, when Kaito was watching him like this, Zero saw him and ran off in a panic.
When Kaito found him later he was on the floor of his room, half-under the bed and having a full-on panic attack. It was a bad one too, but despite all his instincts screaming at him to call the others for help, Kaito fought them down and chose to deal with Zero himself. He knew that if Zero was so scared of being seen like this, him calling them here to now would only panic him further. Right then, what he needed was an ally — no, a confidante. So Kaito held Zero until he stopped gasping for breath, till his face regained some colour and his heartbeat slowed. He held him till he fell asleep (and for a long time afterwards) thinking long and hard about how he might talk to Zero about this, or whether he should even try to at all.
He hasn't managed to so far. Days after the panic attack, he still hasn't managed to find the right words to say to him. Kaname found him the next day — well, he'd given Kaito a look, really. Nothing else. But nothing more was needed for Kaito to understand that Kaname knew what had happened, and that he was also lost as to how he could help him. It occurred to Kaito then that maybe the Bond between Kaname and Zero meant this was affecting Kaname too, and maybe Kaname was just dealing with it in his own way: by busying himself with the baby. After that realisation, he started watching Kaname too.
The biggest change for him was that his voice sounded different. It was so obviously fake. It was too light-hearted. It was blatantly hiding something.
He watched him smile and laugh and chat with the others. Seiren sometimes gave him squinty eyes and pursed lips meaning that she could tell something was up, but she let it go. Ichiru also had moments where he would frown and stumble over his words, but both of them (Kaito assumed) could sense that Kaname needed them to play along, so they did. Only he could see what Kaname was doing — distracting them with his presence, dragging their attention away from Zero to give him time and space. He was giving Kaito the opportunity to do what he could not, trusting Kaito to know how to help Zero, over himself.
Why me? he wanted to ask. Why would Kaname trust him instead of Seiren (his most trusted) or Ichiru (his preferred brother-in-law) to this task?
Maybe because Kaname could sense that Kaito needed this too — for himself. He needed to save at least one member of his family, to comfort and protect them for once instead of causing them more pain. Maybe Ichiru sensed that too. Maybe that was why he told Kaito about Zero's depression before, as a suggestion to him that this was his to fix.
He holds Zero close to himself now, glad for this tender moment, and glances down at Zero's face again. This time a different thought springs to mind. Instead of picking apart Zero's expression and trying to discern his emotional state, it occurs to Kaito that actually Zero looks physically unwell. Like — his skin is sallow, his hair is crisp with sweat, he smells of sickness, and… and how long has it been since the birth? Shouldn't he be better by now?
He's been sick all this time, Kaito thinks, dread sinking in. It's unusual for illness to take a Vampire longer than a couple days, but this long? This is almost unheard of… unless it's something more serious than a cold. Kaito stiffens. He combs Zero's hair back, tugging his head back for him to look more easily at him. His hand slides down to Zero's neck. He subtly checks his pulse.
"So I gotta know," he says, deliberately casual. Zero hums, opening one eye briefly. He's tired all the time lately. Kaito swallows, and forces a smirk. "Are you dying or something? It's just, you kinda look like you are, Zee, and I gotta know. Don't lie."
Zero sits up a little at that. A flash of guilt passes over his face, but then he shoots Kaito a withering glare. "I'm sick, you tactless cur."
"Really? I'd never have guessed."
Zero narrows his eyes. "Look at my face, pal. Not funny."
Kaito pouts. The sparkle of laughter in Zero's eyes makes his heart thump happily, but when it fades the next second, Kaito turns grim. He thinks over what he planned to say, what he thought would work and what was quickly discarded. It's a minefield, talking to Zero these days. He settles on an idea, and then — as Kaito is inclined to do — he changes his mind.
"It's not just sickness doing you in," he says. There is no question in that statement, no flicker of doubt. The way Zero holds himself reminds Kaito of some prey caught by its predator, trying to be as still as possible. Pretending to be dead. "You look sad," he says plainly, not knowing any other way to say it.
Zero exhales slowly. His gaze moves away from Kaito which feels like curtains swinging shut between them. Kaito's breath hitches. Fuck, I fucked up. Sorry, Kuran, he thinks, inwardly cringing when it's clear Zero doesn't want to talk, but when Kaito makes to get up Zero's hand shoots out. Instantly, he sits back down. Mixed though these signals may be, all might not be lost. He realises that Zero is staring at something, or rather at someone, and his pointed staring is a silent nudge at him to look at them too.
At first Kaito thinks it is the baby, but then it could also be Ichiru since he's the one currently holding him. Kaname is there too, hovering as always and making the toy fox dance in front of his son. It's hard to tell who it is Zero's looking at, but then — maybe it is all of them. They make a pretty picture together, all smiling and laughing. Compared to them, it occurs to Kaito that the rest of the room looks dull. Lifeless. Their little corner is under a particularly tenacious cloud — one which is determined to suck all the joy out of them. Zero's face as he watches them is full of longing, but then (under Kaito's observation) it vanishes. Zero's jaw clenches and his eyes shutter. He's jealous, Kaito thinks at first, but then he looks closer and sees that no — there's more than jealousy there. There's something darker beneath it. Guilt, maybe. He's not sure.
"Look at them," Zero says softly. "I wish — I wish it was easy for me to…" to be with him, Zero's eyes say. Kaito waits, lets him take his time. He watches his brother struggle to find words, saying nothing. Zero bites his lip, eyes flicking away. "Sometimes I look at them, and I imagine what… what we could be. What I should be, but c-can't, I can't…" a shudder ripples over Zero. Kaito squeezes him tightly to keep him moored. "I'm not good enough, Kaito," he confesses, looking at him earnestly, as if trying to convince him that what he thinks is true.
From the corner of his eye, Kaito notices Kaname's head jerk up. He sticks his foot out so his sole is up like a Stop sign, signalling him to not intrude. He hopes the message has been understood.
"What are you talking about?" Kaito doesn't know whether he should frown or not. He wants to, but doesn't want to put Zero off. It's exhausting, having to edit his reactions carefully, but Zero is delicate right now — vulnerable, opening himself to Kaito. Trusting him. "You're a great mom. You feed him, burp him, clean his shit — all of it. You're doing a great job." He jostles Zero. "I'm serious. I wouldn't lie about that, you know."
But Zero shakes his head frantically, eyes alight with panic. "I can't do this, Kai. I know I can't — "
"Hey, hey, hey," Kaito mutters, pulling Zero so his head is wedged under his chin. This position hides it when he waves at Kaname to take Ichiru and the baby out of the room. Once they are gone, he turns back to Zero. "Where's this all coming from? You have no reason to think you can't do this. Just look at you — look at all you've done."
"I didn't want a baby before, now I'm — I mean, I think I love him, but I just don't know. I'm scared. I don't want him to — I don't want to hurt him, Kaito. It was so much easier when he was — " he points at his belly, "You know? Everything he needed my body provided. Now there is so much more he needs."
"So, you're feeling a little overwhelmed. Perfectly understandable — "
"No, you don't get it," Zero hisses, infuriated by Kaito's misstep. "You don't understand. How could you? You're not a — you don't have a — " he wrests himself from Kaito's arms and growls, clawing at his hair. Suddenly he whirls on Kaito. "And don't call me that. I am not his mother."
Kaito raises his brows and his hands in surrender. "If you say so."
"I'm not."
"Okay."
"Stop arguing with me! I know what I am!"
"I'm not." Kaito hesitates. The temptation to stick his foot in his mouth is too great. "But you know. With you breastfeeding him and all, and the fact you did in fact give birth to him — okay, okay!"
Zero's eyes are blazing, and though he knows he's in deep shit — in a slightly masochistic way, it pleases him to see him angry. He keeps his hands raised, waiting for Zero to judge him adequately cowed, and as Zero cools down he seems to melt and shrink. The flame is still there, but more akin to the sparkle of humour from before. Zero tilts his head and seems to realise that Kaito was teasing him. A reluctant smile quirks at his lips before he decides he should, in fact, be more offended than amused by Kaito's poor attempt at a joke.
"Fine," he yields flatly. "I'm him mother. So what? You think that's funny?"
"I didn't said that — "
"I did give birth to him," Zero says. There's a glimmer of pride in him now — one that Kaito wants to kindle. "There's no way I went through of all of that and haven't earned the right to be called a 'mother'. Bringing a person into the world is no small thing, Kaito, it's a badge of honour."
"Of course."
Here, Zero falters. Here, Kaito watches as that glimmer burns out.
"But that's what I did," Zero says quietly. He jerks forwards, head spinning to search for Kaname and the baby, but when he finds them gone, he deflates. "I did that," he repeats, even more hushed.
"Yes. You did. All by yourself," Kaito gushes, in what he hopes is an encouraging way.
Zero scuttles to the side. Fuck. He's fucked up again somehow. Kaname is going to kill him.
"What use am I to him now though?" Zero barely whispers, covering his face with both hands. "All of you can care for him now. I am useless. My job is done."
"Your job is only beginning, Zero," Kaito grabs Zero's shoulder. "You have so much more to do." Inside, Kaito is a mess, scrambling around for something he can say. "No one can replace you, Zero. No me, not Kaname, not any of us."
Zero moans lowly, as if he's been wounded. Kaito watches, wide-eyed. What was that? he thinks, panicking. What's going on inside that head of his? He pictures his own depression to be a screaming monster, but what is Zero's? A baby crying for his mother? Being trapped in a life he doesn't want? Feeling totally out of his depth?
"Did you know," Zero says, startling Kaito out of his thoughts, "That some days. Most days, in fact, by the end of them... I don't remember what I've done?" He takes his hands away from his face, and Kaito is somewhat surprised to see that they are not wet. "I wake up, and I think: baby. I deal with him, and when I'm done I go back to bed. In the past week, the only moments that stick out to me are when Seiren tells me I'm not producing enough milk. I hear her saying it's alright, the baby doesn't need much. His stomach is small, he doesn't seem to be hungry anyway. But I can see that she's worried, and I just… I can't even do that." Zero shakes his head, laughing bitterly. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
Nothing, Kaito wants to say, but Zero won't let him, and the word dies on his tongue.
"Why do you think Seiren's gone out? She's gone to get formula because if she doesn't the baby will starve."
"You need to chill," Kaito says curtly. He knew about the milk thing and Seiren going out for that reason. The memory loss though? That's news to him. "Plenty of women can't breastfeed for various reasons. That doesn't make them bad mothers, Zero. Everyone's different. We all have our problems, so don't use that as an excuse."
"Okay," Zero says, an argument rising in his voice, "Okay, so physically — I'm not unfit, but mentally? I'm done, Kaito. I am done. I think something is broken inside of me." He blinks. "It's been that way for a long time, but now? This is more than I can take."
"Yeah, I get that. We've all noticed that you've been… depressed for some time. Probably ever since you and Kuran started having problems, or maybe even before. Childhood wasn't kind to you either, Zero. The place where it started is probably a lot further back than any of us think." Zero doesn't respond. His silence is terrifying. Kaito wants to punch something. "You're not broken though. Okay maybe a little, but not in a way that stops you living, right?"
"Stops me feeling, though. Sometimes. Most times."
"You can feel though. You're feeling right now. Unfortunately it's all the bad stuff, like worry. Anxiety. Guilt. Shame. It's not easy, Zero," Kaito squeezes his hand. "But giving up is not the way to go. You're stronger than that. You are worth more than that. Life might be shitty right now, but there are better days coming."
"When?" Zero asks, pleadingly. "When will they come?"
Zero turns to Kaito suddenly he's reminded of a much younger Zero — a wisp of memory curls around him, transforming Zero into a small child, looking to Kaito to fix something. To make it better. To tell him different.
"Yuuki said it never ends."
Fuck Yuuki. Kaito swears he's never heard anything as bleak as that. How dare she say that to him. It sends a wave of grief and anger rushing over him, two gunshots ringing in his ears.
"Maybe it doesn't end," he says.
He cannot lie to Zero, nor to himself.
"Maybe it doesn't, but that doesn't mean it can't get better, or — no. Not better. But more… more manageable," Kaito says. He cups Zero's jaw, taking it with both hands. "Do you really think you're alone in feeling the way you're feeling right now?" he asks.
Zero opens his mouth, but then stops. The dull grey in his eyes suddenly gleams with understanding as what Kaito says clicks. His jaw drops further, and he stares at Kaito like he's never seen him before. In answer, he simply nods.
"All of us, each in our own ways. We have all been scarred by what has happened and what we've had to do. There was no chance of us getting through this unscathed. Your pain is at its peak right now, Zero. There could be many reasons for that, or no reason at all. It doesn't matter," he presses his forehead to Zero's. "It might seem impossible to get past this right now, but I'm telling you it is not. It will pass."
"How?" Zero croaks. Kaito wishes he has a proper answer. As it is, all he has is hope.
"We keep on going." There's nothing less encouraging to tell a person dying of thirst that the well is just over the next hill, but what if it is? If you don't tell them, they'll never know. "We can't pass by it ourselves. We can't leave it behind any more than we can cut out our own hearts. All we can do is grow stronger so we can carry it with us. And if you can't do it on your own?" Kaito shakes Zero, trying to keep him focused. "That's what we're here for. We'll all help each other. That's what we'll do."
Zero's mouth snaps shut. He nods, but looking at him now, Kaito feels like he's staring at a dead man. Not dying — dead. (He would know.) Zero doesn't really believe in what Kaito is saying. He's already given up, and that — more than depression or doubt — will be what changes him irreversibly.
"I just want to be happy." Plaintive. He's a child in that small voice. Kaito aches for the days when he could promise Zero impossible things and he would believe them without question. "Isn't this meant to be a happy time? Aren't I meant to be happy?" Zero asks. "The baby is here. We both survived it. I want those better days to come now. I know there's no way to rush this, but exactly how much time do you think we have left?"
Not enough, is the answer. Though none of them really discussed the fact that they are, in fact, waiting for the end to come, it's pretty obvious that that's what's happening. The baby's birth started the final countdown, so now they are counting each day, or at least Kaito is.
"Exactly," Zero mutters lowly, reading the answer in his face. "I told Seiren I wanted us to spend the rest of our days being as happy as we can, but look at me. I can't… what if I can't do it, even if I want to with all my heart?" Zero laughs, but it is a cruel, sharp sound. "I can pretend, but that won't be enough for him. He'll see right through it. Both of them will. I — I can't fake being happy. I wish… it would be so much easier if I was — " Zero's eyelashes flutter. He knows what he wants. " — if I wasn't — "
"Don't." Kaito snarls. It's more panic than plain anger.
When Zero doesn't respond, Kaito turns to find him staring at the frosted window. The relentless winter is only barely visible through the thick ice, dark distorted smudges showing the outlines of trees covered in the snow. Kaito can't understand what about it has captured Zero's attention, but whatever it is, it's made his jaw go slack, and once again he's out of reach.
"He wants me to name the baby."
Though that came completely out of the blue, Kaito hums. He knows — they all know. Kaname has refused to choose a name from the many Kaito has provided, only smiling mildly at the ones Ichiru offered. It's obvious he's waiting for Zero to decide.
At this rate the baby will never get a name and only ever exist in Kaito's mind as 'Sir Mix-A-Lot' for the fact that he likes butts. Kaito's butt specifically.
(He will never ever let that go.)
"Well."
"I." His throat clicks. "I don't think I can."
"Why." It's getting more and more difficult to push down his irritation at Zero's tedious deflecting, but if anything, Kaito is a stubborn bastard. "If you're out of ideas, I've got plenty." Nothing. Zero doesn't even blink. He continues staring at the glass, and Kaito suddenly feels desperate. "Whaddya want — Japanese names? Western names? It would be pretty hilarious to have a western name amongst all of us, don'tcha think? I mean, apparently they're quite trendy but like, why? What do you think about William? Frank? Heck, Zorro — ooh, Zorro is cool. We could get him a little cape and mask thingy. No whip though. Way too kinky for a kid… unless — "
"No." Well, he shut that down fast. Kaito grumbles to himself. Zero stares at him oddly, tilting his head in consideration. Oh no, Kaito thinks. Oh no, indeed. "Why don't you choose something then."
"Me?" Kaito squeaks. "Are you serious? Fuck no." Kaname won't kill him, but Ichiru definitely will. "He's your son, Zero. This is a parent-thing to do."
"Not always. And you're his family, aren't you?" There is a long, awkward pause. Zero's eyes flash. "Aren't you."
Kaito winces. "I guess, but — "
"If you can't do it, then Kaname will name him."
"That's probably best." Kaito thinks. What led them here? "Why are you telling me this?"
Zero sighs, listing forwards. "I've realised I can't… see myself with them, or a future with… with Kaname and the baby. When I see them and Ichiru, I try to imagine myself in his place, but it's like they're this perfect little… this perfect…" Zero drifts off, and he's staring at the snow outside again, and Kaito finally starts to get it. Or at least, he thinks he's starting to connect the dots. "I'm too scared to go near them and ruin it."
"But Ichiru isn't you, and imagining that he is, is pretty fucked up. Don't do that to yourself, Zero. You being with them won't ruin anything. They want you there with them."
"They can feel it when I'm close," Zero whispers, a hand curling at his chest. "The way I am. Rotting inside. How can they see that and not be ruined by it? If I can't be happy, at the very least I want them to be. Can't you see that? Can't you understand that I'm no good to them like this?"
It's like the floor is scattered with shards of cut glass and Kaito is trying to cross all of it to reach Zero. He doesn't know where to put his feet.
"It's the depression telling you that."
Where is — where did that come from?
Kaito has Zero's attention though. He can see that Zero is both eager and wary of what he'll next say. It's a lot of pressure, trying to get this right.
"Listen." Kaito closes his eyes, imagining the beast that is his depression. It's a tireless demon. Wrangling it into place is exhausting, and staring it in the eye freezes his blood. It only has one eye. Kaito shivers. "Everything that's stopping you, every doubt and fear that you have, it all comes from depression. It's a type of PTSD, I think. I dunno. I bet I'm wrong, I don't know what the proper definitions are, but — point is, what you've been through has changed you, Zero. The way you think, the way you feel. It's all wired differently now. That tiredness and hopelessness you're feeling? Isn't imagined. There is a very real thing stopping you. You need to acknowledge that, and… and give yourself a fucking break."
"Give myself a break?" Zero laughs. "Kaito, I've been sleeping so much. I sleep whenever I'm not with the baby."
"But is your sleep restful? Do you wake only to find yourself still tired? I've heard you walking around at night. Yeah," Kaito nods at Zero's startled expression. Now he's beginning to see. "Anyway, that's not what I mean. Your body is connected to your mind, you know. When one starts going downhill, the other is sure to follow."
"How do you know about all of this?" Zero seems impressed, and slightly bewildered by how much Kaito seems to know about this. Kaito would have preened at his awed expression, had his reason for knowing not been from personal experience. It's not often that he's made to feel clever.
"I just do," he answers honestly, shrugging, "What I'm trying to tell you is that all of this pressure you're under? All these things you're worrying about — it's hurting your body too, not just your mind or your heart, so it's no wonder you feel unable to do things. It's all connected. Tell me, do you feel like your whole body is sore?"
"I uh… yeah," Zero agrees, sounding stunned. He rubs his wrists. "It hurts all over." Blinking. "I thought it was from labour."
"Could be, but I think it's kinda suspicious — this cold and these aches you've been having. They've been going on for a while now, haven't they? For a Vampire to not have recovered by now, even under these circumstances, especially given how Pure your fruit-cocktail-blood is now. Zero," Kaito says lightly, "Depression isn't just a mental disorder. It's a very physical one too."
"I had no idea."
"It can stop you doing things without you even realising it."
Kaito's mind goes back to the period of time after his brother was killed. Months of going through the motions. Mindlessly applying himself to Yagari's training and doing his assignments. A year after is when it hit him — he was tired. It set upon him like a wildfire, feeding off him like a plague. He remembers the day he just stopped moving. How he stayed in the whole day, unable to move from his bed. It was like someone had dropped a boulder on him and he physically couldn't move. Yagari found him like that, and they had a long talk (similar to the one he's having with Zero right now) about what was wrong with him, and how they were going to deal with it.
The routine he'd locked himself into was deconstructed bit by bit. Yagari got him to try random leisure activities to try and generate some interest in a new hobby (something other than Hunting). They'd talk for hours some days. Other times he'd not say a word for weeks. When Kaito couldn't take it any more, he'd scream himself hoarse at Yagari. It was a long, painful process that sadly never reached its conclusion.
"You tell yourself you can't do this. Can't do that. You argue with yourself — I should be able to. It's nothing. Why can't I do this? It doesn't make any sense. You tell yourself you're not good enough." Kaito's leg is jumping up and down. His hand has that tremor. He can smell cigarettes and — and he shoves his old anger aside. This is not about him. It's about Zero. "Thing is, the only thing that doesn't make sense is you hurting yourself by pushing yourself beyond your limits. Depression is an actual thing that requires treatment. Now," he sucks in a deep breath, "We've already said that your depression could have started ages ago. It could have gone dormant in a way. That happens."
Zero bites his lip. "And now it's back."
"Now it's back," Kaito nods. "There could be many, many reasons for that, but of those the most likely one would obviously be the baby. It's a big change to your life which brings a lot of stress with it. Now, I gotta be mean and ask this outright — but have you had any negative thoughts or feelings regarding the baby before having him, and if you did, are you still having them now?"
Zero goes bone-white and his mouth trembles. He holds Kaito's gaze for a while, but then as he closes his eyes he seems to draw inwards and Kaito realises he isn't breathing.
"Oh my god breathe, Zero, it's okay!" Kaito exclaims, grabbing him by the shoulders — hoping his roughness will shake Zero out of it. He's dancing on the glass now. His feet are torn to ribbons. "Zero, come on. Talk to me. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to — "
"I never thought about hurting him. Not once, you hear me? Never," Zero blurts. Kaito nods, murmuring soothingly. He feels like he's lassoed a wild horse and is holding on for dear life. Zero shudders, his energy spent. "I used to… I wanted to hate him. It would have been easier, but I never did. Not really. It was the situation I didn't like. Not having a choice, nor any control over my life."
"And now?"
"And now I know him better."
Zero hasn't spoken as openly about his personal connection (and whatever telepathic stuff they have going) to the baby to anyone other than Kaname, but he doesn't really need to. It's obvious to Kaito and the others, the change in their relationship, and that it developed the more the child grew from being a speck to a bump to a bulge. It was plain to see that the boy won Zero over long before he'd exited the womb. His reluctance to admit it was more out of stubbornness than anything.
"He's kinda mad over you too." Kaito endures Zero's glare with a blasé smirk. "What? Anyone with eyes can see he adores you."
"Because I carried him for ten months, and now I'm his primary source of food."
"Ugh. Hardly," Kaito wrinkles his nose. "The kid loved you before he even had a mind. No matter how much you try to put that down to biology — he did. He loved you first."
Zero sighs and turns away to look at the door Kaname took the baby (and Ichiru) through. He stares at it hard enough that Kaito half-wonders if he's actually able to see through it. Fuck knows with all the weird-ass freaky powers Zero has nowadays.
"It's not about hating the baby, or the idea of being a par- of being a mother," Zero says, the realisation dawning on him. "It's not about hate at all. It's that I'm scared." He sits up jerkily. "Of what, I can't say. I just — I don't know how to cope."
"Atta boy," Kaito says, though he is genuinely proud to see Zero confess to what sent him down this spiral. It's not far off what Kaito was thinking it was, and though it might seem rather anticlimactic or pathetic a thing to be afraid of, it's also a universal fear: not being able to cope. He wraps an arm around Zero and knocks their heads together gently. This close to him, he can pick out the strands of silver speckled in Zero's lilac eyes. Kaito smiles warmly. "That's okay. That's what you have us for. Remember — there's no quick, easy fix to this. That doesn't matter. What we can do is set goals to achieve. Little things, like — I'm going to eat this whole meal so Kaname stops worrying about me getting a nutrient deficiency. Or — I'm gonna hold the baby and actually look at him when I feed him instead of staring vacantly into space this time. What do you think?"
Zero considers his suggested examples, eye twitching a little at the slight tone colouring each one, but… he feels oddly relieved. To have someone set him goals makes the path ahead of him slightly clearer. It still looks difficult, but — but it is comforting to have guidance. Ironically, one of the things Zero had found most difficult about the pregnancy was losing control, and he still hates the idea of not having it, but… giving the reins to someone he trusts, someone like Kaito — is okay. A weight falls off his shoulders, and what before was impossible appears slightly more manageable.
"Yeah," he says, and then more enthusiastically. "Yes, I'd like to try that."
"By the way, have you actually noticed how weird your kid looks?" Kaito asks, immediately raising his hands, "I don't mean weird-weird, like, he's super cute and all, but — but he looks nothing like either of you." Kaito's face twists. "No one else has mentioned it, but I figured that was them being polite. It's sort of impossible to miss."
One of the things Zero thinks most unforgivable is that he can forget his son's face so easily.
He must have looked at him countless times, but each time he forgets, and try as he might… he cannot remember what he looks like. It's ridiculous. He thinks it may be some sort of mental block, but it breaks his heart every time because how can he not remember his own son's face? If you were to put him in a line-up with a dozen other babies Zero is pretty sure he wouldn't be able to pick out which one was his.
"What do you mean."
There's no inflection in his voice. Utterly devoid of emotion. Kaito freezes at this, acknowledging he's made another misstep.
"Well… he's not got Kuran's dark hair, nor your white hair. It's kind of… where they'd meet in the middle, I guess. Like some dude mixed your hairs together and made a colour from that."
The baby has a full head of hair — this much, Zero knows. He knows what it feels like against his cheek.
"It's kind of… my-coloured hair, come to think of it!" Kaito says excitedly, tugging at the shaggy strands falling into his eyes. "See? Like, ash-brown, or whatever Seiren called it. And he's got sort of brownish eyes too. Oh my god Zero, I didn't realise it before but he's basically a mini-me!" Kaito mockingly fans his face. "No wonder everyone's going nuts over him. Kid's gonna be a handsome fella when he grows up!"
"I don't believe you," Zero says snippily, shoving Kaito aside as he rises to his feet. "I need to see this. For myself."
He calls to Kaname, and soon enough the three return into the living room. Neither he nor Ichiru show any signs of having eavesdropped on their conversation, but the walls are thin in the house, and Zero knows they probably had. It doesn't matter. Privacy is an illusion now, and nothing they were saying is anything he could have hidden away for much longer.
The baby doesn't know quite how to smile yet and his eyes aren't very good at focusing either, but regardless of this he knows Zero, and it's undeniable that he lights up the moment he is near him. He squirms impatiently in Kaname's arms, hands curling and uncurling and mouth opening wide, allowing a stream of drool to collect on his chin.
Kaname hands him over, a pleased blush rising to his face. For a moment, they hold him together. Their arms create a cradle, and the connection between the three of them… Zero breathes deeply as he takes the baby fully into his arms — that rich scent rising from his crown in intoxicating fumes.
"Hello baby," he says, feeling dumb doing so. Nevertheless, the baby squeaks back at him, spurring Ichiru into a fit of giggles. Holding a baby is surprisingly easy for Zero — his arms know what to do without conscious thought. He'd have never pegged himself to be, as Seiren liked to call it, 'a natural' at holding babies, until he held his own child for the first time. Now… now he was glad for this skill. He shuffles the baby closer to him, stubbornly ignoring the way the others are gawking at him all starry-eyed.
His instinct right then is to shut down, but then, with all his might, Zero fights that urge and thinks no. No, I must look at him. Really, really… look at him. Before he can succumb to blankness, Zero cups his son's cheek and looks.
Kaito is… sort of right. The hair and eye colour are completely different to either parent's, but aside from that… it's hard to tell. He still has the squishy, wrinkled, rosy face of a newborn. Zero can't exactly tell whether he has Kaname's this, or his that. He doesn't even think he looks that cute, but that's just because he's newborn. In Zero's opinion, babies only become cute once they're a little older.
His round button nose is sort of sweet though. Zero pokes it gently, which makes the baby blow a bubble and pant wetly.
"So you see," Kaito's says, drawing Zero out of the staring contest he'd unintentionally been drawn into. "He looks nothing like you." Kaito turns to Kaname with a smirk. "Like either of you."
"Ah well, that's alright," Kaname says, his bland smile suddenly turning wicked, "I'm not worried. I know for a fact that this baby is mine. You see, I remember putting him in Zero very vividly — "
"Oh my god," Kaito squawks, scandalised. "What is wrong with you? I just meant since he's a magical baby and all, as far as we know, a demon could be inhabiting him — "
A loud snort tears itself out of Zero. It is definitely too loud. The baby gasps, and then starts whimpering.
"Oh no." Zero bounces on his toes. The motion pulls on his aching muscles. Kaname jerks forwards but he shakes his head. "No, baby. No, no," he mutters, swaying side to side. The baby quietens quickly enough, large, dark eyes blinking wetly at him. Zero forces a smile. He drinks in the colour of his hair and eyes again. Remember, he tells himself. Remember. It's important. Once the baby has settled again, Zero sags. Even that was tiring. He aches all over, and — and he doesn't know what to do with the baby now. The baby stares at him too, almost questioningly. The only time Zero really tends to hold the baby is when he's about to feed him, but he's not hungry right now so what is this about? Zero's swaying becomes jerky and he… he doesn't know what to do —
Kaname wraps an arm around his waist and guides him to the sofa. He sits Zero down, and ushers his brothers over to bracket him either side. For a moment Zero feels trapped, but then the moment passes. He opens his eyes, not knowing when he closed them. Kaname smiles at him, and bends down to cup his jaw. "Okay?"
He nods, feeling ashamed and strangely jittery.
"You're fine, sweetheart," Kaname says warmly, running his hands over Zero's arms lovingly. "You're doing so well." Zero blushes bright red, which in turn makes Kaname beam even brighter. They both pointedly ignore Kaito gagging beside them, too taken by the moment to even care. After Zero has recovered, Kaname tilts his head towards Kaito. "By the way, did Seiren mention to you when she'd be back?"
"Nah," he quirks his eyebrows. "Why."
"No reason. Just wanted to know." Kaname leans forwards to brush a kiss on the baby's forehead and then kisses Zero firmly (much to the brothers' disgust). When he pulls back, Zero notices, much to his surprise, that the rims of Kaname's eyes are a little red and his hair is limp and dull. "Will you be alright if I left the baby with you for a little while?" he asks. Quickly adding, "If you're not, that's fine. I just — "
"No, of course," Zero blurts, reaching up to touch Kaname's face. "You look tired." How has he not noticed this until now? He strokes along the sharp edge of Kaname's cheekbone, startled at how unforgiving and cold the skin is under his fingertips.
Kaname catches his hand and kisses it.
The smile he shoots Zero is far too bright. Full of the energy he otherwise seems to be lacking.
"I'll be fine. I just need a catnap and I'll be right as rain." Kaname winks at him, pecks him on the lips again, and then walks away towards their room. Zero's eyes are glued to how his feet drag on the floorboards. He stares at the closed door for a long time, still shocked that Kaname… Kaname is tired. That's almost unheard of. It's practically impossible to tire Kaname physically.
Was it mental strain then? Or was he really that run down?
Kaito lets a breath hiss out through his teeth. He runs both hands through his hair, clicks his teeth, and then peers at Zero from the corner of his eye. "Well shit," he says, rather blandly.
Ichiru gasps exaggeratedly, gesturing to the baby with wide, betrayed eyes. Kaito snorts.
"What is it?" Zero frowns.
"It's just so typical you both trying to keep everything close to your chest. Whether it's out of pride or stubbornness, you both choose running yourselves into the ground over asking for help." He shakes his head. "Terrible, the two of you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Kuran being tired — that's been going on for a while now." At Zero's confused look, Kaito rolls his eyes. He has no choice but to 'fess up now. "I've been watching him too, okay? Sue me. I was worried."
Zero would've teased Kaito about this at any other time, but right now — right now he is starting to feel panicked again. How could he have not noticed this happening? Was he so focused on himself that he didn't notice Kaname suffering? His stomach clenches in guilt and he is rudely reminded of his memory lapses. They could be the reason for him not noticing.
Or it could simply be that he's that self-absorbed as to not care.
He's been feeding from Kaname more often lately to regain some strength, but whilst it hadn't really worked to help him, it might have been having an adverse effect on Kaname all this time. Either Kaname was too good at hiding his exhaustion or Zero wasn't paying enough attention to him. If Kaito noticed over him, Kaname's mate, then…
"He has been acting rather strange lately."
God, and now Ichiru. Both of them had noticed Kaname getting worse before Zero had.
He feels sick.
"How so?"
"Well, he loves hanging out with the baby of course, but it's… he has this thing about being left alone with him." Ichiru pokes said baby in the cheek, squishing it gently till his mouth puckers. "He's fine when either Seiren or I am around, but… I dunno. He kinda freaks out. I put it down to first-time-parent nerves," Ichiru chuckles. "He totally books it when we leave him alone with the baby. Like, literally."
"What do you mean 'like, literally'?" Zero asks tersely.
"Like he — "
The bedroom door opens. Kaname jogs out, smiling bashfully and waving at them as he passes by. "Oh, don't mind me. You can carry on talking about me. I just forgot something." He bobs on his toes, perusing the bookshelf till he finds what he wants. Then he trots back to the bedroom, their eyes following him. "By the way I'm not acting strange, I'm just tired. Good night."
The door clicks shut
Ichiru points. "Like that."
"Nothing odd about him reading. He's always been a bookworm," Zero says, shifting slightly as the baby wriggles on his lap. "The baby thing though…" He looks down at his son, only to find him grabbing at the air. It only seems fair to give him something to hold onto so Zero gives him his finger. The strength of his grip is no longer startling, but Zero jerks when Kaito lets out a loud yelp.
Ichiru smacks him for that. Kaito doesn't care — he is grinning and pointing at one stray strand of hair sticking straight out from his scalp.
"Look — he's back at it again!" he exclaims, sounding surprisingly thrilled about this. Kaito tickles the baby's foot, cackling. "Yes, boy! Look at you go!"
Zero quirks one brow.
"I thought you didn't like him messing with you?"
"I… I don't, I — " Kaito stammers. Fuck, he's been caught. [You're his family, aren't you?] His mind flashes back to the days leading up to the birth, how scared he'd been thinking the worst had happened. Now that they're here (now that he's here) Kaito can't imagine what it would've been like had things turned out that way. He stares at the boy's foot and marvels at how it is no bigger than his thumb. And so squishy.
"You think he's cute," Ichiru nods smugly.
"I do not. He's — it's just — he's…" the words cut off as Kaito becomes more and more distracted by the pink toes wiggling in his hand, helplessly charmed by this small, maddening creature. Ichiru looks half a second away from laughing his ass off which makes Kaito want to start spewing retorts right left and centre, but then — then he sees that Zero's eyes are bright sparkling star-like things, and — and so, in the end, Kaito knows they both have him wrapped around their fingers. He may deny it all he wants, but it won't change a thing.
As if sensing his defeat, the little monster viciously tugs at his earlobe and runs an invisible finger over his nose. Kaito sneezes, though a smile breaks out on his face.
"You know," he says, the smile swiftly stretching into a smirk. "I reckon it's just that he's too small for anyone to hold a grudge against him. I mean, look at him. You can't be angry at something that small."
"Or cute," Ichiru winks.
"It's just unnatural," Kaito concludes, ignoring Ichiru. "Should'a kept him inside you a bit longer, Zero. Maybe if we stick him back in you he might grow some more. End up being a more reasonable size for me to have beef with."
"Oh yeah, that sounds fair. Lemme stick him up my man-gina and grow him for another couple months. Would that be long enough for you?"
"Make it three. Just to be safe."
"What the hell do you mean 'kept him inside a bit longer'?" Ichiru wrinkles his nose. "How exactly do you think childbirth works? You think it's like holding your bladder? He's a baby, not pee, you know! You can't exactly cross your legs to hold it back!"
"So glad to know at least one of you boys paid attention during sex ed." The front door clicks closed. Somehow, without having made a single noise, Seiren is back. She stomps snow off her shoes and sheds her outer layers before coming to join them, a plastic bag swinging from one hand. "Just in case you didn't know," she adds blithely, tipping the contents onto the table. Baby formula, apples, soap, crackers. "It's definitely not like holding your bladder when you have a period. Or a baby, come to think of it. There's no stopping stuff coming out, and when that happens, the vagina — "
"Oh my god, do you have to say 'vagina'?"
"Wow." Seiren drawls, stacking boxes of crackers into a pyramid. "I'm so surprised you're squeamish about this. Really. It's not like it's practically a sociological requirement for men to hate talking about vaginas and menstruation and birth, but when it comes to sex you're like blind dogs at a meat market."
"I'm not squeamish," Ichiru points out.
"I don't think it's impossible for me to be squeamish, anymore," Zero adds.
"Oh I wouldn't be so sure. Anyway, when I say men, I'm talking about this," Seiren kicks Kaito's legs out of the way, taking a seat on the floor with her back against Zero's knees. The baby snuffles, his foot wriggling away from Kaito's grasp to land on Seiren's head. She sighs, leaning her head back till the foot is planted right between her eyes. "It's not that you two aren't capable of being pathetic either. It's just that sometimes you at least try thinking before you speak."
"Hey." Kaito tries getting hold of the tiny baby foot again but fails miserably.
"Sadly, Kaito is afflicted by a severe case of foot-in-mouth syndrome," Ichiru nods sagely. "It's a side effect of his terminal foot fetish."
Zero hums in agreement, though his attention is more on the tiny person lying on his lap who is apparently tuckered out from doing absolutely nothing all day. His mouth opens in a hiccupy yawn, saliva dripping down his chin. Why are babies so… wet? Every orifice seems to ooze constantly, like a never-ending leaky faucet. Despite this, Zero is oddly charmed by him. Small hands curling and uncurling, long-lashes blinking more and more slowly.
He nudges Seiren off and heaves himself up, biting back a groan as the motion pulls at his worn muscles. The baby squeaks in surprise, but seems content to find himself still in Zero's arms. The baby… really does need a name soon. Zero stares down at him, thinking. No. He can't. He… he turns to the others instead, who are bickering amiably amongst themselves, and clears his throat. "Seiren." She hums. Zero hobbles over to the table and pokes at the cracker-box pyramid. "How much did you manage to get?"
"All the essentials. The formula should last us a good while. I didn't get everything on the list though. My trip got cut short when I… I thought I saw some people following me. Got spooked." She shrugs. "I thought I'd better leave as soon as possible, so I got them off my tail and came back."
"That's fine." All the essentials. Zero picks up the tub and reads the label. The instructions are easy to understand, yet they rush through his mind and do not stick. "Did you get what I asked for?"
Seiren sits up a little at this from where she was slumped on the floor. "Yep," she says, smiling. "It's in my bag."
Zero crosses the room and carefully opens her backpack one-handed. The baby coos, totally unbothered at being squashed against Zero's chest. In fact, he snuffles contentedly against Zero's collarbone which is quite distracting. Zero unzips the bag and digs through to find what he wants.
"It's nothing special," Seiren warns him, but he waves her off. It's fine. Nothing special is fine.
He fiddles for a couple minutes before giving up — drags a chair out, plants the baby on his lap to free his hands, and tears open the box. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Ichiru and Kaito play-wrestling, their flying limbs missing Seiren by a hair's breadth. He doesn't say a thing — it'll be their loss, should they risk hitting her.
"What is it, nii-san?" Ichiru finally calls, flinching when Kaito bites his thumb.
"Never you mind." Zero says, unpacking and assembling everything. He is surprised to find the battery already fully-charged.
"I thought you'd be wanting to use it soon," Seiren explains. He shoots her a grateful smile, and then…
And then he scoops the baby up in one arm and positions him leaning against his chest. He's half-asleep now, but thankfully isn't being difficult. He's not a very fussy baby, Zero thinks. Not bubbly either, nor completely calm. He's mostly… curious. Incredibly curious. Right now, Zero feels the whisper of his invisible fingers plucking half-heartedly at his hands. Despite being mostly asleep, the baby stubbornly continues poking him and stroking his knuckles. He has to admire his tenacity, and ducks his head with a smile. Resting his chin on the baby's crown, Zero aims the camera towards them and clicks.
The picture he finds is… not good. Zero doesn't know why he doesn't like it. He could argue that it's because he looks pretty run-down with sickness, or that he caught the baby both blinking and drooling at the same time, but it's not that. It's not that at all.
"Ooh, a camera!" Ichiru exclaims as Kaito mumbles something about "could've just used my phone". "I could take a picture of you two if you like?"
Zero shakes his head. "Nah, that's alright." He deletes the photo and turns the baby so he's cradled in one arm. He's now sound asleep, tendrils of his phantom-touch slipping away from Zero's fingers. Zero arranges him more comfortably, brushing his fingers against rosy cheeks and feather-like hair, and then he takes a second picture.
Perfect.
You can just see the curl of Zero's arm around him, but otherwise the focus is on the baby. Shiny pouting lips and a button nose wrinkled as though in distaste. It's perfect.
"I'm gonna put him down for a nap," Zero hears himself say, already walking away from them. "Behave."
"Alright mom," he thinks he hears Kaito call in response, and then the sound of someone being slapped.
Zero pauses in the doorway. Kaname is on his back, spread out like a starfish with his hair hanging in his face. Absurdly enough, a smile stretches across his face. You'd have thought a Vampire King would sleep more regally than this, but no — Kaname is a damn selfish bed-companion. Zero picked this up pretty soon after they got together. He also learnt that having such a partner meant you'd always be touching some part of one another's body whilst sleeping. There was no way to avoid it. He shuffles over as quietly as he can and slowly picks the book from Kaname's chest, replacing it with the baby. Luckily, whilst he may be a space-hogger, Kaname is not particularly animated whilst he sleeps, so he should be okay there. Zero drags the blanket up till only the baby's face is expose, and then he leaves the room, only to find Seiren pulling on her coat.
"You're leaving?" He shuts the door behind him. "Again? So soon?"
She pauses. "Well, I didn't manage to get everything on the list, did I?"
"No, but we don't need them that urgently. You could stay." Zero frowns, watching her lace her boots up.
"I might as well go now," Seiren shrugs. "Much as I love beans and canned peaches, I'm craving something fresh. Like meat."
"Ooh, yeah," Kaito calls. His voice sounds odd. Zero turns to find him caught in a headlock, Ichiru cheerfully sat on his back. "Get me some bananas too. And chocolate. And plum pickles."
Seiren raises one brow. "You sure you're not pregnant?" Kaito gapes at her, but she turns her attention to Ichiru. "Anything you want?"
He hums thoughtfully, and then nods. "LEGO."
Seiren's other eyebrow flies up to join its sister.
"LEGO."
"… for the baby."
A flicker of amusement crosses her face. "Sure." Zero hands Seiren her bag. "Anything for you?" He shakes his head. She must see that he's worried, because she smiles. "I'll be careful. Promise."
Zero hefts a sigh, but leans down to sniff her. He cringes. Touching her before was a mistake — having her lean against his legs transferred his scent to her, and now it lingers. Strangely enough, his scent got stronger after giving birth. It must be to do with hormones or something, but whatever the reason, the point is it seems to mark whatever he touches and has the effect of warding off unwanted persons. This might be useful if they were forest animals being filmed on the Discovery Channel, but when they're trying to lay low? When Seiren is about to go out into public to run errands for them? It's not good.
Ah well. It's too late now. He guesses there is one silver lining to be got from this: at least this means he can hug her goodbye. Maybe his scent will ward the people following her off her trail? (Unlikely, given their luck.) He hugs her tightly and kisses her forehead.
"Come back as soon as you've got everything," he urges, clinging tightly. "And if things get too dangerous, forget the list and just come back."
"It would probably be best for me to go somewhere else if it comes to that."
"No." Zero pulls back so he can look her right in the eye. "No, it would not. Come back, no matter what. Okay?"
"Okay," Seiren says sweetly, and without further ado, she leaves. The ghost sensation of her lips on his cheek lingers, a cold gust of wind makes it tingle as he closes the door. Zero leans against it. Drinks up the sight of his brothers safe on the couch. It anchors him. He peels himself off the door and makes to join them, but then —
There is an earsplitting shriek that freezes them all in place.
In the next second, Zero has flown across to the length of the house and somehow phased through the door into his and Kaname's room. He is there. He has no idea how he got there, but that doesn't matter — he is there, only to find Kaname rocking the baby in his arms, desperately trying to shush him to no avail.
"What did you do."
Zero snatches him from his arms and is suddenly at the opposite end of the room. This is when the door slams open and Kaito and Ichiru finally catch up. Their heads whip between him curled around the baby and Kaname hanging half out of the bed.
"What."
"I don't know. Why don't you ask him?" Zero hisses. The baby's screaming has petered off into heaving sobs. He rubs his back, though his mind is more on Kaname. All he registers is: threat, even though he knows he is not. He can't be. He's the baby's father. He wouldn't do anything to him. Still. Threat.
"I didn't… I just woke up and — he was screaming. He woke me up and — and I didn't do anything!" Kaname pleads, though he quickly becomes angry under their staring. Their frightened eyes. Rudely woken and already accused of doing things, Kaname's reaction is to get angry. Were any of them in a more reasonable mood, they wouldn't have blamed him for that. As it is — his fury isn't well received.
Kaname jumps to his feet.
It is the wrong thing to do.
Immediately the baby starts wailing again and Zero's protective instincts go into overdrive.
A wave of energy surges forth from the baby, rocking Kaname back on his feet and blasting the other two out of the door. Only Zero is unaffected by it. At that same moment, his vines fly out of his free hand to form a shield between him and Kaname. It's all too much. It's the vines that put the last nail in the coffin. Kaname reels back, and when Zero comes back to himself, he only manages to catch a flash of Kaname's wounded expression.
Then he whirls out of the room, knocking past Ichiru and Kaito.
Zero's vines wither and die. The baby goes quiet. The swell of power from before sucks in.
Panting, Zero tries to connect with what happened. It all happened so fast. His gaze drops to the baby. He is still crying, but much more quietly now. Swaying side-to-side, Zero cannot understand what happened. All he knows is he needs to see Kaname. He needs to apologise. He needs to get answers from him. The only thing going for him right now is that he knows Kaname cannot leave the house. He can storm off to somewhere else within it, but he cannot evade Zero forever. Thing is though: will Zero's presence be wanted? Will his apology be accepted? That look Kaname shot him. It was like he'd spit in his face.
Zero cannot erase it from his mind. The last time he used his vines, it was to build a wall between them. It was to stop Kaname coming near him after learning about the baby. It was to protect himself against Kaname.
How ironic was it of him to use the same method to protect the baby from Kaname just now?
Kaname must think he doesn't trust him. He must feel betrayed —
"I told you he was weird about being left with the baby," Ichiru mutters as he hands said baby over. He cannot hold him right now. Not with him shaking all over like this. Babies can pick up on emotions. Right now he is only making him more miserable.
"But they were sleeping. I put them down together. They were fine." There must be more to this. Zero doesn't understand it right now, but he knows there must be. It doesn't make sense otherwise. Kaname loves the baby, and the baby loves him too.
But it was the baby who started screaming. Kaname said so. He said he was woken by the baby, which means…
"Alright sweetie," Ichiru coos, bobbing up and down gently. "You're alright." The baby murmurs grumpily. Zero stares at him. There's that same old feeling — that flicker of fear. That there's something else at work here. Something happening beneath the veneer of what they know. He knows something, Zero's mind whispers. He was fine before, but when he realised he was alone with Kaname he started screaming. Why? He blinks.
"Zero?"
With a jump, Zero spins to find Kaito looking at him. His eldest brother has that firm, tender look about him. That utter seriousness mixed with deep understanding. The expression he wore when he was counselling Zero before. Instantly, Zero inhales slowly and lets go. Clarity trickles in.
"I need to… go lie down for a minute."
"Okay," Kaito says, herding him back towards the bed. His message is clear — leave Kaname for now. He needs space right now. Go rest. "We'll sort this all out tomorrow."
"Can you… can you make sure he's okay?" Zero wonders when it became natural to ask these things of Kaito. Checking on Kaname? That's more Ichiru's thing, but now — Ichiru is busy comforting the baby, and he… he can't. "Tell him I'm sorry. I was way out of line. I don't know why... why I did that." Zero stares at the baby again. You're fine with Kaname when it's not just you two together. What is it about him that frightens you?
Kaito nods without hesitation. "Yeah," he says, and Zero trusts that he will.
They leave him, and he approaches the bed like it's a crime scene. He stares at the rumpled sheets, remembering how happy he'd felt putting the baby down to sleep with Kaname, how sweet and warm that feeling was filling him. For a moment it cast away the spectres of doubt that were gnawing away at his soul. It shone so brightly in the darkness, giving Zero a glimpse of what happiness was waiting for him at the end of this long tunnel of suffering. His family, his heart realised, recognising for the first time what this was — what they were.
Kaname was good with the baby. That, he knew, without a doubt. They loved each other. So why the fear? Why the screaming? He shouldn't have used the vines. It was a stupid thing to do. Now Kaname thinks Zero is afraid of him, when the truth is... he's just confused by everything.
Zero knows sleep will take him (it always does), but he will get no peace tonight. His mind is back in darkness, the old frigid waves of despair clinging to him. He sinks under their waters with great reluctance, hopelessly lost.
Author's Note:
* You don't need massive tatas to produce milk, people. Tiny tits still do the job.
** Just a message to all mothers/mothers-to-be out there, do. Not. Think. This. Of. Yourselves. It's only natural that everything you have been through to bring your child(ren) into the world would leave its mark. Does that make you ugly? No. You are gorgeous and so strong for going through such a long, arduous process, and you should be proud of what you've achieved! It's perfectly normal to feel self-conscious of your post-baby body, but never think you're ugly, because you most definitely are not!
I know some might disagree with the way I have made Zero behave due to his depression. Him and Kaito both, come to think of it. Talking about it so frankly and openly to someone else can be incredibly difficult for some people, and I understand that. Myself, however? I find oversharing really easy, and talking about it is as easy as discussing the weather. Why? Maybe because it doesn't feel very real to me, therefore it strangely enough doesn't feel personal to me. Often I wonder whether I have depression at all. The only thing that confirms it to me is the change in my personality which has been mentioned by my family quite a lot. I'm more 'introspective', they say. In my opinion, the truth is that I am constantly checking my emotions, questioning whether they are real or not. That is the big change.
There are so many terrible moments of doubt where I wonder if I'm simply overthinking things. The reason for my depression doesn't seem traumatic enough. My reaction to what caused it, far too exaggerated.
The day I declare myself cured of depression is when I finally stop analysing my emotions and am content to simply feel them like I used to do.
Does Zero have postpartum depression? I'm leaving that sort of open to interpretation, though it is strongly implied. The thing with him is that he could be suffering both that and depression. Separating the two is tricky, and does it really matter the diagnosis? He is hurting. He is sick. That's the main problem. I have no firsthand experience with postpartum myself, and I am aware he could be having 'baby blues', but just from what I've put him through… I have to say, it's pretty bad, whatever it is.
Regarding Kaito… he's a veteran. He's still suffering. He'll always suffer. His trauma from both his brother and Yagari's deaths will haunt him for the rest of his life. His way of dealing with it is very much to separate himself from it, almost to the point of denying it completely, and plunging himself into the Now with a single-minded focus. His personality is very similar to Zero (in my opinion), which is why I think he'd be more successful in getting him to open up about it. Besides that, there is (as previously mentioned), the additional help of Zero oversharing.
About the baby — sorry about how graphic I wrote the labour scene. I did do a shit ton of research and learnt far more than I ever wanted to know about childbirth (if my mom could see my internet history… *shudders*). As for his name — I've already chosen one which I'm pretty happy with and pretty much settled on. Hopefully you will like it.
