Sorry as always that this has taken quite a while. I've struggled to find the time to write and struggled to figure out where I wanted this chapter to end/struggled with how I wanted it to read. But here it is! I wanted there to be more of the dinner, but the 'small ending' I tried to write ended up being so damn long I had to cut a little bit here and there, though it's still pretty wordy, so apologies for that. Thank you as always for all the wonderful encouragement, whether it be with reviews, PM's, follows, faves and so on and so forth. It means a lot to me and I'm forever grateful. I really hope you enjoy this update and hopefully the next one won't take as long to get up.
Chapter 29: Open
"So. Are you banned from the kitchen yet?"
"To be honest, I'm keeping well out of the way," Emily chuckled, switching the phone from one ear to the other as she crept down the hallway, checking in on Paige in the kitchen. Paige didn't seem to notice her hovering in the doorway, too preoccupied with the task at hand to acknowledge Emily's presence. Somewhat to Emily's surprise, Paige appeared reasonably relaxed as she worked away on the evenings dinner. Far more relaxed than Emily expected her to be, though she knew there was still time for that to change.
Paige had ushered Emily from the kitchen early on, insisting that Emily was not to lift a finger at all that day; Paige was adamant she had everything under control, that everything was planned to precision. By the looks of it, that was certainly the case. The benches were clear and ordered, Paige had even set out a neatly printed timescale and perfectly bookmarked cookbook to work from, all of which Emily noted was a little unusual for Paige.
"And I've just realised I'm dating my Mother."
"Please," Hanna scoffed, a smirk in her tone. "Paige is no Pam Fields."
"No," Emily agreed, somewhat thankfully. She gave Paige one last once over before making her way back into the living room, slumping down on the couch with a sigh. Emily felt fairly restless; her excitement, slight nerves and lack of anything to preoccupy herself with all merging together within her.
"Paige seriously isn't freaking out yet?"
"You sound almost disappointed," Emily's eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"I may or may not have a bet going with Dawn," Hanna admitted sheepishly.
"How supportive," Emily snarked, frowning. In some ways it annoyed her, though she knew it was just joking, how easily their friends could make light of how nervous Paige had been meeting Emily's Mother the first time, how nervous Paige was likely to be about the night ahead. And while yes, later on, when her parents were gone and she and Paige were lying in a hopefully sweaty yet satisfied heap on her bed, Emily would more than likely poke fun at her girlfriend for having any doubts at all, but now, all Paige's potential anxiety did was worry her. Emily hated the thought of Paige torturing herself over something as simple as dinner with her parents.
"You know I want her to pull it off," Hanna softened. "And she will, whether she has a mini-meltdown or not. Everyone knows that."
"I know," Emily smiled warmly. The sheer amount of effort Paige was pouring into the whole thing surprised her in some ways, was expected in others though mostly Emily simply felt deeply touched by it all. The trouble Paige was going to to ensure everything was absolutely perfect was testament to how much it all meant to her, and Emily had never felt luckier to have the girl in her life.
"Spence is back with the food," Hanna piped up, pulling Emily from her daze. "See you tomorrow!"
"See…you," Emily chuckled to herself as the phone cut off quickly, setting it down on the coffee table. She contemplated turning on the TV for lack of anything better to do, but couldn't quite help but be drawn back to the kitchen, back to Paige.
Emily lingered in the doorway for a moment, smiling as she watched Paige work. There was something about Paige like this, focused yet unkempt that Emily found particularly enthralling. She scanned the kitchen for a moment, her eyes narrowing as she took in the state of it.
"Okay," Emily stepped away from the doorway, a smirk tugging onto her lips. "Wow."
"Hey there," Paige looked up as she made her way to the sink, flashing Emily a quick smile as she set about washing up.
"Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?" Emily asked as she slowly made her way towards Paige, wrapping her arms around Paige's waist.
"What do you mean?" Paige's brow furrowed with almost adorable genuine concern. Emily simply chuckled fondly, her hands making their way into the water, mingling with Paige's in the suds.
"This place is spotless," Emily elaborated, her smile widening. "As are you. I've watched you cook before Paige…clean is not a word I'd use for it."
"Very funny," Paige grumbled, though Emily caught the small smirk tugging onto Paige's lips. Paige reached for the hand towel, drying Emily's hands and then her own before turning in Emily's arms, her own arms coming to rest lazily around Emily's shoulders. "I figured clear workspace, clear mind or whatever."
"Mmm," Emily nodded, distracted. Paige's hair was coming loose, the stray strands falling from the messy bun it was pulled back in framing her face in a way that Emily found completely captivating. She pulled Paige's hips into her own, urging the girl closer, their lips meeting chastely, though as always with Paige, Emily soon sank into the kiss, the world around her beginning to ebb away as Paige's lips moved expertly against her own. "Wait…"
"Wait why?" Paige pouted as Emily pulled away.
"You're not going to ban me from the kitchen for 'distracting' you?" Emily asked teasingly, quirking a playful eyebrow.
"Everything's prepped," Paige shrugged easily, Emily not failing to notice the pride Paige exuded as she spoke. It only made Emily smile wider. "I mean, I need to stick to my schedule, but I'm pretty much free to do whatever until your folks get here."
"I see," Emily smirked, feeling Paige's fingertips not so subtly ghosting beneath the hem of her t-shirt. "What do you want to do then?"
"Guess," Paige grinned, leaning forward to capture Emily's lips once again.
"Mmm, hold that thought," Emily pulled away, placing one, then two, then three pacifying kisses to the pout that had once again formed on Paige's lips. "We need to move the table."
"We do?"
"Into the living room," Emily explained. "I figure we could move the couch out of the way and have dinner in there. Less cramped."
"You don't think there's enough room in here?" Paige asked, studying the table in question contemplatively.
"Not really," Emily began, hesitating briefly. "And if we move it in there you won't have to worry about having an audience while you cook. Not that that would be a problem for you, just…"
"I get what you're trying to say," Paige smiled. "If I get in a flap, having your folks watching me is only going to make it worse."
"Yes," Emily nodded sheepishly. "Sorry."
"Don't be," Paige shook her head with a shrug, leaning back against the counter, her brow furrowing as another thought entered her mind. "But, if we move the couch...where will we sit after dinner? And beforehand, for pre-dinner drinks?"
"We're having pre-dinner drinks?" Emily asked, smirking slightly in amusement at just how seriously Paige was taking planning the evening.
"I was going to make Gimlet's as a sort of aperitif," Paige explained.
"Aperitif's?" Emily beamed, much to Paige's embarrassment.
"Okay, maybe that is a little too much," Paige relented, rocking on her heels slightly as she looked around the kitchen.
"I actually think my Mom would love it," Emily admitted. "She's a sucker for a dinner party."
"I know."
"You do?" Emily asked.
"Ah, yeah," Paige nodded. Emily looked at her curiously for a moment, before Paige sighed, tipping her head towards the cookbook on the counter. Emily looked closer, recognising the spine, kicking herself for thinking that Paige actually owned it. She'd recognise the colour system anywhere, each marker sticking out organised into not only courses but also seasons and occasions.
"How did you get that?" Emily asked with a surprised smile, turning to pick up the book, flicking through the pages.
"While you and your Dad were having your Father-Daughter date, your Mom and I were having a date of own," Paige explained, fidgeting nervously.
"Wait…that was your business in Rosewood?" Emily asked, smiling in disbelief. "When did you plan that?"
"When you were in the shower Saturday, we were on the phone?" Paige began, Emily nodding to let her know she was following. "I asked her if she wanted anything in particular tonight, or if there was anything she thought your Dad would like and I guess I sounded kind of at a loss…long story short, she ended up asking to meet me for coffee and giving me this."
"Okay, something's definitely not right here," Emily teased, tugging Paige towards her again. "The thought of speaking to my Mom usually makes you break out in hives."
"No it doesn't," Paige shook her head, flashing Emily a half smile. "Fine. Maybe I'm a little nervous around her. But it's only because…"
"You want her to like you. I know."
"I meant what I said on Thursday," Paige said softly. "I want to get to know her. Both of them."
"I know," Emily smiled, leaning forward to peck Paige's lips. "So, you're cooking my Mom's own recipes? Bold move, McCullers."
"Don't remind me," Paige laughed, Emily finally catching a glimpse of Paige's well hidden nerves. Emily's squeezed Paige's waist with her free hand in an act of silent encouragement.
"Which ones did you go for?"
"Well, the white markers are…"
"Winter classics," Emily smiled.
"And blues are…"
"My Dad's favourites," Emily continued, flicking one of the markers in question as her fingers brushed across the cover. "So you're…"
"Making his favourite 'winter' main," Paige nodded, smiling. "And your Mom's favourite appetiser. And what I'm hoping will be your favourite dessert."
"I love you so much," Emily thought aloud, unable to help the admission, her heart practically bursting as she watched Paige look away bashfully. The second Paige's eyes met hers with a warm smile she couldn't contain herself any longer, the distance closed between them in an instant, their lips crushing together in a deep kiss.
"I love you," Paige mumbled against her lips as the kiss continued, pushing Emily backwards until she felt her back bump against the table, Paige smirking into the kiss as she deepened it, her hands gripping Emily's thighs in an attempt to lift her onto said table.
"Easy tiger," Emily giggled, pulling back. "We have a table to move."
"But…"
"Later," Emily promised, a smirk tugging onto her lips as she laced her fingers together with Paige's. She had every intention of showing Paige exactly how grateful she was once her parents had left.
"Em?"
Emily heard Paige calling out to her as she made her way back towards her bedroom, her steps quickening instinctively at the sound of Paige's voice.
"Everything okay?" Emily asked once she stepped inside, a bemused smile tugging onto her lips when she took in the sight before her.
"What are you wearing tonight?" Paige looked up at her from the floor where she was currently sprawled out, surrounded by what appeared to be her entire wardrobe.
"How did you fit all of that in your overnight?" Emily asked with a chuckle, carefully manoeuvring her way through the piles of clothing so that she could perch on the end of her bed as she finished towelling off her hair.
"I couldn't decide what to wear," Paige frowned, casting her eyes across her choices, her frown only seeming to deepen as she surveyed the items covering the floor. "What are you wearing?"
"That," Emily tipped her head to her wardrobe, her dress hanging neatly from the top. It was nothing too fancy, they were eating at home after all, but still it had little something. She'd overheard her Dad asking what tie to wear when she'd checked in with her Mom earlier, along with mentions of a dinner jacket, so she knew her parents were treating it as a reasonably formal occasion.
"I can't decide what to wear," Paige repeated, flopping back onto the floor with a sigh. Emily sensed Paige's frustration and knew that it was most likely thanks to her nerves creeping up the nearer dinner time got.
"Okay, let me see," Emily stood, tossing one towel onto the bed as she tightened the other around her torso. She studied the different options for a moment, a grin tugging onto her lips when she found what she was looking for. "This."
"That?" Paige sat up to survey the top Emily held up out to her, unconvinced. "You sure? It's not a little too…revealing?"
"It's smart, but not too smart," Emily shrugged, biting back a smirk. "And you look ridiculously hot in it."
"How do you know?" Paige stood, taking the shirt from Emily and holding it up against her torso contemplatively.
"You wore it to Aria's party that time," Emily mused, her gaze dropping at the memory. "You know, the one where we…"
"Almost kissed," Paige nodded in acknowledgement. "That I did."
"It's kind of perfect for tonight, because it's smart, but still casual…and I get to ogle you over dinner."
"Well, I wouldn't want to rob you of that," Paige smirked, glancing down at the top in question. "It's my first date outfit. I don't know if it did anything for Shana that night…"
"It definitely had an effect on me," Emily admitted. It wasn't a lie. In fact, Paige in that outfit was one of the many mental images she had stored of Paige for nights where she was alone and restless. The second Paige had walked in alongside Hanna that night, so confidently in her fitted slacks and the semi-sheer black shirt Paige was currently holding, Emily's brain had short-circuited and her resolve to stay away from the girl for the sake of her relationship with Ellie had seriously wavered.
"I guess it did," Paige chuckled, frowning a little the more she thought about it. She scoured the floor for the matching pants, making her way to Emily's bed and laying them out neatly, before standing back and studying them.
"And on the plus side, it's light, so it'll keep you cool in the kitchen," Emily mused aloud, looking up to see Paige nodding in agreement.
Emily could feel Paige's eyes on her as she removed her towel, pulling on her underwear before making her way to her dresser and combing out her hair.
"Can I help you?" Emily cocked an eyebrow, teasingly, Paige having the decency to blush as she looked away.
"Em...If Spencer hadn't interrupted us and you'd kissed me," Paige began, taking Emily by surprise. "Do you think we'd have still ended up together?"
"I don't know," Emily considered the question. The guilt she'd felt over just thinking about it had been hard enough for her to cope with, knowing she'd actually consciously, soberly kissed Paige whilst dating Ellie would have only increased that guilt tenfold. "Yes I do."
"You do?"
"We'd be together now," Emily smiled confidently. Looking at Paige now, she found it impossible to see it any other way. "Maybe it would've taken longer to happen, it definitely would have…hurt more, but like you've said. We were always ending up with each other."
"I'm glad you think so," Paige smiled warmly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt as Emily turned back to the mirror and resumed doing her hair. "Em?"
"Yes?"
"Did your Dad like Ellie?"
"Paige," Emily turned warningly, recognising the tone, an amused smile tugging onto her lips. "We are not going there."
"Okay," Paige sighed. Emily turned until they were fully facing, not convinced. "It's just…Ellie's a doctor you know and I…"
"Make his little girl very very happy," Emily cut Paige off, standing and making her way toward her. Emily placed her knee's either side of Paige's thighs, intent on making sure she had Paige's full attention. She didn't want Paige to slump into the same anxious spiral she had when she'd met Emily's Mother the first time. "Don't compare okay? You were doing so well today."
"Sorry," Paige sighed. "I can't help it. It's just…look, if my Dad knew I'd passed over a…"
Emily watched curiously as Paige's breath hitched, an almost grimace tugging onto her lips as she mentioned her Father, Paige's demeanour changing to something else entirely.
"Paige?"
"You're right," Paige said after a beat, holding her hands up in surrender. "I don't need to get nervous and I don't need to compare."
"Right," Emily agreed, her brow still furrowed.
"Come on," Paige said, pressing her lips to Emily's chastely before tapping her thighs, signalling for her to get up. "You've got to put some clothes on before I get distracted and end up blowing this whole evening because I couldn't keep my hands off you."
"You're not going to blow it," Emily said softly, shaking her head. She didn't doubt it.
Not one bit.
Paige found herself quietly proud of how well her nerves were holding up. She'd wavered a little in the process of getting ready, the reminder of Ellie throwing her confidence a little, but she'd gotten back into a well controlled stride once they were both dressed, confident that everything was going to be just fine. At least until she heard Emily's phone ding, signalling that the Fields' were on their way up.
After that, Paige could do nothing but quietly curse herself for unravelling so quickly. In truth, she knew it was to be expected. She'd spent the majority of the day gladly distracted, either with Emily or with the preparation of dinner itself, so much so it had been easy to forget that the dinner part still actually had to happen. All it took was the immediacy of the situation for her become a nervous wreck, on the inside at least. Paige hoped Emily wouldn't notice.
Then Emily was pulling her up off the couch, toward the front door after a steady knock and Paige felt like she might hyperventilate. She was about to serve dinner to her girlfriends parents. She was about to serve Pam's own recipes to Pam. It was that thought that unravelled her completely.
She was no Pam Fields.
Emily had noticed it all, of course. Paige chanced a glance at her, finding Emily smiling at her knowingly, amusedly, fondly shaking her head. Emily leant in, capturing Paige's lips in a kiss that made her mind go blank, somehow managing to calm her and ignite her all in the same moment.
Then the door opened and Paige was right back to hyperventilating again.
Pam entered first, hugging Emily, then Paige in turn and Paige felt herself becoming a little more relaxed, mostly thanks to the genuine fondness Pam seemed to be developing for her. Paige remembered the conversation they'd shared in the Fields' kitchen the first night they met; knowing Pam had already looked past her bumbling nervousness once before gave Paige a much needed confidence boost.
Then there was Wayne.
Paige had hoped he wouldn't notice the way she wiped her hands on her pants and that he wouldn't notice the way they trembled as she moved to take the hand he offered out to her, though in the end, it didn't matter. Paige held out the wrong hand, then again when they simultaneously switched to accommodate the other, then once again as they repeated the action. Paige cursed herself inwardly for stumbling at the first hurdle, but all Wayne did was laugh lightly and offer her a hug instead.
Aperitif's, regardless of how much Emily teased her about them, seemed to have been a good idea. The time it took Paige to prepare them gave her a chance to gather her nerves, then holding the glass gave her fidgeting hands something to do. Emily's hand had fixed itself to Paige's knee once they were seated and despite Paige nervously and cautiously studying the way Wayne eyed the placement of Emily's hand, it still managed to reassure her, calm her. They were here together and there was nothing to worry about played as a mantra in Paige's mind.
The drinks also allowed time for gentle conversation, which, by what Paige considered a stroke of serious luck, Pam had taken charge of. By even better luck, Pam's main topic of conversation was Paige. Pam talked favourably about how 'wonderful' Paige had been during their brief get together that Saturday, really talking Paige up.
Paige liked Pam.
Wayne wasn't as she'd expected. Paige had expected him to be sterner, more reserved somehow, though where she'd gotten that assumption from she didn't know, especially knowing how close Emily was to him and remembering the way Emily talked about him, often. He was laid back, incredibly so, and rather funny too. Paige was glad to find she felt relaxed in his presence. She'd worried she'd feel uncertain around him, much like she'd worried she'd envy his interaction with Emily. It was clear from the offset how much he adored his daughter, though envy was the last thing on Paige's mind. Emily was happy, ridiculously happy to have him home and that was all Paige found herself able to focus on.
Maybe it was thanks to the easy conversation, or possibly the extra shot of gin she'd slipped into her own Gimlet, that meant by the time they sat down to eat Paige felt a little more relaxed, a little more in control. Conversation continued easily as the worked on their appetisers, mostly focusing on Wayne's time in the military, with a few compliments for Paige's cooking laced in for good measure. It wasn't until Paige caught Pam shooting her an appreciative thumbs up that she actually believed she'd pulled it off.
The first course at least.
In some ways, Emily wished she could record moments like this, so that later, when Paige would likely be going over the evening in her mind, trying to gauge it's success, Emily could play it back to her and make her witness first hand just how well she was doing.
The nerves were still there. Emily could see them now and then, whenever there was a lull in the conversation her eyes found Paige and Emily could see the quiet reassurances Paige gave herself when she thought no one was looking. As before, when she'd taken Paige to meet her Mom for the first time, Paige's nerves weren't a hindrance to her, they only made her all the more endearing. It was very obvious that Pam thought so anyway. The food was even better than she'd imagined, Emily hoping Paige knew no-one was simply being polite with their compliments. She'd really pulled it off.
Emily had considered bringing up Penn at some point, toying with the idea that Paige being there would make any backlash her parents, mostly her Mother, gave her a little less biting. She'd decided against it, not wanting to make the night awkward in any way. She still wasn't 100% sure it would be the right decision to opt out of furthering her education and in truth, wanted a better idea of her options before discussing it with her parents. Paige was smiling more, laughing more, relaxing more, they all were. Emily didn't want to risk upsetting that balance.
They were about midway through the main course and Emily was now certain that her Father liked Paige. She'd kept a keen eye on him throughout the night, trying to gauge his opinion of Paige, but thus far, he'd given little away.
Until now.
The conversation had quietened down some as they worked on their food and Emily caught him looking at Paige contemplatively, as if deciding something in his mind. Then as he'd looked away, he'd smiled. Emily recognised the smile, it was the same proud smile he wore whenever she'd won a race in high school, in college…whenever she'd done anything he was truly proud of. She'd found it odd initially, but when he looked up, offering her a warm smile and a half nod, she finally understood. He smiled like that whenever she was happy, and he knew more than anything, Paige made Emily happy.
Emily's hand found Paige's beneath the table, their fingers lacing together. When Paige looked up to her Emily couldn't help but smile. Paige raised her eyebrows, silently asking how Emily thought she was doing and all Emily could do was smile wider, shaking her head. Paige had to know already.
She was doing great.
"How am I doing?" Paige asked as she scraped off the last of the plates into the trash can, thankful that Emily had decided to join her in the brief respite they had between the main and dessert. "I think it's going okay."
"I'd agree."
Paige's head shot up at the sound of Wayne's voice, almost dropping the plate in the can, but thankfully managing to catch it. She nodded at him awkwardly with a smile, as she walked towards the sink, dropping the last plate in the water. "I'm sorry Sir…I thought you were Emily."
"Wayne," Wayne smiled with a chuckle, rolling up his sleeves as he made his way into the kitchen. "And I know you did."
"Right. Sorry. Wayne," Paige apologised, smiling awkwardly again, willing herself to relax. Nothing throughout the evening had suggested she needed to be anything but relaxed. She watched as he made his way to the sink, springing into action when he started washing the dishes. "Oh, Wayne, you really don't have to…"
"I'll wash, you dry," Wayne interjected, tossing Paige the tea towel.
"Okay," Paige agreed dubiously, though she didn't protest.
"They're talking about some TV show I've never heard of, so I figured you and I could hang out a little. Get to know one another."
"Great," Paige smiled, once again willing herself to calm down.
"So, Emily tells me you cook for a living?" Wayne asked, passing Paige a plate, offering her an easy smile.
"Uh, sort of," Paige shrugged, drying the plate and setting it aside, gladly taking another. "Just in a café. Nothing fancy."
"Well, dinner was delicious," Wayne smiled warmly, handing her another plate. "Is it something you want to progress in? Culinary arts or something like that?"
"Um, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it," Paige shrugged, frowning at how disinterested her words sounded. "Not that I'm…not that I don't have ambitions."
"Of course," Wayne simply smiled at her again, something about his expression calming her. They settled into an easy silence as they finished off the last of the dishes, Wayne clearing them away as Paige set about plating up dessert.
"You don't have to wait," Paige waved Wayne off. "I can manage."
"I don't mind," Wayne shrugged, leaning back against the counter, Paige trying not to waver under his intense stare. "I'll help you carry them in."
"Thanks."
"You make Emily very happy," Wayne mused after a beat, Paige's eyes meeting his curiously.
"You think so?"
"It's very obvious," Wayne nodded, one lip quirked up into a smile.
"Right," Paige nodded, considering his words. "Do you…uh, mind?" Paige asked, frowning as she spoke. "That…that I'm the one making her happy?"
"No Paige," Wayne simply chuckled warmly, patting her on the back. "I don't mind at all."
"That's good," Paige nodded. Why he'd decided to mention it, she didn't know, but it could only be a good thing.
"I mean to say," Wayne began, picking up two of the plates Paige had set out as she picked up the remaining two. "As old fashioned as it may sound, it puts my mind at rest knowing whenever I'm away, that someone is here looking out for her, when I can't."
"Of course."
"That she's in safe hands."
"She is."
"I can see that," Wayne smiled warmly, urging Paige to lead the way.
Emily left the kitchen, her eyes settling on Paige instantly. She'd finished doing the last of the dishes after insisting once her parents had left that Paige was to relax for the rest of the night. Paige hadn't taken much persuading, clearly exhausted. She was currently sprawled out on the couch, her head tipped back, her eyes closed contentedly. She nursed a beer in her right hand, her left arm draped open across the back of the couch invitingly. Emily leant against the wall at the end of the hall, smiling, allowing herself a moment just to admire Paige.
Emily could tell Paige was deep in thought, guessing it was more than likely for Paige to be replaying the evening in her mind, trying to gauge it's success. Emily hoped it was obvious that it had been a great success, if it even had to be measured in such a way. Emily knew for Paige it had to be, that to Paige it was an important occasion; an important step on their journey together. It was for Emily too of course, but what she'd loved most about the evening overall was how natural it had felt, from Paige's almost charming nervousness, to her Father's easiness, to her Mother's gushing and Emily's own admiration that Paige pulled such an evening off. They felt like a family already and the night felt less like a first meeting and more like a regular occurrence. Emily looked forward to many more.
Eventually Emily took the invitation of Paige's embrace, settling down next to Paige on the couch, her arm snaking across Paige's waist as her head came to rest against Paige's shoulder. Paige's head tilted until it was resting against Emily's own, Emily smiling at the contact.
"I like this," Emily hummed, her arm tightening a little around Paige's waist. She didn't particularly want to break the silence, but wanted to think that particular thought aloud. Paige's response was a simple kiss to Emily's forehead; an acknowledgement that she was listening, an acknowledgement that she agreed.
Emily didn't just mean the peace and quiet they shared, or the closeness, or the way her skin tingled as Paige's fingers drew lazy shaped across the skin of her upper arm. She'd liked arriving home early that afternoon to find Paige waiting for her outside her building. She'd liked the flowers Paige had presented to her, Paige explaining she'd noticed the empty vase on the table that weekend. She'd liked the care Paige had taken to ensure the bouquet she'd chosen wasn't made up of flowers Pam was allergic to. Emily had loved spending the better part of the day in her apartment with Paige and Paige alone. She liked the picture it allowed her to create in her mind, a picture of a future where instead of waiting outside, Paige would be inside their apartment, a future where she would be going home to Paige every night.
Emily considered telling Paige what she was thinking, but decided instead that kissing was what she really wanted in that moment, shifting slowly until she could lean forward and press their lips together. Paige's eyes remained closed when Emily pulled away, a goofy smile plastered on her lips. The smile was infectious, Emily breaking out into one of her own as she connected their lips once more.
"What were you thinking about?" Emily mumbled against Paige's lips as they continued to kiss lazily, Paige smiling into the kiss.
"I'm thinking I did good," Paige pulled back to set her beer on the table, laughing a little, as if surprised by her own admission.
"I agree," Emily grinned, pulling Paige back to her, kissing her once again. "You did good."
"You really think so?" Paige pulled back as Emily guided her backwards on to the couch, her hand settling on the back of Paige's neck when as Paige hovered above her.
"I know so," Emily grinned urging Paige's lips back to her own. She pulled Paige's body down until it covered her own, Paige deepening the kiss invitingly.
"Em?" Paige pulled back hesitantly after a while, staring down at Emily hesitantly.
"Yeah?" Emily asked, cupping Paige's cheek, her brow furrowing in concern as Paige continued to hesitate.
"Could we maybe just go to bed?" Paige asked, looking away with a blush. "Just to sleep? I'm pretty beat."
"Of course," Emily let out a relieved laugh, happy that Paige was simply tired. She leant up to kiss Paige softly before shifting, offering out her hand to Paige and beginning to lead her towards her bedroom.
"Sorry."
"Why?" Emily asked, her face scrunching in confusion.
"I know you had your heart set on kinky thank you sex," Paige smirked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
"Maybe," Emily rolled her eyes, bumping Paige with her shoulder. "Right up until you called it kinky thank you sex."
"You really think it went well?" Paige asked, her seriousness returning, seemingly unable to help herself voicing the question.
"Tonight was perfect Paige," Emily assured her, squeezing Paige's hand. "I can't wait to do it again."
"Me either," Paige smiled and Emily could tell the smile, and the sentiment, was genuine. "But…"
"But?"
"Next time," Paige began, meeting Emily's eyes with a smirk. "Can we go out for dinner?"
"I think that sounds like a plan."
Paige tossed. Then turned. Then tossed and turned, and tossed and turned, until eventually she managed to settle on her back, though not without a heavy sigh. To her disappointment her relief and elation that the evening had been such a success had begun to wane and the exhaustion she'd felt seconds before climbing into bed had dissipated the second Paige closed her eyes to sleep.
Sleep hadn't come.
Paige turned again, this time to face Emily, happy that her constant fidgeting hadn't disturbed the other girls slumber. Emily looked so peaceful, having found sleep easily and Paige decided to focus on the steady rise and fall of Emily's body, hoping the simple action would calm her mind and will her own sleep to come. Paige puffed out a breath when she realised it wasn't going to happen. She resisted the urge to turn again, instead shuffling closer to Emily, her hand smoothing over the exposed skin of Emily's upper arm. It was cold to the touch, prompting Paige to gather up the sheet and move closer still, covering them both up to the chin. Emily shuffled closer in her sleep and Paige smiled, opening up her arms for the sleeping girl to burrow into.
How she was wide awake, Paige didn't know. It wasn't until she'd relaxed back onto the couch after Emily's parents had left that'd she'd felt the effects of the day catching up with her, both the physical and mental preparations she'd taken working up to dinner leaving her body exhausted.
Paige glanced to the clock, puffing out another sigh. It was just past midnight, and today Paige would be spending the majority of her time with her Father. Quite possibly the most time she'd spent with him alone, one on one, since she was a child. That was what was keeping her awake. That was the thought that had her stomach twisting.
Paige didn't know what to expect, though past experience gave her some ideas and she didn't know what scared her more. The known or the unknown. The strangest emotion, of all the emotions swarming around within her at that moment, was the slightest hint of excitement. For longer than she cared to remember the thought of having to interact with her Father left Paige nauseous among many other, equally as unpleasant, sensations. But even though the nausea was there and only increasing the nearer morning came, excitement was definitely there and it confused her.
Paige had no grounds for excitement and she'd come too far to get her hopes up only for them to be crushed once again.
Paige's eyes settled on Emily once more. The room was dark save for moonlight creeping through the window, the curtains only half closed. Emily looked so content, the side of her face practically smushed against Paige's collar, her hand a fist against Paige's chest, gripping at fabric that wasn't there. For a moment Paige considered waking her. Perhaps with a kiss, perhaps with a series of kisses, knowing one surefire way of clearing her mind was losing herself in Emily. Paige even thought about waking Emily just to talk. Her mind flit to Dawn the night before, urging her to open up, if not to her, to Emily.
Paige decided against both, instead pressing a gentle kiss to Emily's hairline, closing her eyes as she breathed Emily in, willing sleep to come.
"You're shaking."
Paige's eyes opened at the sound of Emily's groggy voice, her girlfriend shifting away from her slightly as she adjusted to being awake.
"It's cold."
Paige felt Emily moving again, Emily's hand reaching up to push back Paige's hair, her eyes meeting Paige's with concern. It was if Emily could see right through her, look into her. It was all there in Emily's gaze; she knew Paige wasn't shaking because of the cold.
"You're sweating Paige."
"I know."
"Paige?" Emily sighed, concern etched in her voice, her hand moving soothingly against the skin of Paige's hip. Emily shifted again, pushing the sheet down slightly and fanning it, attempting to cool Paige off. She tucked her arm under her head to support it as she looked on, Paige mirroring the action as they stared at each other in the darkness. "What's going on?"
Paige hesitated, but Emily was having none of it.
"Paige."
"My Dad came to see me the other day."
Emily's hand stilled against Paige's skin momentarily, quickly resuming her ministrations, her expression prompting Paige to continue.
"He's moving out," Paige began. "He wants my Mom to have the house."
"Wow. That's…"
"I know."
"That's why you've been so…" Emily hesitated for the right word. "So withdrawn lately? He's been on your mind?"
"He didn't just come to tell me that," Paige continued, gnawing at her lip at the thought. "He's moving out tomorrow. Today. He asked me to help him move."
"You?" Emily asked incredulously, wincing apologetically once she spoke. "Sorry."
"No, that was pretty much my reaction," Paige managed a half smile.
"So tomorrow…"
"I'm helping him move."
With something as simple as that, Paige felt a little lighter. She frowned at that, wishing she'd told Emily sooner. Paige could see Emily processing the information, her features illuminated only by the moonlight from the window.
"Okay," Emily hummed thoughtfully. "He must of come to you for a reason."
Paige had almost expected Emily to be hurt in a way, to ask when he'd came and why Paige hadn't mentioned it earlier. Paige was thankful Emily didn't.
"I'd like to think that."
"But?"
"He's my Dad," Paige shrugged, as if that explained everything.
"Yeah," Emily sighed, finding Paige's hand and taking it in her own.
"I have this fear…"
"Tell me," Emily urged softly as Paige hesitated.
"I'm scared that the only reason he came to me is so the neighbours don't get suspicious," Paige admitted. She was sure to Emily it sounded ridiculous, but she knew first hand how important the opinions of others were to him.
"Paige, I'm sure he wouldn't…"
"You don't know him like I do."
"No," Emily didn't fight that. "I don't."
There was the slightest hint of disappointment in her tone, Paige deciding it was fair enough. It was a part of herself Paige kept well guarded, from everyone, even from herself at times and she was thankful Emily seemed to understand her reasoning for that. Paige's mind flitted to Dawn again, calling her out for being so closed off. It wasn't always a conscious decision and Paige felt like she'd come a long way from the girl too afraid to open up to Emily for fear of scaring her off. Talking about her past, her Father, it simply took her to places that were uncomfortable to revisit.
"I'm sorry," Paige sighed softly. "I find it hard to talk about."
"I understand."
"Maybe I should try."
"Maybe."
Paige rolled onto her back, her arm lifting instinctively, knowing that Emily would follow. Sure enough she felt Emily shuffling closer, an arm wrapping across her waist tightly.
"We used to be really close," Paige began, clearing her throat when her voice came out low and raspy. "When I was a kid. Really close."
Paige tucked one arm beneath her head as she stared up at the ceiling, the other drawing lazy shapes across Emily's back, mostly to steady her, remind her that she was safe. Emily shuffled closer still, reminding Paige she was there, that she was listening.
The words came easier than she'd expected them to. Paige had never talked openly about those memories, about how she remembered her Father before everything had taken a turn for the worse. Maybe it was the safety Emily always offered her, maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was her exhaustion, but the words came. Paige started from the beginning, as early as she could remember.
Paige talked about how close her family had been, when it had been just the three of them. They'd lived in the city, her Father working as an assistant swim coach at Penn State and what Paige remembered most was his passion for the job. He'd taught Paige to swim at an early age, though it was never about competition, only ever about enjoyment. Paige had grown to love swimming at an early age, mostly because it connected the two of them. It was something they shared, just the two of them and for all later on swimming would become her escape from the world, as a child it was all about Sunday mornings with her Father.
Talking about the memories of those days was bittersweet. Paige explained that she didn't know if she could quite trust them. In her memory, she'd idolised her Father and he'd adored her, but now those memories seemed something like a dream, the man in them so far removed from the man he'd become not long after.
Getting to that was a little harder. Emily held her close, waited patiently, steadying Paige whenever she began to hesitate. Paige found herself faltering as she replayed the coming years in her mind, still so distraught that things had changed so easily. The most painful thing out of everything had always been losing the man in her memories.
When her Mother fell pregnant with Caitlin, they'd moved to a bigger house, the same house her Father planned on vacating the following morning. Paige had loved it. It had a huge yard and her Father had hinted that he planned on installing a pool. That had come a few summers later. At some point just after Caitlin's birth he'd left his coaching job, deciding instead to focus on establishing the business he'd set up with Paige's uncle.
"McCullers Mervin?" Emily interjected, throwing Paige slightly.
"Right," Paige nodded, wondering when she'd mentioned it before, but continuing undeterred. "Financial Consultancy and Business Management. A world away from coaching. My Dad loved his job at Penn and even then I think I could see how much it hurt him to give it up."
Looking back, Paige could see that it had been a huge sacrifice on his part. Talking about how their closeness had ebbed away after that was hard, especially when, unlike later, their clashing personalities had nothing to do with it. Establishing a business took up a lot of time and Caitlin, as a baby, took up a lot of time to. Her parents had a desire to become heavily involved in their new community, especially the church. All of this coincided with her Father becoming stricter.
Paige hesitated again, Emily steadied her again. She continued, telling Emily of the importance he'd always placed on restraint, the importance of only showing the world your 'best self'. As a young child, Paige had taken this to mean being yourself at all costs, but it wasn't until her early teens that she'd realised what he'd actually meant and discovered the expectations he had of her. The way they were perceived became everything to him, status was of the utmost importance. Paige had realised quickly that the person she was expected to be and the person she was discovering on the inside didn't match up, and that had terrified her.
Paige glanced to the clock once again, sighing. There was so much to get into. Emily noticed, shaking her head.
"We have all the time in the world."
Paige nodded thankfully, glad Emily was willing to listen. She hadn't realised until now how much she'd wanted to get things off her chest. Paige explained that she'd never really thought about her sexuality. Before they moved, she'd been home schooled, then when she'd started High School, it was an all girls school, so she'd simply blamed her lack of interest on the lack of boys. It wasn't until she kissed a boy that she'd started to suspect her lack of interest was coming from somewhere else entirely.
Paige went on to talk about Dawn, how they'd met late in Freshman year and of the positive effect Dawn had had on her, encouraging Paige to come out of her shell a bit more in school. Dawn saw the world in a way Paige had never considered before, and slowly but surely, Dawn coaxed the real Paige out of her. Not her sexuality, for all Dawn swore she'd know since the moment they'd met, Paige was first oblivious, then had kept it well hidden. With Dawn alongside her, Paige found a place in school, found her voice. When the time came she'd made the swim team easily and for the most part, she was happy.
Her Father had started to train her, but it wasn't like before. He was having trouble at work, with her uncle, his partner and his stress manifested itself in anger. Paige mused to Emily that she suspected now, looking back, a lot of his frustration came from leaving his coaching job behind. He didn't seem to see the fun in swimming anymore and the harder her got with her, the less Paige saw the fun in it either. Emily seemed particularly saddened by that. Where once Paige would've felt pitied, she only felt Emily's love.
Somewhere along the line, Paige had figured out why she was so disinterested in boys. It quickly became her secret, one she coveted, one she would never tell. At some point though, Dawn had figured it out for herself. All Dawn ever talked about was this guy, or that guy (Paige musing that little had changed) and Paige had never cared to join in. At the time Dawn's questioning had terrified her, but the more Dawn pushed, the more they talked, Paige realised her friend wasn't pushing her away but trying to help her. Eventually, she'd found the courage to admit out loud how she felt. Dawn's acceptance had buoyed her and for all she'd been no where near ready to tell her parents, she'd started to drop gentle hints here and there, trying to gauge what kind of reaction they might have. The things her parents, her Father especially had to say were far from accepting.
The only way Paige could think to describe the effect his words had on her was the call it a kind of relapse. Whatever she'd felt when she'd opened up to Dawn, it disappeared quickly. Paige tried to convince herself it was a phase, anything that meant it wasn't true and vowed to ignore it. Best laid plans of course. Paige found herself falling for her teammate and sharing a room during an away meet, they'd shared a kiss in the darkness of their hotel room. The feeling was mutual and Paige had never felt happier.
"I…" Paige hesitated. It wasn't a memory she was particularly fond of. "I never really understood, why. We didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. She kissed me back…that's all we did, kiss. She ignored me a school and a week later, my Dad got this letter."
"No…"
"I think she'd freaked out, got scared. She'd tried to talk to her parents about how she felt about me, about what happened," Paige sighed, her heart aching at the memory. "They didn't want to hear it and blamed me I guess. They wrote to my folks, explaining what we'd done. They said I'd tried to 'corrupt' her."
"Paige…"
"It was bad timing. My Dad had just figured out my Uncle, Paul, well he'd been…"
'Stealing, from their clients," Emily cut Paige off, flashing Paige an apologetic look. "Sorry. Spencer told me. She studied the case when she was gearing up for law school. Her Dad defended…Paul."
"Ah," Paige processed the information, accepting it. It was natural for Emily to have had questions and if Spencer had been able to answer them, so be it. "Well, they had to shut down the company while it was being investigated. It took forever. It really destroyed him. He gave up one job he loved to start another and when their reputation went into tatters so did he. He became even more hateful, and he took it out on me mostly. I was the easiest target, especially after that letter. I couldn't deny it…I didn't want to deny it and that just seemed to make things worse."
The rest, Paige tried to get through quickly. Emily knew some of it already of course, which helped. Paige was outed and it was painful, even now, it was painful. She told Emily how she wished she'd focused on her Mother more, that she'd always tried to be there for Paige even if she couldn't understand. But at the time, hate had consumed her. She hated her Father and she'd hated herself too. She hurt herself. He'd kept her from Caitlin and Evan for months after the letter and she'd never felt more alone.
"Paige," Emily's voice came soft and broken. Paige shook her head. The next part was the worst part, but it all lead her to where she was now.
Paige went through what Emily already knew. She'd lost her scholarship to Stanford when their constant fighting had finally come to a head. He'd forced her into Pittsburgh. The people Paige had met once she was there had opened her eyes once again, much like Dawn had, to a world far removed from the one she had at home. Paige slowly remembered she didn't have to be who anyone else wanted her to be, especially her Father, that she only needed to be herself. She'd gathered every ounce of courage she had and left Pittsburgh. Her Father had taken the news as expected, and worse, Paige had told him on the day of his first heart attack.
Paige paused for a long while then, the guilt she'd felt about that and everything directly after still weighing on her heavily, even now. Paige eventually continued, clearing her throat. She explained how she'd left home in a hurry, strung out with guilt and pain after he'd refused to see her in the hospital. How Caitlin had sobbed after her and how she'd barely given her Mother a second glance.
"And you know the rest," Paige shrugged, letting out a shaky breath. As difficult as it was, she did feel like a weight had been lifted. "For a long time after that, I felt very inadequate. I lost swimming and college and my family…I felt very worthless, for a very long time. It wasn't until coming back here that I realised…well, so many things. I'm not worthless."
Emily's hand cupped her face, wiping at tears Paige hadn't realised had fallen. When her eyes met Emily's, she realised Emily's eyes were full of tears too.
"Hey," Paige soothed, turning, her own hand cupping Emily's cheek. "I didn't mean to upset you."
Emily shook her head, taking Paige's hand in her own.
"Em…"
"There was a time when you thought telling me any of that would make me think less of you," Emily shook her head, voice thick with emotion, almost distraught at the thought. "Paige I…"
"I know," Paige cut her off, willing Emily to see the certainty in her eyes. What she'd done to deserve it, Paige didn't know, but she had no doubt at all about how much Emily loved her, would always love her, no matter what. "I'm happy now. I'm okay. I've got my family back, I've worked hard for that. I found you. I'm okay now."
"What about tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Well, I'm terrified," Paige shrugged. She'd come so far, she didn't know if it was worth the pain of a setback anymore. Yet she still felt the urge to try. "Friday night, when he asked me…it's the first time since I was a teenager that he's actually come to me first, sought me out. He could of just called, left a voicemail…I dunno. But he came to see me. Two buses Em, just to see me," Paige's voice cracked. "My heart is telling me that he's coming around, that he heard me when I told him that he had to change for himself and everyone else. But my head is telling me that I'm just going to get hurt again. I'm tired of that. I don't want that."
"But you think it's worth the risk," Emily said softly, knowingly. "If you didn't, you wouldn't go."
"No."
"Paige…"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Paige cut Emily off, pushing the hair back from Emily's face. "I know I should have told you. I know I shouldn't keep things bottled up."
"Maybe not, but you're telling me now."
"I didn't want you worrying about me," Paige admitted, quickly cutting Emily off before she had a chance to butt in. "I wanted to focus on tonight, not on tomorrow. Today."
"I wish you'd told me anyway," Emily said softly, her hand smoothing over Paige's arm soothingly. "I can imagine it's been weighing on your mind."
"Yeah," Paige nodded, pressing her lips to Emily's forehead. "I'm sorry. I know you hate it when I keep things from you."
"Don't apologise," Emily shook her head profusely. "You really don't have to apologise. You don't have to tell me everything."
"But I want to," Paige sighed softly. "I've never had someone like you in my life Em. That I can be so open with. I'm glad we've talked. I feel so much better for it...I feel like I've been holding that in for so long."
"I'm glad you got it all out," Emily smiled, pressing her lips softly to Paige's. "I'm glad you told me."
"Me too," Paige managed a smile of her own, kissing Emily softly once again.
"Paige…" Emily began, Paige's brow furrowed, noting the way Emily shifted, the hesitancy in her tone.
"Em?"
"Paige I…" Emily tried once again, her eyes searching Emily's.
"What is it?"
"Love you," Emily sighed, swallowing. Her thumb smoothed across Paige's cheek, as she wiped her own face with her forearm. "Come on," Emily urged Paige to cuddle into her, pressing her lips to Paige's hairline. "We should get some sleep. Big day tomorrow."
"Yeah," Paige sighed, shuffling closer into Emily's embrace, finally feeling at ease, ready for sleep to talk over. She lifted her head for one last kiss before settling back against Emily's chest. "Em?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you come over tomorrow?" Paige asked, subduing the urge to feel embarrassed by the vulnerability in her tone. "I don't know when I'll get back but I just…need you there."
"Of course," Emily agreed instantly. "Paige?"
"Yeah?"
"No matter what happens, I promise you, it's going to be okay."
"Yeah," Paige nodded.
There was something about the way Emily said it that just about made it seem possible.
