Thank you all so much for the reviews. I hope you enjoy it!
When they'd walked for about a mile in near silence, Edward finally suggesting they sit down, as even their energetic little dog had finally begun to lag. He'd kept her hand the entire time, but hesitated to hold her close…he'd seen in Carlisle's mind what he was going for with this. Learning to manage her own emotions was the ultimate goal here, and keeping her right by his side every second may not be the best thing for her. Instead he held her hand in his own, letting her focus on the dog, on walking (without falling…at least ten time's he'd saved her from her own feet), on being outside. She spent most of the walk smiling at her dog's antics, or looking around in wonder at the beautiful day, and he knew that this was helping. The weather was warm enough that she didn't need more than her light jacket, she pulled that off when they reached the clearing where Edward stopped them, sitting beside him on the ground, both resting on the blanket he'd brought, and Carlie trotted over, laying on the ground and closing her eyes.
The sun shone down on them and he tried not to look at his own skin, not needing the reminder that they were so different. But this had never bothered Bella. Instead, she placed the leash on the ground, obviously knowing that Edward would be able to catch Carlie on the off chance she decided to run off, and took his hand in both of hers, her face full of the same fascination as the first time she'd seen him in the sunlight. But the light of the sun had nothing on her warm skin against his, and he leaned his head back, closing his eyes as she ran her fingers over his hand and wrist. Of course, it was another reminder...a reminder that he was unnatural and that she was human and that he was going to take that away from her.
'I won't have to worry about making her cold…or hurting her. I can touch her…really touch her. I can hold her.' That thought alone, combined with the fact that she wanted this, made it all worth it, never mind the other things they would be able to do. If he could go his entire existence just being able to really hold her in his arms, to really kiss her, even if he could never take it any further, then he had to admit, it sounded like enough. But he was getting so much more. 'And what is she getting?'
'Immortality.' He reminded himself. 'Near indestructibility. She won't get sick, or injured. She'll be able to walk a straight line without falling.' He grinned at that one. 'She'll have us, her family, forever.' He paused. 'And her emotional control...' He wasn't so sure about that one. Bella had always seemed to feel things strongly, according to his own observations and Jaspers. She was in love with him…passionately. When she loved other people, she would do anything for them. She felt protective of her mother…or she had. He sighed, still hating that entire situation. 'She was protective of her father, and of Carlisle in Esme, though in a different way.' He remembered the way she'd stood up to her mother when the woman had tried to hurt his parents, how she'd been nothing but angry…not panicked, not fearful…furious that someone would try and hurt her beloved new family.
'She said she was good at suppressing negative things…that always seemed odd to me…that she would say something like that. Why does she need to suppress them?' But here was his answer. 'Or maybe it wasn't fear of a panic attack…maybe she just suppressed them because she didn't know how to deal with them.' He shook his head. He wasn't sure that fining answers in her past would do much good at this point. Carlisle was going to speak to a therapist at the hospital, Eric Robst, and ask for some advice. 'Does she need to be the one speaking to a therapist?' Of course, there was a lot she couldn't speak about. But…he wondered if speaking about what she could would help her. He would ask Carlisle, although he knew his father was reluctant to have her in therapy, mostly because of the many details she would have to keep secret, but also because he didn't think she would want to, and at this point, he was loathe to ask her to do anything she didn't want to. He still blamed himself for having her speak to Charlie right after leaving the hospital, although he'd never imagined the repercussions.
Edward glanced down at the silent girl at his side, worried again. 'Is this how it's going to be? Every time she's quiet, I'm going to be the one who panics?' He shook his head at himself. 'No. That won't help the situation at all. I have to keep calm. Especially now…I'm the only one around to help if something happens.' He stiffened suddenly, a familiar scent hitting his nose from upwind, less than a mile off and heading their way…quickly. It slowed as it neared, and he leaned over, placing his lips against her ear. "Bella, keep very still and quiet." He whispered just loudly enough for her to hear, a smile tugging at his lips. Glancing down at the puppy, he could tell from her breathing that she was sound asleep. Bella looked over at him in confusion, but he directed her to look over at the bushes in front of them, and the there was rustling.
Bella glanced at him again but he only smiled a little, glad they were downwind. And then they emerged, two deer, a doe and what looked to be a nearly newborn fawn. Bella's eyes widened as she leaned forward just a fraction, freezing when the female glanced up at them. The smaller deer walked a bit unsteadily in their general direction and he grinned at her amazement. If he didn't know that it would terrify both the female and the fawn, he would have caught the little thing for her and let her pet it. He could tell she was dying to get closer. But Carlie chose that moment to start whimpering in her sleep, her paws twitching, and the doe and fawn took off, startled by the puppy. Edward chuckled at her, reaching over and kissing her forehead. "She didn't smell you?" Bella asked in surprise.
"We were downwind." He explained with a smile, draping an arm around her. The animal sighting seemed to have done the trick, reinforcing his belief that distraction was key. 'Hm…distraction…' Grinning a bit, he reached over and kissed her cheek, moving to her jaw, and then, careful to avoid the place on her neck where her pulse was the strongest, he moved to her chin. Turning, she met his lips with her own, wrapping her arms around him. He took her hips in his hands, lifting her and sitting her on his lap, leaning back and holding her on top of them as he kissed her, mentally noting that he had to do this more often. Out here, there were no thoughts to distract him. He couldn't hear Emmett and Jasper planning out their chess moves or fighting or lusting after their wives…he couldn't hear Alice's inner prattle about the clothes she wanted to buy or see her shifting through the future, he couldn't hear Rosalie…being Rosalie. He reprimanded himself for that last one…Rosalie had changed.
But he didn't want to think abut any of that because finally he had Bella somewhere quiet. 'We are definitely going to honeymoon somewhere far away..hm…I wonder if Carlisle and Esme would let us use their island…'
'What does Bella like to do?' Carlisle sat in his office, drumming his fingers quietly, a habit to remind himself that while deep in thought, he couldn't sit too still. 'Reading. I know she loves to read. We should try and find more books she might like…I'm checking the libraries of the next place we move. And she likes watching us play baseball.' He made a note to get the family together to play again soon. It had been so long since they all got together to do something fun. Of course they couldn't risk letting Bella play…much too dangerous. But she could help Esme again. 'She likes taking the dog out. I think that will help her, if she and Edward take Carlie out every day…or even if she goes alone, if she stays close. There's nothing really dangerous around here, and she can call for us and we'll hear if she's within a few miles. I doubt she'd stray farther than that.' He wracked his brain, suddenly aware of this gap in his knowledge of the girl. 'She took ballet as a child, but I don't think she enjoyed it. Nor does she seem to like any kind of sports with other humans…humans…Angela.' His thoughts strayed toward the girl. 'Bella was friends with her, wasn't she? It would be good for her to get with someone her own…' He chuckled at himself. 'What? Species?' Shaking his head, he tried to refocus, a true feat for vampires. 'I'll speak with Esme.' He decided. 'She may have some ideas.'
Another thing was her schoolwork. She was nearing the end of high school and he had a few ideas for some medical subjects that may interest her. 'I'm sure that would work as well.' He decided to look into some entry level medical texts…he didn't keep any around the house, although he'd found one or two that were basic enough for her. It was all work she seemed to enjoy; he mostly had her go through the chapters and keep notes, writing out definitions she didn't know, and then went over the material with her, answering her questions. She did as well as any student he'd taught, and obviously loved learning, so he was more than glad to teach her.
His phone chimed in his pocket and he pulled it out. Very few people had his cellphone number, and the majority of them were in his family or the Denali cover. The screen told him it was Esme and he pressed it against his ear. "Hello, love." He greeted her, smiling softly. She'd been on the phone with the principal once more when he'd left, still sorting out the documents to ensure that there would be no investigation into the teens all living at home and not attending school, and he knew that his wife had very little patience for the man that had, in her eyes, hurt many of her children.
"Hello, Carlisle." She sounded worried and he scolded himself.
'I should have called her as soon as I finished speaking with Dr. Robst.' Instead he'd gone to his office, letting himself get lost in thought as he was prone to do. "I spoke to the therapist. He's given me some ideas…although he also suggested therapy sessions. With a therapist here at the hospital." He heard her hesitation. "I'm not sure about it, honestly. I don't know if it would help…there's so much she can't say."
"No…but I believe that many of her problems, school, the rumors…those have nothing to do with what we are."
"But the others…being changed, losing Charlie…"
"Is that the real source of all this?" She asked quietly. "Or is it the anxiety itself? She's afraid that she's going to panic…so she does? Or she's afraid that we're going to think she's insane?" He was thoughtful for a moment, going over that in his mind. "Bella doesn't know how to cope with anxiety. She suppresses it or she dwells on it until she panics."
"So you think therapy would be a good idea?"
"A session or two couldn't hurt…of course she could talk to one of us, but…" She trailed off, then changed direction. "What did Dr. Robst say?"
He was a bit confused, but went along with it. "He said that there were several types of therapy. Carlie helps her, we've all seen that. He suggested taking the dog on walks, playing with her…even petting her would help. Exercise. And then…well, hobbies honestly. Drawing, writing…but I'm not sure Bella enjoys either of those. She loves reading, so I thought about getting her some more books…or taking her to a bookstore." He trialed off, not sure if he had any other ideas.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" She wondered.
"I have work at five am…it's going to be my first 48 hour shift in a few weeks…so far I've kept my shifts short because of Bella. I've thought about trading with someone…or splitting it up."
"No…I'll stay with Bella tomorrow. Rosalie and Alice wanted to work on the wedding, and Emmett, Jasper, and Edward can go out. I think I might have an idea or two."
Jasper ran toward the house; his hand in his wife's, his heart lighter than it had been in a while. It had been good to get away for a while with Alice, although he had missed his family and worried about Bella. 'She's been fine.' He scolded himself. 'You can't spend your life worrying about the girl. She's not made of glass…she won't break.' He almost laughed then. As if he could stop worrying about his sister. 'I don't think I'll be able to do that until she's changed…and maybe not even then.' He loved her too much.
"Esme and Bella are going to have fun tomorrow." Alice told him suddenly, her eyes on a future he couldn't see. "Oh…they're going to…" She narrowed her eyes, slowing, and he paused as well, bringing them to a stop and turning to her. "She…I don't…I missed something." He laughed at her pout. Alice hated missing things. But they'd been a bit distracted for a while now. "Well, we're going to plan the wedding…and Esme is kicking you guys out. All three of you." She shrugged, going back to a run. "Come on, let's ask Esme what's going on."
They broke through the tree line and leapt across the river, coming to a surprised halt when Jasper felt the emotions of Emmett who was sitting on the porch. Worry. Fear. Helplessness. "What?" He raced to his brother's side. "Emmett what's wrong?" He asked, dreading the answer.
"What do you think?" Emmett sighed. "Panic attack. She was at Charlie's." Jasper closed his eyes and Alice raced into the house. "She's not here…Edward took her out…they've got the dog too."
"What caused it?"
"No idea. I think she scratched herself again…" He rested a hand briefly on Emmett shoulder then followed his wife into the house to find her standing beside Esme, waiting for their mother to hang up the phone.
"Calm down, you two." Esme reprimanded gently, opening her arms and pulling Alice into them. "She's okay. Edward was able to calm her, and they're going to be out for a while."
"What happened?" Jasper asked. She shook her head.
"Bella has developed an anxiety disorder…when she begins to feel nervous or upset, those feelings can become too much for her, and sometimes it makes her panic. I an only assume she was upset about something at Charlie's…probably about not going back to school…or rather, why she can't go back."
"She's afraid of Lauren?"
"No…she's afraid of herself. I think she's afraid of getting these attacks. Carlisle spoke to Eric Robst today…and we're going to consider therapy for her. After everything she's been through, I'd say it's overdue. I'm going to speak with her tomorrow. I don't believe she'll be up for it today." She looked over at Jasper, reaching out and touching his shoulder, and he wondered what his face must look like. "Jasper, no one blames you for this. You needed to get away. That's not why she had a panic attack, honey. You are not responsible for her emotions." She stepped forward, putting her arms around him. "She's fine now. I'm sure she and Edward are having a good time. Don't worry, Jasper." He forced himself to nod, not wanting to upset Esme. But he couldn't believe he'd thought it would be a good idea to leave now…when she was still recovering. All he could think about was the time she'd called out for him with her emotions, begging him to help her, and Carlisle had told him no.
For a second, he thought about chasing them down…following her scent and finding them…holding her, just for a second, to make sure she was okay. But Alice gripped his hand. "She needs time with Edward right now…and he needs time with her. She's okay. Let them have the rest of the day. You'll see her in a few hours, Jasper." She told him softly, kissing his cheek. "Come on. Let's try and cheer Emmett up." He felt the wave of exasperation from his brother and grinned a little, knowing his wife had purposefully spoke loudly enough so that Emmett would hear. Knowing that his wife was right, Jasper dropped her hand, crouching behind the door where Emmett wouldn't see him, then, moving as quickly as he could, tackled his brother off the porch, ignoring Esme's loud scolding and slamming Emmett into the ground, then took off before he could retaliate, leading him on a chase in the opposite direction of Bella and Edward's scent. The last thing he heard was Alice's laughter and Esme's sigh until, miles away from the house, Emmett caught up to him, catching him around the waist and throwing him into a tree.
Alice laughed softly, watching the future as her husband caught his balance, crouching across the clearing from Emmett and growling, baring his teeth playfully at his brother. Then, turning to Esme, she kissed her mother's cheek. "They're just playing." She assured her mother. "They won't hurt each other. You know that." Esme sighed, shaking her head.
"You know, sometimes I'm impressed by how mature my sons are…taking care of Bella, helping around the house…and then they start going at one another like they were raised by wolves." Alice laughed aloud, sitting down at the counter and grabbing her tablet, pushing a few buttons as the little computer hummed to life.
"So, Bella's going to have fun tomorrow." Esme looked up, obviously relieved.
"Really? I wasn't sure if it would work."
"I'm not sure how well it will work, per se…but she'll enjoy herself. She loves spending time with you. She'll need to catch up on homework though."
"I'll work with her tomorrow night. She's been spending the evenings working with Carlisle on those medical books…she seems to like it." Alice nodded.
"She does. It's interesting to her. And she hopes that she'll be able to be a doctor." Esme opened the cabinet and pulled out a box of pasta. "They'll be home in an hour or two, and she'll be hungry." Alice confirmed at Esme's questioning look.
"Alice…" The girl smiled, her gift alerting her to Esme's question before it was spoken aloud.
"Yes, I'm going to call her tomorrow. I think it would do Bella good to see her sometime…maybe this weekend. She loves spending time with all of us, but it isn't really good for her to isolate herself so much. She can take Carlie…it'll make her more comfortable. Getting her that dog was a really good move on Edward's part." Esme smiled slightly, nodding as she sat a pot of water to boil.
"Do you know what she and Edward are doing?" Esme asked suddenly.
"Um…they're walking Carlie…or they're going to…no, they're going to start walking home. I'm not sure what they're doing right now…it's not something they're going to talk about in the future…or not something they've decided to talk about." She only glanced through their future, seeing them siting together in an unfamiliar clearing. "I guess they went walking." Esme nodded, pulling out a jar of sauce.
"It's good for her to get out. It always seems to help her." Alice stood, opening the freezer and pulling out a loaf of garlic bread, deciding to help. There were no new emails, and no interesting developments in the wedding planning to hold her attention at the moment.
"What are you worried about?" Esme asked softly, pausing as she poured some sauce into a pot to heat up.
"You're good at that…I think it's your gift." Alice said with a soft smile. "Jasper worries so much about her…it was good for him to get away. But I'm worried too." She admitted softly. "What if we change her, and this just gets worse? What if she can't function because she's still panicking?" Alice shook her head. "Or what if she has one, and none of us are around?"
Esme placed the wooden spoon she was using to stir the sauce on a napkin and walked over to her daughter, putting her arms on her shoulders. "I've never seen a vampire keep a physical ailment after her change. As for the mental aspect, look at Jasper and Rosalie. They both have bad days, but for the most part, they're fine." Alice nodded a little at her mother's firm words. "We will have as much time as we need to help Bella without worrying about the attacks causing her so much physical distress. And if the time ever comes that Bella has an attack without one of us around, she will be okay." She spoke as though she were willing it to be true. "Panic attacks are not fatal…she may hyperventilate and lose consciousness, but that's all. She will be in a lot of distress, but her life will not be in danger."
"What if she's driving or…"
"Alice, if you sit around imagining worst case scenarios, you're only going to drive yourself insane. We can't do anything right now…so we're going to make her dinner. And we're going to hold her and keep her company…we're going to do everything in our power to make her feel safe and loved. Because that's what we can do. Right now. Okay?" Alice rested her head on her mother's shoulder, nodding a little, then straightened up, going back to the garlic bread.
"Okay, Mom."
Thank you all for reading :)
