"Today I saw my hero fall apart
The one who taught me to be strong
On the outside, I look fine
But on the inside, I am dying
Now it's my time to help you out
'Cause you were there when I was down
It's hard for me to see you this way
Losing all your sanity
You helped me keep my dreams alive
Without you, how will I survive?"
Do or Die – Papa Roach
"Jeff, the metabolic data from Shepard's suit shows extremely elevated heart rate and blood pressure readings, indicative of severe stress."
Joker listened to the sounds emanating from the shuttle that was on its way back to the Normandy from Thessia. Silence, other than the faint echo of soft sobbing, which he assumed was coming from Liara. She'd been so kind and sympathetic to both him and Shepard after the Reaper invasion on Earth. He wished she hadn't had to experience it firsthand on her own home world.
"Shepard, do you read me?" Joker asked, quietly. No response, but he could hear them, which meant that either she was ignoring him, or she had the incoming feed turned off.
Kai Leng, the Cerberus assassin, had escaped with the information they so desperately needed on the Catalyst, the final piece of the Crucible's puzzle. And now Thessia was under siege, and crumbling in the face of the attack. In fact, once the ground team returned, they were going to have to beat a hasty retreat from this star system before the Normandy became one more piece of flying shrapnel.
Joker got the all clear from Cortez and immediately set course for the relay. He tried Shepard's comm again, but she still didn't reply. He had just made the jump when Garrus appeared behind him.
"Have you seen Shepard?" the turian asked, concern evident in his voice.
"No. She's not with you?"
"No. She left to debrief the Asari Councillor. She seems…wrong."
"What do you mean, 'wrong?'"
"I think you should check on her."
The words had no sooner left his mouth when warning alarms started bleating in the cockpit. EDI said, "I'm getting reports of water damage from the interior of the ship."
"What? Where?" Joker asked, thinking that maybe one of the showers had been left on or one of the toilets had backed up.
"The top floor. Shepard's quarters."
Joker glanced at Garrus, and without a word, they both sprang for the exit. "EDI, take the helm," Joker ordered as he hustled to keep up with the long-legged turian.
The elevator doors were closing by the time Joker caught up with Garrus, and they rode in silence for the short trip up one floor. Joker swiped his hand in front of the sensor outside Shepard's door, and it flashed green. He followed Garrus inside, and then almost ran into the back of him when the turian came to an abrupt halt. Joker maneuvered around him and gaped at the sight in front of him.
"Oh my god," Joker breathed.
Shepard stood, head down, as water poured from a jagged gash in the aquarium, pooling around her boots. Her entire right arm, from the elbow down, was painted bright red. Blood dripped steadily from the tips of her fingers, staining the water below a pale pink color.
"Shepard," Joker tried, but the whisper died before it escaped his lips. He sloshed forward in her direction, cold water instantly soaking his feet. He barely registered the damp chill. He drew closer, took her chin in his hand and lifted her face to his. Her eyes were dazed and unfocused. She was in shock.
For some reason, realizing that caused his own to dissipate.
"Garrus!" Joker barked. "Use the comm on the desk. Get Chakwas up here, now! Then see if you can find something to stem that leak and soak up this water."
Mandibles twitching nervously, Garrus lurched awkwardly toward Shepard's terminal. Gently grasping her uninjured arm, Joker led an unresisting Shepard to the bed and coaxed her into a seated position. He tried to position her so that she didn't leak blood all over her sheets.
"Shepard, what have you done?" Joker whispered to her unresponsive form. "What the hell have you done?"
The doctor took one look at Shepard and injected her with a sedative. "If she's going to be out of it, she might as well be all the way out," she declared. With Garrus' assistance, Chakwas got the unconscious commander arranged comfortably on the mattress, with a towel beneath her outstretched, damaged limb. She then proceeded to pick shards of glass out of Shepard's wounds, slather the cuts with medi-gel, and wrap her arm from hand to elbow. When she was done, Chakwas gathered her supplies and perched on the couch perpendicular to the one Joker was sitting on, watching in bewildered silence. Garrus and James had managed to quickly sop up most of the water and depart unobtrusively, but the floor was still slick with moisture. Light glared through the gouge in the aquarium. Good thing Shepard hadn't had any fish in there.
Joker said, softly, "What the hell, Doc?"
Was it his imagination, or was Chakwas not quite meeting his eyes? "The commander hasn't been sleeping, hasn't been eating, and today, she suffered a major setback. She just snapped. The only real wonder is that it didn't happen sooner."
"She put her hand through the fish tank."
"Jeff," Chakwas said, meeting his gaze for the first time. "You know that I'm bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, correct?"
Joker was thrown by the apparent non-sequitur. "Yeah?"
"If I disclose private information about a patient, I could be stripped of my license and court-martialed. Not to mention, I gave Shepard my word."
Joker sat up straighter, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Doc, what are you talking about?"
"But she gave me her word that she was going to take care of herself, and she has obviously not kept up her end of the bargain," Chakwas continued, fretfully. "I don't want to betray her trust, but I'm concerned about her. Very concerned."
"Doc!"
Chakwas sighed and appeared to make her decision. "Shepard is pregnant," she blurted.
Joker's brain froze momentarily, struggling to comprehend her words, and then it abruptly burst into action, flipping through cataloged memories from the past few months.
Shepard's concern over Anderson's remark about her looking like she was growing "soft."
James' remarks about her lack of appetite and energy while she was locked up.
Her refusal to allow him to refill her coffee cup the other morning, and her restraint from imbibing anything alcoholic at Grunt's party.
Her insomnia and nightmares. Her emotional vacillation between despair and elation, rage and humor, animosity and affection, and back again.
Some, if not most, of the evidence was just as easily attributable to the extreme circumstances at hand. But when seen in the current context, it all made so much more sense. Why hadn't she told him?
Then suddenly, Joker remembered something else. The conversation they'd had after Gellix about Jacob's impending fatherhood.
"I'm not sure I'd want to be in his shoes right about now," Joker had said.
And Shepard's quiet reply. "It wouldn't be easy."
Was that the reason she'd kept her secret? One circumspect dialogue and she'd concluded he wouldn't want to know? With everything they'd been through, he'd thought they were a team. But she hadn't trusted him with this.
"Jeff?" the doc prompted gently.
"Pregnant," Joker breathed.
"Congratulations," Chakwas offered.
"Thanks," Joker replied, numbly. "But why didn't she tell me?"
"I think she wanted to," Chakwas responded. "But she's been struggling with it, herself. She managed to contact me when she was in detention. She'd been feeling tired and nauseated. Then she realized she'd missed two menstrual cycles. She's had issues with irregular cycles since her reconstruction, but all the symptoms combined were enough to cause concern. The doctor at HQ is a friend of mine. I told Shepard he would run the test confidentially. And it was positive.
We've talked about the pregnancy quite extensively, considering I'm the only one who knows. I believe that she wants to allow herself to feel happy and excited, but she's afraid to even imagine a future where this child exists. She knows the odds are against any of us surviving. She has to continue to do what needs to be done without consideration for anything else, because if she fails…" Chakwas trailed off. "Well, it's not been easy, to say the least. I made her promise to at least take some care with her health, but she hasn't even been doing that."
Joker tried to imagine what Shepard had been going through these past weeks. The weight of the galaxy on her slender shoulders, along with the awareness of the unborn child growing within her. And she'd refused to share the burden.
"Well, she should be out for a while," the doctor said, rising. "The sedative is mild, but she's exhausted. Don't hesitate to call for me if you need me."
"I will. Thanks," Joker repeated.
Chakwas gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I know this isn't easy, but at a time like this, well…it's nice to see that life still finds a way. That love brings light in times of darkness. It may be silly, but it gives me hope."
Joker's throat constricted. "Yeah," he managed. "Hope."
"Without it, we're lost," Chakwas said earnestly, as she turned to the door and disappeared from sight.
Joker turned to Shepard's prone form, motionless on the bed. He moved to sit beside her, finding comfort in the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slept. He brushed the hair back from her temple, traced a thumb along the hollows under her eyes. Even in rest, she looked weary. His eyes roamed the rest of her body, searching for the signs he'd so ignorantly missed. But if they were there, they certainly weren't obvious. She was painfully thin, with stress, exertion, and the greedy life form inside devouring the limited sustenance she'd been providing. He skimmed his palm along her protruding ribs to her abdomen, and realized that despite everything, he could feel a modest swell there. A baby.
Their baby.
Battling a cacophony of emotions, Joker removed his boots and climbed onto the bed. He propped two pillows against the headrest and sat against them with his legs extended, pulling Shepard's head onto his lap. He stayed like that, stroking her hair, until long after his legs had fallen asleep and his mind had settled into a stunned stupor.
It was hours later before Shepard's eyes blinked open, groggily. Her emerald gaze focused on his face, and Joker whispered, "Hi."
"Hi."
"How do you feel?"
Her eyes rolled, trying to take in her surroundings, but she made no move to rise. "Foggy."
"The doc gave you something so you could sleep."
Shepard studied the damaged aquarium, and then raised her bandaged arm from the mattress for inspection. Her eyes traveled to his again and she said, "Sorry."
Joker held her gaze and continued to work the soft strands of her hair through his fingers. "For what?"
Shepard swallowed hard. "I lost it."
"Yeah. But there's no need to apologize."
Her eyes slid away. "Shouldn't have."
Joker hadn't wanted to immediately bombard her, but he couldn't refrain. He choked out, "Shepard, why didn't you tell me?"
Her gaze snapped back, and it took only a moment for her to infer his meaning. "Doc told you." It wasn't a question.
"She's worried about you."
"I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out. But I didn't want to do it while I was locked up, when there were always other people around. After the attack on Earth, things began to spiral out of control, and you were so worried about your folks." Shepard hesitated. "And later on, I wasn't sure you'd want to know."
"Because of what I said about Jacob?"
"Yes. And no. I'd rather not know, given the choice." Her eyes were pleading, and a tear tracked from the corner of one and trailed a path into her hair. "It's impossible to figure out what to feel."
His hands continued their soothing massage. "If there were no Reapers, no war, how would you feel?"
"But there are, so what difference does it make?"
"Humor me."
Her expression softened as she regarded him. "I don't know. I guess I would have been shocked at first, no matter the circumstances. I didn't even think it was possible for me to get pregnant. Given what the docs have said, my best guess is that I conceived on your birthday - the night that you proposed. It seems almost destined. It's not what we were planning, but…" Shepard gave a gentle rise and fall of the shoulders. "We were going to get married, anyway, right? We talked about maybe having kids."
"We are going to get married," Joker told her, emphatically.
"Right." Her smile was impossibly sad. "We are going to get married." Shepard paused and her eyes drifted away. "Have you ever wondered how that would work? What it would be like?"
"Being married to you? I think it would be pretty great. Hence, the proposal."
"But, I have no frame of reference for any of it - marriage, family, normalcy. All I've ever known is this - fighting to survive, devoting everything I have to living to see one more day. It's been your life for a long time, too. What if we can't do anything else?"
"We'll figure it out."
"Jacob said that the Normandy's my whole life; my real love. He said that I could never walk away."
This news pissed Joker off. Who the hell was Jacob to say something like that to Shepard? "He doesn't know you like I do, Shepard. You're a hell of a marine. But there's more to you than that. You can have a different kind of life - if you want it."
"I do." Her green eyes glistened. "I do want it. I want her." Her uninjured hand moved to rest on her abdomen. "Part of you. Part of me." When Shepard smiled this time, the darkness parted briefly and wonderment lit her eyes. "It's pretty amazing, really."
Joker was moved by her words, but his brain stuck on one word. "Her?"
Shepard looked embarrassed, but said, "Yeah. I've been dreaming about her since we left Earth. In my dreams, she's always a girl."
Joker thought back to what Chakwas had said. "Hope."
Shepard looked at him quizzically. "What?"
Suddenly, renewed purpose filled Joker. "Her name's going to be Hope. And you…you are going to start taking care of yourself. Eating. Sleeping. Doing what the doc tells you." Her eyebrows lifted in surprise at his demands, but he continued. "I know that you won't make promises that you can't keep, and I won't ask that of you. But here's a vow that you can make – that you will do everything possible to keep yourself safe. And that you will never give up, no matter what happens."
Shepard regarded him solemnly, but then said, "Okay. I promise." She reached for his hand with her unmarred one, and he brought it to his lips and kissed her fingers. She tugged it down and placed it flat against her stomach, covering it with hers. With a crooked smile, she said, "That's your daughter in there."
His daughter. Joker found the idea equal parts thrilling, and terrifying. Shepard struggled upright, moving to recline against his chest. He wrapped her in a loose embrace, keeping his hands on her abdomen, hoping to feel some indication of the life inside. He kissed her neck, her shoulder - any exposed skin he could reach with his lips. Shepard hummed happily.
Suddenly, something else occurred to him. "Shepard, why the hell have we been using condoms all this time? You know you can't get more pregnant, right?"
"Yeah, but I thought that if we didn't, you might have gotten suspicious."
"I love you, crazy lady," Joker murmured in her ear. Shepard tilted her face back, met his lips with hers, and then let her head fall to the side to rest on his shoulder.
"I love you, too."
They were relaxing in comfortable silence when EDI's voice interrupted. "Commander, Specialist Traynor thinks that she may have a lead on Cerberus' current whereabouts."
"Really?" Shepard bolted upright. She thought for a moment. "EDI, gather the team in the war room. And continue manning the helm, please. I want Jeff with me."
"Yes, Shepard."
She started to rise from the bed, and Joker grabbed her unbandaged arm.
"Are you up for this right now?"
"We need to find these bastards and end this now. For all of our sake's." The fire had returned to her eyes, and Joker welcomed the sight.
"All right, then. Let's do this."
"Oh, and Jeff...I don't think we should tell anyone about the baby for now. It would just complicate things."
Joker studied her. He understood what she really meant. She didn't want her crew to know that she was pregnant because then they might make more of an effort to protect her, thereby putting themselves at higher risk. And as much as he might desire that, he knew that she was right. That wouldn't be fair. Besides, upsetting their customary dynamic could prove dangerous for everyone, in unforeseen ways. Better to maintain the status quo.
"Agreed."
"Good." Shepard kissed him. "Let's go find us an assassin."
Ten minutes later, the squad was assembled - Garrus, Liara, James, Tali, Traynor, Joker and Shepard. The room was silent, with six sets of eyes trained on Shepard for guidance, as always.
"First of all, I owe all of you an apology," Shepard began, meeting their gazes, in turn. "I haven't been the leader that you've needed, nor the leader that you deserve. We've faced our share of setbacks, but that's no excuse. We have a monumental task in front of us, but we've faced those before. Starting now, we're going to refocus, regroup, and go on the offensive. We find Cerberus, recover the data on the Catalyst, and finish the Crucible. That's our best chance to win this war. We've known that from the beginning. Everyone with me?"
Nods of assent from the gathering.
"Good. Traynor, what have you got for me?"
Traynor cleared her throat, clearly uncomfortable with being the center of attention. "I was able to track Kai Leng's shuttle through the relay and extrapolate his destination. But the signal disappeared in the Iera System."
"Okay."
"It's not just gone, though. It's being actively blocked."
"How?"
"Something is interfering with all signal activity in that region of space. The Iera System is home to Sanctuary, a supposed safe haven for war refugees."
Shepard frowned. "That's on Horizon, isn't it?"
"Yes, Commander."
"You think it's worth checking out?"
"Yes, ma'am, I do."
"Your instincts have been good so far, Specialist. I trust your judgment. Joker, set a course for Iera. Let's go get that data back. Dismissed."
Once the others had filed out, Shepard looked at Joker. "I guess we're going back to Horizon."
"I guess so."
"The last time, the Illusive Man used me to lure the Collectors there. Why do I feel like this time, I'm the prey?" When Joker didn't respond, Shepard huffed in irritation and squared her shoulders. "Fuck it. He wants a fight, let's give it to him."
A/N: In case you were wondering - yes, I have tweaked the canon timeline in order to make this work. I'm estimating that Shep found out about her pregnancy when she was about 10 weeks along - at this point in the story she's 18-20 weeks. Which means that they were on Earth for about 2 months, rather than 6.
