What to do about Magik?

Author's note: The latest issue of X-Men Gold is out (Issue 25) which I found enjoyable from an Illyana perspective even if she is deliberately underplaying her abilities (she's in print and not too badly written so counting my blessings). Aftger reading it I thought upon the idea that a major writing component of Chris Claremont's work was endless internal dialog thought bubbles. One thing I've really liked on the returned Illyana is that we almost never ever see any thought bubbles for her. All we see are her words, which are few, and her actions (which I find to be very good writing as you're always wondering just what is her real motives). Sooooo, I got to thinking, what might have been her internal monolog for #25 as we all know she's underselling what she can actually do.

Oh, and for those who don't know, Kitty and Peter are getting married.

Part 29a: Summary

Spooler alert as here is a summary of #25 from an Illyana perspective. Illyana and Armor are fighting the Rhino (Spiderman villain) in Times Squire when the giant TV's show that the god Scythian Algurus (who is five hundred feet tall because the bigger the god the more dangerous they are I suppose) has come to Paris France to destroy the world (massive negative points for Scythian Algurus as he's picking on the French; I mean we are talking cheese eating surrender monkeys after all so rather weak on super villain credentials). Illyana dumps the Rhino into Limbo, then Armor joins the rest of the X-Men on a Blackbird as they jet off to France (which even a Blackbird would take an hour so I guess Scythian just first ate all the croissants and then got upset about the bad coffee, hence the rampage) while Illyana goes to the prison to get the incarnated X-Men freed (Storm, Kitty, Kurt, Rachael, and Peter).

While many X-Men gather for the fight, along with the British heroes Captain Brittan and his wife Meggan cause I guess all the French heroes had something better to do, Illyana goes to the prison and tries to reason with the Warden who of course refuses. Storm then storms in, having freed herself and is talked out of kicking the Warden's ass (she was locked in a small cell and had a claustrophobia attack) by Illyana. The imprisoned X-Men are freed and Illyana teleports them to Paris.

Much fighting ensures while Illyana concentrates on creating a massive teleportation portal while Rachael stands guard and looks pissed off about standing guard while the rest of the X-Men attack. Not sure if she's annoyed at missing the fight or annoyed about having to guard Illyana.

In the end, after much physical combat, Kitty crashes the Blackbird into the back of Scythian Algurus causing most of him to fall into the teleportation portal to Limbo with the some residual god gunk being vaporized. Paris of course has like, several billion Euros worth of damage and of course a pissed of god in Limbo (a story line I really hope they do not pursue).

So… dear readers, the following words would all have been Illyana thought bubbles in the above situations.

Part 29b: Times square (New York)

Gods, now I'm pretending to fight a man dressed in a rhinoceros suit? Where the hells is a spider dude when you need one? Hmmm… I wonder just who's IQ is the lowest amongst the ritual spider man foes; I suspect the Rhino is towards the bottom… nah… the bottom. The absolute bottom. What a douche. Even Armor is unimpressed as she hasn't bothered to armor up yet.

This is so boring, I'll just… No.

Focus Illyana! Focus. Let everybody else take the lead. Let the rest of the team solve the problem with my contributions. Don't solve the problem by yourself. Let Armor and Rhino dude punch it out for a bit while I suppose I get knocked aside. Groan…

But damnation, this is dull, all he does is charge about like… like a freaking rhino. Has that ever worked for him?

The things I put up with. Letting Bobby declare that I'm part of the B team…

Pretending to lose in the Danger room to a simulated Magneto, like Erik and I would resort to fighting…

Then letting myself get knocked out on the fight with the Shredded man…

And now fighting a moron in a rhino suit… A freaking Rhino Suit! Bet he aspires to be a D level villain. If the Green Goblin shows up I swear I'm going to shove one of those exploding pumpkins right up his goblin hole.

What's next? Gumby? Bum wars over dumpster territory? Or Bobby getting all flustered if Hercules shows up all oiled like he tends to do.

And I'm still wearing this retro New Mutant uniform just because Bobby wants a common look, which of course he doesn't follow.

Need to get with Rachael about Kitty's bachelorette party, shards I hope she's not going to be a bitch about that. At least she's less bitchy now that she and Kurt are an item, guess she's finally getting some action, of course she's in prison now so that action may be of a different variety.

Hmmm, if I left an illusion of myself I could go find Dani and have breakfast at the place she likes, the one with the savory quiche and really spicy cheese hash browns and those great muffins…

No… that's not fair to Armor, she'd be pissed if she learned that I did that… sigh… What riveting dialog he utters as Armor exclaims Oh No' over something, it's not like I'm paying attention, heck I'm amazed I don't fall asleep.

"Oh No is right. A world of hurt's is coming At'cha!"Is his oh so not intimidating threat. Gods I'm fighting a man dressed as a Rhino, new low. I guess it's Paste Pot Pete next.

I see, Armor explains that a god named Scythian is attacking Paris. Okay a reason to cut this fiasco of a fight off. Hmm, let's give this Rhino loser a little curse. Bet that Rhino suit is going really suck after a round of explosive diarrhea. Giggle.

I drop the idiot into Limbo, he looks like he'll survive; at least for a while. Need to leave myself a Post-It note or something to remained me to retrieve him before something eats him.

Part 29c: New York Prison Warden's office

Don't turn him into a pig. Don't turn him into a pig. Don't turn him into a pig. Don't turn him into a…

Obeying Kitty on not forcing the issue really sucks. All I have to do is drop this bureaucratic idiot through Limbo for a few seconds and I'd get instant compliance, but no… Obstinate Fool. Gah… I sound like Doom now.

Man… what a dumpy office for a Warden.

Ut-oh, Ororo jus showed and she's looking really pissed, and I see she's removed her power inhibitor collar. About time Storm! Fing Goddesses do not wear prison orange for crying out loud, and orange is so not your color, yuck.

Looks like she's about to zap the idiot, I talk her out of it by pointing out the god trashing Paris on the TV. Gee, no Avengers, what a shock.

Part 29d: Roof of the New York Prison

Really hope Kitty doesn't ask why I just happen to have a duffle bag of their costumes handy, not like I was planning a prison break... today. And of course Rachael bitches about having to be transported to Paris via Limbo. Is there something she doesn't complain about? Kurt, you really can do better, bet they break up within a month or two… although she is dating Kurt she she'd likely into kinky stuff with tails…

At least she's still avoiding the mullet hairstyle, but what a non shock in that she's copied Kitty's hairstyle. Ray.. just trying too hard there.

And of course Miss I've been locked in a jail cell and haven't bathed is complaining about how Limbo smells…

Part 29e: A Paris Plaza

Here I am concentrating on conjuring a massive teleportation portal, and Rachael is giving me the evil stink eye because Kitty assigned her to guard me as I'm busy with the portal. Damn I just can't win with her.

Shards, what a bitch… Bet she tries to cut me out of the bachelorette party with some lame excuse like she thought I was busy that night. At least she's gotten rid of the cap, shards that was a bad look; only Ororo does the cape well. Let's see red hair, red face tattoos, red costume, with some black thought. I do like the spikes that she put on it.

Okay… cast the disk… while the others attach and drive this idiot of a godling into it… Let's see, the putrefied fields of rotting flesh is a good place to dump him for now, or the bottomless sea of rotten bile… yeah… let's see how well he swims in that stuff.

And there goes a billion dollars as Kitty smashes the Backbird into his back driving him into the portal. Ouch… Man just how many of these things do we go though? I swear we must have a hanger of the things or some magic replicater that just coughs out one at the push of a button.

Done. Idiot godling trapped in Limbo, well… most of him. Some of him got fried and that gunk is on me… Yuck. That's going take a long shower to wash off.

Going to have to sneak off and have some words with him. Make him lie low only to inevitably escape at some point. And still Rachel is giving me the stink eye.

Hmmm I'm forgetting about something… oh well… I'll eventually remember.

Part 29f: Meanwhile, somewhere and somewhen in Limbo

The Rhino was running for his life. "Wat's is dis place!" Was his panicky cry.

It turns out Demons had a saying about Rhino, tastes like pork; and demons love a pork barbeque.