A/N: Okay guys, I know some are not going to like this chapter but in the context of this story, and let me emphasis the emotional state of Chuck in the beginning, I had to tackle this at some point. All I can say is stick with it to the end and if you know my work, you know you can trust me.
Thanks as always to my beta, Gladius who never abandons me even when he doesn't hear from me for months on end.
I don't own Chuck.
Chapter 29 - A Broken Heart
{May 26th 2007 08:32}
{Chuck and Sarah's Home}
Well things hadn't really gone as Chuck had hoped. Casey was not able to find out much from his NSA contacts and while the big guy was a huge help for them while they visited Washington D.C. for Intersect updates, it was quickly becoming apparent that the NSA corruption went much deeper than just Agent Shaw.
Chuck was so relieved to be back home. He had been working with the CIA and NSA for so long now but he still could not get used to all the lies, all the deception, and it seemed that Washington D.C. was the melting pot for such behavior. He really was starting to rethink the life he chose, the life he thought would be so exciting, so worth it.
Sarah could see the struggle her husband was going through. She had been worried about Chuck since their most recent trip. Her husband had such a compassionate view of the world and she knew it stressed him out to be part of the 'hidden' workings of the government. Even after Chuck's dark days following Stanford, when the world sure seemed to be against him, he was always willing to help others; always willing to show concern and most of all, loyalty. Even to the point of being betrayed time and again. Now, with Chuck advancing up the ranks so quickly and becoming such an important person in both the CIA and NSA, it opened him up to the reality of what exactly goes on in the two organizations.
But what worried her even more was that he would lump her in with these individuals. Sure there might have been a time when she was just like them. She was never corrupted, but lies and deception was part of her life, even since she was a child. It's what made her one of the best at what she did. It took finally meeting the one man that brought out the real Sarah Walker, the Sarah that her mom knew and loved. It was meeting and instantly falling for Chuck that she was finally able to bury the lies and deception deep down behind her true character. She still needed to call upon the agent side of her, but that was just a persona now, a mask so to speak that was only used when a mission called for it. It was almost a complete reversal of personalities from where she was over a year ago to where she was now.
Still it hurt her to think her husband might think less of her. His current demeanor definitely caused her concern as they were sitting down on their couch in their home.
"Please talk to me honey." Sarah knew things were on the edge because for once in a very long time, the last night in Washington and the plane ride home consisted of very little physical contact. She felt like a druggy needing her fix and Chuck was denying her what she needed most.
Chuck let out a deep sigh. "I'm just really tired Sarah."
Sarah shyly looked over at him. "Sick and tired?"
Chuck let out a brief chuckle. "Just tired babe." Chuck reached over and took her hand in his.
Sarah almost melted at his wonderful touch. It felt like an eternity had passed since Chuck had initiated any kind of intimate touching. She shyly asked, "Are we okay?"
Chuck quickly looked to her. "What?" His face scrunched up into a questioning visage.
Sarah subconsciously started rubbing the top of his hand with her thumb, her eyes focused down at their intertwined hands. "Are we okay?"
"Hey." Chuck reached his free hand around to bring her chin up so her eyes were level with his. "Of course we are honey. I love you." He leaned in to give her a tender kiss, trying to relieve the worried look in her eyes.
Oh God did he taste so good. Sarah just closed her eyes, praying that the kiss would last forever. Unfortunately, her prayers did not come to pass as the kiss ended much too quickly.
With a disappointed sigh she wasn't able to hide, she continued. "I was just worried, you know, that you might hate me for the things I'd done as an agent."
Chuck couldn't understand where this was coming from. "Is there a reason I should hate you?" Chuck was a little uncomfortable with this current conversation.
Sarah could see the start of a pained expression on Chuck's face. "Not that Chuck, I've told you everything I've ever done. I just thought you'd be fed up with the lies and deception from the Government and you'd lump me in with the rest of those agents."
"I didn't marry the other agents so I don't lump you in with anyone except my wife and the future mother of my children." Chuck turned now to face her, putting his laptop aside and taking both her hands in his. "Why would you think that?"
"I just know how much stress you've been under with all the stuff going on and I can tell it's wearing you down." Sarah couldn't hide her worries and concerns. "You've barely touched me the last couple days and I just miss you." Sarah bit her lower lip as she looked longingly at their intertwined hands.
Chuck knew he'd been out of it lately but it had nothing to do with his wife. He actually chided himself for not being more sensitive to his wife's needs. He knew Sarah, and knew how she demanded a physical connection from him. It was her way of staying close to him. Sometimes he just forgot how much they both needed each other's reassurances. Something as simple as not physically expressing the depth of their love on an hourly basis was outside the norm in their relationship. He should have known better.
"Come here." Chuck practically picked her up off the couch, pulling her onto his lap so she was now straddling him. "I'm sorry okay. You know I love you I'm just going through a rough time mentally right now." Chuck was rubbing her exposed thighs, her nighty hiking up almost to her hips.
Sarah took a deep intake of breath at his warm, inviting touch. She laced her fingers together behind his head as she felt so at home in this position on top of him. "I just want to be there for you Chuck. I'm your wife and your partner and you need to share your burdens with me okay?"
"Of course you're right. I just need to be reminded every once in a while." Chuck gave her the eyebrow dance.
Sarah quickly felt a burning sensation start to grow inside of her as she could tell Chuck was becoming very aroused which in turn caused her to also. "I think I like the idea of reminding you." Sarah pulled his lips to her, kissing him with a desire to do much more and of course Chuck would not disappoint.
{* * *}
{May 26th 2007 12:10}
{Chuck and Sarah's Home}
"So how do I look?" Chuck walked out of the closest, dressed in baggy jeans, his Chucks, and a hooded Jacket.
It wasn't long after their love making that they received an alert from Lisa and a follow up call from Bryce and Casey. Apparently there was good intel that a location known to house Raves on a nightly basis was also coordinating a meeting of some of the best hackers, known as a Hackathon. Of course the Parana was always first on the invite list even though he'd been underground for so long. The thing was, Hackers around the world judged the validity of such an event based on who was attending and no one was more desired, more wanted than the Parana. Thus Chuck was now dressed in his 'hacker look' as he and Bryce used to call it back in the tech underground days at Stanford.
Sarah couldn't keep her smile from lighting up the whole room. "You're so adorable you know that?"
Chuck gave her a smirk. "Adorable? Golly gee, what am I twelve?"
Sarah seductively walked up to him, pulling him to her by the hoodie on his jacket. "Oh Mr. Bartowski, you are no boy." Sarah slid her hand down below his waist.
Chuck swallowed the lump in his throat. "Sarah… Bryce is going to be over in five minutes."
Sarah kissed his neck, sucking ever so slightly as she worked her way around to his ear. "Trust me Chuck, it's not going to take that long."
"Well aren't we conf…" Chuck lost his train of thought as Sarah knelt down in front of him.
{* * *}
{May 26th 2007 12:22}
{Chuck and Sarah's Home}
"What's wrong with you bro?" Bryce was trying to figure out what was going on with Chuck. He had a big old goofy grin on his face and he kept shifting his leg as if he had something wrong with his pants.
"Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm good, all good." Chuck was still trying to get his brain to catch up to the current time and place. It was running a little behind ever since Sarah… well ever since Sarah did what she did. He lapsed back to his happy place, wondering how in the world she could do that with her tongue.
"You're such a moron you know that." Bryce punched Chuck's arm, finally realizing what exactly was going on.
"What?" Chuck just shrugged his shoulders giving the innocent look.
"Are you going to be able to focus on what we need to do?" Bryce realized even as the words came out of his mouth that an unfocused barely there Chuck was better than most hackers out there. But there was one thing that could affect Chuck's abilities and now that he thought about it, where was Sarah anyway. "Where's your wife, I'm surprised she let the leash go this long."
"Shut up douche bag." Chuck pushed Bryce, causing his best friend to slam into the nearby door. "She doesn't keep me… on… a… huh…" Chuck lost cognizance thought as Sarah came down the stairs dressed in her supposedly 'married to a nerd' outfit.
Bryce leaned into Chuck, "You were saying?"
Chuck never heard Bryce, all his focus on the amazing blond coming down the stairs. Chuck had to wonder if this was a dream. 'Is she really mine?' He questioned himself not believing something so beautiful would fall for him.
Sarah knew she always had a certain effect on Chuck no matter what she wore. Sometimes she would do something extra special just to reaffirm to herself that she was still the center of Chuck's universe. That is why she went the extra mile on her current outfit. After all, if he could look so damn cute in his 'hacker' clothes, why couldn't she get the same reaction from him?
Well maybe the extra tight, white t-shirt, with a slit down the chest, revealing more than a usual amount of cleavage was pushing it. Of course, the fact the shirt was much too short, revealing her abs, was just an added bonus as she knew Chuck would not be able to keep his warm soft hands from rubbing across her stomach. It was one of the million things that he did that drove her to a place no else had ever brought her.
Chuck's eyes seem to almost burn from the view in front of him. His mind was still in its happy place as it seemed every inch of Sarah was made specifically to drive him insane. She was perfect in all aspects and even now, his body still had a very hard time adjusting to being with her.
"Don't mean to break up this 'Breakfast Club' moment, but Casey will be over shortly to pick me up and you guys have to meet us at the underground club. " Bryce just shook his head as his best friend still hadn't come back to earth yet. "Sarah, please make sure you get there in time for Chuck to set up."
Sarah just waved her hand, not really paying much attention to Bryce as all her focus was on her star struck husband. She followed his gaze down to her skin tight black pants. She had to smile thinking usually his eyes never got that far down, it was nice to know his girls weren't the only part Chuck enjoyed.
{* * *}
{May 26th 2007 20:25}
{Underground Hacker Hangout}
Bryce had arrived at the underground rave club a little early and he was pissed. The Hackathon was for the top Hackers only and he didn't qualify. Sure he could stay and be part of the Rave crowd and that would allow the rest of the team to blend in but not qualifying for the Hackathon wasn't the reason he was pissed. It was the fact that the plans had to change. Chuck would still do his thing, earning praise for probably another win and getting the attention of Root. That wasn't the issue however as he'd found out from Lisa that there was a possible Fulcrum cell in the building monitoring the event in hopes of trying to recruit the next generation of cyber agents.
Bryce took a deep breath as he looked over at Casey. "She's going to hate this you know." Bryce never got nervous but there was a first for everything.
"I'm more worried about the kid. Those scars are hard to overcome." Casey didn't like this one bit but he knew that the only way to track the Fulcrum agents was to cause a… diversion. Since he would be watching Chuck, that only left two agents available to locate the Fulcrum cell. But it also meant there was a chance Chuck could emotionally be hurt by this.
Bryce was still worried, thinking about his best friend as he really wanted to punch something at the moment. "Any other suggestions before they get here?"
Casey just shook his head no.
Bryce let out a deep breath. "I'll go meet them before they come in." Bryce gave a stern look to Casey. "If I'm not back in ten minutes, please call in a code blue."
Casey knew that was a very good possibility.
. . .
Chuck was sitting in front of his computer surrounded by fellow hackers. He was already implementing the code to break into the International Bank of Dubai and transfer a penny to an offshore account. This was the task and he could do it in his sleep but sleep wasn't the issue, more like a nightmare.
Chuck just finished up a sub class to break through the initial encryption when he had to take his ear piece out. It wasn't that he wanted to listen to the pulsating Rave music, it was the fact he just couldn't stand to listen to his wife and Bryce acting like a passionately in love couple. It made him sick and he had to concentrate. The faster he could get done the faster he could get away from the pain and anxiety he was starting to feel.
He knew better than to outwardly show what he was going through. Sarah didn't deserve to see it and honestly, either did Bryce. He knew they were just playing a part as evidenced by both their demeanor at the car when they first pulled up to the site. Even so, it didn't make it easier now.
Chuck didn't dare look up as Bryce and Sarah left the dance floor, hands all over each other. To the other more than inordinately intoxicated clubbers, it would look like two lovers looking for a place to get some alone time. To Chuck however, it was like a living hell and he could literally feel the walls closing in.
He did as he had done so many times before, he poured his heartache into his code and it was only a few moments later he finished up the task. They couldn't risk having Lisa help him so it was all him and even though he was more than capable on a technical side, in a weird way he really could have used Lisa right about now. Unfortunately, not even she was with him as he stood up, motioning for the arbitrator to come look. Sure enough, Chuck was the first one done.
He quickly turned to Casey once getting the congratulations from the arbitrator. "Casey I need to get out of here okay?"
Casey could see the pain in the kid's eyes and he knew Chuck just needed to get away. "Okay kid, let's head to the Vic, I'll tell Sarah and Bryce you're not feeling good and are going to head home."
Chuck didn't even acknowledge as he quickly packed up his gear and left the room, the feeling of the air turning into napalm was just too much for him.
Casey made sure Bryce and Sarah would be okay, calling in some back up from the local agents stationed in the neighboring town. He instructed them of what was needed and Beckman had authorized a full team to provide backup for Bryce and Sarah. Casey could tell even Beckman showed a hint of concern at realizing the situation.
{* * *}
{May 26th 2007 21:50}
{Casey's Car}
Casey could tell Chuck was struggling with things as he saw his partner leaning heavily against the door of the Vic, his head against the window. The normally talkative nerd was very solemn and stoically quiet. He knew it must be tough on the kid and he wanted to do what he could to help.
"You know to Sarah and Bryce, it doesn't mean anything. It's all an act."
Chuck didn't even turn. "It means something to me."
"Chuck, listen to me kid. Spies like Sarah, myself, Bryce, we learn to compartmentalize things. Seduction, kissing a mark, playing a role, it's all just part of doing a job. It means nothing, we feel nothing, and we sure know how the hell to separate our true feelings from what we have to do for the job."
"I get it Casey, but they have a past and seeing her and Bryce acting like that. It just hurts man. I know it shouldn't but it does."
Casey tried to get his attention. "Kid if it didn't hurt, then you probably wouldn't care about Sarah as much as you do. And I swear to you, as much as it hurts you, it hurts Sarah a hundred times more because you are everything to her." Casey hated to bring this up, but Chuck had to hear it. "And you had a chance to back out of this. Sarah was very adamant about not doing this but you said they had to, it was the only way."
This time Chuck did look at Casey. "That doesn't make me feel any better. Thanks Casey."
"You know, you should have kept your ear piece in too because you would have heard the both of them. It was obvious both of them hated doing this and both also were very professional pointing out every detail of all their surroundings." Casey had to laugh a little. "Trust me, I've seen Sarah around you and that woman goes brain dead anytime you walk into a room or look at her. There is no way she could even concentrate on a mission if she was with you like that. It's probably best if from now on, her and Bryce act like a couple on missions because at least that way Sarah would be at her best as an Agent."
Chuck really couldn't argue with Casey on his points. The big guy didn't talk a lot, but he was a lot like E.F. Hutton, when Casey talked, you listen. Still he needed some time to think and he just needed to be away from his wife so he could figure some things out.
"You think I could stay at your place tonight Casey? I just don't want to stay with Ellie because she would ask too many questions."
"Chuck that's not a good idea, I really would like to keep my testicles and if your wife knows I harbored you for a night…" Casey shifted thinking about an angry Sarah with one of her knifes. "I just think you need to go home and talk it over with Sarah. Trust me things will be okay."
Chuck took a deep breath as he rubbed the wariness from his face. "If it's all the same, I think it'd be best if I take some time for myself tonight. I just have to figure this out and figure out how I can keep these feelings from happening again."
Casey knew Chuck coming over was just not going to work. He felt for the kid and in all honesty, he knew Chuck could probably use some time alone, but he was not going to be an accomplice. "I have a better idea, something I like to do to relieve some built up frustration."
Chuck looked at Casey, not really knowing if that sounded ominous or not. "Okay."
"Trust me kid, this will be fun."
{* * *}
{May 26th 2007 23:15}
{Government Fitness Facility}
"Chuck slow down, you're going to pull a muscle." Casey was spotting him on the bench press as a full round of suicides were in motion at the training facility. The facility hadn't been used in a long time but the equipment was still there and it would allow the two to have an intense workout without interruptions.
Chuck grunted loudly as he pushed his muscles past their limit, pouring all his pain, all his anger into his workout. He knew he'd have to pay tomorrow but tonight it felt so good and he was pushing himself farther than ever before.
The two partners put in such an intense workout that Billy Blanks would've been proud. They both pushed themselves to their physical limits, each trying to outdo the other, each using the other as motivation to reach their breaking points.
It was a good two hours before the two could barely even move, every single muscle in their bodies felt like jello as both sat on separate weight benches, chugging down a bottle of water each.
"Holy crap that was awesome." Chuck could barely bring his drink up to his mouth, his arms shaking so much almost causing the water to spill. The workout definitely helped because he was to exhausted both physically and mentally to even think about his earlier trepidations.
"That was the best workout I've had in a long time. Feels damn good doesn't it?"
Chuck laughed and even that felt like his body was collapsing in on itself. "We're going to feel it tomorrow though."
"Damn right we will and probably the day after. But it's the good kind of pain." Casey took another swig of water as he wiped his face for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight.
"Thanks Casey, I really needed this." Chuck was so glad his friend had forced him to come workout. He probably would've just sat around, sulking in his misery, gorging himself on crappy food. But Casey helped him and now even though his body was exhausted, he actually felt great.
"Alright kid, let's get cleaned up and get you home." Casey knew there was going to be hell to pay considering neither of them had their phones on. He was sure to find a number of life threatening messages from Sarah. He just hoped she'd make up with her husband and things would work out. Lives were depending on it.
"Sounds good man. Let's go"
{* * *}
{May 27th 2007 00:10}
{Chuck and Sarah's Home}
Chuck stared at the front door; suddenly he still wasn't ready to face Sarah. She was probably still up, that's why he had Casey drop him off down the street. He decided instead of facing Sarah, he'd go around and get in the Jacuzzi for a while, hoping to re-energize some of his worn out muscles. He paused thinking of the one muscle that hurt the most.
Chuck did his best to be as quiet as possible as he made his way to the back yard, unlocking the gate, then dropping off his bag on the porch, and stripping down to his boxers. He made sure the blinds were closed as he got into the extremely warm Jacuzzi.
He silently turned the jets on low as he carefully leaned back against one of the head rests, enjoying the wonderful feeling of the jets spraying against his legs and back. It was so peaceful as the heat seemed to provide even a higher level of relaxation as he leaned his head back, and closed his eyes. The world would just have to wait for a while as Chuck silently tried to clear his mind and relax.
. . .
Chuck didn't know how long it was before he was suddenly jolted awake by a shift in the water as he knew he was not alone. Sarah.
He didn't dare open his eyes as he tried to block out the world around him. He did not want to face her right now. There would be time later but right now he just wasn't ready and he just wanted to enjoy the time he had working out with Casey and the wonderful feelings he had as his endorphins were working overtime from the suicides.
"Chuck?"
Chuck took a deep breath as he could hear the hurt and pain in Sarah's voice. He had to be strong though, he couldn't give in, not yet.
Chuck felt a soft hand cautiously touch his hand. He removed his hand instantly, not wanting to be persuaded by Sarah's gentle touch. "Please don't touch me."
"Okay, I'm sorry Chuck."
There it was again. Chuck heard the pain in Sarah's voice and it sounded so vulnerable. He couldn't keep his eyes closed any longer as he turned to look at Sarah who had moved back across from him on the other side of the Jacuzzi.
Well at least she was wearing a bikini because Chuck was almost positive she might just be naked and then there was no way he could concentrate. That's also when he realized that this was more serious than he thought and if he needed any more confirmation, he saw the sadness and the obvious flow of tears that were still coming from his wife's blue eyes.
Chuck had never seen Sarah so timid, so vulnerable, and so hurt. Well that's not true, she looked like she did in the hospital when he got shot, but why would she be like this now he wondered.
"Chuck please talk to me, you're breaking my heart." Sarah had to bite her bottom lip to keep it from quivering too much with her sobs.
"I love you Sarah, I really do." Chuck looked up to the sky, trying to gain strength from the stars. "But seeing you with Bryce, seeing you act so convincing… It hurt me okay."
Chuck was gaining resolve as he continued. "The thing you don't understand is compared to my feelings for Jill, they mean nothing compared to how I feel about you and it scares me Sarah. You don't just have my heart, you have my soul and to have the kind of control you have over me is scary. I'd never be able to get over you, I'd never be able to move on and when I see you with another man, especially one you slept with, it rips my heart to pieces." He had to stop seeing the pain he was causing her as she continued to cry. It wasn't uncontrollable but it was as close as it would ever be with Sarah.
Sarah did her best to speak but it was close to impossible through the tears and the pain in her heart. "Chuck please give me a chance to explain."
Chuck raised his hand telling her to stop. "I really don't want to hear it Sarah. I know there will always be an excuse for the things you do, but I'm just sick of it right now and I'd rather not discuss it further."
"That's not fair Chuck. The things I do? What exactly do you mean?" Sarah looked at him, not able to mask the hurt from his words.
"That's not what I meant. I just, I don't know. I know you say it doesn't mean anything, you're just doing your job, you have no feelings for so and so, and so on and so forth. But I do have feelings and I just can't turn them on and off like a damn robot."
Sarah felt like her heart was pierced with a knife, never had words hurt so much. "So you think I'm an unfeeling robot?"
Chuck rubbed his face; words were not exactly coming out the way he'd hoped. "I don't know, I'm just exhausted, I'm tired, and I just want to be alone."
Sarah looked down, trying her best to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Do you want me to leave?"
Chuck had enough. "No I don't want you to leave Sarah and that's what scares me. I want to hold you in my arms, kiss you, hug you, make love to you, and do everything I can to make you happy. But I also want you to know how I feel."
Sarah's heart sped up a bit hearing the emotion change in his voice. She knew there was a huge gap to fix but there was hope. "Chuck I know you won't believe me but I do know how you feel. You mean everything to me and it kills me to know I hurt you." Sarah paused as she tried to catch her breath, her emotions exploding throughout her like a nuclear bomb. "You think I mean everything to you? That doesn't even compare to what you mean to me. I'm nothing without you Chuck; I cease to exist without you part of me. And that scares me because nothing has controlled me like you do. Nothing can hurt me like you do and that is with just words. It's worse than any torture I've ever had to endure."
"So how do we fix this because honestly, I'm not sure I can get the thought of Bryce and you out of my head." Chuck was staring right though her, not giving an inch.
Sarah took a deep breath. "Chuck do you trust me?"
Chuck shook his head. "What?"
Sarah slid a little closer to Chuck. "Do you trust me?"
Well that was kind of a hard thing to answer at this juncture. "I honestly don't know Sarah. Part of me says yes, but the part tonight questions it."
"Fair enough honey. But will you please just trust me for the next two hours." Sarah moved even closer.
This was really difficult for Chuck. Of course he knew he could trust Sarah, and he honestly knew deep down that she would never do anything to hurt him. If he thought for one instant that she'd cheat on him or leave him, then he would have never married her. But how could he explain then the feelings he had watching his best friend and wife play their roles? In a sick way, he guessed seeing Sarah broken like this was one way to reaffirm how much she loved him. He hated feeling like he needed to see this but it was just something that been ingrained in him since childhood. Everybody leaves…
"I don't know what to say. I want to trust you, and I think I can for the next two hours but it doesn't erase everything."
Sarah was now practically on top of him. "I understand honey. But that is why I want you to just trust me for these next few hours because I'm about to make sure the only thoughts left in your head is about you and I."
Chuck could only stare as his eyes shot wide open when Sarah took off her top and straddled him.
"I love you Chuck, and after tonight, you'll never question how much more you mean to me ever again."
"Oh God..."
A/N: For my American readers have a wonderful 4th of July. And to my friends on this site that serve or have served in the armed forces; my deepest, my sincerest, my heartfelt thank you goes out to each and every one of you. I love you guys more than words can say and thank you so much for allowing my family to celebrate yet another Independence Day.
